Thanks so much for the many thoughtful responses to my post last week asking you how we can contribute to improving your life.

The single most common response had to do with relationships. Unfortunately, there is no simple advice I can offer in this area for several reasons.

Different types of relationship problems

To begin with, many of the beliefs men have that serve as barriers to having a great relationship are different from the beliefs women have.

Moreover, relationships have a lot of different aspects, such as:

• men can have a hard time approaching women,
• both men and women can have a hard time communicating with each other,
• either can continually get involved with someone from the who is abusive (although this is far more true for women than men),
• either can fear physical intimacy,
• both can have a hard time controlling their tempers in a relationship, and
• both can have difficulty in finding the right partner.

This multitude of sub-patterns is what makes it so difficult to create an on-line program that works for most people with a relationship problem. In addition, not only are there so many different types of relationship problems, each person with a given problem can have a few beliefs and conditionings other people don’t have.

In this post I’ll point out some of the most common beliefs and conditionings for each sub-pattern and try to provide some additional insights that might help you get or sustain a truly loving, nurturing relationship.

Three different types of “problems” we want to change

First of all, it is very important to distinguish between three very different types of problems or situations we want to change:

1. Our behavior—we can want to stop doing something we are already doing (such as emotional eating) or start doing something we are not doing (such as procrastinating any given activity).
2. Our feelings—we can want to stop feeling something we are already feeling (such as anxiety or anger) or start feeling something we have a hard time feeling (such as love).
3. Something in reality—we can want to change something in reality, such as acquire more wealth or find a great romantic partner.

It is important to distinguish between these three because The Lefkoe Method is extremely helpful with the first two types of problems. It is only marginally helpful with the third one.

You can have beliefs or conditionings that would make it difficult to have a great relationship, such as I’m not loveable, men/women can’t be trusted, relationships are difficult, and I’ll never get what I want. But eliminating those and other similar beliefs will not provide you with the perfect mate, although it will enable you to do things you couldn’t do before that might increase your changes of finding the perfect mate.

In other words, although The Lefkoe Method can almost always change your behavior and feelings, and can help you remove barriers to you getting what you want in reality, it is unlikely to provide you with what you want.

Obviously you have to take action and some actions are better than others. I offered several suggestions based on my own experience that you can use to create an incredibly loving and nurturing relationship. See But if you have beliefs in the way, you could have a hard time doing what I suggest.

Does the Law of Attraction Work?

Will focusing on what you want (the Law of Attraction) result in you getting what you focus on? What about the variation of focusing with emotion and then taking action? Although it would be nice if that always worked, there are many more people who complain that it doesn’t work than people who claim that it does. In any case I wouldn’t count on it to provide you with the mate you are seeking.

That being said, I’ll tell you some of the beliefs and conditionings that can influence your behavior relating to relationships and serve as a barrier to you getting what you want. In addition to the list below, the negative self-esteem beliefs and conditionings on the Natural Confidence program are relevant in most relationship problems.

Here is a list of some common relationship problems and some of the most common beliefs and conditionings that cause them:

I usually pick unavailable men

• I can’t count on/trust men.
• I’m not what men want.
• I’m not worth loving.
• Commitment is dangerous.
• Fear associated with commitment.

Getting in and staying in physically/emotionally abusive relationships

• I’m powerless.
• Men have all the power.
• Women are victims.
• I’m not worth it.
• I’m not loveable.
• I’m bad.
• I don’t deserve to be happy/get what I want.

I can’t find a great relationship

This is an example of wanting to change reality, not your behavior or feelings. So getting rid of these beliefs will eliminate some barriers, but will not necessarily get you what you want. (Before looking for beliefs, notice if you are taking the appropriate actions, for example, going to places where you might find the type of person you are looking for.)

• Fear associated with rejection.
• There are no good men/women out there.
• Men/women are evil/controlling.
• I have to give up my independence/ freedom to be in a relationship.
• I’m not loveable.
• Men/women can’t be trusted.
• Relationships are difficult.
• I’ll never get what I want.
• Life is difficult.

Difficulty with physical intimacy/sex

• Sex is bad/evil.
• I’m bad if I desire sex.
• Sex is dirty.
• All that men want is sex.
• (If a woman has been raped or incested, she is likely to have beliefs like: I’m damaged goods, men are dangerous, life is dangerous, I’m bad—all of which can make physical intimacy very difficult.)

I get angry very easily and yell at my partner

• I’m powerless.
• What makes me good enough and important is having things be exactly the way I want them to be.
• (With these beliefs if someone doesn’t do exactly what you want, the way you want, when you want, you’ll feel powerless. And then you’ll get angry at the person who seems to be making you feel powerless.)

Men having a difficult time approaching women

Because this is largely a result of a lack of confidence, all the beliefs and conditionings on the Natural Confidence program are especially relevant. Also:

• I’m not attractive.
• I’m not interesting.
• I’m weird.
• I’m annoying.
• Fear associated with approaching women.
• Women don’t want nice guys.
• All the beliefs about sex listed above.
• Fear associated with making a fool of myself.
• Women want men who are confident, who can provide financial security, who are interesting, who are attractive, etc.—and I’m not those things.

Please leave your comments and questions about relationship problems below.

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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp:// where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

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