I have often wondered why people get grumpy as they age and, more importantly, how to help those who have become grumpy regain their happiness. I found the answer to both questions and I’ll share them with you today.

Shelly and her father

Shelly and her father

Here’s how I began my search.

The Grumpiness Of My Dad And His Buddies

Before my parents passed away, I used to go to Florida to visit them. I always enjoyed seeing my dad who was a very loving man for most of my life.  

As he got older, I noticed that my dad was getting grumpier and grumpier.

What do I mean by “grumpy”?

By grumpy I mean quick to anger, seeing things negatively and fighting over little things.

It occurred to me that he was not the only person who was getting grumpy as he aged. Many  people in my parents’ senior complex were grumpy as well.  For example, my father and “the boys” as my mom called his friends, (all of whom were over 80) would go out for breakfast every morning.

One morning I was sitting by the pool and Manny said, “Let’s go to TooJay’s for breakfast.”

Harry said, “It’s too far.”  

Then Manny said “No, it’s only a half a mile.”  

And my dad said “No it’s three-quarters of a mile. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  

And the fight began.  Yes, it was really an argument about a ¼ of a mile.

He also was grumpy about other things.

He fought with my mother over whether a glass should be on the table or not.

He argued with my brother and I about whether My Big Fat Greek Restaurant was too far for dinner or not.

He yelled about how much food my mother bought.

Why did he and others his age behave this way?

A client gives me an insight

About a week after I returned home from Florida I was working with a client named Gary. He shared that he felt like he had suddenly lost his identity after retiring recently.  Wow! I had a real insight into why some older people become grumpy.

There were two things at play here for Gary. The first were his survival strategy beliefs. A survival strategy belief is a belief that helps us cope with a core belief.  For example, a child that’s criticized a lot might form the belief “I’m not good enough.”

That’s his core belief.

Later, he might get praised for getting A’s in school and form the belief “What makes me good enough is achieving.”

That’s his survival strategy belief.

This kind of belief gives the child a way to feel good about himself.  And once a belief like that is formed, the person is then driven to achieve the result spelled out by the belief in order to keep feeling good about himself.  

So as long as he was achieving, he felt important, but when Gary retired and was not achieving in as many tangible ways as he had before, his survival strategy stopped working.  As a result, he felt anxious and less than everyone around him. He didn’t feel like part of the group. He felt very much alone.

Why Survival Strategy Beliefs Can Stop “Working” As We Age

Survival strategy beliefs often stop working as we age because our circumstances change. You might retire and lose the validation you got from your job. You may not be as strong as you used to be and so can’t throw a ball as far or run as fast. Or you just may not have the energy to work until 8 pm at night like you had in the past.

For example, Steve, a client of mine believed that what made him good enough was being the best. He was the best tennis player in his league for a very long time. Younger kids were coming into the league and suddenly he was no longer the best. As a result, he started to feel like he wasn’t good enough.  

Something he hadn’t felt for many years.

So as your survival strategy beliefs stop working, core beliefs like “I’m not important”, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worthwhile” whose effect you may not have felt for a long time, come back to the surface.  And when your survival strategies stop working at any age, all the core beliefs that had been hidden for years begin to affect you.

When your survival strategies are away, the bad feelings will play.

So what can you do?

How To Age Gracefully – A Beautiful Example

A woman named Fanny was often at the pool in my parent’s retirement home and I noticed she had more joy about her than the other older women.  She laughed a lot and always had a joke for us.  She especially loved to make fun of the “condo rules” that everyone was so attached to and about which many of the other residents complained.

I asked Fanny how she could be so happy all the time.  

She told me that she had aches, pains, and unwanted experiences just like her older friends. The difference is that she was determined to not be miserable. Instead of complaining and thinking about her pains, she volunteered her time as a teacher’s aid.

She helped kids do their lessons and gave them hugs when they were upset.  She also read to the blind.  She found that showing compassion to others gave her joy. It’s difficult to be grumpy when you’re contributing.

The Lefkoe Way To Age Gracefully

Another way to age gracefully (as well as be more joyful in life at any age) is to get rid of core beliefs such as the following:

I’m powerless,

I’m not good enough,

I’m not important

I’m not worthwhile

And any believe that says you have to do something to be OK such as:

What makes me important are my achievements

What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly

In addition to being less angry and  having more joy in your life, getting rid of these beliefs helps you to foster healthier relationships with friends, family, and even condo members.  

You will no longer have anything to prove. You can just be yourself. Your inadequacy button won’t be there, so it can’t get pushed.  

