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If you asked someone, “Do things exist?” the response would probably be, “Of course things exist! The world is full of things. Everyone knows that there is physical stuff out there—that reality is tangible and real!”

But what allows any thing—a hand, a chair, or any other object—to exist? One way to discover the answer is to imagine a specific thing—say, your hand—expanding and expanding until there is nothing in the universe except the hand. What would happen to it? …  Really, just take a moment and try this.  You’ll be amazed at your experience … You wouldn’t see the hand anymore, would you? Why? … It would disappear because there would be nothing in the universe that was not the hand. This is a very basic concept about reality: In order for any thing to exist, there must also be not that thing.

Consider this for a moment. Can you see that any physical object is bounded by “not that object”? If an object did not have any borders—that is, if it wasn’t surrounded by “not that object”—it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, it wouldn’t exist.

The same principle applies to nonmaterial concepts. Love and hate, peace and war, strong and weak, beautiful and ugly—these only exist and have unique attributes because they have been distinguished from each other. For example, the state of war is distinguished from peace by the presence of armed conflict. When there is no armed conflict there is peace. But if peace existed throughout the world all the time, and if the alternative (war) was unimaginable, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish peace. Peace, as a condition distinct from war, couldn’t exist.

A Universe Without Distinctions

Now imagine everything in the universe without any distinctions. It’s all just an undifferentiated whole. Can you see that there is nothing? That’s because in order for anything to exist, it must be distinguished from everything else. If no distinction is made between a specific thing and everything else, there is only an undifferentiated everything—which is another way of saying nothing.

Everything, without any distinctions, is the same as nothing. Take a moment and think about that. Until consciousness has made a distinction, nothing can possibly exist.

Therefore, the world really isn’t the way you perceive it. In fact, it isn’t any way until you perceive it that way—that is, until you distinguish it that way. You don’t even sense what’s “out there” because there’s nothing out there to be sensed. (Nothing, as we’ve seen, however, is the potential for everything before anyTHING is distinguished.) In making distinctions, we use our sensory apparatus (the five senses) as well as our perceptual framework (language, culture, and individual beliefs).

An excellent example of this point comes from a Time magazine cover story on human consciousness.

“A baby born with cataracts—an unusual but not unheard-of condition—and left untreated for as little as six months becomes permanently and irrevocably blind. If a sixty-year-old develops cataracts, an operation can restore full sight. The distinctions most of us make unconsciously and at a glance—foreground vs. background, moving vs. stationary, vertical vs. horizontal, and dozens more—are concepts that the brain has learned. It literally has to wire itself, with neurons growing out to touch and communicate with one another in an ever more sophisticated network of connections. And if those connections are not repeatedly stimulated in the first few months of life, when the brain is still in its formative period, they atrophy and die.”  (Emphasis added.)

In other words, moving and stationary or vertical and horizontal are not things “out there.” Rather they are “concepts that the brain has learned” (or distinguished) as a result of having a specific sensory apparatus (and brain), without which they couldn’t be distinguished. That means they literally wouldn’t exist.

In other words, if everyone was born with cataracts (which would be normal if everyone had that condition), our reality would not possess moving and stationary, vertical and horizontal, etc.—despite the fact that we are convinced that these are inherent attributes of reality.

Is There AnyTHING Out There?

Here’s another thought exercise that will help make it clear that what we think is “out there” is largely a function of our perceptual apparatus.  Imagine that beings from another galaxy arrived on earth.  Imagine further that instead of human eyes they had a different “viewing sense, namely, the equivalent of an electron microscope.”  When they viewed our world they might not see the solid objects we see; instead they might see atoms: electrons spinning around protons and neutrons.  They might notice that almost all of what they were viewing (the atom) was empty space.  So if these creatures were the inhabitants of earth, they might not even have a concept of solid matter.

Imagine further that instead of human ears, these visitors from space had a sense that picked up radio waves but did not hear “sounds” made in their presence.

And finally imagine that they had a sensory mechanism like dolphins, who “see” the echo of sound vibrations they send out.

These aliens would experience and describe a totally different universe than the physical universe we would swear exists all around us.

Our role in creating our reality can be seen in another area.  Apart from our perceptual apparatus, our most important tool in making distinctions and creating our reality is language.
As Edward Sapir, a noted anthropologist, has said: “We see and hear and otherwise experience very largely as we do because the language habits of our community predispose certain choices of interpretation.

Language Determines How We Perceive Reality

Language is far more than a tool for communication. With language we categorize, distinguish, and create the universe. Ultimately, we perceive the world consistently with our language. For example, when we think in English, we perceive a world made up primarily of objects: people, trees, and houses. These objects do things or have things done to them using verbs. We literally see everything in the world in this fashion. We don’t perceive “things out there” because there really are things out there. That just happens to be our worldview, because in our language there is a subject, which acts upon an object, which exists independently of the subject. In the English language, independent entities (subjects and objects) are primary, rather than processes or relationships. That’s not true in every language.

As Ralph Strauch points out in his book The Reality Illusion: “Some languages are structured around quite different basic word- categories and relationships. They project very different pictures of the basic nature of reality as a result. The language of the Nootka Indians in the Pacific Northwest, for example, has only one principle word-category; it denotes happenings or events. A verbal form like ‘eventing’ might better describe this word-category, except that such a form doesn’t sound right in English, with its emphasis on noun forms. We might think of Nootka as composed entirely of verbs, except that they take no subjects or objects as English verbs do. The Nootka, then, perceive the world as a stream of transient events, rather than as the collection of more or less permanent objects which we see. Even something which we see clearly as a physical object, like a house, the Nootka perceive of as a long-lived temporal event. The literal English translation of the Nootka concept might be something like ‘housing occurs;’ or ‘it houses.’”

We swear things exist because we distinguish them though our particular perceptual apparatus and through our language.  Change those and you dramatically change the world that you think is “out there.”  There might not even be any more “things.”

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as Ian.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Based on surveys of my blog readers, most of you are primarily interested in changing your “creation”—in other words, you want to improve your daily life by eliminating behavioral and emotional barriers.  For example, you want to stop your anxiety and be able to take actions that you are unable to take now.

Some of you, however, seem to be more interested in growing spiritually—in other words, creating an altered state of consciousness in which you experience yourself as the creator of your life.

In fact, both are crucial to a life of happiness and fulfillment.  And, I’m proud to say,The Lefkoe Method enables you to work on both at the same time.

You can’t ignore either state

Unfortunately, some people focus solely on spiritual growth, to the exclusion of improving their flesh and blood “creation.”  Such people can be said to be “hiding out in spirituality, in their spiritual practice.

Here’s an example of what I mean.  I was talking to a new client the other day who told me that she had been meditating and working hard on her “spiritual practice” for over 10 years, and couldn’t understand why she had seen virtually no change in her concern about what others thought about her, her fear of making mistakes, her procrastination, and the negative self-talk that filled her mind almost all the time.  What was she doing wrong, she asked me.

I replied that she had neglected a crucial aspect of who she is.  You see, many people have experienced a non-dual state of consciousness through meditation and think that all that is “real” is a formless, eternal, consciousness.  For them, physical reality and the people named Morty, Joe, etc. are not “real.”  As a result, they try to ignore, to the extent possible, “reality.”

Physical reality is “real”

There are several problems with this point of view.

First, how can you expect an improvement in your “creation,” the person who acts and feels, if you ignore it and pretend it doesn’t “really” exist?

Second, it may well be true that consciousness is the source of physical reality, in other words, that physical reality is a manifestation of consciousness.  But that fact does not mean that physical reality is not real. 

There is an old metaphor that explains this point clearly for me.  It is as if consciousness is an ocean.  The ocean creates (manifests) individual, specific waves.  So there really are specific waves in different locations that are different from other waves, even though each of them comes from and will shortly return to the entire ocean.

Who you ultimately are

So who you ultimately are is formless, non-dual consciousness and, at the present moment, you also have manifested as a specific creation.  Moreover, and this is crucial to remember, that creation has specific beliefs and conditionings.  They, in turn, determine your behavior and feelings and—by being the primary source of your occurrings—your beliefs also determine your moment-to-moment responses to events.

I remember reading a book by Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist teacher at Spirit Rock near my home in California, who spent many years meditating and following a spiritual path in Thailand and other Far East countries.  He wrote how in meditative states he totally transcended his body and dissolved in white light.  He spent hundreds of hours in a state in which there was no distinction between the observer and what was observed.  And yet, he reported, when he came back to America to teach he had all the same relationships problems he had had before his years of meditation.

This is not to minimize the importance of a spiritual practice.  Recognizing that you are the creator of your life—as people experience in the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process that is part of the Lefkoe Belief Process—provides an invaluable context to living as a creation.

Recognize you are both consciousness and a creation

So what should you do to live your best life possible?  Recognize you are both the creator of your life (consciousness) and a creation (the person reading this post).  And because you are both, work on both.  Continue to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that determine your behavior and feelings, and also learn to stop giving meaning to daily events, which will give you the ability to create your experience of life, moment by moment.

And find some spiritual practice, be it meditation, putting yourself in the “creator state” (an altered state of consciousness you can enter by using the WAIR? Process), or whatever else you choose.  In that altered state you are able to get a valuable perspective on your life as a creation that cannot be obtained merely by working on the creation.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

If you have read any of the writings of the top self-help experts during the past 10 years—such as Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, or Joe Vitale—you’ve learned that permanent change is impossible without eliminating the beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

I agree; beliefs do have that power.  But why?  What gives our beliefs the power they have to determine our behavior and feelings?

There are two reasons why beliefs have the power they have—one is obvious, the other more subtle.

Our beliefs about reality ARE our reality

First, a belief is a statement about people, reality, or ourselves that feels like the truth to us.  Although you might think that you would consciously agree with what you believe, in fact, it is possible to consciously disagree with something you believe. 

For example, you can know intellectually that mistakes are good learning experiences and still believe that mistakes are bad.  If you have that belief, you would be afraid of trying new things or allowing others to know about your mistakes, even if you consciously think that mistakes are not bad at all.

Because most of us usually act consistently with reality, we act consistently with what we think reality is, not with what reality actually is.  In other words, if we believe I’m not good enough, People can’t be trusted, or Life is difficult (none of which are true)—then we will deal with reality as if these statements are the truth.  As a result, they will determine what we do and how we feel.

To use one simple example, if you believe I’m not loveable, Relationships don’t work, and Men/women can’t be trusted—if that is your reality—you have virtually no chance of having a nurturing, loving long-term relationship.  Get rid of those and other related beliefs and you’ve changed your reality.  At which point the possibility of a nurturing, loving long-term relationships becomes possible.

Because we view reality through the filter of our beliefs, which color our perceptions, long-term fundamental change requires eliminating the beliefs that limit us.  Yes, it sometimes is possible to use will power to act against our beliefs in the short run, but ultimately we will act consistently with the way we view reality.

Beliefs are the primary source of our “occurrings”

There is a second way in which beliefs determine our lives: by influencing our moment-to-moment reactions.

For about 25 years I thought that beliefs affected our behavior and feelings directly, as explained above.  To some extent I still think that is true.  But a couple of years ago I realized that our moment-to-moment actions and feelings are determined primarily by the meaning we unconsciously and automatically give reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us—not by what actually happens in reality.

For example, imagine a friend of yours walks in a room that you are in, notices you, and doesn’t talk to you.  Most people would think: My friend is angry with me.  This would be so real that most people would say to someone with them: Don’t you see that my friend is angry with me?

But all that actually happened is the friend noticed you and didn’t talk to you.  That event could occur to you as: He is angry with me.  And because you deal with reality based on how it occurs to you—which you are convinced is what actually happened—you would respond to your friend as if he really is angry with you.  Even though his anger exists only in your mind, not in reality.

We are constantly giving meaning to events.  We do it 20-40 times a day.  And we are hardly ever aware of it.  So our “occurrings” run our lives.  And what is the relationship between our occurrings and our beliefs?  Our beliefs are the primary determinant of how reality occurs to us.

The meaning we give events, which have no inherent meaning, is determined largely by our beliefs, although our moods and physical condition also play a role.

Thus our beliefs determine our lives in two ways: directly, because they are what we think reality actually is and, indirectly, by significantly influencing our occurrings, which have the biggest impact on our moment-to-moment reactions.

The bad news and the good news

As a result, the bad news is: long-term fundamental behavioral and emotional change is virtually impossible without eliminating the limiting beliefs that are running your life.  The good news is: You can make massive positive changes in your life—such as taking actions you were afraid to take and ridding yourself of such negative feelings as anxiety and anger—by eliminating your limiting beliefs.

It might well be that getting rid of a bunch of limiting beliefs is the best way to reduce the negative and increase the positive in your life in 2012.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly

copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

About 30% of the people who used the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) to eliminate a belief told us in a survey that they thought the belief had not been eliminated.  We were surprised at that statistic because well over 90% of the people we work with directly eliminate a belief.  Why were so many not successful when they used the online process?

After spending a lot of time researching the issue we finally discovered that over 90% of the people who used the on-line process actually did eliminate a belief.  The problem was that a large number of people who did eliminate a belief still thought that the LBP hadn’t worked. They had a hard time believing they had done what they just did.

This skepticism has produced a big marketing problem for the Lefkoe Institute since its inception 27 years ago.  An awful lot of people just don’t believe it is possible to do what we promise to do.

What makes The Lefkoe Method unique

Our unique distinction is that we can help people quickly and permanently eliminate all the relevant beliefs and conditionings that cause virtually any behavioral or emotional problem in their lives.  But most people have the belief: Change is difficult, takes a long time, and requires a lot of reinforcement.  So telling people what we offer usually results in people expressing skepticism about our claim.  Even when people actually eliminate a belief, they sometimes have a hard time acknowledging that it really has been eliminated.

Four ways to know that a belief really is gone

I’d like to suggest four questions you can ask to determine if any belief-elimination process you are using really works.

1.  Does the belief you want to get rid of go away and stay away?  You can know a belief is eliminated right after an exercise because the words of the belief no longer feel true; the words feel as if they have no meaning.  That’s not the same as having an insight that has you conclude the belief must be gone because it no longer makes sense to hold the belief or because the belief doesn’t feel as true as it did before.  In this type of situation it can seem as if the belief is really gone, but it really isn’t.

Another way to check is to say the words of the belief several days later. Do they feel true, uncomfortable? Do they resonate with you?  Or do the words still feel meaningless? With no energy or discomfort?  If you still feel as if the belief is gone several days later, it probably is.

2.   Did you get rid of some undesirable behavior or feeling after eliminating all the relevant beliefs? Ultimately you don’t care about eliminating beliefs. Eliminating beliefs is a means to an end.  The true test to know that beliefs are gone is if the problem that the beliefs caused is gone.  Because most problems usually are caused by a number of beliefs, you have to eliminate at least 8-10 beliefs to know that any given problem is gone, which then is proof that the beliefs must also be gone. For example, procrastination is caused by 16 beliefs.  A good test that the 16 beliefs have been eliminated is to see if your procrastination disappears and doesn’t come back.  (Actually it is caused by 13 beliefs and three conditionings, but conditioning is not really relevant in this discussion.)

On the other hand, you cannot determine if any given belief is gone by checking to see if your problem is gone.  Hardly ever will getting rid of just one or two beliefs eliminate a problem.  Because there isn’t always any noticeable change in your behavior or emotions as a result of eliminating one or two beliefs, the absence of change is not proof that you still have the belief.

3.  Did you get a guarantee that the beliefs will not come back AND the problem that the beliefs cause will not come back either.  

We have helped over 13,000 clients in private sessions and about 100,000 in on-line and DVD programs eliminate beliefs and problems.  We offer a year-long guarantee that the problem will not return and have a refund rate of less than 10%. To see just a few of the reviews of our on-line products, go to http://blog.recreateyourlife.com.  To see some video reviews, go to http://bit.ly/3Z10LN.

4.  Is there independent research that proves that the beliefs and the problems are truly eliminated and don’t return? 

The most objective way to prove that beliefs and the problems they cause are really gone is an independent study with a control group.  This is the “gold standard” for proof of the effectiveness of a belief-elimination process.

The University of Arizona conducted a study using The Lefkoe Method that was published in a peer-reviewed journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.

Preliminary Report on Results from
“Speaking Without Fear” Study

Prepared by Victoria Cunningham, Ph.D. & Lee Sechrest, Ph.D.
Department of Psychology, University of Arizona

May 20, 2004

“A recent study was conducted to examine the ability of Morty Lefkoe’s ‘The Lefkoe Method’ to reduce or even eliminate fear of speaking in public in a group of forty volunteers recruited from Toastmasters Clubs and other random sources and who reported fairly severe symptoms related to public speaking. Subjects were randomly assigned to an experimental or a control group… All treatment sessions were conducted by telephone, and, on average, only three one-hour sessions were required to achieve treatment goals.

“The results support our hypothesis that self-reported fear of speaking in public would be virtually eliminated. Before the experiment, both groups rated their last public speaking experience as an average of about 7 on a 10-point scale on which 1 meant ‘not at all fearful,’ and 10 indicated ‘extremely fearful’. Subjects in the experimental group experienced a reduction of about 5 points to an average score of 1.5, whereas the control group remained unchanged. In addition, after receiving the same treatment, scores for the control group were also reduced by about 5 points to yield an average of 1.5. It is important to note that all subjects rated their post-treatment scores in relation to an actual public speaking experience.

“We also asked subjects about other common physical sensations and cognitive difficulties often associated with speaking in public, e.g., increased heart rate, sweating, dry mouth, quivering voice, stuttering and difficulty staying focused. The results were quite consistent with those from the rating scale: prominent symptoms were reduced for everyone who received the treatment, and the difference between the experimental and control groups was large and statistically significant. Responses to additional questions to gauge individuals’ self-confidence as a speaker also provide evidence that ‘The Lefkoe Method’ was effective in virtually eliminating the fear of public speaking.” (Emphasis added.)

For a copy of the entire study from Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, go to http://www.undoityourself.com/research.html.

A follow up was conducted with the subjects six months later.  The average level of fear was still below 2.

The LBP has been proven effective in permanently eliminating beliefs with tens of thousands of people.  It probably will work with you.  If you had any doubts whether or not your belief really was gone when you tried it the first time, please try it again at http://recreateyourlife.com and keep in mind the four tests to determine if a belief really has been eliminated.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

At one point or another, everyone has uttered the words: “I am happy.”  And: “I am upset.”

Notice what happens when you say: “I am [something].”  You are describing yourself.  Any words that follow the statement “I am” is your description of yourself.

Moreover, when we say, “I am [something],” it feels as if we really are that “something.” It feels as if our entire being is happy, or upset, or anxious, or any other emotion we say we are.

But is that really who we are?

Most readers of my weekly blog have eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process (see http://recreateyourlife.com) where they discovered that they are not merely a “creation,” who has beliefs and feelings and who takes action, they also are the creator of that creation.

Although the creation you think you are is comprised of your beliefs and feelings and what you do, the consciousness you really are is whole and complete, for whom anything is possible and nothing is missing.

Thus, it actually is more accurate to say: My creation has feelings, but I am not my feelings.  My creation has beliefs, but I am not my beliefs.  My creation takes action, but I am not what I do.

This is not merely semantics

When you experience that you are your feelings, you are totally at the effect of them.  They seem to pervade your entire being and there seems to be no escape from them.

When you experience that you have feelings, but they are not who you are, you make a clear distinction between “you” and “your feelings.”  That enables you to get some perspective on the feelings and to place your SELF outside the feelings, so that you are no longer at their effect.

How do you do that?  There is a simple way to experience that you have feelings, but are not your feelings.  I’m not talking about an affirmation, where you try to convince yourself of something you don’t really believe.  I’m talking about experiencing the truth of the statement.

First, use the Who Am I Really? Process, which comes at the end of the LBP, several times.  You can get a link to the WAIR? Process at http://d3n3f57qjh51zc.cloudfront.net/who-am-i-really-new.mp3.

Then, when you start having some negative feelings and you notice that you are at the effect of them, remind yourself what you experienced in the WAIR? Process: “I am the creator of my life, not merely a creation.”  And then remind yourself of the experience you will already have had: “I have feelings; I am not my feelings.”

When you do that, notice how the intensity of the feeling diminishes and how the feeling starts to lose its grip on you.

Try it and let me know your experience.  I promise it will transform the way you experience your feelings.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

This week I am going to tell you about an easy-to-play game that will enable you to banish negativity and victimhood from your life.  If you actually play the game, I promise you will fundamentally transform your experience of life.

No meaning

This game requires you to really get that events have no inherent meaning—all events, all the time, without exception.  If that’s real for you, fine.  If it’s not, eliminate at least one limiting belief free using the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) at http://recreateyourlife.com.

It is useful to have used the LBP to eliminate at least one belief because during that Process you get a very clear experience that events have no inherent meaning.  Not because I prove it to you or because it makes logical sense, but because you have a profound personal experience that events have no inherent meaning. Events might have consequences, but they have no meaning—in other words, you can’t draw any conclusions for sure from any event or series of events.

Here are the details of the game

The game consists of noticing all day long for the next seven days every time you experience a negative feeling, such as anxiety or anger.  Then ask yourself what meaning you must have given some recent event to produce the negative feeling.  Once you identify the meaning you gave to a meaningless event, make a clear distinction between the event in reality and the meaning you have given the event, which exists only in your mind.

