I rarely give advice in my weekly blog post. I focus on the relationship between beliefs/conditioning and having the life you want to have. That is my area of real expertise.

But there is one aspect of life in which I think I am an expert, where I think I can give some very useful advice: how to improve your relationship with your significant other (spouse or steady partner). Shelly and I have created an incredible relationship and I think some of the things we do can significantly improve your relationship, although you might have to eliminate some beliefs in order to implement some of the suggestions.

The door closes

After Shelly and I had decided to get married but before the wedding, she complained about the fact that I was already leading a couple of evening seminars a week and was thinking about taking on an additional one. She said that it didn’t make sense for her to live with me if I was never going to be home to be with her. It wasn’t a threat, but the clear implication was that it made no sense to her for us to live together if I was going to be away “so often.”

I said, “I only have one demand if we are going to get married.”  Now, Shelly is not someone who does well with demands, so she responded with surprise: “Excuse me!” I said, “I promise I will never cheat on you, I will never do anything I know will hurt you, and I am willing to work on myself to fix anything that is a problem in our relationship, but if we are going to be together, as of this moment you have to give up the right to leave, your commitment has to be absolute.  If you are going to marry me I want your word that this is forever.”

I explained, “If we agree there we will never ‘entertain leaving,’ then we will have to find a way to make our relationship work. As long as leaving is a possibility, then there will never be a total commitment to making it work.”

Shelly was stunned.  She told me later that she was terrified to make such a commitment.  She had experienced the “freedom of a single life” for over 30 years. But she said that at that moment when she chose to give me the commitment it was as if a safe vault door was shut and she was on the inside.  She later told me that the freedom she had experienced when she made the commitment was amazing.

In the early years of our marriage when we did argue a lot and had a lot of disagreements, this commitment that we had both made always kept us focused on finding a solution instead of thinking that we could leave if it didn’t work out.

Love for no reason

I’ve written about this next “tip” before, so let me review it briefly and give you a link to read about it in more detail. https://www.mortylefkoe.com/love-unconditionally/#

When Shelly and I were living together, shortly before we got married, she asked me why I loved her.  I answered her, “Just because I say so.”

She didn’t like this answer.  She wanted to know which qualities about her made me love her.  I kept insisting that I only loved her because I said so, not for any particular reason.

At some point I explained what I meant.  “If I love you for specific reasons, then my love is conditioned on you being a certain way.  If you stopped being that way or if you weren’t that way at a given time, I wouldn’t love you.  But if I love you just because I say so, then my love is unconditional and I can and will love you no matter what you do or don’t do.” I’ve repeated this to Shelly many times during the past 30 years and I think it’s finally okay with her.

As a result of this unconditional love, whenever I haven’t feel love toward Shelly at any given moment, I realized that I was not creating it and that it was up to me to figure out why and to start creating it again. I wasn’t blaming her for anything and I wasn’t waiting for her to change in some way.  That gave me complete control over the way I felt about her, in other words, there was not only nothing she had to do to make me love her, there was nothing she could do that would lead to me not loving her.

I love a lot of things that Shelly does—such as the way she supports me, the way she loves me, and the way we read each other’s minds—but I don’t love her because of those things. So I am able to love her just as much when she doesn’t do those things as when she does.

This tip alone has me able to love Shelly 24/7, 365 days a year, regardless of what she does or doesn’t do. It makes for an incredible relationship.

Create love newly every day

Closely related to the prior suggestion is the importance of creating love for each other every day. I don’t try to remember how much I loved Shelly yesterday, I just wake up and create loving her, newly, every day. The first thing I say to her every morning is: I love you. Which is usually the last thing I say to her before we go to sleep at night.

I probably tell her how much I love her at least five times a day and frequently send her Google chats or emails that say: “Just in case you forgot: I love you massively.”

I find that the very act of saying “I love you” makes it easier to create that feeling in me.

(While I was editing this post Shelly suddenly appeared in my office, walked over to me, kissed me, and then walked out. Does life get any better than that?)

Stop giving meaning to things your partner says and does

As a result of implementing the relationship suggestions I’ve made above, Shelly and I have always had a very good relationship, even when we argued a lot in the early days. But even after eliminating all the beliefs we could find about ourselves and relationships, and after living the suggestions I’ve made in this post, there were still daily things that Shelly did that resulted in me feeling frustrated or annoyed with her.

For example, when I married Shelly over 30 years ago I was a mess.  I had just been divorced for a second time and was getting depressed frequently.  When we argued my way of coping with my upsets was to withdraw … and not just for a few hours. I’d withdraw for a couple of days!  Shelly, on the other hand, would “get off it” (in other words, let go of the upset) in an hour or so and then wonder why I was reacting to something that had ended hours or even days before.