Final Thoughts

Remember, you are a human being and not a human doing. Your value is intrinsic and does not have to be earned.  

Be of service.  

Be thoughtful.  

Be a contribution.

If you should meet “grumpy old men (or women),” and you probably will, you can have compassion for them … because now you know that they have beliefs causing their “grumpy” behavior.

And if you cannot follow this advice …
You can always get rid of the beliefs that are causing these problems … and lucky for you, you know just the person that can help :)

Belief Coaching With Shelly Lefkoe
Did you know that Shelly Lefkoe has helped thousands of people change their hard-to-change behaviors in one-on-one sessions?

She may be able to help you too.  To find out more visit our sessions page.

30 Comments

  1. Judy Russell April 8, 2019 at 4:44 am - Reply

    I am so grateful to find you thru Dr. Hyman’s Broken Brain Series 2. My brother and I have issues growing up with a broken father.
    I was very successful and received positive feedback everyday. Struck down with MS in my forties took it all away. I try to be grateful and when I could, volunteered. In a black hole now. I feel hope after listening to you on the podcast. Thank you for your wonderful info.and inspiration.
    Do u go on Tour? We live near Portland Or.

  2. Angelica November 2, 2016 at 2:36 am - Reply

    Hello Shelly, thank you for this article!!! We – my Husband ang I- live with my Husband’s grandmom and for several years we had problems and were very angry, we all had bad experience with our realitives, and we get used to think that we need to argue with our parents and grand parents. It was painfull. But when I read your post I understood how to help us all, now we care about Grandmom, we show her that she is so relevant and good, that we love her, and we understand her,
    This post changed our feeling to good, thank you very mush!!! We still read this post again and learn more about how to give love and understanding,
    Shelly, Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Attila Beres October 17, 2016 at 6:44 am - Reply

    Hi Shelly,

    I`ve really enjoyed reading your article.

    Tony Robbins says that depressed people (and grumpy ones too) are focused on themselves, on how they are not good enough, are not doing enough etc., and it`s all a “me, me, me” way of thinking. He adds that if you focus on contribution, you can`t focus on yourself anymore (on what YOU are not doing well enough) and these feelings then stop being created.

    I`ve discovered a law about limiting self-esteem beliefs. They were all embedded in the underlying context of us as young children being dependent on our parents in meeting our basic human needs. It`s a neurological context, an environmental, developmental, evolutionary and more. It`s a “receiver context”, one of being served, provided for. This context is a requirement for limiting self-esteem beliefs to be activated.

    Our limiting self-esteem beliefs will be triggered later in our adult life in situations when we make ourselves dependent on others on our survival and on meeting our needs for certainty, love, appreciation or even for having fun. For example during our interactions with our boss or our landlord when we are more dependent on them as providers because we don`t have alternative sources of income or finding shelter. This is true to relationships too. Limiting self-esteem beliefs are the most easily triggered during our interactions with our family members where we were conditioned to expect them to meet our needs because they `should` meet them as we are of the `same blood`. In such dependent contexts where we are being provided for, our limiting beliefs will naturally start firing on all cylinders because we activate the general underlying pattern in our brain that is the prerequisite for limiting self-esteem beliefs to be triggered.

    On the contrary, if we gradually rewire our brains and create an identity around contribution, which is the very opposite of the one we had in childhood in which we were provided for, our limiting self-esteem beliefs will have less and less of a chance to be activated in a direct proportion to how much we are constantly identified as being providers or contributors.

    The key is to change the general underlying pattern of the brain in which the limiting self-esteem beliefs were originally embedded so that the `soil` will be incompatible for those `bad seeds` that got planted in childhood. The new context in our mind can be that of curiosity, gratitude, mindfulness etc. and not just contribution. Contribution however is the one that is the most aligned with the human condition by improving our survival and reproduction chances the most. I`ve discovered that this is the reason why practicing mindfulness or adopting an attitude of gratitude will do the trick too by changing the general context to an incompatible one both internally and externally (in our mindset, habits, identity, as well as in the environment we create that matches our new identity).

    Attila
    http://www.attilaberes.com

    • Shelly Lefkoe October 17, 2016 at 6:17 pm - Reply

      Thank you for your thoughtful comments Attila.

      While I believe that your thoughts are very well said I think it’s a lot more simple than you think.

      Eliminating beliefs can also help tremendously and requires much less effort.

      Warmly, Shelly

  4. Cynthia October 16, 2016 at 7:03 pm - Reply

    Shelly,

    Living in a “55+” condo community, and serving on the Board for 18 months, I had formed the theory that many people do lose a sense of significance after they retire, which they turn into trying to “fix” things that aren’t broken–like a couple of women in the community who never see anything right, and constantly send the Board ideas for new rules we should impose on the homeowners.

