A client called me and said, “Shelly, I’m worth $10 million. I’m on the cover of business publications. I keep promising my wife that I’m going to come home for dinner. I keep promising my kids that I’m going to go to their games and their plays. My second wife is ready to leave me. I need help.”
Can you hear the desperation in his voice? Here’s a man who, by all external measures, is wildly successful. Yet internally, he’s drowning. His relationships are crumbling. And no matter how much he achieves, it’s never enough.
I’ve seen this pattern hundreds of times over my decades as a belief coach. And I’ve discovered that behind the driven, workaholic behavior lies a profound truth:
The Belief That Drives the Workaholic
When we’re little and we conclude “I’m not good enough” because we get criticized a lot, we need to find a way to not feel that horrible feeling. So we look for evidence that contradicts it.
For him, and for so many of my clients, that evidence came in the form of achievements. Get an A on your report card? Dad smiles. Win the soccer championship? Mom’s proud. Land the big client? The boss praises you.
And then, without realizing it, we form a new belief: “What makes me good enough is achieving things.”
That belief becomes the invisible driver that pushes us to work longer, harder, and sacrifice everything else in our lives. It’s like being on a treadmill that keeps getting faster, and you don’t know how to step off.
The Never-Ending Treadmill
I asked my client, “Think back to when you made your first million. How did you feel?”
“Great… for about a week,” he admitted. “Then I was focused on the next goal.”
“And when you made five million?”
“Same thing. The feeling never lasts.”
That’s the insidious nature of achievement-based worth. It never satisfies the deeper need. Because the truth is, no external achievement can heal the internal belief that you’re not good enough.
My client was caught in this loop:
- Promise his family he’d be home for dinner
- Feel pulled to keep working (because that’s what makes him “good enough”)
- Break his promise
- Feel guilt
- Work harder to prove his worth
- Repeat
The problem isn’t his lack of love for his family. It’s that his sense of self is completely tied to his achievements.
The Bottleneck Effect
Another consequence of this belief? My client had become the bottleneck in his own company.
“I can’t delegate,” he told me. “No one does it as well as I do.”
Do you see what’s happening? It’s not just about maintaining quality. It’s about needing to be the one who achieves. If someone else handles it, he doesn’t get the “hit” of achievement he craves.
This is why so many successful entrepreneurs struggle to scale their businesses. They won’t delegate because, unconsciously, they need to be the hero who does it all.
The Wake-Up Call
For my client, his wake-up call was his second marriage nearing collapse, just like his first one did. He realized that all his millions couldn’t buy back the time he’d missed with his children, couldn’t repair the damage to his relationships.
For others, it might be a health crisis, burnout, or simply looking around one day and realizing they’re surrounded by achievements but have no one to share them with.
What’s your potential wake-up call? Are you heading toward one now?
Breaking Free from the Achievement Trap
When my client and I started working together, we had to address two core beliefs:
- The foundation: “I’m not good enough”
- The survival strategy: “What makes me good enough is achieving”
The first belief was formed through childhood experiences where he felt criticized and judged. The second formed when he noticed that achievements brought him temporary relief and praise.
But here’s what’s fascinating about beliefs like these: they were formed by a child’s mind trying to make sense of the world. They’re not actually true.
Using the Lefkoe Belief Process, my client was able to:
- Identify the specific childhood experiences that led to these beliefs
- Recognize alternative interpretations of those experiences
- See that he never actually “saw” the belief in the world—he only saw events to which he assigned meaning
- Realize the belief was just an interpretation, not a truth
When the belief “What makes me good enough is achieving” was gone, he felt something he described as “a weight lifting off my chest.”
For the first time, he could contemplate stepping away from work without anxiety. He could delegate without feeling diminished. He could be present with his family without part of his mind always being at the office.
Life After the Achievement Addiction
After eliminating these beliefs, my client made significant changes:
- He started leaving the office at 5:30 PM three days a week
- He delegated major responsibilities to his team (and found they often exceeded his expectations)
- He began coaching his son’s weekend sports team
- He and his wife started having regular date nights
“I still love my work,” he told me months later. “But now I choose it rather than being driven by it. And I love my life too.”
Are You Caught in the Achievement Trap?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable when you’re not being productive?
- Have you broken promises to loved ones because work “had to get done”?
- Do you struggle to delegate important tasks?
- Does your sense of worth fluctuate based on your latest accomplishment or failure?
- Do your achievements feel satisfying for a short time, only to leave you chasing the next goal?
If you answered yes to some of these, you may have formed the belief that your worth comes from your achievements.
And here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay on that treadmill. You really don’t.
Because this type of behavior comes from a sense of lack—”I’m not okay as I am”—no matter how much you achieve, it will never be enough. Look back on your own experience. You’ll see that every time you reached a goalpost, another one appeared further in the distance.
Your Path Forward
If you recognize yourself in my client’s story, there are two powerful ways to create change:
- Try our Natural Confidence Program, which helps you eliminate the 19 most common self-worth beliefs that keep you stuck in patterns of overwork and under-living.
- Consider working with me one-on-one for a free strategy session, where I can guide you through the specific beliefs driving your particular patterns.
The freedom that comes when you eliminate these beliefs is truly transformative. You can still be ambitious, still create, still achieve—but you’ll do it from choice rather than compulsion. You won’t be driven away from your family, your friends, and your own health in the process.
Instead, you’ll be free to create a life where success includes both your achievements AND the relationships that give those achievements meaning.
What could be better than that?
Have you struggled with workaholism or achievement addiction? Share your experience in the comments below. And if you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them.