As I used The Lefkoe Method (TLM) to eliminate beliefs and conditionings, the time it took me to let go of my upset decreased, until, like Shelly, I could get off it in an hour or so after the argument was over.

At some point we created a friendly competition to see who could get off it first, in other words, who would be the first one to let go of the upset totally and be back in relationship with the other person. I ultimately acquired the ability to do that during an argument (as opposed to after it was over). I was able to stop right in the middle of it and just smile and say: “I’m sorry that whatever I am doing is upsetting you.  Is there anything I can do to resolve this?  I love you.”

Here’s what’s important about what I was doing. I didn’t say these words to placate Shelly or use extreme will power while still being upset.  I was able to stop the upset and then say words that were true for me.

How did I learn to do that?  I started asking myself what meaning I was giving Shelly’s behavior and comments.  I realized that my upset was due to the meaning I was giving her behavior, not due to what she actually said or did.  And then I followed two steps to get rid of that meaning.

First I realized that Shelly’s behavior had no inherent meaning, in fact, I realized that all events in the world have no meaning. Then I asked myself if I could literally “see” the meaning I had given her actions and statements.  Obviously I never could “see” the meaning I had given, I could only “see” the events.

So it became clear to me that the meaning existed only in my mind.  What she was doing and saying had no inherent meaning.  The only meaning was the one I had given it.

As you know if you’ve eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, events that have no meaning can’t make us feel anything.  So the upset that I thought Shelly had “caused” was, in fact, caused by the meaning I had given what Shelly did and said. When that became real, the upset literally disappeared.

For example, if your partner doesn’t do something you asked her to do and then you give the event the meaning that you can’t get what you want, you will get angry.  If you give the event the meaning that your partner doesn’t care about what you want, you will be hurt or upset.  If you say that your partner’s behavior has no inherent meaning, you will feel nothing.  You’ll probably just calmly do what you needed yourself or ask your partner again if she will do it.

And that is something you can learn to do consistently, with practice.

Try implementing these four suggestions and then use the comment section below to let us know how they affect your relationship. Great relationships really are possible.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

18 Comments

  1. Simona September 14, 2011 at 8:43 pm - Reply

    This post about loving unconditionally is so like holy water to me. My husband and I have hold on tight to our catholic marriage and decided because of our faith to solve our conflicts rather than break apart. Now after reading this blog I wish i would have found those note before. It took us 7 years and a lot of searching to get to where we are.We pretty much spend or I should say wasted 7 years of our life searching for what is on this blog. We were fighting because of the meaning we were giving to our actions. I was holding my grunch for days and never able to let it go. Days, months, years.After eliminating several believes using The Lefkoe Methods and reading Panic Away ebook which helped me to overcome my general anxiety disorder I sorry we are the happiest family in whole Universe. I will always suggest to read TLM even if you don’t think you have a believe, you will be surprise to find that you could improve yourself in 30 minutes. Thank U Morty Lefkoe from the bottom of my heart.

    • Morty Lefkoe September 15, 2011 at 10:52 am - Reply

      Hi Simona,

      Thanks so much for telling me how our work has helped your relationship with your husband.

      Congratulations.

      Love, Morty

  2. MyNameIsIrene September 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm - Reply

    Morty,

    Can I become outgoing person who enjoys socializing? I am quite a recluse, and been said that is “nature”, thus, given. I feel like I got bad cards in life because of that, because it is clear that social networking is very important, for jobs, but as well for being accepted. I am not asking about social phobia and like, I am specifically asking about needing people, wanting to socialize.. because even if you’re not phobic being too withdrawn is worse than being a social butterfly. Again, feel like I got bad cards being like this.

    Please answer, I am really desperate, been searching for fix of this for 10 years without (much/any) help. Whole my life suffers, I am avoiding new social situations so most jobs are out of the question because I cant talk to people in office, I lost a few years of college due social dysfunction, I cant have a boyfriend because they leave me when they get tired of my dysfunction, i also think that I am unattractive because they get bored with me because I dont want to do anything or go anywhere.. I am imersed in my thoughts 99% of time. Just like everybody else, they are more attracted to energetic, bubbly, enthusiastic girls.

    So my life’s pretty much nonexistent and huge struggle because of socializing. I know huge part of this is self-esteem beliefs and social fear, but what about “nature” ? Will getting rid of limiting beliefs make me how I want to be – bubbly, energetic and having fun a lot.

    Thanks Morty.

