Every six months I join about one hundred of my friends in the Transformational Leadership Council for four days. We enjoy hanging out together; we learn from each other; we support each other. The days we spend together are among the most important days of my year.

At last week’s meeting I discovered a significant barrier in my life. Actually I sort of knew it was there, but last week I saw it in a way I had never seen it before. And now, 26 years after I created The Lefkoe Method that enabled me to eliminate literally hundreds of beliefs and conditionings, I realized there were a bunch more I needed to get rid of.

My breakthrough

Let me share my breakthrough with you as many of you might personally relate to it.

My wife, Shelly, frequently tells me that I don’t say much during conversations with other people. I think I am listening and learning (I figure I learn more when I listen than when I talk), but I realized she is right: I often don’t talk even when I have something worthwhile to contribute. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable even around people I know and have a close relationship with. I hesitate to talk about my work unless I am clearly asked and the person asking shows some real interest.

I’ve known all of this, but overall my life works and I’m very happy. Because no one of these issues seemed to be a “problem,” there was nothing I needed to “work on.”

Last week I was trying to find what was getting in the way of me successfully completing an exercise. In this type of situation the most frequent barrier is a fear of failure and a wanting to look good in front of others. Those feelings had been a significant barrier for most of my life, but they had finally gotten handled some years ago when I eliminated the beliefs that caused them.

The source of my barriers

While interacting with the facilitator of this exercise I started talking about my childhood with the hope that I might find a clue to what was stopping me. I shared that my parents divorced when I was 3 and I saw my dad very little for the next 7-8 years. Then we spent a little time together until I was 15, at which time he told me he was leaving the city we lived in because, he said, “your mother drove me out of town” because she asked for more child support. He said he wasn’t going to tell me where he was going to live and that if I wanted to reach him, I could give a letter (remember “letters”) to my aunt (his sister) who would forward it to him. I didn’t see him for 20 years after that and didn’t hear from him when I graduated high school and college.

As I related this story to the facilitator I got very upset and tears were streaming down my face. I realized that I’ve felt I was not wanted or truly accepted by others. I realized that I’ve felt unseen by most people. I realized that I’ve never had a mentor or a partner in business (other than Shelly). I realized that I’ve had a very difficult time being really open with men.

The next day I sat down and made a list of beliefs I had that could explain this entire pattern of behavior, the major source of which were interactions with my father.

My limiting beliefs and sense

I can’t count on people.

People don’t want to be around me.

People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about.

If people get angry with me they will hurt me.

The way to survive is to do it all myself, to be totally self-sufficient.

I also looked at my sense of myself regarding others and found the following: alone, lonely, heaviness in my chest, on the outside looking in, sad, don’t know how to relate to others, don’t know what to say to others, can’t count on others, an outsider, people don’t want to be around me, uncomfortable around men, afraid of being hurt by others.

Can you see how all my “symptoms” can be explained by my beliefs and my sense of self regarding people?

It took me 74 years to discover the connection between several different “problem” areas of my life, no one of which seemed to need my attention. But now that I see the bigger picture, I’m no longer willing to live disconnected from people. I realize now that I have a significant barrier to having truly satisfying relationships, especially with men.

So this week I will sit myself down and eliminate these five beliefs (and any others I might find as I work on these) and de-condition the sense. I expect to enjoy my relationships a lot more and stop being afraid of people, especially men. I expect to be a much happier human being.

What about you?

What do you think about my recent breakthrough? Is there a barrier in your life that you haven’t yet identified? Please comment below.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

 

By Published On: Tuesday, August 2, 2011Categories: Uncategorized54 Comments

54 Comments

  1. […] Originalartikel „What barriers do you need to overcome“ ist auf seinem […]

  2. […] Artikel ist von Morty Lefkoe. Der Originalartikel “What barriers do you need to overcome” ist auf seinem […]

  3. august February 13, 2013 at 6:17 pm - Reply

    hello mr.morty ive read about the barriers and ive beeen having problems like these for several years now i just get soo afraid i think i cant elliminate it either so can you plz help em put here . :) and hey sasuke you shouldnt talk to him lke that show respect to others plz .

    • Morty Lefkoe February 16, 2013 at 12:46 pm - Reply

      Hi August,

      Did you use the free belief-elimination program at http://recreateyourlife.com? Try it. It works for almost everyone.

      Love, Morty

  4. sasuke February 13, 2013 at 6:12 pm - Reply

    hey morty i ‘ve read about about what you said and i think your a retraded noob

  5. Yong Kang September 26, 2011 at 7:49 am - Reply

    Hi Morty,

    This morning, I’m wondering what other beliefs I have they are limiting me. I can describe the negative aspects such as social awkwardness, nervousness, social inept etc, but I just couldn’t figure out or describe what the limiting beliefs are until I read your post. I have the same exact beliefs as you! It’s true, like what you said at the start of your video, many people share the same negative beliefs.