When you make that clear distinction, you will dissolve the meaning that you unconsciously and automatically assigned to the event—in other words, how the event occurs for you.

Because meaningless events can’t produce feelings, most feelings are the result of the meaning we have given events.  (Some feelings are caused by conditioning and moods.)  Therefore, dissolving the meaning you have given an event will, at the same time, dissolve any negative feelings that are the result of that meaning.

Now, here is the final step: Imagine that several years later you are looking back at today’s event thinking how the event that originally had seemed so bad turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you.  Describe in detail the many wonderful consequences of the event.

If you play the game for seven days you will notice that any sense of victimization and any negative feelings are significantly reduced.  You will experience being a lot happier.

How’s that for giving yourself a Christmas gift that won’t cost you a cent?

A summary of the game

1. Notice all negative feelings, all day long, for seven days.
2. Ask yourself what meaning you gave something that just happened that produced the feeling you are having.
3. Make a clear distinction between the event in the world and the meaning you gave the event, which exists only in your mind.
4. When you make a clear distinction, the meaning dissolves, along with any feelings that had been caused by the meaning.
5. Imagine yourself a few years in the future looking back at the event and describe in detail how that event led to so many wonderful things.

To view a short video that describes how to play this game, go to http://occurringcourse.com.

Here is an example of how to play the game

Imagine a friend of yours walks into a room you are in, notices you, and doesn’t say hello.  Many people would experience that their friend is angry with them and get upset.  In fact, all that happened in reality is the friend didn’t say hello.  That he is angry is the meaning you have given to the event, which has no inherent meaning.  Your anger is the result of the meaning you made up.

Next, you make a clear distinction between the event (your friend walking into the room and not saying hello) and how the event occurs to you (he is angry at me).

Making that distinction clearly will dissolve the meaning, leaving you only with the fact your friend didn’t say hello. And when the meaning disappears, the upset will also.

Looking back at that event from the future you might describe what happened subsequently:  He called me the next day and explained that a great opportunity had just presented itself to him that he wanted to include me in, but he hadn’t worked out all the details yet and didn’t want to talk to me until he did.

More examples

Most of us have had events happen to us that appeared to be “bad” at the time and then later we realized they actually had been a good thing for us, we just hadn’t realized it at the time.  I’ve had that happen many times to me.

For example, we had been renting a house since we arrived in California about nine years ago.  We originally found a place near the high school we wanted our daughter Brittany to attend.  Because we didn’t know where we wanted to settle after Brittany graduated, we decided to rent for a few years.

Eventually Brittany left for college, but our home was okay, in a good location, and it seemed too much work to pack up and move.

A little over a year ago our landlord let us know that he had refinanced the house we were living in and, when the market collapsed, he ended up owing much more on it than the current value.  So he intended to walk away from the house and let the bank foreclose.

The letter from the bank asked us to get out and gave us a deadline only a few weeks away. We didn’t want to move at all, much less in a hurry.  We had a house filled with furniture and other possessions, and a garage filled with boxes of “stuff.”  It would take us weeks to get rid of what we didn’t want and pack the rest, find a new place to live, move in and unpack. Moving was clearly going to take a lot of time and effort.  Most people would have agreed that our having to move was clearly a “bad” thing.

In fact, however, we after we moved we ended up in a nicer neighborhood with a bigger and more comfortable house.  In the process of packing we got rid of a lot of junk we didn’t really need.  And we are much happier in our new home than we were in the old one.

Here’s another situation that’s happened to almost all of us.  Haven’t you ever had a relationship end and have that breakup seem to be a terrible thing at that time?  Then, later on, you found someone else who was a better fit, at which time you realized that breaking up with the first person was a wonderful thing because it enabled you to find the new person.  So the break up, which seemed “bad” at the time, turned out really to be “good.”

Play the game

Play the game.  Just for one week.  I promise it will transform the quality of your life and you will never be the same again.  At which point you will realize that you can experience joy for the rest of your life, playing the most empowering game you’ve ever played.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. Also, after playing this game for a week, tell me your experience of playing.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

This week, for the very first time in the three years I’ve been writing this blog, I am devoting the entire space to reprinting an article written by someone else.  I think Anne Lieberman, who is a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator, has written a brilliant piece on how beliefs can literally make us less intelligent.  I think you will find her article fascinating and useful.

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As a Lefkoe Method practitioner, I spend my days working with clients to eliminate beliefs that are adversely affecting them.  The central tenet of TLM is that our beliefs drive our behavior. I find it exciting to read research by others that confirms and extends this basic idea.  The work of Stanford Professor, Carol Dweck, illustrates the connection between beliefs and the kind of behavior that primes us for success or failure.

Investigating Failure

As a young researcher, Dweck was obsessed with how people cope with failure.  She decided to investigate failure by inviting children into her lab to solve puzzles.  After a few easy-to-solve examples, she gave her unsuspecting subjects some doozies and investigated their strategies as they grunted, sweated and chewed their pencils. Probing their thinking and feeling, she expected to see differences in how kids cope with failure.  What she saw astonished her.  One ten-year old, confronted with the hard puzzles, pulled up his chair, rubbed his hands together, smacked his lips and said, “I love a challenge.”  Another attacked the task with equal relish and said, “You know, I was hoping this would be informative!”

Dweck was flummoxed.  She thought you either coped with failure or didn’t.  It never occurred to her that people could love failure. Her first instinct, “What’s wrong with them,” was quickly followed by “or are they on to something?”

What Dweck has learned through decades of research is that our beliefs about our brains can set us on the path to success … or not.  [Emphasis added.)

In our lifetimes, intelligence has been thought of as a fixed phenomenon.  We know now that it is not.  People begin with their unique genetic endowments, but it is clear that experience, training and personal effort take us the rest of the way. Scientists have shown that we have a great capacity for lifelong learning and brain development.  Intelligence is not fixed, but evolves via a constant give and take between genetics and the environment.

What Does All This Have to do with Beliefs?

Dweck says that one simple belief has the power to determine what you accomplish in life. She talks about this in terms of a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset.  Dweck says,  “Mindsets are beliefs individuals hold about their most basic qualities and abilities.” In a Growth Mindset, people believe they can develop their brain, abilities and talent. This view creates a love for learning, a drive for growth and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishments. On the contrary, people with a Fixed Mindset believe their basic qualities, such as intelligence and abilities, are fixed and can’t be expanded. They also believe that talent alone creates success, and see effort as a sign of weakness rather than as a positive element of life needed to reach one’s full potential.”  (I have worked with clients who believe that if something is hard, it means it’s beyond them.)

The misconception that IQ is fixed has been largely discredited by neuroscience.  And the pervasive assumption that hugely successful people are “naturals”–that Michael Jordan was born to be a star, that top entrepreneurs and CEOs are rare geniuses and natural leaders–has not been borne out in research.  Studies of extremely successful people show that hard work is the key to success. And if you don’t believe you can accomplish something, are you likely to work hard at it?

What does it take to create that kind of fire-in-the-belly attitude? It turns out that the way people view the learning process itself and what they believe about their brains are hugely important in determining their willingness to put forth effort to achieve mastery.   Dweck discovered that she could actually change kids’ mindsets.  Further, children who adopted a Growth Mindset and came to believe that their brain is like a muscle that gets stronger as they use it were more likely to excel in school.   They approached new challenges with enthusiasm, while other students shirked pursuits outside their comfort zones.

Do you have a Fixed or Growth Mindset?

Would it surprise you to know that you can think you are very intelligent and still have that debilitating Fixed Mindset?  How do you know you have it?  People with the fixed mindset operate in some or all of these ways:

When you fail at something, you feel unworthy in some way and pessimistic about yourself.

You’re more focused on being seen as smart than on learning.

You feel like you have to prove yourself over and over.  (If our intelligence is fixed, you want to make sure people know you have a lot of it, right?)

You shy away from people and experiences that challenge you.

In brief, in the face of failure, those with Fixed Mindsets become self-critical and throw up their hands.  People with a Growth Mindset look at how they might have approached things differently and they redouble their efforts.

If your Fixed Mindset is limiting you, a few Lefkoe Method sessions can eliminate those long-held, limiting beliefs about your intelligence and abilities.

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Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as I can.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

The question frequently arises: How can I tell the difference between three related phenomena:

• the meaning we automatically and unconsciously give events (how external and internal events occur to me),
• making conscious assumptions about the events,
• and intuition we have about events.

This question arises when I tell people that operating as if our “occurrings” are the truth about reality is never appropriate because we are confusing a meaning that exists only in our mind with what actually happens in reality.  And we can’t possibly deal effectively with reality if we don’t correctly identify what it is.

Reality/events

First let’s get clear about what I mean by “reality/events.”

It is what actually happens in the world; events. What you know through your five senses, especially what you can see or hear.  What you usually could capture on a video recording, although sometimes “reality” can’t be “seen” because it is inside your mind, such as thoughts, memories, projections of the future, and physical sensations.

Now, how does reality/events differ from occurrings, conscious inferences, and intuition?

Occurrings

Occurrings are meanings that you have automatically and unconsciously given to events as they happen.  For example, a friend of yours walks into a room you are in, sees you, and doesn’t say hello.  That’s the event in reality.  It could occur for you, however, as if your friend is angry at you.

A critical aspect of occurrings is that they feel like “the truth” to us.  They seem like “reality” to us.  We have to look carefully to distinguish them from actual events in reality.   We can give meaning to both internal and external reality, in other words, events that occur “out there in the world” and those that happen in your mind.

In the situation described above, it would seem like the friend really is angry at you, when, in fact, all that happened is he didn’t say hello.  That he is angry at you is how the actual event “occurred” to you.

 Conscious Inferences

Occurrings are very different from conscious inferences, which are the result of consciously looking at reality and asking ourselves: What are some of the possible implications of, and what would be the best way to deal with, the events?  For example, remember the friend who walked in a room you were in and didn’t say hello or even acknowledge your presence.  One possible occurring might be: He is angry at me.  If that were your occurring, it would seem to you as if he really is angry.

After dissolving the occurring you would realize that all that actually happened is he walked in and didn’t pay attention to you.  Then you could consciously ask yourself: What could his behavior possibly mean?  You might conclude that it could mean he is angry, or he is distracted, or upset and doesn’t want to talk to anyone, or deep in thought and doesn’t want to get off track, etc.  At which point you could deal with the reality of what actually happened by walking over to the friend and asking if he is okay, or by waiting until later if you think waiting would make sense.

A inference about an event that is made consciously—that is clearly an assumption and doesn’t feel like the truth—is different from an occurring, which is made unconsciously and which does feel like the truth.

When you act on a conscious inference you realize that events have no inherent meaning and that you don’t know the best way to deal with it, so you investigate to find out.  When you act on an occurring, you are certain what an event meant because you perceive your occurring as reality.

Intuition

Another phenomenon that is sometimes confused with occurrings is intuition.  Intuition is a type of knowing that usually doesn’t depend on the five senses; it is a feeling about something that seems to be true.  According to Wikipedia, it is “the ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason.” Because an intuitive thought can seem like the meaning you are giving an event, it can be difficult to distinguish between intuitive thoughts and how events occur to you.

Usually intuitive thoughts don’t have the certainty that occurrings do, although in some situations they might.  My experience is that after making a concerted effort to identify occurrings and distinguishing them from events hundred of times, I (and others whom I’ve trained) have gotten to the point where occurrings usually “feel different” from intuition.

But you still might not always know the difference.  So the best way to deal with possible intuitions is the following: Because we can never be absolutely sure that our intuitive thoughts are accurate, it makes sense to treat all thoughts about an event (occurrings, conscious inferences, and intuitions) as tentative, as being subject to further checking.

Even if you are not always able to distinguish occurrings from intuition, you can always make it a practice to distinguish occurrings, conscious inferences, and intuition from reality and then consider anything other than reality as something that needs to be considered tentative and investigated further.

Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post.  I read all posts and answer as many as Ian.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

All of you who read my blog posts and who signed up on my website to eliminate a limiting belief are “weird,” according to best-selling author and popular blogger Seth Godin.

Why would he apply that term to you?  Seth uses the term “weird” to describe anyone who is not “normal,” in other words, people who express their uniqueness and who don’t try to fit in with what “most people” are doing.

What makes YOU weird?  Most “normal” people are not interested in personal growth.  You—who are on my mailing list and reading this blog post—are a distinct minority.  Because you want more out of life … because you are willing to spend your time, energy, and money to create a better life for yourself.  Most “normal” people do not have this awareness and commitment.

Interestingly enough, many of the people who come to us to help them eliminate beliefs are normal.  Thousands of clients who come to us to get rid of their fear of public speaking only want to get rid of that specific practical problem.  Most of them deny they have any problems at all in their lives other than their public speaking fear.  They have no interest in personal growth.  They are normal.

Seth’s newest book, We Are All Weird, makes the point that there are getting to be fewer and fewer “normal” people in the world, in other words, people who aspire to be just like everyone else.  More and more people are beginning to express their unique selves, which are weird to the normal people.

We want to hang out in “tribes”

So if you are weird because you are interested in living the best life you can possible live, because you are willing to put in the effort to overcome the barriers to having a life that truly works, and because you are unwilling to put up with merely getting by—then, first, I want to acknowledge you for that weirdness.  You are part of a relatively small group of people on this planet.

And, second, I would like to support you.  I have created a page on Facebook that over 1,400 of you weirdoes who are devoted to personal transformation already have joined.  I put a link there to my blog posts each week as well as other information that I think would be valuable. I intend to make even more useful material available in the future.  You can post comments and questions there and have other members of your tribe respond.

In addition, I have offered to answer any question posted on that site pertaining to personal growth.

If you would like to converse with people who have a similar commitment to personal growth, be given information that will contribute to that growth, and have a chance to get your questions answered, please join your fellow tribe members at http://facebook.com/recreateyourlife.

As one of the weirdoes who has committed his life to helping others get rid of the barriers in their lives that keep them from the lives they want to live, I look forward to interacting with you there

Please leave your comments and questions about how I can support your personal journey to a life free from unnecessary limitations.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Today (Monday) is a holiday and I’m sitting in my office writing this on my MAC.

No one else is around and the phones are pretty quiet.   I came in on what should have been a day off because this week we are going to make available our new Lefkoe Belief Process Training and I have to work with Rodney (who works virtually from Southern California) to make sure the web site and all the emails get completed today.

This week my dream of 26 years will finally come true.  Ever since I figured out how to help people get rid of long-held, limiting beliefs I have imagined that some day everyone would be able to eliminate their own beliefs and the beliefs of friends and family.

Imagine a world like this

An incident my wife Shelly told me about a few years ago vividly captures my vision: Shelly had just gotten on a Stairmaster at the gym one morning when a friend she had not seen for a few months got on a machine next to her.  Shelly asked her friend how she was doing.  Her friend replied that she was having some relationship problems.

What do most people do when a friend tells them about their relationship difficulties?  You listen, empathize, and perhaps give some advice.  Does your response really help your friend? Maybe it makes your friend feel better for the moment, but, in the long run, unfortunately, rarely does your response make any real difference.

But here is how Shelly responded: She asked, “What do you believe about relationships that could be producing the problems you just told me about?”  Her friend thought a minute and then named three.  Forty-five minutes later both of them got off their Stairmasters, the three beliefs had been eliminated, and her friend left the gym with new possibilities for a great relationship that she hadn’t had before talking to Shelly.

When Shelly told me this story I thought: What if everyone knew how to eliminate their own beliefs and help others when they got stuck?  What if parents and teachers could help children?  What if spouses could help each other (as Shelly and I do with each other when we get stuck)?  What if all of us could easily get ourselves into an altered state of consciousness in which we experience that anything is possible and we have no limitations?

Every time I think about a world like that I get goose pimples.  There are a lot of things that could make a profound impact on the world, but I can’t think of anything that would have as great an impact on each person’s quality of life than this.

How do we get there?

For over 26 years the only way to be able to learn how to eliminate beliefs was a three-day in-person training.  Because it took a lot of time and cost a lot of money for people to travel here from all over the world, we didn’t offer the training very often.  As a result there are probably less than 200 people in the entire world who have been trained to use the Lefkoe Belief Process.

In order to make a training easily available to anyone who might be interested, we had to find a way to create an on-line training that could be accessed from your computer located anywhere in the world, that didn’t require extensive travel, and that could be offered for far less money than an in-person training.

We spent the last year figuring out a way to do this and finally solved the problem a few weeks ago. The training is now complete and will be made available this week.

Shelly has been back East visiting her friends and family.  After she gets home I plan to break open a bottle of champagne and celebrate a dream come true.  I hope you are as excited by my vision as I am.

Please leave your comments and questions about how millions of people knowing how to eliminate their own beliefs and the beliefs of others can transform the quality of life on this planet.

If you are interested in learning how to help people eliminate their beliefs, enter your name and email in the box below and we’ll send you information.

A tribute to Steve Jobs

Steve, thank you for the words that inspire me to get out of bed every day, committed to improving the quality of life on the planet, one person at a time.

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”   Steve Jobs

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Rare is the day when we don’t think that someone’s behavior or emotional reaction makes absolutely no sense at all.  One day it might be a government official, another day it could be a loved one.

In these situations there is always the unstated assumption that they are seeing the same reality I am seeing.  And their response to the reality I am seeing is either crazy or stupid.

In fact, I contend that almost always there are at least two very different “realities” involved here: one for you and a totally different one for the other person. There also can be a third: what’s really happening “out there.”

The source of our “reality”

If you’ve been following this blog you’ve read on more than one occasion that our beliefs constitute our reality.  If you believe relationships are difficult, that is an absolute fact for you. If you believe life is difficult, that too is a fact and you will have loads of evidence to prove you are right.

Beliefs are generalization we make about ourselves, people, and life that, for us, are “the truth.”  So our beliefs about reality determine what we think our reality is.

In addition, we constantly give unconscious meaning to events and then we usually do not recognize the crucial distinction between reality and how that reality has occurred to us.

As a result of our beliefs and our occurrings, what we think is reality more often than not is really something that exists only in our mind, a subjective, unconsciously-created, personal view of reality, not what a video camera would record.

It follows, therefore, that although people’s behavior and emotional reactions might not make sense to us given our view of reality, they make perfect sense given their view of reality.  Moreover, most of the time neither our view nor their view corresponds to what actually exists “out there in the world.”

Shelly and I disagree about our children’s education

To make this clear, here’s a personal example of what I mean.

Shortly after our first daughter was born over 29 years ago, Shelly and I started to have conversations about her education.  I told her that I thought most public schools were toxic environments and produce more damage than value to the children who attend.  (To fully explain my reasons would take an entire blog post. To briefly summarize my reasons, most public schools encourage conformity, discourage creativity and independence, and emphasize memorizing information at the expense of critical thinking.)

So I suggested that we find a really good alternative private school for Blake to attend.  Shelly said that she understood my reasons for disliking most public schools and agreed with my reasoning, but still kept arguing that Blake should attend the best public school we could find.

If Shelly really understood my “reality” about public schools, it would make no sense at all for her to continue to argue that Blake should attend one.  As a result, I would get frustrated and annoyed whenever we discussed Blake’s education.  I remember a lot of heated discussions on this topic.

Shelly’s “reality” about public schools

Eventually I figured out Shelly’s “reality” about schools, at which point her preference for public school made perfect sense.  Thirty years ago Shelly (like me and many other people in the world) had the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people like me.  Other related beliefs included: I can’t survive without close friends.  Friends are the most important things in one’s life.  As a result of these and other similar beliefs, Shelly’s friends were the most important thing in her life.

For Shelly, public school was the single most important place for our daughter to make friends and be accepted.  And if making a lot of friends was one of the most important things one gets from school, then a small private alternative school with about 120 students spread over eight grades would be a horrible choice for her daughter.  A public school with about a thousand kids would be far superior.

Shelly has since eliminated all these beliefs, but at the time her choice of schools for Blake—which seemed absolutely insane to me given what I thought about public schools—made perfect sense to Shelly given her view of public schools: the best place to make a lot of friends and learn about friendship.

Can you see that the difference between my behavior and feelings about public and private schools and Shelly’s was totally a function of how we viewed those schools.  In fact, neither view of reality was “the truth.” Each was determined by our beliefs.

After I understood Shelly’s reality about public schools, I still disagreed with her choice, but I no longer thought her choice was stupid and felt annoyed at her.  I realized that I would have made the same school choice as she did if I “saw” public schools the same way she did and she would have made the same choice I did if she had the same view I did.

In fact, over the next few years as Shelly eliminated her beliefs relating to friends and to her concern about what others thought of her, she ultimately saw public schools the way I did and ended up totally supporting our joint decision to send both our daughters to a great alternative private school.

The “reality” of government officials

My personal view about the role of the federal government is very different from conservative Republicans, especially the Tea Partyers.  But unlike many of my friends who are angry at them and who think they are stupid, I have come to realize that their proposed policies are a function of their beliefs about the proper role of government.  If I had those beliefs, I’d espouse the same policies.

