Morty Lefkoe » Lefkoe Belief Process

You are not your feelings

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:22:53 +0000

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How many times have you heard yourself say: I’m upset, or I’m angry, or I’m happy? If you are typical, many times a day. But stop for a moment and consider what you are actually saying. You are saying “I am …. (some specific emotion).” Whether you mean to or not, you are defining yourself as being your emotions.

Actually, when you are in the grip of a strong emotion, it really feels all encompassing, as if there is no part of “you” that isn’t that emotion. In fact, sometimes a negative emotion so feels like who we are that we resist letting go of it even when we dislike having the feeling. In other words, often we seem to want to hold on to feelings because it seems as if giving up the feeling is like giving up part of ourselves.

Take a moment and remember a time when you felt angry at someone and you knew on some level that the person really hadn’t done anything so terrible and that you ought to let go of the anger. Take a moment and really make the incident real. … Do you remember that some part of you didn’t want to let go of the anger, as if you’d be losing some part of yourself if the emotion were to stop?

It also can be difficult to let go of an emotion when it feels as if the emotion is validating the meaning we’ve given an event. It can feel to us as if letting go of the emotion will invalidate that meaning and letting go of the meaning will invalidate the feeling (which is who we feel we are). An example of this would be someone who doesn’t do something for us that he promised to do. We might give that event the meaning that I can’t count on people and I have to do everything myself, which likely would lead us to feel angry. It feels to us as if it really is true that we can’t count on people. So the anger justifies the meaning we gave the event (which has no inherent meaning). At the same time the meaning justifies the feeling, so we might resist letting go of the meaning we made up.

But is that actually true? Are we our emotions?

If we really are our emotions, then when an emotion disappeared, we should disappear … but we don’t. Let me explain this outrageous statement: If we say we are anything specific, and that thing disappears, then logically we would have to disappear. But we don’t disappear when our emotions disappear.

Not only do emotions fade away automatically after a period of time, it also is possible to stop emotions on the spot by getting rid of the two things that cause them: stimuli that have been conditioned and our occurrings, in other words, the meaning we give events moment-to-moment.

As I’ve explained in several posts, we unconsciously and automatically give meaning to meaningless events all day long. Because events that have no inherent meaning can’t cause us to have feelings, the feelings we have must come from the meaning we give the events. And by dissolving the meaning—in other words, how events occur for us—we can dissolve all the negative feelings that arise from the meaning.

So if the emotions we have usually dissipate on their own after a while and if our emotions are primarily the result of meaning we give events and we can dissolve most emotions merely by dissolving the meaning that gave rise to them, can you get that it is more accurate to say we “have” emotions, but are not our emotions?

The two best ways to get rid of negative emotions are to dissolve the conditionings and the occurrings that cause the feelings. But if you don’t know how to do that, however, it still is possible to lessen the impact emotions have on you. How? By noticing when you feel swept up by a strong negative emotion that “you” are observing your feeling. And the “you” that is doing the observing is not the same “you” that is having the emotion. That realization will enable you to make a clear distinction between “being” your emotion and “having” an emotion. And that will enable you to get some perspective on the emotion and extricate yourself from it to a large extent.

Try my suggestion and let me know what happens in a comment.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly

Does “reality” really exist?

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:33:52 +0000

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If you asked someone, “Do things exist?” the response would probably be, “Of course things exist! The world is full of things. Everyone knows that there is physical stuff out there—that reality is tangible and real!”

But what allows any thing—a hand, a chair, or any other object—to exist? One way to discover the answer is to imagine a specific thing—say, your hand—expanding and expanding until there is nothing in the universe except the hand. What would happen to it? … Really, just take a moment and try this. You’ll be amazed at your experience … You wouldn’t see the hand anymore, would you? Why? … It would disappear because there would be nothing in the universe that was not the hand. This is a very basic concept about reality: In order for any thing to exist, there must also be not that thing.

Consider this for a moment. Can you see that any physical object is bounded by “not that object”? If an object did not have any borders—that is, if it wasn’t surrounded by “not that object”—it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, it wouldn’t exist.

The same principle applies to nonmaterial concepts. Love and hate, peace and war, strong and weak, beautiful and ugly—these only exist and have unique attributes because they have been distinguished from each other. For example, the state of war is distinguished from peace by the presence of armed conflict. When there is no armed conflict there is peace. But if peace existed throughout the world all the time, and if the alternative (war) was unimaginable, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish peace. Peace, as a condition distinct from war, couldn’t exist.

A Universe Without Distinctions

Now imagine everything in the universe without any distinctions. It’s all just an undifferentiated whole. Can you see that there is nothing? That’s because in order for anything to exist, it must be distinguished from everything else. If no distinction is made between a specific thing and everything else, there is only an undifferentiated everything—which is another way of saying nothing.

Everything, without any distinctions, is the same as nothing. Take a moment and think about that. Until consciousness has made a distinction, nothing can possibly exist.

Therefore, the world really isn’t the way you perceive it. In fact, it isn’t any way until you perceive it that way—that is, until you distinguish it that way. You don’t even sense what’s “out there” because there’s nothing out there to be sensed. (Nothing, as we’ve seen, however, is the potential for everything before anyTHING is distinguished.) In making distinctions, we use our sensory apparatus (the five senses) as well as our perceptual framework (language, culture, and individual beliefs).

An excellent example of this point comes from a Time magazine cover story on human consciousness.

“A baby born with cataracts—an unusual but not unheard-of condition—and left untreated for as little as six months becomes permanently and irrevocably blind. If a sixty-year-old develops cataracts, an operation can restore full sight. The distinctions most of us make unconsciously and at a glance—foreground vs. background, moving vs. stationary, vertical vs. horizontal, and dozens more—are concepts that the brain has learned. It literally has to wire itself, with neurons growing out to touch and communicate with one another in an ever more sophisticated network of connections. And if those connections are not repeatedly stimulated in the first few months of life, when the brain is still in its formative period, they atrophy and die.” (Emphasis added.)

In other words, moving and stationary or vertical and horizontal are not things “out there.” Rather they are “concepts that the brain has learned” (or distinguished) as a result of having a specific sensory apparatus (and brain), without which they couldn’t be distinguished. That means they literally wouldn’t exist.

In other words, if everyone was born with cataracts (which would be normal if everyone had that condition), our reality would not possess moving and stationary, vertical and horizontal, etc.—despite the fact that we are convinced that these are inherent attributes of reality.

Is There AnyTHING Out There?

Here’s another thought exercise that will help make it clear that what we think is “out there” is largely a function of our perceptual apparatus. Imagine that beings from another galaxy arrived on earth. Imagine further that instead of human eyes they had a different “viewing sense, namely, the equivalent of an electron microscope.” When they viewed our world they might not see the solid objects we see; instead they might see atoms: electrons spinning around protons and neutrons. They might notice that almost all of what they were viewing (the atom) was empty space. So if these creatures were the inhabitants of earth, they might not even have a concept of solid matter.

Imagine further that instead of human ears, these visitors from space had a sense that picked up radio waves but did not hear “sounds” made in their presence.

And finally imagine that they had a sensory mechanism like dolphins, who “see” the echo of sound vibrations they send out.

These aliens would experience and describe a totally different universe than the physical universe we would swear exists all around us.

Our role in creating our reality can be seen in another area. Apart from our perceptual apparatus, our most important tool in making distinctions and creating our reality is language.
As Edward Sapir, a noted anthropologist, has said: “We see and hear and otherwise experience very largely as we do because the language habits of our community predispose certain choices of interpretation.

Language Determines How We Perceive Reality

Language is far more than a tool for communication. With language we categorize, distinguish, and create the universe. Ultimately, we perceive the world consistently with our language. For example, when we think in English, we perceive a world made up primarily of objects: people, trees, and houses. These objects do things or have things done to them using verbs. We literally see everything in the world in this fashion. We don’t perceive “things out there” because there really are things out there. That just happens to be our worldview, because in our language there is a subject, which acts upon an object, which exists independently of the subject. In the English language, independent entities (subjects and objects) are primary, rather than processes or relationships. That’s not true in every language.

As Ralph Strauch points out in his book The Reality Illusion: “Some languages are structured around quite different basic word- categories and relationships. They project very different pictures of the basic nature of reality as a result. The language of the Nootka Indians in the Pacific Northwest, for example, has only one principle word-category; it denotes happenings or events. A verbal form like ‘eventing’ might better describe this word-category, except that such a form doesn’t sound right in English, with its emphasis on noun forms. We might think of Nootka as composed entirely of verbs, except that they take no subjects or objects as English verbs do. The Nootka, then, perceive the world as a stream of transient events, rather than as the collection of more or less permanent objects which we see. Even something which we see clearly as a physical object, like a house, the Nootka perceive of as a long-lived temporal event. The literal English translation of the Nootka concept might be something like ‘housing occurs;’ or ‘it houses.’”

We swear things exist because we distinguish them though our particular perceptual apparatus and through our language. Change those and you dramatically change the world that you think is “out there.” There might not even be any more “things.”

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You are both consciousness AND a “creation”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 23:50:01 +0000

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Based on surveys of my blog readers, most of you are primarily interested in changing your “creation”—in other words, you want to improve your daily life by eliminating behavioral and emotional barriers. For example, you want to stop your anxiety and be able to take actions that you are unable to take now.

Some of you, however, seem to be more interested in growing spiritually—in other words, creating an altered state of consciousness in which you experience yourself as the creator of your life.

In fact, both are crucial to a life of happiness and fulfillment. And, I’m proud to say,The Lefkoe Method enables you to work on both at the same time.

You can’t ignore either state

Unfortunately, some people focus solely on spiritual growth, to the exclusion of improving their flesh and blood “creation.” Such people can be said to be “hiding out in spirituality, in their spiritual practice.

Here’s an example of what I mean. I was talking to a new client the other day who told me that she had been meditating and working hard on her “spiritual practice” for over 10 years, and couldn’t understand why she had seen virtually no change in her concern about what others thought about her, her fear of making mistakes, her procrastination, and the negative self-talk that filled her mind almost all the time. What was she doing wrong, she asked me.

I replied that she had neglected a crucial aspect of who she is. You see, many people have experienced a non-dual state of consciousness through meditation and think that all that is “real” is a formless, eternal, consciousness. For them, physical reality and the people named Morty, Joe, etc. are not “real.” As a result, they try to ignore, to the extent possible, “reality.”

Physical reality is “real”

There are several problems with this point of view.

First, how can you expect an improvement in your “creation,” the person who acts and feels, if you ignore it and pretend it doesn’t “really” exist?

Second, it may well be true that consciousness is the source of physical reality, in other words, that physical reality is a manifestation of consciousness. But that fact does not mean that physical reality is not real.

There is an old metaphor that explains this point clearly for me. It is as if consciousness is an ocean. The ocean creates (manifests) individual, specific waves. So there really are specific waves in different locations that are different from other waves, even though each of them comes from and will shortly return to the entire ocean.

Who you ultimately are

So who you ultimately are is formless, non-dual consciousness and, at the present moment, you also have manifested as a specific creation. Moreover, and this is crucial to remember, that creation has specific beliefs and conditionings. They, in turn, determine your behavior and feelings and—by being the primary source of your occurrings—your beliefs also determine your moment-to-moment responses to events.

I remember reading a book by Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist teacher at Spirit Rock near my home in California, who spent many years meditating and following a spiritual path in Thailand and other Far East countries. He wrote how in meditative states he totally transcended his body and dissolved in white light. He spent hundreds of hours in a state in which there was no distinction between the observer and what was observed. And yet, he reported, when he came back to America to teach he had all the same relationships problems he had had before his years of meditation.

This is not to minimize the importance of a spiritual practice. Recognizing that you are the creator of your life—as people experience in the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process that is part of the Lefkoe Belief Process—provides an invaluable context to living as a creation.

Recognize you are both consciousness and a creation

So what should you do to live your best life possible? Recognize you are both the creator of your life (consciousness) and a creation (the person reading this post). And because you are both, work on both. Continue to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that determine your behavior and feelings, and also learn to stop giving meaning to daily events, which will give you the ability to create your experience of life, moment by moment.

And find some spiritual practice, be it meditation, putting yourself in the “creator state” (an altered state of consciousness you can enter by using the WAIR? Process), or whatever else you choose. In that altered state you are able to get a valuable perspective on your life as a creation that cannot be obtained merely by working on the creation.

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Why you should be concerned about your beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:21:41 +0000

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If you have read any of the writings of the top self-help experts during the past 10 years—such as Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, or Joe Vitale—you’ve learned that permanent change is impossible without eliminating the beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

I agree; beliefs do have that power. But why? What gives our beliefs the power they have to determine our behavior and feelings?

There are two reasons why beliefs have the power they have—one is obvious, the other more subtle.

Our beliefs about reality ARE our reality

First, a belief is a statement about people, reality, or ourselves that feels like the truth to us. Although you might think that you would consciously agree with what you believe, in fact, it is possible to consciously disagree with something you believe.

For example, you can know intellectually that mistakes are good learning experiences and still believe that mistakes are bad. If you have that belief, you would be afraid of trying new things or allowing others to know about your mistakes, even if you consciously think that mistakes are not bad at all.

Because most of us usually act consistently with reality, we act consistently with what we think reality is, not with what reality actually is. In other words, if we believe I’m not good enough, People can’t be trusted, or Life is difficult (none of which are true)—then we will deal with reality as if these statements are the truth. As a result, they will determine what we do and how we feel.

To use one simple example, if you believe I’m not loveable, Relationships don’t work, and Men/women can’t be trusted—if that is your reality—you have virtually no chance of having a nurturing, loving long-term relationship. Get rid of those and other related beliefs and you’ve changed your reality. At which point the possibility of a nurturing, loving long-term relationships becomes possible.

Because we view reality through the filter of our beliefs, which color our perceptions, long-term fundamental change requires eliminating the beliefs that limit us. Yes, it sometimes is possible to use will power to act against our beliefs in the short run, but ultimately we will act consistently with the way we view reality.

Beliefs are the primary source of our “occurrings”

There is a second way in which beliefs determine our lives: by influencing our moment-to-moment reactions.

For about 25 years I thought that beliefs affected our behavior and feelings directly, as explained above. To some extent I still think that is true. But a couple of years ago I realized that our moment-to-moment actions and feelings are determined primarily by the meaning we unconsciously and automatically give reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us—not by what actually happens in reality.

For example, imagine a friend of yours walks in a room that you are in, notices you, and doesn’t talk to you. Most people would think: My friend is angry with me. This would be so real that most people would say to someone with them: Don’t you see that my friend is angry with me?

But all that actually happened is the friend noticed you and didn’t talk to you. That event could occur to you as: He is angry with me. And because you deal with reality based on how it occurs to you—which you are convinced is what actually happened—you would respond to your friend as if he really is angry with you. Even though his anger exists only in your mind, not in reality.

We are constantly giving meaning to events. We do it 20-40 times a day. And we are hardly ever aware of it. So our “occurrings” run our lives. And what is the relationship between our occurrings and our beliefs? Our beliefs are the primary determinant of how reality occurs to us.

The meaning we give events, which have no inherent meaning, is determined largely by our beliefs, although our moods and physical condition also play a role.

Thus our beliefs determine our lives in two ways: directly, because they are what we think reality actually is and, indirectly, by significantly influencing our occurrings, which have the biggest impact on our moment-to-moment reactions.

The bad news and the good news

As a result, the bad news is: long-term fundamental behavioral and emotional change is virtually impossible without eliminating the limiting beliefs that are running your life. The good news is: You can make massive positive changes in your life—such as taking actions you were afraid to take and ridding yourself of such negative feelings as anxiety and anger—by eliminating your limiting beliefs.

It might well be that getting rid of a bunch of limiting beliefs is the best way to reduce the negative and increase the positive in your life in 2012.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

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Can you permanently eliminate a belief in minutes?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 23:29:03 +0000

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About 30% of the people who used the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate a belief told us in a survey that they thought the belief had not been eliminated. We were surprised at that statistic because well over 90% of the people we work with directly eliminate a belief. Why were so many not successful when they used the online process?

After spending a lot of time researching the issue we finally discovered that over 90% of the people who used the on-line process actually did eliminate a belief. The problem was that a large number of people who did eliminate a belief still thought that the LBP hadn’t worked. They had a hard time believing they had done what they just did.

This skepticism has produced a big marketing problem for the Lefkoe Institute since its inception 27 years ago. An awful lot of people just don’t believe it is possible to do what we promise to do.

What makes The Lefkoe Method unique

Our unique distinction is that we can help people quickly and permanently eliminate all the relevant beliefs and conditionings that cause virtually any behavioral or emotional problem in their lives. But most people have the belief: Change is difficult, takes a long time, and requires a lot of reinforcement. So telling people what we offer usually results in people expressing skepticism about our claim. Even when people actually eliminate a belief, they sometimes have a hard time acknowledging that it really has been eliminated.

Four ways to know that a belief really is gone

I’d like to suggest four questions you can ask to determine if any belief-elimination process you are using really works.

1. Does the belief you want to get rid of go away and stay away? You can know a belief is eliminated right after an exercise because the words of the belief no longer feel true; the words feel as if they have no meaning. That’s not the same as having an insight that has you conclude the belief must be gone because it no longer makes sense to hold the belief or because the belief doesn’t feel as true as it did before. In this type of situation it can seem as if the belief is really gone, but it really isn’t.

Another way to check is to say the words of the belief several days later. Do they feel true, uncomfortable? Do they resonate with you? Or do the words still feel meaningless? With no energy or discomfort? If you still feel as if the belief is gone several days later, it probably is.

2. Did you get rid of some undesirable behavior or feeling after eliminating all the relevant beliefs? Ultimately you don’t care about eliminating beliefs. Eliminating beliefs is a means to an end. The true test to know that beliefs are gone is if the problem that the beliefs caused is gone. Because most problems usually are caused by a number of beliefs, you have to eliminate at least 8-10 beliefs to know that any given problem is gone, which then is proof that the beliefs must also be gone. For example, procrastination is caused by 16 beliefs. A good test that the 16 beliefs have been eliminated is to see if your procrastination disappears and doesn’t come back. (Actually it is caused by 13 beliefs and three conditionings, but conditioning is not really relevant in this discussion.)

On the other hand, you cannot determine if any given belief is gone by checking to see if your problem is gone. Hardly ever will getting rid of just one or two beliefs eliminate a problem. Because there isn’t always any noticeable change in your behavior or emotions as a result of eliminating one or two beliefs, the absence of change is not proof that you still have the belief.

3. Did you get a guarantee that the beliefs will not come back AND the problem that the beliefs cause will not come back either.

We have helped over 13,000 clients in private sessions and about 100,000 in on-line and DVD programs eliminate beliefs and problems. We offer a year-long guarantee that the problem will not return and have a refund rate of less than 10%. To see just a few of the reviews of our on-line products, go to http://blog.recreateyourlife.com. To see some video reviews, go to http://bit.ly/3Z10LN.

4. Is there independent research that proves that the beliefs and the problems are truly eliminated and don’t return?

The most objective way to prove that beliefs and the problems they cause are really gone is an independent study with a control group. This is the “gold standard” for proof of the effectiveness of a belief-elimination process.

The University of Arizona conducted a study using The Lefkoe Method that was published in a peer-reviewed journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.

Preliminary Report on Results from
“Speaking Without Fear” Study

Prepared by Victoria Cunningham, Ph.D. & Lee Sechrest, Ph.D.
Department of Psychology, University of Arizona

May 20, 2004

“A recent study was conducted to examine the ability of Morty Lefkoe’s ‘The Lefkoe Method’ to reduce or even eliminate fear of speaking in public in a group of forty volunteers recruited from Toastmasters Clubs and other random sources and who reported fairly severe symptoms related to public speaking. Subjects were randomly assigned to an experimental or a control group… All treatment sessions were conducted by telephone, and, on average, only three one-hour sessions were required to achieve treatment goals.

“The results support our hypothesis that self-reported fear of speaking in public would be virtually eliminated. Before the experiment, both groups rated their last public speaking experience as an average of about 7 on a 10-point scale on which 1 meant ‘not at all fearful,’ and 10 indicated ‘extremely fearful’. Subjects in the experimental group experienced a reduction of about 5 points to an average score of 1.5, whereas the control group remained unchanged. In addition, after receiving the same treatment, scores for the control group were also reduced by about 5 points to yield an average of 1.5. It is important to note that all subjects rated their post-treatment scores in relation to an actual public speaking experience.

“We also asked subjects about other common physical sensations and cognitive difficulties often associated with speaking in public, e.g., increased heart rate, sweating, dry mouth, quivering voice, stuttering and difficulty staying focused. The results were quite consistent with those from the rating scale: prominent symptoms were reduced for everyone who received the treatment, and the difference between the experimental and control groups was large and statistically significant. Responses to additional questions to gauge individuals’ self-confidence as a speaker also provide evidence that ‘The Lefkoe Method’ was effective in virtually eliminating the fear of public speaking.” (Emphasis added.)

For a copy of the entire study from Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, go to http://www.undoityourself.com/research.html.

A follow up was conducted with the subjects six months later. The average level of fear was still below 2.

The LBP has been proven effective in permanently eliminating beliefs with tens of thousands of people. It probably will work with you. If you had any doubts whether or not your belief really was gone when you tried it the first time, please try it again at http://recreateyourlife.com and keep in mind the four tests to determine if a belief really has been eliminated.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How we intend to increase our impact in the world

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:47:54 +0000

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For almost 27 years we have been helping people eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that limit them and keep them from living the lives they desire. We are excited that we have facilitated over 13,000 in one-on-one sessions and almost 100,000 via our on-line programs. That’s a lot of people!

From time to time our clients turned out to be CEOs of business firms. When they discovered how effective The Lefkoe Method was in quickly and permanently eliminating problems, several of them asked if we could help their managers and executives become more productive and more effective. In every case where we worked with such people, we helped them to become more successful employees and happier in their personal lives.

Until today, however, we had never contacted organizations directly to tell them how we could help them have happier and more effective managers and executives (thereby becoming more profitable) by sending their managers and executives to work with us.

We know that when we help an individual, he or she benefits along with all the people that those individuals interact with. But when we help a manager or executive in an organization have better interpersonal skills, delegate more effectively, be more creative, communicate better, reduce stress, etc.—our work with such people is impacting hundreds or even tens of thousands of people.

Lefkoe Institute has created a new service

With this in mind we have created a service specifically designed to help managers and executives overcome both undesirable business behavior and personal issues that affect them at work. A detailed description of what we are offering can be found at http://lefkoe.com.

Why am I sending this information to you?

Because you—like the tens of thousands of others who receive this blog—probably have eliminated at least one belief and know how powerfully people are impacted when they eliminate beliefs. And if you know that, I want to ask a favor of you.

I have a favor to ask of you

I would appreciate it if you would share your personal experience (not necessarily specific details, but the general result) of using The Lefkoe Method with the appropriate people at your own organization, including your HR department. Then suggest that they visit our new site that describes exactly how we can help managers and executives become more effective. http://lefkoe.com.

If you know managers and executives or people in the HR department at other organizations, please send them the link also.

I promise to keep you informed about the impact the Lefkoe Institute is having on businesses, non-profit organizations, and government agencies. I expect that helping individuals from these places will enable them to make a profound difference with everyone they interact with, including co-workers and customers.

In any case, please take a look our new website that describes how we intend to increase our impact on the world, even if you have no one to send it to. I think you’ll find it interesting. http://lefkoe.com.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. We appreciate any suggestions on how we can make an even bigger difference in the world. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

It Can’t Be Done

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:42:22 +0000

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“It can’t be done” is never the truth

What people really are saying when they utter these words is: “I don’t how how to do it.” Or, “it can’t be done the way we’ve always tried in the past.” Or, “it can’t be done according to the only way I can think of doing it.”

Here’s why “it can’t be done” is never an accurate statement, no matter what you are referring to

It is impossible to know anything, for certain, about the future. Given what we know we might be able to make reasonable predictions about the future, but we never know everything that might be relevant. Moreover, even if we did, things change all the time, making things that might have been very difficult yesterday relatively easy today

Many things that were considered impossible years ago have since happened. In fact, most “things” that exist today would have been considered impossible to someone living a couple of hundred years ago: airplanes, automobiles, television, space travel, heart transplants, and even indoor plumbing.

Actually we don’t have to go back that far. The personal computer, the Internet, video Skype calls to and from anyplace in the world (free), and cell phones would have been considered impossible even 50 years ago.

Any yet we are certain we are telling the truth when we say to others (and to ourselves): “It can’t be done.”

Steve Jobs Regularly Did The Impossible

Doing more of what we did yesterday isn’t very difficult. Even doing things a little differently or a little better isn’t very difficult. A lot of people do more, different or better every day. But doing something that has never been done before, that most people think is impossible isn’t that easy. It takes guts. It requires us to ignore the naysayers and not fear failure. Unfortunately most of us are all too willing to accept “it can’t be done” both from others and from ourselves.

Steve Jobs didn’t accept it. Ever. He transformed several industries (including mobile phones, the record business, and the personal computer) because he never accepted “It can’t be done” as an answer. And he heard that answer a lot because he was always asking people to do things that had never been done before. He insisted that it (whatever “it” was) could be done and, more often than not, the people who had told him that it couldn’t be done did it.

There are literally hundreds of examples of this from his career. One involves “gorilla glass,” the special glass used to manufacture the iPhone screen. As Walter Isaacson tells the story in his riveting biography of Steve Jobs: “Jobs decided it would feel much more elegant and substantive if the screens were glass. So he set about finding a glass that would be strong and resistant to scratches.”

Isaacson relates how a friend of Jobs told him about a glass that Corning had invented many years before that was exactly what he was looking for, but the company had never manufactured it. So Jobs went to visit the CEO of Corning, Wendell Weeks.

After Weeks told Jobs about the “gorilla glass” his firm had developed, Jobs said that he wanted as much as Corning could make within six months. Weeks responded: “We don’t have the capacity. None of our plants make the glass now.”

Issacson writes that Weeks “tried to explain that a false sense of confidence would not overcome engineering challenges, but that was a premise that Jobs had repeatedly shown he didn’t accept. He stared at Weeks unblinkingly.”

“Don’t be afraid,” Jobs replied. ”Get your mind around it. You can do it.”

“As Weeks retold this story, he shook his head in astonishment. ‘We did it in under six months,’ he said. ‘We produced a glass that had never been made.’”

The Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities

Some years ago after doing a lot of work in organizations I concluded that the most damaging belief in organizations was “I (or we) can’t ….” So I created a simple revision of the Lefkoe Belief Process that organizations could use to help employees quickly and easily eliminate “I can’t …” beliefs. Here is a link to a post I wrote that provides the actual steps of the LBP—Possibilities. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-the-belief.

Creating Breakthroughs Can Be Fun

Many of us agree that we need breakthroughs in most of the important areas of life. In other words, what we are doing now doesn’t really work in government, in our educational system, in providing affordable health care for everyone, etc.

But breakthroughs, by definition, are something new, something that didn’t exist before. You won’t create a breakthrough if you only do things you know how to do. Unfortunately, for far too many people, anything that hasn’t existed before is considered impossible.

Breakthroughs always come for me when I try to do something I’ve never done before and that I don’t know how to do. I love to make promises that I don’t have any idea how I will keep, and then figure out how to keep them.

I did that with the first non-facilitated product we created. A friend of mine, Denis Hann, said to me that I would never really make a broad impact in the world if we only helped people eliminate beliefs in one-to-one sessions with people I had trained. No matter how many facilitators we trained, we’d never reach millions of people.

I agreed, but I had no idea how to create a product that would help people eliminate beliefs without a live facilitator. Denis said he would provide funds for a new company to create such a product if I could create it. It took over six months, but with the assistance of my wife Shelly and Denis’s friend and associate, Leszek Burzynski, I created a DVD product that helps people totally eliminates their fear of public speaking without a live facilitator

I also remember reading in a book about a fascinating distinction between reality and how reality occurs for us. I realized that most people never make that distinction between what actually happens in the world and the meaning we automatically and unconsciously give reality.

Shortly afterward I said to my staff: I’m going to create a course that will teach people how to make this distinction all the time and then easily and totally dissolve the “occurring” (the meaning we give reality). When they asked me if I knew how to do this, I replied, no, but I expected it would be a lot of fun figuring it out. (I did figure it out and the first course was a total success. We’re now in the middle of the seventh Lefkoe Occurring Course and the results improve every time we offer it.)

Good News and Bad News

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that it is never true that “it can’t be done.” The only questions are how and when. The bad news also is that it is never true that “it can’t be done.” It’s bad news because people have just lost one of their best excuses for avoiding action.

If you really want to make a difference in the world and have fun doing it, commit to achieving some goals that seem impossible—that you don’t know how to accomplish—and then figure out how to achieve them. If you do that you’ll change the world and have a lot of fun doing i.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read them all and answer as many as I can.

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Is it “real” or only our meaning?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 22:47:51 +0000

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We are in the process of creating a new online program specifically for people who experience a lot of stress. As part of my research I attended a lecture on stress in San Francisco last week delivered by Dr. Sian Bieland, a University of Chicago professor.

Dr. Bieland explained to the U of C alumni audience how “stressful situations” make us “choke.” She described how stress affects us and then offered us a few tips on how to alleviate or overcome stress when we experience it in business or in sports.

As I listened I had the thought: Most psychologists and personal growth gurus assume that problems (such as stressful situations) really exist “out there,” “in the world,” and then offer solutions to deal with them. I have a real problem with that approach because I don’t think that many of the so-called problems exist independent of us. (See my post, “How To Change ‘Human Nature’,” which deals with a similar topic, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/change-human-nature/#)

In other words, if there were such a thing as a stressful situation, then it would be very useful to learn how to deal with it effectively. But I contend there is no such thing as a stressful situation. Situations, as such, have no inherent meaning. And meaningless events can’t make us feel stress or anything else.

The stress we experience is the result of the meaning we give to events, not the events themselves. Change the meaning and the stress disappears.

Here are a few examples of how we attribute meaning

Assume your business fails and you have to declare bankruptcy. Most people would agree that that is a stressful situation. If you give the bankruptcy the meaning that you failed, that it means something bad about you, that you will never be able to earn enough money to support yourself and your family, etc.—then that meaning will cause considerable stress. On the other hand, if you have read the life stories of successful people (in business and other fields of endeavor) and know that most of them attribute their success today to the lessons they learned through “failure” earlier in life, your bankruptcy would occur to you as a valuable learning lesson. And if you assigned the event this meaning, you would not experience stress. Many years ago my wife Shelly and I experienced bankruptcy and foreclosure on our home. Shelly experienced tremendous fear and stress, because she gave the events the meaning I described above. I experienced no stress whatsoever, because the events occurred to me as learning opportunities.

Here’s another example: In a recent Lefkoe Occurring Course one of the participants told us how he had helped some friends whose house had burned down, destroying virtually all their possessions. The friends were devastated. But after the people whose house burned down talked for a while to their friend (who was learning how to stop giving meaning to events in our course) they realized that they had always wanted to live out of the United States, they had an idea for a new business they had always wanted to start, etc. By the time the conversation was over the couple was excited about all the possibilities they had identified and were no longer upset about the destruction of their home.

One more story: Another student in an Occurring Course wrote about how she dealt with her daughter being taken to the hospital in a lot of pain. The doctors initially had no idea what was wrong with her, so they had to give her a lot of tests. The mother kept thinking to herself, “My daughter’s pain doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean she is going to die, or even that she is very sick.” When the doctors came in after many hours to tell her that her daughter would be fine, she realized that not giving her daughter’s condition any meaning enabled her to stay present with her daughter and help calm her down, rather than be hysterical as she would have been had she given negative meaning as she would have in the past.

For people who have never experienced that events have no inherent meaning, stories like these can be difficult to believe, and yet that is how life occurs to me every day and to many others who have learned how to stop giving meaning to events.

Back to my original point: Wouldn’t it be better to learn how to dissolve (or not even experience) stress than to learn how to cope with it while being overwhelmed by it?

Meaning we make up is the source of most relationship difficulties

Stress is not the only type of emotion that is the result of meaning. Almost all upsets and arguments are the result of the meaning we give the other person’s behavior.

There are many psychotherapists and relationship experts who offer excellent advice on how to minimize arguments and deal more effectively with them when they occur. But if upsets and arguments are the result of the meaning you give the behavior of others, and you can dissolve that meaning, then upsets and arguments are no longer inevitable. I’ve eliminated about 95% of them from my life since I learned to stop giving meaning to what my wife Shelly and my two daughters do and say.

Here’s a description of how someone in my last Occurring Course changed the meaning he gave some events and totally shifted his reaction to loved ones.

“On Sunday evening, I tried to call my daughter, but I got her voice mail. I tried to call my girlfriend, and I got her voice mail. I tried to call my son and I got his voice mail. It occurred to me that everyone else was somewhere having fun and I was not and that they were so busy having a good time that they didn’t have time to talk to me. I quickly noticed that it was not the truth, just my interpretation. It caused me to smile to myself as I noticed how I had made it mean that they didn’t want to talk to me. [As soon as I made that distinction] the bad feeling was gone. “

What a difference a little bit of meaning makes!

My tip of the week

Before you look for a solution to a problem that seems to exist “out there,” check and see if it really exists independently of you or whether the meaning you have given events in the world created the problem to begin with. If so, then dissolve the meaning that is causing the problem by realizing that there is a crucial difference between what actually happens in reality and the meaning you give those events that exists only in your mind. When you’ve done that, the meaning will dissolve along with the problem that the meaning had caused.

Please leave your comments and questions about dissolving problems we created to begin with, instead of coping with or handling problems that appear to be in the world.

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You are weird

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:43:24 +0000

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All of you who read my blog posts and who signed up on my website to eliminate a limiting belief are “weird,” according to best-selling author and popular blogger Seth Godin.

Why would he apply that term to you? Seth uses the term “weird” to describe anyone who is not “normal,” in other words, people who express their uniqueness and who don’t try to fit in with what “most people” are doing.

What makes YOU weird? Most “normal” people are not interested in personal growth. You—who are on my mailing list and reading this blog post—are a distinct minority. Because you want more out of life … because you are willing to spend your time, energy, and money to create a better life for yourself. Most “normal” people do not have this awareness and commitment.

Interestingly enough, many of the people who come to us to help them eliminate beliefs are normal. Thousands of clients who come to us to get rid of their fear of public speaking only want to get rid of that specific practical problem. Most of them deny they have any problems at all in their lives other than their public speaking fear. They have no interest in personal growth. They are normal.

Seth’s newest book, We Are All Weird, makes the point that there are getting to be fewer and fewer “normal” people in the world, in other words, people who aspire to be just like everyone else. More and more people are beginning to express their unique selves, which are weird to the normal people.

We want to hang out in “tribes”

And as people get interested in being their authentic selves, they also want to hang out with others who are weird in the same way they are weird, in “tribes” as Seth puts it.

So if you are weird because you are interested in living the best life you can possible live, because you are willing to put in the effort to overcome the barriers to having a life that truly works, and because you are unwilling to put up with merely getting by—then, first, I want to acknowledge you for that weirdness. You are part of a relatively small group of people on this planet.

And, second, I would like to support you. I have created a page on Facebook that over 1,400 of you weirdoes who are devoted to personal transformation already have joined. I put a link there to my blog posts each week as well as other information that I think would be valuable. I intend to make even more useful material available in the future. You can post comments and questions there and have other members of your tribe respond.

In addition, I have offered to answer any question posted on that site pertaining to personal growth.

If you would like to converse with people who have a similar commitment to personal growth, be given information that will contribute to that growth, and have a chance to get your questions answered, please join your fellow tribe members at http://facebook.com/recreateyourlife.

As one of the weirdoes who has committed his life to helping others get rid of the barriers in their lives that keep them from the lives they want to live, I look forward to interacting with you there

Please leave your comments and questions about how I can support your personal journey to a life free from unnecessary limitations.

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It took me 26 years

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 22:33:15 +0000

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Today (Monday) is a holiday and I’m sitting in my office writing this on my MAC.

No one else is around and the phones are pretty quiet. I came in on what should have been a day off because this week we are going to make available our new Lefkoe Belief Process Training and I have to work with Rodney (who works virtually from Southern California) to make sure the web site and all the emails get completed today.

This week my dream of 26 years will finally come true. Ever since I figured out how to help people get rid of long-held, limiting beliefs I have imagined that some day everyone would be able to eliminate their own beliefs and the beliefs of friends and family.

Imagine a world like this

An incident my wife Shelly told me about a few years ago vividly captures my vision: Shelly had just gotten on a Stairmaster at the gym one morning when a friend she had not seen for a few months got on a machine next to her. Shelly asked her friend how she was doing. Her friend replied that she was having some relationship problems.

What do most people do when a friend tells them about their relationship difficulties? You listen, empathize, and perhaps give some advice. Does your response really help your friend? Maybe it makes your friend feel better for the moment, but, in the long run, unfortunately, rarely does your response make any real difference.

But here is how Shelly responded: She asked, “What do you believe about relationships that could be producing the problems you just told me about?” Her friend thought a minute and then named three. Forty-five minutes later both of them got off their Stairmasters, the three beliefs had been eliminated, and her friend left the gym with new possibilities for a great relationship that she hadn’t had before talking to Shelly.

When Shelly told me this story I thought: What if everyone knew how to eliminate their own beliefs and help others when they got stuck? What if parents and teachers could help children? What if spouses could help each other (as Shelly and I do with each other when we get stuck)? What if all of us could easily get ourselves into an altered state of consciousness in which we experience that anything is possible and we have no limitations?

Every time I think about a world like that I get goose pimples. There are a lot of things that could make a profound impact on the world, but I can’t think of anything that would have as great an impact on each person’s quality of life than this.

How do we get there?

For over 26 years the only way to be able to learn how to eliminate beliefs was a three-day in-person training. Because it took a lot of time and cost a lot of money for people to travel here from all over the world, we didn’t offer the training very often. As a result there are probably less than 200 people in the entire world who have been trained to use the Lefkoe Belief Process.

In order to make a training easily available to anyone who might be interested, we had to find a way to create an on-line training that could be accessed from your computer located anywhere in the world, that didn’t require extensive travel, and that could be offered for far less money than an in-person training.

We spent the last year figuring out a way to do this and finally solved the problem a few weeks ago. The training is now complete and will be made available this week.

Shelly has been back East visiting her friends and family. After she gets home I plan to break open a bottle of champagne and celebrate a dream come true. I hope you are as excited by my vision as I am.

Please leave your comments and questions about how millions of people knowing how to eliminate their own beliefs and the beliefs of others can transform the quality of life on this planet.

If you are interested in learning how to help people eliminate their beliefs, enter your name and email in the box below and we’ll send you information.

A tribute to Steve Jobs

Steve, thank you for the words that inspire me to get out of bed every day, committed to improving the quality of life on the planet, one person at a time.

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” Steve Jobs

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Are they really stupid?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 21:33:00 +0000

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Rare is the day when we don’t think that someone’s behavior or emotional reaction makes absolutely no sense at all. One day it might be a government official, another day it could be a loved one.

In these situations there is always the unstated assumption that they are seeing the same reality I am seeing. And their response to the reality I am seeing is either crazy or stupid.

In fact, I contend that almost always there are at least two very different “realities” involved here: one for you and a totally different one for the other person. There also can be a third: what’s really happening “out there.”

The source of our “reality”

If you’ve been following this blog you’ve read on more than one occasion that our beliefs constitute our reality. If you believe relationships are difficult, that is an absolute fact for you. If you believe life is difficult, that too is a fact and you will have loads of evidence to prove you are right.

Beliefs are generalization we make about ourselves, people, and life that, for us, are “the truth.” So our beliefs about reality determine what we think our reality is.

In addition, we constantly give unconscious meaning to events and then we usually do not recognize the crucial distinction between reality and how that reality has occurred to us.

As a result of our beliefs and our occurrings, what we think is reality more often than not is really something that exists only in our mind, a subjective, unconsciously-created, personal view of reality, not what a video camera would record.

It follows, therefore, that although people’s behavior and emotional reactions might not make sense to us given our view of reality, they make perfect sense given their view of reality. Moreover, most of the time neither our view nor their view corresponds to what actually exists “out there in the world.”

Shelly and I disagree about our children’s education

To make this clear, here’s a personal example of what I mean.

Shortly after our first daughter was born over 29 years ago, Shelly and I started to have conversations about her education. I told her that I thought most public schools were toxic environments and produce more damage than value to the children who attend. (To fully explain my reasons would take an entire blog post. To briefly summarize my reasons, most public schools encourage conformity, discourage creativity and independence, and emphasize memorizing information at the expense of critical thinking.)

So I suggested that we find a really good alternative private school for Blake to attend. Shelly said that she understood my reasons for disliking most public schools and agreed with my reasoning, but still kept arguing that Blake should attend the best public school we could find.

If Shelly really understood my “reality” about public schools, it would make no sense at all for her to continue to argue that Blake should attend one. As a result, I would get frustrated and annoyed whenever we discussed Blake’s education. I remember a lot of heated discussions on this topic.

Shelly’s “reality” about public schools

Eventually I figured out Shelly’s “reality” about schools, at which point her preference for public school made perfect sense. Thirty years ago Shelly (like me and many other people in the world) had the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people like me. Other related beliefs included: I can’t survive without close friends. Friends are the most important things in one’s life. As a result of these and other similar beliefs, Shelly’s friends were the most important thing in her life.

For Shelly, public school was the single most important place for our daughter to make friends and be accepted. And if making a lot of friends was one of the most important things one gets from school, then a small private alternative school with about 120 students spread over eight grades would be a horrible choice for her daughter. A public school with about a thousand kids would be far superior.

Shelly has since eliminated all these beliefs, but at the time her choice of schools for Blake—which seemed absolutely insane to me given what I thought about public schools—made perfect sense to Shelly given her view of public schools: the best place to make a lot of friends and learn about friendship.

Can you see that the difference between my behavior and feelings about public and private schools and Shelly’s was totally a function of how we viewed those schools. In fact, neither view of reality was “the truth.” Each was determined by our beliefs.

After I understood Shelly’s reality about public schools, I still disagreed with her choice, but I no longer thought her choice was stupid and felt annoyed at her. I realized that I would have made the same school choice as she did if I “saw” public schools the same way she did and she would have made the same choice I did if she had the same view I did.

In fact, over the next few years as Shelly eliminated her beliefs relating to friends and to her concern about what others thought of her, she ultimately saw public schools the way I did and ended up totally supporting our joint decision to send both our daughters to a great alternative private school.

The “reality” of government officials

My personal view about the role of the federal government is very different from conservative Republicans, especially the Tea Partyers. But unlike many of my friends who are angry at them and who think they are stupid, I have come to realize that their proposed policies are a function of their beliefs about the proper role of government. If I had those beliefs, I’d espouse the same policies.

Israel and Palestine: the problem is the result of different realities

For another good example where understanding this distinction can be very useful, look at the conflict between Israelis and the Palestinians. It should be clear that each side is viewing a totally different reality. And their different behaviors are a direct manifestation of each’s reality.

What are those behaviors? Israel puts up a fence and checkpoints to keep suicide bombers out of areas where Israelis congregate. Their invasions are designed to stop rocket fire, which comes from the invaded areas. Israelis settle anyplace they want, in other words, anyplace within the borders of the State of Israel, even in areas that are predominantly Palestinian.

Palestinians uses violence as the only avenue they claim remains open to them to try to get Israel to recognize their basic human rights and give them back their homeland, which was taken from them by force and by illegal and immoral international agreements. No matter where they live today they want the right to return to their former homes on land that is now part of Israel.

This is a very condensed description what each side does and wants. Now consider the “reality” as seen by both sides and notice how each’s behavior makes sense given the respective realities.

Reality for Israelis looks like: Centuries of anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the struggle to create a homeland of their own, trying to survive as a small nation when others have sworn to push them back into the sea, constant shelling from Palestinian areas (and other countries), and the ever-present threat of suicide bombers. Jewish people have always lived on this land and King David made the city of Jerusalem the capital of Israel 3,000 years ago. Even 150 years ago there were more Jews living in Jerusalem than Muslims.

Reality for Palestinians looks like: We were living here peaceably when Israel and international agreements (we were not a party to) forcibly drove us from our homeland; Israel has kept us from returning and denies those of us living in Israel basic rights as human beings. Jerusalem contains some of Islam’s holiest cities. Moreover, the Jews used violence against the British when they thought it was the only way to get them to give up control over what is now the State of Israel. They thought they were morally justified in their action, and it worked—they got the land they wanted. (See my earlier blog post for more details on this particular issue: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/a-tool-for-resolving-conflict/#).

When you get that people’s behavior and emotional reactions always make sense given the way reality occurs to them (which is a function of their beliefs and occurrings), you might notice that you are less confused by what people do, less angry at them for doing it, and better able to find common ground for a solution that works for all concerned.

Please leave your comments and questions about how people’s different beliefs and occurrings account for their different reactions to things, and how recognizing that can reduce your upset and increase your compassio

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Your happiness depends on knowing the difference between beliefs and occurrings

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 22:48:46 +0000

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About two years ago I realized that the failure to make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs to us is the source of many problems in our life. As I’ve learned more about this distinction I’ve written several posts about it, which led to a lot of comments from you.

Perhaps the most common questions I’ve received ask: Both beliefs and occurrings seem to be meaning we give to meaningless events. What is the difference between them? Why is the difference important.

In today’s post I’ll answer these questions and explain how our happiness depends on understanding the difference between them.

There is a crucial difference between a belief and an occurring

Beliefs are the meaning we give (usually) to a series of events. Beliefs are broad generalizations, for example, I am …. People are …. Life is …. A belief is a statement about reality that we feel and act is the truth, although it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe. Once formed, beliefs continue to exist and affect our behavior, feelings and perceptions forever, unless we are able to eliminate the belief. We view life through the filter of our beliefs.

Our occurrings, on the other hand, are the meaning we give to an event in reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us at a given moment. Each occurring is a distinct meaning that usually lasts only a short time and then fades away by itself when we stop thinking about the event. An example of an occurring is your boss asking you a question and it occurring to you as she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t like me, or I’m going to get fired. That is the meaning you have given to the boss’s question. In reality all that happened is that she asked you a question. Contrast that occurring—the meaning you gave to that specific event—to beliefs that act as a filter through which we view all events, such as No one trusts me. No one likes me. I can’t keep a job.

Why occurrings are so important

Usually we don’t distinguish between reality and how reality occurs for us (our occurring), so we think the meaning we give reality IS reality. Because we think our occurring IS reality, we interact with our occurring, not reality.

For example, losing our job is a fact in reality, seeing it as a disaster or a great opportunity are two possible ways the event can occur for you. You can “see” that you no longer have a job. You can’t “see” that the job loss is a disaster or an opportunity. If your job loss occurred to you as a disaster, you would try to deal with “a disaster,” instead of with a job loss, which probably would have you feel and behave differently

The simple distinction between beliefs and occurrings

Can you see that beliefs are broad generalizations that filter your view of all events, while occurrings are “one time” meanings you give to specific events that do not affect the meaning you give to similar events in the future?

Your long-held beliefs are NOT occurrings. Occurrings require, by definition, an event, either in your mind or in the world. An occurring is how an event occurs for you. If there is no event, there is no occurring.

Is it now clear that beliefs and occurrings are two totally different phenomena? There is a relationship between them, however, in that beliefs are the major source of our occurrings. In other words, how a meaningless event occurs for us is determined mainly by our beliefs. (Other determining factors can include our mood, physical condition, and stage of development [see almost any of Ken Wilber’s books for details on stages of development])

Change your beliefs and you can change how events show up for you. For example, if you believe, People are stupid, they will occur for you that way. Eliminate that belief and your future occurrings probably will change

It is important to realize that it is possible to dissolve an occurring without eliminating any beliefs. On the other hand, if you don’t eliminate the beliefs that are causing a occurring, you will continue to have the same occurring when similar events happen in your life.

I want to emphasize that the reason this distinction between reality and our occurrings is so important is that most people rarely distinguish between them, thereby acting as if their occurring IS reality. In other words, we rarely deal with what is actually in the world; we deal with the meaning we have given what is in the world, a meaning that exists only in our own mind.

Define a few relevant terms

Let me define a few other terms that are relevant to this discussion. First, reality, by which I mean what actually happens in the world. Events. What you know through your five senses, especially what you can see or hear. What you usually could capture on a video recording. Sometimes “reality” can’t be “seen” because it is inside your mind, such as thoughts, memories, projections of the future, and physical sensations. We can give all of these meaning, so we can have occurrings about all of them

The next term I want to clarify is “No meaning.” Events in reality have no inherent meaning. In other words, you can’t draw any inferences or make any predictions—for sure—as a result of observing any events, including internal events such as memories or physical sensations. All meaning, therefore, is in your mind. This idea can be difficult to prove to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I hear all the time: “Of course events have meaning! Doesn’t dying have meaning? Doesn’t it mean something if someone treats you badly?” The best way I know to make this idea real is to experience it when you do the Lefkoe Belief Process, where you experience clearly that mom’s and dad’s behavior had no inherent meaning, that the way they treated you meant nothing about you.

Our occurrings cause most of our feeling

The third idea I want to clarify is: “Reality can’t cause feelings.” Reality/events are unable to make you feel anything because they have no inherent meaning. The primary source of your feelings is the meaning you give to events.

For example: If you don’t get something you want and you give it the meaning: I can’t get what I want and I never will—you probably will get upset. If you give it the meaning: I haven’t gotten what I want yet, so what do I have to do to get it?—you probably will feel challenged and excited. The meaning we give events is the primary source of our feelings. Thus, being able to dissolve your occurrings enables you to simultaneously dissolve negative feelings, such as anxiety, anger, and upset

Although beliefs sometimes can cause feelings directly (for example, the belief men are dangerous probably would make a woman anxious around men), their major influence on feelings is via occurrings. In other words, beliefs are a primary determinant of our occurrings, and our occurrings cause most of our feelings.

For example, imagine that your boss walks in your room and says to you: “Is the project complete yet?” That is the reality, what actually happened. That might occur to you as she is dissatisfied with me, or my job is in jeopardy, or I never do anything right. That occurring, in turn, might have you feel anxious or possibly even angry.

I needed to eliminate a lot of beliefs (and some conditionings) to get rid of my depression, my neediness, my need for the approval of others, and a bunch of other problems. But I still had many occurrings daily that caused little upsets, many of which I’ve written about in earlier posts. When I stopped giving meaning to events, these minor upsets stopped completely.

Because getting rid of beliefs and occurrings are two totally different processes, it is possible for you to dissolve your moment-by-moment occurrings even before you have eliminated many beliefs

Please leave your comments and questions about the distinction between beliefs and occurrings and how each of them affects your life.

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A father’s fear for his daughter

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 20:17:10 +0000

I’m writing this on the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii, where my wife Shelly and I are visiting our 29-year-old daughter Blake.

Shortly after she arrived in Hawaii almost 11 years ago she started surfing. She now surfs waves as big as 20 feet and she has progressed to the level where there are some real risks in what she is doing.

If surfing big waves wasn’t enough, earlier this year she told us that she had started skydiving. She fell in love with jumping out of airplanes and in no time had completed her 100th jump.