    The two beliefs you mentioned: “I always felt that people don’t want to be around me” or “People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about”. These two beliefs I can relate the most. In school, my teacher paired us up according to our first name. The boy which I’m paired up with didn’t want to stand beside me when lining up. He would always move to the back and talk to others. We barely talked. We are also paired up to do science experiment during science lessons and one day he decided to swap places with someone else. The other guy felt reluctant to change though in the end he did, and become my science partner for the rest of the year. As a young teen, I’m not sure if I was being too sensitive, but what I get out of this is “People don’t want to be around me”… and eventually “People hates me” and “People find me boring”. This haunts and cripples me for most of my life. I become very passive. Other people usually approach me first. If people don’t talk to me, I will automatically think they dislike me, find me boring or don’t want to be around me. Eventually, my social skills remain stagnant into my adult life. If you don’t practice, you don’t improve. And when I don’t improve, I attribute my lack of social skill to you know what “people don’t want to be around me”. So it’s a vicious cycle!

    I do have quite bad experiences in school, others include:
    – I was in the class committee as class secretary, and I wasn’t call upon for the class committee meeting.
    – A classmate greets me and I greeted him back. It was too soft, he didn’t hear me and call me arrogant in my face.
    – When I refused to let my classmate copied my homework, he touched me in appropriately.
    – When I’m close to one of my guy friend, a classmate called us gays. And the friend distant me.
    – My form teacher called me a nerd even though I’m first in class.
    – When I was playing with my friends during recess, my classmates call us childish.
    – When I tell my dad I want to change school, he brush me away saying that the school is good instead of hearing me out.

    As I listing these down, it now seems almost laughable that I’ve been taking to heart these things for years now! There are just some nasty people I met in my school and I’ve been letting them affect my life for so so long.

    I’ve been trying to get rid of all these bad incidents for the longest time because every time I’m in a group, I feel alone. I feel people doesn’t want to talk to me and didn’t like me. I always reaffirmed with the incidents above.

    But after doing your program, Morty, I realize all the above incidents are meaningless. It’s the meaning and belief I have formed from this incidents which I should eliminate. The incidents are part of my life, everyone does get some bad days sometimes, but we shouldn’t just let these meaningless incidents dictates our thoughts and feelings.

    Thank you very much! =) I want to get rid of at least one limiting belief each day.

    • Morty Lefkoe October 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm - Reply

      Hi Yong Kang,

      Glad our work has been so useful.

      If you want to eliminate a belief a day, would you be interested in learning how to eliminate beliefs? We will be offering a new on-line course in the next few weeks.

      Let me know if you would like information about it when it becomes available.

      Love, Morty

  6. Lauren September 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm - Reply

    Pepi,
    I was socially awkward, also, hanging in the background and not feeling as if I “belonged”. Going through the Natural Confidence Course “raised me up” to where I am confident in myself and my ability to socialize with others; losing the fear and gaining the self-love.
    Love and Light on your Journey,
    Lauren

    • Pepi September 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm - Reply

      Lauren, I am glad to hear it.

      Did you also find that you have more need for people now ? I mean, do you enjoy socializing with a lot of people, or?

      I figured I can develop the social skills just as anyone else, it was produced by my beliefs that I couldnt (it is actually weird because I wasnt an outcast in school, I fit well, but I interpreted a few situations as “i cant be as social as others” so it sticked.).. i see I can.. I just wonder how much I will enjoy it once I finish the Natural Confidence Course. :) I am about half way through it

      I’d love chatting with someone who is doing Natural Confidence Courses too, so we can discuss our progress!
      If you want, just leave me an email so I can contact you!

      • Lauren September 2, 2011 at 1:35 pm - Reply

        I don’t have more NEED for people, just that if I choose to be around people, I neither feel too shy or inferior around them. I know Who-I-Am-Really and other’s drama isn’t an issue. I feel comfortable either joining in or just listening. The N.C. eliminates the beliefs and conditionings and though I may more limiting beliefs and conditionings to get rid of as far as socializing with others the fears are just gone. My basic personality I was born with is intact and in fact is stronger; I just don’t think, I do, because the fear-inducing beliefs are gone. Finish the program and you’ll feel like the veil has been lifted.
        Love and Light,
        Lauren

        • Pepi September 2, 2011 at 1:39 pm - Reply

          I am asking because even if you dont have the fear, if you’re not as much talkative etc. that can make some social problems to you, cant it ? So I wonder how that looks like after N.C.

