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Every six months I join about one hundred of my friends in the Transformational Leadership Council for four days. We enjoy hanging out together; we learn from each other; we support each other. The days we spend together are among the most important days of my year.
At last week’s meeting I discovered a significant barrier in my life. Actually I sort of knew it was there, but last week I saw it in a way I had never seen it before. And now, 26 years after I created The Lefkoe Method that enabled me to eliminate literally hundreds of beliefs and conditionings, I realized there were a bunch more I needed to get rid of.
Let me share my breakthrough with you as many of you might personally relate to it.
My wife, Shelly, frequently tells me that I don’t say much during conversations with other people. I think I am listening and learning (I figure I learn more when I listen than when I talk), but I realized she is right: I often don’t talk even when I have something worthwhile to contribute. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable even around people I know and have a close relationship with. I hesitate to talk about my work unless I am clearly asked and the person asking shows some real interest.
I’ve known all of this, but overall my life works and I’m very happy. Because no one of these issues seemed to be a “problem,” there was nothing I needed to “work on.”
Last week I was trying to find what was getting in the way of me successfully completing an exercise. In this type of situation the most frequent barrier is a fear of failure and a wanting to look good in front of others. Those feelings had been a significant barrier for most of my life, but they had finally gotten handled some years ago when I eliminated the beliefs that caused them.
The source of my barriers
While interacting with the facilitator of this exercise I started talking about my childhood with the hope that I might find a clue to what was stopping me. I shared that my parents divorced when I was 3 and I saw my dad very little for the next 7-8 years. Then we spent a little time together until I was 15, at which time he told me he was leaving the city we lived in because, he said, “your mother drove me out of town” because she asked for more child support. He said he wasn’t going to tell me where he was going to live and that if I wanted to reach him, I could give a letter (remember “letters”) to my aunt (his sister) who would forward it to him. I didn’t see him for 20 years after that and didn’t hear from him when I graduated high school and college.
As I related this story to the facilitator I got very upset and tears were streaming down my face. I realized that I’ve felt I was not wanted or truly accepted by others. I realized that I’ve felt unseen by most people. I realized that I’ve never had a mentor or a partner in business (other than Shelly). I realized that I’ve had a very difficult time being really open with men.
The next day I sat down and made a list of beliefs I had that could explain this entire pattern of behavior, the major source of which were interactions with my father.
My limiting beliefs and sense
I can’t count on people.
People don’t want to be around me.
People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about.
If people get angry with me they will hurt me.
The way to survive is to do it all myself, to be totally self-sufficient.
I also looked at my sense of myself regarding others and found the following: alone, lonely, heaviness in my chest, on the outside looking in, sad, don’t know how to relate to others, don’t know what to say to others, can’t count on others, an outsider, people don’t want to be around me, uncomfortable around men, afraid of being hurt by others.
Can you see how all my “symptoms” can be explained by my beliefs and my sense of self regarding people?
It took me 74 years to discover the connection between several different “problem” areas of my life, no one of which seemed to need my attention. But now that I see the bigger picture, I’m no longer willing to live disconnected from people. I realize now that I have a significant barrier to having truly satisfying relationships, especially with men.
So this week I will sit myself down and eliminate these five beliefs (and any others I might find as I work on these) and de-condition the sense. I expect to enjoy my relationships a lot more and stop being afraid of people, especially men. I expect to be a much happier human being.
What about you?
What do you think about my recent breakthrough? Is there a barrier in your life that you haven’t yet identified? Please comment below.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.
For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
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copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe