Less than 48 hours ago I received a call from Jennifer Lucus, my oncologist. She had just received the results of a PET and CT scan that I had done Monday morning. I was convinced that she would tell me that I was fine, that there was no recurrence of the fourth stage metastatic colon cancer I had been diagnosed with in April of last year.
I “knew” that I had been healed because colon cancer produces CEA antigens that can be measured in the blood, and my CEA level had been in the normal range for over seven months. Jen hadn’t seemed to be worried for months.
The scans showed cancer
But I was wrong. She told me that there was evidence of cancer in my colon, in addition to masses in my lymph nodes and my spleen. The mass in my liver that had been identified last April was reduced in size, but there was still something there.
I was in shock. I had been convinced that I had been healed. This wasn’t possible. In fact, the only reason I had had the scans was because of a bowel obstruction I had experienced a few times in the last month. The doctors had wanted to find out what was causing the obstruction. One possibility was scar tissue from the old tumors and I was convinced that that was the cause.
But now I was being told that the obstruction wasn’t scar tissue from an old tumor, but a mass from a new colon tumor.
I started to give meaning to the new information
For the first time with this illness, I found myself starting to give the event (what Jen had told me on the phone) meaning. And as is always the case with occurrings, they seemed so real, so true. It was obvious that what I had been doing for the past year didn’t work. There’s nothing else I can do. I thought: That’s true. That’s not meaning.
For about 36 hours I seemed to be stuck. I felt tired; I don’t want to work at getting better any more. I had given it my all and I failed. I started having a lot of thoughts about dying, about my family, and how to prepare for death. Interestingly enough, I felt no fear or anxiety. I felt no stress. But I felt as if I had given up.
But some part of me knew that this reaction was due to some meanings I was giving some events. And I was determined to figure it out. This morning I finally figured it out.
I started to realize that I had been giving the events (what Jen had told me on the phone) meaning. The meanings still seemed true, but it was starting to become real to me that part of what seemed to be true was not what happened, but the meaning I was giving to what happened.
At that point I was able to start dissolving the meaning. I’m going to describe my thinking process because it might be useful for you, not necessarily because you are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, but because it would be useful with any other event to which you’ve given meaning where the meaning seems so true.
My thought process as it happened
What do I know for sure from what Jen told me? All I know for sure is what the radiologist said in reading my scans. He may or may not be correct. The one who read my original CT scan in April read it wrong and said the mass on my liver was not malignant. It turned out that it was.
I need to go over the actual scan with Jen and see for myself. But even if he is right and there are masses or tumors or something on the colon, the spleen, the liver and the lymph nodes, I don’t know the prognosis for that, i.e., I don’t know anything for sure about my health and well-being now and my future health and well-being.
I hadn’t given the original diagnosis of fourth stage metastatic colon cancer last April any meaning at all. But now I was giving a bunch of meanings to the fact that I thought I was totally healed and the PET scan shows signs of cancer in several places.
What’s actually happening and what meanings
am I giving it?
What are the events I am having occurrings about and what are the occurrings?
Event: I had thought I was totally healed and now the PET scan shows signs of cancer in several places. (“I am totally healed” was the meaning I had given the normal CEA readings over the past seven months and I had assumed that was the truth. I now realize that it was only an occurring; it never was the truth.)
Occurring: If what I did so far was not sufficient, there is nothing else I can do. (I think this is the most important occurring.)
Can I see that? No. Can I see “can’t”? No. Can I see the future? No. I’m not sure what else I can do, but I don’t know for sure that there is nothing else I can do that would be effective. I can keep doing what I’ve been doing and maybe I just need to do it for longer time. I can talk to Michael Broffman (my Chinese medicine expert who prepares my supplement protocol) and see what he thinks. I can read the transcripts from “The Truth About Cancer” program and get ideas there. I can create my own healing instead of relying on my intuition. Maybe love and healing thoughts from others do work; maybe I just need them for a longer period of time. Do I know for sure that there is nothing else I can do? No, I don’t.
Occurring: I did everything I could possibly do; there is nothing else I can do that would be useful.
Same analysis as above. Also, I did a few things that seemed to be useful and then I stopped doing all that I knew because I thought I was healed. I stopped looking for more things to do. If I need to do more of what I had been doing or different things, I can do that. I don’t know for sure that there is nothing else I can do that would be useful. I’m not sure what else I can do, but it is not at all true that there is nothing I can do. Do I know for sure that there is nothing else I can do that would be useful? No, I don’t.
Occurring: What I did didn’t work.
I’m not sure that it didn’t work. It could be that what I did was sufficient to kill off the cancer cells that were creating the CEA. And now I have something else that has to be dealt with differently or with more of the same. It didn’t get rid of all cancer cells, but that doesn’t mean that what I did had no effect at all. It must have had some effect because the CEA did go down. I need to find out what improved and what is new. Do I know for sure that what I did didn’t work? No, I don’t
Event: I had been relying on my intuition. It told me I was OK; no cancer. It said that there was no illness now and there never would be for the rest of my life. Now there is cancer.
Occurring: I can’t rely on my intuition any more.
Maybe I can’t rely on it totally, but I can get clues from my intuition that I can check on. Maybe as an alternative I will have to rely on myself; what I create and know to be true will be because I said so, not because my intuitive voice said so. Do I know for sure that I can no longer rely on my intuition? No, I don.t.
Event: I have believed that the major source of my healing is no stress and being convinced that I am and will be OK.
Occurring: If I did that and that wasn’t sufficient, then nothing else will work.
The original event was only an occurring and was never the truth to begin with. I did that and it looked like I was healed. But if I did that and I wasn’t totally healed to begin with, then that event isn’t true. Do I know for sure that nothing else will work? No, I don’t.
My next steps
So what should I do now? Find out more details about exactly what is going on from Jen tomorrow. Is the colon cancer a new tumor or is it the old one that has “come back”? Why is the colon cancer not producing CEA? Is there any other way to measure the extent of the cancer in my body? See Michael tomorrow after I see Jennifer and get a protocol for alternative treatments, including cannabis and High dosage vitamin C. See the surgeon as soon as she can see me.
What else? What can I do mentally to have the same confidence now that I had when I was listening to my intuitive voice saying I was fine?
I can create a context just like I taught you in my recent blog post on operating out of an “My life works” context. Only this context will be: I am whole and complete and healthy. Anything that happens, any information that I get, will be held in that context. I may not see how any given piece of information is consistent with that context at the moment, but I can still hold it that way … because I said so.
I’ll keep you informed as I get more information from my allopathic doctors and non-traditional advisors. And I’ll continue to let you know how I am holding all of this. I’ve dissolved all the occurrings I had been giving to the news I received Monday evening from Jen and I’m looking forward to talking to her and Michael Broffman Thursday.
At the moment it is very real to me that the news so far has no meaning—that I know nothing for sure about what will happen to me or what I will have to do. I also feel confident that I am okay and will continue to be okay.
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