          • Lauren September 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

            Pepi,
            If I were you, I would just go through the program without worrying what’s going to happen when you’re more social. The thing is that you aren’t feeling embarrassed or fearful or ashamed because you don’t talk like other people. You are confident and comfortable instead of feeling ill at ease because you aren’t a “talker.” I’m not a talker either, unless I’m around good friends or family. Do the program and if you’re still having problems, you can always go through Morty or Shelly or one of his facilitators to help you identify other limiting belief. Hope this helps.
            Love and Light,
            Lauren

  7. Pepi September 2, 2011 at 6:33 am - Reply

    Morty, amazing! I am glad you solved your issues… great!

    I am kind of mad that I found your work only a couple of days ago, I’ve been in various therapies since 2005! My 6 years were struggle! If only I found you sooner.
    I was in inner child therapy and it works similar to you – go back in imagination to childhood events, and recreate your perception. But in that therapy I should go there as an adult and say to the child “the truth” (that she is not defective etc) and if adult hurted her beat the adult until the child is satisfied. It helped me a lot, but only your method a few days ago gave me complete hope that I will not be socially awkward for the rest of my life, I thought that is inborn (introversion and how else do they call it).

    I really really love you Morty.
    (coming from a girl that has trouble expressing feelings haha :))

    LOVE!

  8. eitan August 27, 2011 at 1:25 am - Reply

    Hi Morty,

    Your childhood experience with your father is very strong . The beliefs that you list as related to them are very ‘basic’ ones – just under the surface of one’s ‘acquired’ personality.
    These kinds of ‘easy-to-find’ primal experiences (which create beliefs and behavioural patterns) are usually discovered and dealt with early on in a therapeutal process (see for example Osho’s processes).
    Your very late ‘discovery’ raises doubt in my mind as to the effectiveness and completeness of your methods.

    I would like to point out that in my experience a successful healing/growing process requires three steps: bringing awareness to your way of being (‘discovering the problems’); unlearning the old ways of being; learning new ways of being.

    The discovery part of your process did not lead you to the above. But at least the two other steps should have confronted you with these conditionings.
    From my personal experiences with your getting rid of beliefs method, this method leaves a lot to be desired in the area of the two last steps. And most probably, your other methods are lacking in this respect as well, as your own late experience shows.

    I hope that you find the humility and wisdom to look for ways to make your methods better, within you or by learning from others.

    Eitan
    Israel

    • Morty Lefkoe August 27, 2011 at 7:47 am - Reply

      Hi Eitan,

      Thanks for your suggestions.

      I found and eliminated the beleifs and sense conditionings that were causing my problem and don’t experience it any more.

      Love, Morty

  9. Mahama August 13, 2011 at 5:58 am - Reply

    In fact that is incredible, I loved it Thanks.

  10. Kimmy August 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm - Reply

    Dear Morty,

    The feeling I get from saying beliefs before and after the Morty Lefkoe Process are exactly the same. Or very much the same. However, my friends have even told me that they noticed many of my mental blocks are gone and have even called me confident.

    I am going through a rut right now and am having trouble figuring out if I did not go through the belief elimination process thoroughly enough or if I am experiencing negative feelings and behaviors from new problems that have come up in my life. Is there a certain way I need to think or feel while saying outloud the beliefs for my body to respond to it so I can tell if I actually have the belief? If not, then I will just very thoroughly go through all the beliefs again, and then do the conditionings two times in a row. I think it’s more thorough if I react emotionally when I recall the past memories trying to figure out where I developed the beliefs. And then when the recall the same memories, if I don’t react emotionally to them anymore, then that means the belief is gone. I haven’t reacted emotionally to most of the beliefs, so that’s why I’m unsure if I actually eliminated them. What do you think? I’m not in a rush, but I would like to make sure they’re totally gone–forever and ever so I won’t worry about them later in the future whenever I feel bad or stuck in a rut. That way, when I do get stuck in another rut, I’ll know that I have to eliminate more specific beliefs that I need to identify instead of trying to look back and see if I eliminated the old ones properly, you know what I’m saying? Any advice/thoughts/suggestions?

    • Morty Lefkoe August 15, 2011 at 9:40 am - Reply

      Hi Kimmy,

      I suggest you attend Shelly’s one hour webinar Wednesday, August 17, from 6-7 p.m. Pacific time where she will discuss you to use the on-line belief-elimination program and will answer questions from people having difficulty.

      Sign up at https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/336994202. I think the site is having some problems this morning but it should be OK soon.

      Love, Morty

  11. Terry Tillman August 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm - Reply

    Excellent Morty! Thank you for demonstrating the process of learning from awareness, and how honesty, risk and vulnerability are part of that.