Israel and Palestine: the problem is the result of different realities

For another good example where understanding this distinction can be very useful, look at the conflict between Israelis and the Palestinians.  It should be clear that each side is viewing a totally different reality.  And their different behaviors are a direct manifestation of each’s reality.

What are those behaviors?  Israel puts up a fence and checkpoints to keep suicide bombers out of areas where Israelis congregate.  Their invasions are designed to stop rocket fire, which comes from the invaded areas.  Israelis settle anyplace they want, in other words, anyplace within the borders of the State of Israel, even in areas that are predominantly Palestinian.

Palestinians uses violence as the only avenue they claim remains open to them to try to get Israel to recognize their basic human rights and give them back their homeland, which was taken from them by force and by illegal and immoral international agreements.  No matter where they live today they want the right to return to their former homes on land that is now part of Israel.

This is a very condensed description what each side does and wants.  Now consider the “reality” as seen by both sides and notice how each’s behavior makes sense given the respective realities.

Reality for Israelis looks like: Centuries of anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the struggle to create a homeland of their own, trying to survive as a small nation when others have sworn to push them back into the sea, constant shelling from Palestinian areas (and other countries), and the ever-present threat of suicide bombers.  Jewish people have always lived on this land and King David made the city of Jerusalem the capital of Israel 3,000 years ago.  Even 150 years ago there were more Jews living in Jerusalem than Muslims.

Reality for Palestinians looks like: We were living here peaceably when Israel and international agreements (we were not a party to) forcibly drove us from our homeland; Israel has kept us from returning and denies those of us living in Israel basic rights as human beings.  Jerusalem contains some of Islam’s holiest cities.  Moreover, the Jews used violence against the British when they thought it was the only way to get them to give up control over what is now the State of Israel.  They thought they were morally justified in their action, and it worked—they got the land they wanted.  (See my earlier blog post for more details on this particular issue: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/a-tool-for-resolving-conflict/#).

When you get that people’s behavior and emotional reactions always make sense given the way reality occurs to them (which is a function of their beliefs and occurrings), you might notice that you are less confused by what people do, less angry at them for doing it, and better able to find common ground for a solution that works for all concerned.

Please leave your comments and questions about how people’s different beliefs and occurrings account for their different reactions to things, and how recognizing that can reduce your upset and increase your compassio

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

About two years ago I realized that the failure to make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs to us is the source of many problems in our life. As I’ve learned more about this distinction I’ve written several posts about it, which led to a lot of comments from you.

Perhaps the most common questions I’ve received ask:  Both beliefs and occurrings seem to be meaning we give to meaningless events. What is the difference between them?  Why is the difference important.

In today’s post I’ll answer these questions and explain how our happiness depends on understanding the difference between them.

There is a crucial difference between a belief and an occurring

Beliefs are the meaning we give (usually) to a series of events. Beliefs are broad generalizations, for example, I am ….  People are …. Life is ….  A belief is a statement about reality that we feel and act is the truth, although it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe. Once formed, beliefs continue to exist and affect our behavior, feelings and perceptions forever, unless we are able to eliminate the belief.  We view life through the filter of our beliefs.

Our occurrings, on the other hand, are the meaning we give to an event in reality, in other words, how reality occurs to us at a given moment.  Each occurring is a distinct meaning that usually lasts only a short time and then fades away by itself when we stop thinking about the event.  An example of an occurring is your boss asking you a question and it occurring to you as she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t like me, or I’m going to get fired.  That is the meaning you have given to the boss’s question.  In reality all that happened is that she asked you a question.  Contrast that occurring—the meaning you gave to that specific event—to beliefs that act as a filter through which we view all events, such as No one trusts me.  No one likes me.  I can’t keep a job.

Why occurrings are so important

Usually we don’t distinguish between reality and how reality occurs for us (our occurring), so we think the meaning we give reality IS reality.  Because we think our occurring IS reality, we interact with our occurring, not reality.

For example, losing our job is a fact in reality, seeing it as a disaster or a great opportunity are two possible ways the event can occur for you. You can “see” that you no longer have a job.  You can’t “see” that the job loss is a disaster or an opportunity.  If your job loss occurred to you as a disaster, you would try to deal with “a disaster,” instead of with a job loss, which probably would have you feel and behave differently

The simple distinction between beliefs and occurrings

Can you see that beliefs are broad generalizations that filter your view of all events, while occurrings are “one time” meanings you give to specific events that do not affect the meaning you give to similar events in the future?

Your long-held beliefs are NOT occurrings. Occurrings require, by definition, an event, either in your mind or in the world.  An occurring is how an event occurs for you. If there is no event, there is no occurring.

Is it now clear that beliefs and occurrings are two totally different phenomena?  There is a relationship between them, however, in that beliefs are the major source of our occurrings.  In other words, how a meaningless event occurs for us is determined mainly by our beliefs.  (Other determining factors can include our mood, physical condition, and stage of development [see almost any of Ken Wilber’s books for details on stages of development])

Change your beliefs and you can change how events show up for you.  For example, if you believe, People are stupid, they will occur for you that way.  Eliminate that belief and your future occurrings probably will change

It is important to realize that it is possible to dissolve an occurring without eliminating any beliefs.  On the other hand, if you don’t eliminate the beliefs that are causing a occurring, you will continue to have the same occurring when similar events happen in your life.

I want to emphasize that the reason this distinction between reality and our occurrings is so important is that most people rarely distinguish between them, thereby acting as if their occurring IS reality.  In other words, we rarely deal with what is actually in the world; we deal with the meaning we have given what is in the world, a meaning that exists only in our own mind.

Define a few relevant terms

Let me define a few other terms that are relevant to this discussion.  First, reality,  by which I mean what actually happens in the world.  Events. What you know through your five senses, especially what you can see or hear.  What you usually could capture on a video recording.  Sometimes “reality” can’t be “seen” because it is inside your mind, such as thoughts, memories, projections of the future, and physical sensations.  We can give all of these meaning, so we can have occurrings about all of them

The next term I want to clarify is “No meaning.”  Events in reality have no inherent meaning. In other words, you can’t draw any inferences or make any predictions—for sure—as a result of observing any events, including internal events such as memories or physical sensations.  All meaning, therefore, is in your mind. This idea can be difficult to prove to someone who hasn’t experienced it.  I hear all the time: “Of course events have meaning! Doesn’t dying have meaning?  Doesn’t it mean something if someone treats you badly?”  The best way I know to make this idea real is to experience it when you do the Lefkoe Belief Process, where you experience clearly that mom’s and dad’s behavior had no inherent meaning, that the way they treated you meant nothing about you.

Our occurrings cause most of our feeling

The third idea I want to clarify is: “Reality can’t cause feelings.”  Reality/events are unable to make you feel anything because they have no inherent meaning.  The primary source of your feelings is the meaning you give to events.

For example: If you don’t get something you want and you give it the meaning: I can’t get what I want and I never will—you probably will get upset.  If you give it the meaning: I haven’t gotten what I want yet, so what do I have to do to get it?—you probably will feel challenged and excited.  The meaning we give events is the primary source of our feelings.  Thus, being able to dissolve your occurrings enables you to simultaneously dissolve negative feelings, such as anxiety, anger, and upset

Although beliefs sometimes can cause feelings directly (for example, the belief men are dangerous probably would make a woman anxious around men), their major influence on feelings is via occurrings.  In other words, beliefs are a primary determinant of our occurrings, and our occurrings cause most of our feelings.

For example, imagine that your boss walks in your room and says to you: “Is the project complete yet?”  That is the reality, what actually happened.  That might occur to you as she is dissatisfied with me, or my job is in jeopardy, or I never do anything right.  That occurring, in turn, might have you feel anxious or possibly even angry.

I needed to eliminate a lot of beliefs (and some conditionings) to get rid of my depression, my neediness, my need for the approval of others, and a bunch of other problems. But I still had many occurrings daily that caused little upsets, many of which I’ve written about in earlier posts.  When I stopped giving meaning to events, these minor upsets stopped completely.

Because getting rid of beliefs and occurrings are two totally different processes, it is possible for you to dissolve your moment-by-moment occurrings even before you have eliminated many beliefs

Please leave your comments and questions about the distinction between beliefs and occurrings and how each of them affects your life.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

I am committed to making the Lefkoe Institute as helpful to you as possible. To that end I’ve created a number of products and services designed to help you make lasting changes in your life. In addition, I’ve created this blog to provide you with useful information.

In order to continue to provide you with what you want and need, I would like to know exactly what you would find useful. So I have two questions:

1. What courses or solutions would you like us to offer that would help you permanently eliminate the barriers in your life and live the life you want to live?

So that you don’t suggest a product or service that I’ve already created, here’s a run-down of everything we currently offer.

PRODUCTS

Free Belief Elimination Program

We’ve made available three videos that help you eliminate three of the most common beliefs that keep people from having what they want. They are only available in streaming video. http://recreateyourlife.com/free

Natural Confidence Program

This program helps you attain the natural state of confidence you had before you formed any limiting beliefs. Once you complete the program, you’ll take action to achieve your goals, do what you believe is right even if others disagree, and feel calm and relaxed during what used to be experienced as troubling times.

Eliminating the 23 beliefs and conditionings on this program will also help you get rid of seven other common problems, including a lack of confidence, procrastination, worrying about what others think of you, and stress. This program is available as a DVD and in streaming video formats.

The Abundance Program

This series of five videos, available only in streaming video, helps you eliminate five beliefs that can block you from having a sense of financial abundance. http://recreateyourlife.com/moneybeliefs.

The Secret For Ending Overeating for Good (free eBook)

This eBook describes the causes of and a revolutionary cure for emotional eating. Get the free book at: http://www.emotionaleatingreport.com/. You also can sign up there to get regular blog posts specifically on emotional eating.

SERVICES

One-on-one Phone Sessions

We offer private phone and Skype sessions that help you discover the beliefs and conditionings that cause any behavioral or emotional problem, and then eliminate them. To find out how we can help you, please call us at 415-884-0552.

Courses

The Lefkoe Occurring Course

This powerful course, which is only offered three or four times a year, teaches you how to dissipate the fear that keeps you from taking action and dissolve the anger that harms relationships. You achieve this by dissolving your “occurrings,” which arise from the meanings you give to events moment-by-moment. These automatic, unconsciously created occurrings determine how you experience your life. When you complete this course, you will have made the Lefkoe Occurring Process—the Process that enables you to dissolve your “occurrings” in moments—so automatic that you’ll rarely have to use it consciously any more. The course results in you experiencing a peace of mind that is possible only when your mind stops creating negative meanings for events. As Krishnamurti once said, "The highest stage of human intelligence is to observe without evaluating."

Lefkoe Belief Process Training Course

This nearly completed tele-course will teach you how to help yourself and others eliminate beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process.

2. What topics would you like more information about?

During the past few years I’ve written 124 posts on this blog, the equivalent of over two full-length books, which have led to 3, 138 comments and questions from readers and my responses.

Because you—my readers—read these posts because you are interested in improving something in your life, I’ve mainly written about how you can make fundamental changes in your behavior and emotions. I intend this blog to be the “go to” site for people wanting to discover the real underlying source of their problems and learn about the best solutions.

Here’s a link to a list of topics I’ve already written about

http://www.mortylefkoe.com/table-of-contents/#

How can we serve you?

Please answer my two questions, which I’ve copied below, so we can continue to give you what you want and need.

1. What courses or problems would you like us to offer that would help you make the changes you want to make and live the life you want to live?

2. What topics would you like more information about?

We are committed to being the best place to get information on how to improve your life and to being the best company to obtain effective and permanent solutions to the problems in your life.

Please leave your comments and questions below.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed at mortylefkoe.com above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2010-11 Morty Lefkoe

NOTE: One of the most frequent questions I get is about what causes a low level of self-confidence and what can be done to improve it.  To answer those questions I’ve posted an updated version of a post from early last year on this topic.

Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why?

• What is confidence anyway?
• Where does it come from?  Why do some people have more of it than others?
• How can we improve our level of confidence?
• How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence?

As someone who has helped literally thousands of people build more confidence, I think I am qualified to answer these questions.  (By the way, I had very little self-confidence for most of my life but now I consistently experience a high level of confidence.)

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a sense of victimization to a sense that we can handle whatever life throws at us.  Some people are almost totally lacking in confidence and some feel confident that they can handle almost anything; most people are in-between.  So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can raise their level of confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though one has high level of self-confidence.  Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

Confidence is ultimately a function of the self-esteem beliefs we hold.  For example, someone who believes I’m not good enough, I’m not capable, I’m powerless, I’m not worthy or deserving, etc. will likely have a low level of self-confidence.  On the other hand, someone with the beliefs I am good enough, I am capable, I impact my reality, I’m worthy and deserving, etc. will likely have a high level of self-confidence.

In other words, your confidence in yourself as a person is the result of having positive beliefs about yourself.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot.  The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs.  Every negative self-esteem-type belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence; every one we eliminate raises our internal level of self-confidence.

Once you understand that negative self-esteem beliefs lower your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will realize that the commonly-held notion that self-confidence comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life is a serious misunderstanding.

Even if you usually succeed at tasks as a kid, but your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs, which will lower your self-confidence.  On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time.  If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence.  In other words, your level of self-confidence is a function of your beliefs—the meaning you give your results—not your actual results.

And if you create a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs early in life, failures later on probably will be experienced as learning experiences or temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidenc

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough and we will fail.)

Low self-confidence also can result in self-defeating behavior.  It can keep you from ever getting started.  Or it can have you quit at the first sign of a problem.  Or it can lead you to sabotage yourself when you get close to success because you feel you don’t really deserve to get what you want.  Or if somehow you manage to get some of what you want, a low level of self-confidence will keep you from truly enjoying your success.  The best illustration of this latter point is a study of large company CEOs done many years ago in which most of them admitted they were terrified that they would be “found out” and that everything they had achieved would be taken away from them.  This fear is so common that it has been given a name: “The Imposter Syndrome.

How building confidence improves your life

Some of the benefits of increased self-confidence include: You’ll take more chances. You’ll stop procrastinating.  You’ll do whatever you need to do to move your vision forward.  You’ll finally start things you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to doing. It will make social activity easier.  Talking to people and meeting new people will become easier and effortless.   Failure and mistakes will no longer be dreaded. And you’ll do what you want without worrying about what others will think

Do you still have any questions about confidence?  Is the difference clear between a lack of self-confidence and the inability to perform a specific task?  Please leave your comments and questions below

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2010-11 Morty Lefkoe

The tens of millions of people who are interested in self-improvement have two different but related focuses: financial success and personal growth.

People who primarily are interested in financial success seek out products that promise to help them make more money and end up with more wealth. Such people are usually willing to pay more for their courses and webinars than for courses that only improve their emotional well-being.

People who primarily are interested in personal growth usually want to change their behavior, such as stop procrastinating, and their emotions, such as stop their anxiety and anger. People for whom this is the goal usually are willing to pay far less for such products. Some of these people, especially those who have a strong spiritual bent, even think that being spiritual precludes them from pursuing money.

So although sometimes there is an overlap between these two groups, people tend to have one focus or the other.

There is an inextricable connection

But even for the people who do pursue both goals, I’m not sure that many people interested in self-improvement are aware that there is an inextricable connection between the two areas of life.

Although financial success can be affected by many different factors—including what product or service you are offering, the quality of the offering, to what market, competition, at what price, etc.—one of the most critical factors that is often ignored but that significantly affects your financial success is your mental/emotional state.

Because my expertise is on how beliefs affect our lives, I’ll focus on the impact of beliefs, but whether the source of dysfunctional behavior and emotions are beliefs or anything else, the chance of achieving and enjoying financial success in today’s world is slim unless you are able to get rid of your dysfunctional behavior and emotions.

Let me explain why.

For many years, success in business depended on showing up every day and doing what you were told. If you did it well enough for long enough, you’d usually move up through the organization you worked for and end up with a nice pension.

Financial success requires personal growth

Today showing up and doing the “right” thing is no longer enough, whether you work for yourself or for others. More and more organizations are looking for creative, innovative, imaginative people who will figure out for themselves what needs to be done instead of waiting to be told. And if you work for yourself, then merely doing what others do, the way others do it, is unlikely to provide significant financial success.

Today the world is looking for the intellectually curious, the people who are willing to take risks, who, as Seth Godin puts it, are willing to “poke the box.”

If that is what financial success requires in today’s fast-changing world—where what worked yesterday is probably not what is going to work today and certainly won’t be what works tomorrow—than your behavior and emotional state are crucial.

Beliefs that hinder financial success

What is the chance of you being innovative, taking chances, doing what makes sense to you whether others approve or not, etc. if you have even just a few of the following beliefs?

• I’m not good enough.
• Mistakes and failure are bad.
• If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
• I’m inadequate.
• I’m not important.
• What makes me good enough and important is having others think well of me.
• I’m not capable.
• I’m not competent.
• I’m powerless.

And that list of self-esteem beliefs doesn’t even include specific beliefs about money, such as:

• Money is hard to get.
• Money is a struggle.
• There’s never enough money.

In addition to the beliefs, what if also you have been conditioned to feel fear if you are rejected, if you are criticized or judged, or if you don’t live up to the expectations of others?

People with beliefs and conditionings like these will have a hard time doing what they need to do to achieve financial success. Yes, they can learn what to do from a lot of great books and courses, but it will still be difficult to implement that really useful advice.

A client buys the house of her dreams

My wife Shelly—who is a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator who helps over 25 clients a week get rid of limiting beliefs—told me the following story that illustrates this point. She had a client who eliminated a few negative self-esteem beliefs and other negative beliefs about achieving financial abundance. One day she got a call from this client who wanted to share some exciting news with her. The client and three of her friends had attended a T. Harv Eker workshop, after which she had bought the summer house of her dreams.

The client attributed her new possession to what she learned in the workshop. Shelly listened and then asked the client what her friends had purchased. The client responded that they hadn’t bought anything or done anything to improve their financial condition after the workshop.

At that point Shelly pulled out the client’s file and read her some of the beliefs she had eliminated before she attended the workshop: I’m not deserving, Money is scarce and hard to get, You should always save for a rainy day, I’ll never get what I want, and I’m not important.

Shelly then asked her, “Do you think you would have spent the money and bought the summer house of your dreams if you still had the beliefs you eliminated?” The stunned silence at the other end of the phone line was the answer.

Obviously merely getting rid of limiting beliefs and conditionings is not sufficient to insure financial abundance. You have to take action. But the ability to take the type of actions required for financial success in today’s world require the ability to not be stopped by your fear of making mistakes, by what you think others may think of your behavior, or by a lack of confidence.

So if financial success is your focus—and there is nothing wrong with that focus—make sure you handle your personal growth first. It probably will give you a better chance to achieve financial success and it certainly will enable you to enjoy it more.

What do you think about the relationship between personal growth and financial success? Please write your comments below.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

I rarely give advice in my weekly blog post. I focus on the relationship between beliefs/conditioning and having the life you want to have. That is my area of real expertise.

But there is one aspect of life in which I think I am an expert, where I think I can give some very useful advice: how to improve your relationship with your significant other (spouse or steady partner). Shelly and I have created an incredible relationship and I think some of the things we do can significantly improve your relationship, although you might have to eliminate some beliefs in order to implement some of the suggestions.

The door closes

After Shelly and I had decided to get married but before the wedding, she complained about the fact that I was already leading a couple of evening seminars a week and was thinking about taking on an additional one. She said that it didn’t make sense for her to live with me if I was never going to be home to be with her. It wasn’t a threat, but the clear implication was that it made no sense to her for us to live together if I was going to be away “so often.”

I said, “I only have one demand if we are going to get married.”  Now, Shelly is not someone who does well with demands, so she responded with surprise: “Excuse me!” I said, “I promise I will never cheat on you, I will never do anything I know will hurt you, and I am willing to work on myself to fix anything that is a problem in our relationship, but if we are going to be together, as of this moment you have to give up the right to leave, your commitment has to be absolute.  If you are going to marry me I want your word that this is forever.”

I explained, “If we agree there we will never ‘entertain leaving,’ then we will have to find a way to make our relationship work. As long as leaving is a possibility, then there will never be a total commitment to making it work.”

Shelly was stunned.  She told me later that she was terrified to make such a commitment.  She had experienced the “freedom of a single life” for over 30 years. But she said that at that moment when she chose to give me the commitment it was as if a safe vault door was shut and she was on the inside.  She later told me that the freedom she had experienced when she made the commitment was amazing.

In the early years of our marriage when we did argue a lot and had a lot of disagreements, this commitment that we had both made always kept us focused on finding a solution instead of thinking that we could leave if it didn’t work out.

Love for no reason

I’ve written about this next “tip” before, so let me review it briefly and give you a link to read about it in more detail. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/love-unconditionally/#

When Shelly and I were living together, shortly before we got married, she asked me why I loved her.  I answered her, “Just because I say so.”

She didn’t like this answer.  She wanted to know which qualities about her made me love her.  I kept insisting that I only loved her because I said so, not for any particular reason.

At some point I explained what I meant.  “If I love you for specific reasons, then my love is conditioned on you being a certain way.  If you stopped being that way or if you weren’t that way at a given time, I wouldn’t love you.  But if I love you just because I say so, then my love is unconditional and I can and will love you no matter what you do or don’t do.” I’ve repeated this to Shelly many times during the past 30 years and I think it’s finally okay with her.

