In 333 BC, Alexander the Great and his army marched into Gordium, the capital of Phrygia.

He observed a tangled bundle of knots tied to a wagon. The bundle was so complex that it was impossible to see how the knots were fastened. Phrygian legend said anyone who could unravel the knots would become the ruler of all of Asia. The ancient historian Arrian said Alexander was immediately “seized with an ardent desire” to untie the knot.

He tried for hours and made no progress. Then he stood back and said, “It makes no difference how they are loosed.” Then, he sliced the knot in half with his sword.

To solve the puzzle, Alexander ignored the unspoken conditions others had accepted – that you must untie the knot – and used his sword to cut right through the problem. Similarly, when it comes to building self-esteem, people assume a set of conditions.

  • That you must achieve to build your self-esteem.
  • That you must get recognition and praise from others.
  • That life must go pretty well or else we’ll feel down about ourselves.

As you can probably tell, I don’t agree with any of these assumptions.

I believe it’s possible to have unconditional self-esteem

Before I go into how I know this, I’ll define unconditional self-esteem. Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens in your life. So, if you succeed, you feel OK about you. If you fail, you still feel OK about you. That doesn’t mean you enjoy failing. You just continue to like yourself regardless of what happens.

The same is true when it comes to how others feel about you. You may be liked or not, and you might be praised or not. No matter what, you still feel OK as a person. Your sense of yourself is rock solid.

Unconditional self-worth allows you to feel OK even if everything in your life is not OK. This is an empowering way to be. You can remain centered and stable even when a storm of events whirls around you.

The question is, then, how do we help ourselves get this internal stability?

To get to this point requires eliminating two different kinds of beliefs. 1) Self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs.

1) Self-Beliefs

Self-beliefs are any beliefs you have about yourself.

“I’m not good enough,”
“I’m not important,”
“I’m not worthwhile.”

They tell you that you’re OK or not OK. When you eliminate a self-belief, you often feel that a weight has been lifted. A natural feeling of confidence rises up within you. It’s not forced. It’s just there. You also feel worthy for no reason at all. You just do.

2) Survival Strategy Beliefs

These beliefs say your self-worth is contingent on something “good” happening. A belief like “What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly” makes you feel you need to do something “just right” before you can feel OK. A belief like “What makes me important is achieving” makes you feel you must reach high goals to feel good about yourself.

Both types of beliefs need to be eliminated to have unconditional self-worth.

I used to constantly worry about what others thought about me. After eliminating self-beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” and the survival strategy belief “What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me,” my inner voice became quiet. I am now myself 24/7. I no longer feel defined by anything outside of me. It’s true freedom, and it makes my life way more fun.

But isn’t it natural to feel bad when things go wrong?

Yes, it is common for people to feel bad when things go wrong. When my husband died, I felt deep sorrow. I still miss him to this day. I’ll likely miss him for the rest of my life. However, I don’t feel bad about myself as a result of his passing.

Since Morty died, I’ve met other widows who felt incompetent or unworthy when they struggled to do what their husbands did for them, especially when they saw other people enjoying life while they were still grieving. Some negative feelings are, of course, natural. However, self-judgment can always be eliminated if we get rid of limiting beliefs about ourselves.

Our training program, LMT1: Core Belief Coaching, helps you get good at eliminating beliefs, particularly self-beliefs. Before the course is over, you’ll have eliminated dozens of limiting beliefs.

Here’s what one participant had to say after taking our training.

I am almost stunned about this experience; having been through years of therapy, and spiritual studies, even knowing that I am the creator of my beliefs…nothing has ever made me ‘feel’ it and ‘know’ it so fully… my mind was able to release an old pattern and replace it with truth so gracefully.  Your work is truly amazing.  You are a blessed teacher; thank you for providing this gift.

-Diana

And she is not alone. That’s what we hear regularly from participants who’ve completed our training.

Summary

  • Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens to you.
  • It empowers you to do what matters in your life even when things don’t go your way.
  • To gain unconditional self-worth, you need to eliminate two kinds of beliefs: 1) self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs.
  • Feeling bad about some unwanted events can’t always be avoided, but we can keep from feeling bad about ourselves by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Typical strategies for raising self-esteem take a long time and can be like trying to unravel the Gordion Knot. Eliminating beliefs is a bit more like having Alexander’s sword cut through to immediate relief.

Stay tuned for more information about the LMT1: Core Belief Coaching.