    • Morty Lefkoe August 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm - Reply

      Hi Terry,

      Thanks for the acknowledgement.

      I had two sessions with Shelly and I eliminated a bunch of beliefs and a negative sense of myself around people. Then last night we had our Men of Marin meeting. I felt totally different. I felt comfortable. I didn’t feel on the outside. I wasn’t trying to figure out what to say. It was great!

      How was your course?

      Love, Morty

  12. farouk August 8, 2011 at 6:20 am - Reply

    limiting beliefs are the biggest barriers ever that stand in the face of personal growth, thanks for the great post Morty :)

  13. Nitin August 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm - Reply

    Hi Morty!
    You are just amazing. I love you so much coz you always come up with something new to share with us. You explore yourself and share your exploration with us. You evolve and we too along with you as we share your experience and insights.

    Thank You so much for everything you share with us.
    Nitin Divekar

  14. Stephen August 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm - Reply

    Dear Morty,

    Since I was there to witness your breakthrough, I would like to add that the quality of your presence during your experience was extraordinary. You were able to fully trust Wyatt (the facilitator). Your openness was beautifully innocent, as though you were in awe of the emotions that arose and the insights that accompanied them. I know all your work you’ve done over the years allowed you to take full advantage the moment. We were all inspired by your courage.

  15. Matthew August 4, 2011 at 4:17 am - Reply

    Morty, this is truly a breakthrough for people everywhere – but not for the obvious reason. Because you are a guru – you help others – and you publicly and humbly showed how you can still find flaws and make progress, this is fantastic. Thank you for being a real human being. All those in the area of self-improvement leadership should take a lesson from you. I’ll be watching your emails more closely now and valuing more what you have to offer because of this. thank you for being you.

  16. Brandon Jones August 3, 2011 at 9:28 pm - Reply

    Good stuff as usual Morty. I share(d) many of the same beliefs and “senses” myself. My Dad wasn’t around much as a kid and my Mom was always very busy even though she technically stayed home with us. As such, I’ve found myself struggle to maintain relationships throughout my life; particularly with men. Thanks for the insight into these new beliefs.

  17. KIRAN PATKI August 3, 2011 at 9:16 pm - Reply

    Dear Morty,
    Thanks very much for sharing your newly discovered beliefs.I have them all, and then some but from a different set of circumstances, abandonment etc. Just verbalising them is such a relief, putting into words feelings that I could not catch and bringing them into my awareness is like finding hidden pieces of myself which poked and poked.!
    I have also read others blogs with great interest and identify with being an achiever to ‘show’ people how much I am worth. But the constant feeling of being driven is really exhausting, striving and never arriving is a treadmill from which I cant get off .
    Please do keep sending us as many beliefs as you can think of.
    I am going to ask you to help me get rid of them
    Thanks and blessings
    Kiran

    • Morty Lefkoe August 4, 2011 at 10:21 am - Reply

      Hi Kiran,

      I’m glad sharing my story was useful.

      I’m sure Shelly can help you with these and any related beliefs.

      Love, Morty

  18. Justin | Mazzastick August 3, 2011 at 5:16 pm - Reply

    Hey Morty,
    My childhood experience wasn’t much different than yours either. I had the same challenges opening up and being myself with others as well.

    I guess that it would take several lifetimes to eliminate all of our limiting beliefs.

    • Morty Lefkoe August 3, 2011 at 6:27 pm - Reply

      No, Justin, you can do it in one lifetime. I’ve eliminated almost all the limiting ones and now that I’ve found a few more I’ll get rid of them.

      It can be done in less than one lifetime.

      Love, Morty

  19. Lauren August 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm - Reply

    Morty,
    Thanks so much for sharing! When I read one of your beliefs: People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about, I felt a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I feel disconnected from people in my community because I have little in common with them. My husband’s family has little use for “book-learning” and since I started reading, I wanted to read anything I could get my hands on. I even feel disconnected from my own family; I’m not really close to any of them except one of my sisters and even then I feel as if they either want to be the ones to tell me or don’t want to hear what I have to share.
    Since the Nat. Con. DVD and the Occurring Course, I’ve felt like there is something more beyond the confines of this place I live in. And even then, there is something(a belief, a conditioning) that holds me back. I am bursting with ideas and consider myself to be open-minded about many issues; I just feel like I want others to listen to and hear what I have to say and ask a question or two about it. Mostly what I hear is gossip about other people. I am more confident about my writing but I want to travel, meet new people, and help people to discover their own potential. Still, something holding me back. The occurring tools have helped tremendously, but the boredom is increasing everyday.
    Love and Light,
    Lauren

  20. Erdal August 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm - Reply

    Hi Ellis,

    You can check this out about feeling the need to choose a purpose: Video 1 of http://channelhigherself.com/videos/interviews-appearances/top-10-spiritual-questions-answered-with-victoria-vives/

    Perhaps what is bothering you is your mind trying to identify itself with a purpose but already aware that no purpose would truly satisfy it unless you allow yourself to feel peace/Love unconditionally. The bothering itself might be the problem, not not being able to find a worthy purpose.

