“My boss makes me angry.”
“Public speaking makes me terrified.”
“I can’t stop getting upset over what my mother-in-law says.”
Have you ever said something like this? I hear these phrases all the time from people I work with, and I used to say them myself.
But what if I told you that every single one of these statements is based on a lie?
The Myth We’ve All Been Sold
Most of the world believes in what I call the “outside-in myth”—the idea that external events control our internal emotional state.
They made you angry. This thing makes you scared. That loss makes you sad.
In this viewpoint, we can only feel good if “good” things happen to us. Something else is always in charge of our emotional state, and we’re just along for the ride in an increasingly uncertain world.
But here’s what I’ve learned after decades of helping people transform their lives: This belief is not only wrong—it’s stealing your power.
When the Light Bulb Turns On
I’ll never forget demonstrating our occurring process during one of our courses. We were working with a woman in the group who shared that years earlier, she had visited her mother in the hospital. Her mom had made a comment suggesting that she wasn’t caring enough—that maybe her sister was the better daughter who showed up more.
“My mother made me feel like such a bad daughter,” she said. “I’ve been carrying this hurt for years.”
As we walked her through the process, something incredible happened. The moment she realized that the meaning “I’m a bad daughter” wasn’t actually in her mother’s words—that she had created that interpretation—everything changed.
Her eyes literally lit up. Her whole posture shifted. “Oh my God,” she said, practically bouncing in her seat. “I’ve been carrying this for so many years, and it’s hurt me so much. And now it’s gone!”
That’s the moment someone realizes they’ve been giving their power away.
The Science Behind Taking Back Control
This isn’t just feel-good psychology—there’s solid research backing this up. Studies consistently show that people with an internal locus of control (those who believe they have influence over their own lives) are more effective, happier, and even live longer.
A comprehensive study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies analyzed data from 170,000 people across 37 countries and found “a strong positive relationship between locus of control and subjective well-being.”
In other words, the more you realize you’re in the driver’s seat of your emotional life, the happier you become.
How to Break Free from the Outside-In Trap
The shift from outside-in to inside-out thinking doesn’t happen overnight. You can understand it intellectually, but until you’ve experienced it over and over again, the natural assumption remains that events outside cause your feelings.
That’s why in our Lefkoe Occurring Course, we start with something deceptively simple: learning to notice when you’re actually having an “occurring”—when you’re giving meaning to an event.
Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They think the world is making them upset. But here’s what we show them:
- An event happened (your boss frowned during the meeting)
- You had a feeling (anxiety, fear, anger)
- There was a meaning you gave it (“He thinks my work is terrible” or “I’m going to get fired”)
When you make a clear distinction between the meaning and the event—over and over again—something beautiful happens. You start to naturally realize that events outside do not cause your feelings.
You do.
And that means you have the power to change them.
Your Power Is Waiting
The woman who lit up in our demonstration didn’t just feel better about her relationship with her mother. She discovered something far more valuable: that she had been the creator of her own suffering all along.
Which meant she also had the power to be the creator of her own peace.
And here’s what’s truly beautiful about this shift: when you stop giving events meaning, your mind becomes quiet. That constant chatter—the endless loop of “What did they mean by that?” or “Why did this happen to me?”—simply stops. You’re no longer at the mercy of every external circumstance, replaying scenarios in your head, creating drama where none existed.
Right now, you might be carrying meanings about events that happened years ago. Meanings that are causing you pain, stress, or limitation today—and keeping your mind in a constant state of noise and reactivity. But those meanings? They’re not facts. They’re interpretations you created.
And what you created, you can change.
Imagine the relief of a mind that doesn’t automatically turn every event into a story about what’s wrong, what you should worry about, or what it means about you. That’s the power of understanding that your feelings come from the inside out, not the outside in.
The question is: Are you ready to reclaim control and experience the power of a quiet mind?
P.S. In my next article, I’ll reveal why the one thing everyone thought would make them happy never does (and what to do about it).