As a result of this unconditional love, whenever I haven’t feel love toward Shelly at any given moment, I realized that I was not creating it and that it was up to me to figure out why and to start creating it again. I wasn’t blaming her for anything and I wasn’t waiting for her to change in some way.  That gave me complete control over the way I felt about her, in other words, there was not only nothing she had to do to make me love her, there was nothing she could do that would lead to me not loving her.

I love a lot of things that Shelly does—such as the way she supports me, the way she loves me, and the way we read each other’s minds—but I don’t love her because of those things. So I am able to love her just as much when she doesn’t do those things as when she does.

This tip alone has me able to love Shelly 24/7, 365 days a year, regardless of what she does or doesn’t do. It makes for an incredible relationship.

Create love newly every day

Closely related to the prior suggestion is the importance of creating love for each other every day. I don’t try to remember how much I loved Shelly yesterday, I just wake up and create loving her, newly, every day. The first thing I say to her every morning is: I love you. Which is usually the last thing I say to her before we go to sleep at night.

I probably tell her how much I love her at least five times a day and frequently send her Google chats or emails that say: “Just in case you forgot: I love you massively.”

I find that the very act of saying “I love you” makes it easier to create that feeling in me.

(While I was editing this post Shelly suddenly appeared in my office, walked over to me, kissed me, and then walked out. Does life get any better than that?)

Stop giving meaning to things your partner says and does

As a result of implementing the relationship suggestions I’ve made above, Shelly and I have always had a very good relationship, even when we argued a lot in the early days. But even after eliminating all the beliefs we could find about ourselves and relationships, and after living the suggestions I’ve made in this post, there were still daily things that Shelly did that resulted in me feeling frustrated or annoyed with her.

For example, when I married Shelly over 30 years ago I was a mess.  I had just been divorced for a second time and was getting depressed frequently.  When we argued my way of coping with my upsets was to withdraw … and not just for a few hours. I’d withdraw for a couple of days!  Shelly, on the other hand, would “get off it” (in other words, let go of the upset) in an hour or so and then wonder why I was reacting to something that had ended hours or even days before.

As I used The Lefkoe Method (TLM) to eliminate beliefs and conditionings, the time it took me to let go of my upset decreased, until, like Shelly, I could get off it in an hour or so after the argument was over.

At some point we created a friendly competition to see who could get off it first, in other words, who would be the first one to let go of the upset totally and be back in relationship with the other person. I ultimately acquired the ability to do that during an argument (as opposed to after it was over). I was able to stop right in the middle of it and just smile and say: “I’m sorry that whatever I am doing is upsetting you.  Is there anything I can do to resolve this?  I love you.”

Here’s what’s important about what I was doing. I didn’t say these words to placate Shelly or use extreme will power while still being upset.  I was able to stop the upset and then say words that were true for me.

How did I learn to do that?  I started asking myself what meaning I was giving Shelly’s behavior and comments.  I realized that my upset was due to the meaning I was giving her behavior, not due to what she actually said or did.  And then I followed two steps to get rid of that meaning.

First I realized that Shelly’s behavior had no inherent meaning, in fact, I realized that all events in the world have no meaning. Then I asked myself if I could literally “see” the meaning I had given her actions and statements.  Obviously I never could “see” the meaning I had given, I could only “see” the events.

So it became clear to me that the meaning existed only in my mind.  What she was doing and saying had no inherent meaning.  The only meaning was the one I had given it.

As you know if you’ve eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, events that have no meaning can’t make us feel anything.  So the upset that I thought Shelly had “caused” was, in fact, caused by the meaning I had given what Shelly did and said. When that became real, the upset literally disappeared.

For example, if your partner doesn’t do something you asked her to do and then you give the event the meaning that you can’t get what you want, you will get angry.  If you give the event the meaning that your partner doesn’t care about what you want, you will be hurt or upset.  If you say that your partner’s behavior has no inherent meaning, you will feel nothing.  You’ll probably just calmly do what you needed yourself or ask your partner again if she will do it.

And that is something you can learn to do consistently, with practice.

Try implementing these four suggestions and then use the comment section below to let us know how they affect your relationship. Great relationships really are possible.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Every six months I join about one hundred of my friends in the Transformational Leadership Council for four days. We enjoy hanging out together; we learn from each other; we support each other. The days we spend together are among the most important days of my year.

At last week’s meeting I discovered a significant barrier in my life. Actually I sort of knew it was there, but last week I saw it in a way I had never seen it before. And now, 26 years after I created The Lefkoe Method that enabled me to eliminate literally hundreds of beliefs and conditionings, I realized there were a bunch more I needed to get rid of.

My breakthrough

Let me share my breakthrough with you as many of you might personally relate to it.

My wife, Shelly, frequently tells me that I don’t say much during conversations with other people. I think I am listening and learning (I figure I learn more when I listen than when I talk), but I realized she is right: I often don’t talk even when I have something worthwhile to contribute. I also sometimes feel uncomfortable even around people I know and have a close relationship with. I hesitate to talk about my work unless I am clearly asked and the person asking shows some real interest.

I’ve known all of this, but overall my life works and I’m very happy. Because no one of these issues seemed to be a “problem,” there was nothing I needed to “work on.”

Last week I was trying to find what was getting in the way of me successfully completing an exercise. In this type of situation the most frequent barrier is a fear of failure and a wanting to look good in front of others. Those feelings had been a significant barrier for most of my life, but they had finally gotten handled some years ago when I eliminated the beliefs that caused them.

The source of my barriers

While interacting with the facilitator of this exercise I started talking about my childhood with the hope that I might find a clue to what was stopping me. I shared that my parents divorced when I was 3 and I saw my dad very little for the next 7-8 years. Then we spent a little time together until I was 15, at which time he told me he was leaving the city we lived in because, he said, “your mother drove me out of town” because she asked for more child support. He said he wasn’t going to tell me where he was going to live and that if I wanted to reach him, I could give a letter (remember “letters”) to my aunt (his sister) who would forward it to him. I didn’t see him for 20 years after that and didn’t hear from him when I graduated high school and college.

As I related this story to the facilitator I got very upset and tears were streaming down my face. I realized that I’ve felt I was not wanted or truly accepted by others. I realized that I’ve felt unseen by most people. I realized that I’ve never had a mentor or a partner in business (other than Shelly). I realized that I’ve had a very difficult time being really open with men.

The next day I sat down and made a list of beliefs I had that could explain this entire pattern of behavior, the major source of which were interactions with my father.

My limiting beliefs and sense

I can’t count on people.

People don’t want to be around me.

People aren’t interested in me and in what I care about.

If people get angry with me they will hurt me.

The way to survive is to do it all myself, to be totally self-sufficient.

I also looked at my sense of myself regarding others and found the following: alone, lonely, heaviness in my chest, on the outside looking in, sad, don’t know how to relate to others, don’t know what to say to others, can’t count on others, an outsider, people don’t want to be around me, uncomfortable around men, afraid of being hurt by others.

Can you see how all my “symptoms” can be explained by my beliefs and my sense of self regarding people?

It took me 74 years to discover the connection between several different “problem” areas of my life, no one of which seemed to need my attention. But now that I see the bigger picture, I’m no longer willing to live disconnected from people. I realize now that I have a significant barrier to having truly satisfying relationships, especially with men.

So this week I will sit myself down and eliminate these five beliefs (and any others I might find as I work on these) and de-condition the sense. I expect to enjoy my relationships a lot more and stop being afraid of people, especially men. I expect to be a much happier human being.

What about you?

What do you think about my recent breakthrough? Is there a barrier in your life that you haven’t yet identified? Please comment below.

If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Every week I get a few blog comments and emails asking me to help you identify the beliefs that cause specific problems. Although our training that will teach you how to eliminate beliefs once you’ve found them won’t be available for another couple of months, for those of you who have already figured out how to eliminate beliefs on your own, here are some common patterns and the beliefs that cause them—for most people, most of the time. Some people obviously don’t have all these beliefs and some people have a couple of additional beliefs.

Procrastination:

• Mistakes and failure are bad.
• I’m not good enough.
• Change is difficult.
• What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
• Nothing I do is good enough.
• I’m not capable.
• I’m not competent.
• If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
• I’m a failure.
• I’m stupid.
• I’m not worthy.
• I’m powerless.
• What makes me good enough or important is doing things perfectly.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Fear of rejection:

• I’m not good enough.
• Change is difficult.
• I’m not important.
• What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me.
• If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
• I’m not worthy.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Concern with the approval of others:

• Mistakes and failure are bad.
• I’m not good enough.
• Change is difficult.
• I’m not important.
• What makes me good enough/important is having people think well of me.
• I’m not worthy
• If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with criticism and judgment.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with not meeting expectations.
• Conditioning: Fear associated with rejection.

Notice that some of the beliefs are the same for all three problems and some are different. We have found that certain basic negative self-esteem beliefs seem to underlie almost any pattern. And then each behavioral or emotional problem has its own unique beliefs.

Problems with careers, abundance, and relationships have additional beliefs in those specific areas.

You’ll also notice in the above lists that all three patterns include conditioning. As I’ve explained in prior blog posts, most behavioral and emotional problems are caused primarily by beliefs, but in many cases by conditioning also. For example, most people are conditioned to feel some level of anxiety if they are criticized, if they don’t live up to expectations, or if they are rejected. These conditionings have to be de-conditioned before many problems can be totally eliminated. For more information about conditioning, please see http://www.mortylefkoe.com/032310/.

For more information about how to identify the beliefs underlying any given problem, see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/find-beliefs-underlying/.

If there are any other specific topics you would like me to write about, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I’ll do my best to write about any topic that a number of you request.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Why do we usually make up a meaning for events that have no inherent meaning? And how does that automatic, unconscious meaning-making process create problems for us?

Why we need to create meaning

As a human being, your survival is conditional—it is not guaranteed. In other words, there are some things that help insure your survival and some things that threaten your survival. As a very young child, having loving, caring parents makes us feel our survival is insured; having parents who do not love or care about us (or who we feel do not love or care about us) makes us feel our survival is threatened. As an adult having someone on a dark street stick a gun in your face and demand your money makes you feel as if your survival is threatened.

Human beings seem to have a hard-wired “meaning making” mechanism that judges almost everything: conducive to my survival or inimical to my survival—for me or against me. One of the first words that children learn, and then repeat incessantly, is “why.” We need to understand what is happening and why so we can better judge the effect it might have on our lives.

The need to discover an event’s probable impact on us leads us to look for the meaning in events that have no inherent meaning. As I’ve explained in earlier posts and as is clear to anyone who has eliminated at least one belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process, no event has an inherent meaning because any event could have a multitude of meanings and you can’t ever draw any conclusions, for sure, from any event. Meaning exists only in the mind, not in the world.

For example, if parents get angry when their children didn’t meet their expectations, most children will assign such behavior the meaning that they aren’t good enough. In fact, however, the fact that parents are angry at their child tells you nothing for certain about their child. As a result, you can’t know anything for certain about a child from the fact that his parents frequently got angry at him. In other words, the events involving the parents and children have no inherent meaning.

We create two different types of meaning

There are two fundamental types of meaning we give to events:

The first type is the meaning we give to a pattern of events, such as mom and dad being busy a lot of the time (leading to: I’m not important) or mom and dad arguing a lot and getting divorced (leading to: Relationships don’t work). These meanings become beliefs, which are generalized statements about ourselves, people and life that stay with us forever unless we find some way to eliminate the belief. Such beliefs are often variations of “I am …, or “People are …, or “Life is ….” Beliefs are statements about reality that we feel are “the truth,” thereby determining our behavior.

The second type is the meaning we give to specific events, both external (events in the world) or internal (such as thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, etc.). These meanings last only as long as our focus on an event lasts. Like beliefs, such meanings are created unconsciously and automatically. The meaning we give this type of event determines how it “occurs” for us. Most of us most of the time never distinguish between actual events and how the events occur to us. We think the latter is real and therefore we deal with the “occurring” as if it is the actual reality.

In other words, if a friend walks into a room and doesn’t speak to us, and this event occurs to us as: my friend doesn’t like me, it seems to us as if the reality is my friend doesn’t like me. At which point we deal with this person as if he really doesn’t like me, when all we know for sure is that when he walked into the room he did not talk to us. In other words, because we usually don’t distinguish between an event and the meaning we give the event, we deal with the meaning as if it is what actually happened.

Ultimately, both types of meanings (beliefs and our occurrings) get substituted for reality in our mind and we don’t deal with what really is. In other words, we think our beliefs and occurrings are “the truth.”

Getting rid of these meanings

When you eliminate beliefs, you create new possibilities in your life because “your reality” has changed. The filters through which you view reality are gone. Barriers to action, such as procrastination and anxiety, have been permanently eliminated.

When you dissolve the meaning/occurring you give events moment by moment, you are better able to deal with the situation (if it needs dealing with) because you are clear on the difference between the event to be dealt with and the meaning that exists only in your mind. So you are able to see more possibilities for solving a problem. Moreover, because meaningless events cannot cause feelings, most of our negative emotions, such as anxiety and anger, come from the meaning you give events. By dissolving the meaning, you simultaneously dissolve the negative feelings.

Dissolve beliefs and occurrings by making a distinction

As I pointed out in an earlier blog post, we think our beliefs and the meaning we give events moment by moment are true because of a distinction we failed to make earlier, namely between the event(s) and the meaning we assign the event(s). Therefore, the way to eliminate or dissolve beliefs and current meanings is to make the distinction we did not make earlier. When we are able to make that distinction, the belief and the current meaning/occurring disappear.

When people are told they can eliminate beliefs, some respond: But won’t that force me to do things that might be dangerous, for example, if I eliminate the belief life is dangerous, won’t that make me oblivious to some real dangers. The answer is no. Eliminating beliefs does not make you do anything. It only offers new possibilities, from which you can freely choose.

A similar thing happens when I tell people that they can learn to stop giving meaning to events. One person asked: Won’t that lead to people becoming sociopaths? What he meant was: if your have no feelings, won’t you stop caring about other people? Won’t you lose all sense of morality? Again, the answer is no.

Not giving an arbitrary meaning to moment-to-moment events does not affect your values at all. You can still value human life and have a desire to alleviate the suffering of others.

In addition, you do not need meaning to get you to take action. If you lose your job, you don’t need to assume it means that you will not be able to pay your bills, that you will lose your home, that you will never get another job, etc. in order to start looking for a new job. In fact, you will be better able to create strategies for finding a new job if you are not overwhelmed with the fear that would result from such occurrings.

How can I decide what to do without any meaning?

But if nature built a meaning-making mechanism into us because we need to know if what we encounter in reality is conducive to or threatens our survival, how will we be able to survive if we stop making meaning?

There is a significant difference between making reasonable assumptions that we know are assumptions and that we continually check for accuracy, and unknowingly giving meaning to an event and then thinking that the way the event occurred to us is what actually happened. We can never be better off by being blind to what actually is.

Automatic meaning-making might be useful in a world where real danger lurks beneath every bush, where a saber-tooth tiger might jump out at you at any moment. In such a world, we need to automatically give meaning to events and respond without conscious thought. We are better being safe than sorry and assuming the worst will probably save our lives at some point.

But we no longer live in a world where we need automatic, unconscious meaning. In virtually every situation we have the time to carefully think about events and consciously determine their most likely meaning—all the while realizing that our consciously-created meanings are provisional and need to be checked for usefulness from time to time. We know they are our best guesses at that time and do not mistake them for the truth.

In today’s modern world, thinking your beliefs and occurrings are “the truth” can never be useful. So eliminate your limiting beliefs and learn how to stop automatically giving meaning to current events. You’ll be surprised at how much happier and more successful you will become.

What do you think about our biological need to create meaning and how not giving meaning to events enables us to have a better life? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

Have you ever told yourself that you were going to do something—something you really wanted to do—and then just never get around to it? If you are, you are like millions of others and Seth Godin’s new book is about you.

I read his newest book, Poke the Box, a few months ago and it’s just the right book for our times. It probably will become his 13^th best-seller.

You need to take action

If you’ve read any of his earlier books or his daily blog (which I devour as soon as it arrives in my inbox), you know that Seth is passionate about innovation and change. And, he stresses repeatedly, if you want to produce something new and change anything, you have to start and you have to “ship,” in other words, create a product or service and then make it available.

In other words, get an idea for something new that people will find valuable and willing to pay for and then stay with it until it’s ready to ship. But everyone knows that. Do we need another book that repeats that obvious truth?

He is talking about business, but the point he is making applies to all of us, all the time, outside of business. Life is about making things happen, not just thinking about what we would like to make happen.

The reason we need Seth’s book is that, despite the fact that the need to start and ship (the need to move forward in life) is obvious, most people don’t do it.

Seth correctly says that the major reason is fear of failure. We are afraid to make mistakes and to fail. And anytime you are trying something new, something that hasn’t been proven to work before, there is always the possibility of a mistake or failure.

Why do we all fear failure?

Seth spends most of his latest book encouraging people to overcome this fear and giving them tips on how to do it.

I totally agree with Seth that what is needed most in this world is innovation that is turned into products and services and then shipped. I also agree that fear of mistakes and failure is the biggest barrier to people doing this.

But I have a slight disagreement about why so many people are afraid. Yes, we do have a reptilian brain where the only thing that counts is our survival. That’s why anything we perceive as threatening our survival will produce the emotion of fear.

But what determines what we perceive to be a threat to our survival? If you are a regularly reader of my posts, you won’t be surprised when I say the answer is beliefs. In this case, two specific beliefs.

What makes people fear mistakes and failure are two beliefs that most people seem to have: Mistakes and failure are bad and If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. If you think it is bad to make a mistake or fail and that you will be rejected if you do either of these two things, you will experience fear and, in far too many cases, the fear will inhibit action.

The source of the “fear of failure” beliefs

Why are these two beliefs so common? Well, let’s take a look at how they were formed. Most parents never take parenting classes on learning how to be an effective parent and most parents bring their own “baggage” with them to the job of parenting. Moreover, most parents have unreasonable expectations for their children. For example, most parents expect toddlers to come when called, sit still, not make too much noise, and do what they are told to do. All of these things are virtually impossible for a toddler.

How do parents respond when their expectations are not met? In the best of cases with mild annoyance and frustration—in the worst of cases with physical abuse. The reaction of most parents is in-between these two extremes. Most parents get angry and repeat the phrases that have become clichés in our society: “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Don’t you ever listen?” “Why can’t you do what I tell you?” “What’s wrong with you?” Many of our clients tell us about their parents’ “look.”

What meaning does a four-to-six-year-old give to his parents’ response? I’m not doing what my parents want. I don’t seem to be able to give them what they want. I’m making mistakes and failing. And because mom and dad are angry, that must be bad. And because it feels like my parents don’t love me when they are angry at me and it feels like they are withdrawing from me, it feels like I’m being rejected.

Yes, most schools also create an environment in which these two beliefs are likely to be formed. Unfortunately most kids have already created these beliefs at home before the age of six, before they ever got to school.

How do I know this? Because my associates and I have helped over 13,000 clients eliminate the beliefs that cause most of the problems in their lives and most of these clients have had these two beliefs about mistakes and failure. And the type of parenting behavior I described above is the source of the beliefs for almost all of them.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news.

Beliefs like these can be quickly and permanently eliminated. And what I’ve discovered from my work with clients is that as soon as these two beliefs are eliminated (sometimes a few other core beliefs are required), the fear of failure literally disappears. Forever.

So maybe the best way to create a world in which most people are willing to “poke the box”—to create a new idea, then start work on it and then ship it—is to help millions of people get rid of the beliefs that are preventing such behavior.

Steps of a process to eliminate the beliefs

Here are the steps of a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process^® that will enable most people to eliminate these two beliefs about mistakes and failure (and most other beliefs) permanently. (Literally tens of thousands of people have gotten rid of these beliefs using this process.) Just ask someone these questions and allow them to answer. I’ll provide the answers that most people with the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, have given.

Step 1: What is the belief?

Mistakes and failure are bad.

Step 2: What is the source of the belief? What happened (usually before the age of six if it’s a self-esteem belief) that led to this belief being formed?

Mom and dad were critical of me when I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted, or the way they wanted. They said things like: “Can’t you do anything right?” “When are you going to learn?” Sometimes they’d just look and sound disappointed and sometimes they got angry and yelled.

Step 3: Can you see that, although the meaning you gave the events (your belief) is one logically valid interpretation, there are three of four others? Name a few other possible meanings for my behavior and mom and dad’s reaction to it.

Mom and dad’s annoyance at me when I didn’t live up to their expectations could have several meanings: Mom and dad thought mistakes and failure were bad, but they were wrong. Mistakes and failure were bad in my house; they might not have been bad in other households. Mom and dad didn’t understand that mistakes and failure can be great learning experiences and aren’t bad at all. Mom and dad got annoyed at me, not because mistakes and failure are bad, but because they had unreasonable expectations of me as a young child.

Step 4: After helping find several other interpretations, ask: Can you see that your interpretation (your belief) is not the truth, it is only a truth, one possible interpretation of several that explain the events? The answer usually will be, yes.

Yes. It is only a truth.