Hanging out at the “Drop Zone”

Earlier today Blake took Shelly and me to the “Drop Zone,” where she jumps. Shelly was thinking about skydiving for the first time. Also, Blake wanted us to meet her friends there and see what the sport was all about. As she introduced us to them, one by one, I noticed grins on most of the faces. They seemed as happy a group of people as I had met in a long time. As I talked to them they told me how much they loved their jobs and couldn’t imagine doing anything else for a living. It might be a dangerous sport but you never would have known it from talking to people who jump out of a plane at 14,000 feet as often as 10 times a day.

After Shelly decided not to jump, we watched dozens of people float down to the ground, their colorful parachutes swaying in the breeze. At some point Blake turned to us and suggested we leave.

I said to her, “As long as we’re already here, don’t you want to jump?” Blake answered that she would love to, but had decided not to because she thought Shelly and I might be afraid of watching her.

I did feel some fear, but I told her that as long as we were already there and she wanted to do it, she should jump and we’d watch. It actually was exciting to watch her appear through the clouds and slowly float down to the ground. I was pleased Blake had learned so much in such a short period of time (such as some simple tricks in the air, packing her own parachute, etc.).

What’s really selfish?

As we were driving away Blake commented that skydiving was a selfish sport. “What do you mean?” I asked. She replied that a skydiver is doing what she wants and is not thinking about how her friends and family would feel if there was an accident. I told her that was one way to look at it. Another was that it was even more selfish to ask someone to not live the life she wants to live in order to minimize the possibility that you might have to live with the consequences of her behavior.

I also said to her: “ I can’t imagine how I would manage if something happened to you. But everything in life has some degree of risk, and it would not be okay with me for you to give up doing what you love doing and not live the life you want to live, just to remain safe for me. I’d rather deal with the consequences than have you give up living the life you want to live.”

I’m really proud that she does what she wants to do, is independent and courageous, has created a life that works for her, and considers her life “awesome.” She is truly happy and is recognized at a distance by the smile that is usually on her face.

Parents don’t want their kids to get hurt

Parents often are afraid their kids will get hurt and, because they love their children so much, they step in and try to keep them from getting hurt. Not only from physically dangerous activities like surfing or skydiving, but also as a result of their career choices, like becoming an actor or a professional athlete, where the chances of success are very slim and the chances of disappointment are great.

Parents frequently encourage their children to choose careers where, if you have the requisite skills, you are pretty much assured of getting a job with a “good” salary.

(Nowadays there are very few skills that will assure you of finding a job. Skills that virtually guaranteed you a lifetime job only a few yeas ago, such as the construction trades or manufacturing, won’t necessarily get you a job today.)

But are you really doing your children a service if they do what you want or what you think is “safe” or “practical,” if they never discover and follow their passion, if they never experience “Thank God it’s Monday,” instead of “Thank God it’s Friday”?

Follow your dreams

I’ve been telling my children since they were old enough to understand what I was saying: “Don’t ever get a ‘job.’ Figure out what you love doing, what you would be excited to do every day whether you got paid for it or not, and then find someone to pay you for doing it.”

I’ve been talking about parenting and children, but the points I have been making are just as valid for any of us as adults. If you get a “good” job that you have no interest in and you dread showing up for work every morning, you’ve wasted your life

Yes, there is always the possibility of failing at what you attempt. But if you are going to fail, wouldn’t you be better off failing while reaching for your dreams than failing while seeking something you wouldn’t have made you happy had you achieved it?

I’ve always loved Helen Keller’s quote: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” If you aren’t going to create your life as a daring adventure, what’s the point of being here?

Please leave your comments and questions about giving in to fear and transcending fear below.

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Why do you have relationship problems?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 22:11:52 +0000

Thanks so much for the many thoughtful responses to my post last week asking you how we can contribute to improving your life.

The single most common response had to do with relationships. Unfortunately, there is no simple advice I can offer in this area for several reasons.

Different types of relationship problems

To begin with, many of the beliefs men have that serve as barriers to having a great relationship are different from the beliefs women have.

Moreover, relationships have a lot of different aspects, such as:

• men can have a hard time approaching women,
• both men and women can have a hard time communicating with each other,
• either can continually get involved with someone from the who is abusive (although this is far more true for women than men),
• either can fear physical intimacy,
• both can have a hard time controlling their tempers in a relationship, and
• both can have difficulty in finding the right partner.

This multitude of sub-patterns is what makes it so difficult to create an on-line program that works for most people with a relationship problem. In addition, not only are there so many different types of relationship problems, each person with a given problem can have a few beliefs and conditionings other people don’t have.

In this post I’ll point out some of the most common beliefs and conditionings for each sub-pattern and try to provide some additional insights that might help you get or sustain a truly loving, nurturing relationship.

Three different types of “problems” we want to change

First of all, it is very important to distinguish between three very different types of problems or situations we want to change:

1. Our behavior—we can want to stop doing something we are already doing (such as emotional eating) or start doing something we are not doing (such as procrastinating any given activity).
2. Our feelings—we can want to stop feeling something we are already feeling (such as anxiety or anger) or start feeling something we have a hard time feeling (such as love).
3. Something in reality—we can want to change something in reality, such as acquire more wealth or find a great romantic partner.

It is important to distinguish between these three because The Lefkoe Method is extremely helpful with the first two types of problems. It is only marginally helpful with the third one.

You can have beliefs or conditionings that would make it difficult to have a great relationship, such as I’m not loveable, men/women can’t be trusted, relationships are difficult, and I’ll never get what I want. But eliminating those and other similar beliefs will not provide you with the perfect mate, although it will enable you to do things you couldn’t do before that might increase your changes of finding the perfect mate.

In other words, although The Lefkoe Method can almost always change your behavior and feelings, and can help you remove barriers to you getting what you want in reality, it is unlikely to provide you with what you want.

Obviously you have to take action and some actions are better than others. I offered several suggestions based on my own experience that you can use to create an incredibly loving and nurturing relationship. See http://www.mortylefkoe.com/improve-relationships/#. But if you have beliefs in the way, you could have a hard time doing what I suggest.

Does the Law of Attraction Work?

Will focusing on what you want (the Law of Attraction) result in you getting what you focus on? What about the variation of focusing with emotion and then taking action? Although it would be nice if that always worked, there are many more people who complain that it doesn’t work than people who claim that it does. In any case I wouldn’t count on it to provide you with the mate you are seeking.

That being said, I’ll tell you some of the beliefs and conditionings that can influence your behavior relating to relationships and serve as a barrier to you getting what you want. In addition to the list below, the negative self-esteem beliefs and conditionings on the Natural Confidence program are relevant in most relationship problems.

Here is a list of some common relationship problems and some of the most common beliefs and conditionings that cause them:

I usually pick unavailable men

• I can’t count on/trust men.
• I’m not what men want.
• I’m not worth loving.
• Commitment is dangerous.
• Fear associated with commitment.

Getting in and staying in physically/emotionally abusive relationships

• I’m powerless.
• Men have all the power.
• Women are victims.
• I’m not worth it.
• I’m not loveable.
• I’m bad.
• I don’t deserve to be happy/get what I want.

I can’t find a great relationship

This is an example of wanting to change reality, not your behavior or feelings. So getting rid of these beliefs will eliminate some barriers, but will not necessarily get you what you want. (Before looking for beliefs, notice if you are taking the appropriate actions, for example, going to places where you might find the type of person you are looking for.)

• Fear associated with rejection.
• There are no good men/women out there.
• Men/women are evil/controlling.
• I have to give up my independence/ freedom to be in a relationship.
• I’m not loveable.
• Men/women can’t be trusted.
• Relationships are difficult.
• I’ll never get what I want.
• Life is difficult.

Difficulty with physical intimacy/sex

• Sex is bad/evil.
• I’m bad if I desire sex.
• Sex is dirty.
• All that men want is sex.
• (If a woman has been raped or incested, she is likely to have beliefs like: I’m damaged goods, men are dangerous, life is dangerous, I’m bad—all of which can make physical intimacy very difficult.)

I get angry very easily and yell at my partner

• I’m powerless.
• What makes me good enough and important is having things be exactly the way I want them to be.
• (With these beliefs if someone doesn’t do exactly what you want, the way you want, when you want, you’ll feel powerless. And then you’ll get angry at the person who seems to be making you feel powerless.)

Men having a difficult time approaching women

Because this is largely a result of a lack of confidence, all the beliefs and conditionings on the Natural Confidence program are especially relevant. Also:

• I’m not attractive.
• I’m not interesting.
• I’m weird.
• I’m annoying.
• Fear associated with approaching women.
• Women don’t want nice guys.
• All the beliefs about sex listed above.
• Fear associated with making a fool of myself.
• Women want men who are confident, who can provide financial security, who are interesting, who are attractive, etc.—and I’m not those things.

Please leave your comments and questions about relationship problems below.

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How to build your self-confidence

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:51:28 +0000

NOTE: One of the most frequent questions I get is about what causes a low level of self-confidence and what can be done to improve it. To answer those questions I’ve posted an updated version of a post from early last year on this topic.

Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why?

What is confidence anyway?
Where does it come from? Why do some people have more of it than others?
How can we improve our level of confidence?
How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence?

As someone who has helped literally thousands of people build more confidence, I think I am qualified to answer these questions. (By the way, I had very little self-confidence for most of my life but now I consistently experience a high level of confidence.)

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a sense of victimization to a sense that we can handle whatever life throws at us. Some people are almost totally lacking in confidence and some feel confident that they can handle almost anything; most people are in-between. So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can raise their level of confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though one has high level of self-confidence. Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

Confidence is ultimately a function of the self-esteem beliefs we hold. For example, someone who believes I’m not good enough, I’m not capable, I’m powerless, I’m not worthy or deserving, etc. will likely have a low level of self-confidence. On the other hand, someone with the beliefs I am good enough, I am capable, I impact my reality, I’m worthy and deserving, etc. will likely have a high level of self-confidence.

In other words, your confidence in yourself as a person is the result of having positive beliefs about yourself.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot. The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs. Every negative self-esteem-type belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence; every one we eliminate raises our internal level of self-confidence.

Once you understand that negative self-esteem beliefs lower your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will realize that the commonly-held notion that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life is a serious misunderstanding.

Even if you usually succeed at tasks as a kid, but your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs, which will lower your self-confidence. On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time. If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence. In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs—the meaning you give your results—not your actual results.

And if you create a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs early in life, failures later on probably will be experienced as learning experiences or temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidenc

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough and we will fail.)

Low self-confidence also can result in self-defeating behavior. It can keep you from ever getting started. Or it can have you quit at the first sign of a problem. Or it can lead you to sabotage yourself when you get close to success because you feel you don’t really deserve to get what you want. Or if somehow you manage to get some of what you want, a low level of self-confidence will keep you from truly enjoying your success. The best illustration of this latter point is a study of large company CEOs done many years ago in which most of them admitted they were terrified that they would be “found out” and that everything they had achieved would be taken away from them. This fear is so common that it has been given a name: “The Imposter Syndrome.

How building confidence improves your life

Some of the benefits of increased self-confidence include: You’ll take more chances. You’ll stop procrastinating. You’ll do whatever you need to do to move your vision forward. You’ll finally start things you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to doing. It will make social activity easier. Talking to people and meeting new people will become easier and effortless. Failure and mistakes will no longer be dreaded. And you’ll do what you want without worrying about what others will think

Do you still have any questions about confidence? Is the difference clear between a lack of self-confidence and the inability to perform a specific task? Please leave your comments and questions below

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Do you know the difference in the many personal growth materials?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 22:48:08 +0000

I’d like to slightly modify a story we’ve all heard before in order to enable you to get greater value from the many personal growth products and services.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat fish today but not have any fish for future meals. If you teach a man to fish, he will be able to eat fish forever as long as he is willing to catch the fish.

There is a third possibility that is not often talked about: If you transform the man’s diet (for instance, have him become a vegetarian) so that he doesn’t eat fish any more, his problem of not having fish to eat is solved forever.

Let’s apply the principle of this story to the rash of personal growth products and services we are offered daily.

Giving a man a fish is equivalent to doing something that will make people feel better. Workshops that result in participants leaving “on a high” are a good example of this. There is nothing wrong with seeking and enjoying products and services that merely provide a good experience at the moment, but it is important to realize that such “high” experiences usually have no lasting impact.

Teaching a man to fish is equivalent to giving people information, which if they used, would improve their lives. Workshops and books that provide people with useful information are a good example of this. There clearly is some “take-away” value, but the material must be used to be useful.

Transforming a man so he doesn’t need fish any more because he no longer eats fish is equivalent to eliminating the source of, or transcending, people’s behavioral or emotional problems. For example, when you eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause procrastinating, feeling anxious, or worrying about what others think of you, those problems disappear. No further action is required to achieve these benefits.

What’s been your experience with all three types?

Most people who are reading this probably have attended a workshop or read a book that promised a transformation, which gave you the feeling of being “transformed at the time,” but then resulted in you feeling disappointed when the “high” wore off a few days later and there were no permanent improvements in your life.

Most of you probably have attended some type of course or read some book that offered some really useful information. This material spelled out in detail how to improve your relationships (like my blog post last week) or become successful. The information truly is valuable because most people will achieve what the courses and written material promise if you implement what they teach.

Lasting change

Relatively rare are spiritual practices or belief-eliminating programs that actually transform you permanently, so that thereafter you deal with life differently and feel differently about specific situations.

The third category of personal growth material is not inherently better than the second. Both the second and third types of personal growth material can make a profound difference in your life, but there is still a significant difference between the two. And in order for you to get the most value from what you spend your time and money on, you should be clear about the difference.

Before you purchase material that teaches you how to do something, make sure you are committed to fully implementing the information. Not using it at all or stopping before the full benefit is achieved will result in a lot of frustration and wasting your money. If you are committed to using what you learn, then books like Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles, Marci Shimoff’s Happiness For No Reason, John Gray’s many Mars-Venus books on relationships, and any of Ivan Misner’s books on networking. are invaluable. My weekly blog posts are another example of the second type of personal growth material.

Certain meditation classes, workshops with people like Andrew Cohen (founder of Enlighten Next, and sessions where you use The Lefkoe Method to eliminate beliefs and conditionings (and create yourself as the creator of your life) are examples of the third type of personal growth material. You leave these experiences with a different experience of who you really are, there are permanent changes in what you do and how you feel, and your life is demonstrably improved from then on.

There is value in each of these three types of personal growth offerings, but the value is very different. Be clear what you are looking for and then make sure that what you purchase provides you what you want.

What do you think about the three different types of personal growth products and services? Please write your comments below.

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For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

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What is the relationship between financial success and personal growth?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 22:58:02 +0000

The tens of millions of people who are interested in self-improvement have two different but related focuses: financial success and personal growth.

People who primarily are interested in financial success seek out products that promise to help them make more money and end up with more wealth. Such people are usually willing to pay more for their courses and webinars than for courses that only improve their emotional well-being.

People who primarily are interested in personal growth usually want to change their behavior, such as stop procrastinating, and their emotions, such as stop their anxiety and anger. People for whom this is the goal usually are willing to pay far less for such products. Some of these people, especially those who have a strong spiritual bent, even think that being spiritual precludes them from pursuing money.

So although sometimes there is an overlap between these two groups, people tend to have one focus or the other.

There is an inextricable connection

But even for the people who do pursue both goals, I’m not sure that many people interested in self-improvement are aware that there is an inextricable connection between the two areas of life.

Although financial success can be affected by many different factors—including what product or service you are offering, the quality of the offering, to what market, competition, at what price, etc.—one of the most critical factors that is often ignored but that significantly affects your financial success is your mental/emotional state.

Because my expertise is on how beliefs affect our lives, I’ll focus on the impact of beliefs, but whether the source of dysfunctional behavior and emotions are beliefs or anything else, the chance of achieving and enjoying financial success in today’s world is slim unless you are able to get rid of your dysfunctional behavior and emotions.

Let me explain why.

For many years, success in business depended on showing up every day and doing what you were told. If you did it well enough for long enough, you’d usually move up through the organization you worked for and end up with a nice pension.

Financial success requires personal growth

Today showing up and doing the “right” thing is no longer enough, whether you work for yourself or for others. More and more organizations are looking for creative, innovative, imaginative people who will figure out for themselves what needs to be done instead of waiting to be told. And if you work for yourself, then merely doing what others do, the way others do it, is unlikely to provide significant financial success.

Today the world is looking for the intellectually curious, the people who are willing to take risks, who, as Seth Godin puts it, are willing to “poke the box.”

If that is what financial success requires in today’s fast-changing world—where what worked yesterday is probably not what is going to work today and certainly won’t be what works tomorrow—than your behavior and emotional state are crucial.

Beliefs that hinder financial success

What is the chance of you being innovative, taking chances, doing what makes sense to you whether others approve or not, etc. if you have even just a few of the following beliefs?

I’m not good enough.
Mistakes and failure are bad.
If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
I’m inadequate.
I’m not important.
What makes me good enough and important is having others think well of me.
I’m not capable.
I’m not competent.
I’m powerless.

And that list of self-esteem beliefs doesn’t even include specific beliefs about money, such as:

Money is hard to get.
Money is a struggle.
There’s never enough money.

In addition to the beliefs, what if also you have been conditioned to feel fear if you are rejected, if you are criticized or judged, or if you don’t live up to the expectations of others?

People with beliefs and conditionings like these will have a hard time doing what they need to do to achieve financial success. Yes, they can learn what to do from a lot of great books and courses, but it will still be difficult to implement that really useful advice.

A client buys the house of her dreams

My wife Shelly—who is a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator who helps over 25 clients a week get rid of limiting beliefs—told me the following story that illustrates this point. She had a client who eliminated a few negative self-esteem beliefs and other negative beliefs about achieving financial abundance. One day she got a call from this client who wanted to share some exciting news with her. The client and three of her friends had attended a T. Harv Eker workshop, after which she had bought the summer house of her dreams.

The client attributed her new possession to what she learned in the workshop. Shelly listened and then asked the client what her friends had purchased. The client responded that they hadn’t bought anything or done anything to improve their financial condition after the workshop.

At that point Shelly pulled out the client’s file and read her some of the beliefs she had eliminated before she attended the workshop: I’m not deserving, Money is scarce and hard to get, You should always save for a rainy day, I’ll never get what I want, and I’m not important.

Shelly then asked her, “Do you think you would have spent the money and bought the summer house of your dreams if you still had the beliefs you eliminated?” The stunned silence at the other end of the phone line was the answer.

Obviously merely getting rid of limiting beliefs and conditionings is not sufficient to insure financial abundance. You have to take action. But the ability to take the type of actions required for financial success in today’s world require the ability to not be stopped by your fear of making mistakes, by what you think others may think of your behavior, or by a lack of confidence.

So if financial success is your focus—and there is nothing wrong with that focus—make sure you handle your personal growth first. It probably will give you a better chance to achieve financial success and it certainly will enable you to enjoy it more.

What do you think about the relationship between personal growth and financial success? Please write your comments below.

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The Information You Asked For: What Beliefs Cause Specific Problems

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:50:37 +0000

Every week I get a few blog comments and emails asking me to help you identify the beliefs that cause specific problems. Although our training that will teach you how to eliminate beliefs once you’ve found them won’t be available for another couple of months, for those of you who have already figured out how to eliminate beliefs on your own, here are some common patterns and the beliefs that cause them—for most people, most of the time. Some people obviously don’t have all these beliefs and some people have a couple of additional beliefs.

Procrastination:

Mistakes and failure are bad.
I’m not good enough.
Change is difficult.
What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
Nothing I do is good enough.
I’m not capable.
I’m not competent.
If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
I’m a failure.
I’m stupid.
I’m not worthy.
I’m powerless.
What makes me good enough or important is doing things perfectly.
Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Fear of rejection:

I’m not good enough.
Change is difficult.
I’m not important.
What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me.
If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
I’m not worthy.
Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Concern with the approval of others:

Mistakes and failure are bad.
I’m not good enough.
Change is difficult.
I’m not important.
What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me.
I’m not worthy
If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Notice that some of the beliefs are the same for all three problems and some are different. We have found that certain basic negative self-esteem beliefs seem to underlie almost any pattern. And then each behavioral or emotional problem has its own unique beliefs.

Problems with careers, abundance, and relationships have additional beliefs in those specific areas.

You’ll also notice in the above lists that all three patterns include conditioning. As I’ve explained in prior blog posts, most behavioral and emotional problems are caused primarily by beliefs, but in many cases by conditioning also. For example, most people are conditioned to feel some level of anxiety if they are criticized, if they don’t live up to expectations, or if they are rejected. These conditionings have to be de-conditioned before many problems can be totally eliminated. For more information about conditioning, please see http://www.mortylefkoe.com/032310/.

For more information about how to identify the beliefs underlying any given problem, see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/find-beliefs-underlying/.

If there are any other specific topics you would like me to write about, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I’ll do my best to write about any topic that a number of you request.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Why Do We Need To Create Meaning?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 23:48:06 +0000

Why do we usually make up a meaning for events that have no inherent meaning? And how does that automatic, unconscious meaning-making process create problems for us?

Why we need to create meaning

As a human being, your survival is conditional—it is not guaranteed. In other words, there are some things that help insure your survival and some things that threaten your survival. As a very young child, having loving, caring parents makes us feel our survival is insured; having parents who do not love or care about us (or who we feel do not love or care about us) makes us feel our survival is threatened. As an adult having someone on a dark street stick a gun in your face and demand your money makes you feel as if your survival is threatened.

Human beings seem to have a hard-wired “meaning making” mechanism that judges almost everything: conducive to my survival or inimical to my survival—for me or against me. One of the first words that children learn, and then repeat incessantly, is “why.” We need to understand what is happening and why so we can better judge the effect it might have on our lives.

The need to discover an event’s probable impact on us leads us to look for the meaning in events that have no inherent meaning. As I’ve explained in earlier posts and as is clear to anyone who has eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, no event has an inherent meaning because any event could have a multitude of meanings and you can’t ever draw any conclusions, for sure, from any event. Meaning exists only in the mind, not in the world.

For example, if parents get angry when their children didn’t meet their expectations, most children will assign such behavior the meaning that they aren’t good enough. In fact, however, the fact that parents are angry at their child tells you nothing for certain about their child. As a result, you can’t know anything for certain about a child from the fact that his parents frequently got angry at him. In other words, the events involving the parents and children have no inherent meaning.

We create two different types of meaning

There are two fundamental types of meaning we give to events:

The first type is the meaning we give to a pattern of events, such as mom and dad being busy a lot of the time (leading to: I’m not important) or mom and dad arguing a lot and getting divorced (leading to: Relationships don’t work). These meanings become beliefs, which are generalized statements about ourselves, people and life that stay with us forever unless we find some way to eliminate the belief. Such beliefs are often variations of “I am …, or “People are …, or “Life is ….” Beliefs are statements about reality that we feel are “the truth,” thereby determining our behavior.

The second type is the meaning we give to specific events, both external (events in the world) or internal (such as thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, etc.). These meanings last only as long as our focus on an event lasts. Like beliefs, such meanings are created unconsciously and automatically. The meaning we give this type of event determines how it “occurs” for us. Most of us most of the time never distinguish between actual events and how the events occur to us. We think the latter is real and therefore we deal with the “occurring” as if it is the actual reality.

In other words, if a friend walks into a room and doesn’t speak to us, and this event occurs to us as: my friend doesn’t like me, it seems to us as if the reality is my friend doesn’t like me. At which point we deal with this person as if he really doesn’t like me, when all we know for sure is that when he walked into the room he did not talk to us. In other words, because we usually don’t distinguish between an event and the meaning we give the event, we deal with the meaning as if it is what actually happened.

Ultimately, both types of meanings (beliefs and our occurrings) get substituted for reality in our mind and we don’t deal with what really is. In other words, we think our beliefs and occurrings are “the truth.”

Getting rid of these meanings

When you eliminate beliefs, you create new possibilities in your life because “your reality” has changed. The filters through which you view reality are gone. Barriers to action, such as procrastination and anxiety, have been permanently eliminated.

When you dissolve the meaning/occurring you give events moment by moment, you are better able to deal with the situation (if it needs dealing with) because you are clear on the difference between the event to be dealt with and the meaning that exists only in your mind. So you are able to see more possibilities for solving a problem. Moreover, because meaningless events cannot cause feelings, most of our negative emotions, such as anxiety and anger, come from the meaning you give events. By dissolving the meaning, you simultaneously dissolve the negative feelings.

Dissolve beliefs and occurrings by making a distinction

As I pointed out in an earlier blog post, we think our beliefs and the meaning we give events moment by moment are true because of a distinction we failed to make earlier, namely between the event(s) and the meaning we assign the event(s). Therefore, the way to eliminate or dissolve beliefs and current meanings is to make the distinction we did not make earlier. When we are able to make that distinction, the belief and the current meaning/occurring disappear.

When people are told they can eliminate beliefs, some respond: But won’t that force me to do things that might be dangerous, for example, if I eliminate the belief life is dangerous, won’t that make me oblivious to some real dangers. The answer is no. Eliminating beliefs does not make you do anything. It only offers new possibilities, from which you can freely choose.

A similar thing happens when I tell people that they can learn to stop giving meaning to events. One person asked: Won’t that lead to people becoming sociopaths? What he meant was: if your have no feelings, won’t you stop caring about other people? Won’t you lose all sense of morality? Again, the answer is no.

Not giving an arbitrary meaning to moment-to-moment events does not affect your values at all. You can still value human life and have a desire to alleviate the suffering of others.

In addition, you do not need meaning to get you to take action. If you lose your job, you don’t need to assume it means that you will not be able to pay your bills, that you will lose your home, that you will never get another job, etc. in order to start looking for a new job. In fact, you will be better able to create strategies for finding a new job if you are not overwhelmed with the fear that would result from such occurrings.

How can I decide what to do without any meaning?

But if nature built a meaning-making mechanism into us because we need to know if what we encounter in reality is conducive to or threatens our survival, how will we be able to survive if we stop making meaning?

There is a significant difference between making reasonable assumptions that we know are assumptions and that we continually check for accuracy, and unknowingly giving meaning to an event and then thinking that the way the event occurred to us is what actually happened. We can never be better off by being blind to what actually is.

Automatic meaning-making might be useful in a world where real danger lurks beneath every bush, where a saber-tooth tiger might jump out at you at any moment. In such a world, we need to automatically give meaning to events and respond without conscious thought. We are better being safe than sorry and assuming the worst will probably save our lives at some point.

But we no longer live in a world where we need automatic, unconscious meaning. In virtually every situation we have the time to carefully think about events and consciously determine their most likely meaning—all the while realizing that our consciously-created meanings are provisional and need to be checked for usefulness from time to time. We know they are our best guesses at that time and do not mistake them for the truth.

In today’s modern world, thinking your beliefs and occurrings are “the truth” can never be useful. So eliminate your limiting beliefs and learn how to stop automatically giving meaning to current events. You’ll be surprised at how much happier and more successful you will become.

What do you think about our biological need to create meaning and how not giving meaning to events enables us to have a better life? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

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Eliminate The Fear That Stops You

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:58:12 +0000

Have you ever told yourself that you were going to do something—something you really wanted to do—and then just never get around to it? If you are, you are like millions of others and Seth Godin’s new book is about you.

I read his newest book, Poke the Box, a few months ago and it’s just the right book for our times. It probably will become his 13^th best-seller.

You need to take action

If you’ve read any of his earlier books or his daily blog (which I devour as soon as it arrives in my inbox), you know that Seth is passionate about innovation and change. And, he stresses repeatedly, if you want to produce something new and change anything, you have to start and you have to “ship,” in other words, create a product or service and then make it available.

In other words, get an idea for something new that people will find valuable and willing to pay for and then stay with it until it’s ready to ship. But everyone knows that. Do we need another book that repeats that obvious truth?

He is talking about business, but the point he is making applies to all of us, all the time, outside of business. Life is about making things happen, not just thinking about what we would like to make happen.

The reason we need Seth’s book is that, despite the fact that the need to start and ship (the need to move forward in life) is obvious, most people don’t do it.

Seth correctly says that the major reason is fear of failure. We are afraid to make mistakes and to fail. And anytime you are trying something new, something that hasn’t been proven to work before, there is always the possibility of a mistake or failure.

Why do we all fear failure?

Seth spends most of his latest book encouraging people to overcome this fear and giving them tips on how to do it.

I totally agree with Seth that what is needed most in this world is innovation that is turned into products and services and then shipped. I also agree that fear of mistakes and failure is the biggest barrier to people doing this.

But I have a slight disagreement about why so many people are afraid. Yes, we do have a reptilian brain where the only thing that counts is our survival. That’s why anything we perceive as threatening our survival will produce the emotion of fear.

But what determines what we perceive to be a threat to our survival? If you are a regularly reader of my posts, you won’t be surprised when I say the answer is beliefs. In this case, two specific beliefs.

What makes people fear mistakes and failure are two beliefs that most people seem to have: Mistakes and failure are bad and If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. If you think it is bad to make a mistake or fail and that you will be rejected if you do either of these two things, you will experience fear and, in far too many cases, the fear will inhibit action.

The source of the “fear of failure” beliefs

Why are these two beliefs so common? Well, let’s take a look at how they were formed. Most parents never take parenting classes on learning how to be an effective parent and most parents bring their own “baggage” with them to the job of parenting. Moreover, most parents have unreasonable expectations for their children. For example, most parents expect toddlers to come when called, sit still, not make too much noise, and do what they are told to do. All of these things are virtually impossible for a toddler.

How do parents respond when their expectations are not met? In the best of cases with mild annoyance and frustration—in the worst of cases with physical abuse. The reaction of most parents is in-between these two extremes. Most parents get angry and repeat the phrases that have become clichés in our society: “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Don’t you ever listen?” “Why can’t you do what I tell you?” “What’s wrong with you?” Many of our clients tell us about their parents’ “look.”

What meaning does a four-to-six-year-old give to his parents’ response? I’m not doing what my parents want. I don’t seem to be able to give them what they want. I’m making mistakes and failing. And because mom and dad are angry, that must be bad. And because it feels like my parents don’t love me when they are angry at me and it feels like they are withdrawing from me, it feels like I’m being rejected.

Yes, most schools also create an environment in which these two beliefs are likely to be formed. Unfortunately most kids have already created these beliefs at home before the age of six, before they ever got to school.

How do I know this? Because my associates and I have helped over 13,000 clients eliminate the beliefs that cause most of the problems in their lives and most of these clients have had these two beliefs about mistakes and failure. And the type of parenting behavior I described above is the source of the beliefs for almost all of them.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news.

Beliefs like these can be quickly and permanently eliminated. And what I’ve discovered from my work with clients is that as soon as these two beliefs are eliminated (sometimes a few other core beliefs are required), the fear of failure literally disappears. Forever.

So maybe the best way to create a world in which most people are willing to “poke the box”—to create a new idea, then start work on it and then ship it—is to help millions of people get rid of the beliefs that are preventing such behavior.

Steps of a process to eliminate the beliefs

Here are the steps of a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process^® that will enable most people to eliminate these two beliefs about mistakes and failure (and most other beliefs) permanently. (Literally tens of thousands of people have gotten rid of these beliefs using this process.) Just ask someone these questions and allow them to answer. I’ll provide the answers that most people with the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, have given.

Step 1: What is the belief?

Mistakes and failure are bad.

Step 2: What is the source of the belief? What happened (usually before the age of six if it’s a self-esteem belief) that led to this belief being formed?

Mom and dad were critical of me when I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted, or the way they wanted. They said things like: “Can’t you do anything right?” “When are you going to learn?” Sometimes they’d just look and sound disappointed and sometimes they got angry and yelled.

Step 3: Can you see that, although the meaning you gave the events (your belief) is one logically valid interpretation, there are three of four others? Name a few other possible meanings for my behavior and mom and dad’s reaction to it.

Mom and dad’s annoyance at me when I didn’t live up to their expectations could have several meanings: Mom and dad thought mistakes and failure were bad, but they were wrong. Mistakes and failure were bad in my house; they might not have been bad in other households. Mom and dad didn’t understand that mistakes and failure can be great learning experiences and aren’t bad at all. Mom and dad got annoyed at me, not because mistakes and failure are bad, but because they had unreasonable expectations of me as a young child.

Step 4: After helping find several other interpretations, ask: Can you see that your interpretation (your belief) is not the truth, it is only a truth, one possible interpretation of several that explain the events? The answer usually will be, yes.

Yes. It is only a truth.

Step 5: Imagine being present during the earlier events where your belief was formed. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see [the words of the belief]? The answer usually will be, yes.

I did see it.

Step 6. Can you really “see” [the words of the belief]? If you can really “see” it, tell me what it looks like, the shape, color, and location?

I can’t see it. The belief was only in my mind, not in the world.

Step 7. Can you get that, although there certainly were consequences of mom and dad’s comments and behavior, it had no meaning? In other words, you don’t know anything for sure about mistakes and failure merely from how your parents responded to your behavior as a child, do you?

No, I don’t. The childhood events have no inherent meaning. Only the meaning I gave them.

Step 8. Say the words of the belief. … Does this statement still feel like the truth? The answer usually will be, no.

The belief is gone.

As always, don’t take my word for what I claim. I urge you to try the exercises I present in my posts so you can discover for yourself that they work and result in profound changes in people. To see the steps of this process in action and to eliminate the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, yourself, please go to: http://recreateyourlife.com/free/mistakes.php.

Try this and then let me know what results you produced. Tell me if your fear of taking action disappears.

What do you think about how our fear of failure beliefs stops us from acting? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

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(This post is an edited version of a post I wrote for Amex Open Forum on March 18, 2011.)

Evidence that beliefs determine behavior

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 23:50:44 +0000

I’ve been telling you for years that our beliefs determine our behavior and the only way to permanently change our behavior is to eliminate limiting beliefs. An article in Time (“The Optimism Bias,” June 6, pp 40-46) describes an experiment that demonstrates this point and shows the profound impact of beliefs and expectations on our behavior.

The problem with pessimistic expectations … is that they have the power to alter the future: negative expectations shape outcomes in a negative way. How do expectations change reality?

To answer this question, my colleague, cognitive neuroscientist Sara Bentsson, devised an experiment in which she manipulated positive and negative expectations of students while their brains were scanned and tested their performance on cognitive tasks.

To induce expectations of success, she primed college students with words such as smart, intelligent and clever just before asking them to perform a test. To induce expectations of failure, she primed them with words like stupid and ignorant. The students performed better after being primed with an affirmative message.

Examining the brain-imaging data, Bengtsson found that the students’ brains responded differently to the mistakes they made depending on whether they were primed with the word clever or the word stupid. When the mistake followed positive words, she observed enhanced activity in the anterior medial part of the prefrontal cortex (a region that is involved in self-reflection and recollection). However, when the participants were primed with the word stupid, there was no heightened activity after a wrong answer. It appears that after being primed with the word stupid, the brain expected to do poorly and did not show signs of surprise or conflict when it made an error.

A brain that doesn’t expect good results lacks a signal telling it, “Take notice—wrong answer!” These brains will fail to learn from their mistakes and are less likely to improve over time. Expectations become self-fulfilling by altering our performance and actions, which ultimately affects what happens in the future. (Emphasis added.)

If merely saying or hearing words like stupid and ignorant can produce a measurable negative change in someone’s behavior, imagine what impact beliefs like, Mistakes and failure are bad, I’m not good enough and I’m powerless will have on our behavior.

Positive and negative expectations can be formed solely by beliefs; they also can be formed by conditioning. For example, if you don’t do well at something a number of times, in addition to forming negative beliefs you also can get conditioned to “expect” to not do well in the future.

The implications for parenting

Moreover, this and other similar studies should be additional evidence for parents to realize that their most important job is helping their children to form positive beliefs about themselves, people, and life. (The parenting course created by my wife, Shelly, is the only one I know of that teaches parents how to do precisely that. For information about that course, go to http://www.parentingthelefkoeway.com.)

What do you think about how our beliefs affect our behavior? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

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How Making Distinctions Can Change Your Life

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 23:37:35 +0000

My post today is about “distinctions.” And why should you care about distinctions? Because most of the problems in your life today exist because of distinctions you failed to make earlier in your life. Moreover, the way to permanently eliminate those problems from your life is to make those distinctions now.

I’ve known for a long time that the act of creating something is dependent on making distinctions. But I now also see in a way that I never did before that the effectiveness of The Lefkoe Method results from its ability to help you make distinctions you haven’t made.

Creation is an act of distinction

First let me explain what I mean by creation results from an act of distinction. I first realized this when I heard a presentation by Werner Erhard over 30 years ago. Let’s do a little thought experiment he used to make real that making a distinction is an act of creation. Really do the exercise.

Imagine your hand expanding and expanding until it fills the universe, so that there is nothing in the universe but your hand. What happens to your hand? … If you actually do this exercise you will experience your hand disappearing. Why? … Because any “thing,” in order to exist, must have a not “it.

A hand is a palm and fingers with space around it. If there were nothing but hand, it would crease to exist because it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, any “thing” (or everything), without any distinctions, is nothing.

This is not only true for physical objects, it also is true for abstractions. In order for “up” to exist, there has to be a “down.” “Peace” requires “war.” If there were only peace all the time, the idea of peace, as distinct from war, could not exist.

So the existence of any specific thing requires the non-existence of that thing. This is what is meant by a “dualistic universe.”

Is it now clear that we create by distinguishing some “thing” from everything else?

Beliefs are caused by a failure to distinguish

Now let me explain my insight the other day when I realized that all the processes of The Lefkoe Method are based on making distinctions that had not been made earlier and most of our behavioral and emotional problems (which are caused primarily by negative beliefs and destructive conditioning) ultimately are the result of not making crucial distinctions earlier in life. Let me explain

Let’s start with the Lefkoe Belief Process. To begin with, most people have never distinguished their beliefs as the primary cause of their behavior and feelings. Moreover, when you form a belief you are not distinguishing between the events and the meaning you are giving the events; it seems to you as if you have discovered the meaning (the belief) in the world, which leads you to think the meaning is inherent in the events, which leads you to think you can “see” the meaning in the world.

A belief is eliminated for most people when they distinguish between the event and the meaning, which leads them to realize they cannot “see” the belief in the world, at which point they get that the meaning exists only in their mind and not in the world. Emotionally kinesthetic people eliminate the belief when they make a distinction between reality as the source of their feeling/belief and the meaning they gave reality as the source of their feeling/belief.

In other words, the belief got formed because we failed to make a distinction earlier in life and is eliminated today when we make that distinction. If we had made the appropriate distinction earlier between the event and the meaning we attributed to it, the belief never would have been formed.

Conditionings also are caused by a failure to distinguish

What is the role of distinctions in the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP)? Let’s use my ice cream story to explain how stimuli are conditioned to produce emotions and how the LStimP de-conditions those stimuli so that they no longer trigger those emotions.

Imagine you were being handed an ice cream cone with one hand while the other hand made a fist that looked as if it was going to hit you. What would you probably feel as you observed both the ice cream and the fist? … Probably some degree of anxiety. If this happened repeatedly, at some point the ice cream would get conditioned to produce anxiety even when there was no fist accompanying it.

A common example of this in real life is being criticized as a child by your parents, who usually got angry and yelled at you when they criticized you. The criticism as such did not produce anxiety; the meaning a child gives the yelling produced anxiety because, for children, yelling means parents are angry, which means they don’t love me any more, which means I could be abandoned, which means I could die. That is what causes the anxiety.

The principle is: anything that repeatedly accompanies something else that produces anxiety can itself easily get conditioned to produce anxiety … when we don’t distinguish between the stimulus actually causing the anxiety and the other stimulus that itself does not produce anxiety but that repeatedly accompanies something that does.

The LStimP works by making a distinction that you didn’t make earlier in life when the conditioning took place. You realize that the ice cream was never scary; the fear was caused by the fist and you now make a distinction between the two. Being criticized was never scary; the fear was caused by the meaning you gave your yelling parents and you now make a distinction between the two.

Other Lefkoe Method processes help you made distinctions

There are other Lefkoe Method processes, such as the Lefkoe Occurring Process, which dissolves the meaning we give current events, the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process, which de-conditions emotional eating, the Lefkoe Sense Process, which de-conditions a negative sense of life or sense of self, and the Lefkoe Expectation Process, which de-conditions negative expectations.

These processes work in much the same way as the Lefkoe Belief Process: they enable you to make distinctions today that hadn’t been made earlier in life. When the distinction is made, the belief, the sense, the occurring, the expectation, or the conditioning is eliminated, as are the problems they cause.

Yet more to come

A lot of research has been done in recent years that proves conclusively that the brain is plastic, meaning it can change up until death. And making new distinctions is what enables the brain to create new pathways and learn. I have a strong sense that a better understanding of “distinctions” will enable me to create additional processes to facilitate easy and permanent change.

What do you think about distinctions? Do you have any questions about why they are so important in understanding both why people get stuck and how to get them unstuck? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

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The Relationship Between Buddhism and The Lefkoe Method

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 22:38:43 +0000

About 20 years ago I had the opportunity to discuss my work (which was only a few years old at that point) with Dr. Larry Dossey, a pioneer in the mind-body and holistic health fields. I told him how the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) eliminated beliefs and how the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process seemed to help people get into an altered state of consciousness in which they experienced nothing was missing and anything was possible.

After discussing my work with me for a few minutes, Larry asked if I had studied Buddhism. I replied that I had read a little about it, but certainly was not a student of it. He then told me that I had “re-invented Buddhism.” I think what he meant by that was I had created a simple, practical process that was based on many of the tenets of Buddhism.

Does the Lefkoe Ocurring Process facilitate “witnessing”?

Last week I realized that my newest course—which teaches people how to distinguish between reality/events and the meaning we give those events, and then how to dissolve the meaning—also seems to have much in common with Buddhism.

The process of dissolving the meaning of events using the Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) seems to be diametrically opposed to the techniques Buddhists use: Buddhists say we should just “witness” the stream of thoughts and emotions and not do anything about them. I on the other hand suggest you actively dissolve them. Witnessing is supposed to be a passive state while the use of the LOP is a very active process. But the purpose of the two seems to be the same: to get to the point where you have detached from the events and can “witness” them without giving them any meaning.

And because meaningless events can’t cause you to feel anything, because only the meaning you have attributed to them causes feelings, when you merely witness events without giving them any meaning there are virtually no feelings. (Sometimes conditioning causes feelings, but this is a relatively small source of our feelings. And obviously, a real perceived threat to our survival would cause fear.)

In fact, people in my Lefkoe Occurring Courses have discovered that by the end of the course you actually stop giving meaning to most events and are able to quickly and easily dissolve the few meanings you do create. At which point you merely “witness” the events in front of you.

The value of being able to witness

What is the value of being able to observe events without meaning and emotions? As Ken Wilbur put it during an interview: “The better able you are to witness, the better able you are to embrace life fully, because there is no fear.”

And as one of the participants in the current course put it:

Dissolving the meaning does not mean that you give up your option to have and maintain an opinion about an event. It just gives you the freedom to think more clearly and objectively about the issue, and then the freedom to choose your own opinion based on “clear-headed” ideas that are not clouded by strong, usually negative emotions that limit your ability to see the possibilities clearly. This process then allows you to live the life that you choose, act the way that you deliberately and consciously desire, rather than to be tossed around in a sea of limiting and negative emotions and beliefs that tend to be so pervasive and overwhelming to most of us much of the time.

I found a short description of the witness state on the Internet that gets at the heart of it. (http://scienceofenergyhealing.com/developing-the-witness-observer/)

The witness/observer is basically a “persona” within you that is not identifying with what is going on. It’s just noticing what’s happening. It’s response is always one of curiosity. Another part of your mind might be judging or labeling the experience—the favorite one being “This is bad”—but the witness/observer perceives everything from the premise of allowing and trust in a good universe. It’s an open mental stance, not closed or contracted. In Buddhism, developing the witness/observer is a foundational piece of their teachings. …

When we give meanings to meaningless events that lead to “negative” emotions such as anxiety and anger, the body secrets stress chemicals that cause inflammation, the major cause of degenerative diseases and aging. By using the witness/observer with its innocence, openness and trust, we can sail through adversity in a healthier way.

The results produced by The Lefkoe Method

So the LBP helps people permanently rid themselves of specific illusions (beliefs) they have about themselves, people, and life. The WAIR? Process helps them experience themselves as the space in which their life shows up—as the creator of their life, not merely the creation. And the Lefkoe Occurring Process helps people to easily witness events without the meaning and emotions that usually accompany our observation of events.

Maybe The Lefkoe Method is a practical Buddhism for our time.

I still haven’t read much about Buddhism so some of what I’ve attributed to Buddhism in this post might not be accurate. If you are more familiar with it tell me what you think. What are the similarities and the differences between The Lefkoe Method and Buddhism? Please post your comments below.

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Attract Money Now

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 22:23:05 +0000

If you are a reader of my weekly blog, you probably are interested primarily in

personal/spiritual growth, by which I mean improving the quality of your life and/or becoming more spiritual,
achieving more success, by which I mean earning more money or having an abundance of wealth in your life.

Negative, limiting beliefs are a barrier to both goals, but I usually tend to write more about the first goal. Today I want to focus more on the second one.

Over the weekend I read a book by Joe Vitale, a friend of mine and one of the people I love spending time with at our twice-a-year Transformational Leadership Council meetings. Because he has written a lot about the Law of Attraction and was one of the teachers in The Secret, I expected his book, Attract Money Now, to focus mainly on how to attract money merely by having positive emotions about abundance.

As I’ve written before, I think there is something to the Law of Attraction, but I don’t think that merely focusing on something, with emotion, is enough to have it show up in your life.

So I was pleasantly surprised. I not only enjoyed reading the short (160 pages) book, I think it just might be the best book I’ve ever read on exactly what you need to do to create abundance in your life.

The first step is getting rid of negative, limiting beliefs

As you might imagine, if I liked the book so much Joe must talk of the importance of beliefs, which he does. The first of the seven steps to financial abundance that he describes is “Alter How You Think.” He writes, “Limiting beliefs are like thieves in the night. The first step to attracting money is to change your thoughts and address these underlying limiting beliefs.” (Emphasis added.) Although he doesn’t mention the Lefkoe Belief Process in that chapter, he does list my work as a reference in the back of the book.

By the way, one of the reasons we no longer promote a package of abundance beliefs is that getting rid of limiting beliefs is necessary, but not sufficient, to achieving abundance in your life. We like to guarantee results and we couldn’t guarantee that you would increase your wealth merely by eliminating the five beliefs in the package, so we withdrew it. We now provide it only on request and after explaining that it doesn’t carry a guarantee like our other automated programs.

Joe also recognizes that eliminating beliefs is not enough, so he presents six other crucial steps.

One of these other steps explains that one way to change your mindset about money is to give without any expectation of return. Such action implies a mindset of abundance. Being afraid to give implies a mindset of scarcity. And your mindset is crucial to achieving financial abundance.

In Step 4 Joe points out the importance of asking for help, both from the universe and from specific people. He urges people to form or join a Mastermind Group, which is a group of several people with varying backgrounds who meet regularly to support each other. In fact, he was so convincing that I decided that I would either join one or form one of my own by the end of this month.

Why “adding” emotion to your images of the future is important

The way he described another one of the steps gave me an insight I had never had before. He, like so many others, talks about the importance of imagining the desired result and making it as emotionally real as possible. When others have told me this before, it sounded a little “airy fairy” and I couldn’t see why adding emotion to a vision would help make it come true.

But Joe makes the point that “You are telling your mind to pay attention to the avenues and opportunities that will help you meet these goals. Does this mean these opportunities don’t exist. No. It just means your mind filters them out because you haven’t told it these opportunities are important. … You’re telling yourself that these opportunities are important so it [your mind] should sit up and take notice.”

In other words, by getting emotionally excited about a future state of affairs, you are telling the mind to notice any opportunities for achieving that future state. It then seems as if new opportunities are being created by your emotional state, when, in fact, they aren’t being created, but noticed.

The importance of action

I especially like the fact that Joe emphasizes the importance of action: “You can’t just sit there thinking positive thoughts without DOING anything to turn around your finances. You must take immediate inspired action, and come up with a new plan and work it. … This isn’t a magic formula; it’s practical advice with no nonsense.”

If you aren’t familiar with Joe’s work, he is a spiritual teacher and Internet marketer extraordinaire who really is committed to help people reach their goals.

Joe’s book is available free at http://attractmoneynow.com. If you are interested in more financial abundance in your life, there is no better place to start. But be prepared to take action and follow each step in Joe’s seven-step program. Merely reading the book will accomplish nothing.

For information about our package of five beliefs that can serve as barriers to financial abundance, please call us at 415-884-0552.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly

Get Into An Altered State of Consciousness in Minutes

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 22:49:33 +0000

It usually requires years of meditation (or an uncontrollable “bolt from the blue”) to experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being). Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) assists people to make that shift in less than 20 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter.

For the first 10 years or so after I created the LBP in 1985, the only thing I was aware the Process did was eliminate beliefs. And that was more than enough for me! I eliminated scores of my own beliefs and made many fundamental changes in my life. I also helped friends and referrals from friends eliminate beliefs and entire problems, and found a way to apply a variation of the Process in organizations to change employees’ behavior by changing their beliefs about their jobs.

Then one weekend I took a course in meditation that was presented by an associate of psychologist Lawrence LeShan. By Sunday afternoon I realized that the LBP seemed to be getting people into a “spiritual” state similar to that of deep meditation.

Over the next few months I tried to determine if there really was a “state shift” after a belief was eliminated. At some point I started asking clients several questions to see if they noticed feeling different and, if so, what was the difference.

Three of the questions included:

Is there anything missing?
What’s possible?
What limitations do you have?

How is The Shift in Identity Experienced?

I discovered that most of my clients said they experienced that nothing was missing, anything was possible, and they had no limitations. When I asked them to describe this experience in their own words, I heard: powerful, serene, calm, peaceful, whole, complete, satisfied, empowered, nothing missing, no limitations and unlimited possibilities.

Asking them the same questions before doing the LBP got totally different responses. Clients described various things they thought were missing from their lives; many said that a lot was possible to them, but certainly not anything; all described various limitations they experienced at the moment.

At some point I figured out what part of the process seemed to be most responsible for the shift. After a belief had been eliminated, I asked the client: “Is it real you created your beliefs.” The answer was usually, yes. Then I asked: “Is it real now that your life has been consistent with your beliefs?” The answer again was usually, yes. Finally I asked: “If you create the beliefs that create your life, what does that make you?” The answer usually was: The creator of my life (or words to that effect).

I realized at one point that the clients who experienced anything was possible and no limitations had already made a shift in identity. Whenever people described limitations, I realized that the shift had not occurred.

To insure that every client experienced that shift in identity from merely a physical being to also a spiritual being, I added some material after the belief had been eliminated. This material got clients to explicitly distinguish/create themselves as the creator of their lives so that they knew it, not as something to be understood or even experienced, but as something they experienced almost as natural knowing. After I did that, almost everybody made the shift.

For many years I used the term “creator space” to describe the spiritual state the client got into and called this new material, the “creator space process.” Because I wanted the name of the process to more accurately describe what the process is all about, at some point I renamed the process “Who am I Really?” (WAIR?). You experience the answer to that question when you complete this short process.

The Lefkoe Belief Process Combines the Best of Psychotherapy and Spiritual Practices

At some point I realized that the LBP was unique in that it combined the best of psychotherapy and spiritual practices.

Most psychotherapists try to help clients deal with reality more effectively. In other words, most clients in therapy have a hard time dealing with some aspect of reality, and experience depression, anxiety, anger, procrastination, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, relationship problems, etc. So the various forms of psychotherapy use different techniques to eliminate these problems so that clients are able to deal with reality more effectively and have happier lives.

Most spiritual practices, on the other hand, attempt to help people experience themselves as a spiritual being and realize that they are not merely physical bodies living in a material world. The goal is to deeply experience that “We are spiritual beings having a physical human experience.”

So there are “two of us”: a “creation,” the human physical being, which is experienced as one’s body, thoughts, behavior, and feelings. This physical being is born, lives a while, and dies. There is also a “creator”—the consciousness, energy, spiritual being—that is timeless, always was and always will be. While most disciplines deal with one or the other, the LBP deals with both.

First, the LBP enables people to eliminate the beliefs that cause their thoughts, behavior and feelings. As a result they are better able to deal with reality and they experience new possibilities as a result of not being limited in life by crippling beliefs. Their “creation” changes and people experience the difference in their internal thoughts and feelings and they observe a difference in their behavior.

Second, the LBP enables people to distinguish and then experience themselves (not merely know intellectually) on a deep, profound level that they are not merely a creation, that who they really are is the creator of the creation. It is a profoundly spiritual experience.

To have that experience yourself, eliminate one belief free at http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free. The process there includes the WAIR? material at the end.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Did You Have Wonderful Parents?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 24 May 2011 19:49:36 +0000

Perhaps the single most common question I get from people who are using the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate beliefs is: “Why do you say that all of our self-esteem beliefs were formed in early interactions with our parents? I had great parents. My beliefs about myself weren’t formed until later in life.”

I wrote a post last year explaining why parents are almost always the source of our self-esteem beliefs. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/031610/. But there are additional reasons why people might think their parents’ behavior has nothing to do with their beliefs that I didn’t cover in that post.

To begin with, the beliefs you form in childhood as a result of interactions with your parents are not always the result of “bad” or abusive behavior. Negative self-esteem beliefs can be formed just as easily when parents withdraw from their children as when they yell at or punish their children. And withdrawing is not as obviously “bad” as punishment.

Other parental behavior that causes negative self-esteem beliefs is anything that results in you feeling guilty—because you think you’ve treated your parents badly. What type of person must you be to treat your parents badly? … I’m not good enough. I’m bad. I’m not deserving.

Imagine that you don’t do what your parents want you to do and their response makes you feel guilty, because they do so many wonderful things for you and you won’t do what they want you to do for them. If you then get yelled at, spanked, or punished, you might well experience your parents’ behavior as appropriate—not as “negative behavior.”

I remember one client who told me early on that his parents were wonderful people who never did anything that could have led to negative beliefs. Shortly afterwards he mentioned that he was spanked on a regular basis. When I said that the spanking might well have been the source of several of his beliefs, he protested and replied: “But I was bad. I deserved to be spanked. My parents didn’t do anything wrong.”

In cultures where parents aren’t around a lot, where fathers have little to do with child rearing, where physical punishment is common, and where comparisons with others and negative criticism are the norm, you might well think that your childhood was “normal,” and could not possibly be the source of negative beliefs.

Although your childhood might have been “typical,” it certainly was not “normal.”

To learn several other reasons why 99% of our self-esteem beliefs are formed in childhood as a result of interactions with our parents, see my earlier blog post if you haven’t already read it. And if you are a parent, read it again to learn what not to do to keep your children from forming the negative beliefs you probably formed in your childhood. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/031610/.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about the source of your beliefs. Please write your comments below.

For information about Shelly Lefkoe’s excellent course on parenting, which is based upon her 20 years of experience as a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator, and that helps parents raise children with a minimum of negative limiting beliefs, please go to: http://parentingthelefkoeway.com.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Are You Happy With Who You Turned Out To Be?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 17 May 2011 19:36:38 +0000

For most of my life I didn’t want to be me. I was so unhappy with my life that being almost anyone else would have been preferable to being me. For many years I wanted to be Fred Astaire, because I loved the joyful, bright sense of life he projected, an experience that I rarely felt.

Today is my birthday and I am 74 years young. I feel and look at least a decade younger than my chronological age. And today I am happy to be me and wouldn’t consider being anyone else.

What is the source of this dramatic shift?

Getting rid of all the beliefs and conditionings that led me to be depressed and unhappy most of the time. And then learning how to stop giving meaning to the daily events in my life. Today I experience myself as the creator of my life almost all the time and I’ve stopped giving meaning to events most of the time, which has almost totally eliminated stress from my life. I’ve stopped seeking; I know I’m already there. I feel anything is possible and that I have no limitations. I experience virtually all my circumstances as okay just the way they are.

Why am sharing this with you?

Because what I did to reach this state is available to you too. Anyone (including you, yes, even you!) can experience a sense of wholeness, feeling totally okay with the way you are, and that you are the creator of your life. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time and it isn’t very expensive.

Please don’t give up your dream of a life of joy and success. I was about as low as you can get and I’ve now reached a state of total satisfaction with my life. You can too. Don’t wait until your 74^th birthday to be truly happy with your life.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about overcoming all your barriers and living a life of true bliss. Please write your comments below.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How To Change “Human Nature”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:57:00 +0000

Are you bothered by a psychological problem that you aren’t even trying to get rid of because you think it’s “human nature” and can’t be eliminated? If so, you aren’t alone.

For example, Seth Godin recently published his 13^th book, Poke the Box, that explains most people’s failure to take action by claiming that people have to overcome their natural resistance in order to take action. His Domino Project also published a book by Steve Pressfield, Do the Work, that also emphasized how resistance is the single biggest barrier to creativity and innovation, and it includes tips on how to fight this demon that lurks within each of us.

There are a number of psychological traits that are so common that most people consider them to be inherent in human beings. Don’t all people experience:

resistance to change?
fear of making a mistake or failing?
fear of rejection?
a concern with the opinion of others?
anger if you don’t get your way?

It is understandable that few people seek help to deal with these feelings. So many people have them that they are considered to be part of being human. In fact, however, they are not inherent in human nature at all. All these psychological responses are the result of beliefs and conditioning formed early in our lives. Thus, all can be totally eliminated when the relevant beliefs and conditionings are eliminated.

The beliefs and conditionings that cause these psychological responses

First let me list some of the beliefs and conditionings that cause the psychological responses listed above; then I’ll explain why they are so common as to be considered “human nature.”

I’m not good enough.
I’m inadequate.
I’m not capable.
I’m not competent.
Nothing I do is good enough.
Mistakes and failure are bad.
If I make a mistake I’ll be rejected.
What makes me good enough and important is having others think well of me.
What makes me good enough and important is doing things perfectly.
I’m powerless.
I can’t make it on my own.
The way to be in control is to have things be exactly the way I want them to be.

In addition to these beliefs, many people have been conditioned to feel some level of fear

whenever they are rejected,
when they don’t live up to the expectations of others, or
when they are criticized or judged.

These conditionings also contribute to the common psychological responses listed above.

Imagine someone to have these beliefs and to experience fear whenever these three situations occur. Doesn’t it seem obvious that they probably would have some if not all of the psychological traits listed above? Now imagine that tens of millions of people had these beliefs and conditionings. Wouldn’t it seem reasonable to assume that everyone was just born with them?

The source of these beliefs and conditionings

Now let’s take a look at why these psychological responses (and the beliefs and conditionings that cause them) are so common.

The basic beliefs that underlie these common psychological traits were almost always formed in childhood, in our interactions with our parents. Here’s how it happens.

As little kids we are always asking “why?”. Sometimes we ask our parents to explain things to us, and sometimes we ask ourselves, “Why am I being treated like this? Why is my life like this?” We answer these questions for ourselves (unconsciously) during the first few years of life. Because our parents are the people who we spend most of our waking hours with, they are involved in most of the experiences that lead to our fundamental beliefs.

And what are those experiences in most households? Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet. Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them. Etc.

In other words, most parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

The question is not, do children frequently “disobey” their parents? Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and physical abuse, with every possibility in between.

Virtually all of us have lots of negative self beliefs

Parenthetically, it is important to recognize that our behavioral and emotional problems later in life are not our parents’ fault. By that I mean we are not affected by our parents’ behavior after we grow up and leave the house. They are no longer in our lives in the same way. What does cause resistance to taking action, fear of rejection, etc.? The meaning we gave our parents’ behavior, which became our beliefs.

I think there are two primary reasons why the source of self beliefs is always interactions with parents as a young child and not people or events later in life. First, as children we depend on them for our very survival; on some level we feel that we have to be able to trust them to survive. Second, as adults, they seem to know how to navigate reality and we know we can’t. (What do all kids say? “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to ….”) So they must know what they are doing and their behavior must be “correct.” If I don’t like how I’m treated, it must be my fault.

The source of specific self beliefs

Here is the common source of a few negative self-esteem beliefs.

If I trust my parents and they must know what they are doing, and if they are angry with me, it must be my fault. I’m not good enough.
If I can’t get them to spend the time with me that I want or if they are physically around but not paying attention to me, it must be my fault. I’m not important.
If I can’t get them to give me what I want most of the time, it must be my fault. I’m not worthy or deserving.
If my parents make all the decisions that affect my life and I have little say, I feel powerless. I’m powerless.

Is it clear now that the devastating psychological traits that are considered to be human nature are, in fact, the result of beliefs and conditionings caused by a typical childhood?

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about what is human nature and what can be changed. Please write your comments below.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Why Do People Have Prejudice?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 03 May 2011 00:01:43 +0000

Just as we in 21^st Century America look back at cultural practices of years gone by with a combination of repulsion and amazement, future generations probably will look back at the prejudice that runs rampant in the world today with similar reactions.

Just as it is almost impossible for us to understand the Roman thinking that feeding people to lions is a spectator sport, in a few years people will try to understand why millions of otherwise sane individuals would consider some people “less than” others because of the color of their skin, their ethnicity, or their sexual preference.

Rather than wait for future generations to try to figure out what made the widespread prejudice possible in the early days of the 21^st century, let me offer one possible explanation while we are living in the middle of it.

All attitudes are the result of beliefs

Because our beliefs are the primary determinant of what we do and feel, and even what we perceive, all prejudice can be traced to beliefs.

People who are convinced that African-Americans, or Muslims, or gays are not as good as them (usually white heterosexual Americans) are expressing their beliefs about those people. (Actually, many people in those groups have similar feelings about white heterosexual Americans.)

A belief is a statement about reality that we experience as the truth. It is a fact about reality for the person who holds the belief. So when we hold a belief about something, we are convinced that we know the truth about that something.

But, in fact, no belief describes the truth about reality. Without exception, all beliefs are nothing more than arbitrary interpretations of actual events in reality. Physical objects and events certainly occur in the world, but the meaning we give the events exists only in our minds, not in the world.

How prejudicial beliefs are formed

A few years ago Leeza Gibbons devoted the entire hour of her daytime talk show to an investigation of the causes and cures for prejudice. I had been on the show before talking about how beliefs cause most of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, so she asked me to come back to discuss the relationship between beliefs and racial prejudice.

Before the show we went into the audience looking for a volunteer who would acknowledge having prejudice and who also would like to get rid of it if possible. We found Chad, a young man in his mid-20s, who said that he was “prejudice against any ethnic group, the way they act and the things that they do.” After getting rid the primary belief that caused that feeling before the show started, he announced during the show to a nationwide audience that the feeling he had when he started, he didn’t have any more.

Let me tell you about the conversation I had with Chad before the Leeza show went on the air.

When we started the conversation he had told me that he felt that members of ethnic minorities, especially African-Americans, couldn’t be trusted. So I asked him: “What do you believe about these people that would have you not trust them?”

He answered: “Blacks are dangerous.” (He used the word “Blacks”; I used the word “African-American.” Moreover, there probably were additional beliefs, but this was one the most relevant.)

I replied: “It’s clear that anyone with your belief would feel the way you do. But you didn’t have that belief when you were a year or so old. What happened that led you to that conclusion?”

“When I was 10 my dad took us to the gun cabinet and said we had his permission to kill a Black if he stepped on our property. Areas where Blacks lived were very dangerous—a lot of crime and killing. The news was full of it. Most of our friends had the same negative attitudes about Blacks. I heard this constantly at home and at school. I also remember driving my car once and saw a Black man get into an accident that was clearly his fault.”

How prejudicial beliefs can be eliminated

I said to Chad: “Your belief about African-Americans—that they are dangerous—is one explanation for what you saw and heard as a child. What else could the same events mean?”

Here’s what he answered:

“What my father and others said might have been true of some Blacks, but not all of them.”

“Some Blacks are … (almost anything) just like some whites are … (almost anything).”

“The behavior I heard attributed to Blacks is true of some people from every race, not just Blacks.”

“Because what people say is a function of their beliefs, and do not necessarily reflect the truth, the fact that some parents, families, or friends have negative thoughts about Blacks doesn’t mean that those thoughts are true, only that they believe it. Had they had different childhoods with people telling them different things, they wouldn’t have the beliefs they do and they would be saying just the opposite.”

It was immediately clear to Chad that his beliefs about African-Americans were only one arbitrary interpretation of what he had heard about African-Americans as a child, and not the truth.

I then asked him: “Didn’t it seem as if you could see African-Americans are dangerous when your father and friends talked about the crime and the killings in African-American neighborhoods?”

“I did see it,” he replied. “Anyone would have seen it.”

“Okay, if you could see it, tell me what does ‘African-Americans are dangerous’ look like,” I asked.

“Well, it looks people getting robbed or killed in Black neighborhoods.”

“Yes,” I said, “you could see that, or hear people tell you about that. But that fact could have a lot of different meanings. You just gave me four of them. I want to know what ‘African-Americans are dangerous’ looks like.”

After a moment’s reflection he replied, “Now I understand what you mean. I can’t see ‘Blacks are dangerous’. I now realize I only saw certain people saying things to me. My beliefs about Blacks are interpretations that exist only in my mind. I made them up. They have nothing to do with reality.”

It was after this short interaction with me that Chad announced on national TV that his prejudice was gone.

The prejudice that exists today against Muslims, African-Americans, gays, or any other group is based on beliefs that are nothing more than arbitrary meanings we gave to a series of events (9/11, what we read in the newspaper, what we were told by parents, what lots of other people already believe, etc.). The beliefs are not facts. They are not the truth.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about having and getting rid of prejudice. Please write your comments below.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How To Find The Beliefs Underlying Your Problems

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 00:01:23 +0000

Many of you have written to me saying you understand how to eliminate a belief, but you don’t know how to find the specific beliefs that cause specific problems. You’ve asked when we are going to offer a training class that will teach you how to do that.

The first training class we will offer in a couple of months will teach you how to eliminate beliefs when you already know what they are. The second course to be offered shortly thereafter will teach you how to find the relevant beliefs for different problems.

In the meantime, however, I wanted to support you as best I could by giving you a few tips to tide you over until the course is available. If you follow the instructions given below, you will be able to find at least some of the beliefs that cause specific problems.

Interestingly enough, getting rid of a limiting belief with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) is a lot easier to do than finding the relevant beliefs in the first place. As you already know, we have created an on-line process and DVDs that eliminate specific beliefs. We still do not know how to automate the process of finding the relevant beliefs.

The trickiest aspect of the LBP is identifying all the relevant beliefs (and conditionings) that cause a given problem.

The number of beliefs can vary

Some patterns like phobias can be eliminated by getting rid of one belief and one conditioning. One client had a fear of small bugs, insects, or rats. It was totally caused by one conditioning: Fear associated with being touched by small insects or animals. When that was de-conditioned, the fear was gone. Another client had a fear of dogs. She had the belief: Dogs are dangerous and the conditioning: fear associated with dogs. When they were gone, the client said she felt comfortable with dogs, unless they were barking. We then discovered and eliminated the belief: barking dogs are dangerous. Then her fear of dogs was totally gone.

Other patterns like depression and eating disorders can have upwards of 30-40 beliefs (in addition to conditionings, senses, and expectations). These patterns can have as many as 15 negative self-esteem-type beliefs, along with negative beliefs about life, such as life is difficult. Emotional eating has several different causes, including both self-esteem and eating beliefs and a unique type of conditioning.

Many patterns share a lot of the same beliefs

If you eliminate all the beliefs that usually cause a lack of confidence (the 19 beliefs and 4 conditionings in our Natural Confidence program), you also will be eliminating all the beliefs that cause several other problems, such as procrastination, social anxiety, fear of rejection, seeking approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads. These other problems have fewer beliefs and conditionings (as few as 6 beliefs and 3 conditionings for fear of rejection) and different combinations of them.

So how can you figure out what beliefs cause different problems? The first step is just to figure out logically what beliefs could cause the problem.

For example, if you aren’t able to create a lasting, nurturing romantic relationship, you probably have beliefs about yourself, the opposite sex, and relationships. What do you think they are? … Logical possibilities include: I’m not loveable, women/men can’t be trusted, and relationships don’t work.

If you are afraid to take chances, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … Mistakes and failure are bad. I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough.

And if you’re an approval junkie, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … I’m not good enough. I’m not important. What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.

The best technique for finding beliefs

The best single technique for finding the relevant beliefs is to notice what you are thinking and feeling as the problem occurs. They will be a clue to the underlying beliefs. For example, if the overall problem is social anxiety—not feeling comfortable with people in social situations—then when meeting someone at a party you might notice yourself thinking: I don’t feel comfortable when people are putting their attention on me. And you might be aware of an anxious feeling as if something bad is going to happen. Two beliefs that “go with” those thoughts are: Something bad will happen if people put their attention on me and I’m not good enough. A conditioning that could account for the feeling is: fear associated with people focusing on me.

Ultimately, experience is the best way to find all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. The more you do it, the easier it will become. (As I mentioned in a recent post, a negative sense of self and life, along with negative expectations, sometimes have to be eliminated before an undesirable behavior or feeling is totally gone.)

My vision

My vision is to have The Lefkoe Method so thoroughly incorporated into the culture that everyone learns the relationship between beliefs and behavior at an early age and also learns how to help others eliminate beliefs and change behavior. I also want parents to know the child-rearing techniques that minimize the number of crippling beliefs their children form.

An experience my wife Shelly had a few years ago symbolizes the way I envision how the world will utilize TLM in the future. She went to the gym and got on the Stairmaster. A couple of minutes later a friend of hers who she hadn’t seen for a few months got on the machine next to her. Shelly asked her friend how she was doing. The friend told Shelly about some relationship difficulties she was having.

What would most women do in a situation like this? … Empathize with their friend’s predicament and give some advice. Shelly empathized but didn’t give any advice. Instead she helped her friend identify three of the most relevant beliefs that were responsible for the relationship difficulty and then helped her friend eliminate them all … in 45 minutes. As a result, the friend had the possibility for a good long-term, nurturing relationship that she didn’t have before talking to Shelly.

Let’s create this world

Can you imagine a world in which it was commonplace for everyone to be able to do that for everyone else? That’s my vision and what my life is dedicated to creating.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts (see the Twitter and Facebook buttons at the top of this post) with anyone you think might be interested.

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You Can Get Rid Of Your Depression

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 23:12:29 +0000

It is possible to permanently eliminate your depression.

The purpose of this post is to assure those of you who are feeling depressed (or who know anyone who is depressed) that it is possible to get rid of it totally. I was depressed for about 30 years, so much so that I thought of suicide frequently. I haven’t felt anywhere near depressed for over 15 years. If I can do it, you can too.

Depression is ultimately the result of feeling hopeless and helpless. It is experienced as an overwhelming sense of despair. Unfortunately, this mental disorder is very prevalent, with estimates that almost one in six Americans will experience depression in their lifetime. Moreover, many people whose symptoms are not serious enough to be classified as chronically depressed still experience bouts of despair that they are unable to shake for days on end.

There are some people who claim that depression is chemical and that the brain of depressed people is actually different than the brain of normal people. A study conducted a few years ago did show that MRIs of depressed people were different from the MRIs of “normal” people. The study went on to describe, however, how after a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy the brains looked the same. In other words, it is more likely that the mental state caused the changed brain state than an abnormal brain state produced depression.

Luckily, depression, like most mental problems, is the result of beliefs and conditionings, all of which can be eliminated by the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).

The following is a list of some beliefs that clients with depression have identified and eliminated. Can you see that almost anyone with most of these beliefs would have to feel depressed, at least to some extent?

If someone didn’t have any of these beliefs and, instead, held their opposite—such as “I control my life, not other people or circumstances” “My life is whatever I make it,” “I am good enough, important, and deserving”—could they possibly feel depressed?

Say each of the following beliefs out loud. If any of them resonate with you, it’s a belief you hold. Even though you may have held it since you were a child, and even if you’ve tried a number of ways to get rid of it, LBP can assist you to eliminate it.

Typical beliefs that underlie depression

I’m powerless.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not deserving.
I’m inadequate.
I’m not important.
I’m worthless.
I’m not lovable.
Who I am is not okay.
I have no value.
There’s something wrong with me.
Happiness doesn’t last.
It’s not safe to be myself.
Life is hard, painful, a struggle, and stressful.
Being responsible is a burden.
I have to be perfect or people won’t accept me.
I can’t have what I want.
I don’t matter.

Ruth eliminated her life-long depression

Ruth Bonomo of Westport, CT, who used the LBP to eliminate many beliefs like these, described how she totally ended her life-long depression:

“I used to walk around enclosed in a veil of depression, fear, and self-loathing. I was always at the edge of the pit, ready to jump in and relinquish responsibility for my life and how it was turning out. I was on the verge of abandoning my family when my son became ill. After he spent several days in the hospital I realized I better get myself together; this kid needed and deserved me and I needed to be a responsible parent.

“I found Shelly Lefkoe and the Lefkoe Belief Process. Immediately I began to shed emotional pounds. It was as if I had been running around on an exercise wheel in a hamster cage my whole life, and now I was free.

“Now I experience my emotions very differently. I’m not at the effect of them; I just have them. I get to feel all my emotions without having to worry about the pit. The most remarkable thing I’ve gained from eliminating beliefs with the Lefkoe Belief Process is self-love and acceptance. Now that I love myself, I am much less judgmental of others. I no longer worry about who I am and what people think of me. Everything is easier to deal with. The problems of life are still there, but I experience them without the drama and feeling that the world is coming to an end.”

When people are feeling depressed it feels like there is no way out and never will be. It feels like there is not much point in doing anything because nothing will make any difference. There isn’t even motivation to try to get better because it feels like nothing will help, like you will be stuck like this forever.

Psychotherapists have used The Lefkoe Method successfully

Margaret Carter, M.A., Family Therapist, said the following about using The Lefkoe Method to treat depression:

“I have used The Lefkoe Method numerous times in my practice for depression. In one such case the client had life-long depression and had made several prior attempts at counseling, to no avail.

“The client’s behaviors were self-destructive and self-limiting, and self-esteem was very low.

“After using The Lefkoe Method the client reported increased self-esteem, peace of mind, relief—for the first time in life—from depression, and expanded maturation and hope.

“The Lefkoe Method can be life transforming. It also meets our great need for an effective, brief therapy.”

Please forward this post to anyone you know who suffers from depression. Let them know that they don’t need to suffer any longer.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about having and getting rid of depression. Please write your comments below.

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Don’t Just Reduce Your Problem, Eliminate It

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 23:09:30 +0000

A friend of mine who has been a teacher in, and a student of, the personal growth business for over 25 years called me the other day for help.

He seemed to be sabotaging himself in a project that he thought could make a profound difference in people’s lives. The problem seemed to be that in order to move it forward he might have to hire some people and actually start a business. In other words, he’d have to “become a businessman.” He didn’t want to do that—and that led us to the root of the problem.

He discovered a bunch of negative beliefs he had about running a business and making money—as distinct from contributing to people and making a difference in their lives, which is all he’s wanted to do for most of his life. (He had run several businesses earlier in his life and, while successful, his experience had been deeply unsatisfying.)

As I named some beliefs that could account for his self-sabotage, he said: “I’ve been working on these beliefs for over 25 years. But something is still there. It’s like the beliefs are ropes that started with over a hundred strands and are now down to the last one or two. The beliefs you just mentioned still seem a little bit true.”

I realized at that moment one of the crucial differences between The Lefkoe Method (TLM) and most other personal growth disciplines (including most psychotherapies) is that the latter frequently attempt to improve your situation while TLM is committed to totally eliminating your problem, by getting rid of all the beliefs and conditionings that cause a problem.

For example, we ask clients with a fear of public speaking to rate their fear on a scale from 1-10, one being no fear at all and 10 being terror. People who rate their fear from 8-10 often say they would be happy to reduce their fear to below a 5 level. Nonetheless, we offer a money-back guarantee that the fear will be eliminated, in other words, reduced to no more than a “2,” which is barely noticeable and that has no adverse impact on them at all.

So if you work on a problem long enough using other disciplines, you probably can reduce its impact on you. But the problem is unlikely to disappear completely until you eliminate the real source of the problem: all the relevant beliefs and conditionings.

In last week’s post I explained how beliefs are formed and what it takes to eliminate them totally, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/eliminate-beliefs-good/. Anything less than that and some sense that the belief still is true (a few strands of the rope) probably will remain.

At best, if you try to get rid of the relevant beliefs by trying to convince yourself that the beliefs are illogical and self-defeating, you will not succeed if you still think you “saw” them in the world and you still think that repeatedly feeling your beliefs means they must be true.

At worst, if you try to get rid of a problem without even attempting to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that are the primary cause of the problem, the problem might be reduced somewhat, but it’s unlikely to disappear.

In either case, the last “couple of stands” will continue to affect you in major or subtle ways.

I don’t know that TLM is the only technique that completely and permanently eliminates the beliefs that cause the problems that undercut your happiness and success in life. But if you are looking for a solution to your problems, make sure you find one that promises to permanently and completely eliminate it, not merely one that claims to reduce it.

Please let me know with a comment below what your experience has been in minimizing problems versus eliminating them.

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How You Can Eliminate Beliefs For Good

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 22:32:17 +0000

Most of the techniques that proclaim to permanently eliminate long-held beliefs don’t work. Why? And what do the successful techniques do that make them successful?

In order to understand precisely what it takes to get rid of beliefs, you need to understand how we form beliefs.

Because our survival as human beings is always at stake (even though our spiritual being is eternal), we have a built in survival mechanism that has us constantly asking about everything we encounter: Good for me or bad for me? Conducive to my survival or inimical to my survival? In other words, we are constantly appraising everything we come in contact with and asking (unconsciously): What does this mean?

As children we want to know why mom and dad (on whom our lives depend) are angry with us, or why they aren’t around when we want them, or why we can never seem to please them. For most kids between the ages of two and six, the answers to these three questions usually are: Mistakes and failure are bad. I’m not important. I’m not good enough.

Here’s how the beliefs are formed

After asking ourselves: What do these events mean?—we then “make up” one possible meaning. And then we “attribute” that meaning to the events, after which it seems as if the meaning is inherent in the events. In other words, it then seems to us as if we discovered the meaning in the events.

Because the overwhelming majority of people are “visual”—in other words, they know reality based on what they can “see”—they know their beliefs are true because they think they can see them in the world. Once you think you can see something, logic will never talk you out of what you think you have seen “out there.”

Let’s apply what I’ve just explained about how beliefs are formed to the most common belief people have, I’m not good enough. Mom and dad want quiet. Young kids are rarely quiet. Mom and dad want the house to be neat. Kids are rarely neat. Mom and dad want to serve dinner when it’s ready and leave the house when they are ready to leave the house. Kids are busy playing and doing what they want to do; mealtime and leaving the house are not always a priority for them. As a result, many times each day children do not live up to their parents’ expectations.

At best parents respond with annoyance and frustration, expressed in facial expressions, a tone of voice, and comments like: “What’s wrong with you?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Don’t you ever listen?” (At worst, parents use physical abuse and other punishments.)

When a child asks herself, what does it mean that she is not doing what her parents want repeatedly and what do her parents’ responses mean, the answer 99% of all children give is: I’m not good enough. (My associates and I have talked to well over 13,000 clients who have told us this.)

If she actually were not good enough, her parents’ responses to her behavior would make sense. In other words, this belief is a reasonable interpretation of mom and dad’s response to her when she is a very young child.

Here is the important part: Once she gives this meaning to the events, it seems to her as if her meaning (her belief) is inherent in the events—as if when she looks at the events she is discovering the meaning “out there” in the world. Once that happens, her belief about the way the world is becomes an entrenched “fact.”

Most of the techniques designed to get rid of beliefs never deal with how the belief got formed and what a belief actually is: A statement about reality that it seems you saw in reality. And because you think you saw your beliefs, you will hold on to them—despite understanding logically that the belief isn’t true and despite understanding that it is self-defeating to continue to hold on to the belief. It is virtually impossible to not believe something you think you “saw.”

How to get rid of the belief

So how can you eliminate the belief quickly, easily, and permanently? Here are the simple steps.

Take a look at a given belief and realize it is one “valid” interpretation of your experiences. And then realize that there are other possible interpretations that hadn’t occurred to you at the time you formed the belief, but, nevertheless, could just as easily account for the events. At which point you realize your belief is “a truth” and not “the truth.”

Then the crucial part comes: Put yourself back into the events that led to the belief and, as you look at them, ask yourself: Doesn’t it seem as if I can “see” [the belief]? The answer for visual people will always be: “Yes. And you would have seen it too if you had been there.”

Then ask yourself: Did I really “see” it? Because if you really saw it, you would be able to describe it: color, shape, location, etc. When you realize that you can’t describe it, you immediately realize that, in fact, you never really “saw” the belief. You only saw events, but the meaning of the events—in other works, the beliefs you formed about the events—existed only in your mind.

At this point, for most visual people, the belief is gone. It existed and resisted being extinguished because you thought you had seen it. As soon as you realize you never saw it, that it existed only in your mind, it is no longer something you thought you discovered and saw in the world; it is only one interpretation of many possible interpretations that has existed only in your mind.

As the final clincher, ask yourself if the events that led to the formation of the belief have any inherent meaning. Did they have any meaning before you give them a meaning? By that I mean, can you draw any conclusion for sure from these events? You will quickly realize that the events that led to your belief have many different possible meanings; there is no one meaning that is inherently true. So, while the events might have had consequences at the time they happened, they have no inherent meaning. Any meaning exists only in your mind, not in the world.

At that point, for predominantly visual people, the belief is permanently gone.

Emotionally kinesthetic people are slightly different

The scenario is slightly different for those people who are not visual, who are primarily emotionally kinesthetic. If you are one of these people, you don’t know reality primarily based on what you see, but based on what you feel. If you feel something a lot, it must be true. Why would you be having a feeling over and over if there weren’t something in the world causing it?

These people—when asked: Didn’t it seem as if you saw [your belief]?—answer: “I don’t know what you mean by seeing it; I felt it.”

Here’s how to get rid of a belief if this describes how you function. Ask yourself if the events that caused the belief made you feel [the words of the belief]. The answer will be, yes

Then remind yourself that you had said earlier that the events had no inherent meaning and ask yourself: Is it possible for events that have no inherent meaning to make you feel anything? The answer, of course, is no. So if the events that seemed to have caused the feeling didn’t cause the feeling, what did?

The answer is simple: the meaning you had previously given the events. In other words, the feeling is the result of the belief you had formed. If you had given the events a different meaning, that different meaning would have produced a different feeling. The way to prove this is to imagine the earlier events, observing them as a participant, and then giving the events one of the alternative interpretations you had given the events earlier in the process.

When you do that the “feeling of the belief” is gone.

It becomes clear that having the feeling of the belief repeatedly tells you nothing about the validity of the feeling, because the feeling was not caused by events in the world. It was caused totally by you, by the meaning you already had given the events.

When you say the words of the belief at that point, they will sound meaningless and silly. The belief will be gone.

To summarize: Beliefs are statements about reality that we feel are the truth, that are facts about the world. We are convinced our beliefs are true because we think we saw them in the world and because we felt them so often that they must be true (or else why would we have felt them so often?). Once we realize we never saw the beliefs in the world, that they were only in our mind, and that the feelings we had repeatedly were only because of meanings we gave meaningless events—the beliefs will be gone forever.

Getting rid of beliefs quickly, easily, and permanently is actually very easy when you understand how beliefs are formed and what it takes to eliminate a belief. And now you understand that.

We are in the process of creating an on-line training where you can become proficient in each of the steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process for eliminating beliefs. If you are interested in receiving advance notification, please let me know.

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What Do YOU Want To Know About Occurring?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 23:27:41 +0000

I have a question to ask you but before I ask, I’d like to give you some background.

First, you, along with tens of thousands of others who have used The Lefkoe Method, have sent me many hundreds of testimonials about the incredible results you’ve gotten from eliminating one of the common beliefs on the free program, from one of our DVD or streaming video programs, or from one-on-one sessions. Thanks for taking the time to do that. We at Lefkoe Institute are inspired each day by your messages.

But some of the most profound testimonials we’ve received have come from people who’ve taken one of the four courses we’ve offered on how to dissolve your occurrings. If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ve read one of my posts about how the single most powerful thing you can do to improve the quality of your life is to learn how to dissolve your occurrings. If you don’t know much about it, check out this short (12 minute) video that will explain it in detail. http://occurringcourse.com/occurring-works/

Essentially, you and I give meaning to events as they happen (which is how they “occur” for us) and don’t realize that there is a difference between the actual events and the occurring. For example, our spouse asks us: Did you do so-and-so for me? That is the actual event, in other words, what actually happened. For many of us, however, it would occur as either: He/she doesn’t trust me to do what he/she has asked. Or, why won’t he/she get off my back and leave me alone! Or, why should I do it; why doesn’t he/she do it him/herself? Etc.

And because we don’t distinguish between reality and our occurrings, we assume that our occurrings are reality and we respond as if they are.

I’ve learned so much during the past four courses about why we have occurrings, how to distinguish between them and reality, four different techniques to dissolve them quickly and easily, why it is more difficult to dissolve them when you have strong emotions, how to be able to do that when in the grip of strong emotions, why the testimonials from people in the occurring courses seem to be more profound than people who’ve only eliminated beliefs, etc.

Please tell me what you would like to know about occurring? I’ll either write a blog post or make a short video that answers the most commonly asked questions.

P.S. Thanks to the 80+ people who commented on my last blog post. Thanks for taking the time to provide a thoughtful response and for your suggestions. We are looking into how to implement some of the most popular recommendations. We will definitely offer a training in the next few months to teach you how to eliminate a belief once you’ve identified it.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

What Should I Do With The Rest Of My Life?

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 00:26:38 +0000

I’ve always been the youngest person doing whatever I was doing. I was just 16 when I graduated high school. I was working on Wall Street as a securities analyst at 22. I was an Assistant Vice President of a financial firm listed on the New York Stock Exchange at the age of 24. And I already had articles published in Fortune and was an editorial writer for the Wall Street Journal by 26.

Then one day I woke up and discovered I was 73. Instead of being the youngest person doing what I was doing, I was suddenly one of the oldest. There is only one person older than me in the Transformational Leadership Council, a group of transformational leaders who meet twice a year. And I am the oldest among all my friends.

Where did the time go?

What I’ve accomplished

I am proud and grateful for all that I have accomplished in my lifetime, especially my incredible 30-year marriage to my wife Shelly and the two girls we raised together to be independent spirits, each of whom is proud of who she is. And I am really proud of creating The Lefkoe Method (TLM), which has helped almost 100,000 people eliminate at least one limiting belief, enabling them to enjoy life more and experience themselves as the creator of their lives.

I cherish the relationship I have with those of you who have written me and I am inspired by all the changes you have created in your lives. On days when I don’t feel like going to work, all I need to do is read a note from one of you telling me how TLM helped you shed some “baggage” and enjoy your life more and I can’t wait to get back to work.

But now at 73 a question is popping up almost daily: Now what? What should I do with the rest of my life? I have been thinking about that question for the past six months or so and I still don’t have a good answer.

For over 26 years my vision was very clear: To significantly improve the quality of life in the world by having people recreate their lives and live as the unlimited possibilities they are.

My vision made me important

For a while I “needed” to do that. Right after I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) having that as my vision is what made me an important person, a person better than other people. “Look what I’m doing with my life!” But as I eliminated a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs and realized I was okay the way I was and that I didn’t need to do anything to be okay; my vision became a choice—a game I decided to play —rather than a survival strategy, something I needed to do to prove I was worthwhile.

But in the past year or so I have started to realize I no longer have “forever” to do what I want to do and I’ve started asking myself: What is the best way to spend the rest of my life? What is the greatest contribution I can make in the time I have left?

Let me tell you some of my thoughts and then I would like to hear from you. What do you think? What could I do that would make the biggest difference in your life?

Projects worth undertaking

Here are a few projects that seem to be worth completing:

1. For people who are visual, who know reality because they can “see” it, the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) works about 98% of the time. For people who are emotionally kinesthetic, who never “saw” their belief in the world but who ”felt” it, beliefs sometimes come back once or even twice. The effectiveness rate with such people is over 90%. I want to figure out how to make the LBP more effective for emotionally kinesthetic people.

2. The Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) seems to make more of a difference in people’s lives than anything I’ve done in 26 years. It gives people the ability to create their experience of life moment by moment. The many testimonials we’ve received from people who have taken the Lefkoe Occurring Courses go beyond anything we have received in 26 years—and we’ve had thousands of people tell us the TLM has provided relief that nothing else they had ever done had provided. The problem is it takes me ten weeks of my time working personally with only 20 people to produce the incredible value the LOP provides. For people who can afford it, it is the single best thing they can do to make a profound difference in their lives. For people who can’t afford it, it’s useless. Right now the only way I am able to produce the results this course provides is to personally coach each of the 20 people each week. My goal is to find a way to put this course into a DVD product that I can sell for a price anyone can afford.

3. We just completed a two-year research study conducted by a major university that proved that our Natural Confidence DVD product significantly reduces stress, which means it can help anyone with an illness that is at least partially caused by stress—which is most of them. The study will be published soon in a peer-reviewed psychological journal. In order for psychologists and governmental officials to take TLM seriously, we need a lot more research that validates our experience with almost 100,00 people over the past 26 years. I am convinced we could help returning soldiers with PTSD, relieve depression, stop most anxiety, and free people from almost all the day-to-day problems that affect most people on earth. We need to prove that with independent scientific studies.

4. Most of all, I want to reach far more than the 100,000 or so people we’ve helped so far. I am truly grateful that my associates and I have been able to help each and every one of these people. But there are hundreds of millions of people throughout the world who lack confidence, who constantly worry about what others think of them, who procrastinate, whose relationships are characterized by constant bickering and dissatisfaction, who fear rejection, and whose beliefs and conditionings sabotage their ability to have sufficient income and wealth so that money is no longer an issue in their lives. I’m not satisfied with reaching only about a hundred additional people every day. I no longer have 30 or 40 years to play this game. I need to find a way to break out of the box and reach hundreds of thousands in the next year or so and then grow geometrically from there.

If you are on my mailing list, you’ve probably eliminated at least one belief and have personally experienced the power of my work. If you’ve purchased one of our products like Natural Confidence or worked with one of our Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitators in phone or Skype sessions, you’ve seen a lifelong problem disappear in a matter of hours and never return. So you have a good sense of the impact my work can have in the world.

I guess the bottom-line question I’m trying to answer is: What legacy do I want to leave the world?

What do you think I should be focusing on? Where should I be devoting the bulk of my time for the next few years? What could I do that would make the biggest difference to YOU? And do you have any suggestions on how I can make TLM available to millions of people?

Please post your answer below. I might not be able to respond to every post, but I do promise to read and seriously consider each one of them.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How To Create A Better Relationship

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 20:34:52 +0000

Are you one of the millions of people who have been unable to find a loving, fulfilling, and exciting relationship?

I am convinced that everyone can have the relationship of his dreams if he got rid of the beliefs that get in the way. I speak from experience because I had two marriages that failed because of my limiting self-esteem and relationship beliefs. After eliminating them I found and married Shelly, to whom I will be married 30 years in just a few months. People who know us are inspired by the incredible relationship we have.

People can have several different types of relationship problems. Either they can’t find one (and they hate the dating game), or they had one and it failed (leading to a lot of emotional pain and upset), or they are still in one that just doesn’t work or isn’t nurturing (leading to constant unhappiness, frustration, and anger).

There is a fourth possibility that is even worse: being in a relationship that doesn’t really work and assuming that this is the best a relationship can possibly be. That leads to constant dissatisfaction, but no hope for improvement because people in this situation don’t think anything better is possible.

We’ve been asked many times to create a package of beliefs and conditionings that would help people in each one of these situations. Unfortunately, because each relationship is so different, the beliefs and conditionings involved also can be different, so a generic DVD program for the “average” person is impossible (at least at the moment, because nothing is ever really impossible in the long run).

I can, however, describe the type of beliefs and conditionings involved in different types of relationship problems. To begin with, negative self-esteem beliefs are usually involved in all of them, apart from the specific beliefs and conditionings related to specific problems. So beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m powerless, I’m not deserving, etc. are a partial cause of almost any relationship problem.

Here are some of the beliefs that our clients, who have had a wide variety of relationship problems, have shared with us.

If you are having a hard time forming a relationship, you probably believe: Relationships are difficult. This can exist in various forms, such as Relationships don’t work, relationships require a lot of effort, etc. You probably believe men/women can’t be trusted. Other common beliefs are: There are no good men/women left out there. Marriage is suffocating. I’ll lose myself in a relationship. Men are jerks/selfish/dangerous/ have all the power/cheat. One self-esteem belief that is very applicable to relationship problems is I’m unlovable. All of the beliefs that cause a lack of confidence (see the list in the Natural Confidence program [http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence]) could be relevant in this situation. And there is at least one conditioning applicable to this situation: fear associated with rejection.

If you’re just left a failed relationship, you are likely to have concluded a bunch of negative beliefs about yourself and your former partner (which you probably hold as applicable to an entire gender) based on the specific problems you had in the relationship. You also ought to check out the beliefs involved in feeling like a victim, which include: Life is difficult, I’ll never get what I want, Things never work out for me, People can’t be trusted, and I can’t count on others.

If you are in a relationship that doesn’t work but you stay in it, you probably have many of the beliefs already mentioned, in addition to: This is all I deserve. I’ll never find anything better. I can’t make it on my own. I need a man/woman in order to survive. One very common problem in non-nurturing relationships is a fear of conflict and anger. This is usually caused by Anger is dangerous and Conflict is dangerous, along with two conditionings: Fear associated with anger and fear associated with conflict. The fear of anger and conflict keep people from standing up for themselves and saying what they want and need. And when their partner expresses anger it leads to withdrawal instead of a conversation to resolve the issue. (That was a major problem of mine for most of my life.)

In my recent post about not knowing what you don’t know (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/dont-dont/), I pointed out that often we don’t strive for something better in various areas of our life because we don’t think there is anything better. This is certainly true of relationships. Despite the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce, there are so many unhappy couples that stay together because the partners aren’t aware that something better is even possible. Such people can have any of the beliefs already mentioned, in addition to beliefs that blind them to the possibility that a better relationship is possible.

Please share your thoughts about what makes relationships work and not work with me and your fellow readers. And if you’ve identified any specific beliefs I didn’t mention that underlie any type of relationship problem, please share them also.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Do You Need Training To Use The Lefkoe Method?

Morty Lefkoe — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:13:48 +0000

Are you one of the people who figured out how to use the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) after eliminating a few beliefs on http://recreateyourlife.com/free where we offer three beliefs for free? Many people are able to eliminate beliefs by themselves after going through the LBP a few times, whereas others are unable to do it themselves if they’ve never received training even after eliminating 20-30 beliefs.

Once you’ve figured out what belief you want to eliminate, going through the steps of the LBP can be relatively easy for some people. The steps are the same in most cases, although the source and alternative interpretations are different for survival strategy beliefs. So if you are able to find the source of your beliefs and come up with valid alternative interpretations (which can be different for different beliefs), you might be able to get rid of many beliefs on your own.

The biggest problem in using the LBP is figuring out which beliefs are the source of different problems. (And, of course, many problems also are caused by conditioning, which can require you to use several other processes that are part of The Lefkoe Method [TLM] in order to eliminate those problems totally.)

This ability to quickly learn how to get rid of the beliefs that cause many of your day-to-day problems is a significant distinction between the LBP and almost every form of psychotherapy.

You Can’t Conduct Psychotherapy On Yourself

It is virtually impossible to conduct a psychotherapy session on yourself, regardless of which type of psychotherapy you choose to use. And instead of a weekend training to learn how to use the LBP with others, you need several years of school and many hours of practice and observation before you can be effective as a psychotherapist.

It is because the steps of the LBP are relatively simple once you know the belief you want to eliminate that we have been able to put that Process on DVDs and streaming video. And because certain problems usually have the same beliefs and conditionings, we have been able to create DVDs and streaming video programs to get rid of entire problems in addition to eliminating an assortment of random beliefs.

Using TLM successfully probably requires less communication skills than most forms of psychotherapy. A Lefkoe Method facilitator must be able to administer TLM effectively and that usually does take some training, skill, and practice, but if the processes are presented correctly, they will work regardless of the rapport the facilitator has established with the client. That is one reason why the various processes in TLM can be effective in a DVD or interactive web program.

On the other hand, most forms of psychotherapy require a high degree of trust, relationship, rapport, etc. between the therapist and the client, and often the better the rapport, the more effective the session. In TLM the process is more important than the facilitator, whereas in most other therapies the opposite is true.

This is not to say that no rapport or trust is required for Lefkoe Method faciliators, because if they are totally absent, people may not feel comfortable working with the facilitator. Also, a LM facilitator with a high degree of training and insight is likely to figure out the source of a given problem that another facilitator might not even recognize. Finally, a client is more likely to be totally open with a facilitator she trusts, which can make a difference in the outcome of a session.

Everyone Helps Everyone Else

My vision is for millions of people to learn how to use the LBP and the other processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method early in life so they can use them on themselves and to help others. My vision was illustrated a few years ago when my wife Shelly was on a Stairmaster at the gym. A friend of hers who she hadn’t seen in a while climbed on an adjoining Stairmaster. When Shelly’s friend started talking about some relationship difficulties she had been having, instead of commiserating or giving advice, Shelly helped her friend find a few beliefs that might be causing the difficulties and then helped her eliminate those beliefs … while exercising. That is my vision for the world: to have everyone able to help everyone eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that are the source of most of the problems we face in life.

In recent months we have had many inquiries about future courses that train people to use the Lefkoe Belief Process and other Lefkoe Method Processes, either on oneself or to help others. In the past all our trainings were held in the San Francisco Bay Area. We’ve taught people how to eliminate beliefs in one three-day weekend. Another three-day weekend was required to learn how to find the right beliefs that were responsible for any problem. And a third three-day weekend taught people how to use the various conditioning processes. Interspersed between the three training sessions were eight hours of coaching students by listening to recordings of their sessions and giving them feedback.

We are investigating the possibility of creating an on-line training to substitute for the first weekend where students learn how to use the LBP effectively after a belief has been identified.

If we don’t find a way to offer it on-line and we have to offer a live training in the San Francisco Bay Area, please let us know if you would be interested in attending. Alternatively, if we do offer an on-line training would you be interested in participating?

Depending on the level of interest in each type of training we will make a decision shortly about further training sessions.

Please tell us about your interest in being trained and how you think you will use your training (on yourself or to help others). Let us know if you are willing to travel here for training or if you are only interested in on-line training.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Increase Your Happiness With One Distinction

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 22:41:32 +0000

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Do you know the difference between beliefs and occurrings? They are totally different phenomena. And you need to be able to eliminate both of them to have a truly satisfying life.

Do you usually make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs for you?
Very few people even realize there is a difference between the two, which leads them to deal with a “reality” that exists only in their mind.

Do you know why the ability to make that distinction is crucial to having a truly happy life? Most people have no idea.

I was preparing a handout for the new Lefkoe Occurring Course starting February 1 that discussed these three issues and I realized that the information in the handout would be useful to all the readers of my blog. So I am reprinting most of the handout below.

Definitions

Reality: What actually happens in the world. What you know through your five senses, especially what you can see or hear. What you would capture on a video recording.

Occurring: The meaning you give to events in reality. Usually we don’t distinguish between reality and how reality occurs for us (our occurring), so we think the meaning we give reality IS reality. For example, losing our job is a fact in reality, that it is a disaster or a great opportunity are two possible ways the event can occur for you. You can “see” that you no longer have a job. You can’t “see” that the job loss is a disaster or an opportunity.

No meaning: Events in reality have no inherent meaning. In other words, you can’t draw any inferences or make any predictions, for sure, as a result of observing any events. When you do the Lefkoe Belief Process you experience clearly that mom’s and dad’s behavior had no inherent meaning, that the way they treated you meant nothing about you.

Distinctions

The difference between a belief and an occurring and why that difference is important: Beliefs are the meaning we give to a series of events. The meaning usually is a statement about ourselves, people or life. A belief is a statement about reality that we feel and act is the truth (it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe). Beliefs are generalizations, for example, I am …. People are …. Life is …. Once formed, beliefs continue to exist and affect our behavior, feelings and perceptions forever, unless we are able to eliminate the belief.

Our occurrings are the meaning we give to a specific event. Each occurring is a distinct experience that usually lasts only a short time and then fades away by itself when we stop thinking about the event. An example of an occurring is your boss asking you a question and it occurring to you as she doesn’t trust you or she doesn’t like you or you’re going to get fired. That is the meaning you have given to the boss’s question. In reality all that happened is that she asked you a question.

Your long-standing beliefs are not occurrings. Occurrings require, by definition, an event. An occurring is how an event occurs for you. If there is no event, there is no occurring.

So beliefs and occurrings are two totally different phenomena. There is a relationship between them, however, in that beliefs are the major source of our occurrings. In other words, how a meaningless event occurs for us is determined mainly by our beliefs. Change your beliefs and how events show up for you will be different. For example, if you believe, People are stupid, they will occur for you that way. Eliminate that belief and your occurring probably will change.

But because each is a distinct phenomenon, it is possible to dissolve an occurring without eliminating any beliefs. If you don’t eliminate the beliefs that are causing a occurring, you are likely to continue to have the same occurring when similar events happen in your life.

The reason this distinction between reality and our occurrings is so important is that most people rarely distinguish between them, thereby acting as if their occurring IS reality. In other words, we rarely deal with what is actually in the world; we deal with the meaning we have given what is in the world, a meaning that exists only in our own mind.

Reality can’t cause feelings: Because events have no inherent meaning, they are unable to make you feel anything. What produces your feelings (apart from some conditioning) is the meaning you give to events.

So beliefs (which are meaning you have given to a series of events) can result in feelings, such as anger resulting from the beliefs, I’m powerless and What makes me powerful (in control) is having things exactly the way I want them. When people don’t do what you want them to do you feel powerless and then feel anger at the people who didn’t do what you wanted them to do. If you didn’t have these two beliefs, you’d either ignore the people who aren’t doing what you want or you’d ask again, giving reasons for what you want.

