Morty Lefkoe » LBP

Does “reality” really exist?

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:33:52 +0000

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If you asked someone, “Do things exist?” the response would probably be, “Of course things exist! The world is full of things. Everyone knows that there is physical stuff out there—that reality is tangible and real!”

But what allows any thing—a hand, a chair, or any other object—to exist? One way to discover the answer is to imagine a specific thing—say, your hand—expanding and expanding until there is nothing in the universe except the hand. What would happen to it? … Really, just take a moment and try this. You’ll be amazed at your experience … You wouldn’t see the hand anymore, would you? Why? … It would disappear because there would be nothing in the universe that was not the hand. This is a very basic concept about reality: In order for any thing to exist, there must also be not that thing.

Consider this for a moment. Can you see that any physical object is bounded by “not that object”? If an object did not have any borders—that is, if it wasn’t surrounded by “not that object”—it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, it wouldn’t exist.

The same principle applies to nonmaterial concepts. Love and hate, peace and war, strong and weak, beautiful and ugly—these only exist and have unique attributes because they have been distinguished from each other. For example, the state of war is distinguished from peace by the presence of armed conflict. When there is no armed conflict there is peace. But if peace existed throughout the world all the time, and if the alternative (war) was unimaginable, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish peace. Peace, as a condition distinct from war, couldn’t exist.

A Universe Without Distinctions

Now imagine everything in the universe without any distinctions. It’s all just an undifferentiated whole. Can you see that there is nothing? That’s because in order for anything to exist, it must be distinguished from everything else. If no distinction is made between a specific thing and everything else, there is only an undifferentiated everything—which is another way of saying nothing.

Everything, without any distinctions, is the same as nothing. Take a moment and think about that. Until consciousness has made a distinction, nothing can possibly exist.

Therefore, the world really isn’t the way you perceive it. In fact, it isn’t any way until you perceive it that way—that is, until you distinguish it that way. You don’t even sense what’s “out there” because there’s nothing out there to be sensed. (Nothing, as we’ve seen, however, is the potential for everything before anyTHING is distinguished.) In making distinctions, we use our sensory apparatus (the five senses) as well as our perceptual framework (language, culture, and individual beliefs).

An excellent example of this point comes from a Time magazine cover story on human consciousness.

“A baby born with cataracts—an unusual but not unheard-of condition—and left untreated for as little as six months becomes permanently and irrevocably blind. If a sixty-year-old develops cataracts, an operation can restore full sight. The distinctions most of us make unconsciously and at a glance—foreground vs. background, moving vs. stationary, vertical vs. horizontal, and dozens more—are concepts that the brain has learned. It literally has to wire itself, with neurons growing out to touch and communicate with one another in an ever more sophisticated network of connections. And if those connections are not repeatedly stimulated in the first few months of life, when the brain is still in its formative period, they atrophy and die.” (Emphasis added.)

In other words, moving and stationary or vertical and horizontal are not things “out there.” Rather they are “concepts that the brain has learned” (or distinguished) as a result of having a specific sensory apparatus (and brain), without which they couldn’t be distinguished. That means they literally wouldn’t exist.

In other words, if everyone was born with cataracts (which would be normal if everyone had that condition), our reality would not possess moving and stationary, vertical and horizontal, etc.—despite the fact that we are convinced that these are inherent attributes of reality.

Is There AnyTHING Out There?

Here’s another thought exercise that will help make it clear that what we think is “out there” is largely a function of our perceptual apparatus. Imagine that beings from another galaxy arrived on earth. Imagine further that instead of human eyes they had a different “viewing sense, namely, the equivalent of an electron microscope.” When they viewed our world they might not see the solid objects we see; instead they might see atoms: electrons spinning around protons and neutrons. They might notice that almost all of what they were viewing (the atom) was empty space. So if these creatures were the inhabitants of earth, they might not even have a concept of solid matter.

Imagine further that instead of human ears, these visitors from space had a sense that picked up radio waves but did not hear “sounds” made in their presence.

And finally imagine that they had a sensory mechanism like dolphins, who “see” the echo of sound vibrations they send out.

These aliens would experience and describe a totally different universe than the physical universe we would swear exists all around us.

Our role in creating our reality can be seen in another area. Apart from our perceptual apparatus, our most important tool in making distinctions and creating our reality is language.
As Edward Sapir, a noted anthropologist, has said: “We see and hear and otherwise experience very largely as we do because the language habits of our community predispose certain choices of interpretation.

Language Determines How We Perceive Reality

Language is far more than a tool for communication. With language we categorize, distinguish, and create the universe. Ultimately, we perceive the world consistently with our language. For example, when we think in English, we perceive a world made up primarily of objects: people, trees, and houses. These objects do things or have things done to them using verbs. We literally see everything in the world in this fashion. We don’t perceive “things out there” because there really are things out there. That just happens to be our worldview, because in our language there is a subject, which acts upon an object, which exists independently of the subject. In the English language, independent entities (subjects and objects) are primary, rather than processes or relationships. That’s not true in every language.

As Ralph Strauch points out in his book The Reality Illusion: “Some languages are structured around quite different basic word- categories and relationships. They project very different pictures of the basic nature of reality as a result. The language of the Nootka Indians in the Pacific Northwest, for example, has only one principle word-category; it denotes happenings or events. A verbal form like ‘eventing’ might better describe this word-category, except that such a form doesn’t sound right in English, with its emphasis on noun forms. We might think of Nootka as composed entirely of verbs, except that they take no subjects or objects as English verbs do. The Nootka, then, perceive the world as a stream of transient events, rather than as the collection of more or less permanent objects which we see. Even something which we see clearly as a physical object, like a house, the Nootka perceive of as a long-lived temporal event. The literal English translation of the Nootka concept might be something like ‘housing occurs;’ or ‘it houses.’”

We swear things exist because we distinguish them though our particular perceptual apparatus and through our language. Change those and you dramatically change the world that you think is “out there.” There might not even be any more “things.”

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as Ian.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

You are both consciousness AND a “creation”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 23:50:01 +0000

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Based on surveys of my blog readers, most of you are primarily interested in changing your “creation”—in other words, you want to improve your daily life by eliminating behavioral and emotional barriers. For example, you want to stop your anxiety and be able to take actions that you are unable to take now.

Some of you, however, seem to be more interested in growing spiritually—in other words, creating an altered state of consciousness in which you experience yourself as the creator of your life.

In fact, both are crucial to a life of happiness and fulfillment. And, I’m proud to say,The Lefkoe Method enables you to work on both at the same time.

You can’t ignore either state

Unfortunately, some people focus solely on spiritual growth, to the exclusion of improving their flesh and blood “creation.” Such people can be said to be “hiding out in spirituality, in their spiritual practice.

Here’s an example of what I mean. I was talking to a new client the other day who told me that she had been meditating and working hard on her “spiritual practice” for over 10 years, and couldn’t understand why she had seen virtually no change in her concern about what others thought about her, her fear of making mistakes, her procrastination, and the negative self-talk that filled her mind almost all the time. What was she doing wrong, she asked me.

I replied that she had neglected a crucial aspect of who she is. You see, many people have experienced a non-dual state of consciousness through meditation and think that all that is “real” is a formless, eternal, consciousness. For them, physical reality and the people named Morty, Joe, etc. are not “real.” As a result, they try to ignore, to the extent possible, “reality.”

Physical reality is “real”

There are several problems with this point of view.

First, how can you expect an improvement in your “creation,” the person who acts and feels, if you ignore it and pretend it doesn’t “really” exist?

Second, it may well be true that consciousness is the source of physical reality, in other words, that physical reality is a manifestation of consciousness. But that fact does not mean that physical reality is not real.

There is an old metaphor that explains this point clearly for me. It is as if consciousness is an ocean. The ocean creates (manifests) individual, specific waves. So there really are specific waves in different locations that are different from other waves, even though each of them comes from and will shortly return to the entire ocean.

Who you ultimately are

So who you ultimately are is formless, non-dual consciousness and, at the present moment, you also have manifested as a specific creation. Moreover, and this is crucial to remember, that creation has specific beliefs and conditionings. They, in turn, determine your behavior and feelings and—by being the primary source of your occurrings—your beliefs also determine your moment-to-moment responses to events.

I remember reading a book by Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist teacher at Spirit Rock near my home in California, who spent many years meditating and following a spiritual path in Thailand and other Far East countries. He wrote how in meditative states he totally transcended his body and dissolved in white light. He spent hundreds of hours in a state in which there was no distinction between the observer and what was observed. And yet, he reported, when he came back to America to teach he had all the same relationships problems he had had before his years of meditation.

This is not to minimize the importance of a spiritual practice. Recognizing that you are the creator of your life—as people experience in the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process that is part of the Lefkoe Belief Process—provides an invaluable context to living as a creation.

Recognize you are both consciousness and a creation

So what should you do to live your best life possible? Recognize you are both the creator of your life (consciousness) and a creation (the person reading this post). And because you are both, work on both. Continue to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that determine your behavior and feelings, and also learn to stop giving meaning to daily events, which will give you the ability to create your experience of life, moment by moment.

And find some spiritual practice, be it meditation, putting yourself in the “creator state” (an altered state of consciousness you can enter by using the WAIR? Process), or whatever else you choose. In that altered state you are able to get a valuable perspective on your life as a creation that cannot be obtained merely by working on the creation.

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Why you should be concerned about your beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:21:41 +0000

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If you have read any of the writings of the top self-help experts during the past 10 years—such as Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, or Joe Vitale—you’ve learned that permanent change is impossible without eliminating the beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

I agree; beliefs do have that power. But why? What gives our beliefs the power they have to determine our behavior and feelings?

There are two reasons why beliefs have the power they have—one is obvious, the other more subtle.

Our beliefs about reality ARE our reality

First, a belief is a statement about people, reality, or ourselves that feels like the truth to us. Although you might think that you would consciously agree with what you believe, in fact, it is possible to consciously disagree with something you believe.

For example, you can know intellectually that mistakes are good learning experiences and still believe that mistakes are bad. If you have that belief, you would be afraid of trying new things or allowing others to know about your mistakes, even if you consciously think that mistakes are not bad at all.

Because most of us usually act consistently with reality, we act consistently with what we think reality is, not with what reality actually is. In other words, if we believe I’m not good enough, People can’t be trusted, or Life is difficult (none of which are true)—then we will deal with reality as if these statements are the truth. As a result, they will determine what we do and how we feel.

To use one simple example, if you believe I’m not loveable, Relationships don’t work, and Men/women can’t be trusted—if that is your reality—you have virtually no chance of having a nurturing, loving long-term relationship. Get rid of those and other related beliefs and you’ve changed your reality. At which point the possibility of a nurturing, loving long-term relationships becomes possible.

Because we view reality through the filter of our beliefs, which color our perceptions, long-term fundamental change requires eliminating the beliefs that limit us. Yes, it sometimes is possible to use will power to act against our beliefs in the short run, but ultimately we will act consistently with the way we view reality.

Beliefs are the primary source of our “occurrings”

There is a second way in which beliefs determine our lives: by influencing our moment-to-moment reactions.

For about 25 years I thought that beliefs affected our behavior and feelings directly, as explained above. To some extent I still think that is true. But a couple of years ago I realized that our moment-to-moment actions and feelings are determined primarily by the meaning we unconsciously and automatically give reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us—not by what actually happens in reality.

For example, imagine a friend of yours walks in a room that you are in, notices you, and doesn’t talk to you. Most people would think: My friend is angry with me. This would be so real that most people would say to someone with them: Don’t you see that my friend is angry with me?

But all that actually happened is the friend noticed you and didn’t talk to you. That event could occur to you as: He is angry with me. And because you deal with reality based on how it occurs to you—which you are convinced is what actually happened—you would respond to your friend as if he really is angry with you. Even though his anger exists only in your mind, not in reality.

We are constantly giving meaning to events. We do it 20-40 times a day. And we are hardly ever aware of it. So our “occurrings” run our lives. And what is the relationship between our occurrings and our beliefs? Our beliefs are the primary determinant of how reality occurs to us.

The meaning we give events, which have no inherent meaning, is determined largely by our beliefs, although our moods and physical condition also play a role.

Thus our beliefs determine our lives in two ways: directly, because they are what we think reality actually is and, indirectly, by significantly influencing our occurrings, which have the biggest impact on our moment-to-moment reactions.

The bad news and the good news

As a result, the bad news is: long-term fundamental behavioral and emotional change is virtually impossible without eliminating the limiting beliefs that are running your life. The good news is: You can make massive positive changes in your life—such as taking actions you were afraid to take and ridding yourself of such negative feelings as anxiety and anger—by eliminating your limiting beliefs.

It might well be that getting rid of a bunch of limiting beliefs is the best way to reduce the negative and increase the positive in your life in 2012.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

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Can you permanently eliminate a belief in minutes?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 23:29:03 +0000

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About 30% of the people who used the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate a belief told us in a survey that they thought the belief had not been eliminated. We were surprised at that statistic because well over 90% of the people we work with directly eliminate a belief. Why were so many not successful when they used the online process?

After spending a lot of time researching the issue we finally discovered that over 90% of the people who used the on-line process actually did eliminate a belief. The problem was that a large number of people who did eliminate a belief still thought that the LBP hadn’t worked. They had a hard time believing they had done what they just did.

This skepticism has produced a big marketing problem for the Lefkoe Institute since its inception 27 years ago. An awful lot of people just don’t believe it is possible to do what we promise to do.

What makes The Lefkoe Method unique

Our unique distinction is that we can help people quickly and permanently eliminate all the relevant beliefs and conditionings that cause virtually any behavioral or emotional problem in their lives. But most people have the belief: Change is difficult, takes a long time, and requires a lot of reinforcement. So telling people what we offer usually results in people expressing skepticism about our claim. Even when people actually eliminate a belief, they sometimes have a hard time acknowledging that it really has been eliminated.

Four ways to know that a belief really is gone

I’d like to suggest four questions you can ask to determine if any belief-elimination process you are using really works.

1. Does the belief you want to get rid of go away and stay away? You can know a belief is eliminated right after an exercise because the words of the belief no longer feel true; the words feel as if they have no meaning. That’s not the same as having an insight that has you conclude the belief must be gone because it no longer makes sense to hold the belief or because the belief doesn’t feel as true as it did before. In this type of situation it can seem as if the belief is really gone, but it really isn’t.

Another way to check is to say the words of the belief several days later. Do they feel true, uncomfortable? Do they resonate with you? Or do the words still feel meaningless? With no energy or discomfort? If you still feel as if the belief is gone several days later, it probably is.

2. Did you get rid of some undesirable behavior or feeling after eliminating all the relevant beliefs? Ultimately you don’t care about eliminating beliefs. Eliminating beliefs is a means to an end. The true test to know that beliefs are gone is if the problem that the beliefs caused is gone. Because most problems usually are caused by a number of beliefs, you have to eliminate at least 8-10 beliefs to know that any given problem is gone, which then is proof that the beliefs must also be gone. For example, procrastination is caused by 16 beliefs. A good test that the 16 beliefs have been eliminated is to see if your procrastination disappears and doesn’t come back. (Actually it is caused by 13 beliefs and three conditionings, but conditioning is not really relevant in this discussion.)

On the other hand, you cannot determine if any given belief is gone by checking to see if your problem is gone. Hardly ever will getting rid of just one or two beliefs eliminate a problem. Because there isn’t always any noticeable change in your behavior or emotions as a result of eliminating one or two beliefs, the absence of change is not proof that you still have the belief.

3. Did you get a guarantee that the beliefs will not come back AND the problem that the beliefs cause will not come back either.

We have helped over 13,000 clients in private sessions and about 100,000 in on-line and DVD programs eliminate beliefs and problems. We offer a year-long guarantee that the problem will not return and have a refund rate of less than 10%. To see just a few of the reviews of our on-line products, go to http://blog.recreateyourlife.com. To see some video reviews, go to http://bit.ly/3Z10LN.

4. Is there independent research that proves that the beliefs and the problems are truly eliminated and don’t return?

The most objective way to prove that beliefs and the problems they cause are really gone is an independent study with a control group. This is the “gold standard” for proof of the effectiveness of a belief-elimination process.

The University of Arizona conducted a study using The Lefkoe Method that was published in a peer-reviewed journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.

Preliminary Report on Results from
“Speaking Without Fear” Study

Prepared by Victoria Cunningham, Ph.D. & Lee Sechrest, Ph.D.
Department of Psychology, University of Arizona

May 20, 2004

“A recent study was conducted to examine the ability of Morty Lefkoe’s ‘The Lefkoe Method’ to reduce or even eliminate fear of speaking in public in a group of forty volunteers recruited from Toastmasters Clubs and other random sources and who reported fairly severe symptoms related to public speaking. Subjects were randomly assigned to an experimental or a control group… All treatment sessions were conducted by telephone, and, on average, only three one-hour sessions were required to achieve treatment goals.

“The results support our hypothesis that self-reported fear of speaking in public would be virtually eliminated. Before the experiment, both groups rated their last public speaking experience as an average of about 7 on a 10-point scale on which 1 meant ‘not at all fearful,’ and 10 indicated ‘extremely fearful’. Subjects in the experimental group experienced a reduction of about 5 points to an average score of 1.5, whereas the control group remained unchanged. In addition, after receiving the same treatment, scores for the control group were also reduced by about 5 points to yield an average of 1.5. It is important to note that all subjects rated their post-treatment scores in relation to an actual public speaking experience.

“We also asked subjects about other common physical sensations and cognitive difficulties often associated with speaking in public, e.g., increased heart rate, sweating, dry mouth, quivering voice, stuttering and difficulty staying focused. The results were quite consistent with those from the rating scale: prominent symptoms were reduced for everyone who received the treatment, and the difference between the experimental and control groups was large and statistically significant. Responses to additional questions to gauge individuals’ self-confidence as a speaker also provide evidence that ‘The Lefkoe Method’ was effective in virtually eliminating the fear of public speaking.” (Emphasis added.)

For a copy of the entire study from Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, go to http://www.undoityourself.com/research.html.

A follow up was conducted with the subjects six months later. The average level of fear was still below 2.

The LBP has been proven effective in permanently eliminating beliefs with tens of thousands of people. It probably will work with you. If you had any doubts whether or not your belief really was gone when you tried it the first time, please try it again at http://recreateyourlife.com and keep in mind the four tests to determine if a belief really has been eliminated.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Stop being run by your feelings

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:36:34 +0000

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At one point or another, everyone has uttered the words: “I am happy.” And: “I am upset.”

Notice what happens when you say: “I am [something].” You are describing yourself. Any words that follow the statement “I am” is your description of yourself.

Moreover, when we say, “I am [something],” it feels as if we really are that “something.” It feels as if our entire being is happy, or upset, or anxious, or any other emotion we say we are.

But is that really who we are?

Most readers of my weekly blog have eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process (see http://recreateyourlife.com) where they discovered that they are not merely a “creation,” who has beliefs and feelings and who takes action, they also are the creator of that creation.

Although the creation you think you are is comprised of your beliefs and feelings and what you do, the consciousness you really are is whole and complete, for whom anything is possible and nothing is missing.

Thus, it actually is more accurate to say: My creation has feelings, but I am not my feelings. My creation has beliefs, but I am not my beliefs. My creation takes action, but I am not what I do.

This is not merely semantics

When you experience that you are your feelings, you are totally at the effect of them. They seem to pervade your entire being and there seems to be no escape from them.

When you experience that you have feelings, but they are not who you are, you make a clear distinction between “you” and “your feelings.” That enables you to get some perspective on the feelings and to place your SELF outside the feelings, so that you are no longer at their effect.

How do you do that? There is a simple way to experience that you have feelings, but are not your feelings. I’m not talking about an affirmation, where you try to convince yourself of something you don’t really believe. I’m talking about experiencing the truth of the statement.

First, use the Who Am I Really? Process, which comes at the end of the LBP, several times. You can get a link to the WAIR? Process at http://d3n3f57qjh51zc.cloudfront.net/who-am-i-really-new.mp3.

Then, when you start having some negative feelings and you notice that you are at the effect of them, remind yourself what you experienced in the WAIR? Process: “I am the creator of my life, not merely a creation.” And then remind yourself of the experience you will already have had: “I have feelings; I am not my feelings.”

When you do that, notice how the intensity of the feeling diminishes and how the feeling starts to lose its grip on you.

Try it and let me know your experience. I promise it will transform the way you experience your feelings.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How we intend to increase our impact in the world

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:47:54 +0000

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For almost 27 years we have been helping people eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that limit them and keep them from living the lives they desire. We are excited that we have facilitated over 13,000 in one-on-one sessions and almost 100,000 via our on-line programs. That’s a lot of people!

From time to time our clients turned out to be CEOs of business firms. When they discovered how effective The Lefkoe Method was in quickly and permanently eliminating problems, several of them asked if we could help their managers and executives become more productive and more effective. In every case where we worked with such people, we helped them to become more successful employees and happier in their personal lives.

Until today, however, we had never contacted organizations directly to tell them how we could help them have happier and more effective managers and executives (thereby becoming more profitable) by sending their managers and executives to work with us.

We know that when we help an individual, he or she benefits along with all the people that those individuals interact with. But when we help a manager or executive in an organization have better interpersonal skills, delegate more effectively, be more creative, communicate better, reduce stress, etc.—our work with such people is impacting hundreds or even tens of thousands of people.

Lefkoe Institute has created a new service

With this in mind we have created a service specifically designed to help managers and executives overcome both undesirable business behavior and personal issues that affect them at work. A detailed description of what we are offering can be found at http://lefkoe.com.

Why am I sending this information to you?

Because you—like the tens of thousands of others who receive this blog—probably have eliminated at least one belief and know how powerfully people are impacted when they eliminate beliefs. And if you know that, I want to ask a favor of you.

I have a favor to ask of you

I would appreciate it if you would share your personal experience (not necessarily specific details, but the general result) of using The Lefkoe Method with the appropriate people at your own organization, including your HR department. Then suggest that they visit our new site that describes exactly how we can help managers and executives become more effective. http://lefkoe.com.

If you know managers and executives or people in the HR department at other organizations, please send them the link also.

I promise to keep you informed about the impact the Lefkoe Institute is having on businesses, non-profit organizations, and government agencies. I expect that helping individuals from these places will enable them to make a profound difference with everyone they interact with, including co-workers and customers.

In any case, please take a look our new website that describes how we intend to increase our impact on the world, even if you have no one to send it to. I think you’ll find it interesting. http://lefkoe.com.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. We appreciate any suggestions on how we can make an even bigger difference in the world. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How beliefs have caused a crisis in education

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:47:28 +0000

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Few institutions in our society are subject to as much passion, dissent, and, ultimately, paralysis as education. What is the source of the crisis in education and why does it seem to be so difficult to resolve?

As readers of this blog you won’t be surprised that my answer to both these questions is beliefs. Whenever you discover dysfunctional behavior—in individuals, organizations, or institutions—you will find beliefs at the source.

To understand the role of beliefs in creating the current crisis in education, let’s look at one widely accepted belief about what education should do: The primary purpose of education is to impart a prescribed amount of information about specific subjects.

As a result of that belief, we have federal, state and local programs designed to insure that students achieve a minimum level of proficiency (in other words, a minimum amount of information acquired) according to standardized tests. We rank our country compared to other countries based on scores on standardized tests that measure this.

What happened that initially led most people to accept the belief that a good education can be measured by the amount of information acquired? To answer, we must go back in time.

Compulsory education

When compulsory education was initiated in America over a century ago, its purpose was to prepare people to work in factories. Workers needed to read and write and be able to follow instructions. What a person knew about the world remained true during a lifetime of forty-some years. The amount of new knowledge produced during adult life was minimal. It wasn’t particularly important that one learn how to think independently or creatively.

Given such an environment, it made sense to conclude that there was a certain amount of information needed to succeed in life and that the function of school was to provide that information. The belief about the importance of learning a certain amount of information while in school was not wrong when it was formed. It made perfect sense and was totally appropriate, given the circumstances. It was the logical outcome of looking at the world as it existed when the belief was formed.

In today’s world, however, “facts” are in a constant state of change.

The amount of new knowledge produced every few years is greater than all the accumulated knowledge to date. The ability to succeed in the business world today (forget succeed—the ability even to get hired!) depends not so much on the quantity of information you know and how well you can follow orders but on your ability to think and act on your own. As Alvin Toffler put it, “The illiterate of the future are not those that cannot read or write, but those that cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.”

Today, people are not only changing jobs several times during their work lives; many of them are changing careers several times. Moreover, it has become increasingly clear that a satisfying life consists of more than business success. It requires a good sense of yourself, the ability to relate well to others, a positive sense of oneself, and lots more.

We need a new set of beliefs about education

The proposal for national standards to measure how much information has been learned in school is consistent with the existing beliefs about what education should be, but those beliefs are no longer appropriate. We need schools that operate consistently with a new sets of beliefs that are appropriate for today, one that opens the possibility for new educational strategies. There are some schools providing what is needed, but by definition they are “alternative” schools, operating outside the prevailing set of beliefs.

Let’s consider the difference between the “current” set of beliefs and a possible new one that is more appropriate for our time.

Compare the strategies resulting from different beliefs

Notice that the beliefs constituting the existing paradigm generate questions and strategies about how to achieve norms, obedience, and correct answers. The new beliefs lead to questions and strategies about how to motivate for lifelong learning, how to strengthen self-discipline, how to awaken curiosity, and how to encourage creative risk-taking in people of all ages.

Ron Miller, author of What Are Schools For?, describes the essence of this new paradigm:

Holistic educators recognize that all aspects of life are interconnected. They contend that education must be concerned with the physical, emotional, social, aesthetic/creative, and spiritual qualities of every person, as well as traditionally emphasized intellectual and vocational skills…. In our culture, education is implicitly equated with the transmission of information, particularly through written sources. But holistic educators have, for two centuries, asserted that education is an active engagement between a person and a vastly complex world. Holistic education emphasizes experience, not “Great Books” or a few “basic skills.” … Why limit students to a curriculum of academic subjects when the entire cosmos is at hand? Education, as John Dewey so eloquently argued, must not be seen as “preparation” for life—it is life! Education is growth, discovery, and a widening of horizons. This is just the opposite of traditional educational goals—discipline, order, high test scores—that aim to prepare children for the limited world which the adult generation has created.

If this description of an alternative model for education makes sense given today’s world, what educational strategies might we use to improve the educational system? We might focus on learning how to ask the right questions and how to think, rather than on dry facts that are not seen as relevant to one’s life. We might give students more responsibility for their own learning. We might use more learning experiences outside the classroom. We might relate the information that is taught to each student’s daily life. We might blend information from different areas together into core curricula so that students learn math when they study art and grammar when they study drama.

Strategies already exist that could solve most of today’s educational problems. What’s missing are the beliefs that would allow us to accept those strategies.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read them all and answer as many as I can.

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The Best of MortyLefkoe.com

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 00:01:45 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Every month hundreds of new people sign up to receive this weekly blog. Most of them do not realize that there are now 132 posts describing the different processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method and explaining how to free yourself from your self-imposed limitations and create the life you want to live.

Even people who have been on this mailing list for over a year might not be aware of the useful material that was written before they found my blog.

So today I am going to provide you with a short description and a link to some of my favorite posts over the past few years. In addition to the ones listed below, please check out the Table of Contents on http://mortylefkoe.com for additional posts that you might find useful.

“Would You Like To Stop Worrying About What Others Think?” One of the most common problems people have is an almost-obsessive concern with the opinion of others, which often includes doing things you would not normally do just to get others to like or approve of you. In this post I explain what beliefs cause this problem. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/stop-worrying/#
“How Do Beliefs Produce ‘Driven,’ Compulsive Behavior?” Why are so many of us “driven” compulsively to do things that frequently aren’t in our own best self-interest? You probably aren’t surprised that my answer is: beliefs. But there is a specific type of belief that results in “driven” behavior. And it is formed in a very specific way. I explain in this post. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-driven-compulsive-behavior/#
“Can Beliefs Keep You From Becoming Wealthy?” Getting rid of beliefs will not guarantee that you become wealthy, but having certain beliefs about money can create a significant roadblock to financial abundance. Discover some of the most common limiting abundance beliefs. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/can-beliefs-keep-you-from-becoming-wealthy/#
“Get Into An Altered State Of Consciousness In Minutes” To experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being) typically requires years of meditation. Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. My “Who Am I Really?” Process assists people to make that shift in less than 30 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-into-an-altered-state-of-consciousness-in-minutes/#
“Why Self-Help Often Doesn’t Work … And What Does” Knowing what to do, how to do it and why you should do it should be enough to change behavior. But it often isn’t. Why? See this post. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/111009/#
“How Relationships Are Affected By Beliefs” Because there are so many different types of relationship problems, there are many different beliefs that are the source of each of them. Here is a list. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/120109/#
“Getting Rid Of Beliefs Is Not Enough” Many problems—especially those involving emotions, such as anxiety and anger—are caused both by beliefs and conditioning. Here’s a description of how stimuli get conditioned to produce negative feelings. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/032310/#
“How To Build Confidence” What causes a lack of confidence and what can you do to increase your level of confidence? I answer these questions in detail in this post. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/040610/#
“What Do You Want A Lot Of That Will Hurt You When You Get It?” The answer might surprise you. Take a look. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/what-do-you-want-a-lot-of-that-will-hurt-you-when-you-get-it/#
“How To Control Anger” In this post I explain the source of both our anger and the fear of other’s anger. In most cases there are only a few beliefs and conditionings. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/041310/#
“Are You A Victim?” Most people have some attributes of a victim. What are they and where do they come from? Why is victimization so common? http://www.mortylefkoe.com/victim/#
“How To Create New Possibilities In Your Life” This is not about manifesting our thoughts and feelings with the Law of Attraction. This post describes how you always literally create possibilities for your life that didn’t exist before when you eliminate limiting beliefs. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-to-create-new-possibilities-in-your-life/#

Please leave your comments and questions here about any of my earlier posts. I read them all and answer as many as I can.

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How to build your self-confidence

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:51:28 +0000

NOTE: One of the most frequent questions I get is about what causes a low level of self-confidence and what can be done to improve it. To answer those questions I’ve posted an updated version of a post from early last year on this topic.

Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why?

What is confidence anyway?
Where does it come from? Why do some people have more of it than others?
How can we improve our level of confidence?
How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence?

As someone who has helped literally thousands of people build more confidence, I think I am qualified to answer these questions. (By the way, I had very little self-confidence for most of my life but now I consistently experience a high level of confidence.)

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a sense of victimization to a sense that we can handle whatever life throws at us. Some people are almost totally lacking in confidence and some feel confident that they can handle almost anything; most people are in-between. So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can raise their level of confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though one has high level of self-confidence. Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

Confidence is ultimately a function of the self-esteem beliefs we hold. For example, someone who believes I’m not good enough, I’m not capable, I’m powerless, I’m not worthy or deserving, etc. will likely have a low level of self-confidence. On the other hand, someone with the beliefs I am good enough, I am capable, I impact my reality, I’m worthy and deserving, etc. will likely have a high level of self-confidence.

In other words, your confidence in yourself as a person is the result of having positive beliefs about yourself.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot. The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs. Every negative self-esteem-type belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence; every one we eliminate raises our internal level of self-confidence.

Once you understand that negative self-esteem beliefs lower your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will realize that the commonly-held notion that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life is a serious misunderstanding.

Even if you usually succeed at tasks as a kid, but your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs, which will lower your self-confidence. On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time. If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence. In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs—the meaning you give your results—not your actual results.

And if you create a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs early in life, failures later on probably will be experienced as learning experiences or temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidenc

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough and we will fail.)

Low self-confidence also can result in self-defeating behavior. It can keep you from ever getting started. Or it can have you quit at the first sign of a problem. Or it can lead you to sabotage yourself when you get close to success because you feel you don’t really deserve to get what you want. Or if somehow you manage to get some of what you want, a low level of self-confidence will keep you from truly enjoying your success. The best illustration of this latter point is a study of large company CEOs done many years ago in which most of them admitted they were terrified that they would be “found out” and that everything they had achieved would be taken away from them. This fear is so common that it has been given a name: “The Imposter Syndrome.

How building confidence improves your life

Some of the benefits of increased self-confidence include: You’ll take more chances. You’ll stop procrastinating. You’ll do whatever you need to do to move your vision forward. You’ll finally start things you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to doing. It will make social activity easier. Talking to people and meeting new people will become easier and effortless. Failure and mistakes will no longer be dreaded. And you’ll do what you want without worrying about what others will think

Do you still have any questions about confidence? Is the difference clear between a lack of self-confidence and the inability to perform a specific task? Please leave your comments and questions below

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Eliminate The Fear That Stops You

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:58:12 +0000

Have you ever told yourself that you were going to do something—something you really wanted to do—and then just never get around to it? If you are, you are like millions of others and Seth Godin’s new book is about you.

I read his newest book, Poke the Box, a few months ago and it’s just the right book for our times. It probably will become his 13^th best-seller.

You need to take action

If you’ve read any of his earlier books or his daily blog (which I devour as soon as it arrives in my inbox), you know that Seth is passionate about innovation and change. And, he stresses repeatedly, if you want to produce something new and change anything, you have to start and you have to “ship,” in other words, create a product or service and then make it available.

In other words, get an idea for something new that people will find valuable and willing to pay for and then stay with it until it’s ready to ship. But everyone knows that. Do we need another book that repeats that obvious truth?

He is talking about business, but the point he is making applies to all of us, all the time, outside of business. Life is about making things happen, not just thinking about what we would like to make happen.

The reason we need Seth’s book is that, despite the fact that the need to start and ship (the need to move forward in life) is obvious, most people don’t do it.

Seth correctly says that the major reason is fear of failure. We are afraid to make mistakes and to fail. And anytime you are trying something new, something that hasn’t been proven to work before, there is always the possibility of a mistake or failure.

Why do we all fear failure?

Seth spends most of his latest book encouraging people to overcome this fear and giving them tips on how to do it.

I totally agree with Seth that what is needed most in this world is innovation that is turned into products and services and then shipped. I also agree that fear of mistakes and failure is the biggest barrier to people doing this.

But I have a slight disagreement about why so many people are afraid. Yes, we do have a reptilian brain where the only thing that counts is our survival. That’s why anything we perceive as threatening our survival will produce the emotion of fear.

But what determines what we perceive to be a threat to our survival? If you are a regularly reader of my posts, you won’t be surprised when I say the answer is beliefs. In this case, two specific beliefs.

What makes people fear mistakes and failure are two beliefs that most people seem to have: Mistakes and failure are bad and If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. If you think it is bad to make a mistake or fail and that you will be rejected if you do either of these two things, you will experience fear and, in far too many cases, the fear will inhibit action.

The source of the “fear of failure” beliefs

Why are these two beliefs so common? Well, let’s take a look at how they were formed. Most parents never take parenting classes on learning how to be an effective parent and most parents bring their own “baggage” with them to the job of parenting. Moreover, most parents have unreasonable expectations for their children. For example, most parents expect toddlers to come when called, sit still, not make too much noise, and do what they are told to do. All of these things are virtually impossible for a toddler.

How do parents respond when their expectations are not met? In the best of cases with mild annoyance and frustration—in the worst of cases with physical abuse. The reaction of most parents is in-between these two extremes. Most parents get angry and repeat the phrases that have become clichés in our society: “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Don’t you ever listen?” “Why can’t you do what I tell you?” “What’s wrong with you?” Many of our clients tell us about their parents’ “look.”

What meaning does a four-to-six-year-old give to his parents’ response? I’m not doing what my parents want. I don’t seem to be able to give them what they want. I’m making mistakes and failing. And because mom and dad are angry, that must be bad. And because it feels like my parents don’t love me when they are angry at me and it feels like they are withdrawing from me, it feels like I’m being rejected.

Yes, most schools also create an environment in which these two beliefs are likely to be formed. Unfortunately most kids have already created these beliefs at home before the age of six, before they ever got to school.

How do I know this? Because my associates and I have helped over 13,000 clients eliminate the beliefs that cause most of the problems in their lives and most of these clients have had these two beliefs about mistakes and failure. And the type of parenting behavior I described above is the source of the beliefs for almost all of them.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news.

Beliefs like these can be quickly and permanently eliminated. And what I’ve discovered from my work with clients is that as soon as these two beliefs are eliminated (sometimes a few other core beliefs are required), the fear of failure literally disappears. Forever.

So maybe the best way to create a world in which most people are willing to “poke the box”—to create a new idea, then start work on it and then ship it—is to help millions of people get rid of the beliefs that are preventing such behavior.

Steps of a process to eliminate the beliefs

Here are the steps of a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process^® that will enable most people to eliminate these two beliefs about mistakes and failure (and most other beliefs) permanently. (Literally tens of thousands of people have gotten rid of these beliefs using this process.) Just ask someone these questions and allow them to answer. I’ll provide the answers that most people with the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, have given.

Step 1: What is the belief?

Mistakes and failure are bad.

Step 2: What is the source of the belief? What happened (usually before the age of six if it’s a self-esteem belief) that led to this belief being formed?

Mom and dad were critical of me when I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted, or the way they wanted. They said things like: “Can’t you do anything right?” “When are you going to learn?” Sometimes they’d just look and sound disappointed and sometimes they got angry and yelled.

Step 3: Can you see that, although the meaning you gave the events (your belief) is one logically valid interpretation, there are three of four others? Name a few other possible meanings for my behavior and mom and dad’s reaction to it.

Mom and dad’s annoyance at me when I didn’t live up to their expectations could have several meanings: Mom and dad thought mistakes and failure were bad, but they were wrong. Mistakes and failure were bad in my house; they might not have been bad in other households. Mom and dad didn’t understand that mistakes and failure can be great learning experiences and aren’t bad at all. Mom and dad got annoyed at me, not because mistakes and failure are bad, but because they had unreasonable expectations of me as a young child.

Step 4: After helping find several other interpretations, ask: Can you see that your interpretation (your belief) is not the truth, it is only a truth, one possible interpretation of several that explain the events? The answer usually will be, yes.

Yes. It is only a truth.

Step 5: Imagine being present during the earlier events where your belief was formed. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see [the words of the belief]? The answer usually will be, yes.

I did see it.

Step 6. Can you really “see” [the words of the belief]? If you can really “see” it, tell me what it looks like, the shape, color, and location?

I can’t see it. The belief was only in my mind, not in the world.

Step 7. Can you get that, although there certainly were consequences of mom and dad’s comments and behavior, it had no meaning? In other words, you don’t know anything for sure about mistakes and failure merely from how your parents responded to your behavior as a child, do you?

No, I don’t. The childhood events have no inherent meaning. Only the meaning I gave them.

Step 8. Say the words of the belief. … Does this statement still feel like the truth? The answer usually will be, no.

The belief is gone.

As always, don’t take my word for what I claim. I urge you to try the exercises I present in my posts so you can discover for yourself that they work and result in profound changes in people. To see the steps of this process in action and to eliminate the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, yourself, please go to: http://recreateyourlife.com/free/mistakes.php.

Try this and then let me know what results you produced. Tell me if your fear of taking action disappears.

What do you think about how our fear of failure beliefs stops us from acting? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

(This post is an edited version of a post I wrote for Amex Open Forum on March 18, 2011.)

Get Into An Altered State of Consciousness in Minutes

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 22:49:33 +0000

It usually requires years of meditation (or an uncontrollable “bolt from the blue”) to experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being). Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) assists people to make that shift in less than 20 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter.

For the first 10 years or so after I created the LBP in 1985, the only thing I was aware the Process did was eliminate beliefs. And that was more than enough for me! I eliminated scores of my own beliefs and made many fundamental changes in my life. I also helped friends and referrals from friends eliminate beliefs and entire problems, and found a way to apply a variation of the Process in organizations to change employees’ behavior by changing their beliefs about their jobs.

Then one weekend I took a course in meditation that was presented by an associate of psychologist Lawrence LeShan. By Sunday afternoon I realized that the LBP seemed to be getting people into a “spiritual” state similar to that of deep meditation.

Over the next few months I tried to determine if there really was a “state shift” after a belief was eliminated. At some point I started asking clients several questions to see if they noticed feeling different and, if so, what was the difference.

Three of the questions included:

Is there anything missing?
What’s possible?
What limitations do you have?

How is The Shift in Identity Experienced?

I discovered that most of my clients said they experienced that nothing was missing, anything was possible, and they had no limitations. When I asked them to describe this experience in their own words, I heard: powerful, serene, calm, peaceful, whole, complete, satisfied, empowered, nothing missing, no limitations and unlimited possibilities.

Asking them the same questions before doing the LBP got totally different responses. Clients described various things they thought were missing from their lives; many said that a lot was possible to them, but certainly not anything; all described various limitations they experienced at the moment.

At some point I figured out what part of the process seemed to be most responsible for the shift. After a belief had been eliminated, I asked the client: “Is it real you created your beliefs.” The answer was usually, yes. Then I asked: “Is it real now that your life has been consistent with your beliefs?” The answer again was usually, yes. Finally I asked: “If you create the beliefs that create your life, what does that make you?” The answer usually was: The creator of my life (or words to that effect).

I realized at one point that the clients who experienced anything was possible and no limitations had already made a shift in identity. Whenever people described limitations, I realized that the shift had not occurred.

To insure that every client experienced that shift in identity from merely a physical being to also a spiritual being, I added some material after the belief had been eliminated. This material got clients to explicitly distinguish/create themselves as the creator of their lives so that they knew it, not as something to be understood or even experienced, but as something they experienced almost as natural knowing. After I did that, almost everybody made the shift.

For many years I used the term “creator space” to describe the spiritual state the client got into and called this new material, the “creator space process.” Because I wanted the name of the process to more accurately describe what the process is all about, at some point I renamed the process “Who am I Really?” (WAIR?). You experience the answer to that question when you complete this short process.

The Lefkoe Belief Process Combines the Best of Psychotherapy and Spiritual Practices

At some point I realized that the LBP was unique in that it combined the best of psychotherapy and spiritual practices.

Most psychotherapists try to help clients deal with reality more effectively. In other words, most clients in therapy have a hard time dealing with some aspect of reality, and experience depression, anxiety, anger, procrastination, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, relationship problems, etc. So the various forms of psychotherapy use different techniques to eliminate these problems so that clients are able to deal with reality more effectively and have happier lives.

Most spiritual practices, on the other hand, attempt to help people experience themselves as a spiritual being and realize that they are not merely physical bodies living in a material world. The goal is to deeply experience that “We are spiritual beings having a physical human experience.”

So there are “two of us”: a “creation,” the human physical being, which is experienced as one’s body, thoughts, behavior, and feelings. This physical being is born, lives a while, and dies. There is also a “creator”—the consciousness, energy, spiritual being—that is timeless, always was and always will be. While most disciplines deal with one or the other, the LBP deals with both.

First, the LBP enables people to eliminate the beliefs that cause their thoughts, behavior and feelings. As a result they are better able to deal with reality and they experience new possibilities as a result of not being limited in life by crippling beliefs. Their “creation” changes and people experience the difference in their internal thoughts and feelings and they observe a difference in their behavior.

Second, the LBP enables people to distinguish and then experience themselves (not merely know intellectually) on a deep, profound level that they are not merely a creation, that who they really are is the creator of the creation. It is a profoundly spiritual experience.

To have that experience yourself, eliminate one belief free at http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free. The process there includes the WAIR? material at the end.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

You Can Get Rid Of Your Depression

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 23:12:29 +0000

It is possible to permanently eliminate your depression.

The purpose of this post is to assure those of you who are feeling depressed (or who know anyone who is depressed) that it is possible to get rid of it totally. I was depressed for about 30 years, so much so that I thought of suicide frequently. I haven’t felt anywhere near depressed for over 15 years. If I can do it, you can too.

Depression is ultimately the result of feeling hopeless and helpless. It is experienced as an overwhelming sense of despair. Unfortunately, this mental disorder is very prevalent, with estimates that almost one in six Americans will experience depression in their lifetime. Moreover, many people whose symptoms are not serious enough to be classified as chronically depressed still experience bouts of despair that they are unable to shake for days on end.

There are some people who claim that depression is chemical and that the brain of depressed people is actually different than the brain of normal people. A study conducted a few years ago did show that MRIs of depressed people were different from the MRIs of “normal” people. The study went on to describe, however, how after a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy the brains looked the same. In other words, it is more likely that the mental state caused the changed brain state than an abnormal brain state produced depression.

Luckily, depression, like most mental problems, is the result of beliefs and conditionings, all of which can be eliminated by the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).

The following is a list of some beliefs that clients with depression have identified and eliminated. Can you see that almost anyone with most of these beliefs would have to feel depressed, at least to some extent?

If someone didn’t have any of these beliefs and, instead, held their opposite—such as “I control my life, not other people or circumstances” “My life is whatever I make it,” “I am good enough, important, and deserving”—could they possibly feel depressed?

Say each of the following beliefs out loud. If any of them resonate with you, it’s a belief you hold. Even though you may have held it since you were a child, and even if you’ve tried a number of ways to get rid of it, LBP can assist you to eliminate it.

Typical beliefs that underlie depression

I’m powerless.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not deserving.
I’m inadequate.
I’m not important.
I’m worthless.
I’m not lovable.
Who I am is not okay.
I have no value.
There’s something wrong with me.
Happiness doesn’t last.
It’s not safe to be myself.
Life is hard, painful, a struggle, and stressful.
Being responsible is a burden.
I have to be perfect or people won’t accept me.
I can’t have what I want.
I don’t matter.

Ruth eliminated her life-long depression

Ruth Bonomo of Westport, CT, who used the LBP to eliminate many beliefs like these, described how she totally ended her life-long depression:

“I used to walk around enclosed in a veil of depression, fear, and self-loathing. I was always at the edge of the pit, ready to jump in and relinquish responsibility for my life and how it was turning out. I was on the verge of abandoning my family when my son became ill. After he spent several days in the hospital I realized I better get myself together; this kid needed and deserved me and I needed to be a responsible parent.

“I found Shelly Lefkoe and the Lefkoe Belief Process. Immediately I began to shed emotional pounds. It was as if I had been running around on an exercise wheel in a hamster cage my whole life, and now I was free.

“Now I experience my emotions very differently. I’m not at the effect of them; I just have them. I get to feel all my emotions without having to worry about the pit. The most remarkable thing I’ve gained from eliminating beliefs with the Lefkoe Belief Process is self-love and acceptance. Now that I love myself, I am much less judgmental of others. I no longer worry about who I am and what people think of me. Everything is easier to deal with. The problems of life are still there, but I experience them without the drama and feeling that the world is coming to an end.”

When people are feeling depressed it feels like there is no way out and never will be. It feels like there is not much point in doing anything because nothing will make any difference. There isn’t even motivation to try to get better because it feels like nothing will help, like you will be stuck like this forever.

Psychotherapists have used The Lefkoe Method successfully

Margaret Carter, M.A., Family Therapist, said the following about using The Lefkoe Method to treat depression:

“I have used The Lefkoe Method numerous times in my practice for depression. In one such case the client had life-long depression and had made several prior attempts at counseling, to no avail.

“The client’s behaviors were self-destructive and self-limiting, and self-esteem was very low.

“After using The Lefkoe Method the client reported increased self-esteem, peace of mind, relief—for the first time in life—from depression, and expanded maturation and hope.

“The Lefkoe Method can be life transforming. It also meets our great need for an effective, brief therapy.”

Please forward this post to anyone you know who suffers from depression. Let them know that they don’t need to suffer any longer.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about having and getting rid of depression. Please write your comments below.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

How To Be More Effective At Work: TLM Part 4

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 18:41:27 +0000

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In addition to the seven processes that can help free individuals from their limitations (which I’ve described in the last three blog posts), The Lefkoe Method has two additional processes that were designed specifically for use in organizations.

If you use them in your own firm, you will be more successful. If you use them at a company where you work, you will become a more effective and valuable employee.

The Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities

The first process, the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities, was created when I discovered during my years as a management consultant that employees on every level in every organization were sabotaging themselves and their organizations with many beliefs that started with the words: We (I) can’t ….

Almost everyone in every organization—whether it be non-profit, for profit, or governmental—has a number of beliefs about what can’t be done and what must be done. Based on my experience I contend that these beliefs are an organization’s biggest barrier to innovation. In fact, they are probably the single biggest problem organizations face.

“We can’t out-source that job.”
“We can’t find the type of employees we need.”
“I can’t get the support I need.”
“We can’t possibly finish the project as quickly as the customer wants.”
“We can’t afford to do that.”
“That suggestion is crazy. It can’t possibly work.”

Sound familiar? If you work in an organization it is unlikely you get through an entire day without hearing, We (I) can’t …, at least once. And if the right someone (or lots of someones) believes something “can’t be done,” then the chances are slim to nil that it will get done.

Either this type of belief will stop a new initiative cold, or, if the organization manages to get it off the ground, the people with the belief will have a hard time supporting it, which will lead to the belief becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

When I first discovered the widespread prevalence of this type of belief, I realized that the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) could easily eliminate it. The problem was that it was impractical to train everyone in an organization to use the LBP. It would take much too much time. So I had to revise the Process so that anyone could learn to do it very quickly.

At some point I realized that if you were eliminating a belief whose source was not childhood and that was always the same—namely, something hadn’t worked before—I could create an easy-to-learn-and-use variation of the LBP that only eliminated We (I) can’t … beliefs.

I call this process the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities because when you eliminate a We (I) can’t … belief you create possibilities that literally didn’t exist before. The LBP-P can eliminate a belief in less than five minute and can be taught to groups of people in only an hour or so.

For more details about the LBP-P, including the actual steps of the Process, please visit http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-the-belief-%E2%80%9Ci-can%E2%80%99t-%E2%80%A6%E2%80%9D/.

Changing the culture of an organization

Right after I created the LBP in 1985 my associates and I did a lot of management consulting work. One of the most exciting assignments we had was helping many of the newly-formed telephone companies that had just split off from AT&T to create a new customer-driven culture.

For about a hundred years AT&T had a culture that was focused on internal measurements for improvement. Because the company had a monopoly and customers had no place else to go, it didn’t focus much on what customers wanted. AT&T gave them what it thought they needed. After AT&T split up into a number of “Baby Bells,” each operating company had to change its culture to focus more on customer service.

The Lefkoe Institute was brought in by seven of those companies to work with thousands of their employees. I created a process that had employees in all the workshops realize that what they did on a daily basis made perfect sense given the beliefs they had created about what to do and how to do it. They also came to realize that these beliefs made perfect sense given the environment that existed when the beliefs were formed.

So instead of telling the employees that what they were doing was wrong or that they needed to change, we validated their behavior and their beliefs.

Once they realized the many ways in which the “old environment” had changed, they were able to consciously create new beliefs about their jobs, policies and procedures that were consistent with the new, current environment. And obviously their behavior changed to be consistent with their new beliefs.

We were very successful both in helping change the behavior of employees and the culture in which they operated.

Important organizational distinctions

In addition to the two processes that were developed specifically for organizations, I have made several important distinctions that are very valuable for organizations, such as the distinction between first, second, and third order change.

Here is a short summary of the difference between the three types of change:

First order change is incremental and consists of improving what already is. It is change consistent with existing beliefs.

Second order change is more fundamental and consists of creating a new set of beliefs that make behavior possible that had been impossible before.

One way to distinguish between a second and third order change organization is that the former creates a new and better culture in which to operate; the latter creates a culture that recognizes that there is no ”right” culture for all times. A third order change organization is able to easily create new cultures as new environments require.

For examples and more details see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/relationship-personal/.

Summary of The Lefkoe Method

In this and the last three blog posts I have provided a summary of the nine processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method and provided links to get additional information about each process.

It should be clear that not only is each process unique in what it does and how it does it, but all of them together as The Lefkoe Method offer a revolutionary approach to freeing us from our limitations and providing us with the freedom to create our lives exactly the way we want them to be.

Please share below any comments you have on the two organizational processes or any other process in The Lefkoe Method.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

How Can I Use The Lefkoe Method? Part 1

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 22:10:51 +0000

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Many of you have used the Lefkoe Belief Process and found that permanently getting rid of beliefs has made a profound difference in your life. Did you know that The Lefkoe Method includes eight other processes you can use to make significant changes in your life?

Depending on the problem you are trying to get rid of and what you are trying to accomplish, some of these other processes might be required.

Because recently readers have asked me to describe the difference between each process and explain how each is used, I’ve decided to use my blog posts over the next few weeks to do just that. I’ll provide a short description of each process, explain how it works, and tell you how it can be used to help you get rid of problems you face in your life daily.

This week I’ll discuss the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process. In future weeks I’ll write about the others.

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t another belief-elimination process out there that is guaranteed to eliminate fundamental beliefs permanently. Moreover, I am quite confident that no one offers as complete an arsenal of processes to help you make any change you want in your life … and have it stick. In fact, I’m not aware of any other process that produces the results that each of these processes achieve.

Here is a list of the processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method:

Lefkoe Belief Process
Lefkoe Stimulus Process
Lefkoe Sense Process
Lefkoe Expectation Process
Lefkoe De-conditioning Process
Lefkoe Occurring Process
Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities
Lefkoe Belief Process—Organizations
Who am I really?

The Lefkoe Belief Process

The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP), which I developed in 1975, was the first of the processes and still is the most important. Most of our undesirable behavior and feelings ultimately can be traced to our beliefs, so being able to get rid of beliefs will make the biggest long-term difference in your life.

A belief, as I use the term, is a statement about reality that is the truth for us. It is experienced emotionally as the truth, because it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe.

For example, you may believe that I’m not good enough, even though you know intellectually that that is not true. So the way to know you have a belief is to say the words of the belief out loud and then ask yourself: Do the words feel true? Do they resonate even a little bit? Do they feel even a little uncomfortable?

Most of our core beliefs about ourselves, people, and life are formed in the first six years of life as a result of interactions with our parents. Beliefs about other areas of life—such as work, politics, relationships, and aspects of society—usually are formed when we encounter them.

The steps of LBP consist mainly of questions that enable you to discover that something you thought was “the truth,” something you thought you “saw” in the world, is really only “a truth,” that exists only in your mind. When you make that distinction, the belief is transformed into merely one interpretation you gave a meaningless series of events, and the belief disappears.

Typical common negative beliefs include I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m powerless, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.

Many day-to-day problems that we face—such as procrastination, selling ourselves short, and trying to impress others—can usually be resolved by eliminating the beliefs that cause them.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process

Many emotions are caused by beliefs, for example, the belief that Dogs are dangerous will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief People can’t be trusted will result in the feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are many adults, however, who experience emotions that appear to not depend on beliefs.

Very often we experience negative feelings in our life on a recurring basis, such as fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as fear whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or guilt whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why, for example, does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear in some people and not in others?

What appears to have happened is anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other non-scary situations get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger).

The classic example of this was an experiment a psychologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the stimulus gets conditioned.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make this very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. If this next time there was no fist, only ice cream, why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear when it became associated with the fist. Something was scaring you (the fist) and ice cream just happened to be there every time you got scared by the fist.

Here is a real life example: Consider someone who experiences fear whenever he is asked to do something. When did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? Assume the original source of the fear was a father who always yelled, threatened, and terrified the client as a child. No matter what the client did, the father was not satisfied.

When the client reviews the cause of his feeling of fear, he discovers that the fear was not inherent in being asked to do something. What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s behavior: The person he depended on for his very survival was withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That is what caused the fear. Can you see that fear is not inherent in not doing things perfectly or, in fact, any other specific thing you do or do not do?

In order to help people get rid of these emotional problems I developed a new process in 1997 that I call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP). It is simpler to use than the LBP and usually takes only five to ten minutes to completely de-condition the stimuli that cause such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by helping you to realize that initially “being asked to do something” never produced fear. The original cause of the fear was the meaning you attributed to the way you were asked to do something (the anger that accompanied the request), by someone whose survival you depended on (your father). You associated “being asked to do something” with a loss of love, which ultimately you experienced as “a threat to your survival.”

When the association is broken, when you realize that you made this arbitrary association, the events that got associated (being asked to do something) will no longer cause fear. When you consciously make a distinction between what really caused the feeling initially and the events that happened to be associated with it, the associated events (current stimuli for the feeling) will no longer cause the feeling.

It is important to realize that most of our emotional problems—such as anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness—cannot be eliminated totally merely by eliminating beliefs. You also have to use the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

Next week’s post will describe additional processes of The Lefkoe Method that you might need to eliminate all your barriers to having the life you’ve always wanted.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

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How to eliminate suffering and get enlightened

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:01:45 +0000

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There are two fundamentally different ways in which we can experience ourselves.

First, the way most of us usually experience ourselves: as a creation—a separate entity distinct from other entities, whose survival is always at stake. Some people call this the ego.

Second, as the creator of that creation—as consciousness, as Self, as non-dual awareness, as that which has always existed and always will exist.

The creation is experienced as an entity that is either “good enough” or “not good enough.” The creator, consciousness, Self is not experienced as someThing; rather it is a state of consciousness in which one experiences oneself as whole and complete, with nothing missing. On the other hand, because the creation is something specific, there is always something it is not, in other words, there is always something missing.

What is enlightenment?

Enlightenment consists of distinguishing yourself and then experiencing (as distinct from understanding) that you already are the creator, Self, consciousness—not merely the creation—it’s just that most people haven’t experienced it yet.

Therefore, transformation or enlightenment is not a place to get to; you are already there. And transformation or enlightenment is nothing more than (continually) creating that experience for yourself.

Why we need self-esteem

If we are going to experience ourselves as a creation, we need a high level of self-esteem. Why? Because when we experience ourselves as someThing whose survival is always at stake, we need to believe I’m able to survive (good enough, important, capable), and worthy of surviving. (Nathaniel Branden was the first person I know to point this out.) And a high level of self-esteem is more conducive to our survival than a low level of self-esteem.

But when you distinguish yourself as the creator of the creation (which you can easily experience with the “Who Am I Really?” Process), then a paradox occurs: you no longer need a high level of self-esteem (because your survival is no longer in question) and you experience yourself as whole and complete, as okay just the way you are, with nothing missing, anything is possible, and no limitations—which “feels like” a high level of self-esteem.

Although it is possible to change the creation (by eliminating our beliefs about ourselves, which changes how we act and feel)—the very fact of experiencing ourselves as a creation will necessarily result in experiencing something missing, some limitations, and, as the Buddha said: some degree of suffering.

Some suffering seems to be inherent in the experience of ourselves as a creation, an entity whose survival is always at stake. Let me explain why.

If some things are good for us (conducive to our survival), then other things are bad for us (a threat to our survival). And when we encounter anything that we consider to be a threat to our survival, we feel anxiety and suffer. Depending on our beliefs and who we think are, we can be threatened by people who are angry at us, not being liked by people, making mistakes, not reaching our goals—in other words, by anything that we consider “bad.”

In other words, when anything we consider ourselves to be (a good parent, a hard worker, a sexy person) is threatened, we feel anxiety because we think who we are is in danger of extinction.

When we experience ourselves as a creation with a low level of self-esteem, our lives become about acquiring self-esteem. We create survival strategies—which are substitutes for self-esteem—that run our lives, such as having people think well of us, taking care of others, or doing things perfectly. We think these survival strategies will make us good enough or important. Unfortunately, it’s an endless quest because they never really work, although they can ameliorate anxiety for the moment.

The Lefkoe Method has two purposes

This is why The Lefkoe Method has a two-fold purpose: to help you change your creation (for example, from not good enough to good enough) … and also to facilitate you to distinguish and then experience yourself as the creator of the creation.

As long as you have human form you probably will experience that that form’s survival is always at stake. But it is possible to transcend that experience and distinguish yourself as the creator at any time. In that transcendent state, you experience that you are the space in which reality and time show up, that you always were and always will be, and that survival is never an issue.

So although it is possible to minimize suffering by changing the creation (eliminating beliefs that lead to dysfunctional behavior and feelings), as long as you experience yourself as a creation, suffering is always lurking just around the corner. The best way to relieve suffering is to create yourself as the creator, as Self, as non-dual awareness.

An alternative method

There seems to be a second method that I’ve been exploring recently: to detach oneself from the dualistic world in which we live—to dissolve the meaning we impose on meaningless reality—and face reality stripped bare of all meaning. When the meaning is gone, anxiety and suffering will be gone too.

Suffering and any other unpleasant emotion are the result of adding the meaning: “bad for me” (as distinct from good for me)—to a meaningless event. That meaning causes the suffering. Human beings are always creating meaning because we need to know: good or bad for my survival.

So there appears to be two ways to relieve suffering: to experience yourself as the creator—as distinct from the creation, or to act very un-creation-like and dissolve all the meaning from events, to live totally in the moment. The Lefkoe Occurring Process was designed to do just that.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on enlightenment and how to relieve suffering.

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To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

You Create Your Experience of Reality

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 23:28:19 +0000

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When you realize that you never saw your beliefs in the world, that you only saw events that had no inherent meaning, it becomes clear that you create your beliefs—and, ultimately, reality as you experience it. Thus, everything we say is “out there”—other than what we sense (in other words, what we touch, see, hear, smell, or taste)—is a distinction we create that exists only in our mind.

Creation is the act of making distinctions

For example, you walk down the street and think you actually see “men” and “women,” when you actually only perceive what we have defined as individual human beings. You describe these human beings as “men” or “women,” but you have never actually seen “men” or “women”; they are only abstractions you have distinguished and imposed on reality. If you were to arbitrarily distinguish people into those taller and those shorter than six feet, you would eventually walk down the street and think you are seeing “shorties” and “tallies” as clearly as you now see men and women.

In Alternate Realities, Lawrence LeShan gives a simple example:

Consider how we make classes of things. “Surely,” we say, “we do not create classes. We take them as we find them ‘out there,’ male and female, animal, vegetable, and mineral. . . . We are not creating anything. We are observing things and learning their relationships.” Why then, asked one philosopher, has no one made a class of red, juicy, edible things and included meat and cherries in it? Or a class of tall, dark-haired men and women with no earlobes?

It becomes clear, as we look at LeShan’s example, that we help create and maintain the reality we perceive and react to. So nothing is until you make it so. But once you do, it must be. You can no longer not see men and women. (I once had the following printed on a t-shirt: “It isn’t until it is, and then it must be.” Can you imagine me trying to explain what I meant by that phrase to everyone who read it and asked me?)

Here is a vivid example. In The Experts Speak by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, hundreds of experts are cited who were limited in their ability to see anything outside their existing beliefs. The following is just one of the beliefs that was generally accepted as “the truth” and that determined the believer’s behavior at the time.

Cerf and Navasky tell of how

in the 1850s, a Hungarian doctor and professor of obstetrics, Ignaz Semmelweis, ordered his interns at the Viennese Lying-In Hospital to wash their hands after performing autopsies and before examining new mothers. The death rate plummeted from 22 out of 200 to two out of 200, prompting the following reaction from one of Europe’s most respected medical practitioners:

It may be that it [Semmelweis’s procedure] does contain a few good principles, but its scrupulous application has presented such difficulties that it would be necessary, in Paris for instance, to place in quarantine the personnel of a hospital the great part of a year, and that, moreover, to obtain results that remain entirely problematical.” (Dr. Charles Dubois, Parisian obstetrician, in a memo to the French Academy, on September 23, 1858.)

Semmeiweis’ superiors shared Dubois’ opinion; when the Hungarian physician insisted on defending his theories, they forced him to resign his post on the faculty.

Today this example seems ridiculous. Doesn’t everyone know that proper hygiene is a lifesaving factor in hospitals? We tend to view this as an objective reality—as a fact. But Dubois and his colleagues were operating out of a different worldview, from a different set of beliefs. Semmelweis’s theory did not fit with their beliefs about hospital care, and therefore it was not and could not be the truth for them.

The only thing that is “true” is that which you make true by definition. You create reality (truth) by making arbitrary distinctions out of nothing. Whatever you distinguish becomes real (true) by the very fact of your having made the distinction. The distinction brings something into existence. It also serves as the definition of what has been brought into existence. Our world is—but only because we said so. We are, by our very nature, conscious beings who distinguish, which means beings who create our perception of “reality.”

I want to emphasize that I am not saying we create our physical reality. Maybe we do and maybe we don’t; I’m not sure. I am saying we create our perception of physical reality, and most people don’t ever make that distinction. Getting fired or having a spouse leave us are facts in reality; the events actually do exist. That they are a disaster or an opportunity for something better is a function of our beliefs and our occurrings. So when I say we create our reality, I am saying we create our experience of reality and we can change it.

Once you have created a belief, you have created a reality (for you) in which your belief is “the truth.” (I am…. People are…. Life is….) And your life becomes consistent with that belief. You have constant evidence that the belief is true. You have a hard time even imagining possible behavior that is not consistent with your belief. It is difficult to eliminate or change the belief because you feel that you actually perceived it existing in the world. So your behavior continues to be consistent with your belief, even if it is dysfunctional and you try to change it.

When You Eliminate a Belief You Change Your Reality and Create New Possibilities

Because “things” only exist as a result of distinctions you make, when you dissolve or eliminate the distinction, that reality disappears. The following exercise demonstrates my point.

Let’s distinguish a two-dimensional figure with three straight sides from every other possible figure and call it a triangle. (A definition is nothing more than how you describe a specific distinction. It’s the “nature” of the distinction.) Now let’s change the figure by adding one more side and making it a four-sided figure with equal angles. Notice you no longer have a triangle. You now have a figure we have defined as a rectangle. The new figure no longer fits the definition of a triangle. You might say that the triangle has disappeared. It doesn’t exist.

From this illustration we learn that when the unique attributes of a “thing” are changed—when the distinction that makes it unique from other “things” is changed—that specific “thing” disappears.

This principle explains what makes a belief disappear during the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP). In the LBP you identify a specific belief, which is a conviction you have that your way of viewing the world is “the truth,” as distinguished from all other views, which are not “the truth”—they’re false. You then transform a statement that you consider to be “the truth” into a statement that you consider to be “a truth?’ Once you do that, the statement is no longer a belief. It has become merely one possible interpretation—one of many possible ways of defining reality. Thus, the belief no longer exists. It has disappeared! And when the belief is gone, your reality has changed. New possibilities appear that weren’t there before.

Conventional Psychotherapy

Most therapies assume that there is an objective world “out there” that the client is having trouble dealing with. Therefore, the conventional role of therapy is to help people cope better with that objective world. The LBP, on the other hand, assumes that there is no “reality” (for you) independent from your beliefs. Thus, altering your beliefs not only changes your behavior, your feelings, and how you perceive the world, it literally changes the world in which you function.

Because we create the world as we experience it, we can change it at will.

Do you have any suggestions or comments on these thoughts on how your beliefs create your experience of reality?

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

How to get rid of your fears

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 18 May 2010 17:48:26 +0000

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I want to deeply thank the hundreds of you who shared intimate details about how your lives have been run by your fears and anger. Your stories were unbelievably honest and incredibly moving. They reminded me of how I described my own life in my journal years ago, just before I created the Lefkoe Belief Process (originally called the Decision Maker Process) and in the early months after I created it, before I had eliminated many beliefs.

Here are some excepts from my journal in the mid-1980s:

During the past few weeks I have been more and more upset, afraid, on edge. Nothing seems to be happening. I put articles, magazines, etc. out into the world, and nothing comes back. I am worried about money. I am troubled about the situation in which I have put my family.

It seems to be that there is something wrong with me, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel I am insufficient for the task I’ve set for myself.

Last night I was exhausted, crying when I got home, crying when I got up this morning.

I’m scared. And when I try to look and see what’s going on, my mind wanders and there’s a fog.

I just saw the thoughts: When all is said and done, I’m never going to make it. My life is not going to turn out.

If you didn’t know these comments were written by me many years ago, I’m sure you would assume they were among the many posts written last week describing the one area of your emotional life you would like to change.

Techniques That Didn’t Work For You

In your response to my question—What didn’t work to help you with your fear?—you said that most rational approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, positive self-talk, and rational thinking, failed. ”Just don’t let the fear stop you” also didn’t work for most of you.

Your responses were mixed on EFT, hypnosis, and NLP. Some of you said these techniques were useful, others said they dealt only with the symptoms and never got rid of the underlying causes, which made the fear and other negative feelings come back.

Why Most Approaches To Eliminating Fear Don’t Work

I promised I would explain why the approaches that didn’t work for you couldn’t work. Here’s my answer.

Imagine a person with the beliefs: I’m not good enough, mistakes and failure are bad, I’m inadequate, I’ll never get what I want, nothing I do is good enough, life is difficult, people can’t be trusted, etc. If this is his reality, can you see that he would be afraid much of the time? …

Our beliefs have the power they do because, for us, they are our reality. And that’s why most change techniques that deal only with symptoms produce only temporary relief. If the source of your fear (and other negative emotions such as anger and general upset) is your beliefs, then the only thing that will permanently get rid of the fear is to eliminate those beliefs.

Let me give you a few more examples: Our behavior and feelings are responses to our reality. So if my reality is that relationships don’t work, that I’m not lovable, and that women can’t be trusted, then being in a relationship or even having the thought of a close romantic relationship probably would produce some level of anxiety. Why? Because in my reality relationships are unpleasant and unlikely to last.

If we perceive something as threatening us, we are hard-wired to feel some level of fear. If in our reality rejection is a threat to us, rejection will cause fear. If in our reality we will never get what we want and life is dangerous, then we are likely to live with some level of anxiety almost all the time.

In other words those things that we experience as threatening will necessarily result in fear. But what determines which events are perceived as threatening to us? Interestingly enough, it’s not what is actually out there in the world. Instead, it is our beliefs about ourselves, people and life.

Tera posted a comment on my blog that clearly explains why most approaches don’t work:

“I just wanted to point out that the Lefkoe Method is the only way I know that actually gets rid of the cause of the problems ONCE AND FOR ALL rather then all those techniques that only treat the symptoms. EFT, meditation, NLP, false forgiveness and letter writing, could drastically improve the quality of our lives, but they can’t fix the beliefs that cause the problems.”

A Modification Of This Theory

Based on what I learned in the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment earlier this year, I’d like to slightly modify what I’ve just written.

There seems to be an additional step between beliefs (and conditionings) and our behavior and feelings. Let me explain. Remember I said that beliefs get their power because they are our reality and our behavior and feelings are determined by our reality.

In essence, our beliefs and conditionings are the primary determinant for how reality “occurs” for us, or “shows up” for us. And because we usually don’t distinguish between reality and the way reality occurs for us, the “occurring” is our reality and directly determines our behavior and feelings.

Here’s how it works. Say you believe I’m not good enough, I’ll never get what I want, life will never turn out for me, and other similar beliefs. Then you lose your job or your investments severely decline in value. Given those beliefs, the events probably would occur for you as a disaster, as a hole you will never get out of, as another in the many set-backs life keeps throwing at you. (I know because this is a description of my beliefs and the way life occurred for me before I used the Lefkoe Belief Process on myself.)

But can you see that all that happened in the world is that you lost your job or your investments declined in value? With different beliefs the same events would occur for you differently, such as, here is an opportunity to get an even better job, one that will be more fulfilling, or what can this experience teach me about investing that will make me a more successful investor in the future. (How do you think “set-backs” occur for Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates?)

The problem for most of us is that we rarely, if ever, distinguish between actual events in the world and how those events occur for us. For us, the way things occur for us is our reality. And even if we did notice the difference, most of us don’t know how to realize that the occurring is only in own minds and not in the world, which would make it disappear.

To Sum Up

Ultimately, getting rid of fear and other negative emotions (and undesirable behavior such as procrastination) requires eliminating the beliefs that cause the problem. Remember, however, because events as such have no meaning, they are unable to make you feel anything. So in the short-term you can get rid of negative feelings in moments by dissolving how the world is occurring for you. When you use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve the meaning you have given events (which determines how they occur for you), all your negative feelings disappear and you are left with nothing but the meaningless events.

If you eliminate the beliefs that are the source of your fear and other negative emotions and if you learn how to dissolve your “occurring world,” I promise you will be able to create your experience of life regardless of the circumstances. An experience that is free of anxiety and anger, that is instead filled with excitement, joy, and unlimited possibilities.

Now I Have Another Question For You

It’s become clear from your posts during the past week or so that a lot of you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life and yet you have a sense that something better is possible.

So in order to serve you best, please take a minute to post a comment below telling me how my team and I can best help you increase your love, happiness, success, and fulfillment in your life.

What could they possibly have been thinking?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 May 2010 22:54:58 +0000

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There was a time in America when some people were treated as property, forced to do whatever other people wanted, abused without any ability to respond, and unable to obtain their freedom. Such behavior was legal and considered appropriate by the people practicing it.

When we look at the people who exhibited that behavior we think with repulsion, “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

I’m not referring to slavery 150 years ago. I’m referring to the abuse heaped upon millions of children daily by well-meaning parents who don’t realize the long-term damage being done by spanking and other forms of punishment.

Corporal Punishment Doesn’t Work

Research has shown that corporal (physical) punishment not only doesn’t stop the behavior it was intended to stop, it produces a host of negative consequences. These studies have linked corporal punishment to adverse physical, psychological and educational outcomes.

Researcher Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D., in a 2002 meta-analytic study that combined 60 years of research on corporal punishment, found that the only positive outcome of corporal punishment was immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment was associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment was linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, problems in relationships with their parents, and likelihood of being physically abused.

Time recently described a new study published in Pediatrics that confirms the results of many earlier studies, “As five-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the non-spanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals.” (Emphasis added.)

We’ve discovered from our work with over 13,000 clients that most self-esteem beliefs are formed from interactions with parents during the first six years of life. Spanking produces the dysfunctional behavior described in the studies quoted above because it leads to such beliefs as: I’m powerless. I’m bad. I deserve to be punished. There’s something wrong with me. The way to be safe is to have power over others. Violence is an acceptable way to handle disagreements. The way to keep from being punished is to not get caught. I’m not good enough.

Despite all the evidence showing the negative consequences of spanking, many people still argue that it is a useful and appropriate tool for parents. One such person is Dr. James Dobson, a psychologist who Time called “the nation’s most influential evangelical leader.” He argues "[P]ain is a marvelous purifier. . . It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely." (Emphasis added.) (From his book, Dare to Discipline, pages 6 and 7.)

Answering the question: “I have spanked my children for their disobedience, and it didn’t seem to help. Does this approach fail with some children?”, Dobson replied:

“The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t motivate a child to avoid the consequence next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a multi-diapered thirty-month-old is not a deterrent to anything. Be sure the child gets the message — while being careful not to go too far.” (Emphasis added.) (Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide)

Now you may be thinking, I don’t spank my child and I don’t know any parents who do; it isn’t really that common anymore. In fact, it is a lot more common than you might imagine. According to the Center for Effective Discipline, in the 2006-2007 school year, 223,190 school children in the U.S. were subjected to physical punishment. A recent survey in the UK showed that seven out of 10 parents used corporal punishment on their children.

Yelling Also Can Be Abusive

But that’s only half the story. A lot of people who would never physically abuse their children abuse them emotionally on a regular basis. Such people can grasp the brutality of hitting a defenseless child, but think nothing of screaming at their child, uttering such common phrases as: “What’s wrong with you?” “Are you stupid?” “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t you understand English?” “If you were a good child you’d obey me.”

Our work with clients also has showed us that such emotional abuse often leads to as many negative beliefs about ourselves as physical abuse, including many of the same beliefs that spanking produces, plus I’m not capable, I’m not competent. Mistakes are bad. I’m not loveable. I’m not worthy. I’m inadequate.

There’s an important distinction to be made here: Physical and emotional abuse, as painful as it might be in the moment, has no long-term consequences. But the abuse inevitably leads children to form negative beliefs about themselves and life, that in turn lead to a wide variety of behavioral and emotional problems for the rest of their lives. (Thousands of clients have stopped their chronic anxiety, eating disorders, needing the approval of others, lack of confidence, etc. by eliminating the childhood beliefs that cause such debilitating problems.)

Why do we hit or yell at our children? The answer most parents probably would give is “Nothing else seems to get my children to listen.” Would you hit or yell at your friends who frustrated you because they wouldn’t listen to your advice? And if that’s not appropriate, what makes it okay to do it to defenseless children?

Shouldn’t Children Be Disciplined If They Don’t Obey?

Think of a time when you were disciplined by your parents. … Did you think: I’ll never do that again, or did you think: I’ll make sure I never get caught doing that again. … Did you learn anything from the punishment other than to make sure you don’t get caught? … Did it instill a moral sense of right and wrong and the desire to do what’s right, or were you just angry with your parents? …

Research has shown that spanking and browbeating sometimes can work to produce immediately compliance, but there is no learning involved. If they really worked to permanently change behavior you’d only have to use them once or perhaps a few times. It’s weird to me that parents justify hitting and yelling as a way to get their children to listen, and then keep doing it over and over because their children don’t listen! That reminds me of the old saying: Insanity consists of doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result.

Do We Really “Own” Our Children?

Many parents feel they are legally and morally justified in forcing their children to do whatever they arbitrarily decide they want their children to do, just because they are the parents. They hate the question “why?” because they usually don’t have an answer. If their children disobey, it’s okay for them to punish their children until they “cry.” Their justification: “How can we possibly get our kids to do what we want if we can’t spank them or yell at them?”

If a master’s absolute dominion over his slaves was justified by the argument that the slaves were “owned” by their masters, isn’t that the implicit argument that justifies punishing children? (Obviously, parents don’t consciously think that about their children, but think about it for a moment, isn’t that the implicit assumption out of which most parents operate? Don’t they think: “Who are you to tell me how to parent? They are ‘my’ children.”)

If we ever are going to raise a generation of children who don’t have the negative beliefs and day-to-day problems so many of us have today, the first thing we are going to have to do is realize that physical and even emotional abuse results in lasting damage. Not the actual abuse itself, which is over in a few minutes. But the meaning children give that abuse results in crippling beliefs that stay with them and cause them suffering for the rest of their lives.

This post is not meant to make parents feel guilty who didn’t realize the consequences of their behavior or who just don’t have any effective parenting skills. It is meant to destroy, once and for all, the idea that parents “own” their children and have the right to spank or scream at them for disobeying.

Please help get this post into the hands of as many parents as possible. Let’s do whatever we can to hasten the day when everyone looks back at these early 21^st century parenting practices in America and says: “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

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It worked. Brilliantly.

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:06:14 +0000

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Remember last December I wrote that I was about to have a breakthrough? Well, I did.

On February 16, 2010 nineteen people and I began the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment (LFE). Before we started I promised the participants:

“You will learn how to transform the way you experience your life. No matter what the circumstances. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Actually, I had never taught anyone to do that before, but I like to promise things I’ve never done before. That’s the exciting part: Figuring out how to do things after I’ve promised to do them.

The LFE was created after I noticed (and blogged about in three posts last December) that most people usually are not aware of the distinction between reality and how reality occurs for them. And because we are not aware of this distinction, we act as if the way reality occurs for us is the way reality “really is,” which is rarely true.

So the LFE was designed to determine if we could notice that distinction all the time and, even more importantly, dissolve the way reality occurs for us and be left with nothing but reality. Or as some gurus describe it, live totally in the present, without the past and future intruding.

We succeeded brilliantly! We met in a webinar for an hour once a week for ten weeks. Virtually everyone in the class who did their weekly assignment ended the experiment able to easily notice the distinction between “reality” and the way reality occurred for them at any given moment, and then quickly and easily dissolve the “occurring,” so that they were left either with only reality (without any meaning) or with a positive “occurring” that they choose.

Let me give you an example. Your investments lose a lot of their value. That is reality. That might occur for you as “a disaster, years of savings and struggle down the drain, how will we ever recoup our losses, etc.” That “occurring” would seem like “a fact,” “the way it really is,” and would result in you feeling upset, despondent, anxious, sad, etc. If you dissolve the “occurring” and observe only the reality—namely, the decline in value of your investment—the negative feelings would disappear. At which point you would have a choice to deal with “reality” and determine what you can learn from the experience and what you are going to do to replace the money. Or you even could create a positive meaning, such as “This is an opportunity to realize that my happiness is not dependent on material things and to grow as a spiritual being.” Giving that meaning to the events would result in positive feelings, such as pleasure and satisfaction.

Here are some more details of what we learned.

At any given moment we might have positive or negative emotions—joy and excitement, or anger, sadness, anxiety, and upset. Because events in reality have no inherent meaning (we have this profound realization when we eliminate a belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process), the events themselves can’t cause the emotion. What does?

The meaning we have given the events. And that meaning results in reality occurring for us in a specific way. So dissolving the meaning/the occurring immediately eliminates the feelings it caused.

Imagine that! Being able to eliminate any negative feeling you have in just moments by being able to eliminate the meaning you gave the events. This means that if you are in the middle of an argument with your relationship partner and you are getting angry, all you have to do is identify what meaning you are giving the situation and eliminate it, and the anger will stop.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I hear many of you thinking. “Do you really expect me to believe this?” Yes, I do. I know many of you are skeptical. “I’ve heard outrageous claims before but this is just too much.” Nonetheless, I personally have now done this many times and several people in the experiment did it also.

As Michael Scheibe, one of the participants put it: “The tools I learned in this experiment have transformed how I experience my life on a daily basis.

“Previous things that used to frequently upset me no longer do because through this course I truly got that my experience of life comes from the meaning I’m giving everything in the moment, and that meaning is not the same as what’s actually happening in the real world, and now I can also change that meaning whenever I want to something else I’d enjoy more.”

If my audacious claim really is true (and it is), you can understand why I think what we learned can totally transform how people experience their lives.

There is one caveat. Because how something occurs for us is primarily the result of prior beliefs and conditionings, as long as they continue to exist similar situations will continue to occur for us the same way. Ultimately, in order to be able to prevent negative occurrings, we have to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause them.

We probably will offer another webinar like the last one shortly. Most of the participants in the experiment thought that the group participation was very helpful in being able to produce the result, but not absolutely necessary. So I need to find a way to teach the Lefkoe Occurring Process to everyone who wants the benefits it has to offer at a price everyone can afford, which means I’ll have to find a way to offer a training on CDs or DVDs, without group participation and without me having to be personally involved in every training. And because the weekly practice is so crucial, I need to find a way to get people to practice if they are not going to be showing up for a webinar with me weekly, where I am going to be asking about their weekly practice.

