It took me a long time to stop bragging.  About 50 years in fact.

As a child I always bragged about things that I thought would impress others.  How good my grades were.  Things I had done.  Popular kids I hung out with.  Having people think well of me was so important that I even lied just to impress others.

When I was 17 I was living in Miami Beach in an apartment with my mom.  From time to time I dated girls who visited Miami Beach on vacation.  One time I remember driving past my aunt’s beautiful house and saying to the girl: “That’s where I live.”  I would have been embarrassed to show her an apartment building and say I lived in there.  Living in the luxurious water-front house meant I was “someone special” and that’s how I wanted others to view me.

For most of my life I didn’t see my bragging as a problem.  I did it and most of the people I knew did it also.  It was just something that people did.

It wasn’t until I developed The Lefkoe Method about 25 years ago and started to figure out what beliefs caused which problems that I realized that bragging is actually a way to compensate for a low level of self-esteem.

Let me explain.

As I’ve written in the past, very few people escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs.  With few exceptions, parents aren’t aware how their behavior is instrumental in the beliefs their children are forming.  And as I said a few weeks ago in a post about parenting, parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.  Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doingThey want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

The question is not, Do children frequently “disobey” their parents?  Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between.  So we form negative beliefs about ourselves. (See https://mortylefkoe.com/031610)

Once we have a negative sense of ourselves, we need to find something that makes us feel good about ourselves, something that makes us feel able to survive and worthy of surviving.  I call these survival strategy behaviors, because they feel to us as if we need them to survive. They are formed early in life when we accidently do something and get a positive response from parents or some other person who is important to us.  That positive response makes us feel good about ourselves.  After a few repetitions, we conclude: What makes me good enough and important is … being successful, or doing things for people, or my accomplishments, or having people think well of me. (See my post on survival strategies, https://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/)

What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me is the most common survival strategy belief we’ve seen after working with over 13,000 clients in the past 25 years. And that’s why bragging is so common.

As I started to help clients eliminate this belief I discovered that I held it also.  Eventually I eliminated a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs and several survival strategy beliefs, including What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

After these beliefs were finally gone, I noticed one day that my bragging had stopped.  I knew I was okay the way I was and I no longer need the approval of others to make me feel okay.  I preferred that you like me, but your not liking me no longer meant anything about me.  So I didn’t have to do or say things to get your approval anymore.  A lifetime of bragging had stopped without me even noticing at first.

You might want to ask: Is every comment about one’s accomplishments “bragging”? Not necessarily.  Here’s how to tell the difference between someone bragging and merely stating facts: Are the “facts” repeated frequently; does there seem to be a need on the person’s part that you really get the importance of what they are telling you; does the speaker have a lot of energy on “the facts”? If so, you probably are hearing bragging coming from people who need you to think well of them to feel good about themselves.

If the accomplishments are presented as information, something the speaker is proud of but not “invested in,” without looking for or needing a positive reaction from you, it probably isn’t bragging.

Bragging isn’t bad and it isn’t wrong.  It’s merely the inevitable result of certain beliefs.  It’s not the bragging you want to get rid of, it’s the beliefs that have you brag to get the approval of others to feel okay about yourself.  And you can stop the bragging anytime you want by eliminating the negative self-esteem beliefs and the survival strategy beliefs that cause it.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

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copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

16 Comments

  1. Khaliun (from Mongolia) May 15, 2019 at 10:10 am - Reply

    Wow, it is so helpful. Thanks for sharing the information. It’s priceless and probably will help people to be smarter and better. With the information you provided above, I won’t feel intense embarrassment after a talk, anymore. Again thanks, I appreciate it Mr. Lefkoe.

  2. Sudip July 30, 2011 at 2:42 am - Reply

    First of all thank you Morty for bringing this wonderful insight into my life (not only this post, your entire work). I realized that bragging comes from the belief “A persons present situation, behavior, words tells us about him”. Once I bust this belief with the meaning ” A persons present situation tells us only about his belief, prejudices and conditioning, he is ever present, powerful, courageous , intelligent. But he did not realized it for his beliefs”, I felt like I was released from a prison. This was never possible without your work. I was searching for you for long time. Thank you !!!!