    Love,
    Erdal

    • Ellis August 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm - Reply

      Thanks Erdal! Nailed it :)

      • Erdal August 4, 2011 at 1:20 am - Reply

        Wonderful :)

  21. Ellis August 3, 2011 at 10:50 am - Reply

    I am right there with you, Morty!

    I discovered the same issues you mentioned a few years ago but didnt have the tools to understand how to fix it. Although my parents didnt take the same steps yours did, my situation resulted in the same deep feelings of lack of love you experienced.

    My dad never spent any time with me and I mean never. We never had father and son talks, never participated with me in anything. Zip. Natta. I figured if I could do something to impress him, I’d surely get his attention, so my plan was to be “smart” – be an achiever. Well, that never worked, and I can see how I carried that mindset into my life, my work, my relationships, etc. I was always proving myself.

    That desperation to feel appreciated, validated, etc. was the driving force that moved me to be a “super achiever” – look everybody, what I can do! Please, come love me, pat me on the back. Obviously that is a dead end road because there was never enough I could do to keep myself satiated. It was really frustrating to accomplish some “miraculous” thing but no one was smart enough to appreciate it!

    If I had a sales rejection in my business, I took it personally. It never occurred to me the prospect didnt need my product, my pricing was not right for him, or I somehow didnt communicate the benefits well enough to convince him to buy. I felt “unloved”, confirmation of what I had experienced as a child. I needed the approval of the sale to validate my self worth.

    It would be years before I could put the pieces together and see the big picture and learn to love myself. I want other people in my life of course, but I don’t “need” them to feel whole, complete, and loved in terms of my self worth.

    I was easy prey for “desperate women” that were in the same boat. So here we are two emotionally needy people trying to have a relationship, neither one able to stand on their own – two clinging vines that always ended in a miserable mess. I could walk into a party and be drawn to that woman like a bug to a street light. The emotions were intense but the depth of the relationship was allows shallow.

    The biggest problem I have after years of working 0n myself and “waking up” is, now what? In the past I was driven by lack so to speak, as the driving energy to find the thing that makes me complete. Now that I’ve gotten that done, the drive has completely left. I have read, studied, and searched for everything I can find on the purpose of life. About all I can come up with, is I get to choose that purpose. Its up to me to decide what I want my life to be about.

    I have all sorts of talents and abilities, know how to easily make six figures a year, but have no ambitions to go after it. And thats where I am blocked right now. Whats the point? I’m looking for my “why” , the reason to rip the covers off the bed, leap out, and go after life . . . or what is blocking my life where I cant move forward. I have journaled, meditated, thought and thought about it.

    If you have any ideas or resources I would be most interested!

    Thanks for all your work! Enjoyed your book too.

    • Morty Lefkoe August 4, 2011 at 12:38 pm - Reply

      Hi Ellis,

      I’d suggest a book by a friend of mine, Janet Attwood, The Passion Test.

      If that works, fine. If not, you probably have some beliefs in the way and the only way to find out what they are is to have a session where we do some digging.

      Read the book and let me know where you want to go from there.

      Love, Morty

  22. Cassie August 3, 2011 at 9:48 am - Reply

    Amazing how when we really dig deep and look inward, we find the source of our troubles! I can definitely relate to keeping pretty quiet, especially in group settings. I hardly ever raise my hand to ask questions unless I absolutely need to, and I will just ask the person next to me. Even though I know I need to know people are paying attention to me, it can still be hard being in the spotlight. I found that taking acting classes helped me alot. In Los Angeles I studied acting for a bit and my improv classes especially got me over alot of those issues. I found that people want to hear something interesting come from others, even if there is one out of 20 who will criticize. The other 19 either felt the same and didn’t voice it or didnt even think of it and are glad you said it! It just takes practice to keep putting yourself in those uncomfortable situations until they become more comfortable.

  23. Alex August 3, 2011 at 9:33 am - Reply

    Wow. I can’t believe even Morty Lefkoe himself has these beliefs.

    Morty, I was moved by this post. I want to send you a hug, and I hope you feel better after eliminating these beliefs and sense. Thank you for sharing your work with people, it’s been of real value to me.