The meaning you give specific events—your occurrings—also result in feelings. If you don’t get something you want and you give it the meaning: I can’t get what I want and I never will, you will get upset. If you give it the meaning: I haven’t gotten what I want yet, so what do I have to do to get it?—you will feel challenged and excited. Therefore, dissolving your occurrings enables you to simultaneously dissolve negative feelings, such as anxiety, anger, and upset.

Please let me know if these definitions and distinctions are clear and if they are useful. I look forward to hearing from you.

For information about my next Lefkoe Occurring Course, where you learn how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to automatically dissolve your occurrings and your negative feelings, please check out: http://occurringcourse.com/discover.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

What Drives You: “Intention” or “Inspiration”?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:07:42 +0000

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Everyone knows that success in life is a function of your “intention.” Right?

I just read an excellent blog post by Joe Vitale (http://blog.mrfire.com/why-i-gave-up-intentions) that challenges this point of view. Joe’s perspective makes a lot of sense to me and, because New Year’s Resolutions are usually all about our intentions, I thought I would use my first blog post of the new year to take a fresh look at this topic.

Joe questions the value of intention

Joe makes this point: “Today I realize that most intentions are limitations. Intentions come from your ego and can actually limit what is possible for you to receive.”

He goes on to explain:

STAGE ONE:

In the first stage you are a victim. We’re all born into it and most of us stay there. With coaching or the right books or the right movies, you one day break free.

STAGE TWO:

In the next stage you realize you have more power than you ever thought before. In this stage intentions are fun and exciting and useful. You aim your life where you want it to go. It’s exhilarating to manifest things like new cars or a new house or anything else you can imagine.

But there’s a stage after that.

STAGE THREE:

In the third stage you realize you have choice but you don’t have control. You realize you don’t have all power. This is where you surrender. This is where you can receive inspiration from something greater than your ego awareness.

I was filmed for two more movies last week. One of them is all about letting go to inspiration.

For me, I want inspiration.

When it comes, that becomes my new intention.

But the intention comes from inspiration, not from limitation.

The intention comes from the Divine, not my pipsqueak ego.

In short, when I receive an inspiration to do something, it becomes my intention.

So I still believe in intentions, but not those of the ego, but those of the Divine.

A distinction between intention and inspiration

Joe made an important distinction between inspiration, which comes from who we really are (the “creator”) and intention, which comes from who we think we are (the ego, the “creation”).

Because our creation is pretty much run by our already-existing beliefs and conditionings, our intentions are not really freely chosen. Our intentions are determined by our past, or, to be more precise, the meaning we gave past experiences. In other words, our intentions are limited by our beliefs. We can’t intend to achieve more than our beliefs will allow.

Inspirations, on the other hand, are created out of nothing. Inspirations don’t depend on anything and they are not limited by our beliefs.

If you were asked: What is the source of any goal you might have—and you explain why you have the goal, you probably have an intention that is a function of your beliefs. If your answer is, “just because” or “why not” or “just because I said so,” you probably have an inspiration that was created independent of your beliefs.

As soon as I realized the power of The Lefkoe Method (TLM) about 25 years ago to make a profound difference in the world, I said to myself: I intend to spend the rest of my life using TLM to make a difference in as many lives as possible. A worthwhile intention, isn’t it?

But when I first created this intention about 25 years ago it mattered to me. I used it to define who I was. It became my identity. I had to do it. It was a better way to spend my time than how most other people spent their time. The world needed what I had to offer.

My intention became an inspiration

And then about 10 years ago there was a shift from: I need to do it, to: I choose to do it. And I would be okay if I didn’t do it. The world didn’t need me; it would be okay without me.

My intention had shifted to inspiration and it no longer defined who I was. My ego was no longer involved.

I’ve actually been thinking about what to do with the rest of my life (I’m now 73 years old) during the past two weeks while I was on vacation in Hawaii with Shelly and my two daughters.

On the one hand I felt I could stay on vacation for the rest of my life. Either my associates or I have worked one-on-one with well over 13,000 clients and over 70,000 people have used an online and/or a DVD program to eliminate at least one belief. Most of these people experienced a freedom that they had never experienced before. One of my daughters pointed out that very few people in history had helped so many people. I felt that was okay to stop.

On the other hand I felt excited about getting back to work. I was looking forward to implementing the many ideas I have for 2011, including a way to reach a few hundred thousand more people in 2011, leading a new occurring course, and creating several new products.

After weighing each possibility, I choose to go back to work. I don’t need to help people for ego reasons. I am okay whether I continue to make The Lefkoe Method available in the world or not. However, for me this is still the best game in town and I am interested in playing for at least one more year.

Look at your own intentions

Take a look at your intentions for 2011 and see if they are freely chosen or not. Are they something you are choosing to do or something you need to do to be okay?

If you discover that the source of your intentions is your beliefs, get rid of any negative self-esteem beliefs so that you realize you are okay just the way you are and that you don’t need to do anything to be okay. Make sure you get rid of any survival strategy beliefs, so that your sense of okayness is not dependent on anything outside yourself. Do the Who Am I Really? Process and experience that you are the creator of your life, not a creation.

Allow yourself to ruminate about the question: What do I want to do with my life, just because I want to do it—not because of what it means about me or because of what others will think?

When you discover what you choose to do, not what you need to do, what you would do even if no one else ever knew that you did it, you are probably in touch with divine inspiration, rather than ego-driven intention. At that point the universe likely will support you in manifesting your inspiration in the world.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on living out of inspiration versus intention.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

The Causes And Cure For Overeating

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 18:19:02 +0000

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The more we work with clients who have a problem of overeating, the more convinced I am that we have come up with an effective solution to a major health crisis.

Over 70% of American adults are either overweight or obese. That is a disastrous situation for those people who have an eating/weight problem and a serious crisis for society as a whole.

As more and more clients de-condition eating as the compulsive response to emotional triggers and as I better understand the role of beliefs in overeating, it is clear that a long-term solution to overeating now exists that does not involve dieting, drugs, or will power.

These are all attempts to deal with the symptoms of the problem. Our approach is to deal with and eliminate the cause.

So 25 years after creating the Lefkoe Belief Process we now have all the processes we need to help millions of people totally stop their overeating problem. I don’t yet know how to create a DVD that will do the job, but hopefully I will figure out a way eventually. In the meantime, we can help people in one-on-one phone and Skype sessions.

I’ve written an eBook that describes the true causes of overeating and presents an effective solution. The eBook is free and is available at http://emotionaleatingreport.com.

In addition, because this issue is so crucial and affects so many people, and because we have a real solution to the problem, I intend to create a new blog that I will post to weekly that will focus solely on the causes and cure for overeating problems. It will be shorter than my blog at http://mortylefkoe.com and may include reviews of books that I think might be useful, comments on news items involving food and weight, case histories from clients I am working with, new insights I have about the problem, etc.

If you or a friend or a loved one have an eating/food/weight problem, please take a look at the free eBook and at the same time sign up to get the blog weekly. You can see the existing posts and sign up at http://emotionaleatingreport.com/blog/.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on my decision to write an emotional eating weekly blog.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How To Be More Effective At Work: TLM Part 4

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 18:41:27 +0000

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In addition to the seven processes that can help free individuals from their limitations (which I’ve described in the last three blog posts), The Lefkoe Method has two additional processes that were designed specifically for use in organizations.

If you use them in your own firm, you will be more successful. If you use them at a company where you work, you will become a more effective and valuable employee.

The Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities

The first process, the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities, was created when I discovered during my years as a management consultant that employees on every level in every organization were sabotaging themselves and their organizations with many beliefs that started with the words: We (I) can’t ….

Almost everyone in every organization—whether it be non-profit, for profit, or governmental—has a number of beliefs about what can’t be done and what must be done. Based on my experience I contend that these beliefs are an organization’s biggest barrier to innovation. In fact, they are probably the single biggest problem organizations face.

“We can’t out-source that job.”
“We can’t find the type of employees we need.”
“I can’t get the support I need.”
“We can’t possibly finish the project as quickly as the customer wants.”
“We can’t afford to do that.”
“That suggestion is crazy. It can’t possibly work.”

Sound familiar? If you work in an organization it is unlikely you get through an entire day without hearing, We (I) can’t …, at least once. And if the right someone (or lots of someones) believes something “can’t be done,” then the chances are slim to nil that it will get done.

Either this type of belief will stop a new initiative cold, or, if the organization manages to get it off the ground, the people with the belief will have a hard time supporting it, which will lead to the belief becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

When I first discovered the widespread prevalence of this type of belief, I realized that the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) could easily eliminate it. The problem was that it was impractical to train everyone in an organization to use the LBP. It would take much too much time. So I had to revise the Process so that anyone could learn to do it very quickly.

At some point I realized that if you were eliminating a belief whose source was not childhood and that was always the same—namely, something hadn’t worked before—I could create an easy-to-learn-and-use variation of the LBP that only eliminated We (I) can’t … beliefs.

I call this process the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities because when you eliminate a We (I) can’t … belief you create possibilities that literally didn’t exist before. The LBP-P can eliminate a belief in less than five minute and can be taught to groups of people in only an hour or so.

For more details about the LBP-P, including the actual steps of the Process, please visit http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-the-belief-%E2%80%9Ci-can%E2%80%99t-%E2%80%A6%E2%80%9D/.

Changing the culture of an organization

Right after I created the LBP in 1985 my associates and I did a lot of management consulting work. One of the most exciting assignments we had was helping many of the newly-formed telephone companies that had just split off from AT&T to create a new customer-driven culture.

For about a hundred years AT&T had a culture that was focused on internal measurements for improvement. Because the company had a monopoly and customers had no place else to go, it didn’t focus much on what customers wanted. AT&T gave them what it thought they needed. After AT&T split up into a number of “Baby Bells,” each operating company had to change its culture to focus more on customer service.

The Lefkoe Institute was brought in by seven of those companies to work with thousands of their employees. I created a process that had employees in all the workshops realize that what they did on a daily basis made perfect sense given the beliefs they had created about what to do and how to do it. They also came to realize that these beliefs made perfect sense given the environment that existed when the beliefs were formed.

So instead of telling the employees that what they were doing was wrong or that they needed to change, we validated their behavior and their beliefs.

Once they realized the many ways in which the “old environment” had changed, they were able to consciously create new beliefs about their jobs, policies and procedures that were consistent with the new, current environment. And obviously their behavior changed to be consistent with their new beliefs.

We were very successful both in helping change the behavior of employees and the culture in which they operated.

Important organizational distinctions

In addition to the two processes that were developed specifically for organizations, I have made several important distinctions that are very valuable for organizations, such as the distinction between first, second, and third order change.

Here is a short summary of the difference between the three types of change:

First order change is incremental and consists of improving what already is. It is change consistent with existing beliefs.

Second order change is more fundamental and consists of creating a new set of beliefs that make behavior possible that had been impossible before.

One way to distinguish between a second and third order change organization is that the former creates a new and better culture in which to operate; the latter creates a culture that recognizes that there is no ”right” culture for all times. A third order change organization is able to easily create new cultures as new environments require.

For examples and more details see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/relationship-personal/.

Summary of The Lefkoe Method

In this and the last three blog posts I have provided a summary of the nine processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method and provided links to get additional information about each process.

It should be clear that not only is each process unique in what it does and how it does it, but all of them together as The Lefkoe Method offer a revolutionary approach to freeing us from our limitations and providing us with the freedom to create our lives exactly the way we want them to be.

Please share below any comments you have on the two organizational processes or any other process in The Lefkoe Method.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Get Rid of Negative Senses and Expectations: TLM Part 2

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 18:40:37 +0000

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Last week I pointed out that The Lefkoe Method (TLM) includes nine different processes, all of them unique methods for transforming the quality of your life. I described two of them—the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process—in detail. (See http://www.mortylefkoe.com/lefkoe-method-part-1/)

This week I’ll tell you how the Lefkoe Sense and Expectation Processes are revolutionary methods for removing barriers to you experiencing a level of joy and fulfillment most people have given up ever achieving.

As you read the following discussion of these two additional processes that are part of TLM, I want you to remember what I claimed last week:

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t another belief-elimination process out there that is guaranteed to eliminate fundamental beliefs permanently. Moreover, I am quite confident that no one offers as complete an arsenal of processes to help you make any change you want in your life … and have it stick. In fact, I’m not aware of any other process that produces the results that each of these processes achieve.

Have you ever heard of anything remotely like the two processes I describe below?

The Lefkoe Sense Process

The Lefkoe Sense Process (LSP) is useful after one eliminates all the relevant beliefs one can find and still has a negative sense of something. This “sense” usually doesn’t exist in complete sentences, like beliefs. A “sense” typically is described in bodily feelings, colors, images, short phrases, etc. You actually can have a negative sense of anything, such as people, life, and work, but the most common negative sense that adversely affects our lives is a negative sense of self.

Try it right now. Close your eyes and spend a moment looking inside for your sense of yourself. … If you find words, such as “not good enough” or “not important,” that is probably the result of beliefs like I’m not good enough and I’m not important. But keep looking: Is there a sense that exists primarily in feelings and images? If there is and it is negative, the LSP can help you get rid of it.

It appears that a negative sense of yourself is the result of conditioning and that the LSP de-conditions that negative conditioning. The initial conditioning usually takes place in childhood. Events around us—usually mom’s and dad’s behavior—lead us to have a negative feeling about ourselves. Sometimes the feeling is a direct result of their behavior—as an example, we might have a sense of ourselves as isolated or alone in the world as a result of mom and dad not paying attention to us much of the time.

Sometimes the feeling is the result of the meaning we give their behavior—as an example, feeling not acceptable as a result of giving that meaning to mom and dad not being available much of the time.

Let me explain further. Any child in any culture recognizes certain tones of voice and facial expressions as expressing “anger,” which most children would interpret as meaning there is something wrong with me. Why that interpretation and not: What’s wrong with my parents? Two reasons.

First, a child knows on some level he is dependent on his parents for his very survival. If there is something wrong with his parents, then his survival is threatened. Better that there is something wrong with him.

Second, children think that adults—especially their parents—have all the answers to dealing with the world; children also know they know very little about how to deal with the world. Children are always saying, “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to … (or, then I’ll know what to do).” So if mom and dad are angry, it must be my fault; there is something wrong with me. Before a child has words this anger can be experienced wordlessly as: pushed away, overwhelmed, not acceptable, not okay, uncomfortable, etc.

To summarize, events in your childhood and the meanings you give those events are the source of the “sense” you formed of yourself at the time and that still exists today.

As a child we looked inside and always saw this same sense of ourselves; at some point we got conditioned to experience the sense as “who we are.” The LSP works by getting us to realize that the sense is the result of events outside ourselves or the meaning we gave to outside events, and it never was inherent in us. We realize our sense of ourselves is not who we are.

Although getting rid of the beliefs that constitute our sense of ourselves usually will get rid of any negative sense, sometimes there will be a conditioned negative sense that requires the LSP. In such cases a negative feeling you’ve had about yourself for a lifetime can be extinguished in a matter of minutes.

The Lefkoe Expectation Process

The other process that might be necessary to get rid of negative feelings that often overwhelm us is the Lefkoe Expectation Process (LEP). Sometimes, after all the relevant beliefs have been eliminated, one can still expect life to be difficult, to not get what one wants, to have anxiety in certain situations, etc. The LEP can totally eliminate those negative expectations. Like with the LSP, you should eliminate all the relevant beliefs first, because often that will eliminate the negative expectation. But if the expectation is still there, use this process.

Again, to fully make real how useful this process can be, close your eyes and ask yourself what you expect regarding some area of your life, such as your relationships, career, wealth, or life in general. … Try it right now. …

You should come up with a description of your expectation that is not necessarily in the form of specific beliefs—for example, you might expect your relationships to never work out, to never be able to make lasting change in your life, or to never accumulate wealth. All of these expectations could be caused by beliefs, but if you still had any of them after eliminating the appropriate beliefs, the LEP could de-condition them.

Expectations are formed by assuming that the future necessarily will be like the past. In other words, if something has happened to you repeatedly (or even once if the event is really traumatic), then you will get conditioned to assume that it will continue to happen in the future.

The LEP works by having you realize that the circumstances that had something happen in the past are never exactly the same as your future circumstances, so it never makes sense to assume that your future will be exactly the same as your past, because all the relevant circumstances are never the same.

Why These Processes Are So Valuable

If, after eliminating the appropriate beliefs, you still have negative senses or expectations as a result of conditioning, the only way I know to get rid of them is to use the Lefkoe Stimulus Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process. And if you don’t get rid of the conditionings, you will be stuck with negative feelings that will constantly sabotage you. You might not need to use these two processes often, but when you do, they offer relief that nothing else can provide.

(To see the actual steps of the Lefkoe Sense and Expectation Processes, please see my blog, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-negative-%E2%80%9Csenses%E2%80%9D-and-%E2%80%9Cexpectations%E2%80%9D/)

Next week’s post will describe additional processes of The Lefkoe Method that you might need to eliminate all your barriers to having the life you’ve always wanted.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Sense Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How Can I Use The Lefkoe Method? Part 1

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 22:10:51 +0000

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Many of you have used the Lefkoe Belief Process and found that permanently getting rid of beliefs has made a profound difference in your life. Did you know that The Lefkoe Method includes eight other processes you can use to make significant changes in your life?

Depending on the problem you are trying to get rid of and what you are trying to accomplish, some of these other processes might be required.

Because recently readers have asked me to describe the difference between each process and explain how each is used, I’ve decided to use my blog posts over the next few weeks to do just that. I’ll provide a short description of each process, explain how it works, and tell you how it can be used to help you get rid of problems you face in your life daily.

This week I’ll discuss the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process. In future weeks I’ll write about the others.

Here is a list of the processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method:

Lefkoe Belief Process
Lefkoe Stimulus Process
Lefkoe Sense Process
Lefkoe Expectation Process
Lefkoe De-conditioning Process
Lefkoe Occurring Process
Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities
Lefkoe Belief Process—Organizations
Who am I really?

The Lefkoe Belief Process

The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP), which I developed in 1975, was the first of the processes and still is the most important. Most of our undesirable behavior and feelings ultimately can be traced to our beliefs, so being able to get rid of beliefs will make the biggest long-term difference in your life.

A belief, as I use the term, is a statement about reality that is the truth for us. It is experienced emotionally as the truth, because it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe.

For example, you may believe that I’m not good enough, even though you know intellectually that that is not true. So the way to know you have a belief is to say the words of the belief out loud and then ask yourself: Do the words feel true? Do they resonate even a little bit? Do they feel even a little uncomfortable?

Most of our core beliefs about ourselves, people, and life are formed in the first six years of life as a result of interactions with our parents. Beliefs about other areas of life—such as work, politics, relationships, and aspects of society—usually are formed when we encounter them.

The steps of LBP consist mainly of questions that enable you to discover that something you thought was “the truth,” something you thought you “saw” in the world, is really only “a truth,” that exists only in your mind. When you make that distinction, the belief is transformed into merely one interpretation you gave a meaningless series of events, and the belief disappears.

Typical common negative beliefs include I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m powerless, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.

Many day-to-day problems that we face—such as procrastination, selling ourselves short, and trying to impress others—can usually be resolved by eliminating the beliefs that cause them.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process

Many emotions are caused by beliefs, for example, the belief that Dogs are dangerous will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief People can’t be trusted will result in the feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are many adults, however, who experience emotions that appear to not depend on beliefs.

Very often we experience negative feelings in our life on a recurring basis, such as fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as fear whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or guilt whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why, for example, does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear in some people and not in others?

What appears to have happened is anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other non-scary situations get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger).

The classic example of this was an experiment a psychologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the stimulus gets conditioned.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make this very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. If this next time there was no fist, only ice cream, why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear when it became associated with the fist. Something was scaring you (the fist) and ice cream just happened to be there every time you got scared by the fist.

Here is a real life example: Consider someone who experiences fear whenever he is asked to do something. When did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? Assume the original source of the fear was a father who always yelled, threatened, and terrified the client as a child. No matter what the client did, the father was not satisfied.

When the client reviews the cause of his feeling of fear, he discovers that the fear was not inherent in being asked to do something. What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s behavior: The person he depended on for his very survival was withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That is what caused the fear. Can you see that fear is not inherent in not doing things perfectly or, in fact, any other specific thing you do or do not do?

In order to help people get rid of these emotional problems I developed a new process in 1997 that I call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP). It is simpler to use than the LBP and usually takes only five to ten minutes to completely de-condition the stimuli that cause such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by helping you to realize that initially “being asked to do something” never produced fear. The original cause of the fear was the meaning you attributed to the way you were asked to do something (the anger that accompanied the request), by someone whose survival you depended on (your father). You associated “being asked to do something” with a loss of love, which ultimately you experienced as “a threat to your survival.”

When the association is broken, when you realize that you made this arbitrary association, the events that got associated (being asked to do something) will no longer cause fear. When you consciously make a distinction between what really caused the feeling initially and the events that happened to be associated with it, the associated events (current stimuli for the feeling) will no longer cause the feeling.

It is important to realize that most of our emotional problems—such as anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness—cannot be eliminated totally merely by eliminating beliefs. You also have to use the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

Next week’s post will describe additional processes of The Lefkoe Method that you might need to eliminate all your barriers to having the life you’ve always wanted.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Don’t ever give up hope

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 18:01:23 +0000

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For most of my life I didn’t want to be me. In fact, I was so unhappy being me that I wanted to be someone else. When I was in my twenties I wanted to be Fred Astaire, because I liked the light and joyful sense of life he projected when dancing on screen. Later in life I didn’t care who else I was as long as it wasn’t me.

During my twenties and thirties I contemplated suicide, evidence of how utterly miserable I was at that time.

Unless you have personally experienced depression it is hard to imagine how debilitating it is. It is all-encompassing and feels like being in a black hole from which there is no escape. Doing anything at all when you feel so hopeless and helpless is an effort. Sometimes washing the dishes was my major accomplishment of the day.

I was so afraid of being alone that I put pressure on my two former wives to not leave me, as a result of which I lost both of them. Like depression, being alone was more painful than I could bear.

Photo credit: worldislandinfo.com

Why am I telling you about how miserable I was for over half my life? Because so many people today feel the same way. And because none of those feelings are present in my life today.

I no longer want to be anyone else because I am thrilled with who I am and what I do. The depression and neediness disappeared many years ago and never resurfaced, even a little bit. I’ve had a blissful marriage to Shelly for almost 30 years. I live in the “creator” space most of the time, in other words, when I look inside I usually feel that there is nothing missing (although I still have goals, I am not attached to them), anything is possible, and I have no limitations. I rarely give meaning to events and when I do I am able to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve the meaning in seconds. In other words, I am totally satisfied with my experience of life and don’t feel the need to change a thing.

Brittany was feeling hopeless

My daughter Brittany was upset the past weekend about an illness that no one has been able to diagnose—a condition that makes her tired, nauseous, and very emotional much of the time. She was starting to feel that it would never be diagnosed and cured, and that she would have to live with it forever.

So I described to her in detail how horrible my life had been for so many years and how it is today, as I’ve just told you.

I had this conversation with Brittany because I wanted her to realize that no matter how bad things might be right now, you can never make absolute predictions about the future. And I’m repeating the essence of my conversation with her to you, because no matter how difficult your life might have been so far, that doesn’t mean it can’t turn out to be exactly how you’ve hoped and dreamed it would be.

Even if no doctor has been able to diagnose Brittany so far, that doesn’t mean we won’t find one tomorrow. And even if all the personal growth courses and workshops haven’t given you the freedom and joy you’ve been seeking thus far, that doesn’t mean that there is nothing out there that ever will.

I’ve talked to a number of people recently who have given up on ever finding a way to get rid of the barriers to a happy and fulfilling life. After 20 or 30 years of sitting through one course after another, reading one book after another, and going to one therapist after another—none of which resulted in a real change—they feel as if nothing is ever going to work. And the despair that comes from concluding nothing will ever help them makes whatever problem they started with feel even worse.

My purpose for this blog post is for people whose perspective on life is: “I’d like to be truly happy but probably never will”—to shift to: “It is possible for my life to work—and if I never give up hope it will.”

Obviously I think The Lefkoe Method is one very effective solution. It worked for me and for tens of thousands of others. But regardless of what method eventually works for you, don’t ever give up hope that someday it will all turn out and you will achieve the happiness you’ve always imagined was possible. Don’t allow frustration to destroy your dreams.

I persevered, never gave up hope, and finally created the life I had hoped was possible … and you can too.

Please forward this to anyone you think it might help.

Please share below any comments you have on having the life you’ve always dreamed of.

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Are you a victim?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 19:12:54 +0000

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We all know people who are “victims”—people who view their lives through the filter: “It’s not my fault. They (or it) did it to me.” When you understand what the feeling of victimization really is, where it comes from, and how it affects people, you will discover it is even more widespread and debilitating than you might think.

The primary source of feeling like a victim is the feeling of powerlessness and, because we don’t like feeling that we are powerless, we tend to blame someone or something for causing that feeling. So we feel that we are a victim of circumstances or other people’s actions and we can’t do anything about it. Being a victim is experiencing yourself at the effect of something outside yourself.

Photo credit: jillallyn

Thus the single most important belief responsible for the feeling of victimization is I’m powerless. Other beliefs that could underlie this feeling include: I’ll never get what I want, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.

Why feeling victimized is so debilitating

The reason feeling victimized is so debilitating is that it undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. If you are having difficulties in any area of your life, such as relationships or money, and you experience yourself as powerful and in control of your life, you can devise a strategy to improve your situation. And if one solution doesn’t work, you can learn from your experience and try again.

But if you have a victim mentality—in other words, if you feel powerless to affect your circumstances—you are likely to feel that the world is “doing it” to you and that there is nothing you can do about it.

That’s why this is one of the most devastating problems you can have: If you have any other problem, but see yourself as responsible for your situation, you have the ability to look for and implement a solution. If you have the problem of feeling victimized by life or other people, you are less likely to look for and implement a solution because you feel you can’t do anything about your situation.

Most victims can be identified by their conversation, which consists of a lot of “woe is me” and “it’s not my fault” language. However, there also is the “stoic” victim. Such people do not complain and keep a “stiff upper lip,” but underneath they experience a sense of victimization. Such people frequently don’t even let themselves know how they are feeling.

So victims are not just people who speak their victimization, but also those who have that experience underneath a veneer of confidence and “Everything’s okay; really it is.”

Typical characteristics of victims

Here are a few other important characteristics of victims:

People who are victims usually don’t see that the only thing in common between all the people and situations they think they have been victimized by is themselves.

Victims usually are people you can’t depend on, because they deny responsibility for their actions. They are quick to blame other people and situations for anything that doesn’t work in their lives.

Victims don’t have resilience, which is the ability to quickly bounce back after being knocked down.

Victims generally are passive.

Victims are usually angry at the people or events they think have “done them wrong,” and underneath the feeling of anger is almost always the feeling of powerlessness.

Successful people are rarely victims. One might be able to be a victim and still make money in rare cases, but usually it would be difficult for victims to be successful. To be successful you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Victims are, by definition, people who do not acknowledge responsible for their actions and who blame outside forces.

So if you are a victim or know someone else who is, what can you do to help yourself or the other person? Fortunately, the source of this problem is similar to the source of almost every other problem: your beliefs. Reality and other people are not causing you to feel like a victim; your beliefs are. Get rid of the beliefs that cause the problem and the feeling of victimization will disappear for good.

Please share below any comments you have on my thoughts about victimization.

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What’s the difference between change and transformation?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 21:23:00 +0000

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If you’re reading this blog post you probably are interested in transformation. But I suspect that what you mean by transformation is very different from what others mean by the same word.

I’m a member of the Transformational Leadership Council, a group of “transformational” leaders, and I’ll bet if I asked each member what he/she meant by the term transformation we would get almost as many definitions as there are members.

So I would like to suggest a definition of transformation, not as the last word on the subject, but as a starting place for a discussion that I hope you will join after reading this post.

A butterfly emerging from its cocoon. (Photo by Randy Read)

Three types of change

I’d like to start by distinguishing between three very different types of change. Let’s call them first, second, and third order change. (I got my idea about three types of change from Gregory Bateson’s distinction between three types of learning in his book, Steps to an Ecology of Mind.)

First order change is a change in behavior that is consistent with your existing worldview, your existing beliefs, your existing “creation” (who you think you are). Let me give you an example. If you believe exercise is good and you like to exercise and you have beliefs that lead you to exercise regularly—and then you learn about a different exercise routine that would be better for your health—you probably would start using the new routine.

First order change is a change in behavior that does not require a change in one’s beliefs, in one’s view of oneself, in one’s “creation.” It only requires information you didn’t know before.

Second order change is a change in who we think we are in order to implement a change that is inconsistent with who we think we are.

In an earlier post I made the point that information and motivation usually do not result in change because often information is inconsistent with your belief system. And in the long run, it is difficult to act inconsistently with your beliefs.

So if we believe exercise is not necessary, that we don’t have time for it (because it is way down on our list of values), and that it is not fun, then learning about a new exercise or even learning that exercise is good for our health probably will not result in us using the new information we have gotten about exercising.

In order for that to happen, we need to change something about ourselves, probably our beliefs about exercise.

Second order change is a shift in your worldview, your beliefs, your “creation”—that opens up new possibilities for new actions that weren’t possible before.

If second order change is changing from one creation (our overall view of who we think we are) to a different creation, then third order change is being able to distinguish yourself as the creator of your creation. As such you have the ability to create a new creation at any time, which would create new possibilities and make any new information useable.

Categorizing offerings from the Lefkoe Institute

When I take a look at what we at the Lefkoe Institute offer people, I would say that my blog and most of my videos are representative of first order change. In other words, they provide information that will be useful and used by people who already have certain beliefs and will not be used (or even understood) by people with different beliefs.

If second order change consists of changing your beliefs and your “creation,” then the processes that eliminate beliefs and conditionings on all of our streaming video and DVD packages and in our one-on-one sessions provide second order change.

For example, in the Natural Confidence program you change from someone with a low level of self-confidence to someone with a high level of self-confidence. You also change from someone who is concerned about what others think of you to someone who is no longer concerned with what others think of you.

In fact, whenever you eliminate even one belief, you are changing your creation. You can see possibilities for your life that you couldn’t see before and you can do and feel things you couldn’t do and feel before.

To make this real, ask yourself what are the possibilities for a nurturing, long-term relationship for someone with the beliefs: I’m not lovable, relationships don’t work, men/women can’t be trusted. And what are the possibilities for someone with the opposite beliefs: I am lovable, relationships can work, and men/women can be trusted? Can you get how changing a few beliefs can drastically shift your sense of yourself and change the possibilities in your life?

Helping people stop their emotional eating using the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process is another example of a second order change program. Who you think you are changes from someone with an eating problem to someone who no longer has that eating problem. For someone who struggles daily with the problem of overeating, being able to totally eliminate that problem is not a negligible thing. This second order change program is life-changing. So I am not minimizing second order change programs.

So what is an example of a third order change program? The Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process, which is offered on all our streaming video and DVDs packages, and is a part of most of our one-on-one sessions, enables you to experience yourself as the creator of your creation. In that state you profoundly experience that you are not merely any given creation, you are the creator of all of them.

Our new Occurring Course is a good example of a third order change program because you learn how to change your experience of life at will by dissolving what you had thought was reality (in other words, how reality was occurring for you) and be left facing naked reality, without any meaning attached to it. Learning how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) in this course enables you to shift how you experience life, to eliminate negative feelings in moments, and to create a host of new possibilities for your life.

Interestingly enough, using the LOP to dissolve your “occurrings” usually puts you into the same “creator state” as the WAIR? Process, where you experience no limitations and unlimited possibilities. In this altered state of consciousness you experience yourself as the creator of your life, not as a specific creation.

All three types of change can be extremely valuable

Getting information you did not have before that you are able to use to improve your life can make a profound impact on your life (first order change).

Shifting your experience of yourself from one creation to another and creating new possibilities for your life that did not exist before can make a profound impact on your life (second order change).

And distinguishing yourself as the creator of your life—as opposed to a specific creation—and being able to change your experience of yourself and life at will can make a profound impact on your life (third order change).

So classifying change and programs that produce change into three categories is not at all meant to diminish one type or exalt another. All are different and each can be useful in different situations.

However, I suggest that the term “transformation” be reserved for the third type of change. This is change that results in you distinguishing yourself as the changer and not that which is being changed, that empowers you to initiate continued change on your own, and that enables you to create your experience of life moment by moment.

Please share below any comments you have on first, second, and third order change and my ideas on transformation.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, please check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

Can children eliminate beliefs?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:08:03 +0000

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I am often asked: Can the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) be used to help children eliminate beliefs?

My answer is that it depends on the child: Is the child able to deal with the abstractions of the process? If the child can, then the LBP should work. One trick is to simplify some of the steps and use language that can be understood by a younger child. I did that when we did our study with incarcerated offenders and the LBP was effective with teens as young as 14 to 15 years old. Since then Shelly has used the LBP with several children 12 or 13 years old, who presented a wide variety of problems including ADD and ADHD.

The very youngest child who was ever successful with the LBP was my daughter Blake when she was only six years old. I am going to summarize my conversation with her at that time because you will see how easy it can be to use the LBP with young children. (By the way, you’ll see from this example how easy it can be to use the LBP with adults when you know the belief and the source of the belief.)

On many occasions, Shelly and I had taken Blake to fairs and shows where there were hundreds of people and she usually enjoyed herself at these events. One Saturday we took her to a school that was having games, face painting, and a lot of other activities for kids. We had been inside only a few minutes when Blake screamed and exclaimed, “I’m scared! I want to leave!”

“What’s wrong?” we asked her.

“I don’t know. I’m just scared. I want to leave,” she repeated.

We tried to find out what was scaring her, but she didn’t know. The closest she could come to an answer was that there were a lot of people there. I reminded her that she had never before been afraid of crowds. What was it about this crowd that was so scary? She didn’t know. When we realized that the fear wasn’t going away, we left.

When we got home I sat down with Blake and asked, “Do you remember that Mommy and Daddy talk about the work we do with people in our sessions? How we help them with things that bother them in their lives?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like me to try to help you figure out what is scaring you? You’ve never been scared of crowds before.”

“Okay,” she said solemnly.

I started to help her identify the belief. Blake named it almost immediately. “Crowds are dangerous.”

“Okay, what happened that gave you that idea?”

She didn’t pause even for a minute. “Remember when we went to the Italian street fair? Remember the lady who burned me with the cigarette?”

I certainly did remember. The fair had been mobbed; we could barely walk. We had been there for only a few minutes when Blake had screamed in pain. A woman had walked by her, swinging a lighted cigarette in her hand, and had hit Blake’s arm with it. The woman then turned around, yelled at Blake, “Watch where you’re going!” and walked away. Fortunately the burn wasn’t bad and we had stayed for another couple of hours.

“So did you decide crowds are dangerous based on your experience at that fair?”

“Yes.”

“I can see why you decided that. It made a lot of sense to conclude that. A lot of people would have said the same thing, honey. Now we’re going to play a little game. What else could explain what happened to you other than what you said? It really could be that crowds are dangerous. But what else would explain what happened?”

She wasn’t sure what I meant, so I said, “For example, that fair was dangerous, but maybe not all other fairs will be dangerous.”

She got into the spirit of the game. I gave one interpretation, then she gave one:

* That woman didn’t care if she hurt you, but other women would.

* People carrying lighted cigarettes can hurt me; people without cigarettes won’t.

* That person wasn’t careful with her cigarette, but most people would be.

* I’ll get hurt at some crowded places, not others.

* The crowd at that fair was dangerous; other crowds wouldn’t be.

* I’ll get hurt at fairs, but not other crowded places.

* People who are not careful with lighted cigarettes are dangerous, not crowds.

Blake was having fun with the alternative interpretations part of the LBP.

“Okay, honey,” I said, “can you see that it made sense for you to conclude when you got burned that crowds are dangerous, but that there are a lot of other explanations for what happened?”

She understood what I was saying. She nodded.

I looked directly into her eyes and asked, “Didn’t it seem, at the fair, right after you got burned, that you saw right in front of you that crowds are dangerous and that you’ll get hurt?”

“Yes, that’s what I saw.”

“Is it clear now, honey, that you didn’t see that, you only imagined that? You did see one woman burn you, but you never saw with your eyes that all crowds are dangerous. Did you?”

“I know what you mean, Daddy, I didn’t see it. I only thought it.”

I had hoped the LBP would work with Blake, but despite her ability to deal with abstractions that she had shown in many conversations we had had previously, I still wasn’t sure she’d be able to do the LBP. But she had. This was the first time I had worked with a really young child and she had used the LBP to eliminate a belief that could have negatively impacted the rest of her life. I was really excited about the possibilities, but first I had to finish with Blake.

“Do you still believe that crowds are dangerous?

“No,” she said, smiling.

“Could you imagine being in a crowd that wasn’t dangerous?”

“Yes, I could, daddy.”

P.S. The next time we went to a fair Blake experienced no fear and had a great time.

Using the LBP with children won’t always work, but you have nothing to lose if you try. And if you succeed, you’ll be saving the child from a lifetime of fear, anxiety, etc.

Please share below any comments you have on using the LBP with children.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Proof: Three Scientific Studies Prove The Lefkoe Method Works

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 21:35:28 +0000

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We are almost ready to submit an article to a major peer-reviewed journal based on a just-completed independent university study of The Lefkoe Method and it made me realize that I’ve never blogged about our two prior studies.

All three studies are exciting because very few people in the personal growth area have ever submitted their work to independent researchers at a major institution and encouraged them to study their products and services.

We have now done this three times and each time the results proved that The Lefkoe Method (TLM) does make significant changes in people’s lives.

The first study with incarcerated offenders

The first study was conducted in 1995 with incarcerated offenders, both adults and teens, just before they were released. The purpose of the study was: “We propose to examine the efficacy of the Decision Maker^® Process [since renamed the Lefkoe Belief Process] as an intervention to improve self-esteem, enhance an internal locus of control, and to reduce hostility, social alienation and anti-social behavior in eight incarcerated criminals.”

What were the results? Here is the conclusion drawn by Dr. Lee Sechrest, Professor Emeritus at the University of Arizona and the chief researcher:

“The simplest, and we think fairly compelling conclusion, is that the intervention resulted in generally favorable changes in self-concept in the Experimental group [the group that eliminated beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief process] and that without intervention, self-concepts would likely have deteriorated during confinement….

“All in all, this little experiment has to be regarded as a fairly remarkable success. Certainly it justifies efforts to carry out further testing to determine whether the changes observed can be dependably produced. If they can, the DM Process [the Lefkoe Belief Process] could have definite promise in helping young male offenders mend their ways.”

His comments, which were cloaked in academic jargon, don’t come close to revealing the effects of our first research attempt. Here are a few statements from subjects at the end of the study:

“Last weekend I went home and was with my buddies. They all carry guns and I felt like going home to get mine. Normally I would have gone and gotten it. Instead I just left. I had gone with them deliberately just to see what I would do. In the future I don’t plan to hang out with these guys anymore.”

“I no longer ‘rank’ on my little brother when I go home. Now I feel like I’m getting healthy. I’m going back to school and getting a high school diploma. I can get somewhere. You gave me a boost to get somewhere. I don’t even think about selling drugs anymore.”

“I’m not straining like I used to. I’m not self-destructive anymore. It doesn’t feel like I have to bite the bullet. My life used to be very strange, scary. I was afraid life would be a bore. I needed drugs to keep life from being boring. Always lived for the moment. None of this is true anymore.”

“I had thought about a career in drug and alcohol abuse counseling, but I liked easy money so I stayed selling drugs and never pursued it. I never thought about the possible consequences of selling drugs: getting killed, prison, etc. Before there was no worry, no fear. Now I am aware of what I have to lose if I go back to negative ways of thinking and acting. I used to solve all my problems with ‘F— it!’ Now money is not the greatest issue, happiness is.”

The second study with people who feared public speaking

Our first study was conducted with a few subjects and really was only a pilot. But the results were impressive enough to get Dr. Sechrest to agree to conduct another study in 2006. The purpose of this second study was to determine if The Lefkoe Method could totally eliminate the fear of public speaking.

The results of this study were published in a peer-reviewed journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy and stated:

“The large, positive changes on all outcome measures subsequent to treatment give strong support to the claim of efficacy of the TLM for reducing fear associated with speaking in public. … The TLM resulted in substantial decreases or complete eliminations of fear, accompanied by positive changes in confidence and reduced negative sensations felt during speaking in public in the experimental group. Overall, the TLM appears to have potential as an effective, quick, and convenient procedure to eliminate the fear of speaking in public.” (Emphasis added.)

Specifically, the mean level of fear for subjects before they used TLM at the start of the study was 7, with 1 being no anxiety at all and 10 being extreme fear. After eliminating the relevant beliefs and conditionings, the mean level for fear was 1.5.

In a follow up six months later, the fear level was still only 1.9.

The third study is finally complete

The latest study, also conducted at the University of Arizona but by different researchers, is finally complete after over a year’s worth of testing.

We compared a group of people who purchased our Natural Confidence program (which eliminates 19 of the most common beliefs and 4 of the most common conditionings) with a group of students who used the same program, a group of people who used a Tony Robbins CD program, and with a control group. We then compared the effects we found with those found in several different studies that used the same measures we did to evaluate the impact of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

The results, which I will not reveal until they have been peer-reviewed by experts in the field (this is standard practice in science), support most of the claims we have been making for TLM and Natural Confidence. We observed significant improvements in virtually everything we measured, including improvements of almost 50% in one area.

I look forward to sharing specific results as soon as our work has been peer-reviewed and the journal article is published.

We want to conduct more studies

At this point we would like to initiate a number of other studies.

I would like to validate our experience that emotional eating can be totally stopped in a matter of hours, despite the fact that nothing else has ever been able to do that.
I want to prove that TLM can totally “cure” a number of specific psychological problems, such as social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression.
I want to investigate and learn more about the profound results that have been produced during the Occurring Courses.
And finally I would like independent evidence to prove that each of our programs does what we claim it to do, such as get rid of the fear of rejection, stop worrying about what people think of you, stop the little voice in your head that is often so critical of you, and end procrastination.

I have several reasons for wanting to get as many studies as we can get.

First, hardly anyone else in the personal growth field is willing to submit their work to independent researchers to see if their claims can be validated. (The Hoffman Process is a notable exception.) We not only welcome it, we are actively seeking researchers to work with TLM.

Second, the only way to get the licensed psychotherapists to take The Lefkoe Method seriously and start to use it with their clients is to prove its effectiveness in controlled research studies. We could help additional millions of people if TLM became an acceptable technique for psychotherapists.

And finally, the biggest problem the Lefkoe Institute has in getting people to try its products and services is skepticism: Many people have a hard time believing that beliefs can be permanently eliminated in a matter of minutes and problems that have existed for years can be permanently eliminated in a matter of a few hours. Studies from independent researchers that prove our claims to be true might help to overcome this skepticism.

Please share below any comments you have on our research studies.

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Boy, was I wrong in my last eating blog post!

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 22:58:09 +0000

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When I wrote my blog post on August 17 about how my new de-conditioning process would stop emotional eating, I made a few statements that I’ve since discovered just aren’t true.

So this post will correct those mistakes and bring you up to date on what I am currently doing to help people stop emotional eating for good.

My single biggest error was in stating, “I finally realized that almost all emotional eating involves both types [classical and operant] of conditioning.” In fact, I’m now pretty sure that neither of these types of conditioning is involved.

Conditioning is still the primary cause of eating when you aren’t really hungry; I’m still convinced that most emotional eating is the result of conditioning that is set off by triggers and rewards. However, the conditioning involved seems to be a unique type that doesn’t fit the description of either of the two major types that psychologists are familiar with.

In this post I’ll describe what this unique type of conditioning is and how it is formed. I’ll also explain when beliefs are and are not involved in emotional eating, which I was not clear about earlier.

Conditioning of eating happens in one of two ways. The first and most common is when you have some negative feeling or experience and then just happen to eat and experience a “pleasurable distraction.” In other words, when you eat you experience a pleasurable feeling instead of a negative feeling and you also have a distraction from the negative feeling. After (unconsciously) noticing many times that eating provides a pleasurable distraction in that situation, you get conditioned to eat whenever that situation occurs in the future.

The second way conditioning happens is when you want a “reward,” such as wanting to feel good or comfortable, or to celebrate. You eat and then discover that you are experiencing the reward you want; after numerous connections between eating and the “reward,” eating gets conditioned to occur whenever you desire one of the rewards.

I call this process “conditioning” because the behavior (eating) is experienced as compulsive, as driven. Eating happens automatically and requires considerable will power to stop.

Why does eating get conditioned so often and not other behaviors?

Why do so many people condition eating and not some other behavior? The answer is simple. There are no other “pleasurable distractions” that naturally occur three times a day.

Imagine that one of your triggers occurs frequently in your life, such as negative feelings, boredom, loneliness, or feeling unlovable. Imagine further that you go to a movie several times a day and you notice over and over that the movie almost always provides a pleasurable distraction from the negative experience. Can you see that going to the movies would eventually become a conditioned response to your negative triggers?

In other words, eating is the most common response to our triggers only because we normally eat more often than anything else that provides a pleasurable distraction.

I had thought that the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process (LDP) was effective with emotional eating because it de-conditioned classical and operant conditioning. I still think the LDP can be effective with operant conditioning, but the reason it is so effective with emotional eating is it also de-conditions the unique type of conditioning involved in emotional eating. (The Lefkoe Stimulus Process is effective with classical conditioning.)

Moreover, although the basic elements of the LDP haven’t changed recently, I make some small change in the Process from time to time, because I keep learning something new with each client. Luckily, even the earlier versions of the LDP worked to help my clients de-condition eating in response to their triggers and rewards.

The role of beliefs

Here’s another mistake I made in my last blog post about emotional eating. I had thought, because getting rid of beliefs never stopped emotional eating and because de-conditioning did with most clients, beliefs had nothing to do with emotional eating. That was a logical fallacy on my part. Just because beliefs are not the sole cause of emotional eating doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be a partial cause for some people.

I now think that conditioning is almost always involved, but beliefs also can be involved for some people.

Here’s the way it looks to me now. Most people with an emotional eating problem have been conditioned to eat in response to various triggers and rewards. This is true regardless of the client’s environment as a child.

However, if someone has grown up in an environment in which one’s parents have an eating problem and they talk frequently about dieting, losing weight, being too heavy, being “good” on days they stay on their diet and “bad “ on days when they do not, and “good” foods and “bad” foods, then such people are likely to form a bunch of beliefs that result in food and eating being a constant issue in their lives … in addition to the conditioning.

Here is a list of a few of the beliefs one of my clients identified and eliminated: If I can’t eat “bad” foods, I’m missing out. “Bad” foods make you fat. To lose weight you can’t eat anything “bad.” The way to keep food from running my life (like it did my mom’s) is to eat whatever I want to eat.

Can you see how such beliefs probably would lead to emotional eating? Beliefs like these would have to be eliminated before one’s emotional eating would stop completely. I’ve been able to help clients with the type of belief eliminate their relevant eating beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process.

I want to distinguish between beliefs that directly lead to emotional eating (like those just discussed) and those that lead to triggers that lead to emotional eating. The beliefs listed above would directly lead to emotional eating. Beliefs also can lead to negative feelings (such as anxiety, anger and upset), feeling sorry for oneself (a sense of victimization), feeling unlovable, etc. These conditions then can become triggers for emotional eating. But these beliefs do not have to be eliminated before emotional eating can be totally stopped.

Not all beliefs have to be eliminated

Why are these beliefs different? Because if the LDP unhooks these triggers from emotional eating, it becomes possible to deal with the triggers with behaviors other than emotional eating, such as talking to friends, listening to music, exercising, reading a book, or any activity one truly enjoys. Although these activities have always existed as possible ways to deal with the triggers that emotional eaters have, they are rarely chosen as alternatives because eating already has been conditioned to occur immediately (unless stopped by will power) following the presence of the trigger. Once eating has become de-conditioned and is no longer a compulsive behavior, you then have the time to calmly find another activity that will provide a “pleasurable distraction.”

Why has it been so difficult to stop emotional eating?

So many of you with an emotional eating problem have tried so many diets and pills and eating programs that you are now skeptical that anything can help you. That conclusion is understandable. You have been disappointed so many times. It would make sense to now believe that people’s claims about emotional eating solutions just don’t work.

But if you now understand the role of conditioning, you understand that diets—which consist of eating something different and eating less than you normally would eat—work only to the extent you are using will power to overcome the compulsion to eat more than the diets permit, whenever triggers or the desire for rewards are present.

And even though pills can affect your appetite or change how you process food internally, they cannot stop the compulsion to eat more than you are hungry for in response to triggers and rewards. Only de-conditioning can do that permanently.

As long as I stay on the cutting edge in creating effective solutions for the problems we face in life, I’ll make mistakes from time to time. Luckily I eliminated the belief Mistakes are bad a long time ago, so mistakes are no longer the problem they used to be for me. In fact, I now see them as great learning opportunities.

What makes my work so fulfilling is that the more I learn, the more there is to learn. And the new learning sometimes overturns the old learning. Life doesn’t get much better than that!

If you’d like more information about emotional eating or how the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process works to stop it, please read my free Special Report, “How To Stop Emotional Eating For Good,” at http://eatingreport.com.

Please share any comments below that you have regarding this post discussing emotional eating.

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To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Why we have negative emotions … and what to do about them

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 21:19:27 +0000

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For many years I had asked myself the questions: What is the real source of our negative emotions? Why do so many things cause fear in our lives that aren’t inherently scary? And why do some people experience negative emotions while other people don’t in similar situations?

About eight years ago I wrote a paper for myself on the source of negative emotions. Today’s post is a summary of that paper. I think you’ll find some fascinating material here and I’m excited to get your responses and start a conversation.

* * *

What is an emotion?

An emotion is the experiential, chemical, and neuro‑physiological response a conscious being has to a stimulus. (I am concerned here only with negative emotions in human beings.)

If specific emotions were created by specific stimuli, then a particular stimulus would produce the same emotion in every person. In fact, different people have varied emotional responses to the same stimulus.

Then what does cause emotions? Except for stimuli that are explicit threats to our physical survival, stimuli themselves do not have inherent meaning for adults. The meaning adults give to events is what triggers emotions. On the other hand, certain events can have inherent meaning for children.

A specific stimulus is a necessary condition for an emotion, but not a sufficient condition. An additional condition that has to be present is a meaning given to the meaningless stimulus—that entails either a threat to survival, or a sense of powerlessness or helplessness that is indirectly, but ultimately related to a threat to survival.

Thus for adults to experience a negative emotion, they require either (1) beliefs that cause a stimulus to be experienced as a threat to their survival or beliefs that produce a sense of powerlessness or helplessness; and/or, (2) conditioning, that occurred in childhood, that links a stimulus and an emotion together. (Phobias also are the result of conditioning, but that conditioning can occur later in life when there is a perceived threat to one’s survival.)

