Do you brag?
For most of my life I didn’t see bragging as a problem. I did it and most of the people I knew did it also. It was just something that people did. It wasn’t until I developed The Lefkoe Method 30 years ago that I realized that bragging is actually a way to compensate for a low level of self-esteem. Why we brag As I’ve written in the past, very few people escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs, because most parents aren’t aware that their behavior is the major source of the beliefs their children are [...]
I was wrong about how beliefs are formed
It’s interesting how it’s possible to think you really understand something and then at some later point realize that your understanding was incomplete. It wasn’t wrong, but your new realization provides a much more accurate understanding. That’s what happened to me with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP). What I initially thought about how beliefs are formed When I first created the LBP 29 years ago, it seemed to me that our basic self-esteem-type beliefs were formed in childhood as a result of many interactions with parents. (For more details, please see two earlier posts: https://www.mortylefkoe.com/031610/ and https://www.mortylefkoe.com/wonderful-parents/#) In some cases [...]
A father's fear for his daughter
I’m writing this on the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii, where my wife Shelly and I are visiting our 29-year-old daughter Blake. Shortly after she arrived in Hawaii almost 11 years ago she started surfing. She now surfs waves as big as 20 feet and she has progressed to the level where there are some real risks in what she is doing. If surfing big waves wasn’t enough, earlier this year she told us that she had started skydiving. She fell in love with jumping out of airplanes and in no time had completed her 100th jump. Hanging out at [...]
Can children eliminate beliefs?
I am often asked: Can the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) be used to help children eliminate beliefs? My answer is that it depends on the child: Is the child able to deal with the abstractions of the process? If the child can, then the LBP should work. One trick is to simplify some of the steps and use language that can be understood by a younger child. I did that when we did our study with incarcerated offenders and the LBP was effective with teens as young as 14 to 15 years old. Since then Shelly has used the LBP [...]
What could they possibly have been thinking?
There was a time in America when some people were treated as property, forced to do whatever other people wanted, abused without any ability to respond, and unable to obtain their freedom. Such behavior was legal and considered appropriate by the people practicing it. When we look at the people who exhibited that behavior we think with repulsion, “What could they possibly have been thinking?” I’m not referring to slavery 150 years ago. I’m referring to the abuse heaped upon millions of children daily by well-meaning parents who don’t realize the long-term damage being done by spanking and other forms [...]
I finally stopped bragging
It took me a long time to stop bragging. About 50 years in fact. As a child I always bragged about things that I thought would impress others. How good my grades were. Things I had done. Popular kids I hung out with. Having people think well of me was so important that I even lied just to impress others. When I was 17 I was living in Miami Beach in an apartment with my mom. From time to time I dated girls who visited Miami Beach on vacation. One time I remember driving past my aunt’s beautiful house and [...]
Getting Rid of Beliefs is Not Enough
Because many emotions are caused by beliefs, getting rid of the relevant beliefs can frequently eradicate negative emotions. For example, the belief that “Dogs are dangerous” will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief “People can't be trusted” will result in a feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are, however, emotions in adults that appear to be caused by something in addition to beliefs. Getting rid of beliefs is not enough. Let me explain the source of these negative emotions, such as [...]
Make Your Arguments a Thing of the Past
Did I ever tell you about the time I gave myself an award for “‘Getting Off It’ the Fastest”? Well, I’m going to tell you right now because I think it will make a profound difference in your relationships with people, especially your loved ones. When I married Shelly almost 29 years ago I was a mess. I had just been divorced for a second time and was getting depressed frequently. When we argued, which happened frequently, my way of coping with upset was to withdraw … for a couple of days! Shelly, on the other hand, would “get off [...]
What is My Job As A Parent?
“How many times do I have to tell you?” “What am I ever going to do with you?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Don’t you ever listen?” Imagine yourself to be a young child listening to your parents repeatedly ask you questions like these. … If you stop for a few moments, listen to these words inside your head, and experience what it feels like, you will have a clear picture of what far too many children feel every day. But what's even worse than the momentary hurt you probably felt as a child are the beliefs that you probably formed [...]