Step 5: Imagine being present during the earlier events where your belief was formed. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see [the words of the belief]? The answer usually will be, yes.

I did see it.

Step 6. Can you really “see” [the words of the belief]? If you can really “see” it, tell me what it looks like, the shape, color, and location?

I can’t see it. The belief was only in my mind, not in the world.

Step 7. Can you get that, although there certainly were consequences of mom and dad’s comments and behavior, it had no meaning? In other words, you don’t know anything for sure about mistakes and failure merely from how your parents responded to your behavior as a child, do you?

No, I don’t. The childhood events have no inherent meaning. Only the meaning I gave them.

Step 8. Say the words of the belief. … Does this statement still feel like the truth? The answer usually will be, no.

The belief is gone.

(This is a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process, which is © 1985 Morty Lefkoe)

As always, don’t take my word for what I claim. I urge you to try the exercises I present in my posts so you can discover for yourself that they work and result in profound changes in people. To see the steps of this process in action and to eliminate the belief, Mistakes and failure are bad, yourself, please go to: http://recreateyourlife.com/free/mistakes.php.

Try this and then let me know what results you produced. Tell me if your fear of taking action disappears.

What do you think about how our fear of failure beliefs stops us from acting? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe

(This post is an edited version of a post I wrote for Amex Open Forum on March 18, 2011.)

Most of the time we are only interested in attaining results and we don’t really care about detailed explanations for how we got those results. But sometimes knowing precisely how we achieved specific results enables us to have more control over producing those results consistently. I think I’ve just figured out how one of my processes works as well as it does.

I’ve told you on several occasions how most of us don’t make a distinction between reality and the meaning we give it, and then deal with the meaning (that exists only in our mind) instead of what is actually happening in the world.

A simple example is someone you know walking in a room and not saying hello to you. That is all that actually happened. But most of us would give it a meaning like, he is angry with me or she doesn’t like me any more. And here’s the real problem: we think that the meaning actually occurred, as if we can see it, when, in fact, it’s only in our mind.

I’ve explained to you that the Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) enables us to make a clear distinction between the reality and the meaning, and then quickly and easily to dissolve the meaning, so we can clearly see and deal with the events/reality.

The new field of neuroplasticity

I’ve never known how the LOP worked; I only knew that it did. After learning about a intriguing new area of science called brain plasticity I think I now understand how the LOP works so well.

Until the past 20 years or so, most scientists were convinced that the brain developed for the first few years of life, growing new connections and then stopped and could no longer be changed. In a fascinating book, The Brain That Changes Itself, Norman Doidge, M.D., points out: “The common wisdom was that after childhood the brain changed only when it began the long process of decline; that when brain cells failed to develop property, or were injured, or died, they could not be replaced.

He tells of meeting scientists who in the past few decades had made “a series of unexpected discoveries. They showed that the brain changed its very structure with each different activity it performed, perfecting its circuit so it was better suited to the task at hand. … They began to call this fundamental brain property “neuroplasticity.”

At this point Doidge’s book gets really exciting because it enabled me to create a theory as to why the LOP works so well. Doidge discusses the work of Donald O. Hebb, a Canadian behavioral psychologist, who in 1949 proposed “that when two neurons fire at the same time repeatedly (or when one fires, causing another to fire), chemical changes occur in both, so that the two tend to connect more strongly. Hebb’s concept—actually proposed by Freud sixty years before—was neatly summarized by neuroscientist Carla Shatz: ‘Neurons that fire together wire together.’ Hebb’s theory thus argued that neuronal structure can be altered by experience.” (Emphasis added.)

How the LOP actually changes how the brain works

In other words, I suspect that there are parts of the brain that add meaning to events and that our perceptions of the world normally pass though those parts of the brain. By repeatedly dissolving the meaning we have given events, we are able to create a new neural circuit in the brain that bypasses those parts of the brain so that we are able to view our perception of events without meaning.

Many of the people in my Lefkoe Occurring Courses (including me) are able by the end of the course to stop giving meaning to most events and are able to dissolve any meaning we do give in a matter of moments. How did we achieve that result? We practiced dissolving the meaning we had automatically given to events hundreds of times. Somehow that repetition created a new circuit that bypassed the meaning-giving part of the brain.

I am excited about finding some neuroscientists who I can partner with to check the brains of a bunch of people before taking my Occurring Course and then again after, so we can see exactly what changes in the brain and where. (I’d also love to see what changes in the brain at the moment a belief is permanently eliminated!)

If you’d like to learn more about the upcoming Lefkoe Occurring Course, please go to  http://occurringcourse.com.

Dissolving meaning enables unconditional love

Parenthetically, when I tell people that with practice they can stop giving meaning to most events, I am often asked: But what about positive emotions, like love? If you don’t give meaning to what people do, won’t you stop loving them?

Actually, just the opposite is true. Many of us want to give our family unconditional love, but even when we intend to do that, the meaning we give our spouse’s, our parents’, and our children’s behavior often leads to annoyance, frustration and even anger. At that moment we are not experiencing or expressing unconditional love, even if we intend to express unconditional love. When we are angry at someone our love is experienced as conditioned on them not doing the type of things they are doing at that moment, which we are annoyed or angry with.

But when you have laid down new neural pathways that bypass meaning, you are actually able to love unconditionally. My wife Shelly has remarked that in the past year or so (since just after I started offering the Lefkoe Occurring Course, which I took as a participant in the beginning) she has experienced a whole new level of love from me. I don’t think I love her any more, but I no longer get annoyed at little things she does and says, so I am able to express and she is able to experience my unconditional love. The same is true with my two daughters.

For information about how to create love “for no reason,” please see my blog post, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/012610.

What do you think about neuroplasticity? What do you think about my claim that by not giving meaning to the behavior of your loved ones you are able to express unconditional love? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

My post today is about “distinctions.” And why should you care about distinctions? Because most of the problems in your life today exist because of distinctions you failed to make earlier in your life. Moreover, the way to permanently eliminate those problems from your life is to make those distinctions now.

I’ve known for a long time that the act of creating something is dependent on making distinctions. But I now also see in a way that I never did before that the effectiveness of The Lefkoe Method results from its ability to help you make distinctions you haven’t made.

Creation is an act of distinction

First let me explain what I mean by creation results from an act of distinction. I first realized this when I heard a presentation by Werner Erhard over 30 years ago. Let’s do a little thought experiment he used to make real that making a distinction is an act of creation. Really do the exercise.

Imagine your hand expanding and expanding until it fills the universe, so that there is nothing in the universe but your hand. What happens to your hand? … If you actually do this exercise you will experience your hand disappearing. Why? … Because any “thing,” in order to exist, must have a not “it.

A hand is a palm and fingers with space around it. If there were nothing but hand, it would crease to exist because it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, any “thing” (or everything), without any distinctions, is nothing.

This is not only true for physical objects, it also is true for abstractions. In order for “up” to exist, there has to be a “down.” “Peace” requires “war.” If there were only peace all the time, the idea of peace, as distinct from war, could not exist.

So the existence of any specific thing requires the non-existence of that thing. This is what is meant by a “dualistic universe.”

Is it now clear that we create by distinguishing some “thing” from everything else?

Beliefs are caused by a failure to distinguish

Now let me explain my insight the other day when I realized that all the processes of The Lefkoe Method are based on making distinctions that had not been made earlier and most of our behavioral and emotional problems (which are caused primarily by negative beliefs and destructive conditioning) ultimately are the result of not making crucial distinctions earlier in life. Let me explain

Let’s start with the Lefkoe Belief Process. To begin with, most people have never distinguished their beliefs as the primary cause of their behavior and feelings. Moreover, when you form a belief you are not distinguishing between the events and the meaning you are giving the events; it seems to you as if you have discovered the meaning (the belief) in the world, which leads you to think the meaning is inherent in the events, which leads you to think you can “see” the meaning in the world.

A belief is eliminated for most people when they distinguish between the event and the meaning, which leads them to realize they cannot “see” the belief in the world, at which point they get that the meaning exists only in their mind and not in the world. Emotionally kinesthetic people eliminate the belief when they make a distinction between reality as the source of their feeling/belief and the meaning they gave reality as the source of their feeling/belief.

In other words, the belief got formed because we failed to make a distinction earlier in life and is eliminated today when we make that distinction. If we had made the appropriate distinction earlier between the event and the meaning we attributed to it, the belief never would have been formed.

Conditionings also are caused by a failure to distinguish

What is the role of distinctions in the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP)? Let’s use my ice cream story to explain how stimuli are conditioned to produce emotions and how the LStimP de-conditions those stimuli so that they no longer trigger those emotions.

Imagine you were being handed an ice cream cone with one hand while the other hand made a fist that looked as if it was going to hit you. What would you probably feel as you observed both the ice cream and the fist? … Probably some degree of anxiety. If this happened repeatedly, at some point the ice cream would get conditioned to produce anxiety even when there was no fist accompanying it.

A common example of this in real life is being criticized as a child by your parents, who usually got angry and yelled at you when they criticized you. The criticism as such did not produce anxiety; the meaning a child gives the yelling produced anxiety because, for children, yelling means parents are angry, which means they don’t love me any more, which means I could be abandoned, which means I could die. That is what causes the anxiety.

The principle is: anything that repeatedly accompanies something else that produces anxiety can itself easily get conditioned to produce anxiety … when we don’t distinguish between the stimulus actually causing the anxiety and the other stimulus that itself does not produce anxiety but that repeatedly accompanies something that does.

The LStimP works by making a distinction that you didn’t make earlier in life when the conditioning took place. You realize that the ice cream was never scary; the fear was caused by the fist and you now make a distinction between the two. Being criticized was never scary; the fear was caused by the meaning you gave your yelling parents and you now make a distinction between the two.

Other Lefkoe Method processes help you made distinctions

There are other Lefkoe Method processes, such as the Lefkoe Occurring Process, which dissolves the meaning we give current events, the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process, which de-conditions emotional eating, the Lefkoe Sense Process, which de-conditions a negative sense of life or sense of self, and the Lefkoe Expectation Process, which de-conditions negative expectations.

These processes work in much the same way as the Lefkoe Belief Process: they enable you to make distinctions today that hadn’t been made earlier in life. When the distinction is made, the belief, the sense, the occurring, the expectation, or the conditioning is eliminated, as are the problems they cause.

Yet more to come

A lot of research has been done in recent years that proves conclusively that the brain is plastic, meaning it can change up until death. And making new distinctions is what enables the brain to create new pathways and learn. I have a strong sense that a better understanding of “distinctions” will enable me to create additional processes to facilitate easy and permanent change.

What do you think about distinctions? Do you have any questions about why they are so important in understanding both why people get stuck and how to get them unstuck? I’d love to read your comments and questions.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

If you are a reader of my weekly blog, you probably are interested primarily in

• personal/spiritual growth, by which I mean improving the quality of your life and/or becoming more spiritual,
• achieving more success, by which I mean earning more money or having an abundance of wealth in your life.

Negative, limiting beliefs are a barrier to both goals, but I usually tend to write more about the first goal.  Today I want to focus more on the second one.

Over the weekend I read a book by Joe Vitale, a friend of mine and one of the people I love spending time with at our twice-a-year Transformational Leadership Council meetings.  Because he has written a lot about the Law of Attraction and was one of the teachers in The Secret, I expected his book, Attract Money Now, to focus mainly on how to attract money merely by having positive emotions about abundance.

As I’ve written before, I think there is something to the Law of Attraction, but I don’t think that merely focusing on something, with emotion, is enough to have it show up in your life.

So I was pleasantly surprised.  I not only enjoyed reading the short (160 pages) book, I think it just might be the best book I’ve ever read on exactly what you need to do to create abundance in your life.

The first step is getting rid of negative, limiting beliefs

As you might imagine, if I liked the book so much Joe must talk of the importance of beliefs, which he does. The first of the seven steps to financial abundance that he describes is “Alter How You Think.”  He writes, “Limiting beliefs are like thieves in the night.  The first step to attracting money is to change your thoughts and address these underlying limiting beliefs.” (Emphasis added.) Although he doesn’t mention the Lefkoe Belief Process in that chapter, he does list my work as a reference in the back of the book.

By the way, one of the reasons we no longer promote a package of abundance beliefs is that getting rid of limiting beliefs is necessary, but not sufficient, to achieving abundance in your life. We like to guarantee results and we couldn’t guarantee that you would increase your wealth merely by eliminating the five beliefs in the package, so we withdrew it.  We now provide it only on request and after explaining that it doesn’t carry a guarantee like our other automated programs.

Joe also recognizes that eliminating beliefs is not enough, so he presents six other crucial steps.

One of these other steps explains that one way to change your mindset about money is to give without any expectation of return.  Such action implies a mindset of abundance.  Being afraid to give implies a mindset of scarcity.  And your mindset is crucial to achieving financial abundance.

In Step 4 Joe points out the importance of asking for help, both from the universe and from specific people.  He urges people to form or join a Mastermind Group, which is a group of several people with varying backgrounds who meet regularly to support each other.  In fact, he was so convincing that I decided that I would either join one or form one of my own by the end of this month.

Why “adding” emotion to your images of the future is important

The way he described another one of the steps gave me an insight I had never had before.  He, like so many others, talks about the importance of imagining the desired result and making it as emotionally real as possible.  When others have told me this before, it sounded a little “airy fairy” and I couldn’t see why adding emotion to a vision would help make it come true.

But Joe makes the point that “You are telling your mind to pay attention to the avenues and opportunities that will help you meet these goals.  Does this mean these opportunities don’t exist. No. It just means your mind filters them out because you haven’t told it these opportunities are important. … You’re telling yourself that these opportunities are important so it [your mind] should sit up and take notice.”

In other words, by getting emotionally excited about a future state of affairs, you are telling the mind to notice any opportunities for achieving that future state. It then seems as if new opportunities are being created by your emotional state, when, in fact, they aren’t being created, but noticed.

The importance of action

I especially like the fact that Joe emphasizes the importance of action: “You can’t just sit there thinking positive thoughts without DOING anything to turn around your finances.  You must take immediate inspired action, and come up with a new plan and work it. … This isn’t a magic formula; it’s practical advice with no nonsense.”

If you aren’t familiar with Joe’s work, he is a spiritual teacher and Internet marketer extraordinaire who really is committed to help people reach their goals.

Joe’s book is available free at http://attractmoneynow.com.  If you are interested in more financial abundance in your life, there is no better place to start.  But be prepared to take action and follow each step in Joe’s seven-step program.  Merely reading the book will accomplish nothing.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about our package of five beliefs that can serve as barriers to financial abundance, please call us at 415-884-0552.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Perhaps the single most common question I get from people who are using the Lefkoe Belief Process to eliminate beliefs is: “Why do you say that all of our self-esteem beliefs were formed in early interactions with our parents?  I had great parents.  My beliefs about myself weren’t formed until later in life.”

I wrote a post last year explaining why parents are almost always the source of our self-esteem beliefs. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/031610/.  But there are additional reasons why people might think their parents’ behavior has nothing to do with their beliefs that I didn’t cover in that post.

To begin with, the beliefs you form in childhood as a result of interactions with your parents are not always the result of “bad” or abusive behavior.  Negative self-esteem beliefs can be formed just as easily when parents withdraw from their children as when they yell at or punish their children.  And withdrawing is not as obviously “bad” as punishment.

Other parental behavior that causes negative self-esteem beliefs is anything that results in you feeling guilty—because you think you’ve treated your parents badly.  What type of person must you be to treat your parents badly? …  I’m not good enough. I’m bad.  I’m not deserving.

Imagine that you don’t do what your parents want you to do and their response makes you feel guilty, because they do so many wonderful things for you and you won’t do what they want you to do for them.  If you then get yelled at, spanked, or punished, you might well experience your parents’ behavior as appropriate—not as “negative behavior.”

I remember one client who told me early on that his parents were wonderful people who never did anything that could have led to negative beliefs.  Shortly afterwards he mentioned that he was spanked on a regular basis.  When I said that the spanking might well have been the source of several of his beliefs, he protested and replied: “But I was bad.  I deserved to be spanked. My parents didn’t do anything wrong.”

In cultures where parents aren’t around a lot, where fathers have little to do with child rearing, where physical punishment is common, and where comparisons with others and negative criticism are the norm, you might well think that your childhood was “normal,” and could not possibly be the source of negative beliefs.

Although your childhood might have been “typical,” it certainly was not “normal.”

To learn several other reasons why 99% of our self-esteem beliefs are formed in childhood as a result of interactions with our parents, see my earlier blog post if you haven’t already read it.  And if you are a parent, read it again to learn what not to do to keep your children from forming the negative beliefs you probably formed in your childhood.  http://www.mortylefkoe.com/031610/.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about the source of your beliefs. Please write your comments below.

For information about Shelly Lefkoe’s excellent course on parenting, which is based upon her 20 years of experience as a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator, and that helps parents raise children with a minimum of negative limiting beliefs, please go to: http://parentingthelefkoeway.com.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

For most of my life I didn’t want to be me.  I was so unhappy with my life that being almost anyone else would have been preferable to being me.  For many years I wanted to be Fred Astaire, because I loved the joyful, bright sense of life he projected, an experience that I rarely felt.

Today is my birthday and I am 74 years young.  I feel and look at least a decade younger than my chronological age.  And today I am happy to be me and wouldn’t consider being anyone else.

What is the source of this dramatic shift?

Getting rid of all the beliefs and conditionings that led me to be depressed and unhappy most of the time.  And then learning how to stop giving meaning to the daily events in my life.  Today I experience myself as the creator of my life almost all the time and I’ve stopped giving meaning to events most of the time, which has almost totally eliminated stress from my life.  I’ve stopped seeking; I know I’m already there.  I feel anything is possible and that I have no limitations.  I experience virtually all my circumstances as okay just the way they are.

Why am sharing this with you?

Because what I did to reach this state is available to you too.  Anyone (including you, yes, even you!) can experience a sense of wholeness, feeling totally okay with the way you are, and that you are the creator of your life.  It doesn’t have to take a lot of time and it isn’t very expensive.

Please don’t give up your dream of a life of joy and success.  I was about as low as you can get and I’ve now reached a state of total satisfaction with my life.  You can too.  Don’t wait until your 74^th birthday to be truly happy with your life.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about overcoming all your barriers and living a life of true bliss.  Please write your comments below.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Are you bothered by a psychological problem that you aren’t even trying to get rid of because you think it’s “human nature” and can’t be eliminated?  If so, you aren’t alone.

For example, Seth Godin recently published his 13^th book, Poke the Box, that explains most people’s failure to take action by claiming that people have to overcome their natural resistance in order to take action. His Domino Project also published a book by Steve Pressfield, Do the Work, that also emphasized how resistance is the single biggest barrier to creativity and innovation, and it includes tips on how to fight this demon that lurks within each of us.

There are a number of psychological traits that are so common that most people consider them to be inherent in human beings. Don’t all people experience:

• resistance to change?
• fear of making a mistake or failing?
• fear of rejection?
• a concern with the opinion of others?
• anger if you don’t get your way?

It is understandable that few people seek help to deal with these feelings.  So many people have them that they are considered to be part of being human.  In fact, however, they are not inherent in human nature at all.  All these psychological responses are the result of beliefs and conditioning formed early in our lives.  Thus, all can be totally eliminated when the relevant beliefs and conditionings are eliminated.

The beliefs and conditionings that cause these psychological responses

First let me list some of the beliefs and conditionings that cause the psychological responses listed above; then I’ll explain why they are so common as to be considered “human nature.”

• I’m not good enough.
• I’m inadequate.
• I’m not capable.
• I’m not competent.
• Nothing I do is good enough.
• Mistakes and failure are bad.
• If I make a mistake I’ll be rejected.
• What makes me good enough and important is having others think well of me.
• What makes me good enough and important is doing things perfectly.
• I’m powerless.
• I can’t make it on my own.
• The way to be in control is to have things be exactly the way I want them to be.

In addition to these beliefs, many people have been conditioned to feel some level of fear

• whenever they are rejected,
• when they don’t live up to the expectations of others, or
• when they are criticized or judged.

These conditionings also contribute to the common psychological responses listed above.

Imagine someone to have these beliefs and to experience fear whenever these three situations occur.  Doesn’t it seem obvious that they probably would have some if not all of the psychological traits listed above?  Now imagine that tens of millions of people had these beliefs and conditionings.  Wouldn’t it seem reasonable to assume that everyone was just born with them?

The source of these beliefs and conditionings

Now let’s take a look at why these psychological responses (and the beliefs and conditionings that cause them) are so common.

The basic beliefs that underlie these common psychological traits were almost always formed in childhood, in our interactions with our parents.  Here’s how it happens.

As little kids we are always asking “why?”.  Sometimes we ask our parents to explain things to us, and sometimes we ask ourselves, “Why am I being treated like this?  Why is my life like this?”  We answer these questions for ourselves (unconsciously) during the first few years of life.  Because our parents are the people who we spend most of our waking hours with, they are involved in most of the experiences that lead to our fundamental beliefs.

And what are those experiences in most households? Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.  Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.  Etc.

In other words, most parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing.  They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

The question is not, do children frequently “disobey” their parents?  Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and physical abuse, with every possibility in between.

