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Today’s blog post is a “how to.” Something happened to me recently that would have upset most people. It didn’t upset me. And I am going to show you how to keep similar “upsetting” situations from upsetting you in the future.
The beginning of the story
My wife Shelly and I were on our way to the bi-annual meeting of the Transformational Leadership Council in St. Maarten last week. The flight involved a change to planes in San Juan and we had only 30 minutes from the time we landed there until the connecting flight left.
As we were waiting for the first flight to board an announcement came over the loudspeaker saying that our flight was going to be delayed. A retainer clip in the galley was broken and they were waiting for a new one to be delivered.
Given that we only had 30 minutes between flights, even a 10-15 minute delay could result in us missing our connecting flight. I knew Shelly had been looking forward to the opening ceremonies so I thought she might be concerned. So I said to her: “Nothing has happened yet. We haven’t missed the connection. We don’t know anything for sure about whether or not we will make our connection.” Shelly nodded her understanding and any concern she had evaporated immediately.
Although I wasn’t at all upset or even concerned, I realized there was a possibility we could miss our connection. I talked to the gate agent about getting another flight to St. Maarten if we missed our connecting flight. She said that our airline had no other flights out later that day. So I got on my phone and started looking for other airlines that could get us to where we wanted to go in case we left so late that we missed our connection.
Meaning and emotion is not required to take action
What I want to emphasize is that I didn’t need to assume we would miss our flight and get upset in order for me to act. In fact, not being upset enabled me to think more clearly about alternatives and take immediate action.
About 15 minutes later as I was calling other airlines we heard another announcement saying our plane would be delayed at least 30 minutes and we would get another update shortly. I reminded Shelly that we still didn’t know for sure what would happen in the future. The fact we were going to be at least 30 minutes late did not necessarily mean we were going to miss our connection.
When I told Shelly that we were going to take off at least 30 minutes late and that I hadn’t been able to find another airline to get to the meeting that evening, Shelly smiled at me and said: “That doesn’t have any inherent meaning either.” Nothing that we had been told meant for sure that we would miss the start of the meaning.
We were finally ready to leave
A few minutes later another announcement came over the loudspeaker: The replacement part had arrived and had been installed. As we walked on the plane the gate agent told me that we would be leaving about an hour late, but the flight time had been reduced by 30 minutes, so we would be arriving just about the time the connecting flight was scheduled to take off.
The gate agent also said she had contacted the airline’s control center in New York about holding the connecting flight because there were eight people on our flight who held reservations for our flight to St. Maarten. But we wouldn’t find out if the control center had approved our connecting flight’s delay until the plane had already taken off. Can you get that this news also had no meaning?
After everyone was on board and just before we took off, the agent announced that the control center said that they would hold the connecting flight if it didn’t have to wait more than 10 minutes. If we were later than that, the plane would leave without us. Even this latest news had no meaning. I still didn’t know for sure whether or not we would miss the connecting flight.
Information can never be upsetting
Notice that nothing we had been told from the start of the incident to that moment allowed us to know anything for sure about our ability to make the connecting flight. The information we received wasn’t upsetting; the only thing that could be upsetting would be giving that information the meaning that we would miss our connection and the start of the meeting. As long as we realized that the events had no meaning, there could be no upset.
We landed and got off the plane three minutes before the connecting flight was supposed to take off. It took the eight of us over 10 minutes to walk to the departing plane’s gate. The plane was waiting. We boarded and had an uneventful flight to St. Maarten.
How would you have handled this situation?
Would you have gotten upset upon hearing the first announcement? Or when you heard the second? Or while you were sitting on the plane wondering if the connecting flight would still be there when you arrived?
You have the power to stop your suffering
Can you get that events, no matter what they are, have no inherent meaning and therefore can’t cause emotions? Only the meaning we give events can cause emotions. By making a clear distinction between events and the meaning you give them, you can always be clear that the event itself is meaningless. And when you are able to do that, you are able to prevent yourself from experiencing anxiety, upset, and suffering.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am able to do that pretty much automatically now and Shelly is finding it easier every day. Sometimes all she needs is a quick reminder and she is able to make that distinction.
Suffering is not necessary. Really. The next time you find yourself upset about anything ask yourself what is upsetting you. You will attribute your upset to something that is a combination of an event and a meaning, but which seems to you only like an event. The meaning will seem to be inherent in the event. All you need to do is recognize that you have not made a clear distinction between the event and the meaning, and then make that distinbction. Once the meaning has been made separate in your mind from the event, the feeling that had been caused by the meaning just dissolves.