(If all negative emotions ultimately can be traced to a threat to one’s survival, then the ultimate source of negative emotions is the belief/perception that we are a separate creation, a thing, whose survival really is at stake. If that is the case, perhaps all positive emotions can be traced to a feeling of inclusiveness, wholeness, a lack of separation—to the recognition that who we really are is a non-dual consciousness whose survival can never be at stake.)

It is a child’s inherent dependency on others that makes it possible for him to directly experience a threat to his survival in the face of certain stimuli. Children also experience powerlessness and helplessness and these experiences are directly related to a sense that their survival is at stake.

The Cause of Specific Negative Emotions

Fear is our emotional response to something that we interpret to be a direct threat to our physical well‑being. All other negative emotions are the result of interpreting events as a threat to our mental/emotional well‑being. They are our response to something that is an indirect threat to our physical well‑being, namely, something that makes us feel powerless. Specifically, negative emotions other than fear are our response to something that is a threat to our efficacy, our “okayness,” our ability to act on our own behalf to do what is necessary to survive.

To summarize what we’ve seen thus far: the perception that something is a threat to our survival causes fear. The experience of powerlessness, the inability to take the actions necessary to survive, is the source of all the other “negative” emotions. (Guilt is the only exception, which is more directly related to fear, as explained below.)

Physical pain is a symptom of an underlying malfunction of the body. It is a sign of a dysfunctional physical/body state. It is a signal that there’s something wrong with the body, a potential threat to the survival of the body. Mental pain, which is experienced as negative emotion, is a signal there’s something wrong psychologically. It is a signal that we either are being threatened directly or that our efficacy (our ability to deal with threats) is being impaired, which results in a feeling of powerlessness.

Anger is the emotion we feel toward that which does something (or refrains from doing something) that results in our feeling powerless, helpless, and inefficacious.

Sadness, unhappiness, grief, and sorrow are emotions that result from feeling powerless in the face of not having (or not being able to have) what we want, or losing something we had.

Jealousy is the emotion we feel toward someone whom we experience as taking away from us something we want and we feel powerless to do anything about it.

Envy is the emotion we feel toward someone who has something we want—when we see ourselves as powerless to do anything to get it.

Shame is the emotion caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace, which makes us feel we aren’t okay. If we aren’t okay, there is an implied impairment of our power to deal with possible threats to our survival.

Guilt is the emotion we feel as a result of a judgment we place on ourselves. When we feel guilty, we experience ourselves as “bad” because we don’t think, feel or do what we should have or could have thought, felt or done. This judgment makes us feel we aren’t okay. Guilt is a function of thinking we have done something bad.

If guilt requires the concept of bad, what is bad? For adults, beliefs determine which behaviors are good or bad. For a child, good consists of doing what parents want and approve of. Bad consists of not doing what parents want and approve of. Therefore, for a child, bad is usually associated with withdrawal of love, which, for a child, necessarily produces fear. Thus fear always underlies and is the foundation for guilt.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame results from concluding: I am inherently flawed. Guilt results from concluding: I did something bad.

How fear occurs as a result of conditioned stimuli

The real cause of fear is always the perception that our physical survival is being threatened. The real cause of all other negative emotions, except guilt, is always the experience of powerlessness or inefficacy that is inherent in being a child. The real cause of guilt is the perception that our physical survival will be threatened because we are bad.

Let’s use this understanding of how emotions are caused to explain how certain stimuli directly cause emotions in children and how other, neutral stimuli become conditioned to cause emotions in adults.

When emotions are caused by conditioning, we have an emotion today whenever we are confronted with any stimuli that in the past we associated with the realcause of the emotion. Let me explain.

Pavlov’s experiments with dogs are the classic example of this conditioning process. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it becomes associated with a stimulus that inherently produces such a response.

In almost every instance of a stimulus that has been conditioned to produce fear, the stimulus itself did not cause fear in a child. The fear almost always was caused by the meaning the child gave to her parents’ behavior at the time the stimulus was present, namely, the parent’s behavior means the child will be rejected, which means it will be abandoned, which means it will die. Because children experience themselves as dependent on their parents for their literal survival, children inherently feel fear whenever their parents do anything that a child experiences as rejection or potential abandonment.

To show how childhood conditioning results in adult fear, let’s use as an example an adult who feels fear whenever he makes a mistake or even thinks about making a mistake. When did he first experience fear associated with making a mistake? Assume that as a child his parents usually got angry when he made a mistake (in other words, when he didn’t do what his parents wanted him to do). The anger (the parents’ response to his mistake) made him feel rejected, which to him meant he’d be abandoned, which to him meant he’d die. That perceived threat to his survival is the real source of the fear, not making a mistake. But because he almost always experienced fear whenever he made a mistake, making a mistake (a neutral stimulus) became conditioned to cause the fear.

Making a mistake didn’t initially cause the fear. The meaning the child read into the parents’ response is what really caused the fear. The child didn’t distinguish between what really caused the fear and an event that just happened to accompany what really caused the fear. Therefore the latter event became conditioned to cause the fear. Later in life, the conditioned event continues to cause fear even when the true cause of the fear is absent.

Phobias are the result of conditioning that can occur at any age. You can be conditioned to fear dogs, or heights, or even specific people. You had an experience (or observed someone having an experience with which you identified) with the stimulus that you interpreted to mean a physical threat to you. Now, even if the physical threat is absent, the stimulus produces the fear. Again, the neutral stimulus has been conditioned to produce the fear. It merely accompanied the fear earlier, just as Pavlov’s bell merely accompanied the food.

How the Stimuli for Anger Get Conditioned

Now let’s look at how childhood conditioning produces other emotions, where there is not a perceived threat to survival.

Let’s assume you experience anger whenever you are told what to do. Merely being told to do something does not inherently cause anger. Being told what to do has become conditioned to produce anger.

Imagine that as a child you experienced anger when you were told what to do. The real cause of the anger was not merely being told what to do. It was the powerlessness you felt because you had no ability to refuse. If you had been told what to do, but always had the option to negotiate and frequently ended up not having to do what you had been told to do, you would not have experienced anger when you were told what to do.

Being told what to do became conditioned to cause anger because you never distinguished between the real source of the anger—the powerlessness you felt when you couldn’t refuse your parent’s demands—and the demands themselves.

The same conditioning process occurs with all the other emotions, except guilt, which is more directly tied to a threat to one’s survival than to powerlessness.

Although this is far from the last word on a complicated issue, this theory does explain why fear and guilt are ultimately a function of a perceived threat to one’s survival, and why all other negative emotions are a function of powerlessness. Maybe our negative feelings won’t be quite as mysterious to us as they are now.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts about our negative emotions.

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What do you want a lot of that will hurt you when you get it?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 21:51:09 +0000

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What do you desperately desire, that the more you get, the harder it will be to achieve your goals in life?

Answers.

Let me explain.

It seems that nothing would make most of us happier than getting the answer to our questions, such as how to improve our relationships, how to make more money, and how to get anything else we want in life.

But answers are a type of belief. They are a solution to a problem, the way to do or get something.

And like all beliefs, answers are “a truth,” not “the truth.” Like all beliefs, answers are limiting, whereas questions are constantly pointing us in the right direction. In fact, answers actually prevent learning and change. Questions make them possible. Why? …

Learning and changing are relatively easy—when we don’t think we already have the answers. Most children naturally and effortlessly acquire such complicated skills as learning how to speak and read. For children, learning is a not a difficult task.

As we grow older something happens in most of us that severely hinders our learning: we think we already know the truth—we already have the answer.

To make this assertion real, consider this:

What do you ask a lot of when you don’t know how to do something? … You ask questions, right?

What happens to the questions when you discover how to do it? … They stop, don’t they?

If you think you already know the right way to do something, how open are you to learning a better way? … You aren’t, are you?

The history of corporate icons, such as GM and Lehman Brothers, is filled with stories of companies that thought they knew how to succeed, that were convinced they had the answer for how to succeed—and that failed while still proclaiming they were doing the right thing.

You see there is no “right” way to do anything at all times under all conditions. There is only the best strategy for the moment. And as circumstances change, the best way to deal with them changes also.

That gives us a clue to an alternative for “answers.” Instead of trying to find the “right” way to do or achieve anything, look for the best way at the moment. And then keep asking the same question regularly. If your reality doesn’t change much, the best way of dealing with it probably won’t change much either. But when reality changes enough, the best way of dealing with it will change, and the old answer will no longer be a good one.

This is why in a world that is changing rapidly strategies developed early in the year at a corporate retreat usually become inappropriate long before the end of the year. The same principle is true for individuals who are constantly looking for answers for how to achieve their goals. What worked yesterday or what worked for someone else, won’t necessarily work today or for you.

Don’t ever settle for the “answer.” Always hold your answers as working hypotheses, subject to constant checking and actual revisions when necessary. Live out of questions and observe what emerges. I promise you will be more successful than if you operate out of answers derived from what worked for you yesterday or what worked for someone else.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on why answers prevent new learning and actually can inhibit our ability to get what we want in life.

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How to eliminate suffering and get enlightened

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:01:45 +0000

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There are two fundamentally different ways in which we can experience ourselves.

First, the way most of us usually experience ourselves: as a creation—a separate entity distinct from other entities, whose survival is always at stake. Some people call this the ego.

Second, as the creator of that creation—as consciousness, as Self, as non-dual awareness, as that which has always existed and always will exist.

The creation is experienced as an entity that is either “good enough” or “not good enough.” The creator, consciousness, Self is not experienced as someThing; rather it is a state of consciousness in which one experiences oneself as whole and complete, with nothing missing. On the other hand, because the creation is something specific, there is always something it is not, in other words, there is always something missing.

What is enlightenment?

Enlightenment consists of distinguishing yourself and then experiencing (as distinct from understanding) that you already are the creator, Self, consciousness—not merely the creation—it’s just that most people haven’t experienced it yet.

Therefore, transformation or enlightenment is not a place to get to; you are already there. And transformation or enlightenment is nothing more than (continually) creating that experience for yourself.

Why we need self-esteem

If we are going to experience ourselves as a creation, we need a high level of self-esteem. Why? Because when we experience ourselves as someThing whose survival is always at stake, we need to believe I’m able to survive (good enough, important, capable), and worthy of surviving. (Nathaniel Branden was the first person I know to point this out.) And a high level of self-esteem is more conducive to our survival than a low level of self-esteem.

But when you distinguish yourself as the creator of the creation (which you can easily experience with the “Who Am I Really?” Process), then a paradox occurs: you no longer need a high level of self-esteem (because your survival is no longer in question) and you experience yourself as whole and complete, as okay just the way you are, with nothing missing, anything is possible, and no limitations—which “feels like” a high level of self-esteem.

Although it is possible to change the creation (by eliminating our beliefs about ourselves, which changes how we act and feel)—the very fact of experiencing ourselves as a creation will necessarily result in experiencing something missing, some limitations, and, as the Buddha said: some degree of suffering.

Some suffering seems to be inherent in the experience of ourselves as a creation, an entity whose survival is always at stake. Let me explain why.

If some things are good for us (conducive to our survival), then other things are bad for us (a threat to our survival). And when we encounter anything that we consider to be a threat to our survival, we feel anxiety and suffer. Depending on our beliefs and who we think are, we can be threatened by people who are angry at us, not being liked by people, making mistakes, not reaching our goals—in other words, by anything that we consider “bad.”

In other words, when anything we consider ourselves to be (a good parent, a hard worker, a sexy person) is threatened, we feel anxiety because we think who we are is in danger of extinction.

When we experience ourselves as a creation with a low level of self-esteem, our lives become about acquiring self-esteem. We create survival strategies—which are substitutes for self-esteem—that run our lives, such as having people think well of us, taking care of others, or doing things perfectly. We think these survival strategies will make us good enough or important. Unfortunately, it’s an endless quest because they never really work, although they can ameliorate anxiety for the moment.

The Lefkoe Method has two purposes

This is why The Lefkoe Method has a two-fold purpose: to help you change your creation (for example, from not good enough to good enough) … and also to facilitate you to distinguish and then experience yourself as the creator of the creation.

As long as you have human form you probably will experience that that form’s survival is always at stake. But it is possible to transcend that experience and distinguish yourself as the creator at any time. In that transcendent state, you experience that you are the space in which reality and time show up, that you always were and always will be, and that survival is never an issue.

So although it is possible to minimize suffering by changing the creation (eliminating beliefs that lead to dysfunctional behavior and feelings), as long as you experience yourself as a creation, suffering is always lurking just around the corner. The best way to relieve suffering is to create yourself as the creator, as Self, as non-dual awareness.

An alternative method

There seems to be a second method that I’ve been exploring recently: to detach oneself from the dualistic world in which we live—to dissolve the meaning we impose on meaningless reality—and face reality stripped bare of all meaning. When the meaning is gone, anxiety and suffering will be gone too.

Suffering and any other unpleasant emotion are the result of adding the meaning: “bad for me” (as distinct from good for me)—to a meaningless event. That meaning causes the suffering. Human beings are always creating meaning because we need to know: good or bad for my survival.

So there appears to be two ways to relieve suffering: to experience yourself as the creator—as distinct from the creation, or to act very un-creation-like and dissolve all the meaning from events, to live totally in the moment. The Lefkoe Occurring Process was designed to do just that.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on enlightenment and how to relieve suffering.

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You Create Your Experience of Reality

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 23:28:19 +0000

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When you realize that you never saw your beliefs in the world, that you only saw events that had no inherent meaning, it becomes clear that you create your beliefs—and, ultimately, reality as you experience it. Thus, everything we say is “out there”—other than what we sense (in other words, what we touch, see, hear, smell, or taste)—is a distinction we create that exists only in our mind.

Creation is the act of making distinctions

For example, you walk down the street and think you actually see “men” and “women,” when you actually only perceive what we have defined as individual human beings. You describe these human beings as “men” or “women,” but you have never actually seen “men” or “women”; they are only abstractions you have distinguished and imposed on reality. If you were to arbitrarily distinguish people into those taller and those shorter than six feet, you would eventually walk down the street and think you are seeing “shorties” and “tallies” as clearly as you now see men and women.

In Alternate Realities, Lawrence LeShan gives a simple example:

Consider how we make classes of things. “Surely,” we say, “we do not create classes. We take them as we find them ‘out there,’ male and female, animal, vegetable, and mineral. . . . We are not creating anything. We are observing things and learning their relationships.” Why then, asked one philosopher, has no one made a class of red, juicy, edible things and included meat and cherries in it? Or a class of tall, dark-haired men and women with no earlobes?

It becomes clear, as we look at LeShan’s example, that we help create and maintain the reality we perceive and react to. So nothing is until you make it so. But once you do, it must be. You can no longer not see men and women. (I once had the following printed on a t-shirt: “It isn’t until it is, and then it must be.” Can you imagine me trying to explain what I meant by that phrase to everyone who read it and asked me?)

Here is a vivid example. In The Experts Speak by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, hundreds of experts are cited who were limited in their ability to see anything outside their existing beliefs. The following is just one of the beliefs that was generally accepted as “the truth” and that determined the believer’s behavior at the time.

Cerf and Navasky tell of how

in the 1850s, a Hungarian doctor and professor of obstetrics, Ignaz Semmelweis, ordered his interns at the Viennese Lying-In Hospital to wash their hands after performing autopsies and before examining new mothers. The death rate plummeted from 22 out of 200 to two out of 200, prompting the following reaction from one of Europe’s most respected medical practitioners:

It may be that it [Semmelweis’s procedure] does contain a few good principles, but its scrupulous application has presented such difficulties that it would be necessary, in Paris for instance, to place in quarantine the personnel of a hospital the great part of a year, and that, moreover, to obtain results that remain entirely problematical.” (Dr. Charles Dubois, Parisian obstetrician, in a memo to the French Academy, on September 23, 1858.)

Semmeiweis’ superiors shared Dubois’ opinion; when the Hungarian physician insisted on defending his theories, they forced him to resign his post on the faculty.

Today this example seems ridiculous. Doesn’t everyone know that proper hygiene is a lifesaving factor in hospitals? We tend to view this as an objective reality—as a fact. But Dubois and his colleagues were operating out of a different worldview, from a different set of beliefs. Semmelweis’s theory did not fit with their beliefs about hospital care, and therefore it was not and could not be the truth for them.

The only thing that is “true” is that which you make true by definition. You create reality (truth) by making arbitrary distinctions out of nothing. Whatever you distinguish becomes real (true) by the very fact of your having made the distinction. The distinction brings something into existence. It also serves as the definition of what has been brought into existence. Our world is—but only because we said so. We are, by our very nature, conscious beings who distinguish, which means beings who create our perception of “reality.”

I want to emphasize that I am not saying we create our physical reality. Maybe we do and maybe we don’t; I’m not sure. I am saying we create our perception of physical reality, and most people don’t ever make that distinction. Getting fired or having a spouse leave us are facts in reality; the events actually do exist. That they are a disaster or an opportunity for something better is a function of our beliefs and our occurrings. So when I say we create our reality, I am saying we create our experience of reality and we can change it.

Once you have created a belief, you have created a reality (for you) in which your belief is “the truth.” (I am…. People are…. Life is….) And your life becomes consistent with that belief. You have constant evidence that the belief is true. You have a hard time even imagining possible behavior that is not consistent with your belief. It is difficult to eliminate or change the belief because you feel that you actually perceived it existing in the world. So your behavior continues to be consistent with your belief, even if it is dysfunctional and you try to change it.

When You Eliminate a Belief You Change Your Reality and Create New Possibilities

Because “things” only exist as a result of distinctions you make, when you dissolve or eliminate the distinction, that reality disappears. The following exercise demonstrates my point.

Let’s distinguish a two-dimensional figure with three straight sides from every other possible figure and call it a triangle. (A definition is nothing more than how you describe a specific distinction. It’s the “nature” of the distinction.) Now let’s change the figure by adding one more side and making it a four-sided figure with equal angles. Notice you no longer have a triangle. You now have a figure we have defined as a rectangle. The new figure no longer fits the definition of a triangle. You might say that the triangle has disappeared. It doesn’t exist.

From this illustration we learn that when the unique attributes of a “thing” are changed—when the distinction that makes it unique from other “things” is changed—that specific “thing” disappears.

This principle explains what makes a belief disappear during the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP). In the LBP you identify a specific belief, which is a conviction you have that your way of viewing the world is “the truth,” as distinguished from all other views, which are not “the truth”—they’re false. You then transform a statement that you consider to be “the truth” into a statement that you consider to be “a truth?’ Once you do that, the statement is no longer a belief. It has become merely one possible interpretation—one of many possible ways of defining reality. Thus, the belief no longer exists. It has disappeared! And when the belief is gone, your reality has changed. New possibilities appear that weren’t there before.

Conventional Psychotherapy

Most therapies assume that there is an objective world “out there” that the client is having trouble dealing with. Therefore, the conventional role of therapy is to help people cope better with that objective world. The LBP, on the other hand, assumes that there is no “reality” (for you) independent from your beliefs. Thus, altering your beliefs not only changes your behavior, your feelings, and how you perceive the world, it literally changes the world in which you function.

Because we create the world as we experience it, we can change it at will.

Do you have any suggestions or comments on these thoughts on how your beliefs create your experience of reality?

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How to get rid of your fears

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 18 May 2010 17:48:26 +0000

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I want to deeply thank the hundreds of you who shared intimate details about how your lives have been run by your fears and anger. Your stories were unbelievably honest and incredibly moving. They reminded me of how I described my own life in my journal years ago, just before I created the Lefkoe Belief Process (originally called the Decision Maker Process) and in the early months after I created it, before I had eliminated many beliefs.

Here are some excepts from my journal in the mid-1980s:

During the past few weeks I have been more and more upset, afraid, on edge. Nothing seems to be happening. I put articles, magazines, etc. out into the world, and nothing comes back. I am worried about money. I am troubled about the situation in which I have put my family.

It seems to be that there is something wrong with me, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel I am insufficient for the task I’ve set for myself.

Last night I was exhausted, crying when I got home, crying when I got up this morning.

I’m scared. And when I try to look and see what’s going on, my mind wanders and there’s a fog.

I just saw the thoughts: When all is said and done, I’m never going to make it. My life is not going to turn out.

If you didn’t know these comments were written by me many years ago, I’m sure you would assume they were among the many posts written last week describing the one area of your emotional life you would like to change.

Techniques That Didn’t Work For You

In your response to my question—What didn’t work to help you with your fear?—you said that most rational approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, positive self-talk, and rational thinking, failed. ”Just don’t let the fear stop you” also didn’t work for most of you.

Your responses were mixed on EFT, hypnosis, and NLP. Some of you said these techniques were useful, others said they dealt only with the symptoms and never got rid of the underlying causes, which made the fear and other negative feelings come back.

Why Most Approaches To Eliminating Fear Don’t Work

I promised I would explain why the approaches that didn’t work for you couldn’t work. Here’s my answer.

Imagine a person with the beliefs: I’m not good enough, mistakes and failure are bad, I’m inadequate, I’ll never get what I want, nothing I do is good enough, life is difficult, people can’t be trusted, etc. If this is his reality, can you see that he would be afraid much of the time? …

Our beliefs have the power they do because, for us, they are our reality. And that’s why most change techniques that deal only with symptoms produce only temporary relief. If the source of your fear (and other negative emotions such as anger and general upset) is your beliefs, then the only thing that will permanently get rid of the fear is to eliminate those beliefs.

Let me give you a few more examples: Our behavior and feelings are responses to our reality. So if my reality is that relationships don’t work, that I’m not lovable, and that women can’t be trusted, then being in a relationship or even having the thought of a close romantic relationship probably would produce some level of anxiety. Why? Because in my reality relationships are unpleasant and unlikely to last.

If we perceive something as threatening us, we are hard-wired to feel some level of fear. If in our reality rejection is a threat to us, rejection will cause fear. If in our reality we will never get what we want and life is dangerous, then we are likely to live with some level of anxiety almost all the time.

In other words those things that we experience as threatening will necessarily result in fear. But what determines which events are perceived as threatening to us? Interestingly enough, it’s not what is actually out there in the world. Instead, it is our beliefs about ourselves, people and life.

Tera posted a comment on my blog that clearly explains why most approaches don’t work:

“I just wanted to point out that the Lefkoe Method is the only way I know that actually gets rid of the cause of the problems ONCE AND FOR ALL rather then all those techniques that only treat the symptoms. EFT, meditation, NLP, false forgiveness and letter writing, could drastically improve the quality of our lives, but they can’t fix the beliefs that cause the problems.”

A Modification Of This Theory

Based on what I learned in the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment earlier this year, I’d like to slightly modify what I’ve just written.

There seems to be an additional step between beliefs (and conditionings) and our behavior and feelings. Let me explain. Remember I said that beliefs get their power because they are our reality and our behavior and feelings are determined by our reality.

In essence, our beliefs and conditionings are the primary determinant for how reality “occurs” for us, or “shows up” for us. And because we usually don’t distinguish between reality and the way reality occurs for us, the “occurring” is our reality and directly determines our behavior and feelings.

Here’s how it works. Say you believe I’m not good enough, I’ll never get what I want, life will never turn out for me, and other similar beliefs. Then you lose your job or your investments severely decline in value. Given those beliefs, the events probably would occur for you as a disaster, as a hole you will never get out of, as another in the many set-backs life keeps throwing at you. (I know because this is a description of my beliefs and the way life occurred for me before I used the Lefkoe Belief Process on myself.)

But can you see that all that happened in the world is that you lost your job or your investments declined in value? With different beliefs the same events would occur for you differently, such as, here is an opportunity to get an even better job, one that will be more fulfilling, or what can this experience teach me about investing that will make me a more successful investor in the future. (How do you think “set-backs” occur for Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates?)

The problem for most of us is that we rarely, if ever, distinguish between actual events in the world and how those events occur for us. For us, the way things occur for us is our reality. And even if we did notice the difference, most of us don’t know how to realize that the occurring is only in own minds and not in the world, which would make it disappear.

To Sum Up

Ultimately, getting rid of fear and other negative emotions (and undesirable behavior such as procrastination) requires eliminating the beliefs that cause the problem. Remember, however, because events as such have no meaning, they are unable to make you feel anything. So in the short-term you can get rid of negative feelings in moments by dissolving how the world is occurring for you. When you use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve the meaning you have given events (which determines how they occur for you), all your negative feelings disappear and you are left with nothing but the meaningless events.

If you eliminate the beliefs that are the source of your fear and other negative emotions and if you learn how to dissolve your “occurring world,” I promise you will be able to create your experience of life regardless of the circumstances. An experience that is free of anxiety and anger, that is instead filled with excitement, joy, and unlimited possibilities.

Now I Have Another Question For You

It’s become clear from your posts during the past week or so that a lot of you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life and yet you have a sense that something better is possible.

So in order to serve you best, please take a minute to post a comment below telling me how my team and I can best help you increase your love, happiness, success, and fulfillment in your life.

What could they possibly have been thinking?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 May 2010 22:54:58 +0000

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There was a time in America when some people were treated as property, forced to do whatever other people wanted, abused without any ability to respond, and unable to obtain their freedom. Such behavior was legal and considered appropriate by the people practicing it.

When we look at the people who exhibited that behavior we think with repulsion, “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

I’m not referring to slavery 150 years ago. I’m referring to the abuse heaped upon millions of children daily by well-meaning parents who don’t realize the long-term damage being done by spanking and other forms of punishment.

Corporal Punishment Doesn’t Work

Research has shown that corporal (physical) punishment not only doesn’t stop the behavior it was intended to stop, it produces a host of negative consequences. These studies have linked corporal punishment to adverse physical, psychological and educational outcomes.

Researcher Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D., in a 2002 meta-analytic study that combined 60 years of research on corporal punishment, found that the only positive outcome of corporal punishment was immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment was associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment was linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, problems in relationships with their parents, and likelihood of being physically abused.

Time recently described a new study published in Pediatrics that confirms the results of many earlier studies, “As five-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the non-spanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals.” (Emphasis added.)

We’ve discovered from our work with over 13,000 clients that most self-esteem beliefs are formed from interactions with parents during the first six years of life. Spanking produces the dysfunctional behavior described in the studies quoted above because it leads to such beliefs as: I’m powerless. I’m bad. I deserve to be punished. There’s something wrong with me. The way to be safe is to have power over others. Violence is an acceptable way to handle disagreements. The way to keep from being punished is to not get caught. I’m not good enough.

Despite all the evidence showing the negative consequences of spanking, many people still argue that it is a useful and appropriate tool for parents. One such person is Dr. James Dobson, a psychologist who Time called “the nation’s most influential evangelical leader.” He argues "[P]ain is a marvelous purifier. . . It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely." (Emphasis added.) (From his book, Dare to Discipline, pages 6 and 7.)

Answering the question: “I have spanked my children for their disobedience, and it didn’t seem to help. Does this approach fail with some children?”, Dobson replied:

“The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t motivate a child to avoid the consequence next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a multi-diapered thirty-month-old is not a deterrent to anything. Be sure the child gets the message — while being careful not to go too far.” (Emphasis added.) (Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide)

Now you may be thinking, I don’t spank my child and I don’t know any parents who do; it isn’t really that common anymore. In fact, it is a lot more common than you might imagine. According to the Center for Effective Discipline, in the 2006-2007 school year, 223,190 school children in the U.S. were subjected to physical punishment. A recent survey in the UK showed that seven out of 10 parents used corporal punishment on their children.

Yelling Also Can Be Abusive

But that’s only half the story. A lot of people who would never physically abuse their children abuse them emotionally on a regular basis. Such people can grasp the brutality of hitting a defenseless child, but think nothing of screaming at their child, uttering such common phrases as: “What’s wrong with you?” “Are you stupid?” “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t you understand English?” “If you were a good child you’d obey me.”

Our work with clients also has showed us that such emotional abuse often leads to as many negative beliefs about ourselves as physical abuse, including many of the same beliefs that spanking produces, plus I’m not capable, I’m not competent. Mistakes are bad. I’m not loveable. I’m not worthy. I’m inadequate.

There’s an important distinction to be made here: Physical and emotional abuse, as painful as it might be in the moment, has no long-term consequences. But the abuse inevitably leads children to form negative beliefs about themselves and life, that in turn lead to a wide variety of behavioral and emotional problems for the rest of their lives. (Thousands of clients have stopped their chronic anxiety, eating disorders, needing the approval of others, lack of confidence, etc. by eliminating the childhood beliefs that cause such debilitating problems.)

Why do we hit or yell at our children? The answer most parents probably would give is “Nothing else seems to get my children to listen.” Would you hit or yell at your friends who frustrated you because they wouldn’t listen to your advice? And if that’s not appropriate, what makes it okay to do it to defenseless children?

Shouldn’t Children Be Disciplined If They Don’t Obey?

Think of a time when you were disciplined by your parents. … Did you think: I’ll never do that again, or did you think: I’ll make sure I never get caught doing that again. … Did you learn anything from the punishment other than to make sure you don’t get caught? … Did it instill a moral sense of right and wrong and the desire to do what’s right, or were you just angry with your parents? …

Research has shown that spanking and browbeating sometimes can work to produce immediately compliance, but there is no learning involved. If they really worked to permanently change behavior you’d only have to use them once or perhaps a few times. It’s weird to me that parents justify hitting and yelling as a way to get their children to listen, and then keep doing it over and over because their children don’t listen! That reminds me of the old saying: Insanity consists of doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result.

Do We Really “Own” Our Children?

Many parents feel they are legally and morally justified in forcing their children to do whatever they arbitrarily decide they want their children to do, just because they are the parents. They hate the question “why?” because they usually don’t have an answer. If their children disobey, it’s okay for them to punish their children until they “cry.” Their justification: “How can we possibly get our kids to do what we want if we can’t spank them or yell at them?”

If a master’s absolute dominion over his slaves was justified by the argument that the slaves were “owned” by their masters, isn’t that the implicit argument that justifies punishing children? (Obviously, parents don’t consciously think that about their children, but think about it for a moment, isn’t that the implicit assumption out of which most parents operate? Don’t they think: “Who are you to tell me how to parent? They are ‘my’ children.”)

If we ever are going to raise a generation of children who don’t have the negative beliefs and day-to-day problems so many of us have today, the first thing we are going to have to do is realize that physical and even emotional abuse results in lasting damage. Not the actual abuse itself, which is over in a few minutes. But the meaning children give that abuse results in crippling beliefs that stay with them and cause them suffering for the rest of their lives.

This post is not meant to make parents feel guilty who didn’t realize the consequences of their behavior or who just don’t have any effective parenting skills. It is meant to destroy, once and for all, the idea that parents “own” their children and have the right to spank or scream at them for disobeying.

Please help get this post into the hands of as many parents as possible. Let’s do whatever we can to hasten the day when everyone looks back at these early 21^st century parenting practices in America and says: “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

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It worked. Brilliantly.

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:06:14 +0000

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Remember last December I wrote that I was about to have a breakthrough? Well, I did.

On February 16, 2010 nineteen people and I began the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment (LFE). Before we started I promised the participants:

“You will learn how to transform the way you experience your life. No matter what the circumstances. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Actually, I had never taught anyone to do that before, but I like to promise things I’ve never done before. That’s the exciting part: Figuring out how to do things after I’ve promised to do them.

The LFE was created after I noticed (and blogged about in three posts last December) that most people usually are not aware of the distinction between reality and how reality occurs for them. And because we are not aware of this distinction, we act as if the way reality occurs for us is the way reality “really is,” which is rarely true.

So the LFE was designed to determine if we could notice that distinction all the time and, even more importantly, dissolve the way reality occurs for us and be left with nothing but reality. Or as some gurus describe it, live totally in the present, without the past and future intruding.

We succeeded brilliantly! We met in a webinar for an hour once a week for ten weeks. Virtually everyone in the class who did their weekly assignment ended the experiment able to easily notice the distinction between “reality” and the way reality occurred for them at any given moment, and then quickly and easily dissolve the “occurring,” so that they were left either with only reality (without any meaning) or with a positive “occurring” that they choose.

Let me give you an example. Your investments lose a lot of their value. That is reality. That might occur for you as “a disaster, years of savings and struggle down the drain, how will we ever recoup our losses, etc.” That “occurring” would seem like “a fact,” “the way it really is,” and would result in you feeling upset, despondent, anxious, sad, etc. If you dissolve the “occurring” and observe only the reality—namely, the decline in value of your investment—the negative feelings would disappear. At which point you would have a choice to deal with “reality” and determine what you can learn from the experience and what you are going to do to replace the money. Or you even could create a positive meaning, such as “This is an opportunity to realize that my happiness is not dependent on material things and to grow as a spiritual being.” Giving that meaning to the events would result in positive feelings, such as pleasure and satisfaction.

Here are some more details of what we learned.

At any given moment we might have positive or negative emotions—joy and excitement, or anger, sadness, anxiety, and upset. Because events in reality have no inherent meaning (we have this profound realization when we eliminate a belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process), the events themselves can’t cause the emotion. What does?

The meaning we have given the events. And that meaning results in reality occurring for us in a specific way. So dissolving the meaning/the occurring immediately eliminates the feelings it caused.

Imagine that! Being able to eliminate any negative feeling you have in just moments by being able to eliminate the meaning you gave the events. This means that if you are in the middle of an argument with your relationship partner and you are getting angry, all you have to do is identify what meaning you are giving the situation and eliminate it, and the anger will stop.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I hear many of you thinking. “Do you really expect me to believe this?” Yes, I do. I know many of you are skeptical. “I’ve heard outrageous claims before but this is just too much.” Nonetheless, I personally have now done this many times and several people in the experiment did it also.

As Michael Scheibe, one of the participants put it: “The tools I learned in this experiment have transformed how I experience my life on a daily basis.

“Previous things that used to frequently upset me no longer do because through this course I truly got that my experience of life comes from the meaning I’m giving everything in the moment, and that meaning is not the same as what’s actually happening in the real world, and now I can also change that meaning whenever I want to something else I’d enjoy more.”

If my audacious claim really is true (and it is), you can understand why I think what we learned can totally transform how people experience their lives.

There is one caveat. Because how something occurs for us is primarily the result of prior beliefs and conditionings, as long as they continue to exist similar situations will continue to occur for us the same way. Ultimately, in order to be able to prevent negative occurrings, we have to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause them.

We probably will offer another webinar like the last one shortly. Most of the participants in the experiment thought that the group participation was very helpful in being able to produce the result, but not absolutely necessary. So I need to find a way to teach the Lefkoe Occurring Process to everyone who wants the benefits it has to offer at a price everyone can afford, which means I’ll have to find a way to offer a training on CDs or DVDs, without group participation and without me having to be personally involved in every training. And because the weekly practice is so crucial, I need to find a way to get people to practice if they are not going to be showing up for a webinar with me weekly, where I am going to be asking about their weekly practice.

But we will find a way and it won’t be long before tens of thousands of people are able to dissolve negative feelings like anger, anxiety and unhappiness as they occur. Finding a way to help people do that is a goal worth getting out of bed for every morning.

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How to control anger

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 20:21:35 +0000

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The first time I really allowed myself to experience my anger I fainted.

I was about 36 and had successfully suppressed my anger since childhood. And there I was in a group therapy session, hitting a mat with a stick with foam wrapped around it, screaming: “Mom, I’m really angry at you.” When I started the exercise I was only mouthing empty words, but then at some point the words became real and the anger surfaced. It terrified me so much that I literally passed out on the mat.

I fainted the next couple of times I tried that exercise, but eventually I was able to experience anger toward my mother that I had never allowed myself to experience. And I was able to remain in an upright position.

Although there probably aren’t many people who first experienced their anger in exactly the same way I did, there are millions who are terrified of experiencing their own anger or being in the presence of the anger of others. Many people get in touch with that anger in therapy or some personal growth course, and millions never do.

In addition to the fact that suppressing your anger is suppressing a part of yourself—in other words, having a part of you be unknown to you—suppressed anger has been implicated in serious illnesses, especially heart diseases.

So if you want to discover why our anger is so scary that we need to hide it, even from ourselves, and if we want to be able to experience anger without fear, read on and let me explain how we can do that.

The Primary Source of Our Fear

The primary source of our fear of anger is three specific beliefs and two conditionings. The beliefs are: Confrontation is dangerous, If I’m angry I’ll lose control, and Anger is dangerous. And the conditionings are: fear associated with anger and fear associated with confrontation. There can be a several others relevant beliefs and conditionings, but it is my experience that when these five have been eliminated, most of the fear we have of our own anger and the anger of others will be gone.

The source of these five beliefs and conditionings is almost always a childhood where one or both parents frequently displayed extreme anger. (I’ll explain why some people frequently express anger in a minute.) If we are terrified by the anger of our parents as a child, the typical reaction is the five beliefs and conditionings I listed.

The group therapy I described above helped me get in touch with my anger and allowed me to experience it instead of suppress it so totally that I didn’t even know I was feeling it. But my fear of anger did not disappear totally until I eliminated the five beliefs and conditionings several years later.

Now what about people who aren’t afraid of anger, but who themselves are angry a lot and express that anger as verbal or physical abuse? What is the source of that?

People Who Get Angry Easily

Kids want affection, attention, and acknowledgment. When they repeatedly can’t get what they want, they are likely to feel powerless. Also, frequently being told: “Just do it because I said so” can produce the same feeling. This leads to the belief I’m powerless.

This is a basic self-esteem belief that makes us feel out of control and insecure, because if we are powerless then we don’t have the ability to do what we think needs to be done. In other words, on a subconscious level we know our survival is always at stake.

When we form such a belief as a child we need to find some way to deal with the ever-present anxiety it produces. As I explained in a blog post last year (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/), when we form a negative self-esteem belief as a child we need to develop some strategy to deal with it. For example, if we conclude I’m not good enough or important, the most common survival strategy is the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

And the most frequently-formed survival strategy when one concludes I’m powerless is, The way to be in control is to have everything be exactly the way I want it to be.

Think about this for a moment. Imagine you needed to have everything be exactly the way you wanted in order to feel in control. And if things weren’t exactly the way you wanted them to be—or if someone didn’t listen to you—you would feel powerless, which would lead to a profound anxiety. What would happen when someone or something kept you from having things the way you wanted them to be?

You’d feel lots of anger, probably rage. You would be angry at whomever or whatever you feel is making you feel powerless. And if it’s a child or spouse, the rage can easily turn into verbal and/or physical abuse. (This explains people like O.J. Simpson.)

(If you form the belief I’m powerless and don’t ever form the survival strategy belief, instead of exploding in anger you are likely to be a typical “victim.” You will always be talking about how people and events are “doing it to me” and you will allow people to take advantage of you.)

Based on over 25 years of experience I am now fairly certain that underneath all anger is a sense of powerlessness, because if you could do something about the situation you wouldn’t feel angry. And if the two beliefs I mentioned above were eliminated, a large part of one’s anger would be dissipated.

It’s amazing to think that merely getting rid of a few beliefs and conditionings could minimize one of the major sources of heart disease and getting rid of a few more could halt the epidemic of child and spouse abuse. Just one more example of the power of beliefs in our lives.

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How to build confidence

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:05:49 +0000

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Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why? How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence? What is confidence anyway? Where does it come from? Why do some people have more of it than others?

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a very low to a very high belief in our own abilities, a sense we can handle whatever life throws at us. Very few people are totally lacking in confidence and very few feel confident that they can handle almost anything. So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can improve their confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though they have high level of self-confidence. Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot. The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs. Every negative belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence, beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, I’m not capable, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m not worthy.

Once you understand that a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs lowers your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will understand the myth that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life.

If you succeed at tasks as a kid and your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs that will lower your self-confidence. On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time. If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence. In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs, not your practical results.

And if you already have a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs, failures later in life probably will be experienced as temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidence

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as procrastination (we are afraid we won’t do a good job so we keep putting things off), worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough).

How building confidence improves your life

Nothing I can say will provide as good a sense of what happens when you eliminate the beliefs that thwart a high level of self-confidence than a note someone posted on my blog.

First and foremost THANK YOU!

I thought I was confident before so I grab the [Natural Confidence] course just to see how it worked. I starting doing them, I did the first one and when I said the belief, I could feel the charge inherent in it. I thought wow really. At the finish of the first belief, when we repeat the belief it was dead, no charge whatsoever. It was more observing the belief as if someone else said it not me believing it. That moment I was hooked.

I could not stop. I did the first 5 beliefs in a day. Each day I did 4-5 beliefs.

I love it. I don’t really know what I had before the course, it was not the confidence I thought. But now I feel deep inside a calm assurance, a swagger if you will. I am walking taller, chin up giving eye contact without instructing myself to. Before I would say to myself “you gotta make eye contact,” etc. There is no little voice telling me to act confident; it is just what I do now. I just am Now.

They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear, I guess I was ready!

Thank you once again,

Giorgio

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I finally stopped bragging

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:13:57 +0000

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It took me a long time to stop bragging. About 50 years in fact.

As a child I always bragged about things that I thought would impress others. How good my grades were. Things I had done. Popular kids I hung out with. Having people think well of me was so important that I even lied just to impress others.

When I was 17 I was living in Miami Beach in an apartment with my mom. From time to time I dated girls who visited Miami Beach on vacation. One time I remember driving past my aunt’s beautiful house and saying to the girl: “That’s where I live.” I would have been embarrassed to show her an apartment building and say I lived in there. Living in the luxurious water-front house meant I was “someone special” and that’s how I wanted others to view me.

For most of my life I didn’t see my bragging as a problem. I did it and most of the people I knew did it also. It was just something that people did.

It wasn’t until I developed The Lefkoe Method about 25 years ago and started to figure out what beliefs caused which problems that I realized that bragging is actually a way to compensate for a low level of self-esteem.

Let me explain.

As I’ve written in the past, very few people escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs. With few exceptions, parents aren’t aware how their behavior is instrumental in the beliefs their children are forming. And as I said a few weeks ago in a post about parenting, parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet. Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

Once we have a negative sense of ourselves, we need to find something that makes us feel good about ourselves, something that makes us feel able to survive and worthy of surviving. I call these survival strategy behaviors, because they feel to us as if we need them to survive. They are formed early in life when we accidently do something and get a positive response from parents or some other person who is important to us. That positive response makes us feel good about ourselves. After a few repetitions, we conclude: What makes me good enough and important is … being successful, or doing things for people, or my accomplishments, or having people think well of me. (See my post on survival strategies, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/)

What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me is the most common survival strategy belief we’ve seen after working with over 13,000 clients in the past 25 years. And that’s why bragging is so common.

As I started to help clients eliminate this belief I discovered that I held it also. Eventually I eliminated a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs and several survival strategy beliefs, including What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

After these beliefs were finally gone, I noticed one day that my bragging had stopped. I knew I was okay the way I was and I no longer need the approval of others to make me feel okay. I preferred that you like me, but your not liking me no longer meant anything about me. So I didn’t have to do or say things to get your approval anymore. A lifetime of bragging had stopped without me even noticing at first.

You might want to ask: Is every comment about one’s accomplishments “bragging”? Not necessarily. Here’s how to tell the difference between someone bragging and merely stating facts: Are the “facts” repeated frequently; does there seem to be a need on the person’s part that you really get the importance of what they are telling you; does the speaker have a lot of energy on “the facts”? If so, you probably are hearing bragging coming from people who need you to think well of them to feel good about themselves.

If the accomplishments are presented as information, something the speaker is proud of but not “invested in,” without looking for or needing a positive reaction from you, it probably isn’t bragging.

Bragging isn’t bad and it isn’t wrong. It’s merely the inevitable result of certain beliefs. It’s not the bragging you want to get rid of, it’s the beliefs that have you brag to get the approval of others to feel okay about yourself. And you can stop the bragging anytime you want by eliminating the negative self-esteem beliefs and the survival strategy beliefs that cause it.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

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Getting Rid of Beliefs is Not Enough

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:53:17 +0000

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Because many emotions are caused by beliefs, getting rid of the relevant beliefs can frequently eradicate negative emotions. For example, the belief that “Dogs are dangerous” will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief “People can’t be trusted” will result in a feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are, however, emotions in adults that appear to be caused by something in addition to beliefs. Getting rid of beliefs is not enough.

Let me explain the source of these negative emotions, such as fear and anger, and what you need to do to stop them from occurring.

During the first few years after I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate limiting beliefs, clients were able to make radical changes in their behavior by eliminating the beliefs that caused the behavior. Frequently, there also were meaningful emotional changes. We started noticing, however, that sometimes a client would continue to have a trace of a specific emotion such as anger or fear, even after eliminating all the beliefs we could find that seemed to be relevant. We usually assumed that there was another belief we hadn’t yet discovered, but eventually would.

Eventually we realized that, although some emotions are the direct result of beliefs, many are the result of conditioning in addition to beliefs. When that is the case, the LBP will not eliminate the conditioning. (You do, however, have to use the LBP to eliminate any relevant beliefs before de-conditioning can be effective in stopping the negative emotion. If you haven’t yet experienced eliminating a belief with the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com to try it free.)

A few years ago I developed a process I call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStP). It is specifically designed to eliminate the emotions that are caused by conditioned stimuli. It is simpler to use than the basic LBP and usually takes only five minutes to completely eliminate the stimuli for such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

How Associations Early In Life Cause Negative Emotions Later In Life

Very often we are plagued by repeated negative feelings in our life, such as fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as anxiety whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or anger whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear (or some other emotion) in some people and not in others?

Let me explain: The classic example of this situation was an experiment a physiologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a neutral stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the neutral stimulus gets conditioned.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make the process of conditioning very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. If this next time there was no fist, only ice cream, why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear. The ice cream just happened to be there every time you got scared by the fist.

The principle is that anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other situations that are not inherently scary get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger). This process is also the primary cause of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Here is a real life example: Consider one of my clients who experienced fear whenever he was asked to do something. I asked him when did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? He told me that when he was a child his father frequently got angry and yelled at him whenever he didn’t do what his father demanded of him. When my client reviewed the original cause of his feeling of fear, he discovered that the fear was not inherent in being asked to do something.

What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s threatening behavior that usually occurred when he was asked to do something: The person he depended on for his very survival seemed to be withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That perception—that his survival was at stake—is what caused the fear. Being told to do things just happened to occur at the same time as something else that constantly caused fear.

Whatever is going on when you experience fear due to your parents’ anger (because their anger is an implied threat to your survival) gets conditioned to produce the same fear. The stimulus today—making mistakes, being criticized, not living up to expectations, etc.—is not, itself, scary.

How The Lefkoe Stimulus Process Works

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by assisting you to make a distinction between the original real cause of the emotion and the events that just happened to be occurring at the time. Once that distinction is made, the conditioning is extinguished. It’s as if you could say to Pavlov’s dogs: “Hey dogs, you can’t eat the bell. It just happened to be ringing whenever you got food.” If the dogs could understand that distinction they would no longer salivate at the sound of the bell. But while dogs can’t make that distinction, humans can. And when they do, de-conditioning occurs. Using the Lefkoe Stimulus Process and the LBP you can easily get rid of the anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions that plague you.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog. http://mortylefkoe.com.

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Make Your Arguments a Thing of the Past

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:20:15 +0000

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Did I ever tell you about the time I gave myself an award for “‘Getting Off It’ the Fastest”?

Well, I’m going to tell you right now because I think it will make a profound difference in your relationships with people, especially your loved ones.

When I married Shelly almost 29 years ago I was a mess. I had just been divorced for a second time and was getting depressed frequently. When we argued, which happened frequently, my way of coping with upset was to withdraw … for a couple of days! Shelly, on the other hand, would “get off it” (let go of the upset) in an hour or so and then wonder why I was reacting to something that had ended hours or even days before.

As I used The Lefkoe Method (TLM) to eliminate beliefs and conditionings, the time it took me to let go of my upset decreased until, like Shelly, I could get off it in an hour or so after the argument was over.

At some point we created a friendly competition to see who could get off it first, in other words, who could let go of the upset totally and be back in relationship with the other person first. I ultimately acquired the ability to do that during an argument (as opposed to after it was over) and being able to stop right in the middle of it and just smile and say: “I’m sorry that whatever I am doing is upsetting you. Is there anything I can do to resolve this? I love you.”

Here’s what’s important about what I was doing. I didn’t say these words to placate Shelly or use extreme will power while still being upset. I actually was able to stop the upset and then say words that were true for me.

How did I learn to do that? I started asking myself what meaning I was giving Shelly’s behavior and comments. And then I used two steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process to get rid of that meaning.

First I figured out two or three other meanings for whatever Shelly had done or said, other than the one I have given it. If it had other valid meanings, the one I had couldn’t be “the truth.” Then I asked myself if I could literally “see” the meaning I had given her actions and statements. Obviously I never could “see” the meaning I had given.

So I realized the meaning existed only in my mind. What she was doing and saying had no inherent meaning. The only meaning was the one I had given it.

As you know if you’ve eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, events that have no meaning can’t make us feel anything. So the upset that I thought Shelly had “caused” was, in fact, caused by the meaning I had given what Shelly did and said. When that become real, the upset literally disappeared.

So how did I get the award? I created the reward myself and printed it out after a very special day. She had gotten angry at something I had said and done, and before I ever reacted to her, I asked myself: What does Shelly’s reaction to me really mean? When I answered, nothing, I had no reaction to her anger at all. None. And then I said what I had been saying when I had gotten off it during an argument (but his time it was before the argument ever started), “I can see how you could get upset by what I did and said. And if you are angry, that’s okay. And I love you.” And I said it with a smile.

It’s very hard to argue with someone who is not arguing back. She calmed down in a matter of minutes. Later that day I asked Shelly to give me the award I had created for getting off it the fastest ever … a time that could never be beaten … because I never got on it to begin with.

Remember, events have no inherent meaning, so nothing your loved one (or anyone else) does can upset you or make you angry. (If this isn’t real for you, eliminate a couple of limiting beliefs without charge at http://recreateyourlife.com and it will become real). What produces the upset or anger is the meaning you make up to explain why the other person did what they did.

For example, if your partner doesn’t do something you asked her to do and then you give the event the meaning that you can’t get what you want, you will get angry. If you give the event the meaning that your partner doesn’t care about what you want, you will be hurt or upset. If you say that your partner’s behavior could have many different meanings and, in fact, has no inherent meaning, you will feel nothing. You probably will just calmly do it yourself or ask your partner again if she will do it.

And that is something you can learn to do with practice (and, obviously, the more beliefs and conditionings you eliminate, the easier it is to do).

I haven’t always been able to do that since that day, but I do most of the time with Shelly and I even learned how to do it with my daughter Brittany when she was 14 (she’s now 21 and in college).

I had always had a very close relationship with Brittany. She would tell me what she was thinking and feeling quite often. I usually visited Brittany after she came home from school and asked her how her day went and we had a nice chat. When she reached 13-14 years old, she changed. I joke that she was captured by aliens who left one of their own in her place, because my daughter couldn’t not possibly have acted the way my daughter acted between the ages of 13 and 18-19. (In fact this is a natural part of a child’s development.)

At any rate, by the time she was a freshman in high school she had started getting angry at me frequently, telling me I was annoying (and worse), saying she didn’t feel like talking, and asking me to leave her room.

