One of the biggest sources of unhappiness in our lives is the arguments we have with our friends and loved ones. In fact, for many people, the major source of stress in their lives is the arguments they have with friends and loved ones.
Remember your last argument: You were in the middle of a calm, possibly even enjoyable conversation, when suddenly, and from out of nowhere, something happened. You don’t know what precipitated it, but without warning you found yourself upset, wondering why the other person said and did things that were so hurtful. And before you knew it, you were screaming at each other!
These arguments happen regularly in even the best of relationships. They not only often leave us upset for the rest of the day, even more importantly, they often undermine the trust and intimacy that you’ve built in your relationship.
Many people will tell you that arguments are inevitable. They are inherent in the very nature of close relationships. As a result there are thousands of books, articles, courses, and You Tube videos that tell you how to deal with them more effectively once they get started.
I’m going to show you how to stop having arguments
I disagree that arguments are inevitable. I contend that it is possible to stop having arguments—and I don’t mean suppressing your upsets or avoiding conflict.
I’ve written many times about how we give meaning to meaningless events and how to stop attributing meaning. (https://www.mortylefkoe.com/important-improve-life/) I contend that virtually all arguments are the result of giving meaning and that, if we did not give meaning to what our partner or friend did or said, there would be no argument.
I’ll describe how I used to argue with my daughter Brittany to illustrate my point.
How I learned to stop arguing
From the time she was born, I had always had a very close relationship with Brittany. She would tell me what she was thinking and feeling quite often. I usually visited Brittany after she came home from school and asked her how her day went and we had a nice chat. When she reached 13-14 years old, she changed. I joke that she was captured by aliens who left one of their own in her place, because my daughter couldn’t not possibly have acted the way my daughter acted between the ages of 13 and 18-19! (In fact this is a natural part of a child’s development.)
At any rate, by the time she was a freshman in high school she had started getting angry at me frequently, telling me I was annoying (and worse), saying she didn’t feel like talking, and asking me to leave her room.
I usually responded with something like: “Why are you angry with me? What did I do?” Those questions usually led to Brittany getting even more annoyed and her yelling at me to get out of her room. My response to her yelling usually led to an argument that left both of us upset.
What prompted me to say things to her that led to the arguments? The meaning I was giving her behavior: She was ruining our relationship (which was very important to me); she was angry with me; I couldn’t talk to her any more; etc. I didn’t like those meanings, so I tried to say something that would change the situation. My attempts to defend myself or change Brittany inevitably led to an argument.
At some point I started to ask myself, what else could her behavior mean? Several possible answers included: She was individuating, as she should be doing. She had a problem that day with one of her teachers. Her hormones were raging. She had some difficulties with friends during the day. Etc. Did I ever “see” that something fundamental had happened to “ruin” our relationship? That I wouldn’t ever be able to talk to her the way we had in the past? No, I didn’t see that. I only saw her behavior, which could have many different meanings other than the one I had given it.
In other words, I realized that her behavior didn’t inherently mean what I thought it meant. I realized that I was attributing those meaning to her behavior. I realized her behavior didn’t have any inherent meaning.
I tried something different
So one day, as a result of doing the type of thinking I just described, I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t respond to her accusations. I didn’t get upset. I merely got up and left the room without saying a word. And after I left the room and closed her door, I said: “Honey, I hear a daughter who loves her dad very much and who’s probably having a hard day. Sorry about that. I love you too sweetheart.”
As I walked away I heard a shoe bounce off the door. Ten minutes later she came out of her room, threw her arms around me, kissed me, and apologized for being shitty.
She got annoyed at me and yelled at me and kicked me out of her room many times over the next 4-5 years, but for the most part I no longer reacted to what she said and did. I was clear that it had no meaning. As a result of my not reacting, the arguments stopped. And because we stopped arguing, we formed an even closer bond between us. She knew I loved her unconditionally and would always be there for her because I didn’t argue with her (which is usually interpreted as withdrawing your love) when she get annoyed with me or yelled at me.
I no longer argue with anyone
For the last couple of years I’ve been able to do this with my wife, Shelly, and almost everyone else I deal with. By not giving anything they say or do any meaning, I don’t get upset. And because I don’t get upset, there are no arguments.
Try it and enjoy the results
Remember, events have no inherent meaning, so nothing your loved one (or anyone else) does can upset you or make you angry. What produces the upset or anger is the meaning you make up to explain why the other person did what they did. (See my TEDx talk for more details on how this works, along with an exercise showing you how to use the Lefkoe Freedom Process to stop giving meaning to events. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMdVM-t5kFs)
For example, if your partner doesn’t do something you asked her to do and then you give the event the meaning that you can’t get what you want, you will get angry. If you give the event the meaning that your partner doesn’t care about what you want, you will be hurt or upset. If you say that you could give your partner’s behavior many different meanings but, in fact, it has no inherent meaning, you will feel nothing. You probably will just calmly do it yourself or ask your partner again if she will do it.
Imagine no longer arguing with your friends, family, and other loved ones. … I know, that’s hard to imagine. But try anyway. … Just imagine situations that used to lead to arguments, and pretend there are no more arguments. … Feels good, doesn’t it? It’s a goal worth striving for, isn’t it?
The next time you are in a situation where someone says or does something that upsets you, ask yourself what meaning you are giving their behavior or comments that is producing the upset. As soon as you realize you made up the meaning, that it is not inherent in the events, it will dissolve.
It probably will take some practice to stop giving meaning to someone else’s behavior, but when you do, arguments will become a thing of the past. Relationships will improve dramatically. And the quality of your life will skyrocket.
A PERSONAL NOTE TO MY READERS:
I cannot thank you enough for the hundreds of messages of love and support. And I know that many of you who haven’t written have been sending me love and support also.
Thanks for loving me. I love you too.
Thanks for reading my blog. Please post your questions or comments on living a life without arguments. Disagreement is as welcome as agreement. Your comments add value for thousands of readers. I love to read them all and I will respond to as many as I can.
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Copyright © 2014 Morty Lefkoe
I like what you guys are usually up too. Such clever work and reporting!
Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve added you guys to my own blogroll.
Will try this with my daughter and granddaughter (I live with both) as our arguments do tend to rip at the relationships. What I do tell my eight-year-old granddaughter, though, is “I am NOT arguing with you-just do what I tell you to do!” This usually cuts it off-but-if not, then go for the “big gun” and tell her IF she doesn’t cooperate will tell her Mom that she’s being uncooperative. That gets her moving in the right direction every time!
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I get the example that Morty gave about his daughter but that is a child growing up and getting independent. What to do when you are in an adult relationship with acts that way?
Yes they may need time to assimilate their own issue (job loss, boss upset, etc) but without clear communication with a partner there is no relationship.
If my partner is distant, tells me to leave them alone Sure I interpret their actions as cutting me out, leaving me to worry.
If they communicated their fear rather than leave me in the dark to worry then a dialogue takes place and maybe a resolution.
Yes I give meaning to non-communication as telling me I don’t count, I’m not important.etc
But if I was to just act with people who hurt me, that I shouldn’t attribute meaning to this situation I would let people treat me like ‘crap’ and get away with it.
I guess I need to get more understanding on this.
I used to think that I was doing the right thing by standing up for myself, being vocal about my limits and not letting people treat me like crap. In one sense I was. It was empowering up to a point.
Choosing to not attribute meaning to their behavior is like a subtle version of not sticking around for their behavior. Not sticking around for the behavior — or not buying into it — is a way to prevent people from treating you like crap. It also doesn’t escalate the situation like responding defensively might. For me, this attitude is a starting point for non violent communication technique. When I’m coming from a place of neutrality I can better hear what the other person really wants.
My shift had a profound effect on my personal relationships. Pathological and manipulative people went away because they could no longer get any traction. Healthy people who were genuinely interested in a healthy relationship with me stuck around and we got closer.
I wanted to add: This didn’t negate acts in service of self-preservation. From time to time I take decisive action with bad actors in my life. All I’m saying is I encounter bad actors at lost less often now even though I work and live in the same place as before. The Lefkoe practice of separating what is happening from what it “means” brought a lot of peace and ease to my life, in a dynamic positive way. It is not passivity. For me it is being proactive at a very fundamental level.
This is AWESOME!!!!!! Great explanation of detachment in very simple terms! Thank you, thank you! :)
I see attributing meaning where there is none as a kind of defense system – defense against not knowing why they are behaving in a certain way – just as Morty describes with his daughter above. The trouble is the meaning you attribute is likely as not, untrue and as such is also likely to create an argument – a conflict of truths. What the truth of any situation is, is often, if not always, hard to grasp, I think, and as some of the comments above say, there are different layers to this whole issue. For example, once you’ve got to the point where you no longer attribute meanings that don’t apply, there is still energy there: someone’s angry energy, kind energy, loving energy. It’s probably not a good idea to respond to angry energy in an angry way, but it can be fun and good to respond to loving energy in a loving way. Well, that’s as far as I’ve got anyway.
When we silence our minds and observe, the result is the same. Someone arguing becomes suprising, like seeing a fox stealing food in the garden one morning, or starting to laugh after having slipped on a wet lawn. On some energy level we can also feel what the other person are feeling, some more then others, some days more then others. So a good response when feeling someone angry could also be to feel them in us and try to love that. Often that makes them become us, instead of us becoming them, emotionally energeticly speaking. Something worth testing. I feel often we become angry, because we try to defend against their energy flowing over and into us. A better response would be in that case, if the mind is silent and we still feel the anger, to welcome it and turn it over to God, who never seem to get overwhelmed, by any emotion or energy, and dont strive to defend, or for separation. There is something deep in us that really want to know all of us, feel all of us. Whether it is us as separation, or us as the situation, or the other person. If we only observe. (Sometimes the other person might just be acting out some anger WE are supressing(or some energy in the surroundings), which means that their anger is really our problem to, from some point of view a great opportunity)
Sometimes people are genuinely annoyed at you, and they won’t necessarily communicate that directly. If you behave as if their behaviour has no meaning to you, and don’t engage in conversation that seeks to understand them, surely that would undermine the relationship? Of course, they may respond by attempting to verbalise things more directly, but many people don’t do this – many divorces occur because one party bottles up frustrations for years and then simply leaves.
If I do not react on the someone’s annoying behaviour, he/she could think I accept the behaviour.
I agree that this is one way to create a more harmonious way of being with your loved ones, but I personally prefer to ‘see’ beyond the statement just said by a person to what their feelings and needs are behind the words and if I connect to those instead, this really helps.
For example, someone shouting at me and expressing anger may be feeling frightened or be experiencing some kind of fear, which come out as anger… the technique I use is the ‘Non-Violent Communication’ (NVC) technique written about by Marshall B. Rosenberg in his book “Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life”.
I would strongly and warmly recommend everyone to read his book and discover a different way of relating which leads to so much more understanding and connection.
I don’t believe that assigning “no meaning” to what someone says is super helpful, I can see that it can work, but I prefer to allow the meaning to be the underlying ‘need’ of the person – instead of the possibly harsh words spoken. This way, the other person will feel heard and is most likely to stop shouting etc.
Here’s a sentence from the book that I love, which took me a while to digest, but which I now fully believe to be true: “Judgements of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”
Sophie thank you I will look into this book.
I understand that often the other person in the argument is having issues too but I have had hard time getting beyond the fact that often the argument arises because I see/feel that they don’t care about me and that is why they continue to act/say what they do.
I like arguing sometimes, it gives my brain a workout. The people in my life that mind this, I generally will ignore their behaviour in future as it no longer interests me. Those that enjoy the arguments as much I do, we just have another glass of wine and continue our relationship!
But when we dont argue, especially in relationships, will not the other person feel that we are no longer interested in them??