Try it. Practice it. Make it a part of your life. Don’t listen to the people who tell you that suffering is a necessary part of the human condition. It isn’t.
Thanks for reading my blog. Please share below your thoughts and questions on how to stop giving meaning and stop your suffering. Your comments will add value for thousands of readers. I read them all and respond to as many as I can.
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Copyright © 2013 Morty Lefkoe
Use this information to improve your life
This week’s exercise is contained in the blog post itself. Try dissolving the meaning that is causing your upset. It really works.
sorry : My wife is Françoise !
Great !!
We have translated this post in French, with your permission
Nous avons traduit det article en français avec l’autorisation de l’auteur.
http://secret-beaute-interieure.com/les-comportements-positifs/limpact-des-evenements/#more-2382
Thanks
Jacques and rançoise
Thanks! Just wish I’d read this BEFORE “almost” missing two connecting flights back and forth to London over Christmas. The thought of the possibility of “missing” Christmas with the family was very upsetting- and although in the end it all worked out there was much stress for nothing (Including additional stress with my family travelling with me, cause I was so flipped out)… Now I know how to handle it better next time! Thanks for the perspective!
Great post Morty!
I really needed to hear this tonight. I think that the idea that events have no meaning is finally starting to really sink in. If I can keep this idea in the forefront of my mind, I know much of my suffering would be eliminated. I think I’m going to make a screen saver stating that “Events Have No Meaning. Suffering is Not Necessary.” Thanks Morty! God Bless you.
You are a genius, Morty. No one can help me snap out of it quite like you can. Not once, but several times. You are onto a good thing. Like Shelly, it’s slowly becoming second nature to me to separate events and the meaning I attribute to it. I have started “second guessing” all the negative meanings I give to events. And that takes the sting out of anything that happens around me
It is amazing all the meanings we can attach to things without even realizing. It is a challenge to realize this and let it go.
My ideal is to let go of the meanings that don’t serve me and create meanings that empower me to go towards my goals.
-Ben
Ben,
Since I’ve done the Natural Confidence program and the Occurring Course, I’ve learned that one doesn’t need to create any meanings to achieve anything. You only need to be interested. If you need to create meanings to feel empowered, you have beliefs that are holding you back. When I eliminated beliefs or dissolve an occurring, that’s when I feel empowered. Empowerment has to do with unburdening your creation so you can “know” your consciousness.
Love and Light on your Journey,
Lauren
Morty,
I’ve been having certain thoughts. I’ve been using a subliminal to install new beliefs and I notice the results and think :
I don’t believe it ! ( Subliminal)
Girls interested in me ? I don’t think they are. If they are it will quickly fade anyways.
I don think that would work on me
I don’t think TLM would work for me.
After having these thoughts I end up feeling ashamed. Like there is a big post sign on my head saying ” Look at this weirdo !”
I thought : Whar could someone believe that has these thoughts ?
– I’ll never get the things I truly desire
– Good things will never come to me
Have any idea what I could believe ?
Ray,
Two of your beliefs are “I’ll never get the things I truly desire” and “Good things will never come to me”. The Lefkoe Processes are based on dissolving beliefs rather than installing new ones. Have you tried the free belief eliminator? The trouble with installing new beliefs is that you’re trying to convince and persuade yourself that those “old beliefs” no longer have any influence in your day to day life. Beliefs are fairly entrenched; eliminating them “sets you free”. Your thoughts are a combination of beliefs, occurrings, and conditionings. The Lefkoe Processes help you dissolve the meaning you are putting to what is going on in your life. Please, please try it!
Love and Light on your Journey,
Lauren
Thanks Liane, TG, Earl, Morty for conversation…
so let’s get more from life ? :-)
@Liane, speaking of moral you can find different moral standard in different cultures and different time. So IMHO moral is also product of meaning we gave
but I think it is out of our discussion :-). Thanks, anyway.
Cool blog. I did a number of Lefkoe sessions a couple years ago and have kept up with the blog. This one is interesting because I have noticed over time getting less upset about certain things … and also wondering why others get upset sometimes because “it’s just information”! That said, the other day I found myself reading into something my husband said and getting into a real tizzy as my thoughts led me down the garden path all the way on my drive home. As I pulled into the driveway I suddenly found myself standing outside my thoughts and said to myself – hey I am predicting something based on an intention he had that maybe he actually didn’t have. So if I go inside as if there was no meaning, what will happen? So I did that, and it turned out the reality was quite different than the one my mind had cooked up, and nothing had been intended that could possibly upset me. Bingo, I don’t have to give meaning to things and just wait to see what happens – and even plot out a nicer course of thoughts while I am waiting. Upset avoided.