Virtually all of us have lots of negative self beliefs

Parenthetically, it is important to recognize that our behavioral and emotional problems later in life are not our parents’ fault. By that I mean we are not affected by our parents’ behavior after we grow up and leave the house.  They are no longer in our lives in the same way.  What does cause resistance to taking action, fear of rejection, etc.?  The meaning we gave our parents’ behavior, which became our beliefs.

I think there are two primary reasons why the source of self beliefs is always interactions with parents as a young child and not people or events later in life.  First, as children we depend on them for our very survival; on some level we feel that we have to be able to trust them to survive.  Second, as adults, they seem to know how to navigate reality and we know we can’t.  (What do all kids say?  “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to ….”) So they must know what they are doing and their behavior must be “correct.”  If I don’t like how I’m treated, it must be my fault.

The source of specific self beliefs

Here is the common source of a few negative self-esteem beliefs.

• If I trust my parents and they must know what they are doing, and if they are angry with me, it must be my fault.  I’m not good enough.
• If I can’t get them to spend the time with me that I want or if they are physically around but not paying attention to me, it must be my fault.  I’m not important.
• If I can’t get them to give me what I want most of the time, it must be my fault.  I’m not worthy or deserving.
• If my parents make all the decisions that affect my life and I have little say, I feel powerless.  I’m powerless.

Is it clear now that the devastating psychological traits that are considered to be human nature are, in fact, the result of beliefs and conditionings caused by a typical childhood?

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about what is human nature and what can be changed. Please write your comments below.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Just as we in 21^st Century America look back at cultural practices of years gone by with a combination of repulsion and amazement, future generations probably will look back at the prejudice that runs rampant in the world today with similar reactions.

Just as it is almost impossible for us to understand the Roman thinking that feeding people to lions is a spectator sport, in a few years people will try to understand why millions of otherwise sane individuals would consider some people “less than” others because of the color of their skin, their ethnicity, or their sexual preference.

Rather than wait for future generations to try to figure out what made the widespread prejudice possible in the early days of the 21^st century, let me offer one possible explanation while we are living in the middle of it.

All attitudes are the result of beliefs

Because our beliefs are the primary determinant of what we do and feel, and even what we perceive, all prejudice can be traced to beliefs.

People who are convinced that African-Americans, or Muslims, or gays are not as good as them (usually white heterosexual Americans) are expressing their beliefs about those people.   (Actually, many people in those groups have similar feelings about white heterosexual Americans.)

A belief is a statement about reality that we experience as the truth.  It is a fact about reality for the person who holds the belief. So when we hold a belief about something, we are convinced that we know the truth about that something.

But, in fact, no belief describes the truth about reality.  Without exception, all beliefs are nothing more than arbitrary interpretations of actual events in reality. Physical objects and events certainly occur in the world, but the meaning we give the events exists only in our minds, not in the world.

How prejudicial beliefs are formed

A few years ago Leeza Gibbons devoted the entire hour of her daytime talk show to an investigation of the causes and cures for prejudice.  I had been on the show before talking about how beliefs cause most of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, so she asked me to come back to discuss the relationship between beliefs and racial prejudice.

Before the show we went into the audience looking for a volunteer who would acknowledge having prejudice and who also would like to get rid of it if possible.  We found Chad, a young man in his mid-20s, who said that he was “prejudice against any ethnic group, the way they act and the things that they do.”  After getting rid the primary belief that caused that feeling before the show started, he announced during the show to a nationwide audience that the feeling he had when he started, he didn’t have any more.

Let me tell you about the conversation I had with Chad before the Leeza show went on the air.

When we started the conversation he had told me that he felt that members of ethnic minorities, especially African-Americans, couldn’t be trusted.  So I asked him: “What do you believe about these people that would have you not trust them?”

He answered: “Blacks are dangerous.”  (He used the word “Blacks”; I used the word “African-American.” Moreover, there probably were additional beliefs, but this was one the most relevant.)

I replied: “It’s clear that anyone with your belief would feel the way you do.  But you didn’t have that belief when you were a year or so old.  What happened that led you to that conclusion?”

“When I was 10 my dad took us to the gun cabinet and said we had his permission to kill a Black if he stepped on our property.  Areas where Blacks lived were very dangerous—a lot of crime and killing. The news was full of it.  Most of our friends had the same negative attitudes about Blacks.  I heard this constantly at home and at school. I also remember driving my car once and saw a Black man get into an accident that was clearly his fault.”

How prejudicial beliefs can be eliminated

I said to Chad: “Your belief about African-Americans—that they are dangerous—is one explanation for what you saw and heard as a child.  What else could the same events mean?”

Here’s what he answered:

“What my father and others said might have been true of some Blacks, but not all of them.”

“Some Blacks are … (almost anything) just like some whites are … (almost anything).”

“The behavior I heard attributed to Blacks is true of some people from every race, not just Blacks.”

“Because what people say is a function of their beliefs, and do not necessarily reflect the truth, the fact that some parents, families, or friends have negative thoughts about Blacks doesn’t mean that those thoughts are true, only that they believe it.  Had they had different childhoods with people telling them different things, they wouldn’t have the beliefs they do and they would be saying just the opposite.”

It was immediately clear to Chad that his beliefs about African-Americans were only one arbitrary interpretation of what he had heard about African-Americans as a child, and not the truth.

I then asked him: “Didn’t it seem as if you could see African-Americans are dangerous when your father and friends talked about the crime and the killings in African-American neighborhoods?”

“I did see it,” he replied.  “Anyone would have seen it.”

“Okay, if you could see it, tell me what does ‘African-Americans are dangerous’ look like,” I asked.

“Well, it looks people getting robbed or killed in Black neighborhoods.”

“Yes,” I said, “you could see that, or hear people tell you about that.  But that fact could have a lot of different meanings.  You just gave me four of them.  I want to know what ‘African-Americans are dangerous’ looks like.”

After a moment’s reflection he replied, “Now I understand what you mean. I can’t see ‘Blacks are dangerous’.  I now realize I only saw certain people saying things to me.  My beliefs about Blacks are interpretations that exist only in my mind.  I made them up. They have nothing to do with reality.”

It was after this short interaction with me that Chad announced on national TV that his prejudice was gone.

The prejudice that exists today against Muslims, African-Americans, gays, or any other group is based on beliefs that are nothing more than arbitrary meanings we gave to a series of events (9/11, what we read in the newspaper, what we were told by parents, what lots of other people already believe, etc.).  The beliefs are not facts.  They are not the truth.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about having and getting rid of prejudice.  Please write your comments below.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © Morty Lefkoe

One of the most devastating problems people have is so common that nearly everybody views it as “human nature.”  Few people even try to get rid of the problem because they assume everyone has it; it’s part of the “human condition.”

What is this problem?  Worrying about what others think and doing things just to get people’s approval.

How you know if you have the problem

How do you know if you are one of the tens of millions of people who have this problem?

Do you often walk away from people thinking, “Did I say the right thing”; did I offend someone”; “should I have said or asked …”?

Do you frequently hear that “little voice” in your head saying: “What will they think?”?

Do you often feel you need to be a certain way and you can’t just be yourself?

Although these thoughts and behaviors seem to be a much a part of who we are, in fact, however, you can eradicate these thoughts and behaviors forever.

How?  By eliminating the beliefs that cause them.  Although this problem can be caused by different beliefs in different people, there is one specific belief that anyone with this problem almost certainly has: “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me.”

How this belief is formed and why it is so common

Today, I’m going to tell you how this belief is formed, why so many people have it (maybe even you) and how getting rid of this belief will transform your life.

Early in life many of us form negative beliefs about ourselves like “I’m not good enough.”  (Almost every one of the 14,000 clients we’ve had from almost 60 countries around the world has had this belief.) Because most parents expect children to do things that are unrealistic for their age (such as be neat and quiet and come when called at the age of three or four), and because most parents get frustrated, annoyed or angry when their children don’t do what they’re told, most children conclude “there must be something wrong with me” when mom and dad are upset with me so often, or I’m not good enough.

Because our beliefs about ourselves are usually formed during the first six years of life, most of us already have this belief when we leave our homes and go out into the world of teachers, other kids, school, etc.  Obviously a belief like this would make us think as we start school: “How will I get people to like me and how will I make it in the world if I’m not good enough?”

And those thoughts, in turn, would lead to us feeling “not okay” about ourselves and anxious to some extent.

The belief gets formed

And then one day a solution appears.  We do something that our parents (or perhaps a teacher or coach) like and they give us a very positive response.  How does that make us feel?  Happy and very good about ourselves.

The first few times that happens we feel good but don’t make anything of it.  And then after this progression of events occurs a few times we conclude: If I didn’t feel good about myself, and then after getting praise and/or positive attention I do feel good about myself, what that means is: “What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.”

Survival strategy beliefs

This is a very special type of belief.  It is a belief that tells us what needs to happen in order to experience being okay. And when it doesn’t happen we don’t feel very good about ourselves.

Well, if we don’t experience being good enough the way we are and we need something outside ourselves to become good enough, how often would we want that outside something to occur?  All the time! Anytime anyone doesn’t like us, rejects us, or thinks poorly of us, we have lost our “survival strategy,” our method for making us feel good about ourselves.  At that point the underlying belief: “I’m not good enough,” is uncovered and stares us in the face, leaving us feeling not good enough and producing some level of anxiety.

As a result, the need to have others think well of us is experienced like a drug addiction by many people.  When they achieve it they feel good for the moment, but it’s only a matter of time before they need another “fix.” At that point they become obsessed about getting it.

There are other “survival strategy” beliefs, such as What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly; what makes me good enough is being successful/wealthy (can you see now see why some people are obsessed with this?); and what makes me good enough is taking care of others.  And it’s possible to have more than one.  But based on our experience in our private practice, “having people think well of me” is the most common.

It now should be clear why so many people are obsessed about what others think about them: Most people have the belief I’m not good enough (or some variation of it) and “having people think well of me” is the remedy most of us have found to cover up the anxiety that stems from having that belief.

Get rid of the beliefs to get rid of the obsession

If the obsession about having people think well of us is a direct result of having several beliefs, the way to get rid of the obsession is to get rid of these beliefs. You can eliminate “I’m not good enough” using our free interactive web program at http://www.recreateyourlife.com.  You also can buy a program that will enable you to eliminate “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me,” as well as a number of other crippling beliefs.  See our Natural Confidence program at http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

Thanks for reading my blog. Are you worried about what others think?  Do you now understand why?  Can you now understand why this is such a common phenomenon? Please share your experience.

Many of you have written to me saying you understand how to eliminate a belief, but you don’t know how to find the specific beliefs that cause specific problems. You’ve asked when we are going to offer a training class that will teach you how to do that.

The first training class we will offer in a couple of months will teach you how to eliminate beliefs when you already know what they are. The second course to be offered shortly thereafter will teach you how to find the relevant beliefs for different problems.

In the meantime, however, I wanted to support you as best I could by giving you a few tips to tide you over until the course is available. If you follow the instructions given below, you will be able to find at least some of the beliefs that cause specific problems.

Interestingly enough, getting rid of a limiting belief with the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) is a lot easier to do than finding the relevant beliefs in the first place. As you already know, we have created an on-line process and DVDs that eliminate specific beliefs. We still do not know how to automate the process of finding the relevant beliefs.

The trickiest aspect of the LBP is identifying all the relevant beliefs (and conditionings) that cause a given problem.

The number of beliefs can vary

Some patterns like phobias can be eliminated by getting rid of one belief and one conditioning. One client had a fear of small bugs, insects, or rats. It was totally caused by one conditioning: Fear associated with being touched by small insects or animals. When that was de-conditioned, the fear was gone. Another client had a fear of dogs. She had the belief: Dogs are dangerous and the conditioning: fear associated with dogs. When they were gone, the client said she felt comfortable with dogs, unless they were barking. We then discovered and eliminated the belief: barking dogs are dangerous. Then her fear of dogs was totally gone.

Other patterns like depression and eating disorders can have upwards of 30-40 beliefs (in addition to conditionings, senses, and expectations). These patterns can have as many as 15 negative self-esteem-type beliefs, along with negative beliefs about life, such as life is difficult. Emotional eating has several different causes, including both self-esteem and eating beliefs and a unique type of conditioning.

Many patterns share a lot of the same beliefs

If you eliminate all the beliefs that usually cause a lack of confidence (the 19 beliefs and 4 conditionings in our Natural Confidence program), you also will be eliminating all the beliefs that cause several other problems, such as procrastination, social anxiety, fear of rejection, seeking approval, perfectionism, high levels of stress, and the critical “little voice” in our heads. These other problems have fewer beliefs and conditionings (as few as 6 beliefs and 3 conditionings for fear of rejection) and different combinations of them.

So how can you figure out what beliefs cause different problems? The first step is just to figure out logically what beliefs could cause the problem.

For example, if you aren’t able to create a lasting, nurturing romantic relationship, you probably have beliefs about yourself, the opposite sex, and relationships. What do you think they are? … Logical possibilities include: I’m not loveable, women/men can’t be trusted, and relationships don’t work.

If you are afraid to take chances, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … Mistakes and failure are bad. I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is good enough.

And if you’re an approval junkie, what are some of the beliefs you might have? … I’m not good enough. I’m not important. What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.

The best technique for finding beliefs

The best single technique for finding the relevant beliefs is to notice what you are thinking and feeling as the problem occurs. They will be a clue to the underlying beliefs. For example, if the overall problem is social anxiety—not feeling comfortable with people in social situations—then when meeting someone at a party you might notice yourself thinking: I don’t feel comfortable when people are putting their attention on me. And you might be aware of an anxious feeling as if something bad is going to happen. Two beliefs that “go with” those thoughts are: Something bad will happen if people put their attention on me and I’m not good enough. A conditioning that could account for the feeling is: fear associated with people focusing on me.

Ultimately, experience is the best way to find all the beliefs and conditionings that cause any given problem. The more you do it, the easier it will become. (As I mentioned in a recent post, a negative sense of self and life, along with negative expectations, sometimes have to be eliminated before an undesirable behavior or feeling is totally gone.)

My vision

My vision is to have The Lefkoe Method so thoroughly incorporated into the culture that everyone learns the relationship between beliefs and behavior at an early age and also learns how to help others eliminate beliefs and change behavior. I also want parents to know the child-rearing techniques that minimize the number of crippling beliefs their children form.

An experience my wife Shelly had a few years ago symbolizes the way I envision how the world will utilize TLM in the future. She went to the gym and got on the Stairmaster. A couple of minutes later a friend of hers who she hadn’t seen for a few months got on the machine next to her. Shelly asked her friend how she was doing. The friend told Shelly about some relationship difficulties she was having.

What would most women do in a situation like this? … Empathize with their friend’s predicament and give some advice. Shelly empathized but didn’t give any advice. Instead she helped her friend identify three of the most relevant beliefs that were responsible for the relationship difficulty and then helped her friend eliminate them all … in 45 minutes. As a result, the friend had the possibility for a good long-term, nurturing relationship that she didn’t have before talking to Shelly.

Let’s create this world

Can you imagine a world in which it was commonplace for everyone to be able to do that for everyone else? That’s my vision and what my life is dedicated to creating.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate your comments and questions. Please feel free to share my blog posts (see the Twitter and Facebook buttons at the top of this post) with anyone you think might be interested.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

It is possible to permanently eliminate your depression.

The purpose of this post is to assure those of you who are feeling depressed (or who know anyone who is depressed) that it is possible to get rid of it totally. I was depressed for about 30 years, so much so that I thought of suicide frequently.  I haven’t felt anywhere near depressed for over 15 years.  If I can do it, you can too.

Depression is ultimately the result of feeling hopeless and helpless. It is experienced as an overwhelming sense of despair.  Unfortunately, this mental disorder is very prevalent, with estimates that almost one in six Americans will experience depression in their lifetime.  Moreover, many people whose symptoms are not serious enough to be classified as chronically depressed still experience bouts of despair that they are unable to shake for days on end.

There are some people who claim that depression is chemical and that the brain of depressed people is actually different than the brain of normal people.  A study conducted a few years ago did show that MRIs of depressed people were different from the MRIs of “normal” people.  The study went on to describe, however, how  after a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy the brains looked the same.  In other words, it is more likely that the mental state caused the changed brain state than an abnormal brain state produced depression.

Luckily, depression, like most mental problems, is the result of beliefs and conditionings, all of which can be eliminated by the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).

The following is a list of some beliefs that clients with depression have identified and eliminated. Can you see that almost anyone with most of these beliefs would have to feel depressed, at least to some extent?

If someone didn’t have any of these beliefs and, instead, held their opposite—such  as “I control my life, not other people or circumstances” “My life is whatever I make it,” “I am good enough, important, and deserving”—could they possibly feel depressed?

Say each of the following beliefs out loud. If any of them resonate with you, it’s a belief you hold. Even though you may have held it since you were a child, and even if you’ve tried a number of ways to get rid of it, LBP can assist you to eliminate it.

Typical beliefs that underlie depression

• I’m powerless.
• I’m not good enough.
• I’m not deserving.
• I’m inadequate.
• I’m not important.
• I’m worthless.
• I’m not lovable.
• Who I am is not okay.
• I have no value.
• There’s something wrong with me.
• Happiness doesn’t last.
• It’s not safe to be myself.
• Life is hard, painful, a struggle, and stressful.
• Being responsible is a burden.
• I have to be perfect or people won’t accept me.
• I can’t have what I want.
• I don’t matter.

Ruth eliminated her life-long depression

Ruth Bonomo of Westport, CT, who used the LBP to eliminate many beliefs like these, described how she totally ended her life-long depression:

“I used to walk around enclosed in a veil of depression, fear, and self-loathing. I was always at the edge of the pit, ready to jump in and relinquish responsibility for my life and how it was turning out. I was on the verge of abandoning my family when my son became ill. After he spent several days in the hospital I realized I better get myself together; this kid needed and deserved me and I needed to be a responsible parent.

“I found Shelly Lefkoe and the Lefkoe Belief Process.  Immediately I began to shed emotional pounds. It was as if I had been running around on an exercise wheel in a hamster cage my whole life, and now I was free.

“Now I experience my emotions very differently. I’m not at the effect of them; I just have them. I get to feel all my emotions without having to worry about the pit. The most remarkable thing I’ve gained from eliminating beliefs with the Lefkoe Belief Process is self-love and acceptance. Now that I love myself, I am much less judgmental of others. I no longer worry about who I am and what people think of me. Everything is easier to deal with. The problems of life are still there, but I experience them without the drama and feeling that the world is coming to an end.”

When people are feeling depressed it feels like there is no way out and never will be.  It feels like there is not much point in doing anything because nothing will make any difference.  There isn’t even motivation to try to get better because it feels like nothing will help, like you will be stuck like this forever.

Psychotherapists have used The Lefkoe Method successfully

Margaret Carter, M.A., Family Therapist, said the following about using The Lefkoe Method to treat depression:

“I have used The Lefkoe Method numerous times in my practice for depression. In one such case the client had life-long depression and had made several prior attempts at counseling, to no avail.

“The client’s behaviors were self-destructive and self-limiting, and self-esteem was very low.

“After using The Lefkoe Method the client reported increased self-esteem, peace of mind, relief—for the first time in life—from depression, and expanded maturation and hope.

“The Lefkoe Method can be life transforming. It also meets our great need for an effective, brief therapy.”

Please forward this post to anyone you know who suffers from depression.  Let them know that they don’t need to suffer any longer.

I’d love to hear from you with your thoughts about having and getting rid of depression.  Please write your comments below.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Usually in my weekly posts I present some information that I think will be useful to you, something I’ve learned that I want to pass on to you.  This week I want to reverse that process: I’d like your collective wisdom to educate me and everyone else who reads my blog.

The topic is moods.

This mental state first became an issue in my occurring courses where the participants and I were trying to identify all the factors that seemed to influence how reality “occurred” for us, in other words, what determined the meaning we gave events as we experienced them, moment by moment?

We realized that probably the major source of our occurrings was our beliefs and conditionings.  Other relevant sources included our physical condition and our “moods.”  But when we tried to state specifically what we meant by a mood and where our moods came from, we were stumped.

After a lot of thinking and a bunch of research, I came up with a few ideas, which I’d like to share with you in this post.  But instead of ending with my conclusion, I’m going to end with a request that you take a look at what I’ve presented and then tell me and my readers what you think, and let’s see if our collective thinking can figure out what moods really are, where they come from, and how to change them if they are negative.

What do the experts say?

I checked to see what Wikipedia had to say. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mood_(psychology)

“A mood is a relatively long lasting emotional state.  Moods differ from emotions in that they are less specific, less intense, and less likely to be triggered by a particular stimulus or event.

“Moods generally have either a positive or negative valence. In other words, people typically speak of being in a good mood or a bad mood. Unlike acute, emotional feelings like fear and surprise, moods often last for hours or days.

“Mood also differs from temperament or personality traits which are even longer lasting. Nevertheless, personality traits such as optimism and neuroticism predispose certain types of moods. Long term disturbances of mood such as depression and bipolar disorder are considered mood disorders. Mood is an internal, subjective state, but it often can be inferred from posture and other behaviors.”