  24. Janelle August 3, 2011 at 8:50 am - Reply

    I have a somewhat similar set of beliefs, that I’m sharing b/c like you I’m hoping others will benefit from it.
    The source: tremendous social rejection as a child from classmates, and feeling distant from my primary parent. As a child, I was unable to glean what was required or expected in social interactions like everyone else was magically able to do, so I struggled in that area, being rejected thoroughly. By 2nd grade I was extremely withdrawn, very awkward, and filled with self-hatred. I felt like an alien, or sub-human. This was like sprinkling chum in the water: it just attracted the sharks and stoked their hunger.
    Now, I still see all potential social interactions that way: as if I’m facing a line of sharks. They smell blood, and one wrong move on my part will be seriously bad news. Out of every social interaction I expect that others will seek to cut me down harshly — everyone else, not just a few people here and there. People don’t want to talk to me and don’t want me around. And I will say or do the wrong thing and trigger that bloodthirsty response in others. Writing this down doesn’t upset me – it’s part of my life and reality. It makes sense to me. What doesn’t make sense to me, ever, is when people (even people with whom I’ve been very close to for a long time) say nice things to me. That they like me, love me, or want me around. This includes my kids — it always surprises me, and feels like a lie, when they say anything nice to me. I’ve managed to make a few connections with people, and figure out how to talk to people in occasional one-on-one situations. I chalk that up to basic human drives to connect with others and see it as kind of an accident.

    My goal now is to get rid of these negative beliefs. They’ve gotten in the way and prevented a connection one last time, and I’m so sick of it.

    • Addi August 3, 2011 at 10:46 am - Reply

      Hi Everyone – firstly thank you Morty for the great work you’re doing in helping people improve their lives by taking control themselves.
      If it’s ok, I’d like to respond to Janelle’s words.
      Janelle – if you don’t stop believing this very minute that there’s a line of sharks out there waiting for your blood, things are definitely not going to get better. You wrote – “It’s part of my life and my reality” and one can sense a heavy heart and emotional suffering. It is NOT your reality, it is only what you believe it be and your beliefs are creating the life that is making you miserable. As long as you believe it’s part of your life, it will remain so. As ,long as you believe it to be so, things will keep happening to you that confirm these beliefs of yours. This is the very essence of what Morty is talking about – Beliefs – they can be good ones and they can be so destructive they can make a life hardly worth living. So why are some people so happy even if they’re worse off? Why do some people find it so easy to make friends and new contacts? Janelle, listen to the way they speak, listen to the kind of vocabulary they use and you won’t hear the kind of words that are coming from you. They’re more likely to say something like ” Gee, I love meeting people” or ” I like having people around me” or ” I find it real easy meeting people and making new friends” – and guess what sweetheart – they do. That’s their reality because they create it with their positive thoughts. Your reality is created by negative self-destructive thoughts. Your self-confidence is very low not to mention your self-esteem and you need to start believing in yourself in a positive way. The very fact that you can’t accept or believe others when they say nice things about you confirms your total lack of self esteem. You brought your kids up and then you don’t believe them when they say soemthing positive!! – what does that tell you – not about your kids but about you? I doubt you would call your kids liars! What you are doing in essence is running yourself down as a worthy mother whereby once again as a person of value. You are giving youself no value whatsoever. If you don’t change that and understand that you are what you think, no self-help programme in the world will help you. Quite the opposite – you’ll try it out and end up saying ” see I knew it wouldn’t work for me” and your self esteem goes down another notch. Not many more notches to go girl, so come on, change your thinking NOW. You are the master of your thoughts. If you say you’re worthless, then that is what you’ll be because that is the message you send out to the world and what do people do when they get messages?? They read them, and think ” Oh, so that’s the way it is, ok then we’ll act accordingly” and the boomerang comes back. This is one boomerang you don’t want to come back. So, What to do? Start simply. Do you believe now you can change your life? Do you believe you can shut “Tiny me ” up and let “Big Me” out? YES, YES! Every day before you see, meet or talk to anyone , spend a few quiet minutes and tell yourself ” I am appreciated. I have so many good qualities. I am calm and poised. I enjoy meeting people and people enjoy meeting me. My life is full of love, harmony and joy. Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better and I give thanks for this”. Listen to the way the people you admire talk and copy them. Go to an aquarium that has a shark tank and stand in front of it. Look at them with shoulders back and head held high and hear your inner voice telling those sharks ” There is nothing to fear. It is all in my imagination. I am looking at you and I am calm and poised. I am more than able to successfully meet the challenges life brings me.” If someone makes a derogatory remark – are you going to take it on board and go home and cry deep down inside? No way- you don’t have to believe them? How come you’re so prepared to believe others rather than yourself? No,it stops right here and right now. Instead, feel sorry for that person. Sorry that their heart and spirit are so small they find it necessary to diminish someone else’s self value. Let your spirit grow and flow and become mighty as it should be.
      Love and blessings
      Addi.