But we will find a way and it won’t be long before tens of thousands of people are able to dissolve negative feelings like anger, anxiety and unhappiness as they occur. Finding a way to help people do that is a goal worth getting out of bed for every morning.

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How to control anger

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 20:21:35 +0000

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The first time I really allowed myself to experience my anger I fainted.

I was about 36 and had successfully suppressed my anger since childhood. And there I was in a group therapy session, hitting a mat with a stick with foam wrapped around it, screaming: “Mom, I’m really angry at you.” When I started the exercise I was only mouthing empty words, but then at some point the words became real and the anger surfaced. It terrified me so much that I literally passed out on the mat.

I fainted the next couple of times I tried that exercise, but eventually I was able to experience anger toward my mother that I had never allowed myself to experience. And I was able to remain in an upright position.

Although there probably aren’t many people who first experienced their anger in exactly the same way I did, there are millions who are terrified of experiencing their own anger or being in the presence of the anger of others. Many people get in touch with that anger in therapy or some personal growth course, and millions never do.

In addition to the fact that suppressing your anger is suppressing a part of yourself—in other words, having a part of you be unknown to you—suppressed anger has been implicated in serious illnesses, especially heart diseases.

So if you want to discover why our anger is so scary that we need to hide it, even from ourselves, and if we want to be able to experience anger without fear, read on and let me explain how we can do that.

The Primary Source of Our Fear

The primary source of our fear of anger is three specific beliefs and two conditionings. The beliefs are: Confrontation is dangerous, If I’m angry I’ll lose control, and Anger is dangerous. And the conditionings are: fear associated with anger and fear associated with confrontation. There can be a several others relevant beliefs and conditionings, but it is my experience that when these five have been eliminated, most of the fear we have of our own anger and the anger of others will be gone.

The source of these five beliefs and conditionings is almost always a childhood where one or both parents frequently displayed extreme anger. (I’ll explain why some people frequently express anger in a minute.) If we are terrified by the anger of our parents as a child, the typical reaction is the five beliefs and conditionings I listed.

The group therapy I described above helped me get in touch with my anger and allowed me to experience it instead of suppress it so totally that I didn’t even know I was feeling it. But my fear of anger did not disappear totally until I eliminated the five beliefs and conditionings several years later.

Now what about people who aren’t afraid of anger, but who themselves are angry a lot and express that anger as verbal or physical abuse? What is the source of that?

People Who Get Angry Easily

Kids want affection, attention, and acknowledgment. When they repeatedly can’t get what they want, they are likely to feel powerless. Also, frequently being told: “Just do it because I said so” can produce the same feeling. This leads to the belief I’m powerless.

This is a basic self-esteem belief that makes us feel out of control and insecure, because if we are powerless then we don’t have the ability to do what we think needs to be done. In other words, on a subconscious level we know our survival is always at stake.

When we form such a belief as a child we need to find some way to deal with the ever-present anxiety it produces. As I explained in a blog post last year (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/), when we form a negative self-esteem belief as a child we need to develop some strategy to deal with it. For example, if we conclude I’m not good enough or important, the most common survival strategy is the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

And the most frequently-formed survival strategy when one concludes I’m powerless is, The way to be in control is to have everything be exactly the way I want it to be.

Think about this for a moment. Imagine you needed to have everything be exactly the way you wanted in order to feel in control. And if things weren’t exactly the way you wanted them to be—or if someone didn’t listen to you—you would feel powerless, which would lead to a profound anxiety. What would happen when someone or something kept you from having things the way you wanted them to be?

You’d feel lots of anger, probably rage. You would be angry at whomever or whatever you feel is making you feel powerless. And if it’s a child or spouse, the rage can easily turn into verbal and/or physical abuse. (This explains people like O.J. Simpson.)

(If you form the belief I’m powerless and don’t ever form the survival strategy belief, instead of exploding in anger you are likely to be a typical “victim.” You will always be talking about how people and events are “doing it to me” and you will allow people to take advantage of you.)

Based on over 25 years of experience I am now fairly certain that underneath all anger is a sense of powerlessness, because if you could do something about the situation you wouldn’t feel angry. And if the two beliefs I mentioned above were eliminated, a large part of one’s anger would be dissipated.

It’s amazing to think that merely getting rid of a few beliefs and conditionings could minimize one of the major sources of heart disease and getting rid of a few more could halt the epidemic of child and spouse abuse. Just one more example of the power of beliefs in our lives.

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How to build confidence

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:05:49 +0000

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Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why? How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence? What is confidence anyway? Where does it come from? Why do some people have more of it than others?

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a very low to a very high belief in our own abilities, a sense we can handle whatever life throws at us. Very few people are totally lacking in confidence and very few feel confident that they can handle almost anything. So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can improve their confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though they have high level of self-confidence. Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot. The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs. Every negative belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence, beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, I’m not capable, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m not worthy.

Once you understand that a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs lowers your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will understand the myth that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life.

If you succeed at tasks as a kid and your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs that will lower your self-confidence. On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time. If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence. In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs, not your practical results.

And if you already have a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs, failures later in life probably will be experienced as temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidence

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as procrastination (we are afraid we won’t do a good job so we keep putting things off), worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough).

How building confidence improves your life

Nothing I can say will provide as good a sense of what happens when you eliminate the beliefs that thwart a high level of self-confidence than a note someone posted on my blog.

First and foremost THANK YOU!

I thought I was confident before so I grab the [Natural Confidence] course just to see how it worked. I starting doing them, I did the first one and when I said the belief, I could feel the charge inherent in it. I thought wow really. At the finish of the first belief, when we repeat the belief it was dead, no charge whatsoever. It was more observing the belief as if someone else said it not me believing it. That moment I was hooked.

I could not stop. I did the first 5 beliefs in a day. Each day I did 4-5 beliefs.

I love it. I don’t really know what I had before the course, it was not the confidence I thought. But now I feel deep inside a calm assurance, a swagger if you will. I am walking taller, chin up giving eye contact without instructing myself to. Before I would say to myself “you gotta make eye contact,” etc. There is no little voice telling me to act confident; it is just what I do now. I just am Now.

They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear, I guess I was ready!

Thank you once again,

Giorgio

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I finally stopped bragging

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:13:57 +0000

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It took me a long time to stop bragging. About 50 years in fact.

As a child I always bragged about things that I thought would impress others. How good my grades were. Things I had done. Popular kids I hung out with. Having people think well of me was so important that I even lied just to impress others.

When I was 17 I was living in Miami Beach in an apartment with my mom. From time to time I dated girls who visited Miami Beach on vacation. One time I remember driving past my aunt’s beautiful house and saying to the girl: “That’s where I live.” I would have been embarrassed to show her an apartment building and say I lived in there. Living in the luxurious water-front house meant I was “someone special” and that’s how I wanted others to view me.

For most of my life I didn’t see my bragging as a problem. I did it and most of the people I knew did it also. It was just something that people did.

It wasn’t until I developed The Lefkoe Method about 25 years ago and started to figure out what beliefs caused which problems that I realized that bragging is actually a way to compensate for a low level of self-esteem.

Let me explain.

As I’ve written in the past, very few people escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs. With few exceptions, parents aren’t aware how their behavior is instrumental in the beliefs their children are forming. And as I said a few weeks ago in a post about parenting, parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet. Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between. So we form negative beliefs about ourselves. (See http://mortylefkoe.com/031610)

Once we have a negative sense of ourselves, we need to find something that makes us feel good about ourselves, something that makes us feel able to survive and worthy of surviving. I call these survival strategy behaviors, because they feel to us as if we need them to survive. They are formed early in life when we accidently do something and get a positive response from parents or some other person who is important to us. That positive response makes us feel good about ourselves. After a few repetitions, we conclude: What makes me good enough and important is … being successful, or doing things for people, or my accomplishments, or having people think well of me. (See my post on survival strategies, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/)

What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me is the most common survival strategy belief we’ve seen after working with over 13,000 clients in the past 25 years. And that’s why bragging is so common.

As I started to help clients eliminate this belief I discovered that I held it also. Eventually I eliminated a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs and several survival strategy beliefs, including What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

After these beliefs were finally gone, I noticed one day that my bragging had stopped. I knew I was okay the way I was and I no longer need the approval of others to make me feel okay. I preferred that you like me, but your not liking me no longer meant anything about me. So I didn’t have to do or say things to get your approval anymore. A lifetime of bragging had stopped without me even noticing at first.

You might want to ask: Is every comment about one’s accomplishments “bragging”? Not necessarily. Here’s how to tell the difference between someone bragging and merely stating facts: Are the “facts” repeated frequently; does there seem to be a need on the person’s part that you really get the importance of what they are telling you; does the speaker have a lot of energy on “the facts”? If so, you probably are hearing bragging coming from people who need you to think well of them to feel good about themselves.

If the accomplishments are presented as information, something the speaker is proud of but not “invested in,” without looking for or needing a positive reaction from you, it probably isn’t bragging.

Bragging isn’t bad and it isn’t wrong. It’s merely the inevitable result of certain beliefs. It’s not the bragging you want to get rid of, it’s the beliefs that have you brag to get the approval of others to feel okay about yourself. And you can stop the bragging anytime you want by eliminating the negative self-esteem beliefs and the survival strategy beliefs that cause it.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog. http://mortylefkoe.com

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Getting Rid of Beliefs is Not Enough

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:53:17 +0000

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Because many emotions are caused by beliefs, getting rid of the relevant beliefs can frequently eradicate negative emotions. For example, the belief that “Dogs are dangerous” will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief “People can’t be trusted” will result in a feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are, however, emotions in adults that appear to be caused by something in addition to beliefs. Getting rid of beliefs is not enough.

Let me explain the source of these negative emotions, such as fear and anger, and what you need to do to stop them from occurring.

During the first few years after I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate limiting beliefs, clients were able to make radical changes in their behavior by eliminating the beliefs that caused the behavior. Frequently, there also were meaningful emotional changes. We started noticing, however, that sometimes a client would continue to have a trace of a specific emotion such as anger or fear, even after eliminating all the beliefs we could find that seemed to be relevant. We usually assumed that there was another belief we hadn’t yet discovered, but eventually would.

Eventually we realized that, although some emotions are the direct result of beliefs, many are the result of conditioning in addition to beliefs. When that is the case, the LBP will not eliminate the conditioning. (You do, however, have to use the LBP to eliminate any relevant beliefs before de-conditioning can be effective in stopping the negative emotion. If you haven’t yet experienced eliminating a belief with the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com to try it free.)

A few years ago I developed a process I call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStP). It is specifically designed to eliminate the emotions that are caused by conditioned stimuli. It is simpler to use than the basic LBP and usually takes only five minutes to completely eliminate the stimuli for such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

How Associations Early In Life Cause Negative Emotions Later In Life

Very often we are plagued by repeated negative feelings in our life, such as fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as anxiety whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or anger whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear (or some other emotion) in some people and not in others?

Let me explain: The classic example of this situation was an experiment a physiologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a neutral stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the neutral stimulus gets conditioned.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make the process of conditioning very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. If this next time there was no fist, only ice cream, why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear. The ice cream just happened to be there every time you got scared by the fist.

The principle is that anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other situations that are not inherently scary get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger). This process is also the primary cause of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Here is a real life example: Consider one of my clients who experienced fear whenever he was asked to do something. I asked him when did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? He told me that when he was a child his father frequently got angry and yelled at him whenever he didn’t do what his father demanded of him. When my client reviewed the original cause of his feeling of fear, he discovered that the fear was not inherent in being asked to do something.

What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s threatening behavior that usually occurred when he was asked to do something: The person he depended on for his very survival seemed to be withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That perception—that his survival was at stake—is what caused the fear. Being told to do things just happened to occur at the same time as something else that constantly caused fear.

Whatever is going on when you experience fear due to your parents’ anger (because their anger is an implied threat to your survival) gets conditioned to produce the same fear. The stimulus today—making mistakes, being criticized, not living up to expectations, etc.—is not, itself, scary.

How The Lefkoe Stimulus Process Works

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by assisting you to make a distinction between the original real cause of the emotion and the events that just happened to be occurring at the time. Once that distinction is made, the conditioning is extinguished. It’s as if you could say to Pavlov’s dogs: “Hey dogs, you can’t eat the bell. It just happened to be ringing whenever you got food.” If the dogs could understand that distinction they would no longer salivate at the sound of the bell. But while dogs can’t make that distinction, humans can. And when they do, de-conditioning occurs. Using the Lefkoe Stimulus Process and the LBP you can easily get rid of the anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions that plague you.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog. http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Make Your Arguments a Thing of the Past

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:20:15 +0000

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Did I ever tell you about the time I gave myself an award for “‘Getting Off It’ the Fastest”?

Well, I’m going to tell you right now because I think it will make a profound difference in your relationships with people, especially your loved ones.

When I married Shelly almost 29 years ago I was a mess. I had just been divorced for a second time and was getting depressed frequently. When we argued, which happened frequently, my way of coping with upset was to withdraw … for a couple of days! Shelly, on the other hand, would “get off it” (let go of the upset) in an hour or so and then wonder why I was reacting to something that had ended hours or even days before.

As I used The Lefkoe Method (TLM) to eliminate beliefs and conditionings, the time it took me to let go of my upset decreased until, like Shelly, I could get off it in an hour or so after the argument was over.

At some point we created a friendly competition to see who could get off it first, in other words, who could let go of the upset totally and be back in relationship with the other person first. I ultimately acquired the ability to do that during an argument (as opposed to after it was over) and being able to stop right in the middle of it and just smile and say: “I’m sorry that whatever I am doing is upsetting you. Is there anything I can do to resolve this? I love you.”

Here’s what’s important about what I was doing. I didn’t say these words to placate Shelly or use extreme will power while still being upset. I actually was able to stop the upset and then say words that were true for me.

How did I learn to do that? I started asking myself what meaning I was giving Shelly’s behavior and comments. And then I used two steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process to get rid of that meaning.

First I figured out two or three other meanings for whatever Shelly had done or said, other than the one I have given it. If it had other valid meanings, the one I had couldn’t be “the truth.” Then I asked myself if I could literally “see” the meaning I had given her actions and statements. Obviously I never could “see” the meaning I had given.

So I realized the meaning existed only in my mind. What she was doing and saying had no inherent meaning. The only meaning was the one I had given it.

As you know if you’ve eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, events that have no meaning can’t make us feel anything. So the upset that I thought Shelly had “caused” was, in fact, caused by the meaning I had given what Shelly did and said. When that become real, the upset literally disappeared.

So how did I get the award? I created the reward myself and printed it out after a very special day. She had gotten angry at something I had said and done, and before I ever reacted to her, I asked myself: What does Shelly’s reaction to me really mean? When I answered, nothing, I had no reaction to her anger at all. None. And then I said what I had been saying when I had gotten off it during an argument (but his time it was before the argument ever started), “I can see how you could get upset by what I did and said. And if you are angry, that’s okay. And I love you.” And I said it with a smile.

It’s very hard to argue with someone who is not arguing back. She calmed down in a matter of minutes. Later that day I asked Shelly to give me the award I had created for getting off it the fastest ever … a time that could never be beaten … because I never got on it to begin with.

Remember, events have no inherent meaning, so nothing your loved one (or anyone else) does can upset you or make you angry. (If this isn’t real for you, eliminate a couple of limiting beliefs without charge at http://recreateyourlife.com and it will become real). What produces the upset or anger is the meaning you make up to explain why the other person did what they did.

For example, if your partner doesn’t do something you asked her to do and then you give the event the meaning that you can’t get what you want, you will get angry. If you give the event the meaning that your partner doesn’t care about what you want, you will be hurt or upset. If you say that your partner’s behavior could have many different meanings and, in fact, has no inherent meaning, you will feel nothing. You probably will just calmly do it yourself or ask your partner again if she will do it.

And that is something you can learn to do with practice (and, obviously, the more beliefs and conditionings you eliminate, the easier it is to do).

I haven’t always been able to do that since that day, but I do most of the time with Shelly and I even learned how to do it with my daughter Brittany when she was 14 (she’s now 21 and in college).

I had always had a very close relationship with Brittany. She would tell me what she was thinking and feeling quite often. I usually visited Brittany after she came home from school and asked her how her day went and we had a nice chat. When she reached 13-14 years old, she changed. I joke that she was captured by aliens who left one of their own in her place, because my daughter couldn’t not possibly have acted the way my daughter acted between the ages of 13 and 18-19. (In fact this is a natural part of a child’s development.)

At any rate, by the time she was a freshman in high school she had started getting angry at me frequently, telling me I was annoying (and worse), saying she didn’t feel like talking, and asking me to leave her room.

Although I would comply, I would leave upset. Why upset? Because the meaning I was giving her behavior was she was ruining our relationship (which was very important to me), that she was angry with me, that I couldn’t talk to her any more, etc. If that’s what her behavior meant, that was upsetting to me.

I asked myself, what else could it mean? She was individuating, as she should be doing. She had a problem with one of her teachers. Her hormones were raging. She had some difficulties with friends during the day. Etc. Did I ever “see” that something fundamental had happened to “ruin” our relationship? That I wouldn’t ever be able to talk to her the way we had in the past? No, I didn’t see that. I only saw her behavior, which could have many different meanings other than the one I had given it.

So one day, as a result of doing the type of thinking I just described, I didn’t get upset. I merely got up and left the room without saying a word. And after I left the room and closed her door, I said: “Honey, I hear a daughter who loves her dad very much and who’s probably having a hard day. Sorry about that. I love you too sweetheart.”

As I walked away I heard a shoe bounce off the door. Ten minutes later she came out of her room, threw her arms around me, kissed me, and apologized for being shitty.

She acted that badly and worse hundreds of times over the next 4-5 years but for the most part I was able to react without reacting. And it led to an incredibly close bond being formed between us. She knew I loved her unconditionally and would always be there for her because I didn’t withdraw my love when she treated me badly.

It probably will take practice to give a different meaning to someone else’s behavior, but when you do, arguments will become a thing of the past. Relationships will improve dramatically. And the quality of your life will skyrocket. And you’ll be able to create your own “Get off it the fastest” award.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog. http://mortylefkoe.com

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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What is My Job As A Parent?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:59:09 +0000

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“How many times do I have to tell you?”

“What am I ever going to do with you?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t you ever listen?”

Imagine yourself to be a young child listening to your parents repeatedly ask you questions like these. … If you stop for a few moments, listen to these words inside your head, and experience what it feels like, you will have a clear picture of what far too many children feel every day.

But what’s even worse than the momentary hurt you probably felt as a child are the beliefs that you probably formed if your parents used words like this day after day, year after year. You’d probably conclude: There’s something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. I’m not capable. Mistakes and failure are bad.

As parents we would be horrified to discover that many of our conversations with our children result in these beliefs. Nonetheless, speaking to them this way has a significant negative impact on them, not the least of which is a negative sense of themselves due to low self-esteem.

For over 25 years we have been working with people who’ve had a wide variety of dysfunctional behavioral or emotional patterns. Some were relatively minor, such as the inability to express feelings, procrastination, and obsessing about what others thought about them. Some were serious, such as eating disorders, chronic depression or anxiety, and phobias. We’ve helped these people with the Lefkoe Belief Process^®(LBP), a technique I developed that allows people to quickly and permanently eliminate the specific beliefs that are responsible for any undesirable behavior or feeling. When the beliefs disappear, the patterns do also. (To use the LBP to eliminate one negative self-esteem belief without charge, go to: http://www.recreateyourlife.com.)

In session after session, hour after hour, we have heard thousands of clients describe the experiences they had with their parents, most of whom loved their children and meant well, that led the clients to form the beliefs they were trying to eliminate: “My mom and dad always did …, they never did …, they always said …, they never said ….”

In the parenting e-Book my wife Shelly and I co-wrote, Guide to Effective Parenting, we explain in detail how what parents do and don’t do, say and don’t say, provide their children with the experiences that the children interpret into beliefs. Those beliefs, in turn, then determine their behavior and emotions and, ultimately, their lives—for better or for worse. (For information about this e-Book, go to http://www.lefkoeinstitute.com/parenting-ebook.html.)

Shelly and I have read numerous books on parenting and have taught countless parenting workshops. Nonetheless, we still found ourselves doing some things that were interpreted negatively by our two girls when they were younger. But we finally got in the habit of asking ourselves the question after we interacted with our children: What has my child just concluded? When we think the answer is “probably something negative,” we go back to our children to apologize and reopen the discussion.

As an example, one day when our daughter Brittany was about five years old (she’s now 21!) Shelly went into the bathroom before bedtime to brush Brittany’s teeth. Our daughter flatly refused, being the independent young lady that she is. After all of Shelly’s parenting skills and tools failed, she found herself physically overpowering our daughter with one arm around her neck and one hand with the toothbrush in her mouth. After a few moments she regained her sanity and realized what she was doing. She stopped immediately and apologized to Brittany.

Shelly realized that, as important as brushing Brittany’s teeth was, far more important was what our daughter would conclude about herself and life out of that interaction if repeated consistently. A couple of possibilities include: I’m powerless or What I want doesn’t matter. (Rarely do just a few experiences lead to negative beliefs. A number of experiences usually are required before we reach specific negative conclusions about ourselves and life.)

How can we get our children to do what needs to be done (teeth that don’t get brushed do get cavities) without them forming negative beliefs about themselves? Knowing how to interact with our children in a way that facilitates a healthy self-esteem and a positive sense of life is not self-evident. There are many books and courses that provide excellent skills and tools. One of the best techniques is to ask your children what to do and give them a choice. When Brittany didn’t want to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth, we learned to ask her how she’d like to go—with Shelly leading a parade and her following (you should have seen Shelly as a drum major!), with her in my arms or on my back, or did she want to meet me there in five minutes?

Most of us think we are successful parents if we get our children to behave properly, to learn what we think they need to learn, and to be happy. The question we suggest you ask yourself is: At what cost? If you succeed in achieving what you want for your children, but they form negative self-esteem beliefs, such as, I’m not good enough or I’m not worthwhile, or negative beliefs about life, such as, Life’s difficult or I’ll never get what I want, was your behavior really “successful”? In other words, are the benefits you achieved short term with your children worth the long-term cost?

I am not saying that our children’s behavior on a daily basis, the information they acquire from us, and their happiness are not important. Of course they are. What I’m saying is that the single factor that has the greatest impact on whether or not your children achieve true happiness and satisfaction in life is a healthy self-esteem and a positive sense of life. Nothing we do, learn or feel when we’re young will have as much influence on our adult life as the fundamental beliefs we form and take into adulthood.

To make this real, let’s assume that your children have one of the two following sets of beliefs: I’m not good enough; There’s something wrong with me; I’m not deserving; I’m not loveable; I don’t matter—or: I am good enough; I’m worthwhile just because I am, not for any reason; I’m loveable; I matter.

Which set of beliefs would most likely lead to anxiety and depression? To substance abuse? To teenage pregnancy? To eating disorders? To satisfying relationships? To a productive career? To a truly satisfying life?

Given the critical importance of beliefs, what should be the primary role of parents? Influencing behavior? Teaching information? Making their children happy?—or assisting their children to form positive beliefs about themselves and life?

If you chose the latter, the best way I know of to insure that you are getting your job as a parent done is constantly to ask yourself the question: What are my children likely to conclude about themselves and life as a result of this interaction we just had? If it is a negative decision, go back, apologize and clean it up. If it is a positive decision, congratulations! You got your job done.

P.S. Several of you wrote and said I never finished the story about my argument with Shelly in my post last week. So here the end of the story: As soon as I realized that my upset really had nothing to do with her, and was the result of conditioning, I told her that, apologized for getting upset at her and withdrawing, and that was the end of it. We actually have a game when we have an argument: Who can “get off it” the fastest. More and more often I don’t get hooked at all so I don’t even have to get off it, because I never get on it.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog. http://mortylefkoe.com

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How the Lefkoe Belief Process works, Part 1

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:58:52 +0000

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Many of you who have eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process have asked me for more details on how it actually works.

In order to provide you with a relatively complete answer (it would take me several days to teach you how to use it effectively), I’ve written a two-part post.

The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) begins with the client describing an undesirable pattern of behavior or feelings that he has been trying unsuccessfully to change. Feeling patterns could include fear, hostility, shyness, anxiety, depression, or worrying about what people think of you. Behavioral patterns could include phobias, relationships that never seem to work, violence, procrastination, unwillingness to confront people, an inability to express our feelings, sexual dysfunction, or anti-social behavior.

One client presented the following undesirable pattern: “I can do enough to get by, but I don’t apply myself completely to one thing. I always feel as though I haven’t done enough, both at home and at work. Wherever I am, I should be someplace else, doing something else. I never do a good enough job. Sometimes I’m satisfied with what I do, but I never have a sense of a real completion. Never any rest.”

I responded by pointing out that people frequently explain their behavior by pointing to a cause other than themselves, such as their spouse, their boss, the economy, or some other “circumstances.” I requested that the client assume that the source of our behavior and feelings is our beliefs, not anything in reality. Many clients already agree that their beliefs have this power, but agreement is not required for the LBP to be effective. One must, however, be willing accept that idea for the duration of the session.

Finding a Belief

I then asked the client what he believed, at the moment, that logically could account for the current, undesirable pattern that he just had just presented to me. This step is not the same as asking the client “why” he acts as he does. Most people either will say they have no idea why they do what they do, or they will come up with a multitude of reasons. A client’s “story,” interpretations, and analysis are not at all relevant in the LBP. This step is designed to elicit one or more beliefs (that he probably was not conscious of before the LBP began) that logically would manifest as his undesirable pattern.

One belief that this client discovered is I’m not good enough. This belief at least partially explains why he never had a sense of doing a good job, of really being satisfied with whatever he did. In other words, the pattern is the result of the belief(s), and it would be virtually impossible to permanently change the pattern as long as the belief(s) existed. (There were several other beliefs and all of them had to be eliminated before the pattern disappeared totally.)

The Source of Beliefs

Once the belief is identified, the client is asked to say the words of the belief out loud to confirm that he actually does hold this belief. Then, the client is asked to look for the earliest circumstances or events that led him to form the belief. Fundamental beliefs about life and about oneself—for example, self-esteem-type beliefs—usually are formed before the age of six. For the most part they are based on interactions with our parents and other primary caretakers, if any. Beliefs in other areas of life, such as work and society, are formed at the time those areas of life are encountered.

Although the client usually can identify the relevant early events in five or ten minutes, at times he spends as much as half an hour recalling various events from his childhood. At some point he identifies the pattern of events that led him to form the belief in question. My experience with over 13,000 clients indicates that beliefs rarely are formed based on only one or two events. Usually a great many similar events are required.

When I asked this particular client the source of his belief, he described a childhood in which his mother was always telling him what to do and what not to do. Nothing he ever did was good enough for her. He never received any praise and was criticized a lot.

Don’t Invalidate a Client’s Beliefs

The next step is to have the client realize that his current belief was, in fact, a reasonable interpretation of his childhood circumstances and that most children probably would have reached a similar conclusion, given their experience and knowledge at that time in their life. Our beliefs are almost always a reasonable explanation for the events we observe at the time we observe them. Thus the client is never told that his beliefs are irrational or wrong.

Other Interpretations

The client then is asked to make up some additional interpretations of, or meanings for, the same earlier circumstances, which he hadn’t thought of at the time. In other words, the client as a child observed his mother doing and saying various things over a long period of time. The meaning he gave to the events was I’m not good enough. What the client is asked to do in the session is make up additional meanings or interpretations of his mother’s behavior.

To continue the illustration we’ve been using, other reasonable interpretations of his mother’s behavior could include:

· My mother thought I wasn’t good enough, but she was wrong.

