How many times have you heard yourself say, “I can’t”?
“I can’t have a relationship.” “I can’t make money.” “I can’t lose weight.” “I can’t learn technology.”
The next time you hear yourself say “I can’t,” stop and ask yourself: “What just happened that I’m giving this meaning to?”
Then ask: “What are other ways of interpreting those experiences?”
And then ask yourself the crucial question: “Did I ever really see ‘I can’t’ the way I can see an object in reality?”
The answer is always no.
The only place “I can’t” ever existed was in the mind.
When Halloween Costumes Became Impossible
I’ll give you a personal example. When my kids were little, my friend Deborah made beautiful Halloween costumes for her children. They were elaborate, creative, and looked professional.
Me? I didn’t even try.
Why? Because whenever something didn’t come easily to me, I would find someone else to do it or just decide not to do it. I had the thought, “I can’t do that. I’m not good at sewing or crafts.”
So I didn’t do it.
But here’s what I’ve realized: that wasn’t actually true. I never tried to learn. I never gave myself the chance to figure it out. I just saw Deborah’s skill level and decided I couldn’t reach it.
The truth is, I could have learned. I could have started simple. I could have made imperfect but heartfelt costumes that my kids would have loved.
But “I can’t” stopped me before I even began.
The Learning Killer
Here’s what I’ve discovered after decades of helping people transform their lives: “I can’t” statements are occurrings that stop the learning process cold.
Let me tell you about a student—let’s call him John—who struggled with math in second grade. He gave the struggle the occurring, “I’m not good at math.”
Of course, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. From then on, any time he had difficulty with math, it was just more evidence supporting this occurring. He’d hit a challenging problem and think, “See? I can’t do math. I’m just not a math person.”
But consider this: I know someone named Anup from India. In his community, people believe that math ability comes from hard work, not natural talent. So when Anup struggles with a math problem, his teachers tell him, “You’ll need to work harder and try some new learning strategies. We’ll find a way.”
The next time Anup struggles, he hears his teacher’s voice: “We’ll find a way.” And he does.
Same challenge. Completely different internal response. Completely different outcome.
The Funhouse Mirror Effect
As you can see, your mind’s occurrings—the meanings you give events—during the learning process will impact your ability to learn.
If your occurrings say that you can’t do something or that it’s too hard, then you’ll find yourself struggling not just with the actual learning but with your thoughts as well. Things get twice as hard.
It’s like looking at yourself in a funhouse mirror. The distortion makes everything look impossible, when the reality might be much more manageable.
So many of us have occurrings that distort our view of reality just like that funhouse mirror. We see “I can’t” occurrings everywhere, when what’s actually happening is much simpler: we just haven’t learned something yet.
How to End the Inner Struggle
So how do we end this inner struggle that makes learning—and life—so difficult?
We use the steps of the Lefkoe Occurring Process to get in touch with reality outside our minds.
Here’s exactly how it works:
Step 1: As soon as you notice that “I can’t” occurrings or feelings are getting in the way, stop.
Step 2: Ask yourself these questions:
- “What am I feeling?”
- “What thoughts/occurrings are showing up?”
- “How is my mind judging what’s happening that’s causing my feelings?”
- “What concrete events are happening?”
- “What can be seen and heard that is happening now?”
Step 3: Notice that the concrete events are different than the occurrings generated by your mind.
Step 4 (Optional): Create some alternative ways of seeing the same concrete events.
Step 5: Notice how your feelings have changed.
Let’s See This in Action
Let me walk you through exactly how this worked for John when he was struggling with that math problem:
John asks: “What am I feeling?” Answer: “Frustration.”
Then: “What occurrings are showing up?” Answer: “I can’t do this. I’m just no good at math.”
Then: “What concrete events are happening?” Answer: “I’m writing down the steps of this problem, and I can see that the answer I got is different than the one in the back of the book. I don’t know where I went wrong.”
Then he notices: “I can see that the concrete events are different than the occurrings. My mind says I can’t do it, but all I see is that I got an answer different than the one in the back of the book.”
Next, he asks: “How else can the events be interpreted?” Answer: “Getting an answer wrong doesn’t mean I’m not good at something. There’s just something I don’t know.”
Finally: “I noticed that it doesn’t feel so heavy or frustrating. I still don’t know the answer, but now I feel hopeful that I will find out what I did wrong so I can fix it.”
Notice that John didn’t come up with any unique insights. Anyone outside his situation could see that he just needed to find out what he did wrong with the math problem.
But after dissolving the occurring, he was able to notice this himself. And that makes it far more powerful.
The Possibility Shift
When you realize that “I can’t” was just an occurring—not reality—something magical happens.
You start thinking things like:
- “Maybe I can’t right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to”
- “I haven’t learned how to do this yet”
- “This is challenging, but challenging doesn’t mean impossible”
Your behavior changes completely. Instead of giving up, you start looking for solutions. Instead of avoiding, you start experimenting. Instead of “I can’t,” you start asking, “How can I?”
Your Challenge This Week
I want you to catch yourself the next time you say “I can’t.”
Stop and ask: “Did I ever actually see ‘I can’t’?”
The answer will always be no.
You might have seen yourself struggle. You might have seen yourself not know how to do something. You might have seen yourself need more time or practice or help.
But you never saw “I can’t.”
When you realize that “I can’t” was just an occurring you made up—not something you actually observed—possibilities will open up.
Because if you believe “Maybe I can’t right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to,” your behavior is going to be completely different.
The World Beyond “I Can’t”
When you work to dissolve those limiting occurrings, the distortion clears. You see reality. You’re looking through clean glass, and you see yourself and the world more clearly.
This is what it takes to learn effectively when we struggle. We must notice the occurrings and see past them to reality.
Once we do that, we can continue the learning process and develop amazing skills we never thought we could learn.
What “I can’t” occurring has been limiting your life? What possibilities might open up if you realized it was just an occurring, not a fact?
Try the occurring process and let me know how it goes. You might be amazed at what becomes possible when those three little words stop blocking your way.
Ready to dive deeper? If you’d like to master the process of dissolving limiting occurrings like “I can’t,” join the waiting list for our upcoming Occurring Course. Registration opens in August, and this course will teach you to make dissolving these mental blocks a natural, automatic part of your life. Once you’re on the waiting list, you’ll receive exclusive goodies that show you how to make powerful changes in your life using the occurring concept.
What “I can’t” occurring have you been carrying around? Try questioning it using the steps above and share your experience in the comments below.