Consider yourself as this bowl and each marble in that bowl as an experience in your life. Yes, there are many marbles and they are all separate experiences. I assert that you are not your experiences and your experiences are not you. We often collapse this distinction, but we are separate from our experiences. What is important to understand is that we attach meaning to these experiences. By giving them meaning, we form new or reinforce existing beliefs, concepts, judgments, and conclusions. Then we attach emotions to these beliefs and this further blurs the truth. This is why we have problems separating the facts from what we made up about the facts. But what if you were able to move around the bowl? You would then have a different view of the same experiences.
So I ask, “Can you see the same experiences and form a different belief, concept, judgment, and conclusion?” Or better yet, can you form NO BELIEF and only accept it for itself: an experience, a what’s so.
You may say, “So what”. Ram Das once said, “The truth is what’s so, and so what”. His statement also says, the things we attach to the truth are only our interpretations of the truth. Now picture the value in seeing the what’s so (code word for truth) of your experiences.
I particularly enjoyed this post. Thanks Morty. Love Jason
brilliant, Morty. You really have the inside track on state and believe change.I really value these posts and look forward 2 more of them on a daily basis. Thanks.
Great post! I will apply this principle in my daily life.
It’s all about outcomes!
I’m reading about nlp, and they say something very similar. The trick, is to see an event as an outcome, and nothing more. no judgement. not, ‘what if this happens, or that happens’ just an outcome.
oh, make sure you have a backup plan, but don’t worry about it. That, itself, is an outcome.
The only negative about this type of mentality, (and it’s more to do with learning to adopt it, rather than anything else) is that to go from adding meanings, to just seeing outcomes, or attaching no meanings is easier said than done, especially if you have been wired hard to attach meanings automatically.
Of course, practice makes perfect. Thanks for the reminder
Thanks Morty. This blog arrived ‘on schedule’. Earlier this evening my wife and I had an argument and to make this short I’ll won’t get into the details. My wife she said something that initially shocked me so I left for my office. While there I was trying to think of why I was getting upset about what she said…. The meaning I attributed to what she said was killing me inside… to the point that the thought of leaving her and the kids entered my mind. Then I tried to separate the meaning I was giving to the event. The upset feeling dissolved… I’m staying right here… not going anywhere! I checked my emails and found this blog post. What an apt moment! I’m so grateful for the knowledge you share with the world.
one more thing,
how about don’t feel upset because we hurt somebody else (or maybe in extreme case) kill someone because it has no meaning
Hi Ah Yu,
What I mean by no meaning is that you can’t draw any conclusions from an event. You can’t make any predictions.
I didn’t say it was good to hurt someone, but what do you know for sure if you do? Does it necessarily mean something about you? About life?
Thanks for joining the conversation.
Love, Morty
Dear Morty,
If “bad/sad” events have no meaning then “good/happy” events too.
Don’t feel excited if we have payment raise because it has no meaning
Don’t feel lucky if we have $ 1,000,000 becuase it has no meaning
Don’t feel blessed when our first child born
and so on
So everything that happened in our life has no meaning.
What a great flat life..
If we are neutral, there is no sad, no happy so what is difference between us and machine?
Hi Ah Yu,
Things don’t have to have meaning for you to experience joy – like for the birth of your first child. You can enjoy any moment greatly by just experiencing it – and being IN the moment.
But also, emotions don’t have to control you. If your salary is raised, you might feel excited / happy because you create the meaning that you can now afford X – or that you are successful – or whatever other meaning (anything is possible here). But if you realize that you are in control of the meanings you create – then infinite possibility becomes available to you at any time – not just after that raise / other event.
So then, life becomes about designing exactly what you want, with no limitations. That creates happiness and joy.
So, not creating meaning doesn’t sound like a flat, meaningless life to me. It sounds like a very exciting, fulfilling life.
Funny – but I suppose creating meaning is NOT a requisite to have a meaningful life.
As for your following comment, regarding hurting or killing someone else, not creating meaning does not mean that you lose your sense of right and wrong or your morals!