Although I would comply, I would leave upset. Why upset? Because the meaning I was giving her behavior was she was ruining our relationship (which was very important to me), that she was angry with me, that I couldn’t talk to her any more, etc. If that’s what her behavior meant, that was upsetting to me.

I asked myself, what else could it mean? She was individuating, as she should be doing. She had a problem with one of her teachers. Her hormones were raging. She had some difficulties with friends during the day. Etc. Did I ever “see” that something fundamental had happened to “ruin” our relationship? That I wouldn’t ever be able to talk to her the way we had in the past? No, I didn’t see that. I only saw her behavior, which could have many different meanings other than the one I had given it.

So one day, as a result of doing the type of thinking I just described, I didn’t get upset. I merely got up and left the room without saying a word. And after I left the room and closed her door, I said: “Honey, I hear a daughter who loves her dad very much and who’s probably having a hard day. Sorry about that. I love you too sweetheart.”

As I walked away I heard a shoe bounce off the door. Ten minutes later she came out of her room, threw her arms around me, kissed me, and apologized for being shitty.

She acted that badly and worse hundreds of times over the next 4-5 years but for the most part I was able to react without reacting. And it led to an incredibly close bond being formed between us. She knew I loved her unconditionally and would always be there for her because I didn’t withdraw my love when she treated me badly.

It probably will take practice to give a different meaning to someone else’s behavior, but when you do, arguments will become a thing of the past. Relationships will improve dramatically. And the quality of your life will skyrocket. And you’ll be able to create your own “Get off it the fastest” award.

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What is My Job As A Parent?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:59:09 +0000

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“How many times do I have to tell you?”

“What am I ever going to do with you?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t you ever listen?”

Imagine yourself to be a young child listening to your parents repeatedly ask you questions like these. … If you stop for a few moments, listen to these words inside your head, and experience what it feels like, you will have a clear picture of what far too many children feel every day.

But what’s even worse than the momentary hurt you probably felt as a child are the beliefs that you probably formed if your parents used words like this day after day, year after year. You’d probably conclude: There’s something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. I’m not capable. Mistakes and failure are bad.

As parents we would be horrified to discover that many of our conversations with our children result in these beliefs. Nonetheless, speaking to them this way has a significant negative impact on them, not the least of which is a negative sense of themselves due to low self-esteem.

For over 25 years we have been working with people who’ve had a wide variety of dysfunctional behavioral or emotional patterns. Some were relatively minor, such as the inability to express feelings, procrastination, and obsessing about what others thought about them. Some were serious, such as eating disorders, chronic depression or anxiety, and phobias. We’ve helped these people with the Lefkoe Belief Process^®(LBP), a technique I developed that allows people to quickly and permanently eliminate the specific beliefs that are responsible for any undesirable behavior or feeling. When the beliefs disappear, the patterns do also. (To use the LBP to eliminate one negative self-esteem belief without charge, go to: http://www.recreateyourlife.com.)

In session after session, hour after hour, we have heard thousands of clients describe the experiences they had with their parents, most of whom loved their children and meant well, that led the clients to form the beliefs they were trying to eliminate: “My mom and dad always did …, they never did …, they always said …, they never said ….”

In the parenting e-Book my wife Shelly and I co-wrote, Guide to Effective Parenting, we explain in detail how what parents do and don’t do, say and don’t say, provide their children with the experiences that the children interpret into beliefs. Those beliefs, in turn, then determine their behavior and emotions and, ultimately, their lives—for better or for worse. (For information about this e-Book, go to http://www.lefkoeinstitute.com/parenting-ebook.html.)

Shelly and I have read numerous books on parenting and have taught countless parenting workshops. Nonetheless, we still found ourselves doing some things that were interpreted negatively by our two girls when they were younger. But we finally got in the habit of asking ourselves the question after we interacted with our children: What has my child just concluded? When we think the answer is “probably something negative,” we go back to our children to apologize and reopen the discussion.

As an example, one day when our daughter Brittany was about five years old (she’s now 21!) Shelly went into the bathroom before bedtime to brush Brittany’s teeth. Our daughter flatly refused, being the independent young lady that she is. After all of Shelly’s parenting skills and tools failed, she found herself physically overpowering our daughter with one arm around her neck and one hand with the toothbrush in her mouth. After a few moments she regained her sanity and realized what she was doing. She stopped immediately and apologized to Brittany.

Shelly realized that, as important as brushing Brittany’s teeth was, far more important was what our daughter would conclude about herself and life out of that interaction if repeated consistently. A couple of possibilities include: I’m powerless or What I want doesn’t matter. (Rarely do just a few experiences lead to negative beliefs. A number of experiences usually are required before we reach specific negative conclusions about ourselves and life.)

How can we get our children to do what needs to be done (teeth that don’t get brushed do get cavities) without them forming negative beliefs about themselves? Knowing how to interact with our children in a way that facilitates a healthy self-esteem and a positive sense of life is not self-evident. There are many books and courses that provide excellent skills and tools. One of the best techniques is to ask your children what to do and give them a choice. When Brittany didn’t want to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth, we learned to ask her how she’d like to go—with Shelly leading a parade and her following (you should have seen Shelly as a drum major!), with her in my arms or on my back, or did she want to meet me there in five minutes?

Most of us think we are successful parents if we get our children to behave properly, to learn what we think they need to learn, and to be happy. The question we suggest you ask yourself is: At what cost? If you succeed in achieving what you want for your children, but they form negative self-esteem beliefs, such as, I’m not good enough or I’m not worthwhile, or negative beliefs about life, such as, Life’s difficult or I’ll never get what I want, was your behavior really “successful”? In other words, are the benefits you achieved short term with your children worth the long-term cost?

I am not saying that our children’s behavior on a daily basis, the information they acquire from us, and their happiness are not important. Of course they are. What I’m saying is that the single factor that has the greatest impact on whether or not your children achieve true happiness and satisfaction in life is a healthy self-esteem and a positive sense of life. Nothing we do, learn or feel when we’re young will have as much influence on our adult life as the fundamental beliefs we form and take into adulthood.

To make this real, let’s assume that your children have one of the two following sets of beliefs: I’m not good enough; There’s something wrong with me; I’m not deserving; I’m not loveable; I don’t matter—or: I am good enough; I’m worthwhile just because I am, not for any reason; I’m loveable; I matter.

Which set of beliefs would most likely lead to anxiety and depression? To substance abuse? To teenage pregnancy? To eating disorders? To satisfying relationships? To a productive career? To a truly satisfying life?

Given the critical importance of beliefs, what should be the primary role of parents? Influencing behavior? Teaching information? Making their children happy?—or assisting their children to form positive beliefs about themselves and life?

If you chose the latter, the best way I know of to insure that you are getting your job as a parent done is constantly to ask yourself the question: What are my children likely to conclude about themselves and life as a result of this interaction we just had? If it is a negative decision, go back, apologize and clean it up. If it is a positive decision, congratulations! You got your job done.

P.S. Several of you wrote and said I never finished the story about my argument with Shelly in my post last week. So here the end of the story: As soon as I realized that my upset really had nothing to do with her, and was the result of conditioning, I told her that, apologized for getting upset at her and withdrawing, and that was the end of it. We actually have a game when we have an argument: Who can “get off it” the fastest. More and more often I don’t get hooked at all so I don’t even have to get off it, because I never get on it.

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How the Lefkoe Belief Process works, Part 1

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:58:52 +0000

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Many of you who have eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process have asked me for more details on how it actually works.

In order to provide you with a relatively complete answer (it would take me several days to teach you how to use it effectively), I’ve written a two-part post.

The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) begins with the client describing an undesirable pattern of behavior or feelings that he has been trying unsuccessfully to change. Feeling patterns could include fear, hostility, shyness, anxiety, depression, or worrying about what people think of you. Behavioral patterns could include phobias, relationships that never seem to work, violence, procrastination, unwillingness to confront people, an inability to express our feelings, sexual dysfunction, or anti-social behavior.

One client presented the following undesirable pattern: “I can do enough to get by, but I don’t apply myself completely to one thing. I always feel as though I haven’t done enough, both at home and at work. Wherever I am, I should be someplace else, doing something else. I never do a good enough job. Sometimes I’m satisfied with what I do, but I never have a sense of a real completion. Never any rest.”

I responded by pointing out that people frequently explain their behavior by pointing to a cause other than themselves, such as their spouse, their boss, the economy, or some other “circumstances.” I requested that the client assume that the source of our behavior and feelings is our beliefs, not anything in reality. Many clients already agree that their beliefs have this power, but agreement is not required for the LBP to be effective. One must, however, be willing accept that idea for the duration of the session.

Finding a Belief

I then asked the client what he believed, at the moment, that logically could account for the current, undesirable pattern that he just had just presented to me. This step is not the same as asking the client “why” he acts as he does. Most people either will say they have no idea why they do what they do, or they will come up with a multitude of reasons. A client’s “story,” interpretations, and analysis are not at all relevant in the LBP. This step is designed to elicit one or more beliefs (that he probably was not conscious of before the LBP began) that logically would manifest as his undesirable pattern.

One belief that this client discovered is I’m not good enough. This belief at least partially explains why he never had a sense of doing a good job, of really being satisfied with whatever he did. In other words, the pattern is the result of the belief(s), and it would be virtually impossible to permanently change the pattern as long as the belief(s) existed. (There were several other beliefs and all of them had to be eliminated before the pattern disappeared totally.)

The Source of Beliefs

Once the belief is identified, the client is asked to say the words of the belief out loud to confirm that he actually does hold this belief. Then, the client is asked to look for the earliest circumstances or events that led him to form the belief. Fundamental beliefs about life and about oneself—for example, self-esteem-type beliefs—usually are formed before the age of six. For the most part they are based on interactions with our parents and other primary caretakers, if any. Beliefs in other areas of life, such as work and society, are formed at the time those areas of life are encountered.

Although the client usually can identify the relevant early events in five or ten minutes, at times he spends as much as half an hour recalling various events from his childhood. At some point he identifies the pattern of events that led him to form the belief in question. My experience with over 13,000 clients indicates that beliefs rarely are formed based on only one or two events. Usually a great many similar events are required.

When I asked this particular client the source of his belief, he described a childhood in which his mother was always telling him what to do and what not to do. Nothing he ever did was good enough for her. He never received any praise and was criticized a lot.

Don’t Invalidate a Client’s Beliefs

The next step is to have the client realize that his current belief was, in fact, a reasonable interpretation of his childhood circumstances and that most children probably would have reached a similar conclusion, given their experience and knowledge at that time in their life. Our beliefs are almost always a reasonable explanation for the events we observe at the time we observe them. Thus the client is never told that his beliefs are irrational or wrong.

Other Interpretations

The client then is asked to make up some additional interpretations of, or meanings for, the same earlier circumstances, which he hadn’t thought of at the time. In other words, the client as a child observed his mother doing and saying various things over a long period of time. The meaning he gave to the events was I’m not good enough. What the client is asked to do in the session is make up additional meanings or interpretations of his mother’s behavior.

To continue the illustration we’ve been using, other reasonable interpretations of his mother’s behavior could include:

· My mother thought I wasn’t good enough, but she was wrong.

· I wasn’t good enough as a child, but I might be when I grow up.

· I wasn’t good enough by my mother’s standards, but I might be by the standards of others.

· My mother is a very critical person and would act that way with everyone, whether they were good enough or not.

· My mother’s behavior with me had nothing to do with whether I was good enough or not; it was a function of my mother’s beliefs from her childhood.

· My mother’s behavior with me had nothing to do with whether I was good enough or not; it was a function of my mother’s parenting style.

Each of these statements is as reasonable a meaning for his mother’s behavior as the one he came up with as a child. The point here is not to convince the client that his belief is unreasonable, he just needs to realize that there are many different meanings, each one of which is logically consistent with the events he experienced.

Did You See It In The World?

Next the client was asked if, when he formed the belief as a child, it seemed as if he could see in the world that I’m not good enough. Because it feels as if we “discovered” or “viewed” our beliefs in the world, the answer is always, yes. It seemed to the client that every time his mother criticized him or failed to praise something he was proud of, he could “see” that he wasn’t good enough. He was so certain that his belief was out in the world to be seen that he said to me, “If you were there in my house, you would have seen it too.”

The distinction you want the client to make is between the events of his childhood, which have no inherent meaning, and the meaning he attributed to the events. The principles that underlie this distinction are: Events have no inherent meaning. There’s no meaning in the world. All meaning is in our minds. All beliefs are merely the meaning we assign to events.

The way to get the client to make that distinction is to then ask: “Is it clear, right now, that you never saw the belief in the world?”

In other words, you want the client to realize that he never did see that I’m not good enough. All he really saw was his mother’s statements and behaviors. I’m not good enough was only one interpretation of the events he actually did see.

After the client realized that he never really did see his belief in the world, I asked: “If you didn’t see I’m not good enough in the world, where has it been all these years?” He pointed to his head and replied: “In my mind.”

At this point I asked the client, did the events that led you to form the belief have a meaning before you gave them a meaning? Do they have an inherent meaning? It usually takes a short conversation before most clients really understand that events have no inherent meaning, that all meaning is in our mind.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK

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Eliminating Beliefs in Organizations

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:21:50 +0000

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You probably already know that The Lefkoe Method can improve your personal life. Did you also know that it can be used to improve your work environment?

Although the Lefkoe Institute is not doing much corporate work right now, we have helped over 10,000 employees from over 50 companies—ranging from Fortune 500 to small family owned businesses—to change their organizational beliefs and their individual beliefs about their jobs. As a result, those organizations were able to produce significant change and improved results. Here is a fascinating case history of how the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) was used effectively in one of those companies.

One small manufacturing company we helped a few years ago had a typical top-down managerial hierarchy, with the bosses making all the decisions and the workers doing little more than following orders. Morale was low. Results were only fair.

Our goal was to totally transform the way the company operated, with a focus on giving the workers a tremendous amount of authority to make day-to-day decisions, with the managers acting as support instead of as “bosses.”

We conducted workshops with all of the company’s employees during which each eliminated one personal belief and all eliminated a bunch of limiting beliefs about their company. We taught them how to use a simplified version of the LBP.

Within days many of the employees started making suggestions for improvements in the company. (Change beliefs and behavior changes effortlessly.) Supervisors were allowing workers to make more and more decisions on their own. A lot of excitement was generated; many of the changes workers suggested were instituted.

At this point Bob, the manager of a department of about thirty-five workers, went on vacation for a week. Two days after he left, Jean, one of the supervisors who reported to him, handled something in her own that everyone had agreed would be done by the workers. When Rick, one of the workers, complained to her, Jean said, in effect, “So what? I’m still the supervisor.” When Rick continued to protest, Jean took him to the Operations Manager’s office.

The other workers observed the heated argument and most of them concluded, “We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.”

The next week Bob returned from vacation to discover that morale and productivity had sunk to a new low, with virtually no suggestions or worker participation. What would most managers do in a situation like this? Talk to the supervisor involved in the altercation? Yes, but that in itself would have little effect on the other thirty-some workers. Talk to the workers individually and as a group, telling them that one incident isn’t really important and that the new era of openness and involvement will continue? Yes, but through what filter will anything the manager says be heard by the workers? “I hear what you’re saying, but you weren’t here last week, and you didn’t see with your own eyes as I did that ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.’”

Here’s what Bob actually did. He called a meeting of the department’s entire workforce and asked that someone explain exactly what happened while he was away. One of the workers described the incident between Jean and Rick. Bob thanked him and replied, “So most of you concluded, ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.’ Right?”

A scattering of “Yeah” could be heard.

Bob continued, “That’s a reasonable conclusion, based on what happened between Jean and Rick. Right now, however, I’d like you to play a little game with me. It’s called Possibilities. I’d like you to tell me at least four or five other things that last week’s incident could possibly mean. I’m not trying to invalidate your conclusion, which is as good as any other we’ll find. I’d just like you to tell me what other interpretations might be possible?”

After a few minutes the answers started coming from the floor.
* It could mean that Jean hasn’t bought into our empowerment program, but all the other supervisors have.
* It could mean that Jean has it in for Rick, but she wouldn’t be a problem for any other worker.
* It could mean that Jean was having a bad day and she is as committed to the new empowerment program as anyone.
* It could mean that Jean is willing to delegate most of her work except for the job involved in last week’s problem.

After several more responses, Bob said, “Can you see that what most of you concluded—‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble’—is only one valid interpretation of what happened, but that a number of other explanations are just as valid?”

Heads started nodding up and down.

He continued, “Didn’t it seem last week when Jean and Larry were arguing that you could see right here on the factory floor, ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble?’”

One worker yelled out, “If you had been here, Bob, you’d have seen it too!”

Bob smiled. “Did you really see that? If you did, I’d like to know, was it on the wall or the floor? Was it red or green, striped or polka-dotted? Big or small?” Bob waited a few seconds … “Or did you just see Rick and Jean arguing, and the only place—‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble’—has ever been is in your mind, as an interpretation of what you really did see?” They got the point.

Bob turned to Rick. “By the way, what happened when you went to the Operations Manager’s office with Jean?”

“He told us to work it out ourselves,” Rick answered.

Bob turned back to the group. “Anything else?” He saw a lot of sheepish grins. “Let’s go to work.”

In most companies, hardly a day goes by that some employees don’t observe something and then reach a conclusion that negatively affects their behavior from then on. Usually their manager will try to change their behavior using Information + Motivation. (See my blog post, http://mortylefkoe.com/111009, on why that doesn’t work.) Sometimes if the belief surfaces—“So-and-so can’t be trusted” or “That new plan will never work”—the Lefkoe Belief Process (or a variation) can be used easily, with one employee at a time or with a large group, just as Bob did.

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People don’t resist change

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:57:38 +0000

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Do you think people resist change? … Most people answer with an emphatic: “Yes.”

I don’t think people resist change at all.

To which you might respond: “Well if people don’t resist change, why do most people not change when given reason to change?”

Good question. Here’s my answer: Imagine that you had been doing something a certain way for a long time and you believed that you were doing it the right way. Now imagine that I come along and tell you not to do that way any more. I give you a lot of reasons and I promise a lot of benefits if you stop doing it your way and start doing it my way.

No matter how persuasive I might be, you and most other people probably wouldn’t change their behavior. “Okay,” you reply, “that just proves that people resist change.” Not necessarily. Think about what I just said.

If you think what you are doing is right and I am telling you to do something else, what does it sound like I am asking you to do? … It would seem to you that I was telling you to do something wrong. Think about that.

We don’t resist doing something new or different—in other words, we don’t resist change. We resist doing what we think is wrong. When you really get this distinction, you will understand something about human behavior that most professionals in the training business still don’t understand.

This is a different way of looking at something I’ve written about before. Information and motivation do not change behavior because behavior is driven by beliefs. If you want to change behavior, change the beliefs that drive any given behavior—such as procrastination, yelling, etc.—and the behavior will change.

Here’s a real life example. Many managers are reluctant to give their hourly employees the freedom to make decisions on their own, despite overwhelming evidence that some of the best ideas in many companies come from the hourly employees.

If such managers believe they know what needs to be done and the people they manage do not, then how they manage is right. Asking their employees to think for themselves is wrong. Change the belief and you change how a manager manages.

If people were generally resistant to change, then there would be little if anything we could do about it. But if people don’t change because they believe what they are doing is right and what you (or others) want is wrong, then we are now in a position to produce change in individuals and in the world by helping people realize that their beliefs are not “the truth.” (Can you see that all political arguments are nothing more than conflicting beliefs? Consider: Global warming. How to deal with the economy. The failure in the educational system. Health care.)

How do you know someone’s belief isn’t “the truth”? Because all beliefs are only “a truths,” the meaning we give to meaningless events. (This becomes experientially real for people when they use the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate a belief.)

What appears to be widespread resistance to change is nothing more than people acting consistently with their beliefs. When people change their beliefs, change occurs naturally and effortlessly.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Do we need to create new beliefs?

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:59:12 +0000

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“The Lefkoe Method is very effective at eliminating negative beliefs. But why don’t you replace them with positive beliefs?”

This is a very common question so I decided to devote this week’s post to answering it.

For many years we did attempt to “install” positive beliefs—the opposite of the “negative” belief that was eliminated—for example, I am good enough for I’m not good enough and relationships do work for relationships don’t work.

Although the new belief felt true at the moment for most clients, it usually didn’t feel true when we checked a week or two later. In other words, despite using several different methods to install the new beliefs, it usually didn’t work.

Is it Possible to Consciously Create New Beliefs?

Here’s why I think it is very difficult to have someone consciously create a new belief and then really believe it. A belief is the meaning we have given meaningless events in reality. When we do that it seems (for a visual person) that we can actually see that meaning in the world. It is the truth. You aren’t trying to convince yourself that the meaning is true; it is true for you. For a kinesthetic person, once you give a meaning to events, those events make you feel that meaning every time the events occur. Again, you aren’t trying to feel something; you can’t help but feel it.

This is the automatic process that occurs when you initially create a belief unconsciously. But it is very different when you consciously say the words: I am good enough or relationships do work—and hope that you will really believe the words you’ve uttered. You are saying it more like an affirmation, as something you want to be true, rather than as something you think you can see in the world (which would mean it must be true). Even looking at recent events that could validate the new belief wasn’t consistently effective.

We also tried having clients create the new positive belief after they had gotten into the “creator” space (after using the Who Am I Really? Process). I never kept records, but I’m not sure that this worked much better.

You Don’t Need “Positive” Beliefs

I never looked for additional techniques that might enable people to get the new beliefs to “stick” because I decided early on that it was more important for people to realize they were the creator of their lives, than they were a “healthier or better creation.”

Let me explain. I commonly use the words “negative” and “limiting” as descriptions of certain beliefs. In fact, however, beliefs aren’t negative or positive they are neutral. They result in certain feelings and behavior. If you like what they produce, you could say the beliefs are “positive,” but only because you arbitrarily like their manifestation.

Moreover, all beliefs are limiting by their very nature. You are what you believe you are (for you) and anything else is absolutely not true (not possible). Your beliefs about people and life also create boxes; what’s outside the boxes literally does not exist for you. (If you believe relationships always work or never work, you will interpret all relationships through that filter and no matter what you see couples do or don’t do, you will interpret it consistently with your belief. For you, relationships inconsistent with your beliefs cannot exist.)

Live As The Creator, Not a “Better” Creation

I concluded that it was more important to live as the creator of your life (as the sculptor) rather than as any specific creation (as a specific piece of sculpture). In the altered state of consciousness produced by the Who Am I Really? Process, you have no limitations and anything is possible.

So even if it were possible to install a new belief, I don’t think it would be particularly useful. If you have used the WAIR? Process (which is attached at the end of the free belief-elimination processes and is available in all of our belief-elimination programs), you know that it feels as if anything is possible and that you have no limitations. Next time you get in that space, ask yourself if the opposite of the beliefs you’ve eliminated feels true for you. In that space they will, whether you experience them as true in day-to-day life or not. In that altered state, you feel whole, complete, and okay just the way you are. You feel good enough, important, and loveable.

My advice to those of you who are interested in forming positive beliefs, use the WAIR? Process daily. Get into an altered state every day. And it won’t be long before it gets easy to have that experience of yourself even when you aren’t using the WAIR? Process. Wouldn’t you rather experience yourself as the creator of your life than as a “better” creation?

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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The Conversation Continues: How Things Occur For Us, Part 2

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:38:25 +0000

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Thanks for the fantastic response to my blog post that offered my initial thoughts on how reality “occurs” for us. I’ve never received so many responses so quickly on a post. Although I suspect I will be pondering this issue for a long time to come, because there has been so much interest in this topic I thought I’d bring you up to date on my current thinking.

I’m currently on vacation in Florida with my wife Shelly and two daughters, Blake and Brittany. Britt came from St. Louis where she is a junior at Washington University and Blake flew in from the Solomon Islands where she had been island-hopping in the South Pacific and surfing. Nothing makes me happier than being with my three girls. Even though I’m allowing myself to get some much-needed rest, my mind won’t stop thinking about the subject of last week’s blog post.

I still have as many questions as answers, but because so many of you said you were interested in my thought processes as I struggled with the distinction, “how things occur for us,” I thought I’d devote my Christmas post to a quick recap of my thoughts since last week.

We always create a meaning for the events we confront; that meaning then becomes how the events occur for us. We then think how events occur for us is an accurate description of reality. It is not. It is merely the meaning we have placed over reality. It is the filter through which we view reality and it determines how we actually experience reality.

For example, imagine you get fired from a job. That event either can occur for you as a terrible catastrophe or as an amazing opportunity. Your behavior and feelings from then on will be determined by how the event occurs for you—not by the event itself.

Another good example of how the same person or event can occur differently for different people is Shelly’s dad who just turned 90. Most of the family is upset around him when he’s telling people what to do and getting annoyed at almost anything they do. At those times he occurs to most of the family as a controlling, irritating, cranky person. He used to occur that way for me also. But after years of practice, his behavior finally has no meaning to me. He says what he says (such as telling me “how to drive” or giving me detailed directions on how to get to a place I’ve driven to at least 100 times) and I respond, “Thanks dad. Okay.”

The nature of a situation, apart from any prior beliefs, can have an important effect on how something occurs for us. For example, at his 90^th birthday party the other evening he was happy, loving, grateful for the people who attended, appreciative for the party, and nothing seemed to bother him throughout the evening. How people occurred for him that evening was different from how they usually occurred for him.

What determines the meanings we create? Every old meaning we have ever created (old beliefs) affects every new meaning we create, although certain beliefs can have a greater influence than others at any given moment. For example, the belief People can’t be trusted would affect how you feel about and how you deal with all people; the belief John is out to get me would have a significant impact on how John occurs for you and relatively little on how other people occur for you.

Cultural beliefs and organizational beliefs also are relevant, such as It’s important to respect our elders in Asian countries and The best way to make money is our industry is having better design/lower prices/more distribution outlets/etc. in various companies.

I think the meanings we create about people and events as an adult are formed instantaneously and automatically. The moment you sense something in reality (through one or more of your five senses), you silently ask yourself: What does this mean? And the answer you give yourself is the meaning you have created, which then becomes how that “something in reality” occurs for you.

Why do we do that? Here’s my hypothesis: Because we usually experience ourselves as a creation (and not as the creator/consciousness) whose survival is always at stake, we need to know if what we are encountering is “for us” or “against us,” conducive to our survival or inimical to our survival.

My thoughts above are one possible description of how and why things occur for us the way they do. I think it is possible, however, to interrupt this automatic meaning-creating process and give “no meaning” to what we are confronting in reality. Consciously making real that the person or event has no inherent meaning removes (or does it minimize?) the filter you’ve placed over the reality in front of you. I think this is what people mean when they advise “living in the moment” and not the past or the future (which is the realm of beliefs, conditionings, and expectations).

Because our need for meaning stems from experiencing ourselves as a creation whose survival is always at stake, one very good way to eliminate our need for meaning is to experience ourselves as the creator of that creation.

One way to make it easier to make real for yourself that the “reality” you are confronting has no inherent meaning is to use the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process to distinguish yourself as the creator of the meaning and not the sum total of the meanings.

After using that Process you can notice the meaning you’ve just automatically created and then make a critical distinction between yourself as the creator of the meaning and the creation experiencing the meaning.

Your ability to distinguish yourself as the creator/consciousness also can be enhanced by using the WAIR? Process repeatedly, so that you get used to making and then experiencing that distinction. (That is why I strongly recommend you use that Process after eliminating each belief on our various belief-elimination programs.)

But the question still remains: Is it possible to transcend all your beliefs and really live as if you are the creator and the reality you are interacting with has no inherent meaning under all circumstances, or can we do that only under some circumstances? And if only under some circumstances, what are they? At the moment, I’m not sure.

Perhaps the best way to summarize how I see this issue at the moment is by updating something I wrote last week:

Our behavior and feelings are determined primarily by how things occur for us, which ultimately seems to be nothing more than the meaning we are giving any particular person or situation at the moment. Moreover, we seem to be predisposed to automatically create a given meaning by all of our prior beliefs and conditionings. However, by making a distinction between ourselves as the creator and ourselves as the creation for whom something is occurring, and by recognizing that the “reality” we are confronting has no inherent meaning, I think we can change how that reality occurs for us under certain circumstances. And I think we can train ourselves to do it more effectively, more often.

Stay tuned. More to come.

I really appreciate all your contributions this past week. I got some real valuable insights from your blog comments. I’m looking forward to hearing from you during the next couple of weeks as I pursue this investigation. I’m really interested in what you think about the phenomenon of “occurring” and the blog posts describing my journey.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish Happy Holidays to all of you from all of us at the Lefkoe Institute: Shelly, Karen, Rodney, Liz, and myself. It’s been a very exciting year for us. It took us 24 years for 13,000 people to experience our work and in this past year alone we had over 100,0000 people visit our web site and 39,000 eliminate at least one belief. Our goal is to have at least 200,000 people experience the Lefkoe Belief Process and the WAIR? Process by this time next year.

All of us wish you a wonderful year filled with new and exciting possibilities.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Why Should I Eliminate A Belief?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:58:08 +0000

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Every once in a while after someone asks me what I do and I reply, “I help people eliminate beliefs,” I am asked: “Why would I want to eliminate a belief?”

There are at least good four answers to that question, which I will describe in this blog post. If you would like to improve the quality of your life and increase your range of possibilities, I think you will find this discussion very useful.

1. Virtually all the problems you have in life, behavioral or emotional, stem mainly from your beliefs (and sometimes some conditioning). So if you want to get rid of problems, you need to eliminate the relevant beliefs. Beliefs cause serious problems such as depression, eating disorders, and chronic anxiety, and common problems such as procrastination, relationship issues, and doing things just to get people’s approval.

Getting rid of the relevant beliefs may not be the only way to get rid of such problems, but it certainly is one of simplest and fastest ways. In this situation, getting rid of beliefs is not an end in itself, but a means to a very desirable end.

2. A second reason to eliminate a belief is to be able to use the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process to create and experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being) in a matter of minutes. Such a shift typically requires years of meditation. Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) assists people to make that shift in less than 30 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter.

After using the WAIR? Process, people generally say that they experience nothing is missing, anything is possible, and they have no limitations. When asked to describe this experience in their own words, people say: powerful, serene, calm, peaceful, whole, complete, satisfied, empowered, nothing missing, no limitations and unlimited possibilities.

Because the WAIR? Process requires that you have eliminated at least one belief with the LBP in order for it to work, the incredible value of the state change it produces is a second good reason for eliminating a belief.

3. The first two reasons for eliminating beliefs are a means to another end. The third reason for eliminating a belief is an end in itself: We literally create new possibilities in our lives—a brand new reality—by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Let me give you an example. Assume you had the beliefs: I’m not loveable. Relationships don’t work. Men/women can’t be trusted.

With these beliefs, what are the possibilities that you could have a really good, nurturing, long-term romantic relationship? … Slim to nil, right?

Now let’s assume you use the LBP to completely eliminate those beliefs. Can you see you have just created the possibility of a good, nurturing, long-term relationship that literally didn’t exist before? There is no guarantee you will ever find such a relationship, but the possibility exists now that didn’t exist before.

This is one of the most powerful consequences of eliminating beliefs: You not only change your behavior and feelings, you actually change the reality you live in.

Let me remind you of something I wrote in an earlier blog post to make this idea completely clear. Let’s assume you held the following beliefs: You have to work hard to make money. I’m not deserving. I’ll never have enough money. /There is never enough money. Money is a struggle. Life is difficult. Your reality with these beliefs does not include the possibility of acquiring wealth easily, if at all. Without those beliefs the possibility comes into existence.

The possibilities that exist in your reality are defined by your beliefs. When you say something is impossible it actually becomes impossible for you. If you believe Life is difficult, you will experience things not going the way you wanted them to go as upsetting obstacles rather than exciting opportunities. If you believe I’m not capable or I’m not competent, would you likely try to do something you weren’t sure you could do? And if you tried, do you think you would succeed with these beliefs?

Imagine that each belief you hold is like a circle and you are limited to the behavior and feelings that are present in that circle. Anything outside the circle is not possible for you. In the illustration below, your range of possibilities is represented by the black space inside the circle.

When you have more than one belief, the other beliefs overlap each other, making the space available to you smaller and smaller as the number of beliefs increase.

In this illustration your range of possibilities is represented by the small black area in the middle. Imagine further that each of these three overlapping boxes represents one of the three relationship beliefs I listed above. Can you see that these three beliefs leave you very few possibilities for a nurturing, long-term relationship?

Now imagine eliminating these beliefs one at a time. Can you see that the space of possibilities increases as each belief is eliminated?

When all the beliefs are gone, you are no longer limited to the space inside the circles because there are no more circles. Every possibility outside the circles that had been unavailable to you before is now available and the space of possibilities becomes infinite. In other words, there are no self-imposed limitations remaining.

Shelly likes to use the metaphor of a room full of furniture. Each piece of furniture represents a belief, so if the room is full of chairs, tables, and sofas, there is virtually no room to move around. And you can’t get to the door to leave the room. Each piece of furniture (each belief) that you remove gives you more possibilities for movement. And when the last piece of furniture is removed, you gain access to the door and can leave the room. At which point there are no restrictions on your movement at all.

I have used the term “limiting beliefs” in the past. In fact all beliefs are limitations in that you are limited to that which is consistent with that belief and anything inconsistent is impossible. To use a silly example, if you believe Everything always works out for me, you do not have the possibility of things not working out for you, which could rob you of the ability to make mistakes and learn from them or learn how to transcend difficult situations. This may not be a belief you want to eliminate, but it still is a “limitation.”

I could devote an entire blog post to a discussion of this point. Suffice to say, as you eliminate beliefs, you increase possibilities in your life.

Notice that you don’t have to do anything (other than eliminate the belief) in order to create a new possibility and literally change your reality. Your reality changes automatically after the belief(s) has been eliminated.

4. In addition to changes in an individual’s life that result from eliminating beliefs, organizational change and social change also can be effected by eliminated the beliefs that govern those areas.

When I do workshops for CEOs I tell them that the biggest barrier their organization faces is not in the world (competition, government, costs, etc.), but in the minds of their employees.

For example, if most of the people in a company believe that something is impossible—such as outsourcing, raising capital, finding qualified new employees, or reaching a certain sales or earnings target—that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, because the employees will operate according to a reality consistent with their beliefs. If something is impossible, there is no sense in trying to do it.

In my blog post on November 17, 2009, I showed how the health care system that exists today is a function of a series of beliefs and how changing the system totally will be virtually impossible without eliminating those beliefs. I also showed how if those beliefs are eliminated and new beliefs created in their place, the health care system will change naturally to be consistent with those new beliefs.

I look forward to the day when people become so clear of the importance of beliefs that everyone learns about them in school, parents realize that their job is to help their children form positive beliefs, and social and organizational change is effected by changing the existing beliefs.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How Relationships Are Affected By Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:37:19 +0000

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“Why don’t you have a belief-elimination package that will help me get or improve my relationship?” we are asked regularly. Most of the eight packages we offer will significantly improve your sense of yourself, which obviously will help you improve your relationships, but none of the existing packages deals specifically with relationships.

We aren’t holding out on you. If we could create such a package, we would. But let me explain why it is so difficult to create a relationship package (at least given our ability to create pre-recorded belief-elimination packages right now).

The programs we currently have—such as procrastination, worrying what people think of you, lack of self-confidence, and stress—are caused by roughly the same beliefs for everyone. Each problem is very specific and the beliefs that cause it are the same for about 90% of the people with the problem.

A relationship problem, however, can be different for different people. For example, you can be shy and afraid to approach someone for a date, or if approached feel uncomfortable about talking to the person approaching you.

Or you can have a problem initiating a conversation or keeping one going when on a date. Or once you are in a relationship you can sabotage it. Or stay in a bad one despite it not working. Or leave as soon as it gets difficult and never really trying to make it work. Unfortunately, there are numerous ways you can screw up a relationship.

As a result we would need at least 10 different relationship packages, each with different relationship beliefs (anywhere from 5-20). And some beliefs would show up in several different programs and some would be unique to each program.

Take a look at just some of the beliefs that could negatively affect relationships that you might have (in addition to the negative self-esteem beliefs that underlie almost any relationship problem) to get a sense of what I mean. I’ve listed over 30 and there are even more that show up from time to time.

Men/women can’t be trusted.

Men/women are unfeeling/controlling/unreliable/unpredictable/emotionally unavailable/always cheat on their partner/etc.)

Relationships are difficult/don’t last/don’t work/are suffocating/etc.

The type of man/woman I would want wouldn’t want me.

I’m unattractive.

I’m too heavy.

Men don’t want heavy women.

I’m not what men/women want.

I have to be thin to have a man want me.

I’ll never get what I want.

Men have all the power.

There are no good men out there; they’re all taken.

Women/men are evil.

Men/women are selfish.

If I don’t take care of myself no one else will.

The way to survive is to always be in control.

The way to have power is to control and dominate.

Nothing good lasts.

If I get into a relationship, I’ll be abandoned/smothered.

To be in a relationship I have to sacrifice myself/what I want.

What makes me good enough is working hard/achieving/being successful/having a lot of money. (These beliefs will keep you at the office and away from your partner.)

Anger is dangerous.

Confrontation is dangerous.

It’s dangerous to express my feelings.

Any man/woman who would want me, I wouldn’t want.

It is highly unlikely that anyone would hold all these beliefs, but depending on which ones you do hold, different relationship problems would show up.

As I mentioned earlier, our negative self-esteem beliefs also inhibit nurturing long-term relationships. If you think, I’m not lovable/good enough/worthy, you are unlikely to think that others could find you lovable/good enough/worthy. And what if you believe Life is difficult or I’ll never get what I want? Or, No one is interested in what I have to say, I don’t matter, or What I want/think/feel doesn’t matter?

The inability to form a nurturing and lasting relationship and the inability to make an existing relationship work are the result of beliefs, just like any other problem. But because there are so many difficult types of relationship problems, we can’t (at least at present) offer an on-line or DVD program. In our one-on-one phone or Skype sessions we are able to pinpoint the exact nature of your relationship issue and then help you identify and eliminate the specific beliefs causing that problem.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog to this page.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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What Makes The Lefkoe Method Unique

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:01:42 +0000

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Last week I sent an email to my entire mailing list asking you for feedback about what makes our work unique. Specifically I asked you: “How have we helped you in a way no one else has? What have we done for you that other programs may have overlooked?”

Because I think our work is unique I wanted to find out if you agreed. I also wanted to use your words to describe The Lefkoe Method in the future.

I promised to read every comment and respond to your answers in a future blog post. Thank you for the avalanche of responses. I never thought so many of you would respond. Here is a very small sample of what you said along with my response:

“I especially like how simple and powerfully you put the viewer in a ‘logic box’ that can only lead him/her to one conclusion: that he/she is ultimately responsible and powerful in their creation of beliefs. The most effective thing I’ve seen in studying positive motivation and success theories so far. Such a breakthrough that I shall continue to recommend to others…. You rock.”

“Found your program unique in the sense it simplifies the approach to eliminate limited or dis-empowering beliefs. We realize that beliefs are our choices and can be changed to make them more empowering. Thanks for your innovative communication style.”

“There is plenty of literature and videos on the Law of Attraction but only a few of them address the issue of your subconscious filtering/altering the thoughts you generate. They come to the point of saying – so beware of what your subconscious beliefs are. Period. I’ve come across only one system that addresses the resolution of those beliefs in a ‘no-gimmics’ kinda way. And that’s the Lefkoe method. Mankind thanks you.”

“Then you said, somewhere, that ‘Anything only has meaning when we give it meaning.’ A searchlight blasted on in my soul. I had been trying to say that my entire professional career. But it was your words that put it right, that is, accurately, for me. Again, I say you have helped me immensely. Thank you.”

“Morty, thanks to you I know the power of beliefs and how they impact every word we say and every action we take. When we have mostly positive beliefs about life, success & what not, then life becomes like a harmonious play where we can just step into our greatness with ease and joy. I’ll never underestimate the power of beliefs again.”

“Morty, I think the big difference is that your process goes one or two critically important steps further than any other form of therapy. The first is that you don’t stop at simply remembering where a belief or limitation came from (childhood) but you lead the client to take complete ownership of their belief so that they can stop reenacting that belief in their life and they can stop blaming the parent (or anyone else) and as a result, there is an experience of freedom and great relief. The other critically important step is recognizing that you are the creator of your life and therefore, are the creator. This leaves the client totally empowered to self-coach when other survival patterns show up later on.”

“1. You care. Even though it is an ‘artificial’ program and I am not directly meeting you in person I sense and feel your caring and personal touch. …

2. You believe. …

3. You are Honest and have a higher sense of integrity. …

4. You are open to both negative and positive feedback and give a lifetime money back guarantee.”

“First of all, thank you for creating this process! … What, for me, makes your approach unique and special from the methods all those other good folks use to transform limiting beliefs, is this:

(1) Your method is FUN and EASY to do! Almost like going along with an episode of one’s favorite cartoon, and participating in it!

(2) Your method is COMPLETE, what in science is called necessary and sufficient: it is what you must do, and all you have to do. …

(3) Your method contains THREE necessary elements: understanding, experience, and the all important FELT-SHIFT.

(4) Your method is DEEP: only when the approach is deep enough can you get at the root cause. Only then can change be permanent and can one achieve true knowing, Gnosis. …”

“The thing you have delivered that no one else before ever had to me was permanency of transformation. All the other systems, the ones that worked, involved something that you had to do over and over without slipping, maybe for the rest of one’s life. Now, the only reason I’m using The Lefkoe Method over and over again is that I keep discovering new beliefs to eliminate – and each time leaves me stronger and more free.”

“Most importantly I was given a practical tool on how to bust certain beliefs. No other personal development resource has given me such a tool. I use the Lefkoe Method daily.”

“No other system, method or approach has ever really worked despite many years of attending to this knotty issue of; ‘how to effectively and permanently resolve unwanted beliefs?’ Your process works by taking a hidden subconscious issue and bringing it present into the consciousness of the individual in such a smooth and delightful way it is undeniable and therefore quite real! … Clarity is regained, energy is released and stuck attention is freed up. Energy abounds and happiness is restored. Truly this is one of the most important breakthroughs in mental technology ever innovated – my fondest hope is that the whole world will avail itself of this magnificent discovery!”

“You put things very simply and in a visual way. The almost child-like simplicity of the videos is very appealing and memorable. … You have consistently asked for feedback. You have not pressurised me to buy your products, which is always off-putting.”

“You’ve given me another view of things Morty. I like the logic and re framing of your arguments. I’ve gone through the free belief busting you’ve published and I look forward to experiencing more when I buy the whole program.”

“I just had no real comprehension how powerful and limiting beliefs can be and more importantly, some effective processes to use to get past them. Now that I’m aware of them, I am constantly asking ‘What is the belief behind this behaviour?’ – with coachees, my kids, my partner, my parents and myself. Your process has assisted me greatly in finding more effective solutions. Your work is so enlightening.”

I am thrilled that so many of you recognize my deep commitment to make a real difference in your lives and that you have gotten so much value from my programs. My life was so difficult for so many years that when I created the Lefkoe Belief Process (the first of the many processes that now make up The Lefkoe Method) I couldn’t wait to make it available to others so that they would have the same tools I had to fix up their lives.

And I am doubly thrilled that The Lefkoe Method is making such a profound difference in so many lives. Over 100,000 people visited our free belief site in its first year of operation, with about 35,000 signing up to eliminate at least one belief free.

Our goal at the Lefkoe Institute is to have at least 500,000 visit our site by the end of 2010, with at least 200,000 eliminating at least one belief and experiencing themselves as the creator of their lives. That would be the best Christmas present I could possibly have a year from now.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving (if you are in a part of the world that celebrates it).

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

An Effective Health Care System Requires New Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:05:00 +0000

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Once you understand the power that beliefs have to shape behavior and limit possibilities, you can begin to see why so many of society’s problems seem insoluble. Societal beliefs prevent change in society just like individual beliefs prevent change in individuals.

For example, if you have the belief Relationships don‘t work, your options are limited. You can avoid relationships altogether, not work very hard to make them work because you already know they won’t, not leave a bad relationship because you’ll never find a better one, and so on. But a long-term loving and nurturing relationship is not a viable option with that belief.

Just like your range of possibilities is a function of your beliefs, so the range of possibilities for any social institution is a function of its beliefs.

Let’s take a look. Virtually everyone agrees that the existing health care system doesn’t work, even though there are a number of conflicting theories about why and what should be done. What’s wrong? Insurance premiums are rising faster than the ability of millions of people to pay. Tens of millions of people aren’t covered by any insurance at all. An increasing percentage of our national income is being spent on medical care. People with preexisting conditions can’t get insurance. People who can’t pay aren’t getting the medical treatment they need. Corporations can’t afford the rising premium costs. In other words, the health care system is broken!

Many solutions have been proposed but none seem to resolve all the problems, and some proposed solutions create new problems. Why can’t we seem to find a way to create a health care system that works for all concerned?

If you imagine beliefs as a box that limits us—where we can only act consistently with what’s inside the box and what’s outside the box is virtually impossible because it is inconsistent with the beliefs—then there is no real solution to the health care crisis given the widely accepted beliefs about health care.

What are some of those beliefs? For over a hundred years the health care system has been built on these and similar beliefs:

* Health care should focus on eliminating symptoms and disease.
* Body and mind are considered separate; psychosomatic illness is mental and may be referred to a psychiatrist. Mental phenomena are irrelevant in treating most physical illnesses.
* The body is a machine in good or bad repair. The primary intervention should be with drugs and surgery.
* The focus should be on treatment of symptoms.
* The patient is dependent. The professional is the authority.

In recent years some major medical institutions (such as the Cleveland Clinic and the Mayo Clinic) and millions of individuals have rejected at least some of these beliefs. But these are exceptions, not the rule. It is news that one-third of the U.S. population has tried some form of “alternative” treatment in the past year.

For the medical profession as a whole, for insurance companies, and for most people, these beliefs underlie their interactions with the health care system and their attempts to improve it.

Because the beliefs I listed above still rule the health care system, preventative medicine, the mind-body connection, and treating people instead of symptoms are “outside the box.” Notice how these practices are described: they are “alternative medicine.” In other words, they are an alternative to accepted practice.

When the beliefs that govern the health care system change, new possibilities will open up and a new health care system will evolve, eliminating the problems that cannot be solved in the current “box.”

How can we do that? With a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process that can be used to create new possibilities for any social institution:

1. Identify the beliefs that are responsible for the current behavior.

2. Discover the source of those beliefs and realize that the beliefs made sense given the circumstances at the time.

3. Recognize that the beliefs—the meaning given to the circumstances—are a valid way to understand and deal with those specific circumstances. In other words, if the circumstances had been different, we would have formed different beliefs. Our conclusions are “a truth” for a specific time, not “the truth” for all times.

4. Take a look at today’s circumstances. Notice that it’s very different. Create new beliefs as the best way to understand and deal with today’s circumstances. Our answers are still not “the truth,” but “a truth”—only the best answers for today.

5. Because we now have a new set of beliefs, we also have many new possibilities that didn’t even exist before. Given our new beliefs about the social institution, what should everyone connected with it do?

Let’s apply these five steps to the health care system.

Step 1: Identify the beliefs that underlie today’s health care system. (See chart below.)

Step 2: What is the source of those beliefs?

There is not enough space in this blog post to describe the source of all these beliefs, but here is a very brief summary.

Descartes, the seventeenth-century French philosopher, taught that everything in the material universe was a machine, including human beings. He claimed that the human body reflected the machinelike characteristics of the universe itself—machinelike bodies inhabiting a machinelike world. He argued, therefore, that disease was a disorder of the mechanism; the machine was broken. Descartes devised what became known as the scientific or reductionist method: To learn about the complex, study the simple. Learn about a germ and eventually you learn about the disease associated with it.

A medical theory that supported Descartes’ general scientific approach was the theory of specific etiology: an identifiable microorganism causes every disease or infection.

In their book The Healer Within, Steven Locke and Norman Colligan describe the medical advances that flowed from these two theories:

“In 1906 researchers used Koch’s discovery of the tuberculin bacillus to develop a vaccine for the disease. In 1911 researchers developed a special arsenic compound, Salvarsan, which effectively treated many forms of syphilis. In the 1920s insulin was isolated, and insulin injections were extending the lifetimes of diabetic patients. In the 1930s, sulfa drugs appeared, and with them cures for bacterial pneumonia, meningitis, gonorrhea, and urinary tract infections. By the 1940s, the sulfa drugs were largely replaced by even more potent drugs, the antibiotics, made possible by the discovery of penicillin. It seemed that there was no disease that medical science could not handle.”

The biomedical approach resulted in physicians focusing more on diseases than on the patients who had the diseases. This trend was exacerbated by advances in medical technology, an early example of which was the stethoscope in 1819. Locke and Colligan write that diagnostic technologies “further reinforced the image of the patient as an object of study. By the turn of the century, doctors had tests for tuberculosis, diphtheria, typhoid, cholera, and syphilis. Soon after came the X-ray, the electrocardiogram, the electroencephalogram, and blood tests. The patient became less and less a fellow human being with an illness and more and more an amalgam of medical data.”

Step 3: The beliefs made sense given the circumstances at the time.

So where did physicians (and their patients) get the belief that the source of most illness and disease was an invading microorganism or a malfunction of the body/machine and that the influence of the mind was irrelevant? From their experience over several decades. As Locke and Colligan put it, “For most of the history of modern medicine this biomedical approach has dominated the philosophy of science for the best of all reasons: it worked.”
So where did physicians (and their patients) get the idea that a doctor’s job was to diagnose an illness and treat it, as opposed to dealing with a whole person who had a body and a mind? Again, from their experience in dealing with the world. Their conclusion was not illogical or invalid. It made sense. Their interpretation fit most of the available evidence.

The problem was that the medical establishment as a whole (with some exceptions) and most patients considered this conclusion an absolute fact—“the truth” rather than “a truth”—the only accurate description of illness and how the body worked, then and forever. Once the belief was formed, they became blinded to new evidence that was incompatible with their beliefs.

Step 4: Take a look at today’s circumstances.

It is clear that we now live in a world that is very different from the one we inhabited a century ago, a world in which there is irrefutable scientific evidence of a mind-body connection, evidence that existed only anecdotally during the years that the paradigm for modern medicine was being created.

The current paradigm is at variance with the new medical reality, as Dr. Larry Dossey (Beyond Illness) points out:

“What is the success of modern medicine? What can it do? These are the questions in need of answers in the debate . . . . The fact is that for the majority of patients who see physicians, the likeliest diagnosis is some type of psychosomatic or stress disorder. And regrettably, it is in this area—the area from which most patients suffer—that modern medicine is not at its best . . . . Actual studies show that three-fourths of all illnesses brought to physicians are self-limiting (that is, will go away without medical treatment). And of the remaining one-fourth, in only about half of the cases is medicine dramatically helpful.”

None of this is meant to denigrate physicians or modern medicine. The only point I’m making here is that what we observe when we look at what is known about health and illness today is vastly different from what we observed a century or so ago when the current medical model was being formed.

Today’s strategies are a function of an institution’s group of beliefs, which in turn were designed to be an appropriate response to a specific environment that existed when it was created. If today’s environment is significantly different, can you see that neither the current strategies nor the current beliefs can work for today? That neither are “the truth”?