  3. Danny August 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm - Reply

    Hey Morty,

    I loved this post, and I found it very useful for most situations…
    But my story is different. I’m single, and I want to find a woman that I will truly love. But isn’t that the problem? I think that I’ll fall in love easily if I’ll meet a woman that I will give a good meaning to her behaviour. But I didn’t find one yet.
    What you are saying here, is that I can love any woman unconditionally? How will I fall in love in the first place, if I won’t give meaning to a woman’s behaviour?

    Take care, Danny

    • Morty Lefkoe August 15, 2011 at 9:18 am - Reply

      Hi Danny,

      You will fall in love based on your values. If you meet someone who is the type of woman you value (personal growth, loving, caring, similar interests, etc.) and you fall in love, you don’t have to give meaning to specific things she does.

      Love, Morty

  4. Justin | Mazzastick August 10, 2011 at 7:38 pm - Reply

    Hey Morty,
    I like the practical solutions that you offered in your post. When I think of why I love my wife and son the only reason is because I do much like your answers.

    Freeing myself of conditions was the best move that I ever chose in regards to creating awesome relationships.

  5. Lauren August 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm - Reply

    Morty,
    Sharing your own experiences with Shelley is what makes this whole blog post come alive. My husband and I have been married for 28 years; we had our share of arguments esp. when we were dating. Lloyd was the one I always wanted to be with. We had a lot in common and just seemed to “click”. Of course, that didn’t mean we always got along and there were times when I’d go as long as a whole night without speaking to him. The Occurring Course helped me tremendously in learning that my giving a meaning to what he did or said is what cause the upset. What I can count on is his loyalty….and mine. When our daughter died, it was a huge shock for both of us. However, something kept us going-our other two children, our attention to one another, allowing one another to heal in our own time, therapy for me-perhaps that something was our committment to one another.
    Today, we were eating breakfast in town and he was out of sorts and in the past I would have been hurt and upset because he wasn’t talking much. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, “I’m just looking.” His back was hurting from cutting and stacking firewood the day before. Then, I realized how happy I was and that I wasn’t allowing his preoccupation and looking and listening without speaking much to bring me down. He doesn’t say, “I love you” much, but I do and learning how to deal with arguments is the greatest gift I’ve ever learned.
    Love and Light,
    Lauren
    PS I used the LBP to get rid of “No one cares or is interested in what I have to say.” after our conversation last week. Since then, I’ve felt my level of confidence rise even higher. Sometimes, I get into a “funk” about something and I realize that it is because of a belief or an occurring or maybe a conditioning. . Thanks for helping me clarify

  6. gustavo August 10, 2011 at 3:29 pm - Reply

    “Just in case you forgot: I love you massively.” Ha Ha Ha, that was good morty, make me laugh, it’s a smart one to keep.

  7. Alex Barthe August 10, 2011 at 11:19 am - Reply

    Poly intimate relationships are possible but it really depends on the couple. I don’t condemn it and I know someone personally who prefers the lifestyle. I however, choose monogamous, committed relationships. I want to create a deeper sense of meaning with my partner based on congruent life goals, principles, and values. Having a relationship like that with more than one person would be difficult for me.

    I don’t see anything wrong with permanent commitment. It’s definitely a harder route to take and but long-term (if you choose your partner wisely) it could be one of the greatest personal growth experiences ever.

    Why not spend the rest of your life with someone who’ll love you unconditionally and inspire you to become a better person on a daily basis?

  8. Alex August 10, 2011 at 9:30 am - Reply

    I’m just a chode and I know nothing about relationships, but there’s this guy called Johnny Soporno who has this philosophy where the main principle is that both you and your woman have to be polyamorous. You gotta make your woman promise that she will get with other men, always free to be with whomever she wants. By the same token, you also see other women. And, supposedly, when the two of you are free of monogamy, that’s when you’re both free to be yourselves and do whatever you both want without having to worry about “behaving” or “cheating” or anything like that. It’s kind of a cool mentality, actually.

    I’m mentioning it because it totally clashes with Morty’s idea of permanent commitment. Of course nobody has the truth or the one way to do things, but I thought it was worth mentioning, because Johnny’s paradigm shift is the coolest ting I’ve seen. He has free seminars on video at http://www.seductivereasoning.com/

  9. Raymond Bork August 10, 2011 at 3:46 am - Reply

    Hi Morty,

    I too have a loving relationship, with my wife of almost 25 years. To reach the stage of unconditional love my wife and I have for each other has though taken a number of years.
    We went through a period of arguing and fall outs in the early stages of our relationship but persevered. There was obviously a core emotional attachment between us that sustained us through those stressful times.