Thanks for your additional insights Liane. This dialogue has given more insight in general, and it’s appreciated. Love, Eva
The Lefkoe Method was also devised to specifically handle negative beliefs under the assumption that we have no problem with the positive events in our lives. Marty even says events only have the meaning we assign to them. Thus, if you assign happiness to an event, that IS the meaning for you.
Oops, Morty, not Marty. :)
Ah Yu, That isn’t what he is saying at all. I don’t think you are clear on the point of this method. Some people carry thought habits that do not serve them. This technique helps people to change specific thought habits.
For example if a person feels shy around new people there is a process which occurs in the mind that creates shyness. You make stories in you mind and that creates shyness. If you change those stories, or remover the energy from those stories you will, over time completely and permanently remove shyness.
This is also true for anger, low self esteem and other unwanted or limiting thought habits. Jot and love and passion and excitement are not limiting or unwanted thought habits. If we have thought habits that limit us in life, limit our potential, this is what the technique is for.
Hi,
I do not think that the method is supposed to stop us from feeling stuff like sadness or joy at all. It is just that we often feel sadness or joy not about the event itself, but about the meaning we give it, which is often not even correct. Therefore you should definitely feel joy about the birth of a child, but not because you give it a meaning, like so many people do, for instance: finally I am a complete woman now that I have a child, or: this child is an everlasting guarantee that my husband loves me. In the same way you can also feel sadness when something goes wrong at childbirth or you can not have children yourself, but not because of a meaning like: I have failed, or there is no point to my marriage anymore. Not giving it meanings like that will allow you to experience your feelings to the full, but without blurring them with (possibly incorrect) meanings. You will also be able to have more complete feelings about an event. You will see the opportunities in something you would otherwise just have labeled a “bad” event and you will not be dazzled and blinded by something you would otherwise have labeled as a “good” event. Nothing is ever that simple and giving your own direction to every event is the beauty of it. :)
Grtz,
BIS
Very rightly said. Great. That awareness of the feeling before mixing it up with the interpretaions of the mind is of great importance. What do you have to say?
Morty, what’s your advice on letting go of a failed relationship. Been trying to get him our of my mind. Thanks.
So if my wife and i have seperated, the event is we are seperated the meaning is it didn’t work out but it still hurts like heck.
You’re high. Take another toke– Find your balance—stop making “high” excuses—wake up tomorrow swearing “never again”.
I like this story marty because I would definitely have got really upset years ago. I remember working in a garage as a teenager and my boss getting really mad because things didnt go they way he wanted with a car repair. I remember that if I didnt show that it also bothered me, he would presume I wasnt bothered, and that made him worse! It was easier to “fake” being upset at the time, so that he calmed down and I got an easier life. How ridiculous is that?
What you are describing reminds me of a fairly old movie called Planes Trains and Automobiles. Steve Martin’s character is trying to get home for Christmas and everything seems to be going against him. Then he meets John Candy up with John Candy’s character and it gets worse in the classic style of a Laurel and Hardy comedy.
If you’ve watched the movie you will discover that often, in fact mostly, the reason Martin’s character’s problems go from small to overwhelming is because of his lack of emotional clarity.
One example is the car he rented was missing. He then goes to the rental agency and rather than saying something like
“I know this isn’t your fault and I do feel a little frustrated and I really could use your help. I appreciate the fact that you know this company and you know how to handle this so please help me in any way you can”
Rather than saying something like that, being positive, connecting with the lady at the rental agency as though she is an ally, he walked up to her steaming mad and he lost his cool.
She responded by telling him he was on his own. He made his situation worse. Yes, I know it was a comedy and what he did was funny for a movie and yet it is still a wonderful example of how imagining the worse and awefulizing and catastrophizing only brings in more catastrophe. Which is funny in a movie but not so much in daily life.
I may have been a bit anxious, but I wouldn’t have been upset. I would’ve just told myself that everything happens for a reason, and would’ve been able to deal with it better.
Good post! I’ve found that ever since the occurring course, events like the one you described above don’t upset me like they used to – and if they do, I catch myself and realize that there’s no inherent meaning in what’s going on. I’ve even been able to help those around me dissolve some of their stress when I point out to them that they’re trying to predict the future and getting upset over something that hasn’t happened.
Just like you’ve explained, when you don’t create (or when you dissolve) meanings, it’s much easier to be creative and come up with solutions that lead you to where you actually want to go – rather than feeling stuck in the moment.
In your case, it didn’t make a difference because you weren’t able to find a different flight – but in some cases it opens up new opportunities you wouldn’t think of if you were upset.