Some of my thinking

Moods seem to be like emotions in some respects and different in other respects.  They both can be positive or negative. Moods tend to last longer than emotions.  Usually emotions are set off by a specific stimulus (in the case of stimulus conditionings) or by the meaning we give specific events at the time (in other words, our occurrings).  I’m not sure what creates our moods.

A mood colors one’s perception and behavior.  It is like a filter through which one views reality. Therefore it can affect the meaning you give to an event, which determines how events occur to us.  Although our occurring can influence the mood we are in, it seems more common that moods affect our occurrings.

I said earlier that our physical condition, such as being in pain or being tired, can affect our occurring.  It also can affect our mood.

In an earlier blog post on emotions I wrote: “Sadness, unhappiness, grief and sorrow are emotions that result from feeling powerless in the face of not having (or not being able to have) what we want, or losing what we had.”  (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/why-negative-emotions/) Now that I think about it, these four emotions have many of the characteristics of moods.

Could moods be affected by the same principles that determine emotions? (In that earlier post I explained the source of our negative emotions.)

It is possible that moods have a stimulus just like emotions, but it is usually easier to identify the stimulus for an emotion because we are aware of the emotion starting and thus can usually see what precedes it.  A mood is more diffuse and we can be in a good or bad mood for a while before we are aware of it, so if there is a specific stimulus it might be more difficult to identify it.

Emotions can be quickly and easily eliminated using either the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (if the emotions are caused by stimulus conditioning) or the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process (if they are caused by our occurrings, in other words, the meaning we give to current events).  I’m not sure how to get out of moods.

People’s moods are confusing

When I try to apply all that I know about moods to a specific situation, I realize how little I really understand about this topic.  For example, when I think about my two daughters when they were teens, I remember that they usually were in very “good” or “bad” moods.  When they were in a “bad” mood they would get angry very easily over the slightest thing, would yell at me and others seemingly without provocation, and would give negative meanings to almost everything.  On the other hand, when they were in a “good” mood, the opposite would happen.  They would be very loving and would put a positive spin on almost everything that happened.

Is a mood the way our life is occurring to us at the moment? And will a mood, like inertia, keep going once it gets started until something stops it? If a mood is the result of our beliefs then why can the same person with the same beliefs, such as my daughters, be in a very good mood and a very bad mood in the space of a single day?  What would determine which mood she is in as she has the same beliefs in both cases?  Could it be her occurrings that are determining the mood as opposed to vice versa?

What do you think?

I’ve given you some of my random thoughts and a little of the research I’ve done. Now tell me what you think.  Here’s what I’d like you to address:

1.  What is a mood?

2.  What determines our moods?  What is the source of moods?

3.  Once we have a mood, what can we do to dissolve it intentionally or change it from negative to positive?

Please write your thoughts on any one or all of these three questions.  And then come back to this blog in a few days to read what others have written, which might stimulate you to write more.

Maybe as a group we can come up with some good answers to these three questions.  I can’t wait to read what you have to say.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

A friend of mine who has been a teacher in, and a student of, the personal growth business for over 25 years called me the other day for help.

He seemed to be sabotaging himself in a project that he thought could make a profound difference in people’s lives.  The problem seemed to be that in order to move it forward he might have to hire some people and actually start a business.  In other words, he’d have to “become a businessman.”  He didn’t want to do that—and that led us to the root of the problem.

He discovered a bunch of negative beliefs he had about running a business and making money—as distinct from contributing to people and making a difference in their lives, which is all he’s wanted to do for most of his life.  (He had run several businesses earlier in his life and, while successful, his experience had been deeply unsatisfying.)

As I named some beliefs that could account for his self-sabotage, he said: “I’ve been working on these beliefs for over 25 years.  But something is still there.  It’s like the beliefs are ropes that started with over a hundred strands and are now down to the last one or two.  The beliefs you just mentioned still seem a little bit true.”

I realized at that moment one of the crucial differences between The Lefkoe Method (TLM) and most other personal growth disciplines (including most psychotherapies) is that the latter frequently attempt to improve your situation while TLM is committed to totally eliminating your problem, by getting rid of all the beliefs and conditionings that cause a problem.

For example, we ask clients with a fear of public speaking to rate their fear on a scale from 1-10, one being no fear at all and 10 being terror.  People who rate their fear from 8-10 often say they would be happy to reduce their fear to below a 5 level.  Nonetheless, we offer a money-back guarantee that the fear will be eliminated, in other words, reduced to no more than a “2,” which is barely noticeable and that has no adverse impact on them at all.

So if you work on a problem long enough using other disciplines, you probably can reduce its impact on you.  But the problem is unlikely to disappear completely until you eliminate the real source of the problem: all the relevant beliefs and conditionings.

In last week’s post I explained how beliefs are formed and what it takes to eliminate them totally, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/eliminate-beliefs-good/.  Anything less than that and some sense that the belief still is true (a few strands of the rope) probably will remain.

At best, if you try to get rid of the relevant beliefs by trying to convince yourself that the beliefs are illogical and self-defeating, you will not succeed if you still think you “saw” them in the world and you still think that repeatedly feeling your beliefs means they must be true.

At worst, if you try to get rid of a problem without even attempting to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that are the primary cause of the problem, the problem might be reduced somewhat, but it’s unlikely to disappear.

In either case, the last “couple of stands” will continue to affect you in major or subtle ways.

I don’t know that TLM is the only technique that completely and permanently eliminates the beliefs that cause the problems that undercut your happiness and success in life.  But if you are looking for a solution to your problems, make sure you find one that promises to permanently and completely eliminate it, not merely one that claims to reduce it.

Please let me know with a comment below what your experience has been in minimizing problems versus eliminating them.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Most of the techniques that proclaim to permanently eliminate long-held beliefs don’t work.  Why?  And what do the successful techniques do that make them successful?

In order to understand precisely what it takes to get rid of beliefs, you need to understand how we form beliefs.

Because our survival as human beings is always at stake (even though our spiritual being is eternal), we have a built in survival mechanism that has us constantly asking about everything we encounter: Good for me or bad for me?  Conducive to my survival or inimical to my survival?  In other words, we are constantly appraising everything we come in contact with and asking (unconsciously): What does this mean?

As children we want to know why mom and dad (on whom our lives depend) are angry with us, or why they aren’t around when we want them, or why we can never seem to please them.  For most kids between the ages of two and six, the answers to these three questions usually are: Mistakes and failure are bad.  I’m not important.  I’m not good enough.

Here’s how the beliefs are formed

After asking ourselves: What do these events mean?—we then “make up” one possible meaning.  And then we “attribute” that meaning to the events, after which it seems as if the meaning is inherent in the events.  In other words, it then seems to us as if we discovered the meaning in the events.

Because the overwhelming majority of people are “visual”—in other words, they know reality based on what they can “see”—they know their beliefs are true because they think they can see them in the world.  Once you think you can see something, logic will never talk you out of what you think you have seen “out there.”

Let’s apply what I’ve just explained about how beliefs are formed to the most common belief people have, I’m not good enough.  Mom and dad want quiet.  Young kids are rarely quiet.  Mom and dad want the house to be neat.  Kids are rarely neat.  Mom and dad want to serve dinner when it’s ready and leave the house when they are ready to leave the house.  Kids are busy playing and doing what they want to do; mealtime and leaving the house are not always a priority for them.  As a result, many times each day children do not live up to their parents’ expectations.

At best parents respond with annoyance and frustration, expressed in facial expressions, a tone of voice, and comments like: “What’s wrong with you?”  “How many times do I have to tell you?”  “Don’t you ever listen?”  (At worst, parents use physical abuse and other punishments.)

When a child asks herself, what does it mean that she is not doing what her parents want repeatedly and what do her parents’ responses mean, the answer 99% of all children give is: I’m not good enough. (My associates and I have talked to well over 13,000 clients who have told us this.)

If she actually were not good enough, her parents’ responses to her behavior would make sense.  In other words, this belief is a reasonable interpretation of mom and dad’s response to her when she is a very young child.

Here is the important part: Once she gives this meaning to the events, it seems to her as if her meaning (her belief) is inherent in the events—as if when she looks at the events she is discovering the meaning “out there” in the world.  Once that happens, her belief about the way the world is becomes an entrenched “fact.”

Most of the techniques designed to get rid of beliefs never deal with how the belief got formed and what a belief actually is:  A statement about reality that it seems you saw in reality.  And because you think you saw your beliefs, you will hold on to them—despite understanding logically that the belief isn’t true and despite understanding that it is self-defeating to continue to hold on to the belief.  It is virtually impossible to not believe something you think you “saw.”

How to get rid of the belief

So how can you eliminate the belief quickly, easily, and permanently?  Here are the simple steps.

Take a look at a given belief and realize it is one “valid” interpretation of your experiences.  And then realize that there are other possible interpretations that hadn’t occurred to you at the time you formed the belief, but, nevertheless, could just as easily account for the events.  At which point you realize your belief is “a truth” and not “the truth.”

Then the crucial part comes: Put yourself back into the events that led to the belief and, as you look at them, ask yourself: Doesn’t it seem as if I can “see” [the belief]?  The answer for visual people will always be: “Yes.  And you would have seen it too if you had been there.”

Then ask yourself: Did I really “see” it?  Because if you really saw it, you would be able to describe it: color, shape, location, etc.  When you realize that you can’t describe it, you immediately realize that, in fact, you never really “saw” the belief.  You only saw events, but the meaning of the events—in other works, the beliefs you formed about the events—existed only in your mind.

At this point, for most visual people, the belief is gone.  It existed and resisted being extinguished because you thought you had seen it.  As soon as you realize you never saw it, that it existed only in your mind, it is no longer something you thought you discovered and saw in the world; it is only one interpretation of many possible interpretations that has existed only in your mind.

As the final clincher, ask yourself if the events that led to the formation of the belief have any inherent meaning.  Did they have any meaning before you give them a meaning?  By that I mean, can you draw any conclusion for sure from these events?  You will quickly realize that the events that led to your belief have many different possible meanings; there is no one meaning that is inherently true.  So, while the events might have had consequences at the time they happened, they have no inherent meaning.  Any meaning exists only in your mind, not in the world.

At that point, for predominantly visual people, the belief is permanently gone.

Emotionally kinesthetic people are slightly different

The scenario is slightly different for those people who are not visual, who are primarily emotionally kinesthetic.  If you are one of these people, you don’t know reality primarily based on what you see, but based on what you feel. If you feel something a lot, it must be true.  Why would you be having a feeling over and over if there weren’t something in the world causing it?

These people—when asked: Didn’t it seem as if you saw [your belief]?—answer: “I don’t know what you mean by seeing it; I felt it.”

Here’s how to get rid of a belief if this describes how you function.  Ask yourself if the events that caused the belief made you feel [the words of the belief].  The answer will be, yes

Then remind yourself that you had said earlier that the events had no inherent meaning and ask yourself: Is it possible for events that have no inherent meaning to make you feel anything?  The answer, of course, is no.  So if the events that seemed to have caused the feeling didn’t cause the feeling, what did?

The answer is simple: the meaning you had previously given the events.  In other words, the feeling is the result of the belief you had formed.  If you had given the events a different meaning, that different meaning would have produced a different feeling. The way to prove this is to imagine the earlier events, observing them as a participant, and then giving the events one of the alternative interpretations you had given the events earlier in the process.

When you do that the “feeling of the belief” is gone.

It becomes clear that having the feeling of the belief repeatedly tells you nothing about the validity of the feeling, because the feeling was not caused by events in the world.  It was caused totally by you, by the meaning you already had given the events.

When you say the words of the belief at that point, they will sound meaningless and silly.  The belief will be gone.

To summarize: Beliefs are statements about reality that we feel are the truth, that are facts about the world.  We are convinced our beliefs are true because we think we saw them in the world and because we felt them so often that they must be true (or else why would we have felt them so often?).  Once we realize we never saw the beliefs in the world, that they were only in our mind, and that the feelings we had repeatedly were only because of meanings we gave meaningless events—the beliefs will be gone forever.

Getting rid of beliefs quickly, easily, and permanently is actually very easy when you understand how beliefs are formed and what it takes to eliminate a belief.  And now you understand that.

We are in the process of creating an on-line training where you can become proficient in each of the steps of the Lefkoe Belief Process for eliminating beliefs.  If you are interested in receiving advance notification, please let me know.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

Copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

I have a question to ask you but before I ask, I’d like to give you some background.

First, you, along with tens of thousands of others who have used The Lefkoe Method, have sent me many hundreds of testimonials about the incredible results you’ve gotten from eliminating one of the common beliefs on the free program, from one of our DVD or streaming video programs, or from one-on-one sessions.  Thanks for taking the time to do that.  We at Lefkoe Institute are inspired each day by your messages.

But some of the most profound testimonials we’ve received have come from people who’ve taken one of the four courses we’ve offered on how to dissolve your occurrings.  If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ve read one of my posts about how the single most powerful thing you can do to improve the quality of your life is to learn how to dissolve your occurrings. If you don’t know much about it, check out this short (12 minute) video that will explain it in detail. http://occurringcourse.com/occurring-works/

Essentially, you and I give meaning to events as they happen (which is how they “occur” for us) and don’t realize that there is a difference between the actual events and the occurring.  For example, our spouse asks us: Did you do so-and-so for me?  That is the actual event, in other words, what actually happened.  For many of us, however, it would occur as either: He/she doesn’t trust me to do what he/she has asked.  Or, why won’t he/she get off my back and leave me alone!  Or, why should I do it; why doesn’t he/she do it him/herself?  Etc.

And because we don’t distinguish between reality and our occurrings, we assume that our occurrings are reality and we respond as if they are.

I’ve learned so much during the past four courses about why we have occurrings, how to distinguish between them and reality, four different techniques to dissolve them quickly and easily, why it is more difficult to dissolve them when you have strong emotions, how to be able to do that when in the grip of strong emotions, why the testimonials from people in the occurring courses seem to be more profound than people who’ve only eliminated beliefs, etc.

Please tell me what you would like to know about occurring? I’ll either write a blog post or make a short video that answers the most commonly asked questions.

P.S.  Thanks to the 80+ people who commented on my last blog post.  Thanks for taking the time to provide a thoughtful response and for your suggestions.  We are looking into how to implement some of the most popular recommendations.  We will definitely offer a training in the next few months to teach you how to eliminate a belief once you’ve identified it.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

I’ve always been the youngest person doing whatever I was doing.  I was just 16 when I graduated high school.  I was working on Wall Street as a securities analyst at 22.  I was an Assistant Vice President of a financial firm listed on the New York Stock Exchange at the age of 24.  And I already had articles published in Fortune and was an editorial writer for the Wall Street Journal by 26.

Then one day I woke up and discovered I was 73.  Instead of being the youngest person doing what I was doing, I was suddenly one of the oldest.  There is only one person older than me in the Transformational Leadership Council, a group of transformational leaders who meet twice a year.  And I am the oldest among all my friends.

Where did the time go?

What I’ve accomplished

I am proud and grateful for all that I have accomplished in my lifetime, especially my incredible 30-year marriage to my wife Shelly and the two girls we raised together to be independent spirits, each of whom is proud of who she is.  And I am really proud of creating The Lefkoe Method (TLM), which has helped almost 100,000 people eliminate at least one limiting belief, enabling them to enjoy life more and experience themselves as the creator of their lives.

I cherish the relationship I have with those of you who have written me and I am inspired by all the changes you have created in your lives.  On days when I don’t feel like going to work, all I need to do is read a note from one of you telling me how TLM helped you shed some “baggage” and enjoy your life more and I can’t wait to get back to work.

But now at 73 a question is popping up almost daily: Now what?  What should I do with the rest of my life?  I have been thinking about that question for the past six months or so and I still don’t have a good answer.

For over 26 years my vision was very clear: To significantly improve the quality of life in the world by having people recreate their lives and live as the unlimited possibilities they are.

My vision made me important

For a while I “needed” to do that.  Right after I developed the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) having that as my vision is what made me an important person, a person better than other people.  “Look what I’m doing with my life!” But as I eliminated a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs and realized I was okay the way I was and that I didn’t need to do anything to be okay; my vision became a choice—a game I decided to play —rather than a survival strategy, something I needed to do to prove I was worthwhile.

But in the past year or so I have started to realize I no longer have “forever” to do what I want to do and I’ve started asking myself: What is the best way to spend the rest of my life?  What is the greatest contribution I can make in the time I have left?

Let me tell you some of my thoughts and then I would like to hear from you.  What do you think?  What could I do that would make the biggest difference in your life?

Projects worth undertaking

Here are a few projects that seem to be worth completing:

1.  For people who are visual, who know reality because they can “see” it, the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) works about 98% of the time.  For people who are emotionally kinesthetic, who never “saw” their belief in the world but who ”felt” it, beliefs sometimes come back once or even twice.  The effectiveness rate with such people is over 90%.  I want to figure out how to make the LBP more effective for emotionally kinesthetic people.

2.  The Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) seems to make more of a difference in people’s lives than anything I’ve done in 26 years.  It gives people the ability to create their experience of life moment by moment.  The many testimonials we’ve received from people who have taken the Lefkoe Occurring Courses go beyond anything we have received in 26 years—and we’ve had thousands of people tell us the TLM has provided relief that nothing else they had ever done had provided.  The problem is it takes me ten weeks of my time working personally with only 20 people to produce the incredible value the LOP provides.  For people who can afford it, it is the single best thing they can do to make a profound difference in their lives.  For people who can’t afford it, it’s useless.  Right now the only way I am able to produce the results this course provides is to personally coach each of the 20 people each week.  My goal is to find a way to put this course into a DVD product that I can sell for a price anyone can afford.

3.  We just completed a two-year research study conducted by a major university that proved that our Natural Confidence DVD product significantly reduces stress, which means it can help anyone with an illness that is at least partially caused by  stress—which is most of them.  The study will be published soon in a peer-reviewed psychological journal.  In order for psychologists and governmental officials to take TLM seriously, we need a lot more research that validates our experience with almost 100,00 people over the past 26 years.  I am convinced we could help returning soldiers with PTSD, relieve depression, stop most anxiety, and free people from almost all the day-to-day problems that affect most people on earth. We need to prove that with independent scientific studies.

4.  Most of all, I want to reach far more than the 100,000 or so people we’ve helped so far.  I am truly grateful that my associates and I have been able to help each and every one of these people.  But there are hundreds of millions of people throughout the world who lack confidence, who constantly worry about what others think of them, who procrastinate, whose relationships are characterized by constant bickering and dissatisfaction, who fear rejection, and whose beliefs and conditionings sabotage their ability to have sufficient income and wealth so that money is no longer an issue in their lives.  I’m not satisfied with reaching only about a hundred additional people every day.  I no longer have 30 or 40 years to play this game.  I need to find a way to break out of the box and reach hundreds of thousands in the next year or so and then grow geometrically from there.

If you are on my mailing list, you’ve probably eliminated at least one belief and have personally experienced the power of my work.  If you’ve purchased one of our products like Natural Confidence or worked with one of our Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitators in phone or Skype sessions, you’ve seen a lifelong problem disappear in a matter of hours and never return.  So you have a good sense of the impact my work can have in the world.

I guess the bottom-line question I’m trying to answer is: What legacy do I want to leave the world?

What do you think I should be focusing on?  Where should I be devoting the bulk of my time for the next few years?  What could I do that would make the biggest difference to YOU?  And do you have any suggestions on how I can make TLM available to millions of people?

Please post your answer below.  I might not be able to respond to every post, but I do promise to read and seriously consider each one of them.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Are you one of the millions of people who have been unable to find a loving, fulfilling, and exciting relationship?

I am convinced that everyone can have the relationship of his dreams if he got rid of the beliefs that get in the way. I speak from experience because I had two marriages that failed because of my limiting self-esteem and relationship beliefs.  After eliminating them I found and married Shelly, to whom I will be married 30 years in just a few months.   People who know us are inspired by the incredible relationship we have.

People can have several different types of relationship problems.  Either they can’t find one (and they hate the dating game), or they had one and it failed (leading to a lot of emotional pain and upset), or they are still in one that just doesn’t work or isn’t nurturing (leading to constant unhappiness, frustration, and anger).

There is a fourth possibility that is even worse: being in a relationship that doesn’t really work and assuming that this is the best a relationship can possibly be. That leads to constant dissatisfaction, but no hope for improvement because people in this situation don’t think anything better is possible.

We’ve been asked many times to create a package of beliefs and conditionings that would help people in each one of these situations.  Unfortunately, because each relationship is so different, the beliefs and conditionings involved also can be different, so a generic DVD program for the “average” person is impossible (at least at the moment, because nothing is ever really impossible in the long run).

I can, however, describe the type of beliefs and conditionings involved in different types of relationship problems.  To begin with, negative self-esteem beliefs are usually involved in all of them, apart from the specific beliefs and conditionings related to specific problems.  So beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m powerless, I’m not deserving, etc. are a partial cause of almost any relationship problem.

Here are some of the beliefs that our clients, who have had a wide variety of relationship problems, have shared with us.