Step 5: It’s fitting to ask: If we originally formed a set of beliefs and a course of action that was based on a careful analysis of the environment as it existed then, why don’t we do the same today?

Notice in the above chart that for the most part the existing beliefs generate questions and strategies about illness, especially how professionals can make people better after they get sick, usually using such “mechanical” aids as drugs or surgery. Can you see that the beliefs constituting one possible new set of beliefs lead to questions and strategies about a state of wellness, emphasizing prevention, involving the patient as well as the professional, and using the patient’s internal resources as a significant aid?

Each new belief opens up new possibilities for strategies and solutions. Experts in each field can provide better solutions than I can, and many already have. What’s been missing is the acceptance of a paradigm that allows solutions outside the existing one. Once people realize that the existing beliefs are “a truth,” not “the truth,” and view the alternative beliefs presented here as another “a truth,” one that is more appropriate for today, new health care and wellness strategies will be devised and implemented widely, not just in isolated situations.

Perpetuating outdated beliefs makes it impossible to resolve the problems of society. As Seaborn Blair once said, “Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change his mind.” Why don’t we want to change our minds? Because we are convinced that our beliefs are “the truth.”

Our only hope for resolving the myriad problems that confront us today and really improving the state of the world is to change our minds. If we are to create a society that really works for everyone, we must get unstuck from our existing beliefs and open our minds to alternative ones.

The Lefkoe Belief Process is one effective way to do that.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where it came from.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/lefkoeinstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Why Self-Help Often Doesn’t Work … And What Does

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:52:52 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

How many times have you attended a personal growth workshop, or listened to a self-help audio course, or viewed a set of DVDs designed to change your life? Given the type of people who usually read my blog, probably most of you.

And how many times did you get a high when you completed the program … that dissipated shortly, leaving you almost where you were before you started? Based on what many of you have told me, an awful lot of you.

Why don’t these courses that usually offer such valuable information produce lasting change? Based on everything we know about change, they should.

But what if our assumption about what produces change is wrong?

The presumption implicit in most attempts to change behavior is: Information (I) + Motivation (M) = Change. This makes perfect sense to most people who are trying to producer change, whether they are psychotherapists, training professionals, parents, or committed individuals. If you know what to do and how to do it, and if you are motivated (positively or negatively), isn’t that all you need to take the appropriate action?

Obviously not, since the formula of I + M = C doesn’t seem work a lot of the time. If it did, everyone would wear seat belts, which they don’t. Everyone would keep New Year’s resolutions, instead of letting them go after a couple of weeks. People suffering from cardiovascular disease would adopt low-fat, low-cholesterol diets. Corporate training programs would be far more effective in changing worker behavior.

Let’s take a simple example. Say you’re a procrastinator. You always leave work projects until the last minute. As a result, you’re anxious much of the time and sometimes you turn projects in late, which subjects you to the disapproval of your boss. In fact, he tells you, “I’d like to consider you for a promotion and a raise, but I can’t as long as you continue to deliver projects late.”

Making Plans To Change

You decide you must change and you really want to change. So what do you do?

*You prioritize your activities, assuming that it will help you focus on the most important projects.
* You make a schedule that helps you allot time during the month for work on the most important projects.
* You put up reminders in prominent places.
* You create rewards to give yourself when you finish a project—a special dinner or a new item of clothing.
* You ask your friends to support you.

So now you’ve gathered all the information and resources you need to get your projects done on time. And you have several strong reasons for doing it: a possible promotion, a raise, your boss’s approval, and an alleviation of your constant anxiety.

Does It Work?

But be honest! After you’ve done all this, plus all the other variations you’ve discovered, does the behavior pattern really change? Does the I + M = C formula enable you to do what you say you are going to do? And if it does today, does it continue to be easy month after month? For most of us, the answer is no. (If you think this isn’t a valid assumption, consider all the times you’ve committed to some change in your life, buttressed by Information + Motivation, but for some inexplicable reason you failed to follow through.)

Let’s look at another example of how I + M = C is ineffective in helping people change their behavior and emotions.

Imagine you attended a workshop, or read a book, or purchased some CDs and DVDs telling you what you have to do to have a great relationship. Now you know exactly what you need to do.

*You must honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings.

*You must listen from your partner’s point of view.

*You must “get” your partner’s communication, in other words, get that what your partner is saying is true for him/her whether or not you happen to agree.

*Focus on what you can do to improve the relationship instead of assuming all the problems are the result of your partner.

You now know what to do and you are motivated.

But months go by and nothing improves despite your best efforts. You are still withholding some of your thoughts and feelings. You still feel your partner is at fault for most of your difficulties. Etc.

Why isn’t I + M = C working?

Maybe because you still have the beliefs: It’s dangerous to express my feelings. My feelings aren’t important. No one is interested in what I have to say. Men/women can’t be trusted. Relationships are difficult. And so on.

Maybe because the formula of I + M = C never deals with beliefs, so lasting change isn’t possible. I + M = C isn’t enough to change emotional and behavioral patterns because the beliefs that cause them haven’t been eliminated.

Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts we have about reality that we are convinced are “the truth.” They are, for us, accurate statements about reality. Therefore your beliefs mold your behavior, your emotions, and your attitudes.

So if the personal growth material you’ve tried hasn’t produced lasting change, you now know why. You were informed and motivated, but you never eliminated the beliefs that necessitate the existing behavior you want to change.

Now that you know that your beliefs determine your life, you are where I was in January 1985: excited to have found the explanation for my inability to change my behavior and feelings—yet not knowing how to get rid of my limiting beliefs.

And then I found a way to eliminate those beliefs—quickly, easily, and permanently. And my life was changed forever. And now you can eliminate your limiting beliefs and change your life forever too.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Did I Really Eliminate a Belief?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:41:20 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

During the past few weeks we have been conducting a little study to determine how effective our free on-line belief-elimination program is.

We know from our one-on-one sessions that The Lefkoe Method is effective with about 90% of the people who use it. We’ve been offering a money-back guarantee to people who come to us to get rid of their fear of public speaking and only about 10% of the almost 2,000 clients who had that problem have requested a refund. And in informal follow-ups with clients who come to us with other problems at least nine out of ten clients continue to describe significant changes in their lives months later.

But from blog comments and emails from people who eliminated one or more beliefs on our free belief-elimination site, it seemed that the effectiveness rate was much lower.

So we conducted a study and asked people to click one of three links at the end of the process that eliminated a free belief. Here’s what we found. Belief was eliminated: 44%. Not sure if belief was eliminated: 44%. Belief was not eliminated: 14%.

This result was totally inconsistent with our experience with clients in one-on-one sessions. The 14% who said the belief was still there was close to our experience. But the number who were convinced the belief was gone was only about half of our experience. So we asked people who participated in the study if they were willing to be interviewed so we could solve this mystery.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone for the past few days talking to people who had clicked the “not sure” button, and here’s what I discovered.

What I Just Did Is Impossible

Almost all of the people I spoke to said that the words of the belief felt different at the end of the Lefkoe Belief process, but they just couldn’t tell if the belief was “really eliminated.” Almost all of them said something like: I didn’t expect it to work so quickly after having the belief so long.

I then asked, “Do you have the belief: Change is difficult and takes a long time?” They all answered, yes. The mystery was getting solved. They had the belief that what they had just done (totally getting rid of a belief they had lived with since childhood) was impossible.

That reminded me of what I had discovered during the University of Arizona research study with subjects who had a fear of public speaking. After they eliminated all the beliefs and conditionings that usually cause a fear of public speaking, I would ask them to imagine a talk in the future and to rate their level of fear on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no fear at all and 10 being terror. (The average for all the subjects at the start of the study was 7.) Most of the subjects said 2-4. Given the beliefs (and conditionings) they had eliminated, they should have said 1-2.

As I talked to the study subjects and asked a lot of questions, I started hearing comments like: Well, I can’t expect to get rid of a fear I’ve lived with for a lifetime in just a few hours.

So I added one more belief to the list of beliefs we used with the subjects: Change is difficult and takes a long time. After the subjects eliminated that belief (along with the others) the level of imagined fear dropped to 1-2. (That, by the way, was also the level they reported after they actually delivered a speech in public.)

Do I Feel The Belief in Real Life Situations?

The next thing I discovered from my phone interviews was that people were testing whether or not the belief was true by looking into their lives to check, which is one useful way to check.

Unfortunately, instead of imagining events in the future to see if the belief still seemed to be there, people were recalling events in the past when they felt the belief.

Because the belief actually did exist in the past, it felt to many people as if the belief was not gone. In order to see if the belief is gone, you need to imagine a future incident, the type that usually brought up feelings caused by the belief, to see if you still feel the belief.

When I did this exercise with the people who weren’t sure if the belief was gone, almost all agreed that it was.

But I Still Have The Problem

Some people had a sense that the belief was gone, but thought it couldn’t really be because they still didn’t feel good about themselves. These people thought that the belief—I’m not good enough or I’m not important—couldn’t have really disappeared if they still had any negative feelings about themselves.

I explained to them that one can have many other negative beliefs about oneself—such as I’m not capable, I’m not worthy, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m powerless—and getting rid of one negative self-esteem belief doesn’t automatically get rid of all the others. You have to get rid of each of the negative self-esteem beliefs you have before a negative sense of yourself will be totally eliminated, even though you will feel better about yourself in some way after eliminating each belief.

I Just Can’t Be Sure

In conversation after conversation, the people I talked to said: “I just couldn’t be sure. The words felt different, but I couldn’t say for sure if the belief was really gone.”

There is an exercise my wife Shelly created to help clients determine if a belief really is gone. She asks them to say the words “I’m a woman,” if they are a woman, or “I’m a man,” if they are a man. Then she tells them to say the words: “I’m a monkey.”

The client is then able to notice how it feels to say a statement that feels true versus a statement that feels false.

After Shelly asks them to say the words of the belief they just worked on, she asks them: Does your belief feel like saying “I’m a man/woman” or like saying “I’m a monkey.”

Because the first statement about being a man or woman is obviously true and the second about being a monkey is obviously false, this gives people a reference point to compare the belief to. That is usually enough for most people to conclude that, in fact, the belief really is gone.

I Thought I Had Eliminated a Belief Before, But It Came Back

Finally, several people I spoke to said the belief did feel gone after the process, but they had done other exercises in the past where it seemed that beliefs had been eliminated, and then after they went back into life, the belief came back (or perhaps it never really had been eliminated). Because of that experience, they were hesitant to say the belief was gone even though they felt as if it was.

So based on what people who weren’t sure if their belief was really gone told us, we will revise our video belief-elimination process to include what I learned from those of you I spoke to. I want to thank al of you who participated in our study for your support. Your feedback will help people realize that, in fact, many more of them really did eliminate a belief in just a few minutes that they had lived with since childhood.

Our commitment is to have at least 90% of all people who use our on-line and DVD processes experience the belief disappearing.

We really are committed to our mission: “To significantly improve the quality of life on the planet by having people recreate their lives [eliminate their limiting beliefs] and live as the unlimited possibilities they are [realize they are the creator of their lives, not merely the creation].”

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

Eating/Weight Problems: The Source and Solution

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:41:29 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Most of the behavioral or emotional problems we want to get rid of are relatively simple to deal with. We procrastinate. We worry all the time about what people think of us. We lack confidence. Using The Lefkoe Method you can find and eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause these problems. As a result, the problems will disappear.

Unfortunately overeating and weighing too much are not as simple. This problem is much more difficult to get rid of than most because it consists of from six to eight (or even more) sub-problems, each of which has to be handled before the real problem is solved.

Let me explain.

Some people gain weight because they eat a lot of unhealthy fattening foods and do very little exercise. That’s relatively simple to handle. Eat more healthily and get more exercise. If there are beliefs and conditionings that inhibit those two activities, get rid of them and you’ll start eating more healthy foods and exercising.

But for many people, the real problem is eating when they aren’t really hungry. If they would stop eating when they feel full and only eat when they are really hungry, the eating/weight problem would disappear. This is my ultimate goal for my clients, not losing weight. Because if most people with a normal metabolism and with a healthy diet eat only when hungry, they will not gain weight.

So the question then becomes, why do people eat when they aren’t hungry?

There can be many reasons, including:

It is a way to take a break from work; it’s a diversion.
It is a way to reward yourself when you feel no one else or nothing else will.
It is a way to experience love and acceptance.
It is a way to keep unpleasant feelings down—such as anxiety, anger, upset, and sadness.
It is a way to feel good, comforted, happy, secure, centered, at home.
It is a way to feel comfortable in social situations where everyone else is eating.
It is a way to remove yourself from the dating game and from sex. In other words, if you feel uncomfortable in romantic relationships and/or in sexual relationships, one way to avoid them is to get very heavy to discourage the opposite sex. In fact, although being significantly overweight might discourage some people from a romantic or sexual relationship, it obviously does not discourage a great many.
It is a response to childhood deprivation. If there wasn’t enough food to eat—if you didn’t eat the food right away it would be gone and you wouldn’t be able to eat at all—you can get conditioned to eat whenever you see food whether you are hungry or not.
If I work hard and accomplish a lot I’m entitled to whatever I want, including anything I want to eat.
You’re going to go on a diet and will be depriving yourself of food for a while.
The food tastes really good, which makes you feel good.

If your eating/weight problem is the result of eating when you aren’t hungry, then you need to determine which “needs” your eating is fulfilling. Then you can treat each of these needs as a separate undesirable behavior pattern. From there you can find and eliminate the beliefs that cause it.

In addition to having to get rid of a lot of beliefs, self-esteem and otherwise, eating/weight problems also involve a lot of conditioning.

Classical Conditioning

I discussed one type of conditioning and a process we have for de-conditioning in my blog post on May 5, 2009. In this type of conditioning, which psychologists call “classical conditioning,” something that normally doesn’t cause an emotional response gets conditioned to do so.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make this type of conditioning very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. Why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear when it became associated with the fist. Something was scaring you (the fist) and ice cream just happened to be there every time the fist scared you.

The principle is that anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other situations that are not inherently scary get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger). The Lefkoe Stimulus Process is a very effective method to use with classical conditioning.

Operant Conditioning

There is another type of conditioning that is especially relevant in eating/weight issues. It results from continually rewarding or punishing specific behavior, thereby conditioning that behavior. Psychologists call this “operant conditioning.”

For example, if every time you got upset as a child your mom gave you food to make you feel better, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you got upset.

Or, if your parents continually rewarded you for special things you did as a child by giving you a special meal with the food you really liked, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you wanted to feel acknowledged for something you did.

The Lefkoe De-conditioning Process is very effective with operant conditioning.

The Source Of One of the Sub-problems

Let’s examine one of the eating/weight sub-problems in a little more detail to see how it is the result of beliefs and operant conditioning.

Assume that whenever you feel alone, rejected, unloved, etc. you eat, whether you are hungry or not. You might believe I’m unlovable, I don’t fit in, Food is love, I’m alone in the world, Eating is the way to be loved, and If someone gives you food it means he loves you. There can be many others, but this gives you an idea of the type of beliefs that could cause a behavior pattern like this.

The operant conditioning involved here is eating in order to feel loved. This could have occurred early in life if your parents fed you as an expression of their love. This conditioning is more likely to be found in Jewish and Italian families.

Resolving eating/weight issues is especially tricky because you need to continue eating after the problem is gone. You can’t stop it completely like you can stop alcohol and drugs. Nevertheless, if you eliminate all the relevant beliefs and conditionings for all the sub-problems, an eating/weight problem can become nothing more than an unpleasant memory in your past.

To see a short video from someone who totally handled his emotional eating problems, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3tjZqDtBs8

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Answers to questions about beliefs, Part 2

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:40:47 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Here are my answers to a bunch of new questions I’ve been asked repeatedly about beliefs.

1. Once you understand that you can’t see beliefs in the world and that events have no inherent meaning, why do you have to go though the process time after time to eliminate additional beliefs?

Remember, a belief is a statement about reality you think is true. And most people, because they are visual, think it is true because they think they saw it in the world. Even though you know in principle that all meaning is in your mind and you can’t really see any of your beliefs in the world, all your reminding beliefs still exist because you still think you saw them earlier in life.

For example, even though it might now be real that you never saw I’m not good enough in the world, that all you saw were parents who were angry when you didn’t met their expectations, you can still think you saw I’m not important when your parents weren’t around.

Each belief exists independently for you as something you think you saw in the world (or, if you are emotionally kinesthetic, you think something in the world caused you to feel the belief). You have to eliminate each belief separately.

2. Why do you hold the belief that beliefs are difficult for a person to find?

They aren’t necessarily hard to find. And for someone who has had a lot of training and experience looking for the beliefs that cause any given problem, they can be relatively easy to find. It’s just that most people are not used to looking for the relevant beliefs for different problems, so most people do not know how to do it.

3. Why do I have a difficult time eliminating beliefs even after I’ve identified them?

Eliminating beliefs is not difficult when you are trained in a process that is effective at eliminating beliefs. Many of the techniques that claim to eliminate beliefs don’t really get rid of them, so the beliefs show up again later. Although it isn’t difficult to use the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate beliefs, you do have to learn how to use it. And if you don’t go through each step properly, the belief won’t go away.

4. Why do we seem to have more negative beliefs about ourselves than positive ones?

I’m not sure that we do. We generally are only aware of the negative ones that produce problems in our lives. But we have thousands of others that are either neutral or that lead to positive results.

5. How do you know the difference between a “belief” versus your intuition telling you something?

It can be difficult to know the difference. Here’s one tip that might be useful: If the feeling (of danger or whatever) occurs continuously, then it is probably the result of a belief or conditioning. Beliefs and conditionings affect us all the time and we would probably have the same reaction in similar situations.

If the feeling rarely occurs in similar situations, then it likely is intuition. Just remember, however, intuition isn’t accurate all the time.

6. Even when there is physical evidence that a belief you picked up as an adult is valid, how can you let go of the powerful emotion?

The emotion probably is the result of the belief, so when the belief has been eliminated, the feeling will be gone. Moreover, there is never physical evidence that a belief is true. There are events and then there is the meaning we give the events. The events are “valid”—in other words, they are out there in the world; the meaning (the belief) is always in our mind.

7. I’ve done your program (the beliefs seem to be gone), but the beliefs come back and are still there. How can I get rid of them?

For visual people, who know reality because they see it, beliefs rarely if ever come back. For emotionally kinesthetic people, who operate more out of feelings, beliefs do come back from time to time, but with much less intensity. Just use the Lefkoe Belief Process again and, for most people, that should be enough to get rid of them forever. For some people some beliefs might some back again, but the third time is usually sufficient to eliminate them permanently.

I’m working on developing a new process that will be more effective with emotionally kinesthetic people so the beliefs will stay gone the first time.

8. How do you identify the belief that is running our lives? Are certain survival strategies generated by certain beliefs?

First, there is no single “the belief” that is running our life. There are many. So we don’t look for the beliefs that “run our lives”; we look for the beliefs that cause specific problems in our lives, such as procrastination, anxiety, relationship difficulties, and worrying about what others think of us.

See my earlier blog post (August 8, 2009) that offers a few tips on how to find the beliefs that cause specific problems.

See my earlier blog post (May 26, 2009) that deals with survival strategy beliefs.

9. How do you know if you have a belief that may be holding you back from something that you want?

If you are unable to change your behavior or your feelings despite repeated attempts, the odds are what you want to change is being caused by beliefs and conditionings. If you are able to do what you want and change when you want to, you are unlikely to have limiting beliefs in that area of your life keeping you stuck.

10. Can you change your existing beliefs by reading articles about beliefs?

I’d hesitate to say that anything is impossible, but it is highly unlikely that reading articles about beliefs will eliminate them. In fact, it is highly unlikely that thinking about the steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process will eliminate a belief. You need to do the Process and make each step real for yourself. You need to get you never saw a specific belief in the world and that the events you did see have no inherent meaning.

As I said in answer to an earlier question, merely understanding that all meaning is in our minds will not make all beliefs go away. Understanding is nice, but it won’t eliminate beliefs.

11. Why do feelings of self-loathing reappear after I feel like I’ve dealt with and made peace with myself when I’m overwhelmed and frustrated?

Because “dealing with” and “making peace with myself” does not make beliefs go away. So whenever you get in a stressful situation, the beliefs that are still there get reactivated and you feel self-loathing. If you get rid of the beliefs that cause the self-loathing, the feeling will not come back again.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

How To Find The Source Of Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:30:20 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Since we first offered belief-elimination programs on the Internet last November many people have said to me: The source of the beliefs you give in the belief-elimination videos might be the source for most people, but not all are true for me. Please help me find the source of my beliefs.

So I decided to devote this week’s blog post to providing you with the principles we teach Certified Lefkoe Method facilitators, so that you will be more effective in finding the source of your beliefs when the sources we suggest on the videos aren’t true for you.

1. Beliefs are almost always a logical interpretation you make of earlier events. A belief is the meaning you give to events that have no inherent meaning. So the most obvious way to find the beliefs of the earlier events is to ask yourself: What possibly could have happened that would have led to this belief being formed? What might mom and dad have done or said repeatedly that would have had me conclude (the words of the belief)?

2. If the belief is a self-esteem belief—in other words, a belief about oneself such as I’m not important, I’m not good enough, or I’m powerless—then the source of the belief is almost always in interactions with parents (or very rarely other full time caretakers), before age six.

3. The source of a belief is rarely one or two incidents; it is usually a pattern of events, for example, the way you are treated by your parents daily, not the couple of times something “big” happened. Look for the nature of your relationship with your parents, rather than for specific incidents, although the incidents might be most real to you and can be used to eventually get to the pattern of behavior and the on-going relationship. Obviously, traumatic events like rape or seeing someone killed can, in themselves, lead to a belief.

4. For most people, the source of I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m not capable, I’m not competent, Nothing I do is good enough, Mistakes and failure are bad, and several other similar beliefs was your parents’ frequent dissatisfaction or anger when you weren’t doing what they wanted, when they wanted, or the way they wanted. You heard things like: Don’t you ever learn? How many times do I have to tell you? What’s wrong with you?

5. The question to ask is: What are the earliest events that could be the source of the belief? Self‑esteem beliefs almost always can be traced to the first six years of life with your primary caretakers. On the other hand, other types of beliefs are frequently formed later in life (for example, when you get your first job you form beliefs about work and when you get involved in your first relationships you form beliefs about relationships). So don’t assume that all beliefs can be traced to early childhood.

6. Try to get concrete events as the source of a belief, rather than interpretations, for example, my parents yelled at me and hit me, rather than my parents were upset with me or didn’t like me. If you can’t remember any concrete events after looking, but you do have a clear sense of the source of a belief, such as, my parents didn’t care about me, come up with specific behaviors your parents exhibited that meant to you that they didn’t care. This way you will have something to work with in the “seeing” and “kinesthetic” steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process.

7. Sometimes people will have no memory whatsoever of their childhood before the age of six or seven. Because most self‑esteem, sense of self, and sense of life beliefs seem to have been formed before that age, this situation can present a potential difficulty. In such a case it frequently is possible to get a good sense of what must have happened in your childhood by using the following technique:

Recall whatever you can of your relationship with your parents. What were the personality and behavior patterns of your parents at whatever age you can remember? If there were any later siblings, how did your parents deal with the younger brother or sister? When you have a good sense of your parents, ask: How would they have acted with you when you were two?—and then describe the behavior typical to a two-year-old. What about when you were three? Etc.

Typical childhood situations include: not putting things away; making noise; not doing what parents wanted, when parents wanted, the way parents wanted; not doing chores; parents not being around at all or being around physically but not emotionally; not having any say about what you did; not being held and kissed; not being acknowledged for what you did; being compared unfavorable with siblings or others.

Almost every client with whom I’ve tried this has been able to make real how her parents treated her before the age of six by imagining how her parents must have acted in specific typical childhood situations, based on a knowledge of her parents at a later age that is real for her.

Because I remember virtually nothing before the age of six, this is the technique I‘ve used to eliminate all my beliefs that were formed in childhood.

8. You might have a hard time finding the source of a belief because you are uncomfortable about criticizing your parents. Some of my clients constantly talk about how wonderful their parents were and say they can’t imagine anything their parents did or said that could have led them to conclude anything negative about themselves or life.

In such cases I emphasize that their parents did the best they could, that the point of the Lefkoe Belief Process is not to make their parents wrong, that something in their life must have happened that led to the belief in question, and that the dysfunctional pattern they now have is not the result of anything their parents did, but, instead, is the result of their interpretation of what their parents did. To avoid this problem I usually explain this before asking the clients about the events that lead to the belief.

9. It also is important to realize that even if 90% of a child’s interactions with his parents were “positive,” and only 10% “negative,” the child will still try to make sense out of the 10% and can reach negative conclusions about himself.

10. It is important to understand that the belief made sense at the time it was formed. It was a logical interpretation, one that most people (most children, in the case of beliefs formed in childhood) who had the same experiences would have made. You didn’t make a mistake in forming the belief. It was actually a brilliant abstraction that integrated a great many disparate events that hadn’t made sense before.

11. Sometimes you might feel strongly that there are two different sources of a belief, one from parents at home and one from early school. You are not sure if you had formed the belief before starting school. In such a case, use the earlier source. If the belief is not eliminated, then go through the program again using the later events as the source.

12. Although survival strategy beliefs are interpretations of events, like any other beliefs, there is something unique about the way they are formed. See my blog post on May 26, 2009 that describes survival strategy beliefs in detail.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

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Everyone Knows Change is Difficult … Are You Sure?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:22:42 +0000

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Because I’m in the change business I am frequently telling people that change is really easy if you first eliminate the relevant beliefs. Almost without exception, the response is: “But everyone knows that people resist change!”

Don’t you think that people resist change? Don’t you notice that your friends, family and co-workers frequently know what to do and just don’t do it. Of course people resist change. It’s human nature.

Maybe.

Obviously I don’t agree with this common point of view. People do resist something, but it’s not change. Let’s take a look and see what it is.

Let me describe two situations where people usually don’t change when they’ve been told why it is necessary and see if you can figure out what they really are resisting.

Resistance in Business

A common business situation illustrates workers who are seemingly resisting change. Many companies employ people called service technicians. These people see their job as installing, fixing, and maintaining whatever product their company sells.

In recent years management has tried very hard to get these people to provide a higher level of customer service. They are sent to workshops where they are told the importance of taking better care of customers: how customers will buy elsewhere unless they get a high level of service, how their jobs will be threatened if customers stop doing business with their company due to poor service, etc.

But in case after case, the level of customer service doesn’t improve much. According to management, many of the service technicians are “resistant” to change.

Well, if I’m right and they aren’t resistant to change, what are they resistant to? Here’s a clue: These employees believe they are technicians, whose job it is to install, fix, and maintain the company’s products. Now they are being told to take more time talking to customers, telling customers what they are doing and why, answering all the questions customers might have, etc.

Given their belief about their job, they think that what they are being asked to do will make it more difficult to do what they think their job is. They are thinking: How in hell will I ever get my job done if I have to spend all my time talking to customers?

Well, if someone is telling you to do something that will make it difficult for you to do what you think is right, what does their request sound like to you? … Like they’re telling you to do what you think is wrong.

In other words, the technicians are not resisting change (doing something different), they are resisting doing what they think is wrong given their existing beliefs.

What appears to be widespread resistance to change is nothing more than people acting consistently with their beliefs.

When I realized this many years ago (when I was a management consultant), I created workshops that would change workers’ beliefs about their jobs. The new job belief included the desired behavior. After eliminating the old belief and creating the new one, the workers naturally and effortlessly changed their behavior.

In the case of service technicians, we had them create a new job belief—I am a customer satisfier—in which taking better care of customers became possible. The shift in belief allowed employees to see taking care of customers as an integral part of their job, instead of getting in the way of their job. (And the level of customer satisfaction went from the mid 70s to the mid 90s.)

Resistance in Relationships

Now let’s look at a situation that comes up frequently in relationships. Imagine that you have a relationship with someone who yells at people whenever they don’t do what she thinks they ought to be doing. Perhaps you have told this person that you don’t like her yelling at you and you think it is inappropriate for her to yell at others. The response might be, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” But her behavior continues despite this admission.

The response, however, might be: “Yelling is the only way to get people to listen and do what you want.” That’s the belief that engenders the yelling. Given this belief, if you want to get someone to do something and they aren’t doing it, you have to yell to get results.

So if yelling is the right thing to do to achieve her goal, then not yelling is the wrong thing to do. The “yeller” doesn’t resist change; she resists doing what, for her, is wrong. Change the belief and the behavior will change naturally and effortlessly.

The logic of your argument for change is useless if you are trying to get people to do something inconsistent with their beliefs. They will continue to resist doing something they think is wrong. The next time you think someone is resisting change, ask yourself: What must they believe that has them think their current behavior is right and what you are suggesting is wrong?

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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What Happens When a Belief is Eliminated?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:49:19 +0000

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Because people are not used to permanently eliminating beliefs (processes that are guaranteed to totally and permanently eliminate long-standing beliefs are rare), people aren’t sure what to expect when a belief really is eradicated.

Actually, there can be a wide variety of responses. We have had people tell us that they felt their life was transformed, like an oppressive weight had been lifted from their shoulders. They were clear their life would never be the same.

Other people aren’t even sure the belief is gone. “I’m not sure” is their reaction. This reaction is usually the result of holding the belief: Change is difficult and takes a lot of time. Such people usually have eliminated the belief and have a hard time accepting that they can get rid of a belief in just a few minutes. They believe that what they just did is impossible!

Others experience that the belief is gone at the moment, but fear that it will return at some point in the future. Such people have done processes that purported to permanently eliminate beliefs in the past but the belief always “came back.”

Still other people realize the belief really is gone; it no longer resonates, the words sound meaningless, it is easier to say the belief. But the overall feeling is sort of: “So what? It’s gone. Now what?”

That’s a reasonable response, because most people don’t care about getting rid of beliefs; they want to get rid of the everyday problems that affect them daily. Some of the most common (and the approximate number of beliefs and conditionings that cause each) are:

Procrastination (16), need for the approval of others (10), fear of rejection (9), social anxiety (16), high levels of stress (23), a critical “little voice” in your head (18), perfectionism (14), a lack of confidence (23), and relationship difficulties (10-20).

Each of these everyday problems has a different number of beliefs (and conditionings) and the problem won’t be totally gone until all of the beliefs have been eliminated.

For example, here is a list of the beliefs and conditionings that cause procrastination:

Beliefs

Mistakes and failure are bad.
I’m not good enough.
Change is difficult.

What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
Nothing I do is good enough.
I’m not capable.
I’m not competent.
If I make a mistake I’ll be rejected.
I’m a failure.
I’m stupid.
I’m not worthy.
I’m powerless.
What makes me good enough or important is doing things perfectly.

Conditionings

Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
Fear associated with rejection

Thus, the ultimate test of whether or not a belief has been eradicated is when the problem disappears after you eliminate a bunch of beliefs and conditionings.

One of easiest problems to eliminate (if you know the source) is a phobia, which is caused only one or two beliefs and one or two conditionings. The most complicated problems to eliminate are chronic depression and eating disorders, which can have over 30 beliefs and conditionings, many of which are unique to each person.

By the way, if you discovered this blog recently, please take a look at earlier posts below. You might find a few that you are really interested in. Some recent titles include:

• Get Rid Of Negative “Senses” And “Expectations”
• Get Rid Of The Belief “I Can’t ….”
• Our Perceptions Shape Our Reality
• How To Find The Beliefs That Cause Specific Problems
• Why Does The World Suffer From An Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem?
• How To Create New Possibilities In Your Life
• Get Into An Altered State Of Consciousness In Minutes
• Can Beliefs Keep You From Becoming Wealthy?
• How Do Beliefs Produce “Driven,” Compulsive Behavior?
• Leave The Past In The Past
• Would You Like To Stop Worrying About What Others Think?
• How To Eliminate Some Of Your Negative Emotions … For Good
• How To Eliminate Upsets And Suffering From Your Life, Parts 1 And 2

Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where they came from.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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The Lefkoe Method Is Not Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:21:42 +0000

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Often when I start to explain to someone how the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) works, they quickly respond, “Oh, you’re just doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)!”

Although the LBP is similar in some ways to CBT (of which there are several variations), there are more things that are different than the same. (Because I am not trained in CBT, I have no first hand knowledge of it. But several people who are certified in CBT and who also are familiar with the LBP have helped me make the following distinctions between the two.)

First, some versions of CBT attempt to change beliefs by challenging the validity of the evidence that the client uses to support them. However, the “evidence” that people offer for a belief usually is not the actual reason they believe it. The evidence people offer usually consists of recent observations that appear to substantiate the belief. The real source of one’s fundamental beliefs, the LBP contends, is interpretations of circumstances earlier in life. Core beliefs about one’s self and life are usually formed in childhood. After a belief has been formed, however, one acts consistently with it, thereby producing “current evidence” for the already-existing belief.

Because the evidence one presents to validate one’s beliefs usually is a consequence of the beliefs, not its source, challenging the validity of that evidence may not be the most effective way to eliminate beliefs.

Second, CBT tries to show clients that their thinking is illogical, broad generalizations, self-defeating, etc. The LBP makes no attempt to get clients to see that a current belief is wrong or not true, to see it as illogical, to accept that it does not make sense, or to reject it as self-defeating. The LBP actually validates people for forming the belief earlier in life by assisting them to realize that most people probably would have made a similar interpretation under similar circumstances. It insures that people realize that their belief actually is one valid interpretation of their earlier circumstances.

CBT attempts to get clients to realize their beliefs don’t make sense and are self-defeating; therefore they should give them up. The LBP assists people to eliminate beliefs by getting them to realize that they form beliefs by giving/attributing meaning to events that have no inherent meaning, after which they think they can “see” that meaning inherent in the events. When clients realize they really can’t see the belief (the meaning) in the world, that it exists and has only ever existed in their minds, and when they realize the feeling of the belief was not caused by something outside of them, but by the meaning they gave the events, the belief is eradicated.

A third element that distinguishes the LBP from some versions of CBT is that CBT tries to get the client to agree to act consistently with an alternative belief to test its possible validity. In other works, homework is an integral part of CBT; there is nothing a client has to do between sessions with LBP. Because the current belief is totally eliminated by using the LBP during the session, one has no need to try to change one’s behavior when one goes back “into life”; one’s behavior changes naturally and effortlessly once the belief is gone.

A fourth distinction between the LBP and many cognitive approaches is that the latter frequently give clients tools that they are expected to use to think more rationally in order to act more rationally in the face of strong emotions such as fear, anger, depression, hostility, etc. The LBP is used by a facilitator (either a live person, or an on-line or DVD program) to assist clients to eliminate the beliefs that cause such emotions. When these emotions stop after the beliefs (and conditionings) that give rise to them are eliminated, clients no longer need a tool to deal with them more effectively.

Fifth, The Lefkoe Method includes other processes other than the LBP when appropriate. For example, the Lefkoe Stimulus Process facilitates de-conditioning the stimuli for negative emotions, which has nothing to do with beliefs or illogical thoughts. In order to get rid of the fear of public speaking, for instance, one has to extinguish the conditioned stimuli that have become associated with fear, such as facing criticism, or feeling that one is not meeting expectations, that one is being judged, or that one is being rejected.

And in last week’s blog post I described the Lefkoe Sense Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process, which de-condition negative senses and expectations. To the best of my knowledge CBT does not deal with conditioning directly.

Finally, there is no explicit spiritual element in CBT. As far as I am concerned, the “Who Am I Really?” Process, which helps you shift your identity from an ego—the sum total of your beliefs and their manifestation—to the source of the ego, is a crucial element of the LBP and is as important as getting rid of beliefs.

The Lefkoe Method, which includes the LBP and several other processes, accomplishes two distinct things with clients:

It helps people make fundamental changes in who they think they are, namely, their beliefs and the way those beliefs manifest in their behavior and feelings, by eliminating beliefs and de-conditioning stimuli, senses, and expectations.
It helps people make a distinction between themselves as the sum total of their beliefs and how they manifest, and themselves as the creator of those beliefs, and, therefore, of their lives.

Because CBT is the most researched psychotherapy (and is considered the “gold standard”), I am excited to announce a research study we are about to start. Conducted by a major university, the study will compare the results of using our Natural Confidence DVD program, which contains 23 self-esteem beliefs and conditionings, with 10 hours of private CBT sessions. The study will measure changes in self-esteem, self-confidence, and stress. Stay tuned for the results.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Get Rid Of Negative “Senses” And “Expectations”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:11:27 +0000

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In my post on May 5, 2009, I described the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStP), the most important process other than the Lefkoe Belief Process that we use to help people get rid of unwanted behavior and emotional problems.

This process de-conditions common events that have been conditioned to cause fear and other negative emotions. To get rid of almost any emotional problem, you will have to get rid of beliefs and conditionings.

There are two additional processes I’ve created to help clients eliminate problems in their lives that can be very valuable: the Lefkoe Sense Process (LSP) and the Lefkoe Expectation Process (LEP). I’ve never heard of anything that can do what these two processes do as quickly and effectively.

The LSP is useful after one eliminates all the relevant beliefs one can find and still has a negative sense of something. It usually doesn’t exist in words. It is a “sense” that typically is described in bodily feelings, colors, images, etc. You actually can have a negative sense of anything, such as people, life, and work, but the most common negative sense that needs to be eliminated is one of self.

Try it right now. Close your eyes and look inside for your sense of yourself. … If you find words, such as “not good enough” or “not important,” that is probably the result of beliefs like I’m not good enough and I’m not important. But keep looking: Is there a sense that doesn’t exit in words? If there is and it is negative, the LSP can help you get rid of it.

I’m going to provide the steps of the LSP below with a caveat: Using it will produce virtually no change unless you eliminate all the relevant beliefs first. If there is still a negative sense after getting rid of all the limiting beliefs, then this process will get rid of it.

Finally, before presenting the entire LSP, let me explain Step 3, which says: “Is it real to you that your current sense of yourself was caused by those [childhood] events and the meaning you gave those events?”

Let me explain why this is true. Any child in any culture recognizes certain facial expressions as “angry,” which most children would interpret as meaning there is something wrong with me. Why that interpretation and not, what’s wrong with my parents? Two reasons.

Second, children think adults, especially their parents, have all the answers to dealing with the world and children know they know very little about how to deal with the world. Children are always saying, “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to … (or then I’ll know what to do).” So if mom and dad are angry, it must be my fault; there is something wrong with me. Before a child has words this can be experienced wordlessly as: pushed away, black, overwhelmed, not acceptable, etc.

If you don’t get what you want a lot of the time, you might feel powerless even before there are any words for that feeling. If mom and dad aren’t around a lot of the time when you want them, you might feel alone.

To summarize, events in your childhood and the meanings you give those events are the source of the “sense” you formed of yourself at the time and that still exists today.

Steps of the Lefkoe Sense Process (LSP)

1. Close your eyes, look inside, and find your sense of yourself. Don’t worry about putting words on the sense. Your experience might be in the form of pictures, images, feelings, or vague thoughts. Just try to experience it as fully as you can right now. [Give the client a moment to think.] … Now that it is real, please use a few words to describe that sense so that I can get an idea of your experience, even though the words are not your experience.

Client’s description of sense: _______________________________________.

2. What are the events when you were a young child that first caused ________________________________? [describe the sense using client’s exact words] [The events are almost always interactions with parents early in life.]

3. Is it real to you that your current sense of yourself was caused by those events and the meaning you gave those events? [The answer should be, yes.] NOTE: Even though usually events have no inherent meaning for adults, they do for children who are dependent on their parents (or other adults) for their very survival.

4. Is it real to you that the only reason that _____________________________ [describe the sense using client’s exact words] is your sense of yourself today is that as a child you never distinguished between you and the meaning you gave specific circumstances outside of you that really caused the______________________________? [describe the sense using client’s exact words] In other words, can you see that the _____________________________ was [describe the sense using client’s exact words] never inherent in you—it was never who you really are? [The answer should be, yes.]

5. To make this distinction real, if earlier in life the circumstances that originally caused the ___________________________ had been different, [describe the sense using client’s exact words] if_______________________________ [state the opposite of what actually happened] had happened instead, would you have had the _________________________________________________________then? [describe the sense using client’s exact words] If you didn’t have it then, would you have it now? [The answer should be, no.]

6. Close your eyes and look inside. Do you still experience yourself as ________________________? [The answer should be,no.] [describe the sense using client’s exact words]

Note: Sometimes the entire negative sense will be gone at the end of the process. If only some aspects of the sense have been eliminated, do the process again with whatever words describing the sense still feel true to the client. There may be a different source for what remains.

The other process that can be very useful is the Lefkoe Expectation Process (LEP). Sometimes after all the relevant beliefs have been eliminated one still expects life to be difficult, to not get what one wants, to have anxiety in certain situations, etc. This process can eliminate those negative expectations. Like with the LSP, you should eliminate all the relevant beliefs first, because often that will eliminate the negative expectation. But if the expectation is still there, use this process.

Here are the steps of the LEP.

Steps of the LefkoeExpectation Process (LEP)

To be used to eliminate negative expectations about some area or issue.

1. What is your expectation about _____________________________________?[Insert the area or issue, for example, self, life, relationships, or career

2. ___________________________________________________________ [Insert the expectation given by the client.]

3. What happened early in your life that might have led you to this expectation? [Note: The client usually will say: I expect … to happen in the future because it happened many times in the past.]

4. An expectation is nothing more than assuming the future will be like the past. Can you see that your expectation made sense given the many experiences you had that were similar to what you now expect? [The answer should be, yes.] Can you see that your expectation is a function of those specific circumstances? [The answer should be, yes.]

5. If the circumstances in the past had been different, would you still have had the same expectation? [The answer should be: Of course not.]

6. Describe the differences between your earlier circumstances and today’s circumstances. [If the client has difficulty in doing this, you can assist. One crucial difference is that the client has The Lefkoe Method available now and a lot of beliefs the client had then he does not hold today. Also, in most cases the “earlier circumstances” occurred when the client was a child; now she’s an adult.]

7. Can you see that today’s circumstances are very different from the earlier circumstances that led to your expectation? [Summarize the current circumstances that the client has just stated in #6 above.] [The answer should be, yes.]

8. Don’t tell me what you want, what you wish for, or how you’d like it to be. If expectations for the future are based on current circumstances, tell me what any reasonable person would expect in the future given your circumstances today, namely ________________________________________. [Restate what the client stated in #6 above.] [The answer will be a different expectation.]

9. Close your eyes and look inside. What do you expect about ___________________________ right now? [Insert the answer from #1 above] [The client will describe a new, positive expectation.]

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Get Rid of the Belief, “I can’t …”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:27:13 +0000

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A few years ago while in the midst of a corporate consulting assignment I realized that there was one crippling belief that was rampant in every organization I had ever worked in. And this belief was not only the most common belief in organizations, it was, in my opinion, the biggest single barrier that most organizations have.

What is this belief? I (or we) can’t ….

“We can’t out-source that product.” “I can’t possibly find the time to do that.” “We can’t find the employees we need.” “I can’t get the support I need.” “We can’t possibly finish the project as quickly as the customer wants.” And the list goes on and on. If you work in a company you hear I can’t … all day long. And if someone (or lots of someones) believes something “can’t be done,” then the chances to slim to nil that it will get done.

This belief, like any other belief, can be easily eliminated using the Lefkoe Belief Process and we used the LBP repeatedly in our organizational work for many years. (The Lefkoe Institute has helped over 10,000 employees in over 50 corporations eliminate beliefs that kept the organizations from realizing their full potential.)

The only difficulty is that we couldn’t be at every meeting of every group of employees to hear each I can’t … being expressed and then eliminate it. And it currently takes a lot of time to train people to be effective with the LBP. So I needed to create a process that I could teach employees quickly that could eliminate the innumerable I can’t … beliefs.

My solution was a modified version of the LBP that I call the Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities (LBP-P), because when a belief is eliminated possibilities are created that didn’t exist before. (What can’t be done is not a possibility. As soon as it can be done, a new possibility comes into existence for us. For example, if we can’t raise the money we need, raising the money is not a possibility for us. When the belief is eliminated, raising the money suddenly becomes possible.

This process can be taught to people in less than an hour. I’ve taught it to over a thousand CEOs, who then taught it to others in their companies.

Because I can’t … shows up in our personal lives almost as often as in organizations, I thought I would devote this blog post to teaching it to you. So here are the basic steps of the process so you can use it in your organization and with friends.

Steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities

(This is a modified Lefkoe Belief Process that is used to eliminate I can’t … beliefs in order to enhance innovation and create new possibilities.)

You will usually hear someone state, I can’t …. out loud. If you are trying to help someone find their unconscious I can’t … beliefs, you can ask the following three questions:

a. What do you want to have happen?
b. What do you have to do to make this happen?
c. What’s in the way of you doing that? (The answer will be, I can’t … because ….)

1. What is it you have to do or can’t do? (NOTE: If someone states the belief in a positive way, for example, “we must,” turn it into the negative version, “we can’t.”

2. How do you know that? What happened that led to the belief being formed? (The source here is not childhood, but one’s recent experience.)

3. Can you see that your belief made sense given your experience? (The answer will always be, yes.)

4. You saw that it couldn’t be done the way you did it, at that time, under those circumstances. Can you say with absolute certainty that it could never be done any way under any circumstances in the future? (Logically, the answer will always have to be, no. You can never say anything about the future with absolute certainty.)

5. Couldn’t your past experience also mean: I haven’t found a way to do it yet, but that does not mean that it can’t be done? (Again, the answer will always be, yes.)

6. Can you see that your belief is only a description of the way it was in the past and not the truth about the future? (The answer will be, yes, which is acknowledging that the belief is no longer the truth.)

7. If it’s not the truth that I can’t … [state the belief], how would you solve the problem if you could do it? (The I can’t … belief is gone after Step #6. If you are trying to solve a problem and someone stops the conversation with the belief, We can’t …, after the belief is gone you can return to the discussion and find a solution.)

Try using the LBP-P in your company or with a friend and then leave me a note here on my blog about your results.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How To Find The Beliefs That Cause Various Problems

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:08:54 +0000

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Getting rid of a limiting belief with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) is not particularly difficult. We can train people to do that in a weekend. And we can create an on-line process or a DVD that will eliminate a specific belief.

The trickiest aspect of the LBP is identifying all the relevant beliefs that cause a given problem. Getting rid of the beliefs is actually easier than finding them.

That’s why we can put together programs that eliminate specific problems when we already know what beliefs (and conditionings) cause those problems for most people. So far we have created packages that get rid of such issues as procrastination, lack of confidence, social anxiety, fear of rejection, the need for approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads.

Other patterns like depression and eating disorders can have upwards of 30-40 beliefs (in addition to conditionings, senses, and expectations). These patterns can have as many as 15 negative self-esteem-type beliefs, along with negative beliefs about life, such as life is difficult. It is easier to get rid of bulimia than overeating, because you can stop bingeing and purging, but you can’t stop eating. And overeating is really a combination of several different issues, for example, people can eat to keep feelings down, to reward themselves, to take care of themselves when they think others won’t, to keep from thinking about unpleasant things, and woman sometimes gain weight to remove themselves from the dating game.

Many patterns share a lot of the same beliefs. So, for example, if you eliminate all the beliefs for a lack of confidence (19 beliefs and 4 conditionings), you also will be eliminating all the beliefs that cause several other problems, such as procrastination, lack of confidence, social anxiety, fear of rejection, seeking approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads. These other problems have fewer beliefs and conditionings (as few as 6 beliefs and 3 conditionings for fear of rejection) and different combinations of them.

I am frequently asked how one can figure out what beliefs and conditionings cause specific problems. We spend an entire three-day weekend teaching people how to do this, so I can’t teach you in a short blog post. But the first step is just to figure out logically what beliefs could cause the problem.

If you are afraid to take chances, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … Mistakes and failure are bad. I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough.

The Best Technique For Finding Beliefs

The best single technique for finding the relevant beliefs is to notice what you are thinking and feeling as the problem occurs. They will be a clue to the underlying beliefs. For example, if the overall problem is social anxiety—not feeling comfortable with people in social situations—then when meeting someone at a party you might notice yourself thinking: I don’t feel comfortable when people are putting their attention on me. And you might be aware of an anxious feeling as if something bad is going to happen. Two beliefs that “go with” those thoughts are: Something bad will happen if people put their attention on me and I’m not good enough. A conditioning that could account for the feeling is: fear associated with people focusing on me.

Ultimately, experience is the best way to find all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. (As I mentioned in a recent post, a negative sense of self and life, along with negative expectations, sometimes have to be eliminated before an undesirable behavior or feeling is totally gone.)

Luckily, not knowing what beliefs cause which problems is not really a problem because we at the Lefkoe Institute already know what beliefs (and conditionings) cause common problems. In other words, probably 90% of people will be able to get rid of a given problem if they eliminate the beliefs and conditionings we’ve already identified for those problems. And we offer packages that eliminate the beliefs and conditionings for those problems.

And if you have a problem for which we don’t yet have a package, Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitators are able to help you find the beliefs and conditionings that cause any problem you want to get rid of, and then help you eliminate them.

My Vision

My vision is to have The Lefkoe Method so thoroughly incorporated into the culture that everyone learns the relationship between beliefs and behavior at an early age and also learns how to help others eliminate beliefs and change behavior. And to have parents know the child-rearing techniques that minimize the number of crippling beliefs their children form.

Let’s Create This World

Can you imagine a world in which it was commonplace for everyone to be able to do that for everyone else? That’s my vision and what my life is dedicated to creating.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs and four conditionings, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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A Tool For Resolving Conflict

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:27:50 +0000

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“Amazing!! You must do it in Hebrew and Arabic!!! It will change the condition in all the Middle East.”

This is one of my favorite comments written on my blog. It’s from Yair, someone in Israel who wrote it after using our free belief-elimination process. Yair obviously saw how the principles of the Lefkoe Belief Process could be useful in resolving the Middle East (or any other) conflict.

For years I’ve wanted the opportunity to help in that situation by using a variation of the Lefkoe Belief Process.

Here’s what I’d do.

First, I would get representatives from all the different factions on each side to a big table, with each group facing the other across the table.

Second, I’d ask , what do you do to protect yourselves? How do you deal with the other side? (If you identify closely with either side in the conflict, imagine yourself sitting at the table and answer these questions for yourself.)

Israel might talk about the checkpoints and roadblocks, the invasions of Palestinian areas, and the fence. Palestinians might describe their acts of violence and their attempts to gain international support for their position. We’d soon discover that what each side does is precisely what the other side uses to justify its behavior.

Third, I’d ask, what do you believe that has you act the way you do?

Representatives from Israel might reply that the fence and checkpoints are the only way to keep suicide bombers out of areas where Israelis congregate. The invasions are the only way to stop the rocket fire, which comes from the invaded areas. We have the right to settle anyplace in Israel, even in areas that are predominantly Palestinian.

Palestinians might explain that violence is the only avenue open to try to get Israel to recognize their basic human rights and give them back their homeland, which was taken from them by force and by illegal and immoral international agreements. No matter where we live today we have the right to return to our former homes in Israel.

Fourth, I’d ask, what happened to you that led you to hold the beliefs you hold?