    • Morty Lefkoe August 4, 2011 at 12:23 pm - Reply

      Hi Janelle,

      I’ve learned that many of the beliefs causing this problem are self-esteem type beliefs that are included in the Natural Confidence program. Then there are some specific beleifs, like the ones I named in my post, that are relevant to me. Some of the same ones might be relevant to you and/or you might have a few others that are uniquely yours.

      In any case, I can promise you that the feelings go away and the behavior changes when all the beliefs are gone. In fact, I have a session scheduled with Shelly for this afternoon to start eliminating some of the beliefs I identified.

      Don’t give up hope. The problem can be eliminated. But you can’t merely talk yourself out of it. You have to eliminate the source of the problem.

      Love,Morty

  25. AmandaDiane August 3, 2011 at 8:38 am - Reply

    Thanks for sharing your insights. I, too, keep quiet during conversations, then invariably I get caught up in the topic and blurt out something that just bubbles out and then the criticism, judgment and rejection kicks in and I vow to myself again and again, ‘keep your mouth shut’… I’ve had a tumultuous life; many upheavals; traumas; etc. I remember our Dad telling us (my sisters and I) if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will; you have to be self-sufficient and not get hurt by others; (his goal was to know that we would be ok when he could no longer help us) for awhile I tried allowing others to ‘help’ me as they had offered to, only to get kicked-in-the-back-side. I’ve had abusive bosses – while sitting working diligently, came up behind me and whacked the back of the chair with a clipboard and I nearly fell off the chair; once in a rage, the boss kicked the front of my desk so hard, it moved several inches, I was afraid to go to work for days.; I had a boss deny availability of further training on new software saying: I didn’t know she could even turn on a computer… etc.
    Enough of that. I know that I am a worthwhile, intelligent, caring, compassionate person. When these situations arise, I haven’t done anything wrong. The problem lies in the low-self-esteem of others and I have merely been a trigger for them. Keep on keeping on, Morty!!

  26. Jason Linder August 3, 2011 at 8:09 am - Reply

    I really enjoyed this article! I identify with your personal struggle and the corresponding beliefs.

  27. Mike August 3, 2011 at 8:01 am - Reply

    “I don’t say much during conversations with other people. I think I am listening and learning (I figure I learn more when I listen than when I talk), but I realized she is right: I often don’t talk even when I have something worthwhile to contribute. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable even around people I know and have a close relationship with. I hesitate to talk about my work unless I am clearly asked and the person asking shows some real interest.”

    I’m the exact same way, but it has been better since I recently finished going through the Natural Confidence program. I’m able to look people in the eyes, but still experience some of the same discomfort that Morty describes above. For me, the discomfort is primarily in the workplace. Most of the bosses I’ve had were very impatient and often angry (4 or 5). For example, I had a boss in highschool that yelled at me because he thought I wasn’t sweeping the floor the right way. When I was in my early 20’s, I had a boss yell at me and punch a hole in the wall. I remember how scary these experieces were, as well as a few other similar scary situations with bosses in the workplace. Therefore I’m generally uncomfortable around those in the workplace that are more senior than I, and I’m sure it’s limiting my potential.

    I really appreciate your post Morty, and I’m going to work on my own list of additional beliefs and use your process for eliminating them.

    Mike

  28. Steven August 3, 2011 at 7:50 am - Reply

    How do you find the believes that limit you. I did the self confidence course but still have issues. How do you go within and find the belief that holds you back. Also how do you know what to “decondition the sense” for the beliefs? Morty I think you are amazing. I have referred countless people to your site because of all that it has done for me. Keep on keeping on!

    • Morty Lefkoe August 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm - Reply

      Hi Steven,

      Until we create a course that teaches you how to find the relevant beliefs for any given problem, take a look at a blog post where I discussed this issue:https://www.mortylefkoe.com/find-beliefs-underlying/.

      Also check the table of contents on my blog and look for any that mention the Lefkoe Sense Process. I think one of them gives the steps of the process, although it might be tricky to use yourself, in which case you might want to have a session with us to handle it.

      Love,Morty

  29. Al August 3, 2011 at 5:33 am - Reply

    Hi Morty!

    Thank you so much for sharing this blog with everyone today regarding the breakthrough in several beliefs you still held. I for sure i every single one of the beliefs you mentioned and plan to setup an a session with the Lefkoe Institute to eliminate them. I have eliminated countless beliefs using the Lefkoe Method, but I am aware I still hold several. I find it very difficult to figure out what beliefs I still hold other than the common ones listed in your programs. It would be greatly appreciated if you would keep us posted on any other beliefs you discover, as sometimes just hearing other’s beliefs makes us realize that we hold the same ones.
    Thanks Morty!