· I wasn’t good enough as a child, but I might be when I grow up.

· I wasn’t good enough by my mother’s standards, but I might be by the standards of others.

· My mother is a very critical person and would act that way with everyone, whether they were good enough or not.

· My mother’s behavior with me had nothing to do with whether I was good enough or not; it was a function of my mother’s beliefs from her childhood.

· My mother’s behavior with me had nothing to do with whether I was good enough or not; it was a function of my mother’s parenting style.

Each of these statements is as reasonable a meaning for his mother’s behavior as the one he came up with as a child. The point here is not to convince the client that his belief is unreasonable, he just needs to realize that there are many different meanings, each one of which is logically consistent with the events he experienced.

Did You See It In The World?

Next the client was asked if, when he formed the belief as a child, it seemed as if he could see in the world that I’m not good enough. Because it feels as if we “discovered” or “viewed” our beliefs in the world, the answer is always, yes. It seemed to the client that every time his mother criticized him or failed to praise something he was proud of, he could “see” that he wasn’t good enough. He was so certain that his belief was out in the world to be seen that he said to me, “If you were there in my house, you would have seen it too.”

The distinction you want the client to make is between the events of his childhood, which have no inherent meaning, and the meaning he attributed to the events. The principles that underlie this distinction are: Events have no inherent meaning. There’s no meaning in the world. All meaning is in our minds. All beliefs are merely the meaning we assign to events.

The way to get the client to make that distinction is to then ask: “Is it clear, right now, that you never saw the belief in the world?”

In other words, you want the client to realize that he never did see that I’m not good enough. All he really saw was his mother’s statements and behaviors. I’m not good enough was only one interpretation of the events he actually did see.

After the client realized that he never really did see his belief in the world, I asked: “If you didn’t see I’m not good enough in the world, where has it been all these years?” He pointed to his head and replied: “In my mind.”

At this point I asked the client, did the events that led you to form the belief have a meaning before you gave them a meaning? Do they have an inherent meaning? It usually takes a short conversation before most clients really understand that events have no inherent meaning, that all meaning is in our mind.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK

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Eliminating Beliefs in Organizations

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:21:50 +0000

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You probably already know that The Lefkoe Method can improve your personal life. Did you also know that it can be used to improve your work environment?

Although the Lefkoe Institute is not doing much corporate work right now, we have helped over 10,000 employees from over 50 companies—ranging from Fortune 500 to small family owned businesses—to change their organizational beliefs and their individual beliefs about their jobs. As a result, those organizations were able to produce significant change and improved results. Here is a fascinating case history of how the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) was used effectively in one of those companies.

One small manufacturing company we helped a few years ago had a typical top-down managerial hierarchy, with the bosses making all the decisions and the workers doing little more than following orders. Morale was low. Results were only fair.

Our goal was to totally transform the way the company operated, with a focus on giving the workers a tremendous amount of authority to make day-to-day decisions, with the managers acting as support instead of as “bosses.”

We conducted workshops with all of the company’s employees during which each eliminated one personal belief and all eliminated a bunch of limiting beliefs about their company. We taught them how to use a simplified version of the LBP.

Within days many of the employees started making suggestions for improvements in the company. (Change beliefs and behavior changes effortlessly.) Supervisors were allowing workers to make more and more decisions on their own. A lot of excitement was generated; many of the changes workers suggested were instituted.

At this point Bob, the manager of a department of about thirty-five workers, went on vacation for a week. Two days after he left, Jean, one of the supervisors who reported to him, handled something in her own that everyone had agreed would be done by the workers. When Rick, one of the workers, complained to her, Jean said, in effect, “So what? I’m still the supervisor.” When Rick continued to protest, Jean took him to the Operations Manager’s office.

The other workers observed the heated argument and most of them concluded, “We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.”

The next week Bob returned from vacation to discover that morale and productivity had sunk to a new low, with virtually no suggestions or worker participation. What would most managers do in a situation like this? Talk to the supervisor involved in the altercation? Yes, but that in itself would have little effect on the other thirty-some workers. Talk to the workers individually and as a group, telling them that one incident isn’t really important and that the new era of openness and involvement will continue? Yes, but through what filter will anything the manager says be heard by the workers? “I hear what you’re saying, but you weren’t here last week, and you didn’t see with your own eyes as I did that ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.’”

Here’s what Bob actually did. He called a meeting of the department’s entire workforce and asked that someone explain exactly what happened while he was away. One of the workers described the incident between Jean and Rick. Bob thanked him and replied, “So most of you concluded, ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble.’ Right?”

A scattering of “Yeah” could be heard.

Bob continued, “That’s a reasonable conclusion, based on what happened between Jean and Rick. Right now, however, I’d like you to play a little game with me. It’s called Possibilities. I’d like you to tell me at least four or five other things that last week’s incident could possibly mean. I’m not trying to invalidate your conclusion, which is as good as any other we’ll find. I’d just like you to tell me what other interpretations might be possible?”

After a few minutes the answers started coming from the floor.
* It could mean that Jean hasn’t bought into our empowerment program, but all the other supervisors have.
* It could mean that Jean has it in for Rick, but she wouldn’t be a problem for any other worker.
* It could mean that Jean was having a bad day and she is as committed to the new empowerment program as anyone.
* It could mean that Jean is willing to delegate most of her work except for the job involved in last week’s problem.

After several more responses, Bob said, “Can you see that what most of you concluded—‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble’—is only one valid interpretation of what happened, but that a number of other explanations are just as valid?”

Heads started nodding up and down.

He continued, “Didn’t it seem last week when Jean and Larry were arguing that you could see right here on the factory floor, ‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble?’”

One worker yelled out, “If you had been here, Bob, you’d have seen it too!”

Bob smiled. “Did you really see that? If you did, I’d like to know, was it on the wall or the floor? Was it red or green, striped or polka-dotted? Big or small?” Bob waited a few seconds … “Or did you just see Rick and Jean arguing, and the only place—‘We’re back where we started. Nothing has really changed. If you speak up you get into trouble’—has ever been is in your mind, as an interpretation of what you really did see?” They got the point.

Bob turned to Rick. “By the way, what happened when you went to the Operations Manager’s office with Jean?”

“He told us to work it out ourselves,” Rick answered.

Bob turned back to the group. “Anything else?” He saw a lot of sheepish grins. “Let’s go to work.”

In most companies, hardly a day goes by that some employees don’t observe something and then reach a conclusion that negatively affects their behavior from then on. Usually their manager will try to change their behavior using Information + Motivation. (See my blog post, http://mortylefkoe.com/111009, on why that doesn’t work.) Sometimes if the belief surfaces—“So-and-so can’t be trusted” or “That new plan will never work”—the Lefkoe Belief Process (or a variation) can be used easily, with one employee at a time or with a large group, just as Bob did.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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People don’t resist change

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:57:38 +0000

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Do you think people resist change? … Most people answer with an emphatic: “Yes.”

I don’t think people resist change at all.

To which you might respond: “Well if people don’t resist change, why do most people not change when given reason to change?”

Good question. Here’s my answer: Imagine that you had been doing something a certain way for a long time and you believed that you were doing it the right way. Now imagine that I come along and tell you not to do that way any more. I give you a lot of reasons and I promise a lot of benefits if you stop doing it your way and start doing it my way.

No matter how persuasive I might be, you and most other people probably wouldn’t change their behavior. “Okay,” you reply, “that just proves that people resist change.” Not necessarily. Think about what I just said.

If you think what you are doing is right and I am telling you to do something else, what does it sound like I am asking you to do? … It would seem to you that I was telling you to do something wrong. Think about that.

We don’t resist doing something new or different—in other words, we don’t resist change. We resist doing what we think is wrong. When you really get this distinction, you will understand something about human behavior that most professionals in the training business still don’t understand.

This is a different way of looking at something I’ve written about before. Information and motivation do not change behavior because behavior is driven by beliefs. If you want to change behavior, change the beliefs that drive any given behavior—such as procrastination, yelling, etc.—and the behavior will change.

Here’s a real life example. Many managers are reluctant to give their hourly employees the freedom to make decisions on their own, despite overwhelming evidence that some of the best ideas in many companies come from the hourly employees.

If such managers believe they know what needs to be done and the people they manage do not, then how they manage is right. Asking their employees to think for themselves is wrong. Change the belief and you change how a manager manages.

If people were generally resistant to change, then there would be little if anything we could do about it. But if people don’t change because they believe what they are doing is right and what you (or others) want is wrong, then we are now in a position to produce change in individuals and in the world by helping people realize that their beliefs are not “the truth.” (Can you see that all political arguments are nothing more than conflicting beliefs? Consider: Global warming. How to deal with the economy. The failure in the educational system. Health care.)

How do you know someone’s belief isn’t “the truth”? Because all beliefs are only “a truths,” the meaning we give to meaningless events. (This becomes experientially real for people when they use the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate a belief.)

What appears to be widespread resistance to change is nothing more than people acting consistently with their beliefs. When people change their beliefs, change occurs naturally and effortlessly.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Do we need to create new beliefs?

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:59:12 +0000

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“The Lefkoe Method is very effective at eliminating negative beliefs. But why don’t you replace them with positive beliefs?”

This is a very common question so I decided to devote this week’s post to answering it.

For many years we did attempt to “install” positive beliefs—the opposite of the “negative” belief that was eliminated—for example, I am good enough for I’m not good enough and relationships do work for relationships don’t work.

Although the new belief felt true at the moment for most clients, it usually didn’t feel true when we checked a week or two later. In other words, despite using several different methods to install the new beliefs, it usually didn’t work.

Is it Possible to Consciously Create New Beliefs?

Here’s why I think it is very difficult to have someone consciously create a new belief and then really believe it. A belief is the meaning we have given meaningless events in reality. When we do that it seems (for a visual person) that we can actually see that meaning in the world. It is the truth. You aren’t trying to convince yourself that the meaning is true; it is true for you. For a kinesthetic person, once you give a meaning to events, those events make you feel that meaning every time the events occur. Again, you aren’t trying to feel something; you can’t help but feel it.

This is the automatic process that occurs when you initially create a belief unconsciously. But it is very different when you consciously say the words: I am good enough or relationships do work—and hope that you will really believe the words you’ve uttered. You are saying it more like an affirmation, as something you want to be true, rather than as something you think you can see in the world (which would mean it must be true). Even looking at recent events that could validate the new belief wasn’t consistently effective.

We also tried having clients create the new positive belief after they had gotten into the “creator” space (after using the Who Am I Really? Process). I never kept records, but I’m not sure that this worked much better.

You Don’t Need “Positive” Beliefs

I never looked for additional techniques that might enable people to get the new beliefs to “stick” because I decided early on that it was more important for people to realize they were the creator of their lives, than they were a “healthier or better creation.”

Let me explain. I commonly use the words “negative” and “limiting” as descriptions of certain beliefs. In fact, however, beliefs aren’t negative or positive they are neutral. They result in certain feelings and behavior. If you like what they produce, you could say the beliefs are “positive,” but only because you arbitrarily like their manifestation.

Moreover, all beliefs are limiting by their very nature. You are what you believe you are (for you) and anything else is absolutely not true (not possible). Your beliefs about people and life also create boxes; what’s outside the boxes literally does not exist for you. (If you believe relationships always work or never work, you will interpret all relationships through that filter and no matter what you see couples do or don’t do, you will interpret it consistently with your belief. For you, relationships inconsistent with your beliefs cannot exist.)

Live As The Creator, Not a “Better” Creation

I concluded that it was more important to live as the creator of your life (as the sculptor) rather than as any specific creation (as a specific piece of sculpture). In the altered state of consciousness produced by the Who Am I Really? Process, you have no limitations and anything is possible.

So even if it were possible to install a new belief, I don’t think it would be particularly useful. If you have used the WAIR? Process (which is attached at the end of the free belief-elimination processes and is available in all of our belief-elimination programs), you know that it feels as if anything is possible and that you have no limitations. Next time you get in that space, ask yourself if the opposite of the beliefs you’ve eliminated feels true for you. In that space they will, whether you experience them as true in day-to-day life or not. In that altered state, you feel whole, complete, and okay just the way you are. You feel good enough, important, and loveable.

My advice to those of you who are interested in forming positive beliefs, use the WAIR? Process daily. Get into an altered state every day. And it won’t be long before it gets easy to have that experience of yourself even when you aren’t using the WAIR? Process. Wouldn’t you rather experience yourself as the creator of your life than as a “better” creation?

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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Why Should I Eliminate A Belief?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:58:08 +0000

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Every once in a while after someone asks me what I do and I reply, “I help people eliminate beliefs,” I am asked: “Why would I want to eliminate a belief?”

There are at least good four answers to that question, which I will describe in this blog post. If you would like to improve the quality of your life and increase your range of possibilities, I think you will find this discussion very useful.

1. Virtually all the problems you have in life, behavioral or emotional, stem mainly from your beliefs (and sometimes some conditioning). So if you want to get rid of problems, you need to eliminate the relevant beliefs. Beliefs cause serious problems such as depression, eating disorders, and chronic anxiety, and common problems such as procrastination, relationship issues, and doing things just to get people’s approval.

Getting rid of the relevant beliefs may not be the only way to get rid of such problems, but it certainly is one of simplest and fastest ways. In this situation, getting rid of beliefs is not an end in itself, but a means to a very desirable end.

2. A second reason to eliminate a belief is to be able to use the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process to create and experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being) in a matter of minutes. Such a shift typically requires years of meditation. Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) assists people to make that shift in less than 30 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter.

After using the WAIR? Process, people generally say that they experience nothing is missing, anything is possible, and they have no limitations. When asked to describe this experience in their own words, people say: powerful, serene, calm, peaceful, whole, complete, satisfied, empowered, nothing missing, no limitations and unlimited possibilities.

Because the WAIR? Process requires that you have eliminated at least one belief with the LBP in order for it to work, the incredible value of the state change it produces is a second good reason for eliminating a belief.

3. The first two reasons for eliminating beliefs are a means to another end. The third reason for eliminating a belief is an end in itself: We literally create new possibilities in our lives—a brand new reality—by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Let me give you an example. Assume you had the beliefs: I’m not loveable. Relationships don’t work. Men/women can’t be trusted.

With these beliefs, what are the possibilities that you could have a really good, nurturing, long-term romantic relationship? … Slim to nil, right?

Now let’s assume you use the LBP to completely eliminate those beliefs. Can you see you have just created the possibility of a good, nurturing, long-term relationship that literally didn’t exist before? There is no guarantee you will ever find such a relationship, but the possibility exists now that didn’t exist before.

This is one of the most powerful consequences of eliminating beliefs: You not only change your behavior and feelings, you actually change the reality you live in.

Let me remind you of something I wrote in an earlier blog post to make this idea completely clear. Let’s assume you held the following beliefs: You have to work hard to make money. I’m not deserving. I’ll never have enough money. /There is never enough money. Money is a struggle. Life is difficult. Your reality with these beliefs does not include the possibility of acquiring wealth easily, if at all. Without those beliefs the possibility comes into existence.

The possibilities that exist in your reality are defined by your beliefs. When you say something is impossible it actually becomes impossible for you. If you believe Life is difficult, you will experience things not going the way you wanted them to go as upsetting obstacles rather than exciting opportunities. If you believe I’m not capable or I’m not competent, would you likely try to do something you weren’t sure you could do? And if you tried, do you think you would succeed with these beliefs?

Imagine that each belief you hold is like a circle and you are limited to the behavior and feelings that are present in that circle. Anything outside the circle is not possible for you. In the illustration below, your range of possibilities is represented by the black space inside the circle.

When you have more than one belief, the other beliefs overlap each other, making the space available to you smaller and smaller as the number of beliefs increase.

In this illustration your range of possibilities is represented by the small black area in the middle. Imagine further that each of these three overlapping boxes represents one of the three relationship beliefs I listed above. Can you see that these three beliefs leave you very few possibilities for a nurturing, long-term relationship?

Now imagine eliminating these beliefs one at a time. Can you see that the space of possibilities increases as each belief is eliminated?

When all the beliefs are gone, you are no longer limited to the space inside the circles because there are no more circles. Every possibility outside the circles that had been unavailable to you before is now available and the space of possibilities becomes infinite. In other words, there are no self-imposed limitations remaining.

Shelly likes to use the metaphor of a room full of furniture. Each piece of furniture represents a belief, so if the room is full of chairs, tables, and sofas, there is virtually no room to move around. And you can’t get to the door to leave the room. Each piece of furniture (each belief) that you remove gives you more possibilities for movement. And when the last piece of furniture is removed, you gain access to the door and can leave the room. At which point there are no restrictions on your movement at all.

I have used the term “limiting beliefs” in the past. In fact all beliefs are limitations in that you are limited to that which is consistent with that belief and anything inconsistent is impossible. To use a silly example, if you believe Everything always works out for me, you do not have the possibility of things not working out for you, which could rob you of the ability to make mistakes and learn from them or learn how to transcend difficult situations. This may not be a belief you want to eliminate, but it still is a “limitation.”

I could devote an entire blog post to a discussion of this point. Suffice to say, as you eliminate beliefs, you increase possibilities in your life.

Notice that you don’t have to do anything (other than eliminate the belief) in order to create a new possibility and literally change your reality. Your reality changes automatically after the belief(s) has been eliminated.

4. In addition to changes in an individual’s life that result from eliminating beliefs, organizational change and social change also can be effected by eliminated the beliefs that govern those areas.

When I do workshops for CEOs I tell them that the biggest barrier their organization faces is not in the world (competition, government, costs, etc.), but in the minds of their employees.

For example, if most of the people in a company believe that something is impossible—such as outsourcing, raising capital, finding qualified new employees, or reaching a certain sales or earnings target—that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, because the employees will operate according to a reality consistent with their beliefs. If something is impossible, there is no sense in trying to do it.

In my blog post on November 17, 2009, I showed how the health care system that exists today is a function of a series of beliefs and how changing the system totally will be virtually impossible without eliminating those beliefs. I also showed how if those beliefs are eliminated and new beliefs created in their place, the health care system will change naturally to be consistent with those new beliefs.

I look forward to the day when people become so clear of the importance of beliefs that everyone learns about them in school, parents realize that their job is to help their children form positive beliefs, and social and organizational change is effected by changing the existing beliefs.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How Relationships Are Affected By Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:37:19 +0000

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“Why don’t you have a belief-elimination package that will help me get or improve my relationship?” we are asked regularly. Most of the eight packages we offer will significantly improve your sense of yourself, which obviously will help you improve your relationships, but none of the existing packages deals specifically with relationships.

We aren’t holding out on you. If we could create such a package, we would. But let me explain why it is so difficult to create a relationship package (at least given our ability to create pre-recorded belief-elimination packages right now).

The programs we currently have—such as procrastination, worrying what people think of you, lack of self-confidence, and stress—are caused by roughly the same beliefs for everyone. Each problem is very specific and the beliefs that cause it are the same for about 90% of the people with the problem.

A relationship problem, however, can be different for different people. For example, you can be shy and afraid to approach someone for a date, or if approached feel uncomfortable about talking to the person approaching you.

Or you can have a problem initiating a conversation or keeping one going when on a date. Or once you are in a relationship you can sabotage it. Or stay in a bad one despite it not working. Or leave as soon as it gets difficult and never really trying to make it work. Unfortunately, there are numerous ways you can screw up a relationship.

As a result we would need at least 10 different relationship packages, each with different relationship beliefs (anywhere from 5-20). And some beliefs would show up in several different programs and some would be unique to each program.

Take a look at just some of the beliefs that could negatively affect relationships that you might have (in addition to the negative self-esteem beliefs that underlie almost any relationship problem) to get a sense of what I mean. I’ve listed over 30 and there are even more that show up from time to time.

Men/women can’t be trusted.

Men/women are unfeeling/controlling/unreliable/unpredictable/emotionally unavailable/always cheat on their partner/etc.)

Relationships are difficult/don’t last/don’t work/are suffocating/etc.

The type of man/woman I would want wouldn’t want me.

I’m unattractive.

I’m too heavy.

Men don’t want heavy women.

I’m not what men/women want.

I have to be thin to have a man want me.

I’ll never get what I want.

Men have all the power.

There are no good men out there; they’re all taken.

Women/men are evil.

Men/women are selfish.

If I don’t take care of myself no one else will.

The way to survive is to always be in control.

The way to have power is to control and dominate.

Nothing good lasts.

If I get into a relationship, I’ll be abandoned/smothered.

To be in a relationship I have to sacrifice myself/what I want.

What makes me good enough is working hard/achieving/being successful/having a lot of money. (These beliefs will keep you at the office and away from your partner.)

Anger is dangerous.

Confrontation is dangerous.

It’s dangerous to express my feelings.

Any man/woman who would want me, I wouldn’t want.

It is highly unlikely that anyone would hold all these beliefs, but depending on which ones you do hold, different relationship problems would show up.

As I mentioned earlier, our negative self-esteem beliefs also inhibit nurturing long-term relationships. If you think, I’m not lovable/good enough/worthy, you are unlikely to think that others could find you lovable/good enough/worthy. And what if you believe Life is difficult or I’ll never get what I want? Or, No one is interested in what I have to say, I don’t matter, or What I want/think/feel doesn’t matter?

The inability to form a nurturing and lasting relationship and the inability to make an existing relationship work are the result of beliefs, just like any other problem. But because there are so many difficult types of relationship problems, we can’t (at least at present) offer an on-line or DVD program. In our one-on-one phone or Skype sessions we are able to pinpoint the exact nature of your relationship issue and then help you identify and eliminate the specific beliefs causing that problem.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and provide a link from your own website or blog to this page.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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What Makes The Lefkoe Method Unique

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:01:42 +0000

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Last week I sent an email to my entire mailing list asking you for feedback about what makes our work unique. Specifically I asked you: “How have we helped you in a way no one else has? What have we done for you that other programs may have overlooked?”

Because I think our work is unique I wanted to find out if you agreed. I also wanted to use your words to describe The Lefkoe Method in the future.

I promised to read every comment and respond to your answers in a future blog post. Thank you for the avalanche of responses. I never thought so many of you would respond. Here is a very small sample of what you said along with my response:

“I especially like how simple and powerfully you put the viewer in a ‘logic box’ that can only lead him/her to one conclusion: that he/she is ultimately responsible and powerful in their creation of beliefs. The most effective thing I’ve seen in studying positive motivation and success theories so far. Such a breakthrough that I shall continue to recommend to others…. You rock.”

“Found your program unique in the sense it simplifies the approach to eliminate limited or dis-empowering beliefs. We realize that beliefs are our choices and can be changed to make them more empowering. Thanks for your innovative communication style.”

“There is plenty of literature and videos on the Law of Attraction but only a few of them address the issue of your subconscious filtering/altering the thoughts you generate. They come to the point of saying – so beware of what your subconscious beliefs are. Period. I’ve come across only one system that addresses the resolution of those beliefs in a ‘no-gimmics’ kinda way. And that’s the Lefkoe method. Mankind thanks you.”

“Then you said, somewhere, that ‘Anything only has meaning when we give it meaning.’ A searchlight blasted on in my soul. I had been trying to say that my entire professional career. But it was your words that put it right, that is, accurately, for me. Again, I say you have helped me immensely. Thank you.”

“Morty, thanks to you I know the power of beliefs and how they impact every word we say and every action we take. When we have mostly positive beliefs about life, success & what not, then life becomes like a harmonious play where we can just step into our greatness with ease and joy. I’ll never underestimate the power of beliefs again.”

“Morty, I think the big difference is that your process goes one or two critically important steps further than any other form of therapy. The first is that you don’t stop at simply remembering where a belief or limitation came from (childhood) but you lead the client to take complete ownership of their belief so that they can stop reenacting that belief in their life and they can stop blaming the parent (or anyone else) and as a result, there is an experience of freedom and great relief. The other critically important step is recognizing that you are the creator of your life and therefore, are the creator. This leaves the client totally empowered to self-coach when other survival patterns show up later on.”

“1. You care. Even though it is an ‘artificial’ program and I am not directly meeting you in person I sense and feel your caring and personal touch. …

2. You believe. …

3. You are Honest and have a higher sense of integrity. …

4. You are open to both negative and positive feedback and give a lifetime money back guarantee.”

“First of all, thank you for creating this process! … What, for me, makes your approach unique and special from the methods all those other good folks use to transform limiting beliefs, is this:

(1) Your method is FUN and EASY to do! Almost like going along with an episode of one’s favorite cartoon, and participating in it!

(2) Your method is COMPLETE, what in science is called necessary and sufficient: it is what you must do, and all you have to do. …

(3) Your method contains THREE necessary elements: understanding, experience, and the all important FELT-SHIFT.

(4) Your method is DEEP: only when the approach is deep enough can you get at the root cause. Only then can change be permanent and can one achieve true knowing, Gnosis. …”

“The thing you have delivered that no one else before ever had to me was permanency of transformation. All the other systems, the ones that worked, involved something that you had to do over and over without slipping, maybe for the rest of one’s life. Now, the only reason I’m using The Lefkoe Method over and over again is that I keep discovering new beliefs to eliminate – and each time leaves me stronger and more free.”

“Most importantly I was given a practical tool on how to bust certain beliefs. No other personal development resource has given me such a tool. I use the Lefkoe Method daily.”

“No other system, method or approach has ever really worked despite many years of attending to this knotty issue of; ‘how to effectively and permanently resolve unwanted beliefs?’ Your process works by taking a hidden subconscious issue and bringing it present into the consciousness of the individual in such a smooth and delightful way it is undeniable and therefore quite real! … Clarity is regained, energy is released and stuck attention is freed up. Energy abounds and happiness is restored. Truly this is one of the most important breakthroughs in mental technology ever innovated – my fondest hope is that the whole world will avail itself of this magnificent discovery!”

“You put things very simply and in a visual way. The almost child-like simplicity of the videos is very appealing and memorable. … You have consistently asked for feedback. You have not pressurised me to buy your products, which is always off-putting.”

“You’ve given me another view of things Morty. I like the logic and re framing of your arguments. I’ve gone through the free belief busting you’ve published and I look forward to experiencing more when I buy the whole program.”

“I just had no real comprehension how powerful and limiting beliefs can be and more importantly, some effective processes to use to get past them. Now that I’m aware of them, I am constantly asking ‘What is the belief behind this behaviour?’ – with coachees, my kids, my partner, my parents and myself. Your process has assisted me greatly in finding more effective solutions. Your work is so enlightening.”

I am thrilled that so many of you recognize my deep commitment to make a real difference in your lives and that you have gotten so much value from my programs. My life was so difficult for so many years that when I created the Lefkoe Belief Process (the first of the many processes that now make up The Lefkoe Method) I couldn’t wait to make it available to others so that they would have the same tools I had to fix up their lives.

And I am doubly thrilled that The Lefkoe Method is making such a profound difference in so many lives. Over 100,000 people visited our free belief site in its first year of operation, with about 35,000 signing up to eliminate at least one belief free.

Our goal at the Lefkoe Institute is to have at least 500,000 visit our site by the end of 2010, with at least 200,000 eliminating at least one belief and experiencing themselves as the creator of their lives. That would be the best Christmas present I could possibly have a year from now.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving (if you are in a part of the world that celebrates it).

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

An Effective Health Care System Requires New Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:05:00 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Once you understand the power that beliefs have to shape behavior and limit possibilities, you can begin to see why so many of society’s problems seem insoluble. Societal beliefs prevent change in society just like individual beliefs prevent change in individuals.