  3. Janet April 3, 2010 at 2:34 pm - Reply

    Hello again Morty,

    I love this article on bragging. I know someone who is basically attached to his ego. Almost everything he says is an attempt to feel better about himself. Now, if I want to help, I must take a risk and send this article to him. Wish me luck.

    • admin April 9, 2010 at 2:04 pm - Reply

      Hi Janet,

      Take the chance. What do you have to lose? He’ll either get it or he won’t.

      Thanks for posting.

      Regards, Morty

  4. Leila April 1, 2010 at 2:32 am - Reply

    Hi Morty – such a great post, thanks. The idea of survival strategies coming from conditional love made me wonder if these strategies and the way parents instill them in their children had something to do with group bonding that may have been an issue for tribal groups and still is today in modern society but people don’t really know why they do it to each other or the mechanisms by which they do it. Is it useful to understand why so many parents use conditional love to get their children to behave in ways that they think are acceptable to society. Is it just so they can get them to fit in with the dysfunction going on around them? In other words is the behaviour of the parents in some ways purposeful, do you think?

    • admin April 9, 2010 at 2:03 pm - Reply

      Hi Leila,

      No, I don’t think the behavior is conscious on the part of the parent. They have beliefs that determine their parenting and I don’t think most are conscious enough to try to use conditional love as a tool.

      They just get angry and don’t experience love for their child at those moments, and that’s what their children pick up — and then form beliefs about it.

      Thanks for taking the time to write.

      Regards, Morty

  5. Kristin Hutchings April 1, 2010 at 12:13 am - Reply

    Another great and insightful post Morty. I think in many cultures (mine included) bragging is seen as intrinsically bad and is akin to arrogance. I realise that many “arrogant” people I have met in my life have in fact had low self worth and used boasting as a means to compensate for that.

    • admin April 9, 2010 at 1:59 pm - Reply

      Hi Kristin,

      Thanks for the acknowledgment.

      Glad you found the post useful. Yes, we should have compassion for people who boast — it’s an attempt to make themselves feel good about themselves.

      Regards, Morty

  6. Elsa March 31, 2010 at 6:09 am - Reply

    I’m thinking – so many different ways of not feeling good enough – or of worrying that others won’t feel good enough. I remember, often, not saying things because I didn’t want others to feel not good enough – say, about education.

    • admin March 31, 2010 at 4:14 pm - Reply

      Hi Elsa,

      The beliefs underneath “What makes me good enough or important is having others think well of me” are a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs. They also take their own toll on our lives. Get rid of them and it feels like a weight has been taken off your shoulders.

      Thanks for taking the time to write.

      Regards, Morty

  7. Jon Person March 31, 2010 at 3:03 am - Reply

    Morty,
    Good morning. I simply wish to express how much I enjoy listening to you and reading your blogs. I’ve been laid off for 2 1/2 years, and it has been a struggle to build a new life. Listening to you, reading what you write, are one by one, helping me put the blocks back together. Not sure how long it will take, it is tough in your 50’s, but I now know I will get there.
    Best regards,

    Jon Person

    • J. W. Gardner March 31, 2010 at 4:22 am - Reply

      I am 69 yrs.,, My self-esteem was low,, I could never brag about myself,,,it seemed if I said
      anything people would put me down,,I am know learning to walk away, find people, that don’t
      do that,,,but that was all my family,, that is why I stayed away from other people….

      • admin March 31, 2010 at 4:16 pm - Reply

        Hi J.W.

        Withdrawing is another way to deal with negative self-esteem beliefs and a negative sense of self. I guess that that is what you did.

        Regards, Morty

    • admin March 31, 2010 at 4:12 pm - Reply

      Hi Jon,

      Thanks for letting me know that our programs and my blog posts have been useful.

      If you haven’t yet taken advantage of the Natural Confidence program, you might try it. It will give you a lot of confidence to build the new life you are ion the process of building.

      Regards, Morty

  8. Kristina B Sweden March 31, 2010 at 2:30 am - Reply

    Thank You for writing this. So importent. I will send it to friends´…

    • admin March 31, 2010 at 4:09 pm - Reply

      Hi Kristina,

      I’m glad you found this useful. I trust your friends will also.

      Regards, Morty

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