  30. Jackie (UK) August 3, 2011 at 5:30 am - Reply

    Dear Morty,

    I was very moved by your post.

    I have just started working with your “ReCreate Your Life – ‘Natural Confidence'” programme with a view to feeling confident and secure in life and eradicating a general sense of discomfort with being around people. It seems to me that the beliefs you have posted above would also fit very well in the package – or maybe even a completely new ‘Relationships/Social Confidence’ package!

    In the course of examining my own dilemma, a few other underlying beliefs became apparent. I hope you will not mind my sharing them here with you:

    Its not safe to be around people.
    If I am around people I will get (emotionally) hurt.
    I am always second best in someone’s life (next to their real best friend for eg).
    People don’t like me.
    People always leave.
    I always have to do everything in life alone.
    I am alone in life.
    I am excluded.

    Imagine trying to build a happy life with those kind of beliefs?! Perhaps some of them are already covered by other root beliefs in the programme I am currently working my way through. In any case, thanks to you and to Shelly, I now have some tools to get going to eradicate them and create a more solid foundation for happiness and success.

    ps Getting rid of ‘I am powerless’ was fabulous!

    Best regards to you and good luck!

    Jackie (UK)

  31. Riley Harrison August 3, 2011 at 5:21 am - Reply

    Morty,
    Thanks for having the honesty and guts to share your issues with us and not fall into to the trap on having to always project perfection. It makes you seem more real and therefore more trustworthy.
    Riley

  32. joao August 3, 2011 at 4:45 am - Reply

    Dear Morty, I am happy to see you free of those barriers, soory my friend I am still stuck with mine.FearOF FAILURE-REJECTION-CRITICISM-JUDGEMENT, ARE MY BARRIERS AND I STILL ASK FOR HELP.thenk you and succes.

  33. joao August 3, 2011 at 4:44 am - Reply

    Dear Morty, I am happy to see you free of those barriers, soory my friend I am still stuck with mine.FERA OF FAILURE-REJECTION-CRITICISM-JUDGEMENT, ARE MY BARRIERS AND I STILL ASK FOR HELP.thenk you and succes.

  34. Alex August 3, 2011 at 4:03 am - Reply

    Dear Morty, I hardly ever do any “posting” on the internet, but I feel the urge to share my feelings with you this time because I felt deeply moved by your post – for several reasons:

    First of all I feel really happy for you to have such a breakthrough in terms of awareness and also that you have such trust that you will be able to remove or correct those beliefs.

    To hear people speak with a combination of insight and humility always moves and inspires me.

    When reading the beliefs you discovered in yourself, I very strongly related to them, especially the last three, and the more I read and reread them, the more I became aware of how deeply those beliefs are most likely also rooted in my own subconscious mind, and the tears quickly started streaming down my cheeks. I now feel a sense of relief and “discovery” and a very strong motivation to start examining and correcting those beliefs in myself.

    To see how negative (traumatic or recurring) early childhood experiences help to create our irrational and limiting beliefs/interpretations/perspectives, and to see how persistent those beliefs and perspectives are always amazes me and (often) saddens me.

    For you to have this breakthrough in awareness at the age of 74 (as I gather from your post!?) and for you to have such confidence in your ability to correct those beliefs, and through that to heal an obviously very important part of your mind and heart, fills me with great joy for you, but it also greatly inspires me and really helps to boost my faith in my/our own potential to continue to heal my/our mind and heart bit by bit.

    So thank you so much for sharing this breakthrough with us!

  35. Paolo August 3, 2011 at 3:11 am - Reply

    Tnak you for sharing this Morty,

    I’ve known of your work from Steve Pavlina.

    I can relate so much to what you are saying. I feel so isolated and not capable of being intimate even with my best friends, nonetheless to say, all males!

    I get along much better with women, even as friends.

    We are missing so much by cutting interactions… mentors, different points of view and reflections of ourselves in the eyes of other people.

    Paolo

  36. khizar August 3, 2011 at 2:59 am - Reply

    Congratulations Morty

    Get Rid of them ASAP !

    Many Blessings

  37. Costel August 3, 2011 at 2:08 am - Reply

    Congratulations Morty for your important breakthrough !

    It would have been quite surprising that such events from your childhood not to leave marks on your personality/beliefs. Appears to me that it was something so deeply hided and pushed down by your mental “immune” system in order to protect you from the great stress you experienced. That is what we all are doing at first, because of not knowing at that time how to deal with such powerfull negative emotions. It’s great when we are allowing ourselves to look at it, become aware of the process behind it and realize that emotions are not killing us :). They are just an instrument which informs us how close or how far away are we from our true self.

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