How resentment can give way to love

After Hurricane Isaac in 2014, something curious had been seen floating in the flood waters in Florida. Small, circular, brown patches that looked like floating pancakes of dirt. Upon closer inspection, these objects were not dirt, instead they were collections of fire ants that stuck themselves together.

It turns out that when needed, the ants bond together to form a solid that can float on the surface of the water, protecting the larvae and the queen. They hold onto each other and don’t let go despite the challenging circumstances. However, when we’re dealing with emotions such as resentment, it’s often useful to do just the opposite. By letting go, we can move on.

Resentment is a kind of anger that comes from perceiving that we’ve been treated unkindly or unfairly. When you have it, it feels so real, so valid but also painful.

So then why do we “hold on” to resentment?

It seems the other person has wronged us. That doesn’t seem like an opinion or an interpretation. It seems like a fact. And sometimes it can feel like letting go of the hurt feelings lets the other person off the hook.

Then why does anyone bother to consider dissolving resentment?

It can allow you to feel more loving towards important people in your life despite the mistakes they may have made. You and they end up happier. For example, Martha had been feeling frustrated and resentful towards her husband. He had started remodeling the kitchen four months ago and it still wasn’t done. She felt out of place in her home and blamed him. After dissolving those feelings here’s what she shared with us:

The results transformed my relationship 180 degrees. I love my husband with his imperfections and weaknesses because he is a wonderful man overall, and constantly shows me he loves me. So why doubt about his love for me because of a single event? It doesn’t make sense! It was a total success!

When my daughter Brittany was a teenager, she started behaving differently towards my husband Morty than she had before. She would get angry if he asked about her day. She would go to her room and slam the door, if she didn’t get a response she wanted. Morty and she had always had a beautiful relationship in which she sat on his lap, held his hand and constantly expressed love towards him. Now things were different and he began to grow concerned.

What if the wonderful relationship with his daughter was coming to an end?

He was able to dissolve the meanings he was giving to these situations. And this affected his feelings and his behavior. Despite everything she did, he responded in a kind, patient and loving manner. And slowly over time their relationship re-blossomed.

This is what happens when we dissolve meanings that don’t serve us. It frees us to love others even if they seem to “wrong” us. And this gives us the best chance at healing these relationships.

So how do you dissolve resentment?

You follow the steps of the Lefkoe Occurring Process …

Write down the event, the feeling and the meaning.

Then notice the meaning and the event are two separate things. The meaning is in the mind, not in the event.

This noticing is what frees you.

When Martha did the exercise, here is what she wrote

Event: A kitchen remodeling that took 4 months.

1. I was feeling frustrated, resentful to my husband, out of place in my own home, and blaming him for all those feelings.

2. The meaning is that my husband doesn’t care about what I think, he doesn’t love me that much, he cares only about himself and his goals, everything is more important than our relationship.

3. Actually, I realized I gave those meanings to this event, but there could be many others. So I started brainstorming and came up with other possible meanings like: He needs to prove that he can handle a difficult project, he doesn’t want a professional installer to see his mistakes during his installation, he actually told me that I was right at different moments, so he cares about what I think. He was also frustrated, so it wasn’t just me. He put a lot of work to make sure we could use the kitchen at least partially during these months, so he cared about how I felt. Most of all, I realized that even though he made some bad decisions, they were not really related to me, but to his own way of thinking.

4. My loving feelings for him came back, I don’t resent him anymore.

These results are wonderful for Martha and Morty. Letting go of these negative feelings allowed them to heal relationships.

But what if you’re not sure you want to dissolve resentment?

That’s up to you. I don’t want to convince you to feel better towards a person you feel has hurt you, if feeling better isn’t what you want. However, if you’re asking this question, you may be considering the idea. If so, you can ask yourself “Why am I still considering dissolving this feeling? Why not just drop the idea altogether?” You just might discover that you have your own valid reasons to say yes or no to letting this go.

One mistake you can make is to tell yourself that this is what you should do. Instead, remember it’s a choice. You can choose to go through the steps to dissolve the resentment or you can choose to go another way. If now isn’t the right time, you can always try this process later at a time that is right for you.

So to sum up …

-Resentment is anger we feel when we think someone has wronged us

-We can dissolve this feeling when we dissolve the meanings that cause it

-Dissolving resentment is a choice, avoid making it into a thing you should do

-When you dissolve resentment feelings of love and kindness can re-emerge on their own

Fire ants hold onto each other during the worst of times. By doing so they ensure the health and wellbeing of their colony. When you dissolve hurt feelings, you can hold those you love closer to you and ensure the health and well being of your relationships.