We are in the process of creating a new online program specifically for people who experience a lot of stress.  As part of my research I attended a lecture on stress in San Francisco last week delivered by Dr. Sian Bieland, a University of Chicago professor.

Dr. Bieland explained to the U of C alumni audience how “stressful situations” make us “choke.”  She described how stress affects us and then offered us a few tips on how to alleviate or overcome stress when we experience it in business or in sports.

As I listened I had the thought: Most psychologists and personal growth gurus assume that problems (such as stressful situations) really exist “out there,” “in the world,” and then offer solutions to deal with them.  I have a real problem with that approach because I don’t think that many of the so-called problems exist independent of us. (See my post, “How To Change ‘Human Nature’,” which deals with a similar topic, https://www.mortylefkoe.com/change-human-nature/#)

In other words, if there were such a thing as a stressful situation, then it would be very useful to learn how to deal with it effectively.  But I contend there is no such thing as a stressful situation.  Situations, as such, have no inherent meaning.  And meaningless events can’t make us feel stress or anything else.

The stress we experience is the result of the meaning we give to events, not the events themselves.  Change the meaning and the stress disappears.

Here are a few examples of how we attribute meaning

Assume your business fails and you have to declare bankruptcy.  Most people would agree that that is a stressful situation.  If you give the bankruptcy the meaning that you failed, that it means something bad about you, that you will never be able to earn enough money to support yourself and your family, etc.—then that meaning will cause considerable stress.  On the other hand, if you have read the life stories of successful people (in business and other fields of endeavor) and know that most of them attribute their success today to the lessons they learned through “failure” earlier in life, your bankruptcy would occur to you as a valuable learning lesson. And if you assigned the event this meaning, you would not experience stress.  Many years ago my wife Shelly and I experienced bankruptcy and foreclosure on our home.  Shelly experienced tremendous fear and stress, because she gave the events the meaning I described above.  I experienced no stress whatsoever, because the events occurred to me as learning opportunities.

Here’s another example: In a recent Lefkoe Occurring Course one of the participants told us how he had helped some friends whose house had burned down, destroying virtually all their possessions.  The friends were devastated.  But after the people whose house burned down talked for a while to their friend  (who was learning how to stop giving meaning to events in our course) they realized that they had always wanted to live out of the United States, they had an idea for a new business they had always wanted to start, etc.  By the time the conversation was over the couple was excited about all the possibilities they had identified and were no longer upset about the destruction of their home.

One more story:  Another student in an Occurring Course wrote about how she dealt with her daughter being taken to the hospital in a lot of pain.  The doctors initially had no idea what was wrong with her, so they had to give her a lot of tests.  The mother kept thinking to herself, “My daughter’s pain doesn’t mean anything.  It doesn’t mean she is going to die, or even that she is very sick.”  When the doctors came in after many hours to tell her that her daughter would be fine, she realized that not giving her daughter’s condition any meaning enabled her to stay present with her daughter and help calm her down, rather than be hysterical as she would have been had she given negative meaning as she would have in the past.

For people who have never experienced that events have no inherent meaning, stories like these can be difficult to believe, and yet that is how life occurs to me every day and to many others who have learned how to stop giving meaning to events.

Back to my original point: Wouldn’t it be better to learn how to dissolve (or not even experience) stress than to learn how to cope with it while being overwhelmed by it?

Meaning we make up is the source of most relationship difficulties

Stress is not the only type of emotion that is the result of meaning.  Almost all upsets and arguments are the result of the meaning we give the other person’s behavior.

There are many psychotherapists and relationship experts who offer excellent advice on how to minimize arguments and deal more effectively with them when they occur.  But if upsets and arguments are the result of the meaning you give the behavior of others, and you can dissolve that meaning, then upsets and arguments are no longer inevitable.  I’ve eliminated about 95% of them from my life since I learned to stop giving meaning to what my wife Shelly and my two daughters do and say.

Here’s a description of how someone in my last Occurring Course changed the meaning he gave some events and totally shifted his reaction to loved ones.

