Many years ago, my husband Morty and I were living in the house of our dreams in Westport, Connecticut. It had a beautiful kidney-shaped pool. My mom called it “the movie star house.”
Unfortunately, the dream didn’t last.
A few years in, our business collapsed. We had to declare bankruptcy. We were losing our beautiful home.
One day I was crying when Morty walked in and asked, “Honey, why are you crying?”
I said, “We’re losing everything!”
He looked at me and said, “We’re not losing everything. We have our family. If we had to live on an island and eat coconuts, would we be okay?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
In that moment, the meaning switched from “we’re not going to be okay” to “we will be.” From “we won’t be happy” to “we can be happy if we’re together.”
The fear and the deep sadness lifted. Yes, I was still sad, of course, but it no longer felt like a tragedy.
Same Event, Different Realities
Here’s what’s fascinating: I was stressed about the bankruptcy, but Morty was not.
The bankruptcy didn’t cause my stress. The meaning I was giving it caused the stress.
I had given the events the meaning: “Oh my God, we’re going to starve to death. This is terrible. We’re failures.”
Morty gave it the meaning: “We made it once, we’ll make it again. This is just a chapter, not the whole story.”
Same events. Completely different emotional experiences.
And here’s the beautiful truth: we ended up moving to California and having a fabulous life. The bankruptcy that felt like the end of everything actually became the beginning of something even better.
The Truth About Life’s Devastating Moments
Did you really think that there would never be dips or bumps? And yet we get upset the minute there’s a bump.
Okay, sometimes life gives us more of a brick wall while we’re driving at 90 miles per hour.
The truth is that we don’t know anything for sure just because something happens. We make up meanings in our minds, and those meanings—not the events themselves—determine how we feel.
Events have no inherent meaning. They have consequences, yes. But we don’t know anything for sure about what those consequences will be.
The Occurring Process: Your Framework for Freedom
When life hits you with something devastating, you have a choice. You can let the meaning you give it destroy your peace of mind, or you can use this simple process to find freedom even in your darkest moments:
First, notice that you are having a negative emotion.
In my case, I was feeling terror, sadness, and despair about our financial situation.
Second, notice the event that came before the emotion.
The event: We declared bankruptcy and were losing our house.
Third, notice the occurring—the meaning—that produces the emotion.
My occurring: “We’re losing everything. We’re going to starve. We’re failures. Our life is over.”
Fourth, notice that the meaning is something your mind added to the event. It’s not really part of the event.
The bankruptcy was happening. But “we’re going to starve” and “our life is over”? Those were meanings I created, not facts about the situation.
Fifth, notice if the emotion is gone. If so, great. If not, notice if there is another meaning producing an emotion and begin the process again.
When I separated the event (bankruptcy) from my meaning (catastrophe), the overwhelming emotion shifted. I could see other possibilities.
When Your Child Is in Crisis
A student in our Lefkoe Occurring Course shared this powerful story:
Her 11-year-old daughter had stomach pains, and she rushed her to the emergency room. She started to panic, imagining all the worst-case scenarios.
Then she remembered the occurring process. She dissolved the meaning she was giving to her daughter’s pain, and the panic left her. She was able to have peace of mind while she was with her daughter.
She became her daughter’s rock in the storm.
Later, her daughter said, “Mom, if you had been falling apart, I would have been so scared.”
By not giving meaning to the event, this mother was able to be fully present for what her daughter actually needed: calm, loving support.
The Realization That Changes Everything
Here’s what I want you to understand: You don’t have to let what happens to you determine the quality of your life.
Your experience of life isn’t created by events. It’s created by the meaning you give events.
When you truly get this, it’s incredibly liberating. You realize that no matter what happens—job loss, illness, relationship problems, financial difficulties—you have the power to choose your experience.
That doesn’t mean you pretend bad things aren’t happening. It means you stop creating additional emotional turmoil on top of what’s already difficult.
Your Practice for This Week
The next time something happens that triggers a negative emotion:
- Pause and notice: “I’m having a strong emotional reaction.”
- Identify the event: What actually happened? (Stick to the facts, no interpretations.)
- Catch your occurring: What meaning am I giving this event? What story am I telling myself about what this means?
- Separate meaning from event: Recognize that your interpretation is something your mind added. It’s not inherent in the situation.
- Check your emotional state: Has the intensity decreased? If not, look for other meanings you might be adding.
When Everything Falls Apart
I know it might seem impossible when you’re in the middle of your darkest moment. When everything is falling apart, when you can’t see any way forward, when the future looks terrifying.
But I promise you this: the event itself—no matter how devastating—is not what’s causing your deepest suffering. It’s the meaning you’re giving it.
And meanings can be changed.
The bankruptcy that felt like the end of our world became the beginning of a new adventure. We moved to California, rebuilt our business, and created an even more fulfilling life than we’d had before.
None of that would have been possible if we’d stayed trapped in the meaning that our life was over.
Your Invitation to Freedom
What meaning are you giving to the difficult events in your life right now?
What if those meanings aren’t true?
What if there are other ways to interpret what’s happening—ways that open up possibilities instead of closing them down?
You have more power than you realize. Not power over what happens to you, but power over what you make it mean.
And that, my friend, changes everything.
Ready to master this process? If you’d like to go deeper into learning how to dissolve occurrings and transform your relationship with life’s challenges, join the waiting list for our upcoming Occurring Course. Registration opens in August, and this course will teach you to make dissolving painful meanings a natural, automatic part of your life. Once you’re on the waiting list, you’ll receive exclusive goodies that show you how to make powerful changes in your life using the occurring concept.
What event in your life have you been giving devastating meaning to? Try the occurring process and share your experience in the comments below. Sometimes the simple act of separating event from meaning can transform your entire experience.
This is brilliant 👏🏽