Have you ever lashed out at someone you love, only to hate yourself afterward?

I have. More times than I care to admit.

Let me share a story that changed everything for me…

For years, I carried deep resentment toward Morty’s father. In my mind, he had treated Morty poorly when Morty was growing up. The facts were pretty stark:

  • He paid only $15 a week to Morty’s mom, even though he made a lot of money and could contribute much more
  • He rarely spent time with Morty
  • One day he left town, he said “Your mom is driving me out of town with her constant requests for money.” AND he didn’t even tell Morty where he went
  • Morty’s mom had to work two jobs to make ends meet
  • He didn’t help Morty financially with college, despite telling him hundreds of times how important it was to get a college education
  • Morty saw him only three times in the 27 years after he skipped town

Looking at those facts, I believed this man had hurt my husband, and it made me angry.

But here’s what fascinated me: Morty didn’t see it that way at all. He had chosen to interpret his father’s actions through a lens of understanding, considering his father’s own limiting beliefs and difficult experiences.

This difference in our perspectives caused me real emotional turmoil. Years later Morty reconnected with his dad. I’d get upset when Morty would speak kindly about him. I’d think things like: How can he not see what his father did to him? Why isn’t he angry? He should be protecting himself.

It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t dealing with what actually happened between Morty and his father. I was dealing with my interpretation of their relationship – and that interpretation was causing me to suffer.

Here’s What Really Happened vs. What I Made It Mean

The Event: Morty’s father didn’t give financial support or spend time with Morty as he was growing up.

My Occurring: He was a bad father who didn’t really care about his son. Morty should be angry and resentful.

Morty’s Interpretation: His father did the best he could given his beliefs, especially his beliefs about money. Having lived through the depression, he was always worried about money. As a self-made man who never received assistance from anyone, he was concerned that if he helped Morty financially, Morty would never know he could make it on his own.

Can you see how different these two things are? One version led to anger. The other led to peace of mind.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Here’s what I’ve learned from working with thousands of people: Most of us are not dealing with reality. We’re dealing with reality plus our interpretations – and those interpretations usually make everything worse.

Think about it. How often do you (or someone you know):

  • Assume your teenager is being “disrespectful” when they simply disagree with you?
  • Believe your boss is “trying to sabotage you” when they give you feedback?
  • Decide your friend “doesn’t care about you” when they don’t text back immediately?
  • Think you’re “failing” when you see others who seem calm and confident while you’re struggling?

In each case, you’re adding meaning to events – meaning that closes down your options and makes you react rather than respond.

What Happens When You Deal with Reality Instead

Let’s take that teenager example. If all that happened was your child expressed their opinion and disagreed with you, suddenly you have options:

  • You can listen to understand their perspective
  • You can explain your reasoning calmly
  • You can find common ground
  • You can agree to disagree respectfully

But if you’re convinced they’re being “disrespectful,” your only option feels like punishment or conflict.

Or consider the work scenario. If your direct report simply made some mistakes on a report, you can:

  • Provide additional training
  • Clarify expectations
  • Offer support where needed
  • Have a constructive conversation about improvement

But if you’re stuck in the occurring that “they’re making me look bad” or “they’re going to hurt my career,” you’re likely to either overreact or avoid the conversation entirely.

The Truth About Other People’s “Success”

And here’s something that might surprise you: when you see others who appear calm and confident while you’re struggling, remember – you’re only seeing what they’re presenting externally.

You have no idea what’s really going on inside their minds or their lives. Maybe they’re struggling too. Maybe they are good at suppressing their feelings in the moment. Maybe they’re having a good day while you’re having a challenging one.

The point is, comparing your internal experience to someone else’s external presentation is never going to give you accurate information.

How This Changes Everything

When you learn to separate events from your interpretations of those events, something magical happens:

✓ You stop overreacting to the people you love most

✓ You make better decisions based on actual information

✓ Your relationships improve dramatically

✓ You become more effective at work and at home

✓ You waste less mental energy on imaginary problems

One of my favorite testimonials came from Maria, who said: “I used to wake up with 10 or 12 negative thoughts before I even got out of bed. Now I wake up with a blank slate. My husband and daughter have both changed because I’m ‘lighter’ with them.”

This Is What You’ll Learn in the Occurring Course

Since you’re already on the waiting list, you know that the Lefkoe Occurring Course teaches you exactly how to dissolve those automatic meanings that keep you stuck in imaginary problems instead of dealing with real ones.

Here’s what this specific skill looks like in practice:

You’ll learn to catch yourself before you react to your interpretations instead of what actually happened.

You’ll discover how to separate events from meanings so you can deal with reality instead of your stories about reality.

You’ll develop the ability to make better decisions based on actual information rather than your assumptions.

The result? You become more successful at everything you do – your relationships, your friendships, your work, everything – when you’re in touch with reality instead of trapped in your occurrings.

This is a major benefit of dissolving occurrings, and for many people, it’s the most life-changing one.

P.S. How do we start to put these ideas into practice? Next, we’ll discuss the three practices of the quiet mind that make all these changes possible.