Three barriers to getting the source of a belief and how to overcome them

A family of meerkats is foraging for food but one meerkat is constantly scanning the horizon, looking in all directions. For what? Why? Soon it becomes apparent when the shadow of a large bird appears on the desert floor. The lookout sounds the alarm and all the other meerkats scurry back into their burrow. Later, when they re-emerge, another meerkat keeps watch while the others forage for food.

They take shifts with everyone having a turn at being the sentry for a while

The biggest barrier for meerkats getting food is the danger of predators in the form of birds or snakes. They solved this problem by always having someone look out for predators while they search for food. When eliminating beliefs, we also need to look out for specific barriers while we search for the source of a belief.

There are three barriers to watch for:

A – Not wanting to make parents wrong

B – Causation confusion

C – Not remembering events

A – Not wanting to make parents wrong

When you’re working with a self-esteem belief, the most common reason a client will give you the wrong source is that they don’t want to make their parents wrong. So they will tell you about experiences they had with other people, students at school, friends, teachers, etc., instead of describing childhood events with their parents.

The solution is to show them that even well-meaning, loving parents can do and say things that lead their children to negative conclusions about themselves.

One client named Roberta thought none of her beliefs could have come from her parents. She told me “They were such nice people. I don’t think they would have wanted me to form a negative belief.”

And I told her,

No parent intends for their children to form a negative belief. And most parents really love their children. However, because most parents don’t realize that their children are giving meaning to everything they do, parents inadvertently do or say things that lead their children to form negative beliefs while they are growing up.

After I said this to her she was able to acknowledge that it was at least possible that her parents could have said or done things that might have lead her to a negative belief. At which point she was able to continue with the process.

You can do the same. When you notice that a client resists acknowledging the source of a belief, remind them that no parent is perfect and even the most well-meaning parents can say or do things that a child may interpret in a negative way. This will help most clients who get stuck at this step but some clients readily give you source events but still give you something that’s not what you need. That’s when it’s useful to know about …

B – Causation confusion

Causation confusion is when a client gives us events that happened only because they already had the belief instead of events that lead to a belief. One example was a client who had the belief, “If I make a mistake or fail, I’ll be rejected.” When I asked him about the earliest experiences that could have led to his belief, he told me that on the first day of school he was so nervous and scared of doing anything wrong and that he would be terrified every time he made a mistake.

I then asked him how his teachers and classmates responded to him when he made a mistake. He said nobody reacted in an angry or disapproving way. So then I asked “Where did the fear come from? It sounds like you already had the belief, “If I make a mistake or fail, I’ll be rejected” and that’s why you were scared.

He thought about this for a moment… then he agreed that the events he mentioned were the result of the belief, not the cause of the belief. That enabled him to examine events that happened at home with his parents and find the ones that really did lead to the belief. But what do you do when the client draws a blank. That’s when it’s useful to know …

C – How to help a client that can’t remember events

Another barrier to finding the source is if a person cannot remember her childhood. When this happens, you want to ask the client if she can remember how her parents treated her at any age and then use that memory to help her make real how her parents reacted to her when she was younger.

Jason was a client who didn’t remember his childhood. Here’s how I helped him get in touch with the source of the belief “I’m not good enough.”

Shelly: What happened early in your life that lead you to conclude, “I’m not good enough?”

Jason: I know you’re looking for stuff that happened when I was a little kid but I just don’t remember that far back. I can remember my parents scolding me when I was 12 or 13. They would say “Why’d you do that?” or “You should know better,” or “We expect more of you.” Things like that.

S: OK. Fortunately you don’t have to remember specifically what happened. But you do need to make it real how your parents would have reacted when you did things they didn’t like when you were a bit younger than 12 or 13. So let me ask you: do you think your parents’ personalities when you were 12 or 13 are similar to what they were when you were 6 or 7?

J: I’d say they were probably pretty similar.

S: OK. So does it seem real to you that when you did things they didn’t like when you were a kid at 6 or 7 that they responded with disapproval. And that this might have been similar to what you remember at 10 or 13?

J: Yeah that’s real.

S: And can you imagine how your parents would have looked and sounded when they were scolding you at the earlier age?

J: Yeah.

S: So imagine getting scolded when you were 6 or 7. Imagine that happening dozens of or even hundreds of times while you were growing up. Does it seem real to you that those events happening over and over led you to conclude “I’m not good enough?”

J: Yes it is. I can see that now.

So here’s an analysis of what I did with Jason that you can do with a client who can’t remember his childhood.

I helped him identify events later in life that he could remember.
I helped him to see that his parents would have behaved similarly when he was a bit younger.
I had him imagine what it would be like to see his parents behavior at that earlier age.

But are all beliefs formed in childhood?

The simple answer is no. Many of the beliefs that form a person’s self concept are formed when we are children, however, that’s not the case with all beliefs. If someone believes “Lawyers can’t be trusted” that probably didn’t get formed when they were five years old. It’s likely formed a bit later. And even childhood beliefs aren’t always formed at home. A kid that believes “I’m bad at math” may have formed that in school.

The key is that you form a belief in the time and place that is most relevant to that belief. Beliefs about academic ability tend to be formed in school. Beliefs about workers tend to be formed at work. Beliefs about yourself tend to be from the earliest feedback you get from people – from parents at home.

One common mistake that people tend to make is to take one painful event as the source of a belief.

This is a problem because most beliefs are formed from a series of events, not just one or two times something painful happened. An example of this is a client who told me that the source of, “I’m not worthwhile” was the time her father came to her birthday party drunk when she was very young. He acted strangely and made a lot of people feel uncomfortable and many of her friends left early with their parents. She was embarrassed and he never apologized for what happened.

I let her know that I understood that this was a painful event and that she felt like she wasn’t worthwhile as it was taking place

However, this event by itself would not lead to such a broad belief. So I asked, “What else happened that contributed to you forming this belief?” She then told me about many other things her father had done which led to her belief.

So if a client gives you one painful memory, empathize with them, then help them find other events that also led to the belief. The one exception is if a client has been through an extremely traumatic experience such as rape or attempted murder. In those cases of extreme violence and pain, a belief can be formed from a single instance.

Summary

To sum up, there are three barriers that can get in the way of finding a good source for a belief: 1) not wanting to make parents wrong, 2) causation confusion and 3) not remembering childhood events. Knowing how to handle all three of these issues will make you more successful in eliminating the beliefs of others as well as yourself.

The meerkats succeed because they know exactly what dangers they are looking for and they know exactly what to do when these dangers arise

Now you know the three issues to look out for when seeking the source of a belief and what to do when they show up. All you need to do now is practice these strategies with yourself and your clients. As you do, you’ll be amazed at the results you are able to get for yourself and your clients.