“On Sunday evening, I tried to call my daughter, but I got her voice mail. I tried to call my girlfriend, and I got her voice mail. I tried to call my son and I got his voice mail.  It occurred to me that everyone else was somewhere having fun and I was not and that they were so busy having a good time that they didn’t have time to talk to me.  I quickly noticed that it was not the truth, just my interpretation. It caused me to smile to myself as I noticed how I had made it mean that they didn’t want to talk to me.

[As soon as I made that distinction] the bad feeling was gone. “

What a difference a little bit of meaning makes!

My tip of the week

Before you look for a solution to a problem that seems to exist “out there,” check and see if it really exists independently of you or whether the meaning you have given events in the world created the problem to begin with.  If so, then dissolve the meaning that is causing the problem by realizing that there is a crucial difference between what actually happens in reality and the meaning you give those events that exists only in your mind.  When you’ve done that, the meaning will dissolve along with the problem that the meaning had caused.

Please leave your comments and questions about dissolving problems we created to begin with, instead of coping with or handling problems that appear to be in the world.

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26 Comments

  1. Lauren February 5, 2012 at 10:52 am - Reply

    Joao,
    Yes, you’re right it is “easier” to understand when you are reading about it and are in a calm frame of mind. This is the point: at the moment you realize you are feeling pain and knowing you have a way to get rid of the pain, then in that very moment you say to yourself, “Is this really what is happening?” or “Is this how reality is occurring for me and bringing up pain?” I know when you’re in the midst of a situation, it can be difficult to question how you’re feeling. I had this problem when I was going through the Occurring Course; but doing it over and over in which you aren’t so emotional can help you later on in a situation in which you are very upset.
    Hope this helps,
    Lauren

  2. JOAO February 5, 2012 at 4:17 am - Reply

    here is my point, THIS IS EASY UNDERSTOOD when reading and is a calm situation to think about, but IN A REAL STRESSFULL SITUATION OH NO, YOU DO THINK OR DON´T DO YOU JUST PAIN. This is the reson I affirm IS NOT A LOGIC ANSWER IS ANYTHING MORE PROFUOND IT PERSISTS AND KEEP IN THOSE AWFUL MOMENTS.

  3. Ahmad Hilaly November 4, 2011 at 3:37 pm - Reply

    Morty,
    Thanks for your response. I totally agree with you that belief plays a major role. However, I am surprised about your comment “Logical explanations for the events are largely irrelevant”. Would you please elaborate what you mean by “irrelevant”? When your wife Shelly experienced stress because of the bankruptcy, I am not sure you can say her logical explanation of the event was irrelevant. Yes, the bankruptcy might lead to something greater; there is some possibility. But the reality is that after bankruptcy happens one has already lost something valuable; the loss is real. This loss has a high probability of creating additional problems in life and naturally this causes stress. You typically suggest that we should change the meaning of the event. How do you change the meaning? By reframing the situation. How do you reframe? You do that by looking at “possible positive” aspects of the event. So, you see “logical analysis” is very relevant, it is not irrelevant. The challenge is how to choose the reasoning (or “meaning”) so that it is best for us. One can always argue in favor or against a particular “reasoning” or “meaning”. It appears that your method (Lefkoe) proposes to choose the reasoning (or meaning) that serves us best (the meaning itself may or may not be ultimately true). After the bankruptcy, you chose a beneficial meaning (learning opportunities). Even if you do not assign any “meaning” to an event and choose to stay neutral, that itself is a “beneficial meaning”. So, ultimately, there is a lot of logical analysis involved, although the basis of our choice should be “what is most beneficial for me”. If I choose a meaning which is beneficial for me, and discard other logically true meanings that are harmful for me, I will most likely be stress-free. Do you think the “weight” or “strength” of different logical explanations of an event are always equal? I look forward to receiving your comments. Thanks.

    Ahmad

    • Morty Lefkoe November 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm - Reply

      Hi Admad,

      It is difficult to explain this fully on a conceptual basis. When one experiences what I am saying, it is much more real.

      Essentially, events have no inherent meaning. So any meaning we give events is in our minds, something we made up. If we think it is “the truth,” we are always wrong, because there is no one “right” meaning for events. What I call “occurring” is meaning we have unconsciously and automatically made up for events in reality — that we substitute for reality and think is the truth. It never is. So if we recognize the distinction between real events and meaning in our mind, we can dissolve the occurring/meaning.

