Why You Keep Having the Same Fight (And How to Finally Stop)

I can’t tell you how many times I sit with clients who are frustrated, exhausted, and completely fed up — not because they don’t love their partners, friends, or family members, but because they’re stuck in the same conflicts. Over and over. Like a bad song on repeat.

They fight, they talk, they analyze it to death, they process, and then… nothing changes.

Sound familiar?

When “There Are No Bananas” Nearly Broke Us

Let me tell you a story. When Morty and I were married, we had our moments like every couple. One day, he walked into the kitchen and said, very calmly, “There are no bananas.”

And I lost it. “Bananas?! I had four sessions with clients today. I’m raising two kids, I’m running a household — and you want bananas?!”

Without skipping a beat, Morty looked at me and said, “Wow. That was really defensive. Want to work on it?”

Now, it could’ve turned into a three-day war with silence and slammed doors. But instead, I took a breath and asked myself: What just happened here?

Here’s what I discovered — and it changed everything.

The Real Problem Wasn’t the Bananas

The event was simple: Morty said, “There are no bananas.”

But in my mind, those four little words became: “You’re failing as a wife. You should have noticed. You should have gone shopping. A good wife would have bananas.”

This is what we call an “occurring” — the meaning your mind automatically gives to an event. Here’s what’s important to understand: Events themselves are neutral. They have no inherent meaning. All meaning exists in our minds, never in the events themselves.

An occurring feels completely real and true in the moment. You can’t see the difference between what actually happened and what you’re making it mean. That’s what makes occurrings so powerful — and so problematic.

But once I could see that distinction — event versus meaning — everything shifted. Morty wasn’t criticizing my wifely duties. He was literally just telling me there were no bananas.

It Happens Everywhere, Not Just in Romance

Take my friend Sarah. She’s constantly frustrated with her sister who shows up late to everything — family dinners, birthday parties, even their dad’s funeral was almost delayed because of her.

Sarah’s occurring? “She doesn’t respect my time. She doesn’t respect me as a person. I’m not important enough for her to show up on time.”

But what if her sister is just terrible at managing time? What if she gets overwhelmed easily? What if she’s dealing with anxiety that makes leaving the house difficult?

Same event (lateness), completely different meanings. And Sarah’s suffering comes entirely from the meaning she’s giving it, not from the actual lateness itself.

The Pattern I Keep Seeing

Another example from my own life: I used to interrupt Morty constantly during conversations. He’d point it out, and I’d get defensive. The occurring in my mind? “He thinks I’m rude. He’s trying to control me.”

But when I really looked at it, I realized I was giving his feedback the meaning that I was being attacked. The actual event was just him sharing how my behavior affected him.

And yes, there was a pattern behind my interrupting — I’d grown up in a loud family where you had to talk over people to be heard. But the real breakthrough came when I stopped giving his feedback negative meaning.

Here’s What I’ve Learned

Talking about problems over and over won’t change a thing if we keep giving events the same meanings. It’s like trying to fix a leak by mopping the floor while the pipe is still bursting behind the wall.

The magic happens when you can catch yourself in the moment and ask: “What meaning am I giving this event? What if that meaning isn’t true? What if there are other ways to interpret what just happened?”

When you dissolve the occurring — the meaning your mind automatically created — the negative feelings dissolve with it. And suddenly, you’re not fighting about the same thing anymore because you’re not making it mean the same thing anymore.

What Becomes Possible

Life shouldn’t be about constant fighting and rehashing old pain. Life should be joyful. Life should be juicy. Passionate. Light. Alive.

This work around occurrings — learning to catch them, dissolve them, and live with so much more freedom — has been transformational. Not just for me, but for hundreds of people who’ve learned these tools.

That’s why we offer the Lefkoe Occurring Course. It’s designed to teach you exactly how to use the Occurring Process to dissolve negative emotions in the moment and create lasting change in your relationships and your life.

If this resonates with you — if you’re tired of the same old patterns and ready to experience relationships (and life) without all the drama and reactivity — I invite you to join the waiting list.

Join the waiting list here and you’ll get exclusive goodies that teach you more about how to use the Occurring Process to change your life.

Because here’s what I know for sure: You don’t have to keep having the same fight. You don’t have to keep suffering over the meanings your mind creates. There’s a completely different way to live.

And it starts with seeing the difference between what happens and what you make it mean.

With love and possibility,

Shelly