Unconditional self-esteem and how to get it

In 333 BC, Alexander the Great and his army marched into Gordium, the capital of Phrygia.

He observed a tangled bundle of knots tied to a wagon. The bundle was so complex that it was impossible to see how the knots were fastened. Phrygian legend said anyone who could unravel the knots would become the ruler of all of Asia. The ancient historian Arrian said Alexander was immediately “seized with an ardent desire” to untie the knot.

He tried for hours and made no progress. Then he stood back and said, “It makes no difference how they are loosed.” Then, he sliced the knot in half with his sword.

To solve the puzzle, Alexander ignored the unspoken conditions others had accepted – that you must untie the knot – and used his sword to cut right through the problem. Similarly, when it comes to building self-esteem, people assume a set of conditions.

That you must achieve to build your self-esteem.
That you must get recognition and praise from others.
That life must go pretty well or else we’ll feel down about ourselves.

As you can probably tell, I don’t agree with any of these assumptions.

I believe it’s possible to have unconditional self-esteem (and to give this gift to our clients)

Before I go into how I know this, I’ll define unconditional self-esteem. Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens in your life. So, if you succeed, you feel OK about you. If you fail, you still feel OK about you. That doesn’t mean you enjoy failing. You just continue to like yourself regardless of what happens.

The same is true when it comes to how others feel about you. You may be liked or not, and you might be praised or not. No matter what, you still feel OK as a person. Your sense of yourself is rock solid.

Unconditional self-worth allows you to feel OK even if everything in your life is not OK. This is an empowering way to be. You can remain centered and stable even when a storm of events whirls around you.

The question is, then, how do we help ourselves and our clients get this internal stability?

To get to this point requires that eliminating two different kinds of beliefs. 1) Self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs.

1) Self-Beliefs

Self-beliefs are any beliefs you have about yourself. “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not important,” “I’m not worthwhile.” They tell you that you’re OK or not OK. When you eliminate a self-belief, you often feel that a weight has been lifted. A natural feeling of confidence rises up within you. It’s not forced. It’s just there. You also feel worthy for no reason at all. You just do.

2) Survival Strategy Beliefs

These are beliefs that say your self-worth is contingent on something “good” happening. A belief like “What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly” makes you feel you need to do something just right before you can feel OK. A belief like “What makes me important is achieving” makes you feel you must reach important goals to feel good about yourself.

Both types of beliefs need to be eliminated to have unconditional self-worth.

I used to constantly worry about what others thought about me. After eliminating self-beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” and the survival strategy belief “What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me” my inner voice became quiet. I am now myself 24/7. I no longer feel defined by anything outside of me. It’s true freedom, and it makes my life way more fun.

But isn’t it natural to feel bad when things go wrong?

Yes, it is common for people to feel bad when things go wrong. When my husband died, I felt deep sorrow. I still miss him to this day. I’ll likely miss him for the rest of my life. However, I don’t feel bad about myself as a result of his passing.

Since Morty passed, I’ve met other widows who felt incompetent or unworthy when they struggled to do what their husbands did for them, especially when they saw other people enjoying life while they were still grieving. Some negative feelings are, of course, natural. However, self-judgment can always be eliminated if we get rid of limiting beliefs about ourselves.

Our training program, LMT1: Core Belief Coaching, helps you get good at eliminating beliefs, particularly self-beliefs. Before the course is over, you’ll have helped your clients eliminate limiting beliefs.

Here’s what one of our students had to say about it:

Thanks to the thorough practicing I used the The Lefkoe Method NEXT DAY (without my notes handy) with a Deloitte & Touche client, who was so personally distraught, there was no point in talking business during our executive coaching session. If you could have seen the radiance on that face after an hour! So … the tool is powerful and rich!

Agnes Mura, MA MCC, Past President, LA PCMA

Yes, we have you practice so much that by the end, you’ll find you can help clients eliminate a belief even when you weren’t expecting to need the process with your client.

Summary

Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens to you.
It empowers you to do what matters in your life even when things don’t go your way.
To gain unconditional self-worth, you need to eliminate two kinds of beliefs: 1) self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs.
Feeling bad about some unwanted events can’t always be avoided, but we can keep from feeling bad about ourselves by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Typical strategies for raising self-esteem take a long time and can be like trying to unravel the Gordion Knot. Eliminating beliefs is a bit more like having Alexander’s sword cut through to immediate relief.

Stay tuned for more information about the Lefkoe Method or leave a comment.

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I never miss Morty's weekly blogs. They put his work into concise and clear terms. He shows how the Lefkoe Method applies to a myriad of real human situations that cause suffering to most people. He explains how to eliminate this suffering by eliminating the core beliefs that fuel it such as "I'm a failure." He also demonstrates how his method differs from psychotherapy and is often more effective at producing long-lasting change in less time. … The blogs are different from his other services or products in that you don't need to buy them, schedule a session, or order a book. They are … brief, reader-friendly language, enough to read on a 10 minute break from work, for instance. The best part is I've seen positive changes in my own life that come directly from his blogs. This means a lot coming from a psychotherapist trained extensively in models of psychotherapy. I've also found them useful in my work with my own clients and to complement many theories of psychotherapy. I could go on effusively about Morty's magnificent blogs but I think I've already made my point.

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Thank you! I've read and considered the concept of creating my own world many many times but this is the first time I've actually experienced and felt it at my core. As you point out, it is one thing to know something intellectually and another to actually feel it and fully believe it. Thank you so much. This was truly a positive life changing experience. I will pass it on to all of my friends. I wish you every happiness and continued success.

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I have to tell you that you really broke something open for me when you shared your story about creating obstacles for yourself, because you thought your value was in how hard you could work to overcome those obstacles. Listening to you was a major "Aha!" moment for me - I realized I had been doing the same thing! I've experience enormous and recurring relief, knowing that I don't ever have to struggle again, and I'm perfectly worthwhile. Opportunities that I have been wanting for a long time have come pouring through the door since that "Aha!" moment...so thank you for putting your material out into the world!"

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