      It is always valid to look at events and make a conscious inferences based on prior knowledge and all the circumstances. But this conscious inference we know is only a possibility that needs to be confirmed. We don’t think occurrings need to be confirmed because, for us, they are reality/the truth.

      Logic is relevant to conscious inference; it is irrelevant to occurrings.

      Hope this helps to clarify the issue. People in my Lefkoe Ocurring Course spend 10 weeks making this real and learning how to identify and dissolve all their occurrings.

      Love, Morty

  4. Oranj October 30, 2011 at 8:42 am - Reply

    Yesterday i was working on natural confidence belief # 13 I am worthless… when program starts i realized this belief was caused by my interactions with friends from early school years, some teachers, school authorities and my parents as well. i recalled all the memories and events that made me feel down about my self, made me feel i am worthless. it was really painful to recall them and wrote them down. But when i get rid of the belief by the end of the program it felt as if big stone holding my breathe was removed and I started breathing deeply and felt total release from something big and dark inside of me. Total joy!!! really appreciate this program and lifetime changes it brings to our life!

  5. gabi October 29, 2011 at 10:43 am - Reply

    I don’t know what to say anymore .From yesterday until now I had to pick my moher and my children to the bunker room. Two rachets failed on my city and there is damage, panic and people hearts and minds are brocked in pieces. Children and elders are living on rockets and allarms , bad news all the time. I hope from the bottom of my heart that peace will come for all of us.

  6. mayuk October 26, 2011 at 9:35 pm - Reply

    MORTY
    what about when some body lost someone who was very close to that concerned person do u think in this state the individual will be able to differentiate?thank you

    best regards
    Mayuk

    • Morty Lefkoe October 27, 2011 at 9:26 am - Reply

      Hi Mayuk,

      You might choose to grieve for a time, but being overwhelmed with grief for a long time can be stopped by dissolving meaning.

      Love, Morty

  7. Justin | Mazzastick October 26, 2011 at 6:55 pm - Reply

    Great points as always Morty. If we could just get the rest of the world on board with learning how to give empowering meaning to events we would literally see the world transformed over night.

  8. Phil Hudson October 26, 2011 at 6:33 pm - Reply

    Morty, Thank you for this post. At 50 and bankrupt with foreclosure staring me in the face, these posts are really helpful. God Bless you!!

  9. Mark A. October 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm - Reply

    Hi Morty,
    How do one handle a situation when cashflow is almost zero (bills unpaid), clients
    change their minds and business deals fall through ……causing additional stress?
    This seems to have a compounding effect. Please comment. Thanks.

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 4:53 pm - Reply

      Hi Mark,

      I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

      Change the meaning you are giving your situation and the stress will disappear — not the problem of not having money. You still have to find a way to earn a living, but you can do it with or without stress.

      Without stress is better.

      Love, Morty

  10. jen October 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm - Reply

    I have come to accept (but not always remember) there is no good or bad. Things just are. Even abuse that completely changed my life and overturned my world… The most damaging part of the abuse were the beliefs I formed about myself. (That’s not to say that you stay and accept it, because it is not good or bad. It means you get to decide what you like and what you don’t like, and make decisions accordingly.)

    If I had never been abused, I never would have become the person I am today. I LIKE the person I am today, so I am at peace with my past.

    Thanks for the post!

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 4:51 pm - Reply

      Hi Jen,

      Congratulations on not giving meaning to the abuse you suffered early in life. Dealing with what actually happened and not the meaning you made in your mind enables you to move forward effectively.

      Love, Morty

  11. Jutta October 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm - Reply

    I find that when I accept an event or happening, the fear or discomfort disappears.
    Jutta

  12. Ahmad Hilaly October 26, 2011 at 12:19 pm - Reply

    Morty,

    I think we do not choose the interpretations of an event arbitrarily; we choose the interpretations based on most-likely reasons. In your examples, people felt stressed based on most-likely consequences, which are NOT untrue. So, the challenge is how to discard the negative interpretation (which are true) and choose to focus on possibly positive interpretations. This has a connotation of denial. I always find this “denial” aspect problematic. Should we totally discard logical reasoning and choose “what is beneficial for me”? Your response will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

    Ahmad

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 2:20 pm - Reply

      Hi Admad,

      I think the meaning we give to events is usually given unconsciously and is determined largely by our beliefs. Logical explanations for the events are largely irrelevant.