    Many couples today are very unwilling to put up with any kind of friction for the sake of a relationship. Because of that intransigence they may be condemning themselves to spending a very long time searching for ‘the one’.

  10. Maria August 10, 2011 at 2:53 am - Reply

    Hi Morty…

    Thank you for this blog post…how does one unconditionally love a husband who has not had a job for over a year, and i have had to single-handedly support a family with two children…and slowly growing resentful.

    Any time I bring it up, no matter how gentle I put it, he gets defensive and treats me like his mother…

    Ive been patient, and left him alone…but feel like my needs are being sidelined while he casually figures out what he wants to do. So far I have supported every project, two of which have unfortunately not gone well, and I am now finding it hard to stay…The money is not the issue, its the false promise, the constant let downs…

    Please help…I dont know how else to feel, I do my best to be compassionate…but I am tired.

    • Alex Barthe August 10, 2011 at 7:08 am - Reply

      I’m curious to know what your beliefs are whenever you think about your husband’s situation. Are you thinking “I wish he could understand things from my perspective.” Maybe you believe that you’re powerless to change your situation, having your husband think well of you makes you important, and that nothing you do is good enough.

      And what are your husband’s beliefs? Is he thinking “I’m not a real man because I can’t support my family like I used to”?

      Morty, any thoughts on Maria’s situation?

    • Morty Lefkoe August 10, 2011 at 10:31 am - Reply

      Hi Maria,

      I’m truely sorry about your difficult situation.

      You may not be able to change your situation, but you can change the meaning you give it, which will change how you feel about it. If your husband is doing what he is doing because of his beleifs and his beleifs are the inevitable result of his childhood, then he has little choice in what he is doing. So you could actually feel sorry for a man who is unable to support his family and probably feels guilty and anxious every day.

      If you looked at the situation and figured out how to best deal with a difficult situation, instead of experiencing yourself as a victim (which is the result of the meaning you are giving the situation), you would have a better chance of finding a solution to your problem … and you would feel better at the same time.

      Love, Morty

      • Lisa Nichols August 11, 2011 at 7:55 am - Reply

        Alex and Morty, I find it interesting that you assume that Maria’s husband feels bad for not being able to support his family, when Maria said nothing of the sort. It’s a conditioned belief in our society that it is the man’s job to support the family. She said he is casually trying to figure out what he wants to do and nothing about his feelings around it. I have not “worked” for about 5 years, and have had an unsuccessful venture or two, like Maria’s husband, but I doubt if you would assume I feel “guilty” for not supporting my family; I am, after all, a woman.

        I feel respect and compassion for Maria; the yoke of sole responsibility for supporting the family is tiresome. I also feelt this for all the men who shoulder that responsibility day in and day out, usually without acknowledgement because they are men and that’s just what they do.

        Maria, my thoughts are with you as you go through this part of your relationship and your own personal growth.

    • Max August 11, 2011 at 10:48 am - Reply

      “how does one unconditionally love a husband who has not had a job for over a year” – How american it sounds, no? Start little, stop worrying about yourself so much and been so selfish, and support his change… if he dont want to change, then the history is another.

      • Maria August 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm - Reply

        Hi All, thank you for your kind feedback, and it is good to be reminded that my husbands patterns of belief could be the cause of his hardship. Morty, thank you for mentioning his childhood, he does have a background of childhood ‘you aren’t good enough’ coming out of his parents mouths.

        I guess my frustration is that I am only human, and it is a tough, tough job, holding down a 50hour a week job and two children who I now hardly see, while I give him time to work through his childhood belief system. He knows this, and has known it for a year, and has not made any progress. So there lies my frustration

        Max…’how American it sounds, no?’…WOW how judgmental you sound? Worrying about ourselves is a tool for sanity Max, you should try is sometime. If I did not ‘worry’ about how I felt, I wouldn’t care to look into the deeper root of the problem, for the sake of my personal well-being and most importantly, for the sake of the well-being of my children and their dad.

        • Sam August 13, 2011 at 3:29 pm - Reply

          Dear Maria,

          It seems to me that Morty’s concepts can be used to help how you feel about the situation but won’t resolve the actual problem with your husband. You work long hours and scarcely get to see your children. It must be stressful, depressing and I expect that you may even feel some guilt too about the situation. You can use Morty’s concepts to help these kinds of feelings (if you are experiencing). In terms of your husband, I would suggest telling him how you feel rather than telling him off for focusing on business ventures. If you tell him how you ‘feel’ (e.g. that you miss your children and it makes you feel sad) it will make him less defensive and possibly more receptive to making more of an effort in finding a job.

          I wish you all the best.

          Sam

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