Israelis might reply with a history lesson: Centuries of anti-semitism, the Holocaust, the struggle to create a homeland of their own, trying to survive as a small nation when others have sworn to push them back into the sea, constant shelling from Palestinian areas (and other countries), and the ever-present threat of suicide bombers. Jewish people have always lived on this land and King David made the city of Jerusalem the capital of Israel 3,000 years ago. Even 150 years ago there were more Jews living in Jerusalem than Muslims.

Palestinians might reply with their own history lesson: We were living here peaceably when Israel and international agreements (we were not a party to) forcibly drove us from our homeland, Israel has kept us from returning and denies those of us living in Israel basic rights as human beings. Jerusalem contains some of Islam’s holiest cities. They probably would add: The Jews used violence against the British when they thought it was the only way to get them to give up control over what is now the State of Israel, and it worked.

Fifth, I’d point out to both sides, that given their respective histories—what has happened to them as a people—their beliefs make perfect sense. Most people with similar histories would have similar beliefs. And given their beliefs most other people would act the way that they act.

In other words, I would totally validate each side, making it clear that their experience as a people led to their beliefs, which now determine their behavior. In other words, given their experience, their behavior actually makes sense.

And then I would ask the sixth and final question, What if you were born to the parents of the people sitting on the other side of the table and were brought up as they had been brought up? Take a few minutes and make that fully real. Imagine that that really happened. … Which side of the table would you be sitting on now? Which side would be “right”?

Obviously, the current behavior, beliefs, and histories (source of the beliefs) are much more complicated than I’ve presented here. But I have presented the essence of what each side would answer and showed how the Process would work no matter how complicated the answers may be.

This Is Not Merely Taking The Other Point Of View

This approach is very different than merely suggesting to someone, “Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Given our beliefs that make us think and feel we are “right,” it is almost impossible to emotionally experience what the “other person” is feeling. But if you actually make each of the above steps real to yourself, you will have the profound experience that your beliefs and behavior are no longer “right,” but only a function of your earlier experience.

I’m actually not sure what would happen after Israelis and Palestinians completed all six steps, but it would be impossible for them to continue to be righteous about their respective positions when they’ve just had to acknowledge that they would be arguing the opposite point of view if they had been born to different parents. Because if an accident of birth would have resulted in them having opposite positions, then they can’t argue that their current positions are “right.”

Solutions Do Exist

I have no idea how to work out the many real disagreements between them, but many experts have developed possible solutions. As Professor Robert Mnookin, chair of Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation said in a Harvard Law Bulletin article: “Unlike other ethnic conflicts where solutions are difficult to imagine, as in the Balkans, an arrangement that might greatly reduce the tensions and violence between Israelis and Palestinians isn’t hard to identify. The mystery is why that can’t be achieved.” (Emphasis added.)

A partial explanation for the “mystery” is that each side thinks it is “right” and the other side is “wrong,” so the other side should make most of the compromises. (“Why should I give away something to which I am entitled to people who are not entitled to it and who are killing my people?”) When it becomes clear that neither side is right or wrong—that everyone is only acting in accordance with beliefs derived from an accident of birth—compromise might be a lot easier to achieve.

A further explanation for the “mystery” is the profound disagreements between the various factions on each side. Therefore I suggest that the six-step process be used first with a three-or four-sided table and representatives from the Israeli factions and then again with the Palestinian factions, before the meeting between the two major parties to the conflict. Because each faction has somewhat different histories, each has different beliefs, leading to different behavior. Each needs to discover that its point of view is not “the truth” before there can ever be a unified Israeli and Palestinian position.

The Process Will Work With All Conflicts

By the way, you might have realized as I described the steps I would take with the two sides of the Middle East conflict that this approach would be just as useful in labor-management disputes. In fact, couldn’t you use it with minor modifications with your spouse or significant other to resolve interpersonal conflicts?

The Process I’ve described is not merely a theoretical model; it is a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process that we’ve used with over 31,000 people to help them totally and permanently eliminate the beliefs that determine what they do and feel. It is so consistently effective that we actually guarantee that people will get rid of their anxiety, their fears, their approval seeking, their procrastination, etc. when they eliminate the beliefs that cause those problems, such as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, and I’m powerless. So we have considerable evidence that the basic process is extremely powerful and has produced spectacular results for 24 years, which have been verified in a study published on a peer-reviewed psychological journal.

Please pass this on to anyone you think might be interested in this six-step process for resolving disputes, especially anyone who is actively working on resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate crippling 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Answers To Common Questions About Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:52:50 +0000

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Last fall I conducted a one-hour tele-seminar in which I answered questions I had been sent about beliefs. I thought I would devote this week’s blog post to answering a few of the most common questions I received.

Question: Once you have eliminated a belief, what does one need to do to move forward and leave their dysfunctional behavior patterns behind?

Answer: In a word, nothing. Once you have eliminated all the beliefs (there is rarely only one) that cause any given behavioral or emotional problem, the problem just dissolves and there is nothing more you have to do.

Question: How critical is it to identify the origin of a belief correctly, and how accurately does one need to identify it?

Answer: Our experience is that you do need to find the real source of a belief in order for the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to be effective in eliminating the belief. For example, if you think the source of a belief is experiences you had in school, when the real source is interactions with your parents, the belief might not be eliminated. Why?

Remember that in the process you are asked: Imagine being a child and observing the events that led to the belief. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see (the belief)?

For the belief to go away for visual people, you need to get that what you’ve spent a lifetime thinking you saw in those events, you never really did see. If you truly can see something, then it really is there. The trick is to realize that you didn’t see what you thought you saw. The belief (in other words, the meaning you gave the events) exists only in your mind, not out there in the world to be seen.

If you mistakenly choose other events that aren’t really the source, you still will think you saw (the belief) in interactions with your parents and the belief will still be there.

For people who are predominantly emotionally kinesthetic and “felt” the belief instead of seeing it, they need to get that the events didn’t make them feel (the belief); it was the meaning they gave those events. Again, if you have the wrong source, this part of the LBP might not work.

More often than not, a belief is formed from the meaning we give to a pattern of events, such as the way mom and dad reacted when you didn’t live up to their expectations or the fact that mom and dad weren’t around very much. Not the one time you remember dad yelling or mom not being home one afternoon.

There is no way to know for sure if you have found the “real” source of a belief. One test is whether or not it feels true for you that a repeated pattern of events led you to form the belief. Another is that you need to be able to answer yes to the question: Wouldn’t most people have formed the belief you did in those same circumstances?

In other words, the events must be a logical source for a given belief.

Question: When going through the process of eliminating beliefs, I have a hard time with the concept of ‘seeing’ the belief. I usually don’t think I saw it; it’s more like I felt it. So sometimes beliefs don’t go away because I don’t get it. Is there a way around this?

Answer: I provided part of the answer to this question in my answer to the prior question.

Emotionally kinesthetic people generally do not “see” the belief in the situations that led to the belief being formed, they “felt” it.

The end of the Lefkoe Belief Process has a section specifically for people who are kinesthetic, so if you don’t think you saw the belief, just skip that question and go to the next step of the Process (the events that led you to form the belief have no meaning) and then finish the Process. If you complete the LBP, the belief will be eliminated.

Question: How do you apply the technique [Lefkoe Belief Process] on your own?

Answer: Most people cannot do it by themselves; a few can. Try it; it might work for you.

There are at least three reasons most people can’t do it.

First, without a lot of training it is hard for most people to identify all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. And if you don’t find and eliminate all of them, the problem might lessen, but not be eliminated totally.

Second, even when you know the belief you want to eliminate, it can be tricky to find alternate interpretations for certain beliefs and sources.

Third, most problems can be eliminated by eliminating the beliefs and conditionings that cause it. From time to time it is necessary to use additional processes that eliminate negative “senses” (of oneself, life, etc.) that were conditioned early in life or negative expectations, where one is conditioned to expect negative things to occur. You need to be trained to use those processes.

After helping thousands of people eliminate tens of thousands of beliefs, I find that I am able to walk myself through the LBP or the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (to eliminate conditionings) some of the time, but when I discover a new problem and I’m not sure what beliefs or conditionings cause it, I still need a trained Lefkoe Method facilitator to help me.

Question: Is it possible for limiting beliefs to have not originated with your parents? Is it possible for limiting beliefs to have formed in adulthood, say after romantic disappointment? If so, how does one locate the source of the limiting belief?

Answer: Almost all negative self-esteem beliefs are formed through interactions with parents during the first five or six years of life. We form many other beliefs later in life when we encounter new situations.

We form beliefs about school in school, politics as we start reading and hearing about it, and romantic relationships as we start having them.

How do you find the source of beliefs formed later in life? Training and a lot of experience.

Question: I think the biggest belief I have that keeps me from transformation is that I can’t do it – I don’t have what it takes to follow though.

Answer: That’s possible, but this is an example of how it can be tricky to identify all the relevant beliefs that cause a problem.

You might believe I don’t have what it takes to follow through, but what beliefs would you have to have to have formed that one? Probably many, including I’m not good enough, Nothing I do is good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, and I’m not capable.

In other words, there are probably a bunch of beliefs that led you to not follow through, and now you believe you can’t follow through. You have to find and get rid of all those earlier beliefs too.

Question: One of the biggest roadblocks is identifying the core belief that is holding me back. I come up with a lot of peripheral beliefs. What is the best way to determine what is the core belief that needs to be changed?

Answer: As far as we are concerned, there is no “the core belief.” There are almost always many core (self-esteem) beliefs and many other beliefs causing the problem you want to get rid of.

NOTE: We’re offering another tele-seminar answering your questions about beliefs on August 13, from 6:00-7:00 Pacific Time. For information and to submit a question, please click on https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/357775698
Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where it came from.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

Why Does The World Suffer From An Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:55:44 +0000

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Mike had become a wealthy entrepreneur, but he had a hard time enjoying his business success because it seemed that every minute he wasn’t solving a business problem he was worried about what others thought of him and what he could do to get their approval.

Janet probably had as many good ideas as Mike, but because she was plagued with procrastination, she was nowhere near as successful.

Roger always talked about his dream of doing something on his own, but he just didn’t have the confidence to leave his safe (and boring) job.

And finally there was Marlene, who complained of bouts of anxiety that seemed to come over her without warning and paralyze her.

Stories like these from our clients go on forever. We’ve heard tens of thousands of them. It seems as if no one really escapes.

Escapes what? … Having a low sense of self-esteem, a negative sense of oneself, a little voice in one’s head that is constantly critical of oneself.

Common Myths About Self-esteem

Before I explain why so many people have low self-esteem, let me first dispel a few common myths about self-esteem.

First, people who are described as “full of themselves,” or who have “too much self-esteem,” are people with low self-esteem who are trying to convince themselves and others of a worth they don’t experience. Low self-esteem is the result of negative self-esteem beliefs, such as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m not worthy or deserving, and I’m not capable. People with high self-esteem don’t need to convince anyone of their worth; they know they are good enough and important and don’t need anyone’s approval to experience being okay.

Second, low self-esteem is not limited to the “losers” in life. A survey that makes this point crystal clear reported than many CEOs of billion dollar companies had the fear that “someday I’ll be found out and they’ll take it all away from me.” It is possible to be successful by conventional standards (plenty of money, a good job or your own company, selling your artistic endeavors, achieving whatever you set out to achieve) and still have low self-esteem. In such cases the low self-esteem shows up as a critical “little voice” in your head that criticizes much of what you achieve, as a feeling that you don’t deserve your success, or as a fear of rejection, or a need to get others’ approval. All of these things that undercut the enjoyment you get from your success are the result of low self-esteem.

Third, not all people with low self-esteem are unable to function well. How well you are able to function depends not only on self-esteem beliefs, but also on what other beliefs you hold. In a study the Lefkoe Institute did with incarcerated teens and adults a few years ago, we discovered that those subjects had the same negative self-esteem beliefs as the CEOs we saw in our private practice. The difference was that the CEOs believed that what made them good enough or important is being successful (by society’s standards), while the people in jail believed that what made them good enough or important was getting away with things others couldn’t do, or being part of a gang, or not accepting anyone else’s rules.

Why Is Low Self-Esteem So Common?

The question that is probably occurring to most of you right now is: Why do so many people have negative self-esteem beliefs? Why has almost every one of the 13,000 clients we’ve talked to had the belief, I’m not good enough?

As I’ve described in previous blog posts, almost all of our self-esteem beliefs, positive or negative, are formed in the first six years of life as the result of interactions we have with our primary caretakers, almost always our parents.

Any yet most parents love their children and want the best for their children. So what goes wrong?

To begin with, most parents are not aware that children are forming beliefs about themselves based on their interactions with their parents, which usually doesn’t appear to be at all harmful.

But even when parents are aware of this, they can have a hard time stopping their inappropriate behavior because they are rarely aware of the conflict between what they as parents want and what children are able to understand and do at various ages.

Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.

Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.”

Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

If we expect children to “do things right,” we have to explain what “right” is. And we may need to explain something many times to a child under the age of six or seven before they really get it. And, finally, there are some concepts that young children are just incapable of grasping.

The question is not, Do children frequently “disobey” their parents? Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.
And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between.

What Is The Question Young Children Ask All Day Long?

Hint. It’s only one word.

Yes, it’s “Why?”.

Children know that they don’t have the answers (kids are always saying, “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to….). Children think their parents (because they are adults) know everything and have all the answers.

It’s as if the child thinks to herself, “If my parents don’t like what I do a lot of the time and are unhappy with me, they must have a good reason. I guess I’m not good enough to have their approval.” Or, “If I can’t get their attention, I guess I’m not important.” Or, “If I always have to do what they want me to do and rarely get to do what I want, I guess I’m powerless.”

In other words, children form their beliefs about themselves trying to make sense of their parents’ behavior, statements, tone of voice, and facial expressions … every waking minute.

It is important to emphasize here that rarely will just a few parental actions or statements lead children to form beliefs, positive or negative. It is only when something is done or said many times that a child forms a belief. It’s as if children say to themselves, “Why does this keep happening? Oh, now I know what it means.”

Parental Clichés Lead To Low Self-Esteem

Some of the phrases parents commonly use have become clichés in our society:

“How many times do I have to tell you?”
“Don’t you ever listen?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Are you just clumsy/stupid?”

What would it mean to a child aged two to six or seven to hear those phrases uttered repeatedly in anger or frustration?

Thirteen thousand clients have told us:

I’m not good enough. Mistakes are bad. I’m not capable or competent. I’m inadequate.

Do you understand now why so many of us have low self-esteem, which shows up in so many obvious and subtle ways, including worrying about what people think of us, being afraid to take risks, having a little voice in our head that keeps telling us that what we do isn’t good enough, etc.?

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one such belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/The-Lefkoe-Institute/54781675766?ref=ts) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

How To Create New Possibilities In Your Life

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:37:20 +0000

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Some people are convinced we create our own reality by focusing on what we desire with strong emotion. Others are just as convinced that that idea is New Age nonsense. But regardless of which position is valid, it is unquestionably true that we literally create new possibilities in our lives—a brand new reality—by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Let me give you an example. Assume you had the beliefs: I’m not loveable. Relationships don’t work. Men/women can’t be trusted.

With these beliefs, what are the possibilities that you could have a really good, nurturing, long-term romantic relationship? … Slim to nil, right?

Now let’s assume you use the Lefkoe Belief Process to completely eliminate those beliefs. Can you see you have just created the possibility of a good, nurturing, long-term relationship that literally didn’t exist before? There is no guarantee you will ever find such a relationship, but the possibility exists now that didn’t exist before.

This is one of the most powerful consequences of eliminating beliefs: You not only change your behavior and feelings, you actually change the reality you live in.

Let me remind you of something I wrote in an earlier blog post to make this idea completely clear. Let’s assume you held the following beliefs: You have to work hard to make money. I’m not deserving. I’ll never have enough money. /There is never enough money. Money is a struggle. Life is difficult. Your reality with those beliefs does not include the possibility of acquiring wealth easily, if at all. Without those beliefs the possibility comes into existence.

The possibilities that exist in your reality are defined by your beliefs. When you say something is impossible it actually becomes impossible for you. If you believe Life is difficult, you will experience things not going the way you wanted them to go as upsetting obstacles rather than exciting challenges. If you believe I’m not capable or I’m not competent, would you likely try to do something you believe you can’t do? And if you tried, do you think you would succeed with these beliefs?

Beliefs Create An Organization’s Environment

Even the environment in which an organization operates is largely a function of its beliefs. When I do workshops for CEOs I tell them that the biggest barrier their organization faces is not in the world (competition, government, costs, etc.), but in the minds of their employees.

For example, if most of the people in a company believe that something is impossible—such as outsourcing, raising capital, finding qualified new employees, or reaching a certain sales or earnings target—that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, because the employees will operate according to a reality consistent with their beiefs. If something is impossible, there is no sense in trying to do it.

As amazing as that is, another remarkable thing occurs: When fundamental changes in our behavior and feelings occur after eliminating a few beliefs, we usually are not even aware of the change.

If there are no beliefs in the way, all we have to do to make a change in our way of living is to make a commitment to the change, and it usually occurs. Sometimes we don’t know how and have to get some needed information, and then the change happens. But it’s not so easy when there are beliefs in the way.

When we try to act inconsistently with our beliefs—such as trying to create wealth or relationships when we have beliefs that act as barriers, or trying to stop procrastination when we have beliefs that necessitate it—we are aware both of the struggle to change and our inability to produce lasting change.

Our Reality Changes Without Us Even Noticing It

But when the belief(s) is gone, we unconsciously do whatever we choose to do and there is no resistance. We just automatically do it. Because there is no resistance, because we are able to make the change so easily, we frequently are not even aware that the old barriers are gone.

One of the most dramatic examples of that fact was when I once asked a client whom I hadn’t talked to for a few months about her sex life. She replied, “It’s fine, why do you ask?” I read to her from her file the details of her lack of interest in sex that had plagued her for years, which she had related to me just a few months earlier. She was flabbergasted. “I totally forgot that that’s how it used to be. My new feelings and behavior now seem so natural and automatic I just take them for granted.”

When you drive down a highway and come across a barrier in the middle of the road, you are aware of trying to remove the roadblock so you can drive on. After you remove the roadblock and you then drive down that same highway a few times, at some point you drive down the highway and forget that the barrier had ever been there.

It’s so easy to create new possibilities for yourself. What are you waiting for?

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

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Everyone Knows Change is Difficult … Are You Sure?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:06:25 +0000

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“Change is difficult, everyone knows that!” This is the response I frequently get when people ask me what I do and I reply that I can help them make fundamental life changes, easily, quickly and permanently.

Why do so many people believe that they have to put in a lot of time and effort, and need a lot of reinforcement, in order to produce a lasting change in their life? This belief comes from the same place all beliefs come from: the meaning we give our experience.

People hold this belief because they have tried unsuccessfully to change a variety of things in their lives, such as eating junk food, not sticking to an exercise program, getting into relationships they know are bad for them, having negative feelings like anger and anxiety, and procrastination. When I ask clients what they have done to produce change in the past, I get a litany of answers: therapy, books, workshops, hypnosis, EFT, NLP, willpower, support systems, etc.

For people who have spent years trying a variety of techniques to produce a real change in their behavior or feelings, and they haven’t succeeded, it was reasonable for them to conclude: Change is difficult, if not impossible. That’s why so many people hold this belief.

That leads us to the obvious question: Why is change so difficult? Very often we know our current behavior doesn’t make logical sense and is self-defeating. We know what we should do instead. We know the value of change. So why doesn’t all that information and motivation result in change?

People Who Know Reality Through Their Eyes

The answer to this question lies in how we know what we know. The overwhelming majority of people are visual, which means they know the truth about reality because they can see it. “What do you mean you disagree with me, can’t you see that I’m right? Look at the evidence.”

So if you think you see something out there in the world, it must be true.

For those of you who have used the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate a belief, you’ll remember there is a place in the process where the facilitator says: “Imagine being a child and observing the events that led you to form the belief. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see your belief?”

The answer for visual people is always: “Yes, I can see it.” And that is why it is so difficult to get rid of old, limiting beliefs and the behavior they engender: Because we think we saw the belief out there in the world many times.

When mom and dad are critical, we think we can see I’m not good enough in their comments and behavior. When mom and dad aren’t available when we want them, we think we can see I’m not important in their comments and behavior. When mom and dad make all the decisions and what we want is ignored, we think we can see I’m powerless in their comments and behavior.

Later in life we use logic and a bunch of other techniques to try to erase the belief. But our subconscious seems to be arguing: Maybe the belief doesn’t make sense, maybe it is self-defeating, maybe the behavior and emotions coming from the belief are ruining my life… but I saw it in the world, so it must be true.

What makes the Lefkoe Belief Process so effective is that it helps people realize that they actually never did see their belief in the world, that what they think they saw was, in fact, only one arbitrary interpretation of a series of events that has only existed in their minds. For example, not being able to get mom and dad’s attention could mean I’m not important. It also could mean that mom and dad just had poor parenting skills or they felt uncomfortable around kids, and their behavior had nothing to do with my importance.

When we give meaning to events that have no inherent meaning, it seems as if we can see that meaning in the events. Therefore, that meaning (belief) must be true. But, in fact, we don’t discover (see) the meaning in the events, we attribute the meaning to the events.

People Who Know Reality Through Their Feelings

For those people who know the truth through their feelings, earlier in their lives they felt the belief to be true. In other words, whenever mom and dad were critical, they didn’t see I’m not good enough, they felt I’m not good enough.

Why do such people trust their feelings to tell them the truth about reality? Because they think that their feelings are caused by reality, that their feelings tell them something about reality.

For example, if I feel uncomfortable with you and decide not to deal with you any more, why would I act on those feelings? Because I think there is something about you that is causing the feeling, so the feeling must be an accurate reflection of the way you really are.

For such people, using logic or motivation or most other techniques to get rid of beliefs doesn’t work because their subconscious is saying: But I felt (my belief) hundreds of times in the past, so it must be true despite evidence to the contrary right now.

Here the Lefkoe Belief Process helps people to realize that reality didn’t cause them to feel their beliefs; they caused the feeling by giving a particular meaning to the events that appear to cause the feeling. In other words, the fact that mom and dad were disappointed or angry at you didn’t cause you to feel I’m not good enough. You had to first say that those events meant I’m not good enough before you could feel that. If you had said instead that mom and dad’s behavior meant: Mom and dad have unreasonable expectations of me and their frustration or anger has nothing to do with me, their same behavior would have made you feel that meaning, instead of I’m not good enough.

So the next time you are trying to change something in your life (or are trying to help a friend change), remember that change without getting rid of the beliefs that cause the current behavior or feelings is almost impossible. And that change probably is difficult when you are convinced you either saw or felt the belief causing your current behavior or feeling on numerous occasions earlier in life. When you realize you never saw your belief and you caused the feeling, not reality, your belief will just dissolve. And when all the beliefs that cause an undesirable behavior or feeling are eliminated, the behavior and feeling disappears also.

When you know how to produce lasting change, it actually is very quick and easy.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Can Beliefs Keep You From Becoming Wealthy?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:19:40 +0000

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A few months ago I asked people on our mailing list which beliefs they thought were keeping them from becoming wealthy. The top five were:

•    You have to work hard to make money.
•    I’m not deserving.
•    I’ll never have enough money. /There is never enough money.
•    Money is a struggle.
•    Life is difficult.

If you have any doubt about the impact of beliefs on your ability to earn and retain money, ask yourself this question: Imagine someone having these five beliefs. Then ask yourself: Do you think such a person is likely to be wealthy? … Do you think Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or any other really wealthy person has these beliefs?

Here’s another way to demonstrate the power of beliefs to interfere with your ability to make money and accumulate wealth. Think back to the last book you read or the last workshop you took that told you exactly what you needed to do to make huge sums of money. You learned what actions you needed to take, didn’t you? Now answer this question: Did you do what you learned to do … on a consistent basis? For most people the answer is “no.”

Why People Don’t Use the Expensive Courses They Buy

In fact, as amazing as it might seem, people who sell courses that promise to help you make money report that many of the thousand dollar and up courses that are purchased at workshops are never even opened when the buyers get them home. Moreover, the free email support that accompanies many of these courses is rarely used.

The only way to make sense of these astonishing facts is to remember that knowing what to do is useless if you have beliefs in the way of acting on that knowledge.

•    If you believe you have to work hard to make money, it just might not be worth the effort.
•    If you believe you aren’t a deserving person, you would likely sabotage any effort you make to become financially successful.
•    If you believe I’ll never have enough money, then what’s the point of trying?
•    If you believe money is a struggle, your life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
•    And if you believe life is difficult, then you will create a life that is difficult in most respects, including a lack of money.

Anne Lieberman, ranked among the country’s top 100 financial advisors just a few years ago, recently pointed out: “Many people do not have a workable relationship with money. When they don’t, it shows up in one or more of three realms: earning, spending and saving/investing.”

Wealth Can Elude You For Many Reasons

In other words, wealth can elude you because you don’t ask for the money you deserve or do what you know you should do to earn it, because you spend money you don’t have and get into debt unnecessarily, and/or because you don’t save or invest wisely. Limiting beliefs can cause all three of these inappropriate behaviors.

We can guarantee that eliminating the relevant beliefs will change your behavior and feelings. But having wealth involves much more than beliefs, although getting rid of crippling money beliefs is certainly a precondition.

In order to insure financial success, it would be useful to have, in additional to the absence of limiting money beliefs, a positive attitude about earning and having money, an effective strategy for getting it, and then the commitment to fully implement your strategy.

For more information about our program, “Bust Your Money Beliefs,” please go to http://recreateyourlife.com/moneybeliefs/

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Do You Really Want Your Child to Always be Well-Behaved?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:48:51 +0000

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Remember the last time you heard a parent say: “My kids are wonderful. They always obey me.” Or, “They never talk back.” Or, “They are never a problem.” Did you sigh with envy and say, “Oh, I wish my kids were like that”? Think again. What would children have to believe about themselves to always obey, never talk back, or never be a problem?

I started out as a typical parent who sometimes envied those parents with “perfect” children. Then when my first daughter was about three, I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP), a technique that assists people to identify the specific beliefs that are responsible for any dysfunctional behavioral or emotional problem.

Examples of such problems include anxiety, concern with what others think of us, procrastination, lack of confidence, stress, self-criticism, and relationships that don’t work. After the beliefs are identified, the LBP enables people to quickly and permanently eliminate them. When the beliefs disappear, the problems do also.

What We’ve Learned From Our Clients

In working directly with over 13,000 clients we have seen how the beliefs we form in childhood determine how our lives turn out in almost every respect. And, most importantly, how the beliefs that lead to “good behavior” as a child are not necessarily the best beliefs to have later in life.

Most of us would be thrilled if we called our child and told her dinner was ready and we found her sitting at the table seconds later. But what would she have to believe if she was totally immersed in playing when we called and she immediately dropped what she was doing to come to dinner? She would have to consider what we want to be more important than what she wants, which might result from such beliefs as What I want doesn’t matter and I’m not important.

The biggest problem many of us have with our younger children is getting them into the car when we have to leave the house. A child who was always ready to leave would bring joy to any parent’s heart. But, again, what beliefs would a child have to have to always act that way? In addition to the two just named, another belief might be The way to be accepted is to make people happy, to never upset them.

Some Specific Consequences As an Adult

What are the long-term consequences of such beliefs? One of our clients, Joan, always did what her parents wanted when she was a kid. Her parents described her as “the perfect child.” Two of the beliefs that made her compliant as a child were What I want doesn’t matter and I’m not important. As an adult these same beliefs led to passive behavior and a sense of victimization. Larry, another client, had concluded early in life: The way to be accepted is to make people happy, to never upset them. His problem as an adult was an obsession with what others thought of him and a fear of expressing his own opinions.

In session after session we have heard thousands of clients describe the experiences they had with their parents that resulted in the beliefs they were trying to eliminate as an adult: “My mom and dad always did …, they never did …, they always said …, they never said ….”

In my book, Re-create Your Life: Transforming Yourself and Your World, I explain in detail how what parents do and don’t do, say and don’t say, provide their children with the experiences that the children interpret into beliefs. As I began to see how our behavior as parents led to our children forming beliefs that then determined the rest of their lives, I began to question the long-range implications of having children “obey.”

Short Term Benefits versus Long Term Costs

Maybe getting children to behave is good for us as parents, but not necessarily good for our children. It might make our lives easier but what does it do to them? My wife Shelly and I asked ourselves the question: If we succeed in getting our children to do what we want, and, as a result of our interactions with our children, they form negative self-esteem beliefs, such as, I’m not good enough or I’m not worthwhile, or other negative beliefs, such as, What I want doesn’t matter or I’ll never get what I want, is what we achieved short term with our children worth the long-term cost?

I’m not saying that our children’s behavior on a daily basis is not important. Of course it is. There are some things that children need to do for their health and well-being and there are some things children need to do for our well-being. We clearly would be remiss as parents if we took a totally hands-off attitude and allowed our children to do whatever they wanted. So we need to learn parenting skills that enable us to influence our children’s behavior when necessary, without leading to negative conclusions.

A Parenting Tip

For example, instead of calling our children just when we are about to sit down to dinner or two minutes before we are about to leave the house, expecting them to drop whatever they are doing because our schedule requires their presence, we can give our children ample warning. Fifteen minutes before we will need them we can ask them what they are doing, acknowledge that it probably is very important to them, and then ask them if they can complete whatever they’re doing in fifteen minutes because dinner will be ready, we will be leaving the house, etc. If we treat them with dignity and respect what is important to them, the odds are good they will respect our needs, without forming any negative beliefs about themselves.

And that is the crucial point. The single factor that has the greatest impact on whether or not our children achieve happiness and true satisfaction in life is a healthy self-esteem, a positive sense of life, and other positive beliefs.

To make this real, let’s assume that your child has one of the two following sets of beliefs: I’m not good enough; There’s something wrong with me; I’m not deserving; I don’t matter; I’m powerless—or : I am good enough; I’m worthwhile just because I am, not for any reason; I am worthy and deserving; I matter; Life is whatever I make it.

Which Set of Beliefs Would Lead to a Good Life?

Which set of beliefs would most likely lead to anxiety and depression? To substance abuse? To satisfying relationships? To a productive career? To a truly satisfying life?

Given that fact, what do you think that the major role of parents should be? Getting children to behave, or assisting them to create positive decisions about themselves and life?

If you chose the latter, the best way I know to insure that you are getting your job as a parent done is constantly to ask yourself the question: What is my child likely to conclude about himself and life as a result of this interaction we just had? If it is a positive belief, congratulations! You got your job done. If it is a negative one, go back, apologize and clean it up.

After we’ve changed our focus as parents, from getting our children to obey, to assisting them to create a positive attitude about themselves and life, we may no longer consider the ultimate parenting accolade to be: “Your child is so well-behaved.” We may come to prefer: “Your child has such a positive attitude about herself and life.”

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your crippling self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 limiting beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

Revealing the Truth About Prejudice

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:58:30 +0000

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Just as we in 21st Century America look back at cultural practices of years gone by with a combination of repulsion and amazement, future generations probably will look back at the prejudice that runs rampant in the world today with similar reactions.

Rather than wait for future generations to try to figure out what made the widespread prejudice possible in the early days of the 21st century, let me offer one possible explanation while we are living in the middle of it.

Because our beliefs are the primary determinant of what we do and feel, and even what we perceive, all prejudice can be traced to beliefs.

A belief is a statement about reality that we experience as the truth. It is a fact about reality for the person who holds the belief. So when we hold a belief about something, we are convinced that we know the truth about that something.

But, in fact, no belief describes the truth about reality. Without exception, all beliefs are nothing more than arbitrary interpretations of actual events in reality. Physical objects and events certainly occur in the world, but the meaning we give the events exists only in our minds, not in the world.

How prejudicial beliefs are formed … and can be eliminated

Let me tell you about the conversation I had with Chad before the Leeza show went on the air.

He answered: “Blacks are dangerous.” (He used the word “Blacks”; I used the word “African-American.” Moreover, there probably were additional beliefs, but this was one the most relevant.)

I replied: “It’s clear that anyone with your belief would feel the way you do. But you didn’t have that belief when you were a year or so old. What happened that led you to that conclusion?”

I said to Chad: “Your belief about African-Americans—that they are dangerous—is one explanation for what you saw and heard as a child. What else could the same events mean?”

Here’s what he answered:

1.    What my father and others said might have been true of some Blacks, but not all of them.
2.    Some Blacks are … (almost anything) just like some whites are … (almost anything).
3.    The behavior I heard attributed to Blacks is true of some people from every race, not just Blacks.
4.    Because what people say is a function of their beliefs, and do not necessarily reflect the truth, the fact that some parents, families, or friends have negative thoughts about Blacks doesn’t mean that those thoughts are true, only that they believe it. Had they had different childhoods with people telling them different things, they wouldn’t have the beliefs they do and they would be saying just the opposite.

It was immediately clear to Chad that his beliefs about African-Americans were only one arbitrary interpretation of what he had heard about African-Americans as a child, and not the truth.

I then asked him: “Didn’t it seem as if you could see African-Americans are dangerous when your father and friends talked about the crime and the killings in African-American neighborhoods?”

“I did see it,” he replied. “Anyone would have seen it.”

“Okay, if you could see it, tell me what does ‘African-Americans are dangerous’ look like,” I asked.

“Well, it looks people getting robbed or killed in Black neighborhoods.”

After a moment’s reflection he replied, “Now I understand what you mean. I can’t see “Blacks are dangerous’. I now realize I only saw certain people saying things to me. My beliefs about Blacks are interpretations that exist only in my mind. I made them up. They have nothing to do with reality.”

It was after this short interaction with me that Chad announced on national TV that his prejudice was gone.

There is a well-known psychological term that describes people with prejudices, people who have mistakenly confused a thought that exists only in their mind with the truth about reality: they are delusional.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

How do beliefs produce “driven,” compulsive behavior

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:54:57 +0000

Why are so many of us “driven” compulsively to seek or do things that frequently aren’t in our own best self-interest?

You probably aren’t surprised that my answer is: beliefs. But there is a specific type of belief that results in “driven” behavior. And it is formed in a very specific way. Let me explain.

Imagine you are a young child who has created a host of negative beliefs about yourself or about life. (Very few of us escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs. I’ll explain why in a future blog.) At this point you are in school, interacting with lots of other kids and adults. It dawns on you that you are going to grow up and will have to make your own way in life. You are confronted with a real dilemma, albeit an unconscious one: “How will I make it in life if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me or the world?”

Imagine the fear and anxiety you must feel when you experience these two conflicting “facts”: On one hand, you sense that you must make it on your own in life. On the other hand, you have concluded that “There’s something fundamentally wrong with me or life that will make it difficult, if not impossible, to make it on my own.”

Fear and anxiety are unpleasant and painful feelings, so children who have them try to find ways of not feeling them. In tens of thousands of sessions with clients, I’ve discovered that people have two basic ways of dealing with the unpleasant feelings that are caused by negative self-esteem beliefs:

First, they use alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or other substances to cover up the feelings and numb themselves or to make themselves feel good.

Second, they develop strategies that help them deal with the anxiety that stems from their negative beliefs. I call them “survival strategies” because the fear one experiences when one has negative self-esteem beliefs often makes one feel as if his survival is being threatened.

When a survival strategy is formed, the child also forms a belief about that strategy:
“What makes me good enough (or important, or worthwhile, etc.) is ….” A variation of that is: “The way to survive is ….”

Survival strategies are based on a child’s observation of what it takes to feel good about herself, to be important, to be worthwhile, or to be able to deal with life in spite of negative self-esteem beliefs.

For example:

Susan’s parents placed a heavy emphasis on friendships, on what others thought of them, and on impressing people, so Susan concluded that the way to survive was to get everyone to like and approve of her.

Fred formed a similar belief in a different way: When he got praise and acknowledgement from his parents he really felt good about himself, in a way he normally didn’t. So he concluded what made him good enough and important was having people think well of him.

Here’s Lauren’s story: She noticed that people treated her dad with respect and admiration because he had been so successful in business and had so much money, so Lauren concluded that what made her important and good enough was being financially successful.

Art lived in a community where the people who were considered important and given respect were in gangs and carried guns, so he chose that as his survival strategy.

(By the way, one way to know if you have negative self-esteem beliefs is to ask yourself: What makes you good enough [or important, or worthwhile, etc.]? When you answer anything other than: “Nothing,” it becomes clear that you need whatever you answered in order to be okay.)

Once you decide that a positive sense of yourself is “because of” anything, you’ve created a lifelong problem. For example, if you believe the only way to be good enough is to be wealthy and have a big house, your sense of worth is linked to those conditions. If you aren’t wealthy and don’t have a big house, you are forced to face your belief that you’re not good enough, which produces anxiety. Moreover, even if your survival strategy is achieved, there’s the danger of losing it. Total disaster is always just around the corner for you. Life becomes a sea of anxiety, in which you are constantly struggling to meet the conditions you have made for being good enough. Your self-esteem is always in question.

Tom, an executive in a Wall Street firm, earns over $200,000 a year. His core belief is I don’t matter, and his survival strategy belief is: “What makes me worthwhile is being seen as important by others.” As a result, Tom becomes anxious whenever a new person gets hired, or a colleague wins praise, or he isn’t included in a meeting, or his boss doesn’t acknowledge him after he’s completed a project.

Miriam has the survival strategy belief: “What makes me acceptable is being beautiful.” For most of her life, she has lived comfortably with that belief. Her beauty earned her quite a bit of attention, admiration, and even love. But now Miriam is approaching fifty, and she’s frightened. The march of time is threatening to rob her of the one thing that she believes makes her acceptable. She has become increasingly depressed; every time a man fails to look at her admiringly, she has a deep feeling of not being okay.

One consequence of being run by survival strategy beliefs is that instead of living out of choices and pleasure—doing things because you want to do them—you do them primarily to survive (to feel okay about yourself). You experience your survival as dependent on the success of your survival strategy. The need to fulfill the terms of your survival strategy dominates your life.

Someone once said, “You can never get enough of what you never really wanted in the first place.” That’s an excellent description of trying to live using survival strategies to compensate for negative self-esteem beliefs. Once you say you’re not worthwhile just the way you are, no amount of accomplishment or praise will provide the unconditional sense of self-esteem you want and need.

People who have beliefs that are indicative of low self-esteem are not just criminals or drug addicts or unsuccessful people or those who suffer from deep depression. Many people with low self-esteem are visibly successful, living in nice homes with stable families. What distinguishes people is not their self-esteem beliefs, but their survival strategies—the ways they cope with a negative sense of themselves.

Although the dysfunctional behavior that people exhibit is usually a direct result of their survival strategy beliefs, the energy that drives the survival strategies is the underlying negative self-esteem. We don’t want to have to acknowledge the negative self-esteem belief (it’s too scary), so we do whatever it takes to manifest the survival strategy belief. That’s why the underlying self-esteem should be eliminated before the survival strategy belief.

The role of survival strategy beliefs explains why therapies designed only to improve self-esteem rarely produce fundamental and lasting changes in people’s behavior and feelings.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, including two of the most common survival strategy beliefs (“What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me” and “What makes me good enough or important is doing things perfectly”) go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/The-Lefkoe-Institute/54781675766?ref=ts) to get our latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

How To Eliminate Some Of Your Negative Emotions… For Good

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:36:55 +0000

Would you like to get rid of the anxiety or anger you feel much of the time?

Because many emotions are caused by beliefs, getting rid of the beliefs can frequently eradicate negative emotions. For example, the belief that “Dogs are dangerous” will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief “People can’t be trusted” will result in the feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are, however, emotions in adults that appear to be caused by something in addition to beliefs. Getting rid of beliefs is not enough.

Let me explain the source of these negative emotions, such as fear and anger, and what you need to do to stop them from occurring.

During the first few years after I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate limiting beliefs, clients were able to make radical changes in their behavior by eradicating the beliefs that caused the behavior. Frequently, there also were meaningful emotional changes. We started noticing, however, that sometimes a client would continue to have a trace of a specific emotion such as anger or fear, even after eliminating all the beliefs we could find that seemed to be relevant. We usually assumed that there was another belief we hadn’t yet discovered, but eventually would.

Eventually we realized that, although some emotions are the direct result of beliefs, many are responses that appear to be the result of conditioning and unrelated to beliefs. When that is the case, the Lefkoe Belief Process is not sufficient to eliminate the conditioning. (You do, however, have to use the LBP to eliminate any relevant beliefs before de-conditioning can be effective in stopping the negative emotion. If you haven’t yet experienced eliminating a belief with the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com to try it free.)

A few years ago we developed a process we call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStP). It is specifically designed to eliminate the emotions that are caused by conditioned stimuli. It is simpler to use than the LBP and usually takes only five minutes to completely eliminate the stimuli for such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

How Associations Early In Life Cause Negative Emotions Later In Life

Very often we are plagued by repeated negative feelings in our life, such as fear, anger, guilt,anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as anxiety whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or guilt whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear (or some other emotion) in some people and not in others?

Let me explain: The classic example of this situation was an experiment a physiologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the stimulus gets conditioned.

Here is a real life example: Consider one of my clients who experienced fear whenever he was asked to do something. When did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? His father usually got angry and yelled at him whenever he didn’t do what his father demanded of him as a child. When my client reviewed the original cause of the feeling of fear, he discovered that the fear was not inherent in merely being asked to do something.

What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s threatening behavior that usually occurred when he was asked to do something: The person he depended on for his very survival seemed to be withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That perception—that his survival was at stake—is what caused the fear. Being told to do things just happened to occur at the same time as something else that constantly caused fear.

How The Lefkoe Stimulus Process Works

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by assisting the client to make a distinction between the original real cause of the emotion and the events that just happened to be occurring at the time. Once that distinction is made, the conditioning is extinguished. It’s as if you could say to Pavlov’s dogs: “Hey dogs, you can’t eat the bell. It just happened to be ringing whenever you got food.” If the dogs could understand that distinction they would no longer salivate at the sound of the bell. But while dogs can’t make that distinction, humans can. And when they do, de-conditioning occurs. You really can get rid of the anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions that plague us.

If you haven’t yet enjoyed the experience of eliminating at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one crippling belief free.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (The Lefkoe Institute) to get our latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

How to eliminate upsets and suffering from your life, Part 2

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:35:33 +0000

This post assumes you already have eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process and used the “Who am I Really?” Process to experience yourself as the creator of your life. If you haven’t visit www.recreateyourlife.com/free first so you can eliminate a belief and have that experience.

In my last post I suggested one technique for getting rid of upsets and suffering in your life. Here’s another way to achieve that result.

When you say: “I am upset,” who is the “I” that is upset? … Please take a minute and answer the question. …

Remember, you eliminated a belief that you had thought was who you are. You had said at the start of the Lefkoe Belief Process: I’m not good enough (or important or anything else). Then after the belief was gone I asked you: “Are you still here?” And you answered, “Yes, I am still here.”

So if who you think you are disappears and you are still here, you can’t be who you think you are. You can’t be your beliefs (I am …) and the feelings and actions that stem from the beliefs.

“How did mom and dad’s interactions with you get translated into beliefs in your mind?” I asked.

You answered, “I put them there when I gave a meaning to my parents’ meaningless comments and actions.”

“So,” I asked, “do you get that who you really is the creator of your beliefs, not the sum total of your beliefs?”

You replied, “Yes.”

And “consciousness” is the word I suggested you use to describe who you really are.

As soon as you get, not merely as a concept but deep down, that you aren’t your beliefs, feelings or behavior—you are the creator of them all—you will be able to observe your “upset” and not be run by it.

Who you think you are can suffer; who you really are can’t.

As abstract ideas to be thought about and agreed or disagreed with, what I’ve just written has no power to relieve your upsets and suffering. When experienced, it has such power.

If what I’ve written is merely an interesting theory and has no real meaning for you, do the “Who am I Really?” Process at the end of whichever free belief you eliminated. If you purchased the full program, there is a link just for that process on the upper left side of your screen when you log in to the program. (http://www.recreateyourlife.com)

Doing that process will quickly and easily help you shift your identity from a creation to the creator of the creation (consciousness). In that space, there is no upset and no suffering.

After you use the WAIR? process to shift your identity, you will be experiencing yourself as the creator of your life. At that point state out loud and allow yourself to fully experience:

I have beliefs, I am not my beliefs.
I have thoughts, I am not my thoughts.
I have feelings, I am not my feelings.
I do things, I am not my actions.
I am the consciousness that creates and then observes my beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Understood as concepts, these words are useless. Experienced deeply while in the “creator” state, these words will dissolve any upset or suffering you had been feeling.

You may not always be able to affect what happens to you. You can always determine how you feel about what happens to you.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

To eliminate a limiting core belief free, please visit http://recreateyourlife.com/free.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (The Lefkoe Institute) to get our latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

How to live a life without stress

Morty Lefkoe — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 01:42:11 +0000

It is possible to get rid of your stress.

“Yeah, sure,” you might say. “And how exactly am I supposed to get rid of all the stressful things in my life?”

Here’s how I answered that question for myself.

I was filled with anxiety for most of my life. I worried about what people thought of me, I was worried about not having enough money, and I worried about my mother who was having a difficult time after divorcing my father when I was three. If worry causes stress, I was overwhelmed with stress from the time I was a child.

My way of dealing with the “things that were causing stress in my life” could be summed up in the phrase I uttered at least several times a day for the first 20 years of my life: “I can’t wait until I grow up and then I’ll be able to ….” My life was always focused on changing my circumstances some day so that the anxiety would go away and I would be happy.

After many years of therapy, workshops, and self-help books the stress had lessened somewhat, and I was coping with my difficult circumstances better, but I was still trying to change what was happening in my life to gain happiness. I noticed that I was now in my 40s and I still hadn’t managed to change things enough to make me happy and relieve my constant stress.

It was only after I started using a belief-eliminating process I had created that I realized that the stress was not coming from what was happening, but from the meaning I was placing on what was happening. Once I was able to change the meaning, the stress literally disappeared.

For example, before I married my current wife Shelly (to whom I have now been married for 26 glorious years), I had been married twice before. Neither relationship worked very well or lasted very long. Most of my married life with these two women was very stressful. At the time, I blamed my wives and said all I needed to do was to find the right woman, in other words, change my circumstances.

So I tried it for the third time, hopefully with the “right” woman. Unfortunately, right after we got married I noticed the stress was still there.

About that time I started looking for and eliminating the beliefs that were causing the problems in my life. One problem was that I was incredibly needy. I actually believed that I couldn’t survive without a woman in my life who loved me. That belief led me to place so much pressure on my wives that our relationships were constantly stressful. Once I eliminated that belief and a bunch of others (most importantly, what makes me good enough and important is having people like me and think well of me), the neediness stopped. And when the neediness stopped, and when a bunch of negative beliefs about myself were gone and I realized I was loveable and worthy of being loved, my relationship with my current wife transformed.

The same person and the same circumstances, but instead of trying to get my sense of okeyness from my marriage, I brought my sense of okeyness to my marriage. It made all the difference in the world. And the stress was gone.

I’m reminded of a news story I read in the mid-1990s when a lot of middle-level managers were losing their jobs. The article interviewed a number of these out-of-work people. Some of them were very stressed, worrying about making ends meet. Some of them, however, were very happy and seemed to exhibit no stress at all.

People in this latter group experienced being fired as an opportunity to do something they had always wanted to do and had never done because they were “stuck” in their jobs. They either created one-person consulting firms, opened some type of retail store, or went back to school and changed professions entirely.

If losing your job means you will never find another way to make money, you will be stressed. If losing your job means you can now do something even more nurturing and satisfying, you will be excited about the same event.

You see, events don’t have any inherent meaning. Circumstances don’t mean anything until you give them a meaning … and one meaning can be stressful while another might be enlivening. Stress is caused by the meaning we give to events-which in turn is caused by our negative beliefs and feelings about ourselves, people, and the world we live in. The beliefs can easily be eliminated with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) and the feelings with the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).

Imagine that you are about to undertake an important project and have the beliefs: “I don’t think I can do it. I think I will fail and failure is bad” How do you feel? … You’d feel stress-and would blame the project for causing the stress. Now imagine the same project, but this time you have the beliefs: “I’m competent. I know I’ll do a great job. And if I don’t my results don’t mean anything about who I am.” How do you feel now? … Notice that the project is no longer causing stress.

The following is a list of some beliefs that clients complaining of stress have identified and eliminated. Can you see that anyone with beliefs such as these probably would experience stress?

Say each of the following beliefs out loud. If any of them resonate with you, it’s probably a belief you hold. Even though you may have held it since you were a child, and even if you’ve tried a number of ways to get rid of it, you can get rid of it using the right approach. I had many of these myself and eradicated them all.

“If I fail it means I’m stupid.”
“I’m not competent.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Nothing I do is good enough.”
“I’ll never get what I want.”
“Mistakes are bad.”
“If I make a mistake it means I’m bad and stupid.”
“Life is difficult.”
“People can’t be trusted.”
“I’m powerless.”
“I have no control over my life.”
“I don’t measure up.”
“The unknown is scary.”
“If I do something wrong, something terrible will happen.”

Assume that you didn’t have these or any other related beliefs. Imagine, instead, that you believed, “There is no such thing as failure; everything is merely a learning experience.” And, “I’m fine just the way I am; I don’t have to do anything to be okay and accepted by others.” Would you still be likely to experience as much stress as you do now?

Most of the techniques commonly used to deal with stress focus on how to better cope with stress after we experience it. For example, meditation, deep breathing, and visualizations can sometimes alleviate it for the moment. Our work, on the other hand, assists people to totally eliminate their stress (or not even get it in the first place) by getting rid of the beliefs that cause it.

One client, a psychotherapist who lived with constant stress, described how the Lefkoe Belief Process helped her overcome it.

“At my first session with Shelly Lefkoe I told her: ‘I’m overwhelmed. I’m confused. Scattered. I’m not focused. All over the place. I can’t organize. Frightened by competition. It keeps me from being successful. There is an emptiness I have to fill. I feel anxious and stressed all the time.’

“Shelly helped me eliminate a number of beliefs, after which my life changed dramatically. Today I have a grounded sense of confidence. I enjoy life more. I feel better about who I am. I now believe I am worthy of being taken seriously. Unlike what my mother used to say, ‘No one could take you seriously,’ I know I have much to offer people.

“The emptiness is gone. I have an inner joy. I accept what I can do and have confidence that I can do it. It doesn’t matter what others are doing. The other guy is not such a threat anymore. Finally, I have a sense of poise in the world that I lacked before. I used to be seen as this naive, wimpy type. I don’t think that’s what I project any more. I project a stronger image. I’m someone I’m happy to be. The anxiety and stress are gone.”

As I said when I started this post, it is possible to get rid of your stress. I’ve done it and I know a lot of others who have too. Change the meaning you are giving to the events in your life by changing your beliefs, and you, too, will see your stress melt away like ice cream on a hot summer day.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one belief free.

Tags: beliefs, BlogDesk, changing beliefs, eliminate beliefs, eliminating beliefs, fear of public speaking, motivation, personal change, personal growth, power of beliefs, produce change, psychotherapy, solving problems

Tags: stress, worry, worrying