      From working with over 13,000 people it is now clear to me that events have no inherent meaning, that meaning is always in our mind.

      It is not a question of choosing beneficial or negative meanings. Both are in your mind, not in the world.

      Thanks for your comments.

      Love, Morty

  13. Bill Nonte October 26, 2011 at 9:10 am - Reply

    Great post Morty! It reminds me of the Dr. Wayne Dyer story about a woman who was suffering from terrible stress. She was in a therapy session with Dr. Dyer and at the end of the session he gave her a bucket. The woman asked what the bucket was for. Dr. Dyer told her that he wanted her to fill the bucket with stress and bring it back to him when they next met. Needless to say, the bucket returned empty:) Proving your point that there is no stress out there..it is all made up in our minds by the meanings we assign to events, people, etc… Thanks again for your and Shelly’s great revelations about the impact of beliefs on our lives. Your teachings continue to postitively impact me on a daily basis! Talk to you soon. Bill

  14. Tatianna October 26, 2011 at 7:27 am - Reply

    Thank you very much for this wonderful article. I found out about you through Steve Pavlina’s blog a while ago, and I absolutely love all the information you are providing here. I shared your post on my facebook and twitter.
    This definitely came in time for me, because I always give too much meaning to events and stress out.

  15. HILARY MOON October 26, 2011 at 5:33 am - Reply

    I appreciate your perspective on a lot of the Stress we feel as being the meaning we give to situations – but is there not also the ‘Stress-Response” that can save our life – when that tiger is bounding up on us and we are attempting to out-run it, would we not feel a lot of STRESS? Or would your suggestion be to give the tiger’s rapid chase a different meaning than that he is hungry and that I may be just the meal he wants ? I believe that my STRESS-RESPONSE might generate enough energy to save my life. Or perhaps your understanding of STRESS is more specific, to mean our inability to re-balance our body chemistry AFTER the stress-response has served a useful purpose. Please clarify !

    • Lauren October 26, 2011 at 9:03 am - Reply

      Morty is referring to situations in which people react emotionally, giving meaning to a situation with no meaning. As far as reacting to a “life or death” situation(like running from a tiger or other life-threatening events) of course we want to rely on that instinct. The problem, though, is we rely on that stress response in situations that aren’t life-threatening and react in a way increases the emotions as if we are in a life-threatening situation. It is this that increases our “stress-response” and many people haven’t learned to distinguish it. As a participant in the Occurring Course, I learned to defuse that response.
      Hope this helps,
      Lauren

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 10:08 am - Reply

      Hi Hilary,

      When was the last time you had to run from a tiger?

      We needed to automatically give meaning to events when there were life-threatening events all the time. There are very few nowadays. So we are unconsciously and automatically giving meaning to events that have no real meaning, thereby acting as if the meaning in our minds is real in the world.

      Love,Morty

  16. miyake October 26, 2011 at 4:34 am - Reply

    I suffer from from driving anxiety and it literally means anytime I am on the freeway I get stressed out. I can’t drive faster than 60miles/hr. Would you say its the same occuring belief I have put in myself that makes me anxious?is it easy to say to then roads are fine and there seems to be nothing to be fearful of and the belief occurence anxiety goes away? Tricky

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 10:06 am - Reply

      Hi Miyake,

      Sounds like you have some type of driving phobia, whihc is usually caused by a combination of beliffs and conditioning.

      Love, Morty

  17. Grace Chiang October 26, 2011 at 2:41 am - Reply

    I can see your point, however, could you explain the situation of facing a difficult, emoitional parent who upsets almost everyone in the family. thanks.

    • Morty Lefkoe October 26, 2011 at 10:02 am - Reply

      Hi Grace,

      Based on my experience no one can “upset” anyone else. The meaning you give someone’s behavior products the upset, not their behavior.

      Change the meaning you give the other person’s behavior and your emotional response changes.

      Love, Morty

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