For example, if you have the belief Relationships don‘t work, your options are limited. You can avoid relationships altogether, not work very hard to make them work because you already know they won’t, not leave a bad relationship because you’ll never find a better one, and so on. But a long-term loving and nurturing relationship is not a viable option with that belief.

Just like your range of possibilities is a function of your beliefs, so the range of possibilities for any social institution is a function of its beliefs.

Let’s take a look. Virtually everyone agrees that the existing health care system doesn’t work, even though there are a number of conflicting theories about why and what should be done. What’s wrong? Insurance premiums are rising faster than the ability of millions of people to pay. Tens of millions of people aren’t covered by any insurance at all. An increasing percentage of our national income is being spent on medical care. People with preexisting conditions can’t get insurance. People who can’t pay aren’t getting the medical treatment they need. Corporations can’t afford the rising premium costs. In other words, the health care system is broken!

Many solutions have been proposed but none seem to resolve all the problems, and some proposed solutions create new problems. Why can’t we seem to find a way to create a health care system that works for all concerned?

If you imagine beliefs as a box that limits us—where we can only act consistently with what’s inside the box and what’s outside the box is virtually impossible because it is inconsistent with the beliefs—then there is no real solution to the health care crisis given the widely accepted beliefs about health care.

What are some of those beliefs? For over a hundred years the health care system has been built on these and similar beliefs:

* Health care should focus on eliminating symptoms and disease.
* Body and mind are considered separate; psychosomatic illness is mental and may be referred to a psychiatrist. Mental phenomena are irrelevant in treating most physical illnesses.
* The body is a machine in good or bad repair. The primary intervention should be with drugs and surgery.
* The focus should be on treatment of symptoms.
* The patient is dependent. The professional is the authority.

In recent years some major medical institutions (such as the Cleveland Clinic and the Mayo Clinic) and millions of individuals have rejected at least some of these beliefs. But these are exceptions, not the rule. It is news that one-third of the U.S. population has tried some form of “alternative” treatment in the past year.

For the medical profession as a whole, for insurance companies, and for most people, these beliefs underlie their interactions with the health care system and their attempts to improve it.

Because the beliefs I listed above still rule the health care system, preventative medicine, the mind-body connection, and treating people instead of symptoms are “outside the box.” Notice how these practices are described: they are “alternative medicine.” In other words, they are an alternative to accepted practice.

When the beliefs that govern the health care system change, new possibilities will open up and a new health care system will evolve, eliminating the problems that cannot be solved in the current “box.”

How can we do that? With a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process that can be used to create new possibilities for any social institution:

1. Identify the beliefs that are responsible for the current behavior.

2. Discover the source of those beliefs and realize that the beliefs made sense given the circumstances at the time.

3. Recognize that the beliefs—the meaning given to the circumstances—are a valid way to understand and deal with those specific circumstances. In other words, if the circumstances had been different, we would have formed different beliefs. Our conclusions are “a truth” for a specific time, not “the truth” for all times.

4. Take a look at today’s circumstances. Notice that it’s very different. Create new beliefs as the best way to understand and deal with today’s circumstances. Our answers are still not “the truth,” but “a truth”—only the best answers for today.

5. Because we now have a new set of beliefs, we also have many new possibilities that didn’t even exist before. Given our new beliefs about the social institution, what should everyone connected with it do?

Let’s apply these five steps to the health care system.

Step 1: Identify the beliefs that underlie today’s health care system. (See chart below.)

Step 2: What is the source of those beliefs?

There is not enough space in this blog post to describe the source of all these beliefs, but here is a very brief summary.

Descartes, the seventeenth-century French philosopher, taught that everything in the material universe was a machine, including human beings. He claimed that the human body reflected the machinelike characteristics of the universe itself—machinelike bodies inhabiting a machinelike world. He argued, therefore, that disease was a disorder of the mechanism; the machine was broken. Descartes devised what became known as the scientific or reductionist method: To learn about the complex, study the simple. Learn about a germ and eventually you learn about the disease associated with it.

A medical theory that supported Descartes’ general scientific approach was the theory of specific etiology: an identifiable microorganism causes every disease or infection.

In their book The Healer Within, Steven Locke and Norman Colligan describe the medical advances that flowed from these two theories:

“In 1906 researchers used Koch’s discovery of the tuberculin bacillus to develop a vaccine for the disease. In 1911 researchers developed a special arsenic compound, Salvarsan, which effectively treated many forms of syphilis. In the 1920s insulin was isolated, and insulin injections were extending the lifetimes of diabetic patients. In the 1930s, sulfa drugs appeared, and with them cures for bacterial pneumonia, meningitis, gonorrhea, and urinary tract infections. By the 1940s, the sulfa drugs were largely replaced by even more potent drugs, the antibiotics, made possible by the discovery of penicillin. It seemed that there was no disease that medical science could not handle.”

The biomedical approach resulted in physicians focusing more on diseases than on the patients who had the diseases. This trend was exacerbated by advances in medical technology, an early example of which was the stethoscope in 1819. Locke and Colligan write that diagnostic technologies “further reinforced the image of the patient as an object of study. By the turn of the century, doctors had tests for tuberculosis, diphtheria, typhoid, cholera, and syphilis. Soon after came the X-ray, the electrocardiogram, the electroencephalogram, and blood tests. The patient became less and less a fellow human being with an illness and more and more an amalgam of medical data.”

Step 3: The beliefs made sense given the circumstances at the time.

So where did physicians (and their patients) get the belief that the source of most illness and disease was an invading microorganism or a malfunction of the body/machine and that the influence of the mind was irrelevant? From their experience over several decades. As Locke and Colligan put it, “For most of the history of modern medicine this biomedical approach has dominated the philosophy of science for the best of all reasons: it worked.”
So where did physicians (and their patients) get the idea that a doctor’s job was to diagnose an illness and treat it, as opposed to dealing with a whole person who had a body and a mind? Again, from their experience in dealing with the world. Their conclusion was not illogical or invalid. It made sense. Their interpretation fit most of the available evidence.

The problem was that the medical establishment as a whole (with some exceptions) and most patients considered this conclusion an absolute fact—“the truth” rather than “a truth”—the only accurate description of illness and how the body worked, then and forever. Once the belief was formed, they became blinded to new evidence that was incompatible with their beliefs.

Step 4: Take a look at today’s circumstances.

It is clear that we now live in a world that is very different from the one we inhabited a century ago, a world in which there is irrefutable scientific evidence of a mind-body connection, evidence that existed only anecdotally during the years that the paradigm for modern medicine was being created.

The current paradigm is at variance with the new medical reality, as Dr. Larry Dossey (Beyond Illness) points out:

“What is the success of modern medicine? What can it do? These are the questions in need of answers in the debate . . . . The fact is that for the majority of patients who see physicians, the likeliest diagnosis is some type of psychosomatic or stress disorder. And regrettably, it is in this area—the area from which most patients suffer—that modern medicine is not at its best . . . . Actual studies show that three-fourths of all illnesses brought to physicians are self-limiting (that is, will go away without medical treatment). And of the remaining one-fourth, in only about half of the cases is medicine dramatically helpful.”

None of this is meant to denigrate physicians or modern medicine. The only point I’m making here is that what we observe when we look at what is known about health and illness today is vastly different from what we observed a century or so ago when the current medical model was being formed.

Today’s strategies are a function of an institution’s group of beliefs, which in turn were designed to be an appropriate response to a specific environment that existed when it was created. If today’s environment is significantly different, can you see that neither the current strategies nor the current beliefs can work for today? That neither are “the truth”?

Step 5: It’s fitting to ask: If we originally formed a set of beliefs and a course of action that was based on a careful analysis of the environment as it existed then, why don’t we do the same today?

Notice in the above chart that for the most part the existing beliefs generate questions and strategies about illness, especially how professionals can make people better after they get sick, usually using such “mechanical” aids as drugs or surgery. Can you see that the beliefs constituting one possible new set of beliefs lead to questions and strategies about a state of wellness, emphasizing prevention, involving the patient as well as the professional, and using the patient’s internal resources as a significant aid?

Each new belief opens up new possibilities for strategies and solutions. Experts in each field can provide better solutions than I can, and many already have. What’s been missing is the acceptance of a paradigm that allows solutions outside the existing one. Once people realize that the existing beliefs are “a truth,” not “the truth,” and view the alternative beliefs presented here as another “a truth,” one that is more appropriate for today, new health care and wellness strategies will be devised and implemented widely, not just in isolated situations.

Perpetuating outdated beliefs makes it impossible to resolve the problems of society. As Seaborn Blair once said, “Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change his mind.” Why don’t we want to change our minds? Because we are convinced that our beliefs are “the truth.”

Our only hope for resolving the myriad problems that confront us today and really improving the state of the world is to change our minds. If we are to create a society that really works for everyone, we must get unstuck from our existing beliefs and open our minds to alternative ones.

The Lefkoe Belief Process is one effective way to do that.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where it came from.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/lefkoeinstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Why Self-Help Often Doesn’t Work … And What Does

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:52:52 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

How many times have you attended a personal growth workshop, or listened to a self-help audio course, or viewed a set of DVDs designed to change your life? Given the type of people who usually read my blog, probably most of you.

And how many times did you get a high when you completed the program … that dissipated shortly, leaving you almost where you were before you started? Based on what many of you have told me, an awful lot of you.

Why don’t these courses that usually offer such valuable information produce lasting change? Based on everything we know about change, they should.

But what if our assumption about what produces change is wrong?

The presumption implicit in most attempts to change behavior is: Information (I) + Motivation (M) = Change. This makes perfect sense to most people who are trying to producer change, whether they are psychotherapists, training professionals, parents, or committed individuals. If you know what to do and how to do it, and if you are motivated (positively or negatively), isn’t that all you need to take the appropriate action?

Obviously not, since the formula of I + M = C doesn’t seem work a lot of the time. If it did, everyone would wear seat belts, which they don’t. Everyone would keep New Year’s resolutions, instead of letting them go after a couple of weeks. People suffering from cardiovascular disease would adopt low-fat, low-cholesterol diets. Corporate training programs would be far more effective in changing worker behavior.

Let’s take a simple example. Say you’re a procrastinator. You always leave work projects until the last minute. As a result, you’re anxious much of the time and sometimes you turn projects in late, which subjects you to the disapproval of your boss. In fact, he tells you, “I’d like to consider you for a promotion and a raise, but I can’t as long as you continue to deliver projects late.”

Making Plans To Change

You decide you must change and you really want to change. So what do you do?

*You prioritize your activities, assuming that it will help you focus on the most important projects.
* You make a schedule that helps you allot time during the month for work on the most important projects.
* You put up reminders in prominent places.
* You create rewards to give yourself when you finish a project—a special dinner or a new item of clothing.
* You ask your friends to support you.

So now you’ve gathered all the information and resources you need to get your projects done on time. And you have several strong reasons for doing it: a possible promotion, a raise, your boss’s approval, and an alleviation of your constant anxiety.

Does It Work?

But be honest! After you’ve done all this, plus all the other variations you’ve discovered, does the behavior pattern really change? Does the I + M = C formula enable you to do what you say you are going to do? And if it does today, does it continue to be easy month after month? For most of us, the answer is no. (If you think this isn’t a valid assumption, consider all the times you’ve committed to some change in your life, buttressed by Information + Motivation, but for some inexplicable reason you failed to follow through.)

Let’s look at another example of how I + M = C is ineffective in helping people change their behavior and emotions.

Imagine you attended a workshop, or read a book, or purchased some CDs and DVDs telling you what you have to do to have a great relationship. Now you know exactly what you need to do.

*You must honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings.

*You must listen from your partner’s point of view.

*You must “get” your partner’s communication, in other words, get that what your partner is saying is true for him/her whether or not you happen to agree.

*Focus on what you can do to improve the relationship instead of assuming all the problems are the result of your partner.

You now know what to do and you are motivated.

But months go by and nothing improves despite your best efforts. You are still withholding some of your thoughts and feelings. You still feel your partner is at fault for most of your difficulties. Etc.

Why isn’t I + M = C working?

Maybe because you still have the beliefs: It’s dangerous to express my feelings. My feelings aren’t important. No one is interested in what I have to say. Men/women can’t be trusted. Relationships are difficult. And so on.

Maybe because the formula of I + M = C never deals with beliefs, so lasting change isn’t possible. I + M = C isn’t enough to change emotional and behavioral patterns because the beliefs that cause them haven’t been eliminated.

Beliefs are nothing more than thoughts we have about reality that we are convinced are “the truth.” They are, for us, accurate statements about reality. Therefore your beliefs mold your behavior, your emotions, and your attitudes.

So if the personal growth material you’ve tried hasn’t produced lasting change, you now know why. You were informed and motivated, but you never eliminated the beliefs that necessitate the existing behavior you want to change.

Now that you know that your beliefs determine your life, you are where I was in January 1985: excited to have found the explanation for my inability to change my behavior and feelings—yet not knowing how to get rid of my limiting beliefs.

And then I found a way to eliminate those beliefs—quickly, easily, and permanently. And my life was changed forever. And now you can eliminate your limiting beliefs and change your life forever too.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

Did I Really Eliminate a Belief?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:41:20 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

During the past few weeks we have been conducting a little study to determine how effective our free on-line belief-elimination program is.

We know from our one-on-one sessions that The Lefkoe Method is effective with about 90% of the people who use it. We’ve been offering a money-back guarantee to people who come to us to get rid of their fear of public speaking and only about 10% of the almost 2,000 clients who had that problem have requested a refund. And in informal follow-ups with clients who come to us with other problems at least nine out of ten clients continue to describe significant changes in their lives months later.

But from blog comments and emails from people who eliminated one or more beliefs on our free belief-elimination site, it seemed that the effectiveness rate was much lower.

So we conducted a study and asked people to click one of three links at the end of the process that eliminated a free belief. Here’s what we found. Belief was eliminated: 44%. Not sure if belief was eliminated: 44%. Belief was not eliminated: 14%.

This result was totally inconsistent with our experience with clients in one-on-one sessions. The 14% who said the belief was still there was close to our experience. But the number who were convinced the belief was gone was only about half of our experience. So we asked people who participated in the study if they were willing to be interviewed so we could solve this mystery.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone for the past few days talking to people who had clicked the “not sure” button, and here’s what I discovered.

What I Just Did Is Impossible

Almost all of the people I spoke to said that the words of the belief felt different at the end of the Lefkoe Belief process, but they just couldn’t tell if the belief was “really eliminated.” Almost all of them said something like: I didn’t expect it to work so quickly after having the belief so long.

I then asked, “Do you have the belief: Change is difficult and takes a long time?” They all answered, yes. The mystery was getting solved. They had the belief that what they had just done (totally getting rid of a belief they had lived with since childhood) was impossible.

That reminded me of what I had discovered during the University of Arizona research study with subjects who had a fear of public speaking. After they eliminated all the beliefs and conditionings that usually cause a fear of public speaking, I would ask them to imagine a talk in the future and to rate their level of fear on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no fear at all and 10 being terror. (The average for all the subjects at the start of the study was 7.) Most of the subjects said 2-4. Given the beliefs (and conditionings) they had eliminated, they should have said 1-2.

As I talked to the study subjects and asked a lot of questions, I started hearing comments like: Well, I can’t expect to get rid of a fear I’ve lived with for a lifetime in just a few hours.

So I added one more belief to the list of beliefs we used with the subjects: Change is difficult and takes a long time. After the subjects eliminated that belief (along with the others) the level of imagined fear dropped to 1-2. (That, by the way, was also the level they reported after they actually delivered a speech in public.)

Do I Feel The Belief in Real Life Situations?

The next thing I discovered from my phone interviews was that people were testing whether or not the belief was true by looking into their lives to check, which is one useful way to check.

Unfortunately, instead of imagining events in the future to see if the belief still seemed to be there, people were recalling events in the past when they felt the belief.

Because the belief actually did exist in the past, it felt to many people as if the belief was not gone. In order to see if the belief is gone, you need to imagine a future incident, the type that usually brought up feelings caused by the belief, to see if you still feel the belief.

When I did this exercise with the people who weren’t sure if the belief was gone, almost all agreed that it was.

But I Still Have The Problem

Some people had a sense that the belief was gone, but thought it couldn’t really be because they still didn’t feel good about themselves. These people thought that the belief—I’m not good enough or I’m not important—couldn’t have really disappeared if they still had any negative feelings about themselves.

I explained to them that one can have many other negative beliefs about oneself—such as I’m not capable, I’m not worthy, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m powerless—and getting rid of one negative self-esteem belief doesn’t automatically get rid of all the others. You have to get rid of each of the negative self-esteem beliefs you have before a negative sense of yourself will be totally eliminated, even though you will feel better about yourself in some way after eliminating each belief.

I Just Can’t Be Sure

In conversation after conversation, the people I talked to said: “I just couldn’t be sure. The words felt different, but I couldn’t say for sure if the belief was really gone.”

There is an exercise my wife Shelly created to help clients determine if a belief really is gone. She asks them to say the words “I’m a woman,” if they are a woman, or “I’m a man,” if they are a man. Then she tells them to say the words: “I’m a monkey.”

The client is then able to notice how it feels to say a statement that feels true versus a statement that feels false.

After Shelly asks them to say the words of the belief they just worked on, she asks them: Does your belief feel like saying “I’m a man/woman” or like saying “I’m a monkey.”

Because the first statement about being a man or woman is obviously true and the second about being a monkey is obviously false, this gives people a reference point to compare the belief to. That is usually enough for most people to conclude that, in fact, the belief really is gone.

I Thought I Had Eliminated a Belief Before, But It Came Back

Finally, several people I spoke to said the belief did feel gone after the process, but they had done other exercises in the past where it seemed that beliefs had been eliminated, and then after they went back into life, the belief came back (or perhaps it never really had been eliminated). Because of that experience, they were hesitant to say the belief was gone even though they felt as if it was.

So based on what people who weren’t sure if their belief was really gone told us, we will revise our video belief-elimination process to include what I learned from those of you I spoke to. I want to thank al of you who participated in our study for your support. Your feedback will help people realize that, in fact, many more of them really did eliminate a belief in just a few minutes that they had lived with since childhood.

Our commitment is to have at least 90% of all people who use our on-line and DVD processes experience the belief disappearing.

We really are committed to our mission: “To significantly improve the quality of life on the planet by having people recreate their lives [eliminate their limiting beliefs] and live as the unlimited possibilities they are [realize they are the creator of their lives, not merely the creation].”

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

Eating/Weight Problems: The Source and Solution

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:41:29 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Most of the behavioral or emotional problems we want to get rid of are relatively simple to deal with. We procrastinate. We worry all the time about what people think of us. We lack confidence. Using The Lefkoe Method you can find and eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause these problems. As a result, the problems will disappear.

Unfortunately overeating and weighing too much are not as simple. This problem is much more difficult to get rid of than most because it consists of from six to eight (or even more) sub-problems, each of which has to be handled before the real problem is solved.

Let me explain.

Some people gain weight because they eat a lot of unhealthy fattening foods and do very little exercise. That’s relatively simple to handle. Eat more healthily and get more exercise. If there are beliefs and conditionings that inhibit those two activities, get rid of them and you’ll start eating more healthy foods and exercising.

But for many people, the real problem is eating when they aren’t really hungry. If they would stop eating when they feel full and only eat when they are really hungry, the eating/weight problem would disappear. This is my ultimate goal for my clients, not losing weight. Because if most people with a normal metabolism and with a healthy diet eat only when hungry, they will not gain weight.

So the question then becomes, why do people eat when they aren’t hungry?

There can be many reasons, including:

It is a way to take a break from work; it’s a diversion.
It is a way to reward yourself when you feel no one else or nothing else will.
It is a way to experience love and acceptance.
It is a way to keep unpleasant feelings down—such as anxiety, anger, upset, and sadness.
It is a way to feel good, comforted, happy, secure, centered, at home.
It is a way to feel comfortable in social situations where everyone else is eating.
It is a way to remove yourself from the dating game and from sex. In other words, if you feel uncomfortable in romantic relationships and/or in sexual relationships, one way to avoid them is to get very heavy to discourage the opposite sex. In fact, although being significantly overweight might discourage some people from a romantic or sexual relationship, it obviously does not discourage a great many.
It is a response to childhood deprivation. If there wasn’t enough food to eat—if you didn’t eat the food right away it would be gone and you wouldn’t be able to eat at all—you can get conditioned to eat whenever you see food whether you are hungry or not.
If I work hard and accomplish a lot I’m entitled to whatever I want, including anything I want to eat.
You’re going to go on a diet and will be depriving yourself of food for a while.
The food tastes really good, which makes you feel good.

If your eating/weight problem is the result of eating when you aren’t hungry, then you need to determine which “needs” your eating is fulfilling. Then you can treat each of these needs as a separate undesirable behavior pattern. From there you can find and eliminate the beliefs that cause it.

In addition to having to get rid of a lot of beliefs, self-esteem and otherwise, eating/weight problems also involve a lot of conditioning.

Classical Conditioning

I discussed one type of conditioning and a process we have for de-conditioning in my blog post on May 5, 2009. In this type of conditioning, which psychologists call “classical conditioning,” something that normally doesn’t cause an emotional response gets conditioned to do so.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make this type of conditioning very clear. Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you. What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit. Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious. And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary. Why would you feel anxious? Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear when it became associated with the fist. Something was scaring you (the fist) and ice cream just happened to be there every time the fist scared you.

The principle is that anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other situations that are not inherently scary get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger). The Lefkoe Stimulus Process is a very effective method to use with classical conditioning.

Operant Conditioning

There is another type of conditioning that is especially relevant in eating/weight issues. It results from continually rewarding or punishing specific behavior, thereby conditioning that behavior. Psychologists call this “operant conditioning.”

For example, if every time you got upset as a child your mom gave you food to make you feel better, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you got upset.

Or, if your parents continually rewarded you for special things you did as a child by giving you a special meal with the food you really liked, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you wanted to feel acknowledged for something you did.

The Lefkoe De-conditioning Process is very effective with operant conditioning.

The Source Of One of the Sub-problems

Let’s examine one of the eating/weight sub-problems in a little more detail to see how it is the result of beliefs and operant conditioning.

Assume that whenever you feel alone, rejected, unloved, etc. you eat, whether you are hungry or not. You might believe I’m unlovable, I don’t fit in, Food is love, I’m alone in the world, Eating is the way to be loved, and If someone gives you food it means he loves you. There can be many others, but this gives you an idea of the type of beliefs that could cause a behavior pattern like this.

The operant conditioning involved here is eating in order to feel loved. This could have occurred early in life if your parents fed you as an expression of their love. This conditioning is more likely to be found in Jewish and Italian families.

Resolving eating/weight issues is especially tricky because you need to continue eating after the problem is gone. You can’t stop it completely like you can stop alcohol and drugs. Nevertheless, if you eliminate all the relevant beliefs and conditionings for all the sub-problems, an eating/weight problem can become nothing more than an unpleasant memory in your past.

To see a short video from someone who totally handled his emotional eating problems, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3tjZqDtBs8

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How To Find The Source Of Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:30:20 +0000

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Since we first offered belief-elimination programs on the Internet last November many people have said to me: The source of the beliefs you give in the belief-elimination videos might be the source for most people, but not all are true for me. Please help me find the source of my beliefs.

So I decided to devote this week’s blog post to providing you with the principles we teach Certified Lefkoe Method facilitators, so that you will be more effective in finding the source of your beliefs when the sources we suggest on the videos aren’t true for you.

1. Beliefs are almost always a logical interpretation you make of earlier events. A belief is the meaning you give to events that have no inherent meaning. So the most obvious way to find the beliefs of the earlier events is to ask yourself: What possibly could have happened that would have led to this belief being formed? What might mom and dad have done or said repeatedly that would have had me conclude (the words of the belief)?

2. If the belief is a self-esteem belief—in other words, a belief about oneself such as I’m not important, I’m not good enough, or I’m powerless—then the source of the belief is almost always in interactions with parents (or very rarely other full time caretakers), before age six.

3. The source of a belief is rarely one or two incidents; it is usually a pattern of events, for example, the way you are treated by your parents daily, not the couple of times something “big” happened. Look for the nature of your relationship with your parents, rather than for specific incidents, although the incidents might be most real to you and can be used to eventually get to the pattern of behavior and the on-going relationship. Obviously, traumatic events like rape or seeing someone killed can, in themselves, lead to a belief.

4. For most people, the source of I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m not capable, I’m not competent, Nothing I do is good enough, Mistakes and failure are bad, and several other similar beliefs was your parents’ frequent dissatisfaction or anger when you weren’t doing what they wanted, when they wanted, or the way they wanted. You heard things like: Don’t you ever learn? How many times do I have to tell you? What’s wrong with you?

5. The question to ask is: What are the earliest events that could be the source of the belief? Self‑esteem beliefs almost always can be traced to the first six years of life with your primary caretakers. On the other hand, other types of beliefs are frequently formed later in life (for example, when you get your first job you form beliefs about work and when you get involved in your first relationships you form beliefs about relationships). So don’t assume that all beliefs can be traced to early childhood.

6. Try to get concrete events as the source of a belief, rather than interpretations, for example, my parents yelled at me and hit me, rather than my parents were upset with me or didn’t like me. If you can’t remember any concrete events after looking, but you do have a clear sense of the source of a belief, such as, my parents didn’t care about me, come up with specific behaviors your parents exhibited that meant to you that they didn’t care. This way you will have something to work with in the “seeing” and “kinesthetic” steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process.

7. Sometimes people will have no memory whatsoever of their childhood before the age of six or seven. Because most self‑esteem, sense of self, and sense of life beliefs seem to have been formed before that age, this situation can present a potential difficulty. In such a case it frequently is possible to get a good sense of what must have happened in your childhood by using the following technique:

Recall whatever you can of your relationship with your parents. What were the personality and behavior patterns of your parents at whatever age you can remember? If there were any later siblings, how did your parents deal with the younger brother or sister? When you have a good sense of your parents, ask: How would they have acted with you when you were two?—and then describe the behavior typical to a two-year-old. What about when you were three? Etc.

Typical childhood situations include: not putting things away; making noise; not doing what parents wanted, when parents wanted, the way parents wanted; not doing chores; parents not being around at all or being around physically but not emotionally; not having any say about what you did; not being held and kissed; not being acknowledged for what you did; being compared unfavorable with siblings or others.

Almost every client with whom I’ve tried this has been able to make real how her parents treated her before the age of six by imagining how her parents must have acted in specific typical childhood situations, based on a knowledge of her parents at a later age that is real for her.

Because I remember virtually nothing before the age of six, this is the technique I‘ve used to eliminate all my beliefs that were formed in childhood.

8. You might have a hard time finding the source of a belief because you are uncomfortable about criticizing your parents. Some of my clients constantly talk about how wonderful their parents were and say they can’t imagine anything their parents did or said that could have led them to conclude anything negative about themselves or life.

In such cases I emphasize that their parents did the best they could, that the point of the Lefkoe Belief Process is not to make their parents wrong, that something in their life must have happened that led to the belief in question, and that the dysfunctional pattern they now have is not the result of anything their parents did, but, instead, is the result of their interpretation of what their parents did. To avoid this problem I usually explain this before asking the clients about the events that lead to the belief.

9. It also is important to realize that even if 90% of a child’s interactions with his parents were “positive,” and only 10% “negative,” the child will still try to make sense out of the 10% and can reach negative conclusions about himself.

10. It is important to understand that the belief made sense at the time it was formed. It was a logical interpretation, one that most people (most children, in the case of beliefs formed in childhood) who had the same experiences would have made. You didn’t make a mistake in forming the belief. It was actually a brilliant abstraction that integrated a great many disparate events that hadn’t made sense before.

