Morty walked into the kitchen and said three words.
“There are no bananas?”
I screamed at him.
“Bananas! I had sessions all day, then the kids came home, I had to answer calls, make dinner, and you want bananas?”
He stood there quietly. No raised voice. No anger.
He was simply disappointed about the bananas.
But I didn’t hear disappointment about the bananas.
I heard: You’re a terrible wife.
Strange, isn’t it? If anyone else had said the same three words in the same tone, I would have laughed. Or not thought about it at all. But Morty said them, and I fell apart.
Have you ever noticed this? Someone you barely know says something mildly critical and you brush it off. The same comment from a spouse or a parent can sting for hours. Sometimes days.
Why does that happen?
The words aren’t the real problem
When Morty said “there are no bananas,” he wasn’t saying anything about me. He was commenting on the absence of bananas.
But I wasn’t JUST in the room with Morty and the bananas.
I was in the room with the meaning I gave his words. And the meaning I gave was: You’re a terrible wife.
That meaning wasn’t in what he said. I put it there. The reason I gave meaning to his words is that they came from someone whose opinion of me mattered deeply. Anyone else saying the same words wouldn’t have touched me at all.
The people we love become mirrors in a way others never do. When someone who knows us well says something even slightly critical, we hear it as evidence of something we feared might be true.
That’s why the same three words about bananas can ruin an afternoon.
What you can do in the moment
When Jan came to a session of The Occurring Course, she brought a story about a Christmas dinner.
She had made a special mac and cheese recipe that year, something she’d been excited about. Nearly her entire family loved it. Then her mother took one bite, said it was too rich, and threw the rest away.
Jan felt her heart drop.
I asked her: what did you tell yourself that meant?
She said: I suck.
That’s the meaning she gave to her mother’s comment. Seeing that clearly changed something. The words “it’s too rich” don’t contain “I suck” anywhere in them. She had added that meaning herself.
She realized her mother was someone who focused on what was wrong with food. The mac and cheese being too rich for her didn’t say anything about Jan.
Noticing the distinction between an event and the meaning our minds give to events is the essence of the Lefkoe Occurring Process. It works quickly once you know the steps. When something a loved one says stings, ask yourself: What did I just decide that meant? Then ask: Is that meaning actually in what they said, or did I put it there?
You’ll see that you put it there.
Then look for other interpretations.
Maybe they were tired, or stressed about something unrelated to you. Maybe they have a habit of being critical. Maybe their opinion says something about their perception but nothing about you.
When you genuinely find those alternatives, the meaning tends to dissolve. The feeling goes with it.
When the same meaning keeps coming back
The Occurring Process worked beautifully for Jan to change how she felt about that moment at Christmas.
But she told me something later. The meaning I suck wasn’t showing up just at Christmas. It showed up whenever her mother commented on her cooking, her home, her choices, her parenting. The same meaning, over and over, regardless of what was actually said.
That pattern pointed to something deeper.
Underneath the meaning was a belief Jan had been carrying since childhood: that her mother’s approval was the measure of her worth. That belief had formed long before that Christmas dinner, from dozens of small moments she had absorbed growing up. And every time her mother said something critical, the belief generated the same meaning again.
Once Jan understood that, we did a different kind of work. We eliminated the belief.
When the belief was gone, something changed at the source. Her mother still said critical things, but they no longer generated that particular meaning. The feeling stopped showing up, because the belief that had been producing it was no longer there.
The difference between the two
If a loved one’s criticism occasionally stings and you can dissolve the meaning with a few alternative interpretations, the Occurring Process is usually enough.
But if the same meaning shows up over and over, and a particular person’s criticism always activates the same feeling regardless of what they said, there’s likely a belief underneath. A broader belief about who you are as a person.
That belief can be eliminated.
I still laugh about the banana story.
Not because it’s funny that I screamed at Morty. But because I can see now how much pain was living underneath the surface, and how much lighter everything became once the work was done.
If any of this sounds familiar, I’d love for you to try the free belief-elimination program at recreateyourlife.com/free. It walks you through the process of eliminating some of the most common beliefs that cause this kind of pain.
And if you’d like to talk through what’s happening in your own relationships, I offer free strategy sessions. We look at your goals, what’s getting in the way, and whether working together would be a good fit. You’re welcome to apply at mortylefkoe.com/application.
The hurt you feel when someone you love says the wrong thing is a sign that there’s a belief still there, waiting to be eliminated.