    Never, though, did it dawn on me to think about the beliefs that are behind their behavior.

    I want to both feel and extend more grace in my life, and was finding it hard to do with these women. Your article showed me the way.

    And I had a good chuckle over the line “… getting rid of these beliefs helps you to foster healthier relationship with friends, family AND CONDO MEMBERS.” Indeed!

  5. ali October 16, 2016 at 5:34 am - Reply

    Dear shelly

    Many thanks for your lovely Post.

    I looked to my thoughts and i found i feel miserable when i found myself worthless. i need to do valuable things to find myself valuable. if i put it away. i will lost my reason to take action. do you have any comment about it ?

    Big thanks.

  6. ali October 16, 2016 at 5:27 am - Reply

    Thanks from a grumpy person ;)

    • Shelly October 16, 2016 at 9:12 am - Reply

      Hi Ali,

      Have you done our Natural Confidence Program? It will help you get rid of the beliefs that are having you be grumpy. It’s a very powerful program.

      Other than that, think about what you have to be grateful for. It always helps.

      Warmly, Shelly

  7. Osman October 15, 2016 at 7:36 am - Reply

    Great article! Thanks for writing and sharing it :) I am 30 and I feel old – it think its because i haven’t been able to achieve the things people my age normally have (money, stability etc)…. reading your article made me realize that my survival strategy beliefs may have been tied with this materialistic thing like money etc.

    Thanks once again for writing this article! You should write more often! :)

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:14 pm - Reply

      Thanks for taking the time to write and for reading my blog and for your kind words. Find something that you’re passionate about and that’s fun for you and find things to be grateful for and you’ll feel young again. Also, contributing to someone is also a great way to feel alive.

      Warmly, Shelly

  8. June October 14, 2016 at 4:00 pm - Reply

    Hi Shelley, I really enjoyed reading this . It was so insightful and also well written. I am only 36 but was staying feeling much less joy in my life than 10 years ago. And I asked myself what has changed and I realuse I’ve been contributing to others less which has made me less joyful. Thanks for the eye -opener. June xx

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:15 pm - Reply

      Hi June,

      I just wrote that to Osman. Interesting!!! Yes contributing is a sure way to feel alive again. Great insight.

      Warmly, Shelly

  9. Rhonda October 14, 2016 at 3:30 pm - Reply

    Great article! Clear advice!

  10. Lisa Nichols October 14, 2016 at 11:48 am - Reply

    Insightful post, Shelly. Thank you!

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:16 pm - Reply

      Thank you Lisa. Good to hear from you. Hope all is well with the family.

  11. Linda Arnold October 14, 2016 at 8:38 am - Reply

    Very timely — especially when so many of us are going through career transitions.

    I enjoy your blog writing, Shelly, and your courses. Keep shining your bright light!

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:17 pm - Reply

      Thanks for your kind words Linda.

      Warmly, Shelly

  12. Jane October 14, 2016 at 7:22 am - Reply

    Lovely article, thanks Shelley.
    It helps me to understand better how my Dad was in his last few years

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:17 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jane. This really meant a lot to me.

      Warmly, Shelly

  13. Will Zanders October 14, 2016 at 4:10 am - Reply

    Wonderful article. Very very very insightful! Thank you!

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:18 pm - Reply

      Thanks Will.

      Warmly, Shelly

  14. Johannes October 14, 2016 at 3:31 am - Reply

    You are in my legue.my life mission is about finding out what makes others more happier.The answer is only found in YOUr way of thinking.Truth shall set u free?find that out

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:18 pm - Reply

      Thank you Johannes. The truth shall set you free!

      Warmly, Shelly

  15. Mohammed Yousufuddin October 14, 2016 at 2:21 am - Reply

    Appreciate the encouraging facts about living a happy life of happiness and contribute to the society. Thanks a lot Shelly. You are amazing.

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:19 pm - Reply

      Thanks Mohammed. I am grateful for your comment.

      Warmly, Shelly

  16. misko October 14, 2016 at 2:02 am - Reply

    great writings :) made me feel better :) shelly you are great! thank you

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:19 pm - Reply

      Thanks Misko. I’m so glad that you feel better.

      Warmly, Shelly

  17. Reggie October 14, 2016 at 1:24 am - Reply

    Great article. You always contribute valuable insights.

    • Shelly October 15, 2016 at 11:20 pm - Reply

      I am touched by your words Reggie.

      Warmly, Shelly

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