11. Sometimes you might feel strongly that there are two different sources of a belief, one from parents at home and one from early school. You are not sure if you had formed the belief before starting school. In such a case, use the earlier source. If the belief is not eliminated, then go through the program again using the later events as the source.

12. Although survival strategy beliefs are interpretations of events, like any other beliefs, there is something unique about the way they are formed. See my blog post on May 26, 2009 that describes survival strategy beliefs in detail.

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Everyone Knows Change is Difficult … Are You Sure?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:22:42 +0000

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Because I’m in the change business I am frequently telling people that change is really easy if you first eliminate the relevant beliefs. Almost without exception, the response is: “But everyone knows that people resist change!”

Don’t you think that people resist change? Don’t you notice that your friends, family and co-workers frequently know what to do and just don’t do it. Of course people resist change. It’s human nature.

Maybe.

Obviously I don’t agree with this common point of view. People do resist something, but it’s not change. Let’s take a look and see what it is.

Let me describe two situations where people usually don’t change when they’ve been told why it is necessary and see if you can figure out what they really are resisting.

Resistance in Business

A common business situation illustrates workers who are seemingly resisting change. Many companies employ people called service technicians. These people see their job as installing, fixing, and maintaining whatever product their company sells.

In recent years management has tried very hard to get these people to provide a higher level of customer service. They are sent to workshops where they are told the importance of taking better care of customers: how customers will buy elsewhere unless they get a high level of service, how their jobs will be threatened if customers stop doing business with their company due to poor service, etc.

But in case after case, the level of customer service doesn’t improve much. According to management, many of the service technicians are “resistant” to change.

Well, if I’m right and they aren’t resistant to change, what are they resistant to? Here’s a clue: These employees believe they are technicians, whose job it is to install, fix, and maintain the company’s products. Now they are being told to take more time talking to customers, telling customers what they are doing and why, answering all the questions customers might have, etc.

Given their belief about their job, they think that what they are being asked to do will make it more difficult to do what they think their job is. They are thinking: How in hell will I ever get my job done if I have to spend all my time talking to customers?

Well, if someone is telling you to do something that will make it difficult for you to do what you think is right, what does their request sound like to you? … Like they’re telling you to do what you think is wrong.

In other words, the technicians are not resisting change (doing something different), they are resisting doing what they think is wrong given their existing beliefs.

What appears to be widespread resistance to change is nothing more than people acting consistently with their beliefs.

When I realized this many years ago (when I was a management consultant), I created workshops that would change workers’ beliefs about their jobs. The new job belief included the desired behavior. After eliminating the old belief and creating the new one, the workers naturally and effortlessly changed their behavior.

In the case of service technicians, we had them create a new job belief—I am a customer satisfier—in which taking better care of customers became possible. The shift in belief allowed employees to see taking care of customers as an integral part of their job, instead of getting in the way of their job. (And the level of customer satisfaction went from the mid 70s to the mid 90s.)

Resistance in Relationships

Now let’s look at a situation that comes up frequently in relationships. Imagine that you have a relationship with someone who yells at people whenever they don’t do what she thinks they ought to be doing. Perhaps you have told this person that you don’t like her yelling at you and you think it is inappropriate for her to yell at others. The response might be, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” But her behavior continues despite this admission.

The response, however, might be: “Yelling is the only way to get people to listen and do what you want.” That’s the belief that engenders the yelling. Given this belief, if you want to get someone to do something and they aren’t doing it, you have to yell to get results.

So if yelling is the right thing to do to achieve her goal, then not yelling is the wrong thing to do. The “yeller” doesn’t resist change; she resists doing what, for her, is wrong. Change the belief and the behavior will change naturally and effortlessly.

The logic of your argument for change is useless if you are trying to get people to do something inconsistent with their beliefs. They will continue to resist doing something they think is wrong. The next time you think someone is resisting change, ask yourself: What must they believe that has them think their current behavior is right and what you are suggesting is wrong?

Thanks for reading my blog. Do you agree or disagree with the points I made in this post? Why? Do you have something to add? Your comments will add value for thousands of readers.

Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested (as long as you tell people where they came from) and to provide a link from your own website or blog.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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The Lefkoe Method Is Not Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:21:42 +0000

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Often when I start to explain to someone how the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) works, they quickly respond, “Oh, you’re just doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)!”

Although the LBP is similar in some ways to CBT (of which there are several variations), there are more things that are different than the same. (Because I am not trained in CBT, I have no first hand knowledge of it. But several people who are certified in CBT and who also are familiar with the LBP have helped me make the following distinctions between the two.)

First, some versions of CBT attempt to change beliefs by challenging the validity of the evidence that the client uses to support them. However, the “evidence” that people offer for a belief usually is not the actual reason they believe it. The evidence people offer usually consists of recent observations that appear to substantiate the belief. The real source of one’s fundamental beliefs, the LBP contends, is interpretations of circumstances earlier in life. Core beliefs about one’s self and life are usually formed in childhood. After a belief has been formed, however, one acts consistently with it, thereby producing “current evidence” for the already-existing belief.

Because the evidence one presents to validate one’s beliefs usually is a consequence of the beliefs, not its source, challenging the validity of that evidence may not be the most effective way to eliminate beliefs.

Second, CBT tries to show clients that their thinking is illogical, broad generalizations, self-defeating, etc. The LBP makes no attempt to get clients to see that a current belief is wrong or not true, to see it as illogical, to accept that it does not make sense, or to reject it as self-defeating. The LBP actually validates people for forming the belief earlier in life by assisting them to realize that most people probably would have made a similar interpretation under similar circumstances. It insures that people realize that their belief actually is one valid interpretation of their earlier circumstances.

CBT attempts to get clients to realize their beliefs don’t make sense and are self-defeating; therefore they should give them up. The LBP assists people to eliminate beliefs by getting them to realize that they form beliefs by giving/attributing meaning to events that have no inherent meaning, after which they think they can “see” that meaning inherent in the events. When clients realize they really can’t see the belief (the meaning) in the world, that it exists and has only ever existed in their minds, and when they realize the feeling of the belief was not caused by something outside of them, but by the meaning they gave the events, the belief is eradicated.

A third element that distinguishes the LBP from some versions of CBT is that CBT tries to get the client to agree to act consistently with an alternative belief to test its possible validity. In other works, homework is an integral part of CBT; there is nothing a client has to do between sessions with LBP. Because the current belief is totally eliminated by using the LBP during the session, one has no need to try to change one’s behavior when one goes back “into life”; one’s behavior changes naturally and effortlessly once the belief is gone.

A fourth distinction between the LBP and many cognitive approaches is that the latter frequently give clients tools that they are expected to use to think more rationally in order to act more rationally in the face of strong emotions such as fear, anger, depression, hostility, etc. The LBP is used by a facilitator (either a live person, or an on-line or DVD program) to assist clients to eliminate the beliefs that cause such emotions. When these emotions stop after the beliefs (and conditionings) that give rise to them are eliminated, clients no longer need a tool to deal with them more effectively.

Fifth, The Lefkoe Method includes other processes other than the LBP when appropriate. For example, the Lefkoe Stimulus Process facilitates de-conditioning the stimuli for negative emotions, which has nothing to do with beliefs or illogical thoughts. In order to get rid of the fear of public speaking, for instance, one has to extinguish the conditioned stimuli that have become associated with fear, such as facing criticism, or feeling that one is not meeting expectations, that one is being judged, or that one is being rejected.

And in last week’s blog post I described the Lefkoe Sense Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process, which de-condition negative senses and expectations. To the best of my knowledge CBT does not deal with conditioning directly.

Finally, there is no explicit spiritual element in CBT. As far as I am concerned, the “Who Am I Really?” Process, which helps you shift your identity from an ego—the sum total of your beliefs and their manifestation—to the source of the ego, is a crucial element of the LBP and is as important as getting rid of beliefs.

The Lefkoe Method, which includes the LBP and several other processes, accomplishes two distinct things with clients:

It helps people make fundamental changes in who they think they are, namely, their beliefs and the way those beliefs manifest in their behavior and feelings, by eliminating beliefs and de-conditioning stimuli, senses, and expectations.
It helps people make a distinction between themselves as the sum total of their beliefs and how they manifest, and themselves as the creator of those beliefs, and, therefore, of their lives.

Because CBT is the most researched psychotherapy (and is considered the “gold standard”), I am excited to announce a research study we are about to start. Conducted by a major university, the study will compare the results of using our Natural Confidence DVD program, which contains 23 self-esteem beliefs and conditionings, with 10 hours of private CBT sessions. The study will measure changes in self-esteem, self-confidence, and stress. Stay tuned for the results.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where they came from.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Get Rid of the Belief, “I can’t …”

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:27:13 +0000

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A few years ago while in the midst of a corporate consulting assignment I realized that there was one crippling belief that was rampant in every organization I had ever worked in. And this belief was not only the most common belief in organizations, it was, in my opinion, the biggest single barrier that most organizations have.

What is this belief? I (or we) can’t ….

“We can’t out-source that product.” “I can’t possibly find the time to do that.” “We can’t find the employees we need.” “I can’t get the support I need.” “We can’t possibly finish the project as quickly as the customer wants.” And the list goes on and on. If you work in a company you hear I can’t … all day long. And if someone (or lots of someones) believes something “can’t be done,” then the chances to slim to nil that it will get done.

This belief, like any other belief, can be easily eliminated using the Lefkoe Belief Process and we used the LBP repeatedly in our organizational work for many years. (The Lefkoe Institute has helped over 10,000 employees in over 50 corporations eliminate beliefs that kept the organizations from realizing their full potential.)

The only difficulty is that we couldn’t be at every meeting of every group of employees to hear each I can’t … being expressed and then eliminate it. And it currently takes a lot of time to train people to be effective with the LBP. So I needed to create a process that I could teach employees quickly that could eliminate the innumerable I can’t … beliefs.

My solution was a modified version of the LBP that I call the Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities (LBP-P), because when a belief is eliminated possibilities are created that didn’t exist before. (What can’t be done is not a possibility. As soon as it can be done, a new possibility comes into existence for us. For example, if we can’t raise the money we need, raising the money is not a possibility for us. When the belief is eliminated, raising the money suddenly becomes possible.

This process can be taught to people in less than an hour. I’ve taught it to over a thousand CEOs, who then taught it to others in their companies.

Because I can’t … shows up in our personal lives almost as often as in organizations, I thought I would devote this blog post to teaching it to you. So here are the basic steps of the process so you can use it in your organization and with friends.

Steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities

(This is a modified Lefkoe Belief Process that is used to eliminate I can’t … beliefs in order to enhance innovation and create new possibilities.)

You will usually hear someone state, I can’t …. out loud. If you are trying to help someone find their unconscious I can’t … beliefs, you can ask the following three questions:

a. What do you want to have happen?
b. What do you have to do to make this happen?
c. What’s in the way of you doing that? (The answer will be, I can’t … because ….)

1. What is it you have to do or can’t do? (NOTE: If someone states the belief in a positive way, for example, “we must,” turn it into the negative version, “we can’t.”

2. How do you know that? What happened that led to the belief being formed? (The source here is not childhood, but one’s recent experience.)

3. Can you see that your belief made sense given your experience? (The answer will always be, yes.)

4. You saw that it couldn’t be done the way you did it, at that time, under those circumstances. Can you say with absolute certainty that it could never be done any way under any circumstances in the future? (Logically, the answer will always have to be, no. You can never say anything about the future with absolute certainty.)

5. Couldn’t your past experience also mean: I haven’t found a way to do it yet, but that does not mean that it can’t be done? (Again, the answer will always be, yes.)

6. Can you see that your belief is only a description of the way it was in the past and not the truth about the future? (The answer will be, yes, which is acknowledging that the belief is no longer the truth.)

7. If it’s not the truth that I can’t … [state the belief], how would you solve the problem if you could do it? (The I can’t … belief is gone after Step #6. If you are trying to solve a problem and someone stops the conversation with the belief, We can’t …, after the belief is gone you can return to the discussion and find a solution.)

Try using the LBP-P in your company or with a friend and then leave me a note here on my blog about your results.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How To Find The Beliefs That Cause Various Problems

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:08:54 +0000

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Getting rid of a limiting belief with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) is not particularly difficult. We can train people to do that in a weekend. And we can create an on-line process or a DVD that will eliminate a specific belief.

The trickiest aspect of the LBP is identifying all the relevant beliefs that cause a given problem. Getting rid of the beliefs is actually easier than finding them.

That’s why we can put together programs that eliminate specific problems when we already know what beliefs (and conditionings) cause those problems for most people. So far we have created packages that get rid of such issues as procrastination, lack of confidence, social anxiety, fear of rejection, the need for approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads.

Some patterns like phobias can be eliminated by getting rid of one belief and one conditioning. One client had a fear of small bugs, insects, or rats. It was totally caused by one conditioning: Fear associated with being touched by small insects or animals. When that was de-conditioned, the fear was gone. Another client had a fear of dogs. She had the belief: Dogs are dangerous and the conditioning: fear associated with dogs. When they were gone, the client said she felt comfortable with dogs, unless they were barking. We then discovered and eliminated the belief: barking dogs are dangerous. Then her fear of dogs was totally gone.

Other patterns like depression and eating disorders can have upwards of 30-40 beliefs (in addition to conditionings, senses, and expectations). These patterns can have as many as 15 negative self-esteem-type beliefs, along with negative beliefs about life, such as life is difficult. It is easier to get rid of bulimia than overeating, because you can stop bingeing and purging, but you can’t stop eating. And overeating is really a combination of several different issues, for example, people can eat to keep feelings down, to reward themselves, to take care of themselves when they think others won’t, to keep from thinking about unpleasant things, and woman sometimes gain weight to remove themselves from the dating game.

Many patterns share a lot of the same beliefs. So, for example, if you eliminate all the beliefs for a lack of confidence (19 beliefs and 4 conditionings), you also will be eliminating all the beliefs that cause several other problems, such as procrastination, lack of confidence, social anxiety, fear of rejection, seeking approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads. These other problems have fewer beliefs and conditionings (as few as 6 beliefs and 3 conditionings for fear of rejection) and different combinations of them.

I am frequently asked how one can figure out what beliefs and conditionings cause specific problems. We spend an entire three-day weekend teaching people how to do this, so I can’t teach you in a short blog post. But the first step is just to figure out logically what beliefs could cause the problem.

For example, if you aren’t able to create a lasting, nurturing romantic relationship, you probably have beliefs about yourself, the opposite sex, and relationships. What do you think they are? … Logical possibilities include: I’m not loveable, women/men can’t be trusted, and relationships don’t work.

If you are afraid to take chances, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … Mistakes and failure are bad. I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough.

And if you’re an approval junkie, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … I’m not good enough. I’m not important. What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.

The Best Technique For Finding Beliefs

The best single technique for finding the relevant beliefs is to notice what you are thinking and feeling as the problem occurs. They will be a clue to the underlying beliefs. For example, if the overall problem is social anxiety—not feeling comfortable with people in social situations—then when meeting someone at a party you might notice yourself thinking: I don’t feel comfortable when people are putting their attention on me. And you might be aware of an anxious feeling as if something bad is going to happen. Two beliefs that “go with” those thoughts are: Something bad will happen if people put their attention on me and I’m not good enough. A conditioning that could account for the feeling is: fear associated with people focusing on me.

Ultimately, experience is the best way to find all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. (As I mentioned in a recent post, a negative sense of self and life, along with negative expectations, sometimes have to be eliminated before an undesirable behavior or feeling is totally gone.)

Luckily, not knowing what beliefs cause which problems is not really a problem because we at the Lefkoe Institute already know what beliefs (and conditionings) cause common problems. In other words, probably 90% of people will be able to get rid of a given problem if they eliminate the beliefs and conditionings we’ve already identified for those problems. And we offer packages that eliminate the beliefs and conditionings for those problems.

And if you have a problem for which we don’t yet have a package, Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitators are able to help you find the beliefs and conditionings that cause any problem you want to get rid of, and then help you eliminate them.

My Vision

My vision is to have The Lefkoe Method so thoroughly incorporated into the culture that everyone learns the relationship between beliefs and behavior at an early age and also learns how to help others eliminate beliefs and change behavior. And to have parents know the child-rearing techniques that minimize the number of crippling beliefs their children form.

An experience my wife Shelly had a few years ago symbolizes the way I envision how the world will utilize TLM in the future. She went to the gym and got on the Stairmaster. A couple of minutes later a friend of hers who she hadn’t seen for a few months got on the machine next to her. Shelly asked her friend how she was doing. The friend told Shelly about some relationship difficulties she was having.

What would most women do in a situation like this? … Empathize with their friend’s predicament and give some advice. Shelly empathized but didn’t give any advice. Instead she helped her friend identify three of the most relevant beliefs that were responsible for the relationship difficulty and then helped her friend eliminate them all … in 45 minutes. As a result, the friend had the possibility for a good long-term, nurturing relationship that she didn’t have before talking to Shelly.

Let’s Create This World

Can you imagine a world in which it was commonplace for everyone to be able to do that for everyone else? That’s my vision and what my life is dedicated to creating.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs and four conditionings, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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A Tool For Resolving Conflict

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:27:50 +0000

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“Amazing!! You must do it in Hebrew and Arabic!!! It will change the condition in all the Middle East.”

This is one of my favorite comments written on my blog. It’s from Yair, someone in Israel who wrote it after using our free belief-elimination process. Yair obviously saw how the principles of the Lefkoe Belief Process could be useful in resolving the Middle East (or any other) conflict.

For years I’ve wanted the opportunity to help in that situation by using a variation of the Lefkoe Belief Process.

Here’s what I’d do.

First, I would get representatives from all the different factions on each side to a big table, with each group facing the other across the table.

Second, I’d ask , what do you do to protect yourselves? How do you deal with the other side? (If you identify closely with either side in the conflict, imagine yourself sitting at the table and answer these questions for yourself.)

Israel might talk about the checkpoints and roadblocks, the invasions of Palestinian areas, and the fence. Palestinians might describe their acts of violence and their attempts to gain international support for their position. We’d soon discover that what each side does is precisely what the other side uses to justify its behavior.

Third, I’d ask, what do you believe that has you act the way you do?

Representatives from Israel might reply that the fence and checkpoints are the only way to keep suicide bombers out of areas where Israelis congregate. The invasions are the only way to stop the rocket fire, which comes from the invaded areas. We have the right to settle anyplace in Israel, even in areas that are predominantly Palestinian.

Palestinians might explain that violence is the only avenue open to try to get Israel to recognize their basic human rights and give them back their homeland, which was taken from them by force and by illegal and immoral international agreements. No matter where we live today we have the right to return to our former homes in Israel.

Fourth, I’d ask, what happened to you that led you to hold the beliefs you hold?

Israelis might reply with a history lesson: Centuries of anti-semitism, the Holocaust, the struggle to create a homeland of their own, trying to survive as a small nation when others have sworn to push them back into the sea, constant shelling from Palestinian areas (and other countries), and the ever-present threat of suicide bombers. Jewish people have always lived on this land and King David made the city of Jerusalem the capital of Israel 3,000 years ago. Even 150 years ago there were more Jews living in Jerusalem than Muslims.

Palestinians might reply with their own history lesson: We were living here peaceably when Israel and international agreements (we were not a party to) forcibly drove us from our homeland, Israel has kept us from returning and denies those of us living in Israel basic rights as human beings. Jerusalem contains some of Islam’s holiest cities. They probably would add: The Jews used violence against the British when they thought it was the only way to get them to give up control over what is now the State of Israel, and it worked.

Fifth, I’d point out to both sides, that given their respective histories—what has happened to them as a people—their beliefs make perfect sense. Most people with similar histories would have similar beliefs. And given their beliefs most other people would act the way that they act.

In other words, I would totally validate each side, making it clear that their experience as a people led to their beliefs, which now determine their behavior. In other words, given their experience, their behavior actually makes sense.

And then I would ask the sixth and final question, What if you were born to the parents of the people sitting on the other side of the table and were brought up as they had been brought up? Take a few minutes and make that fully real. Imagine that that really happened. … Which side of the table would you be sitting on now? Which side would be “right”?

Obviously, the current behavior, beliefs, and histories (source of the beliefs) are much more complicated than I’ve presented here. But I have presented the essence of what each side would answer and showed how the Process would work no matter how complicated the answers may be.

This Is Not Merely Taking The Other Point Of View

This approach is very different than merely suggesting to someone, “Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Given our beliefs that make us think and feel we are “right,” it is almost impossible to emotionally experience what the “other person” is feeling. But if you actually make each of the above steps real to yourself, you will have the profound experience that your beliefs and behavior are no longer “right,” but only a function of your earlier experience.

I’m actually not sure what would happen after Israelis and Palestinians completed all six steps, but it would be impossible for them to continue to be righteous about their respective positions when they’ve just had to acknowledge that they would be arguing the opposite point of view if they had been born to different parents. Because if an accident of birth would have resulted in them having opposite positions, then they can’t argue that their current positions are “right.”

Solutions Do Exist

I have no idea how to work out the many real disagreements between them, but many experts have developed possible solutions. As Professor Robert Mnookin, chair of Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation said in a Harvard Law Bulletin article: “Unlike other ethnic conflicts where solutions are difficult to imagine, as in the Balkans, an arrangement that might greatly reduce the tensions and violence between Israelis and Palestinians isn’t hard to identify. The mystery is why that can’t be achieved.” (Emphasis added.)

A partial explanation for the “mystery” is that each side thinks it is “right” and the other side is “wrong,” so the other side should make most of the compromises. (“Why should I give away something to which I am entitled to people who are not entitled to it and who are killing my people?”) When it becomes clear that neither side is right or wrong—that everyone is only acting in accordance with beliefs derived from an accident of birth—compromise might be a lot easier to achieve.

A further explanation for the “mystery” is the profound disagreements between the various factions on each side. Therefore I suggest that the six-step process be used first with a three-or four-sided table and representatives from the Israeli factions and then again with the Palestinian factions, before the meeting between the two major parties to the conflict. Because each faction has somewhat different histories, each has different beliefs, leading to different behavior. Each needs to discover that its point of view is not “the truth” before there can ever be a unified Israeli and Palestinian position.

The Process Will Work With All Conflicts

By the way, you might have realized as I described the steps I would take with the two sides of the Middle East conflict that this approach would be just as useful in labor-management disputes. In fact, couldn’t you use it with minor modifications with your spouse or significant other to resolve interpersonal conflicts?

The Process I’ve described is not merely a theoretical model; it is a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process that we’ve used with over 31,000 people to help them totally and permanently eliminate the beliefs that determine what they do and feel. It is so consistently effective that we actually guarantee that people will get rid of their anxiety, their fears, their approval seeking, their procrastination, etc. when they eliminate the beliefs that cause those problems, such as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, and I’m powerless. So we have considerable evidence that the basic process is extremely powerful and has produced spectacular results for 24 years, which have been verified in a study published on a peer-reviewed psychological journal.

Please pass this on to anyone you think might be interested in this six-step process for resolving disputes, especially anyone who is actively working on resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate crippling 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Answers To Common Questions About Beliefs

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:52:50 +0000

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Last fall I conducted a one-hour tele-seminar in which I answered questions I had been sent about beliefs. I thought I would devote this week’s blog post to answering a few of the most common questions I received.

Question: Once you have eliminated a belief, what does one need to do to move forward and leave their dysfunctional behavior patterns behind?

Answer: In a word, nothing. Once you have eliminated all the beliefs (there is rarely only one) that cause any given behavioral or emotional problem, the problem just dissolves and there is nothing more you have to do.

Question: How critical is it to identify the origin of a belief correctly, and how accurately does one need to identify it?

Answer: Our experience is that you do need to find the real source of a belief in order for the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to be effective in eliminating the belief. For example, if you think the source of a belief is experiences you had in school, when the real source is interactions with your parents, the belief might not be eliminated. Why?

Remember that in the process you are asked: Imagine being a child and observing the events that led to the belief. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see (the belief)?

For the belief to go away for visual people, you need to get that what you’ve spent a lifetime thinking you saw in those events, you never really did see. If you truly can see something, then it really is there. The trick is to realize that you didn’t see what you thought you saw. The belief (in other words, the meaning you gave the events) exists only in your mind, not out there in the world to be seen.

If you mistakenly choose other events that aren’t really the source, you still will think you saw (the belief) in interactions with your parents and the belief will still be there.

For people who are predominantly emotionally kinesthetic and “felt” the belief instead of seeing it, they need to get that the events didn’t make them feel (the belief); it was the meaning they gave those events. Again, if you have the wrong source, this part of the LBP might not work.

More often than not, a belief is formed from the meaning we give to a pattern of events, such as the way mom and dad reacted when you didn’t live up to their expectations or the fact that mom and dad weren’t around very much. Not the one time you remember dad yelling or mom not being home one afternoon.

There is no way to know for sure if you have found the “real” source of a belief. One test is whether or not it feels true for you that a repeated pattern of events led you to form the belief. Another is that you need to be able to answer yes to the question: Wouldn’t most people have formed the belief you did in those same circumstances?

In other words, the events must be a logical source for a given belief.

Question: When going through the process of eliminating beliefs, I have a hard time with the concept of ‘seeing’ the belief. I usually don’t think I saw it; it’s more like I felt it. So sometimes beliefs don’t go away because I don’t get it. Is there a way around this?

Answer: I provided part of the answer to this question in my answer to the prior question.

Emotionally kinesthetic people generally do not “see” the belief in the situations that led to the belief being formed, they “felt” it.

The end of the Lefkoe Belief Process has a section specifically for people who are kinesthetic, so if you don’t think you saw the belief, just skip that question and go to the next step of the Process (the events that led you to form the belief have no meaning) and then finish the Process. If you complete the LBP, the belief will be eliminated.

Question: How do you apply the technique [Lefkoe Belief Process] on your own?

Answer: Most people cannot do it by themselves; a few can. Try it; it might work for you.

There are at least three reasons most people can’t do it.

First, without a lot of training it is hard for most people to identify all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. And if you don’t find and eliminate all of them, the problem might lessen, but not be eliminated totally.

Second, even when you know the belief you want to eliminate, it can be tricky to find alternate interpretations for certain beliefs and sources.

Third, most problems can be eliminated by eliminating the beliefs and conditionings that cause it. From time to time it is necessary to use additional processes that eliminate negative “senses” (of oneself, life, etc.) that were conditioned early in life or negative expectations, where one is conditioned to expect negative things to occur. You need to be trained to use those processes.

After helping thousands of people eliminate tens of thousands of beliefs, I find that I am able to walk myself through the LBP or the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (to eliminate conditionings) some of the time, but when I discover a new problem and I’m not sure what beliefs or conditionings cause it, I still need a trained Lefkoe Method facilitator to help me.

Question: Is it possible for limiting beliefs to have not originated with your parents? Is it possible for limiting beliefs to have formed in adulthood, say after romantic disappointment? If so, how does one locate the source of the limiting belief?

Answer: Almost all negative self-esteem beliefs are formed through interactions with parents during the first five or six years of life. We form many other beliefs later in life when we encounter new situations.

We form beliefs about school in school, politics as we start reading and hearing about it, and romantic relationships as we start having them.

How do you find the source of beliefs formed later in life? Training and a lot of experience.

Question: I think the biggest belief I have that keeps me from transformation is that I can’t do it – I don’t have what it takes to follow though.

Answer: That’s possible, but this is an example of how it can be tricky to identify all the relevant beliefs that cause a problem.

You might believe I don’t have what it takes to follow through, but what beliefs would you have to have to have formed that one? Probably many, including I’m not good enough, Nothing I do is good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, and I’m not capable.

