I used to replay every conversation after it ended.
Did I say the right thing? Did I come across okay? What does she think of me now?
I was aware of it happening. I just didn’t know what was causing it. And because I didn’t know what was causing it, I had no idea how to make it stop.
What I eventually discovered was that I was carrying a belief: “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me.” When you carry that one, every conversation carries extra weight. The response you get doesn’t just tell you how things went. It tells you whether you’re okay.
And I wasn’t the only one carrying it.
It’s usually not just one belief
When I work with clients who feel stuck about showing up, whether that’s in their business, in their relationships, or anywhere they feel exposed, I almost always find a cluster of beliefs, not one.
Which beliefs are running things depends on what you’re most worried about.
Some people are stopped by something like “I’m not important” or “what I have to say doesn’t matter.” This is the belief underneath the question “who am I to do this?” You want to speak up, you want to share what you know, but something keeps asking whether anyone would actually care.
Others are driven more by “what makes me good enough is having people think well of me.” When you carry this one, every post, every presentation, every email carries extra weight. Because it’s not just about the content. Your sense of worth gets attached to the response.
And then there’s “I’m not good enough.” This one shows up powerfully in the comparison trap. You look at someone who is further along, more polished, more confident, and your belief uses that gap as evidence. Of course you hesitate. You’re measuring your beginning against someone else’s middle, and the math doesn’t work in your favor.
The situation changes.
The belief underneath it stays the same.
Why confidence exercises don’t get to the root of it
After 35 years of doing this work, I’ve watched the same pattern repeat.
People come to me having spent years trying to build confidence. They’ve done the workshops, tried the affirmations, pushed themselves through “just do it scared.” And I understand why those approaches feel appealing. If you feel like you’re missing confidence, it seems logical to try to build some.
But these approaches try to build something positive on top of something negative. And that creates a shaky foundation.
You might develop some confidence that way. I’ve seen it. But when something challenging comes along, say a piece of critical feedback or a post that doesn’t land the way you hoped, the confidence can crumble. Because it was sitting on top of a crack.
What I want for the people I work with is ground that is genuinely solid. The kind of foundation where the cracks have been removed entirely, not covered over. Build on that, and what you put on top of it will actually hold.
Why today’s evidence doesn’t help
You might try to reason your way out of it. A friend tells you “plenty of people value what you say.” You feel a little better.
And then the voice comes back.
Why?
Because today’s evidence isn’t what created the belief. The belief came from a series of events that happened when you were young, and the conclusion you drew from them. Until you go back to that original process and undo it, the belief stays intact. Evidence gathered now doesn’t address what happened then.
What I noticed years later
I remember speaking in front of a large audience in Croatia after I had done the work on that belief.
My scarf fell off during the talk. I lost my train of thought and never quite found it again. Objectively not my most polished performance.
And I was completely fine.
Genuinely fine. The voice that used to narrate every gap with worst-case interpretations was not running things anymore.
I had a client named Daniel who had grown up with a mother who couldn’t hug him. He had formed beliefs from that experience, the way children do: “I’m not lovable.” That belief shaped how he moved through the world for years.
After we worked together and he eliminated that belief, something shifted in how he showed up. He started hugging his mother. She was startled at first. She didn’t quite know what to do with it. But he kept showing up that way, and eventually she came around.
There was no strategy behind it. He had simply stopped operating from the belief that said he wasn’t worth loving, and it showed in how he moved. He just showed up. Without hesitation. Without a plan.
That is what is possible on the other side of this work.
Where to start
Write down what you are actually worried about when you imagine showing up in whatever way you have been avoiding.
Not the vague feeling of dread. The specific thing. What do you imagine happening? What would it mean if it did?
Each of those worries is a thread. And each thread connects to a belief.
Common ones I see in this area: “I’m not important.” “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me.” “I’m not good enough.”
One place to start is with our free belief-elimination program. It will guide you through the process of eliminating three beliefs. One of them might even be a belief you recognized somewhere in this article.
Try the free belief-elimination program here.
Ready to go deeper?
If you would like support doing this work, I would love to talk with you. In a free strategy session, we look at your goals and dreams, what’s getting in the way of achieving them, and whether working together would be a good fit.
Request a free strategy session here.
The voice that has been running things does not have to keep running them.
