The Three Words That Reveal You’re Being Held Hostage by Your Beliefs

Randy’s wife had been complaining for years.

Even on vacation, he’d bring his laptop. Check email. Respond to messages. This was the early 2000s—before the near-constant demand on employees we see today. Back when you could reasonably leave work at work.

But Randy couldn’t.

He admitted he was driven to work hard and couldn’t stop himself for long. When he did, he felt unsettled. Something wasn’t right.

The language he used? “I just have to get this work done.”

I have to.

Those three words are often the first clue that something deeper is running the show.

The Beliefs You Don’t Know You Have

When I ask people about their beliefs, they usually think of the obvious ones. Religious beliefs. Political beliefs. Values they consciously hold.

But the beliefs driving our everyday behavior? Those are completely underground.

Think of them like the roots of a tree. They’re there, pulling up water and nutrients, determining which way the tree grows and how strong it stands. But you can’t see them from the surface. You have to dig.

Most people have spent decades being influenced by beliefs they’ve never consciously identified. These beliefs set up hidden conditions for what it takes to be worthwhile, important, or good enough.

And if you try to give someone advice that tells them to stop doing the thing they believe they need to do to be worthwhile?

If they’re nice about it, they’ll ignore you. “Yeah, I’ll think about that.”

If they’re not, they’ll want to punch you in the face.

Because what you’re essentially telling them is: “You don’t need water. You don’t need food to survive.”

The behavior you’re asking them to change isn’t just a habit. It’s psychological food. It’s survival.

How “I Have To” Reveals What’s Really Driving You

Back to Randy.

When I asked him how he felt after putting in hard work, he said, “It feels good.”

I pressed a little further. “Is that good feeling about yourself? Like maybe it makes you feel important, or worthwhile, or good enough?”

He paused. Then said clearly: “Important. It makes me feel important.”

There it was.

His belief: What makes me important is working hard.

Now everything made sense. Of course he brought his laptop on vacation. Of course he felt unsettled when he wasn’t working. Of course his wife’s complaints didn’t change his behavior.

He wasn’t trying to be difficult. He wasn’t “addicted to work” in the way we usually think about addiction.

He was doing what he believed he needed to do to matter.

The Questions That Uncover the Hidden Belief

When someone tells me “I have to…” do something—work hard, be perfect, achieve a certain goal—I always ask:

“How does it feel when you do it?”

They usually say it feels good when they get the outcome.

Then I ask: “Is that good feeling a feeling about yourself? Like does it make you feel important, or worthwhile, or good enough?”

Almost always, they’ll choose one. And they’re usually very clear about which one it is.

Sometimes they’ll say “all of them.”

Then I put it together as a statement: “What makes me [important/worthwhile/good enough] is [the behavior].”

• What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly.
• What makes me important is achieving.
• What makes me worthwhile is being admired by others.

It can be all sorts of things. But the pattern is always the same: a hidden belief creating a hidden condition for self-worth.

What Freedom Actually Looks Like

After Randy eliminated his belief, something remarkable happened.

He told me he went from someone who looked forward to Mondays to someone who looked forward to weekends.

Read that again.

For most of his life, Randy had been wired backwards. The weekend was something to endure. Monday was when he could finally feel important again.

On his next vacation, he didn’t bring his laptop. Didn’t miss it.

His wife was very pleased.

Like many of our clients, Randy’s problematic behavior had been in place for much of his life. It wasn’t a personality flaw or a lack of willpower. It was a belief—one he didn’t even know he had—running in the background like code.

Once the belief was gone, the compulsion was gone. Not managed. Not resisted. Just… gone.

Your Turn: What Are You Being Driven To Do?

So here’s what I’m curious about:

What do you say “I have to” about?

Not the externally imposed stuff—the real deadlines, the actual responsibilities. But the internal drive. The thing you can’t let go of. The behavior that, when you don’t do it, leaves you feeling unsettled or anxious or somehow… less than.

Take a moment and ask yourself:

“How do I feel when I do this thing? Does it make me feel important, worthwhile, or good enough?”

You might be surprised by what comes up.

And if you discover that yes, there’s a belief running you—that what makes you good enough is being perfect, or what makes you important is staying busy, or what makes you worthwhile is never letting anyone down—then you have options.

You can start by watching our free videos to see if you can begin to change those beliefs yourself.

And if you’d like personalized support, I’d love to offer you a free strategy session. In our time together, I’ll help you define your goals, identify the patterns standing in your way, and explore whether working together is the right next step.

Book your free strategy session here.

You don’t have to keep living like Randy did—looking forward to Mondays and dreading the weekend.

There’s another way.

And it starts with noticing those three little words: I have to.

They might just be the breadcrumbs leading you to freedom.