One of the most devastating problems people have is so common that nearly everybody views it as “human nature.” Few people even try to get rid of this ever-present problem because they assume it’s part of the “human condition.”
What is this ubiquitous problem?
Constantly worrying about what others think and frequently doing things just to get people’s approval.
How you know if you
have the problem
How do you know if you are one of the tens of millions of people who have this problem?
Do you often walk away from people thinking, “Did I say the right thing?” “Did I offend someone?” “Should I have said or asked …?”
Do you frequently hear that “little voice” in your head saying: “What will they think?”
Do you often feel you need to be a certain way to be accepted and you can’t just be yourself?
Although these thoughts and behaviors seem to be an inherent part of who we are, in fact, however, you can eradicate these thoughts and behaviors forever.
How? By eliminating the beliefs that cause them. Although this problem can be caused by different beliefs in different people, there is one specific belief that anyone with this problem almost certainly has: What makes me good enough is having people think well of me.
How this belief is formed and why it is so common
Today, I’m going to tell you how this belief is formed, why so many people have it (maybe even you) and how getting rid of this belief will transform your life.
Early in life many of us form negative beliefs about ourselves like I’m not good enough. (Almost every one of the 14,000 clients we’ve had from almost 252 countries around the world has had this belief.) Because most parents expect children to do things that are unrealistic for their age (such as be neat, quiet, and come when called at the age of three or four), and because most parents get frustrated, annoyed or angry when their children don’t do what they’re told, most children conclude “there must be something wrong with me” when mom and dad are upset with me so often, or I’m not good enough.
Because our beliefs about ourselves are usually formed during the first six years of life, most of us already have this belief when we leave our homes and go out into the world of teachers, other kids, school, etc. Obviously a belief like this would make us think as we start school: “How can I interact with other people effectively and how will I make it in the world if I’m not good enough?”
And those thoughts, in turn, would lead to us feeling “not okay” about ourselves and anxious to some extent.
The belief gets formed
And then one day a solution appears. We do something that our parents (or perhaps a teacher or coach) like and they give us a very positive response. How does that make us feel? Happy and very good about ourselves.
The first few times this happens we have an occurring: The way to feel good enough about myself is to have others think well of me. And then after this progression of events is repeated a few times and we have isolated occurrings each time, we form a generalized belief: If I didn’t feel good about myself, and then after getting praise and/or positive attention I do feel good about myself, what that means is: “What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.”
Survival strategy beliefs
This is a very special type of belief. It is a belief that tells us what needs to happen in order to experience being okay. And when it doesn’t happen we don’t feel very good about ourselves.
Well, if we don’t experience being good enough the way we are and we need something outside ourselves to become good enough, how often would we want that outside something to occur? All the time! Anytime anyone doesn’t like us, rejects us, or thinks poorly of us, or doesn’t include us, we have failed at our “survival strategy”—our method for making us feel good about ourselves. At that point the underlying belief: I’m not good enough, is uncovered and stares us in the face, leaving us feeling not good enough and producing some level of anxiety.
As a result, the need to have others think well of us is experienced like a drug addiction by many people. When they achieve it they feel good for the moment, but it’s only a matter of time before they need another “fix.” At that point they become obsessed about getting it.
There are other “survival strategy” beliefs, such as What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly; what makes me good enough is being successful/wealthy (can you see now see why some people are obsessed with this?); and what makes me good enough is taking care of others. And it’s possible to have more than one. But based on our experience in our private practice, “having people think well of me” is the most common survival strategy belief.
It now should be clear why so many people are obsessed about what others think about them: Most people have the belief I’m not good enough (or some variation of it) and “having people think well of me” is the remedy most of us have found to cover up the anxiety that stems from having that belief.
Get rid of the beliefs to get rid of the obsession
If the obsession about having people think well of us is a direct result of having several beliefs, the way to get rid of the obsession is to get rid of these beliefs. You can eliminate I’m not good enough using our free interactive web program at http://www.recreateyourlife.com. You also can buy a program that will enable you to eliminate, What makes me good enough is having people think well of me, as well as a number of other crippling beliefs. See our Natural Confidence program at http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
Are you worried about what other think? Do you now understand why? Can you now understand why this is such a common phenomenon—but it still is not human nature? Please share your experience.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to our interactive online belief-unlearning program where you can unlearn several limiting beliefs free.
You also can find out about Natural Confidence, an interactive digital program that enables you to unlearn 19 of the most common beliefs, which cause some of the most common behavioral and emotional problems that plague us.
Copyright © 2015 Morty Lefkoe