In other words, there are probably a bunch of beliefs that led you to not follow through, and now you believe you can’t follow through. You have to find and get rid of all those earlier beliefs too.

Question: One of the biggest roadblocks is identifying the core belief that is holding me back. I come up with a lot of peripheral beliefs. What is the best way to determine what is the core belief that needs to be changed?

Answer: As far as we are concerned, there is no “the core belief.” There are almost always many core (self-esteem) beliefs and many other beliefs causing the problem you want to get rid of.

NOTE: We’re offering another tele-seminar answering your questions about beliefs on August 13, from 6:00-7:00 Pacific Time. For information and to submit a question, please click on https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/357775698
Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts with anyone you think might be interested as long as you tell people where it came from.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/LefkoeInstitute) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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Why Does The World Suffer From An Epidemic Of Low Self-Esteem?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:55:44 +0000

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Mike had become a wealthy entrepreneur, but he had a hard time enjoying his business success because it seemed that every minute he wasn’t solving a business problem he was worried about what others thought of him and what he could do to get their approval.

Janet probably had as many good ideas as Mike, but because she was plagued with procrastination, she was nowhere near as successful.

Roger always talked about his dream of doing something on his own, but he just didn’t have the confidence to leave his safe (and boring) job.

And finally there was Marlene, who complained of bouts of anxiety that seemed to come over her without warning and paralyze her.

Stories like these from our clients go on forever. We’ve heard tens of thousands of them. It seems as if no one really escapes.

Escapes what? … Having a low sense of self-esteem, a negative sense of oneself, a little voice in one’s head that is constantly critical of oneself.

Common Myths About Self-esteem

Before I explain why so many people have low self-esteem, let me first dispel a few common myths about self-esteem.

First, people who are described as “full of themselves,” or who have “too much self-esteem,” are people with low self-esteem who are trying to convince themselves and others of a worth they don’t experience. Low self-esteem is the result of negative self-esteem beliefs, such as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m not worthy or deserving, and I’m not capable. People with high self-esteem don’t need to convince anyone of their worth; they know they are good enough and important and don’t need anyone’s approval to experience being okay.

Second, low self-esteem is not limited to the “losers” in life. A survey that makes this point crystal clear reported than many CEOs of billion dollar companies had the fear that “someday I’ll be found out and they’ll take it all away from me.” It is possible to be successful by conventional standards (plenty of money, a good job or your own company, selling your artistic endeavors, achieving whatever you set out to achieve) and still have low self-esteem. In such cases the low self-esteem shows up as a critical “little voice” in your head that criticizes much of what you achieve, as a feeling that you don’t deserve your success, or as a fear of rejection, or a need to get others’ approval. All of these things that undercut the enjoyment you get from your success are the result of low self-esteem.

Third, not all people with low self-esteem are unable to function well. How well you are able to function depends not only on self-esteem beliefs, but also on what other beliefs you hold. In a study the Lefkoe Institute did with incarcerated teens and adults a few years ago, we discovered that those subjects had the same negative self-esteem beliefs as the CEOs we saw in our private practice. The difference was that the CEOs believed that what made them good enough or important is being successful (by society’s standards), while the people in jail believed that what made them good enough or important was getting away with things others couldn’t do, or being part of a gang, or not accepting anyone else’s rules.

Why Is Low Self-Esteem So Common?

The question that is probably occurring to most of you right now is: Why do so many people have negative self-esteem beliefs? Why has almost every one of the 13,000 clients we’ve talked to had the belief, I’m not good enough?

As I’ve described in previous blog posts, almost all of our self-esteem beliefs, positive or negative, are formed in the first six years of life as the result of interactions we have with our primary caretakers, almost always our parents.

Any yet most parents love their children and want the best for their children. So what goes wrong?

To begin with, most parents are not aware that children are forming beliefs about themselves based on their interactions with their parents, which usually doesn’t appear to be at all harmful.

But even when parents are aware of this, they can have a hard time stopping their inappropriate behavior because they are rarely aware of the conflict between what they as parents want and what children are able to understand and do at various ages.

Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.

Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.”

Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

If we expect children to “do things right,” we have to explain what “right” is. And we may need to explain something many times to a child under the age of six or seven before they really get it. And, finally, there are some concepts that young children are just incapable of grasping.

The question is not, Do children frequently “disobey” their parents? Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.
And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between.

What Is The Question Young Children Ask All Day Long?

Hint. It’s only one word.

Yes, it’s “Why?”.

Children know that they don’t have the answers (kids are always saying, “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to….). Children think their parents (because they are adults) know everything and have all the answers.

It’s as if the child thinks to herself, “If my parents don’t like what I do a lot of the time and are unhappy with me, they must have a good reason. I guess I’m not good enough to have their approval.” Or, “If I can’t get their attention, I guess I’m not important.” Or, “If I always have to do what they want me to do and rarely get to do what I want, I guess I’m powerless.”

In other words, children form their beliefs about themselves trying to make sense of their parents’ behavior, statements, tone of voice, and facial expressions … every waking minute.

It is important to emphasize here that rarely will just a few parental actions or statements lead children to form beliefs, positive or negative. It is only when something is done or said many times that a child forms a belief. It’s as if children say to themselves, “Why does this keep happening? Oh, now I know what it means.”

Parental Clichés Lead To Low Self-Esteem

Some of the phrases parents commonly use have become clichés in our society:

“How many times do I have to tell you?”
“Don’t you ever listen?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Are you just clumsy/stupid?”

What would it mean to a child aged two to six or seven to hear those phrases uttered repeatedly in anger or frustration?

Thirteen thousand clients have told us:

I’m not good enough. Mistakes are bad. I’m not capable or competent. I’m inadequate.

Do you understand now why so many of us have low self-esteem, which shows up in so many obvious and subtle ways, including worrying about what people think of us, being afraid to take risks, having a little voice in our head that keeps telling us that what we do isn’t good enough, etc.?

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one such belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/The-Lefkoe-Institute/54781675766?ref=ts) to get my latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.

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How To Create New Possibilities In Your Life

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:37:20 +0000

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Some people are convinced we create our own reality by focusing on what we desire with strong emotion. Others are just as convinced that that idea is New Age nonsense. But regardless of which position is valid, it is unquestionably true that we literally create new possibilities in our lives—a brand new reality—by eliminating limiting beliefs.

Let me give you an example. Assume you had the beliefs: I’m not loveable. Relationships don’t work. Men/women can’t be trusted.

With these beliefs, what are the possibilities that you could have a really good, nurturing, long-term romantic relationship? … Slim to nil, right?

Now let’s assume you use the Lefkoe Belief Process to completely eliminate those beliefs. Can you see you have just created the possibility of a good, nurturing, long-term relationship that literally didn’t exist before? There is no guarantee you will ever find such a relationship, but the possibility exists now that didn’t exist before.

This is one of the most powerful consequences of eliminating beliefs: You not only change your behavior and feelings, you actually change the reality you live in.

Let me remind you of something I wrote in an earlier blog post to make this idea completely clear. Let’s assume you held the following beliefs: You have to work hard to make money. I’m not deserving. I’ll never have enough money. /There is never enough money. Money is a struggle. Life is difficult. Your reality with those beliefs does not include the possibility of acquiring wealth easily, if at all. Without those beliefs the possibility comes into existence.

The possibilities that exist in your reality are defined by your beliefs. When you say something is impossible it actually becomes impossible for you. If you believe Life is difficult, you will experience things not going the way you wanted them to go as upsetting obstacles rather than exciting challenges. If you believe I’m not capable or I’m not competent, would you likely try to do something you believe you can’t do? And if you tried, do you think you would succeed with these beliefs?

Beliefs Create An Organization’s Environment

Even the environment in which an organization operates is largely a function of its beliefs. When I do workshops for CEOs I tell them that the biggest barrier their organization faces is not in the world (competition, government, costs, etc.), but in the minds of their employees.

For example, if most of the people in a company believe that something is impossible—such as outsourcing, raising capital, finding qualified new employees, or reaching a certain sales or earnings target—that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, because the employees will operate according to a reality consistent with their beiefs. If something is impossible, there is no sense in trying to do it.

As amazing as that is, another remarkable thing occurs: When fundamental changes in our behavior and feelings occur after eliminating a few beliefs, we usually are not even aware of the change.

If there are no beliefs in the way, all we have to do to make a change in our way of living is to make a commitment to the change, and it usually occurs. Sometimes we don’t know how and have to get some needed information, and then the change happens. But it’s not so easy when there are beliefs in the way.

When we try to act inconsistently with our beliefs—such as trying to create wealth or relationships when we have beliefs that act as barriers, or trying to stop procrastination when we have beliefs that necessitate it—we are aware both of the struggle to change and our inability to produce lasting change.

Our Reality Changes Without Us Even Noticing It

But when the belief(s) is gone, we unconsciously do whatever we choose to do and there is no resistance. We just automatically do it. Because there is no resistance, because we are able to make the change so easily, we frequently are not even aware that the old barriers are gone.

One of the most dramatic examples of that fact was when I once asked a client whom I hadn’t talked to for a few months about her sex life. She replied, “It’s fine, why do you ask?” I read to her from her file the details of her lack of interest in sex that had plagued her for years, which she had related to me just a few months earlier. She was flabbergasted. “I totally forgot that that’s how it used to be. My new feelings and behavior now seem so natural and automatic I just take them for granted.”

When you drive down a highway and come across a barrier in the middle of the road, you are aware of trying to remove the roadblock so you can drive on. After you remove the roadblock and you then drive down that same highway a few times, at some point you drive down the highway and forget that the barrier had ever been there.

It’s so easy to create new possibilities for yourself. What are you waiting for?

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

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Get Into An Altered State of Consciousness in Minutes

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:36:03 +0000

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To experience a shift in one’s identity from “self” (one’s body, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior) to “SELF” (as consciousness, as a spiritual being) typically requires years of meditation. Some workshops claim to be able to provide that experience in several concentrated days. The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) assists people to make that shift in less than 30 minutes the first time and in less than 10 minutes thereafter.

Three of the questions included:

•    Is there anything missing?
•    What’s possible?
•    What limitations do you have?

How is The Shift in Identity Experienced?

For many years I used the term “creator space” to describe the spiritual state the client got into and called this new material, the “creator space process.” Because I wanted the name of the process to more accurately describe what the process is all about, last year I renamed the process “Who am I Really?” (WAIR?). You experience the answer to that question when you complete this short process.

The Lefkoe Belief Process Combines the Best of
Psychotherapy and Spiritual Practices

At some point I realized that the LBP was unique in that it combined the best of psychotherapy and spiritual practices.

So there are “two of us”: First, a “creation,” the human physical being, which is experienced as one’s body, thoughts, behavior, and feelings. This physical is born, lives a while, and dies. And second, a “creator”—the consciousness, energy, spiritual being—that “creates” the creation. This spiritual being is timeless, always was and always will be. While most disciplines deal with one or the other, the LBP deals with both.

To have that experience yourself, eliminate one belief free at http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free. The process there includes the WAIR? material at the end.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs and get a separate video of WAIR?, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions.

Everyone Knows Change is Difficult … Are You Sure?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:06:25 +0000

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

“Change is difficult, everyone knows that!” This is the response I frequently get when people ask me what I do and I reply that I can help them make fundamental life changes, easily, quickly and permanently.

Why do so many people believe that they have to put in a lot of time and effort, and need a lot of reinforcement, in order to produce a lasting change in their life? This belief comes from the same place all beliefs come from: the meaning we give our experience.

People hold this belief because they have tried unsuccessfully to change a variety of things in their lives, such as eating junk food, not sticking to an exercise program, getting into relationships they know are bad for them, having negative feelings like anger and anxiety, and procrastination. When I ask clients what they have done to produce change in the past, I get a litany of answers: therapy, books, workshops, hypnosis, EFT, NLP, willpower, support systems, etc.

For people who have spent years trying a variety of techniques to produce a real change in their behavior or feelings, and they haven’t succeeded, it was reasonable for them to conclude: Change is difficult, if not impossible. That’s why so many people hold this belief.

That leads us to the obvious question: Why is change so difficult? Very often we know our current behavior doesn’t make logical sense and is self-defeating. We know what we should do instead. We know the value of change. So why doesn’t all that information and motivation result in change?

People Who Know Reality Through Their Eyes

The answer to this question lies in how we know what we know. The overwhelming majority of people are visual, which means they know the truth about reality because they can see it. “What do you mean you disagree with me, can’t you see that I’m right? Look at the evidence.”

So if you think you see something out there in the world, it must be true.

For those of you who have used the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate a belief, you’ll remember there is a place in the process where the facilitator says: “Imagine being a child and observing the events that led you to form the belief. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see your belief?”

The answer for visual people is always: “Yes, I can see it.” And that is why it is so difficult to get rid of old, limiting beliefs and the behavior they engender: Because we think we saw the belief out there in the world many times.

When mom and dad are critical, we think we can see I’m not good enough in their comments and behavior. When mom and dad aren’t available when we want them, we think we can see I’m not important in their comments and behavior. When mom and dad make all the decisions and what we want is ignored, we think we can see I’m powerless in their comments and behavior.

Later in life we use logic and a bunch of other techniques to try to erase the belief. But our subconscious seems to be arguing: Maybe the belief doesn’t make sense, maybe it is self-defeating, maybe the behavior and emotions coming from the belief are ruining my life… but I saw it in the world, so it must be true.

What makes the Lefkoe Belief Process so effective is that it helps people realize that they actually never did see their belief in the world, that what they think they saw was, in fact, only one arbitrary interpretation of a series of events that has only existed in their minds. For example, not being able to get mom and dad’s attention could mean I’m not important. It also could mean that mom and dad just had poor parenting skills or they felt uncomfortable around kids, and their behavior had nothing to do with my importance.

When we give meaning to events that have no inherent meaning, it seems as if we can see that meaning in the events. Therefore, that meaning (belief) must be true. But, in fact, we don’t discover (see) the meaning in the events, we attribute the meaning to the events.

People Who Know Reality Through Their Feelings

For those people who know the truth through their feelings, earlier in their lives they felt the belief to be true. In other words, whenever mom and dad were critical, they didn’t see I’m not good enough, they felt I’m not good enough.

Why do such people trust their feelings to tell them the truth about reality? Because they think that their feelings are caused by reality, that their feelings tell them something about reality.

For example, if I feel uncomfortable with you and decide not to deal with you any more, why would I act on those feelings? Because I think there is something about you that is causing the feeling, so the feeling must be an accurate reflection of the way you really are.

For such people, using logic or motivation or most other techniques to get rid of beliefs doesn’t work because their subconscious is saying: But I felt (my belief) hundreds of times in the past, so it must be true despite evidence to the contrary right now.

Here the Lefkoe Belief Process helps people to realize that reality didn’t cause them to feel their beliefs; they caused the feeling by giving a particular meaning to the events that appear to cause the feeling. In other words, the fact that mom and dad were disappointed or angry at you didn’t cause you to feel I’m not good enough. You had to first say that those events meant I’m not good enough before you could feel that. If you had said instead that mom and dad’s behavior meant: Mom and dad have unreasonable expectations of me and their frustration or anger has nothing to do with me, their same behavior would have made you feel that meaning, instead of I’m not good enough.

So the next time you are trying to change something in your life (or are trying to help a friend change), remember that change without getting rid of the beliefs that cause the current behavior or feelings is almost impossible. And that change probably is difficult when you are convinced you either saw or felt the belief causing your current behavior or feeling on numerous occasions earlier in life. When you realize you never saw your belief and you caused the feeling, not reality, your belief will just dissolve. And when all the beliefs that cause an undesirable behavior or feeling are eliminated, the behavior and feeling disappears also.

When you know how to produce lasting change, it actually is very quick and easy.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really would appreciate your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Do You Really Want Your Child to Always be Well-Behaved?

Morty Lefkoe — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:48:51 +0000

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Remember the last time you heard a parent say: “My kids are wonderful. They always obey me.” Or, “They never talk back.” Or, “They are never a problem.” Did you sigh with envy and say, “Oh, I wish my kids were like that”? Think again. What would children have to believe about themselves to always obey, never talk back, or never be a problem?

I started out as a typical parent who sometimes envied those parents with “perfect” children. Then when my first daughter was about three, I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP), a technique that assists people to identify the specific beliefs that are responsible for any dysfunctional behavioral or emotional problem.

Examples of such problems include anxiety, concern with what others think of us, procrastination, lack of confidence, stress, self-criticism, and relationships that don’t work. After the beliefs are identified, the LBP enables people to quickly and permanently eliminate them. When the beliefs disappear, the problems do also.

What We’ve Learned From Our Clients

In working directly with over 13,000 clients we have seen how the beliefs we form in childhood determine how our lives turn out in almost every respect. And, most importantly, how the beliefs that lead to “good behavior” as a child are not necessarily the best beliefs to have later in life.

Most of us would be thrilled if we called our child and told her dinner was ready and we found her sitting at the table seconds later. But what would she have to believe if she was totally immersed in playing when we called and she immediately dropped what she was doing to come to dinner? She would have to consider what we want to be more important than what she wants, which might result from such beliefs as What I want doesn’t matter and I’m not important.

The biggest problem many of us have with our younger children is getting them into the car when we have to leave the house. A child who was always ready to leave would bring joy to any parent’s heart. But, again, what beliefs would a child have to have to always act that way? In addition to the two just named, another belief might be The way to be accepted is to make people happy, to never upset them.

Some Specific Consequences As an Adult

What are the long-term consequences of such beliefs? One of our clients, Joan, always did what her parents wanted when she was a kid. Her parents described her as “the perfect child.” Two of the beliefs that made her compliant as a child were What I want doesn’t matter and I’m not important. As an adult these same beliefs led to passive behavior and a sense of victimization. Larry, another client, had concluded early in life: The way to be accepted is to make people happy, to never upset them. His problem as an adult was an obsession with what others thought of him and a fear of expressing his own opinions.

In session after session we have heard thousands of clients describe the experiences they had with their parents that resulted in the beliefs they were trying to eliminate as an adult: “My mom and dad always did …, they never did …, they always said …, they never said ….”

In my book, Re-create Your Life: Transforming Yourself and Your World, I explain in detail how what parents do and don’t do, say and don’t say, provide their children with the experiences that the children interpret into beliefs. As I began to see how our behavior as parents led to our children forming beliefs that then determined the rest of their lives, I began to question the long-range implications of having children “obey.”

Short Term Benefits versus Long Term Costs

Maybe getting children to behave is good for us as parents, but not necessarily good for our children. It might make our lives easier but what does it do to them? My wife Shelly and I asked ourselves the question: If we succeed in getting our children to do what we want, and, as a result of our interactions with our children, they form negative self-esteem beliefs, such as, I’m not good enough or I’m not worthwhile, or other negative beliefs, such as, What I want doesn’t matter or I’ll never get what I want, is what we achieved short term with our children worth the long-term cost?

I’m not saying that our children’s behavior on a daily basis is not important. Of course it is. There are some things that children need to do for their health and well-being and there are some things children need to do for our well-being. We clearly would be remiss as parents if we took a totally hands-off attitude and allowed our children to do whatever they wanted. So we need to learn parenting skills that enable us to influence our children’s behavior when necessary, without leading to negative conclusions.

A Parenting Tip

For example, instead of calling our children just when we are about to sit down to dinner or two minutes before we are about to leave the house, expecting them to drop whatever they are doing because our schedule requires their presence, we can give our children ample warning. Fifteen minutes before we will need them we can ask them what they are doing, acknowledge that it probably is very important to them, and then ask them if they can complete whatever they’re doing in fifteen minutes because dinner will be ready, we will be leaving the house, etc. If we treat them with dignity and respect what is important to them, the odds are good they will respect our needs, without forming any negative beliefs about themselves.

And that is the crucial point. The single factor that has the greatest impact on whether or not our children achieve happiness and true satisfaction in life is a healthy self-esteem, a positive sense of life, and other positive beliefs.

To make this real, let’s assume that your child has one of the two following sets of beliefs: I’m not good enough; There’s something wrong with me; I’m not deserving; I don’t matter; I’m powerless—or : I am good enough; I’m worthwhile just because I am, not for any reason; I am worthy and deserving; I matter; Life is whatever I make it.

Which Set of Beliefs Would Lead to a Good Life?

Which set of beliefs would most likely lead to anxiety and depression? To substance abuse? To satisfying relationships? To a productive career? To a truly satisfying life?

Given that fact, what do you think that the major role of parents should be? Getting children to behave, or assisting them to create positive decisions about themselves and life?

If you chose the latter, the best way I know to insure that you are getting your job as a parent done is constantly to ask yourself the question: What is my child likely to conclude about himself and life as a result of this interaction we just had? If it is a positive belief, congratulations! You got your job done. If it is a negative one, go back, apologize and clean it up.

After we’ve changed our focus as parents, from getting our children to obey, to assisting them to create a positive attitude about themselves and life, we may no longer consider the ultimate parenting accolade to be: “Your child is so well-behaved.” We may come to prefer: “Your child has such a positive attitude about herself and life.”

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your crippling self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase an on-line interactive program where you can eliminate 19 limiting beliefs, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html.

Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.

How to live a life without stress

Morty Lefkoe — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 01:42:11 +0000

It is possible to get rid of your stress.

“Yeah, sure,” you might say. “And how exactly am I supposed to get rid of all the stressful things in my life?”

Here’s how I answered that question for myself.

I was filled with anxiety for most of my life. I worried about what people thought of me, I was worried about not having enough money, and I worried about my mother who was having a difficult time after divorcing my father when I was three. If worry causes stress, I was overwhelmed with stress from the time I was a child.

My way of dealing with the “things that were causing stress in my life” could be summed up in the phrase I uttered at least several times a day for the first 20 years of my life: “I can’t wait until I grow up and then I’ll be able to ….” My life was always focused on changing my circumstances some day so that the anxiety would go away and I would be happy.

After many years of therapy, workshops, and self-help books the stress had lessened somewhat, and I was coping with my difficult circumstances better, but I was still trying to change what was happening in my life to gain happiness. I noticed that I was now in my 40s and I still hadn’t managed to change things enough to make me happy and relieve my constant stress.

It was only after I started using a belief-eliminating process I had created that I realized that the stress was not coming from what was happening, but from the meaning I was placing on what was happening. Once I was able to change the meaning, the stress literally disappeared.

For example, before I married my current wife Shelly (to whom I have now been married for 26 glorious years), I had been married twice before. Neither relationship worked very well or lasted very long. Most of my married life with these two women was very stressful. At the time, I blamed my wives and said all I needed to do was to find the right woman, in other words, change my circumstances.

So I tried it for the third time, hopefully with the “right” woman. Unfortunately, right after we got married I noticed the stress was still there.

About that time I started looking for and eliminating the beliefs that were causing the problems in my life. One problem was that I was incredibly needy. I actually believed that I couldn’t survive without a woman in my life who loved me. That belief led me to place so much pressure on my wives that our relationships were constantly stressful. Once I eliminated that belief and a bunch of others (most importantly, what makes me good enough and important is having people like me and think well of me), the neediness stopped. And when the neediness stopped, and when a bunch of negative beliefs about myself were gone and I realized I was loveable and worthy of being loved, my relationship with my current wife transformed.

The same person and the same circumstances, but instead of trying to get my sense of okeyness from my marriage, I brought my sense of okeyness to my marriage. It made all the difference in the world. And the stress was gone.

I’m reminded of a news story I read in the mid-1990s when a lot of middle-level managers were losing their jobs. The article interviewed a number of these out-of-work people. Some of them were very stressed, worrying about making ends meet. Some of them, however, were very happy and seemed to exhibit no stress at all.

People in this latter group experienced being fired as an opportunity to do something they had always wanted to do and had never done because they were “stuck” in their jobs. They either created one-person consulting firms, opened some type of retail store, or went back to school and changed professions entirely.

If losing your job means you will never find another way to make money, you will be stressed. If losing your job means you can now do something even more nurturing and satisfying, you will be excited about the same event.

You see, events don’t have any inherent meaning. Circumstances don’t mean anything until you give them a meaning … and one meaning can be stressful while another might be enlivening. Stress is caused by the meaning we give to events-which in turn is caused by our negative beliefs and feelings about ourselves, people, and the world we live in. The beliefs can easily be eliminated with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) and the feelings with the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).

Imagine that you are about to undertake an important project and have the beliefs: “I don’t think I can do it. I think I will fail and failure is bad” How do you feel? … You’d feel stress-and would blame the project for causing the stress. Now imagine the same project, but this time you have the beliefs: “I’m competent. I know I’ll do a great job. And if I don’t my results don’t mean anything about who I am.” How do you feel now? … Notice that the project is no longer causing stress.

The following is a list of some beliefs that clients complaining of stress have identified and eliminated. Can you see that anyone with beliefs such as these probably would experience stress?

Say each of the following beliefs out loud. If any of them resonate with you, it’s probably a belief you hold. Even though you may have held it since you were a child, and even if you’ve tried a number of ways to get rid of it, you can get rid of it using the right approach. I had many of these myself and eradicated them all.

“If I fail it means I’m stupid.”
“I’m not competent.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Nothing I do is good enough.”
“I’ll never get what I want.”
“Mistakes are bad.”
“If I make a mistake it means I’m bad and stupid.”
“Life is difficult.”
“People can’t be trusted.”
“I’m powerless.”
“I have no control over my life.”
“I don’t measure up.”
“The unknown is scary.”
“If I do something wrong, something terrible will happen.”

Assume that you didn’t have these or any other related beliefs. Imagine, instead, that you believed, “There is no such thing as failure; everything is merely a learning experience.” And, “I’m fine just the way I am; I don’t have to do anything to be okay and accepted by others.” Would you still be likely to experience as much stress as you do now?

Most of the techniques commonly used to deal with stress focus on how to better cope with stress after we experience it. For example, meditation, deep breathing, and visualizations can sometimes alleviate it for the moment. Our work, on the other hand, assists people to totally eliminate their stress (or not even get it in the first place) by getting rid of the beliefs that cause it.

One client, a psychotherapist who lived with constant stress, described how the Lefkoe Belief Process helped her overcome it.

“At my first session with Shelly Lefkoe I told her: ‘I’m overwhelmed. I’m confused. Scattered. I’m not focused. All over the place. I can’t organize. Frightened by competition. It keeps me from being successful. There is an emptiness I have to fill. I feel anxious and stressed all the time.’

“Shelly helped me eliminate a number of beliefs, after which my life changed dramatically. Today I have a grounded sense of confidence. I enjoy life more. I feel better about who I am. I now believe I am worthy of being taken seriously. Unlike what my mother used to say, ‘No one could take you seriously,’ I know I have much to offer people.

“The emptiness is gone. I have an inner joy. I accept what I can do and have confidence that I can do it. It doesn’t matter what others are doing. The other guy is not such a threat anymore. Finally, I have a sense of poise in the world that I lacked before. I used to be seen as this naive, wimpy type. I don’t think that’s what I project any more. I project a stronger image. I’m someone I’m happy to be. The anxiety and stress are gone.”

As I said when I started this post, it is possible to get rid of your stress. I’ve done it and I know a lot of others who have too. Change the meaning you are giving to the events in your life by changing your beliefs, and you, too, will see your stress melt away like ice cream on a hot summer day.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using The Lefkoe Method, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one belief free.

Tags: beliefs, BlogDesk, changing beliefs, eliminate beliefs, eliminating beliefs, fear of public speaking, motivation, personal change, personal growth, power of beliefs, produce change, psychotherapy, solving problems

Tags: stress, worry, worrying