If you are having a hard time forming a relationship, you probably believe: Relationships are difficult.  This can exist in various forms, such as Relationships don’t work, relationships require a lot of effort, etc.  You probably believe men/women can’t be trusted. Other common beliefs are: There are no good men/women left out there.  Marriage is suffocating.  I’ll lose myself in a relationship. Men are jerks/selfish/dangerous/ have all the power/cheat. One self-esteem belief that is very applicable to relationship problems is I’m unlovable.  All of the beliefs that cause a lack of confidence (see the list in the Natural Confidence program [http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence]) could be relevant in this situation.  And there is at least one conditioning applicable to this situation: fear associated with rejection.

If you’re just left a failed relationship, you are likely to have concluded a bunch of negative beliefs about yourself and your former partner (which you probably hold as applicable to an entire gender) based on the specific problems you had in the relationship. You also ought to check out the beliefs involved in feeling like a victim, which include: Life is difficult, I’ll never get what I want, Things never work out for me, People can’t be trusted, and I can’t count on others.

If you are in a relationship that doesn’t work but you stay in it, you probably have many of the beliefs already mentioned, in addition to: This is all I deserve.  I’ll never find anything better.  I can’t make it on my own.  I need a man/woman in order to survive. One very common problem in non-nurturing relationships is a fear of conflict and anger.  This is usually caused by Anger is dangerous and Conflict is dangerous, along with two conditionings: Fear associated with anger and fear associated with conflict.  The fear of anger and conflict keep people from standing up for themselves and saying what they want and need.  And when their partner expresses anger it leads to withdrawal instead of a conversation to resolve the issue. (That was a major problem of mine for most of my life.)

In my recent post about not knowing what you don’t know (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/dont-dont/), I pointed out that often we don’t strive for something better in various areas of our life because we don’t think there is anything better.  This is certainly true of relationships.  Despite the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce, there are so many unhappy couples that stay together because the partners aren’t aware that something better is even possible.  Such people can have any of the beliefs already mentioned, in addition to beliefs that blind them to the possibility that a better relationship is possible.

Please share your thoughts about what makes relationships work and not work with me and your fellow readers.  And if you’ve identified any specific beliefs I didn’t mention that underlie any type of relationship problem, please share them also.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Are you one of the people who figured out how to use the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) after eliminating a few beliefs on http://recreateyourlife.com/free where we offer three beliefs for free?  Many people are able to eliminate beliefs by themselves after going through the LBP a few times, whereas others are unable to do it themselves if they’ve never received training even after eliminating 20-30 beliefs.

Once you’ve figured out what belief you want to eliminate, going through the steps of the LBP can be relatively easy for some people.  The steps are the same in most cases, although the source and alternative interpretations are different for survival strategy beliefs.  So if you are able to find the source of your beliefs and come up with valid alternative interpretations (which can be different for different beliefs), you might be able to get rid of many beliefs on your own.

The biggest problem in using the LBP is figuring out which beliefs are the source of different problems. (And, of course, many problems also are caused by conditioning, which can require you to use several other processes that are part of The Lefkoe Method [TLM] in order to eliminate those problems totally.)

This ability to quickly learn how to get rid of the beliefs that cause many of your day-to-day problems is a significant distinction between the LBP and almost every form of psychotherapy.

You Can’t Conduct Psychotherapy On Yourself

It is virtually impossible to conduct a psychotherapy session on yourself, regardless of which type of psychotherapy you choose to use.  And instead of a weekend training to learn how to use the LBP with others, you need several years of school and many hours of practice and observation before you can be effective as a psychotherapist.

It is because the steps of the LBP are relatively simple once you know the belief you want to eliminate that we have been able to put that Process on DVDs and streaming video.  And because certain problems usually have the same beliefs and conditionings, we have been able to create DVDs and streaming video programs to get rid of entire problems in addition to eliminating an assortment of random beliefs.

Using TLM successfully probably requires less communication skills than most forms of psychotherapy. A Lefkoe Method facilitator must be able to administer TLM effectively and that usually does take some training, skill, and practice, but if the processes are presented correctly, they will work regardless of the rapport the facilitator has established with the client.  That is one reason why the various processes in TLM can be effective in a DVD or interactive web program.

On the other hand, most forms of psychotherapy require a high degree of trust, relationship, rapport, etc. between the therapist and the client, and often the better the rapport, the more effective the session. In TLM the process is more important than the facilitator, whereas in most other therapies the opposite is true.

This is not to say that no rapport or trust is required for Lefkoe Method faciliators, because if they are totally absent, people may not feel comfortable working with the facilitator.  Also, a LM facilitator with a high degree of training and insight is likely to figure out the source of a given problem that another facilitator might not even recognize. Finally, a client is more likely to be totally open with a facilitator she trusts, which can make a difference in the outcome of a session.

Everyone Helps Everyone Else

My vision is for millions of people to learn how to use the LBP and the other processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method early in life so they can use them on themselves and to help others.  My vision was illustrated a few years ago when my wife Shelly was on a Stairmaster at the gym.  A friend of hers who she hadn’t seen in a while climbed on an adjoining Stairmaster.  When Shelly’s friend started talking about some relationship difficulties she had been having, instead of commiserating or giving advice, Shelly helped her friend find a few beliefs that might be causing the difficulties and then helped her eliminate those beliefs … while exercising. That is my vision for the world: to have everyone able to help everyone eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that are the source of most of the problems we face in life.

In recent months we have had many inquiries about future courses that train people to use the Lefkoe Belief Process and other Lefkoe Method Processes, either on oneself or to help others.  In the past all our trainings were held in the San Francisco Bay Area.  We’ve taught people how to eliminate beliefs in one three-day weekend.  Another three-day weekend was required to learn how to find the right beliefs that were responsible for any problem.  And a third three-day weekend taught people how to use the various conditioning processes.  Interspersed between the three training sessions were eight hours of coaching students by listening to recordings of their sessions and giving them feedback.

We are investigating the possibility of creating an on-line training to substitute for the first weekend where students learn how to use the LBP effectively after a belief has been identified.

If we don’t find a way to offer it on-line and we have to offer a live training in the San Francisco Bay Area, please let us know if you would be interested in attending.  Alternatively, if  we do offer an on-line training would you be interested in participating?

Depending on the level of interest in each type of training we will make a decision shortly about further training sessions.

Please tell us about your interest in being trained and how you think you will use your training (on yourself or to help others).  Let us know if you are willing to travel here for training or if you are only interested in on-line training.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

There are things you don’t know that you don’t know.  And that fact, perhaps more than any other single thing, is keeping you from having the best life you could possibly have. If that sounds a bit confusing, please let me explain.

When people know they don’t know something and they want to know about that something, they learn about it.  So if you know that your relationships could be better, that it is possible stop worrying about the opinions of others, and that it is possible to eliminate the beliefs that keep you from being more successful in life … and you want to make improvements in these areas, you try to learn what to do.  You can search on Google to find out where to get help.  You can ask friends what they did.  You can read books and take courses.  Etc.

But what if you think that relationships can’t get any better than what you already have … even if yours is not very good?  What if you think that everyone is worried about what others think of them and that it’s human nature to need to be liked and accepted by others?  And what if you think that beliefs can’t be eliminated permanently or that you will never be successful, not matter how hard you try?  Such people are not looking for a solution because they don’t think one exists.  Actually it’s worse than that: far too many people don’t even realize that there is anything wrong.

In other words, if you don’t know that there is something better in life and that you can achieve it, then you will not even search for it.

That so many people don’t know that their lives can be significantly better has created a “problem” for the Lefkoe Institute.  We offer people something profoundly valuable that most of them aren’t even looking for: the ability to permanently eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause most of the difficulties in their lives, thereby permanently improving their lives.

Hardly anyone searches for someone to help them permanently eliminate beliefs because most people think that is impossible.  No one searches for someone to help them de-condition stimuli that cause negative feelings (such as anxiety and anger) because hardly anyone knows that such feelings are largely the result of conditioning and that de-conditioning will get rid of the emotions.

The best example of people not searching for what they don’t know is possible is the experience people have when they do the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process.  That Process enables people to make a distinction between themselves as the “creator” and as a “creation.”  They get that they are not their beliefs, nor are they the behavior and feelings that come from those beliefs.  People who use WAIR? experience that who they really are is the creator of those beliefs, or, putting it more accurately, who they (actually, who all of us) really are is non-dual consciousness.  As a result they have the profound sense that they are not their lives, they are the creator of their lives, and, as such, there is nothing missing, anything is possible, and they have no limitations.  Very few people ever search Google for how to get that experience.

Unfortunately, people don’t search for the most profound experiences in life because they don’t know they exist.  Moreover, for many of those who do realize that such experiences can possibly exist, there is a sense that they will never find a way to have them.

So here is my message to you this week:  Profound, fundamental change is possible.  It is possible to live a joyous, exciting, fulfilling life.  It is possible to dissolve negative feelings in an instant by dissolving the meaning you have given the events in your life. It is possible to permanently eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause most of the problems in your life.  It is possible to experience yourself as the creator of your life, with nothing missing and anything being possible.

There may be beliefs and conditionings in the way, you may feel unhappy due to the meaning you give to daily events (your occurrings), eating may be your conditioned response to a number of triggers, you may not have what you want in certain aspects of your life, you may experience anxiety much of the time, and you may have any one of a number of common, everyday problems (such as procrastination, lack of confidence, and constant stress) … and it is possible to overcome all of these and live a really great life.

I know, because my life was a total mess for over 50 years and now it is bliss almost all of the time.  And I am not the only one who has achieved this state.  Please don’t ever give up the possibility that your life can be all you’ve ever dreamed it could be—and, even more importantly, much more than those dreams. It can be.

What do you think of the idea that there are things we don’t know that we don’t know?  That we don’t try to improve things we think are normal.  And that we don’t look for solutions when we think none exist?  Please share your thoughts with other readers below.

If you know anyone who isn’t searching for what we offer but who would benefit from it nonetheless, tell them about us and send them to http://recreteyourlife.com/free where they can let go of a negative belief they have thought was true about them since childhood and distinguish themselves as the creator of their lives.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Very often in the middle of a session with a client I have a realization and then think: I’ll bet my readers would find this interesting. So, here’s what happened during a session last week.

A client was trying to eliminate the belief, The way to survive is to be numb. He told me that the source of his belief was the fact that when he was a kid his mom spanked him if he exhibited strong positive or negative feelings. In other words, if he was too exuberant or if he cried or if he got angry, he got spanked. So he concluded early on that the way to survive is to quiet himself down inside and not allow himself to feel or express any strong emotion.

But after finding the source of the belief he suddenly got stuck. This client had had no difficulty in eliminating other beliefs earlier in the session, but all of a sudden he seemed to be having real problems eliminating this one.

At some point the client said: “If I let go of this belief then I’ll have to experience my emotions, and that is too scary.”

In other words, this client had beliefs and conditionings that had him be afraid of strong emotions, especially anger. Such beliefs and conditionings included: Anger is dangerous. Experiencing my feelings is dangerous. Fear associated with experiencing my feelings.

His “survival strategy” to deal with this fear was to go numb, after which he concluded, The way to survive is to be numb. By going numb (unconscious), he didn’t have to feel strong emotions, which he felt were so threatening (because every time he expressed strong emotions as a child it felt as if his mother was withdrawing her love).

What he started to feel in the middle of eliminating this belief was, if I let go of this belief, I will start to feel strong emotions and that is dangerous.

My mistake

First of all, I had made a mistake in not having him eliminate all the beliefs and conditionings that caused the fear of strong feelings before helping him to eliminate this survival strategy belief. He had eliminated a few of them, but we should have eliminated all of them. Generally you should eliminate all the beliefs underlying a survival strategy belief before attempting to eliminate the survival strategy belief. If we had done that, he would no longer have been afraid of strong emotions and he wouldn’t have been afraid to let go of this belief.

Eliminating beliefs provides choice, not required behavior

But apart from this error on my part, what I realized was he didn’t understand that eliminating a belief would not cause him to act in a certain way, it would only give him a choice. He wouldn’t have to express strong feelings, but he would be able to if he chose to.

In other words, eliminating beliefs opens up possibilities for us—it gives us a choice—but does not require any specific action.

Let me explain. Many people have the belief, What makes me good enough or important is taking care of others. That belief will have you frequently put others first and not do what you should do to take care of yourself. Because you have concluded that your self-esteem is dependent on taking care of others, you do that out of need, not out of choice. When this belief is eliminated, you are not prevented from taking care of others, you just have a choice about doing it. You can do it when you wish and not do it when it isn’t appropriate. Getting rid of the belief gives you a choice, it does not require any specific behavior on your part.

Ultimately, one of the most desirable things to possess in life is choice. To have choice in what we do and think and feel is a goal we all have. Beliefs and conditionings can often prevent choice because they frequently dictate specific thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Get rid of the beliefs and conditionings and you’ve reduced the “shoulds” and increased the possibilities in your life.

If you’ve noticed increased possibilities in your life as a result of eliminating beliefs and conditionings, please share your experience with other readers below.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Do you know the difference between beliefs and occurrings? They are totally different phenomena. And you need to be able to eliminate both of them to have a truly satisfying life.

Do you usually make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs for you?
Very few people even realize there is a difference between the two, which leads them to deal with a “reality” that exists only in their mind.

Do you know why the ability to make that distinction is crucial to having a truly happy life? Most people have no idea.

I was preparing a handout for the new Lefkoe Occurring Course starting February 1 that discussed these three issues and I realized that the information in the handout would be useful to all the readers of my blog. So I am reprinting most of the handout below.

Definitions

Reality: What actually happens in the world. What you know through your five senses, especially what you can see or hear. What you would capture on a video recording.

Occurring: The meaning you give to events in reality. Usually we don’t distinguish between reality and how reality occurs for us (our occurring), so we think the meaning we give reality IS reality. For example, losing our job is a fact in reality, that it is a disaster or a great opportunity are two possible ways the event can occur for you. You can “see” that you no longer have a job. You can’t “see” that the job loss is a disaster or an opportunity.

No meaning: Events in reality have no inherent meaning. In other words, you can’t draw any inferences or make any predictions, for sure, as a result of observing any events. When you do the Lefkoe Belief Process you experience clearly that mom’s and dad’s behavior had no inherent meaning, that the way they treated you meant nothing about you.

Distinctions

The difference between a belief and an occurring and why that difference is important: Beliefs are the meaning we give to a series of events. The meaning usually is a statement about ourselves, people or life. A belief is a statement about reality that we feel and act is the truth (it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe). Beliefs are generalizations, for example, I am …. People are …. Life is …. Once formed, beliefs continue to exist and affect our behavior, feelings and perceptions forever, unless we are able to eliminate the belief.

Our occurrings are the meaning we give to a specific event. Each occurring is a distinct experience that usually lasts only a short time and then fades away by itself when we stop thinking about the event. An example of an occurring is your boss asking you a question and it occurring to you as she doesn’t trust you or she doesn’t like you or you’re going to get fired. That is the meaning you have given to the boss’s question. In reality all that happened is that she asked you a question.

Your long-standing beliefs are not occurrings. Occurrings require, by definition, an event. An occurring is how an event occurs for you. If there is no event, there is no occurring.

So beliefs and occurrings are two totally different phenomena. There is a relationship between them, however, in that beliefs are the major source of our occurrings. In other words, how a meaningless event occurs for us is determined mainly by our beliefs. Change your beliefs and how events show up for you will be different. For example, if you believe, People are stupid, they will occur for you that way. Eliminate that belief and your occurring probably will change.

But because each is a distinct phenomenon, it is possible to dissolve an occurring without eliminating any beliefs. If you don’t eliminate the beliefs that are causing a occurring, you are likely to continue to have the same occurring when similar events happen in your life.

The reason this distinction between reality and our occurrings is so important is that most people rarely distinguish between them, thereby acting as if their occurring IS reality. In other words, we rarely deal with what is actually in the world; we deal with the meaning we have given what is in the world, a meaning that exists only in our own mind.

Reality can’t cause feelings: Because events have no inherent meaning, they are unable to make you feel anything. What produces your feelings (apart from some conditioning) is the meaning you give to events.

So beliefs (which are meaning you have given to a series of events) can result in feelings, such as anger resulting from the beliefs, I’m powerless and What makes me powerful (in control) is having things exactly the way I want them. When people don’t do what you want them to do you feel powerless and then feel anger at the people who didn’t do what you wanted them to do. If you didn’t have these two beliefs, you’d either ignore the people who aren’t doing what you want or you’d ask again, giving reasons for what you want.

The meaning you give specific events—your occurrings—also result in feelings. If you don’t get something you want and you give it the meaning: I can’t get what I want and I never will, you will get upset. If you give it the meaning: I haven’t gotten what I want yet, so what do I have to do to get it?—you will feel challenged and excited. Therefore, dissolving your occurrings enables you to simultaneously dissolve negative feelings, such as anxiety, anger, and upset.

Please let me know if these definitions and distinctions are clear and if they are useful. I look forward to hearing from you.

For information about my next Lefkoe Occurring Course, where you learn how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to automatically dissolve your occurrings and your negative feelings, please check out: http://occurringcourse.com/discover.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

This past week I was attending my bi-annual meeting of the Transformational Leadership Council in New Orleans.  At one point I was talking to Paul Scheele of Learning Strategies about the important distinction between inspiration, which comes from who we really are (consciousness, the “creator”) and intention, which comes from who we think we are (the ego, the “creation”).

(See my recent blog post where I discuss this distinction in detail: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/create-happiness/.)

In the middle of the conversation I had a thought that might explain why the Law of Attraction works sometimes and not other times.

When you are inspired to do something (inspirations are created out of nothing, “just because”), the creator that you really are will help to manifest that inspiration.  The “universe” will support you.

On the other hand, when your ego sets an intention (intentions are shaped and limited by our prior beliefs), you generally will not be supported by who you really are, by consciousness, by the “universe.”

In other words, consciousness will help to manifest the visions it inspired to begin with.  And the ego will have to work hard to bring its intentions to fruition.

What I am suggesting is that the Law of Attraction is nothing more that consciousness manifesting its own creations (namely your inspirations).  The “Law” is not applicable to intentions it did not create.

Obviously it is possible to achieve ego-created intentions with effective strategies and actions, but you will not have the Law of Attraction’s support in the same way as you would if you were focused on implementing an inspiration.

Take a look in your own life.  Think about the times that the Law of Attraction seemed to be working, when merely thinking about something seemed to be enough for it to manifest.  And then think about the times that you struggled to get something you wanted.  Was the goal you were striving to achieve a function of an intention or an inspiration?

Does this distinction explain when the LOA works for you and when it doesn’t? Tell me and my readers your stories.

For information about my next Lefkoe Occurring Course, where you learn how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to automatically dissolve your occurrings and your negative feelings, please check out: http://occurringcourse.com/discover.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

What if there was one principle about human feelings that would enable you to control your own experience of life?

Well, there is, and here is the principle: The meaning you give to what happens to you totally determines your reaction to what happens to you. One meaning can lead to upset and suffering; another meaning of the same event can lead to excitement, challenge, and happiness.

Take a moment and think about this.  … Because events in the world have no inherent meaning, when you give meaning to events it seems as if your meaning (how the event is occurring to you) is what is actually happening.  In fact, however, your occurring exists only in your mind.

This very important principle is relevant in two ways.

Our meaning creates our beliefs

First, all of our beliefs about ourselves, others, and life itself are nothing more than the meaning we have given to meaningless events.  I’m not good enough is the meaning we have given to parental criticism or dissatisfaction with what we do as a child.  Relationships are difficult is the meaning we have given to our parents arguing all the time or to our first couple of unpleasant relationships.  Life is difficult is the meaning we have given to difficult childhood experiences where we and our family struggled a lot. Etc.

So our anxiety, procrastination, concern with the opinion of others, lack of confidence, difficulties in relationships, stress, etc. are all primarily the result of beliefs: the meanings we gave earlier in our lives to meaningless events. (Conditionings also play a role.)

Our meaning determines how reality occurs to us

Second, the meaning we give events determines how they occur for us at the moment.  One meaning can lead to a positive occurring; another meaning can lead to a negative occurring.  Unfortunately, most of the time most of us never distinguish between what is actually happening and the meaning we are giving what is happening.

For example, your boss asks you a question.  If you give it the meaning that your boss is dissatisfied with you, you likely will feel anxious or angry.  If you give the same question the meaning that your boss is just trying to get some information, you will feel calm and provide the information.

Another example: Your spouse asks you to do something. If you give it the meaning that he is asking because he doesn’t trust you to do it on your own, you will be angry or upset.  If you give it the meaning that she is just telling you what she wants, then you probably will feel nothing at all.

Meanings that turn into beliefs are generalizations about ourselves, people, and life that stay with us forever, unless we eliminate them.  Meanings that determine how an event occurs for us disappear as soon as we stop thinking about the event.

When people eliminate all the beliefs that cause a given behavioral or emotional problem, the problem disappears.  People who have done this have reported profound changes in their lives.  And yet the changes reported by people who have learned how to dissolve their negative occurrings and be left either with just the unvarnished facts or a positive occurring are even more profound.

Here are just a few stories from people in recent Lefkoe Occurring Courses to show how powerful it is to be able to control the meaning you give events.

“Occurrings dissolve instantly”

I’ve found that almost all of my occurrings dissolve instantly this week, that there was nothing to really stop and work through except for the one incident above. I feel much lighter emotionally now and a LOT less reactive – I find myself looking at situations fairly dispassionately now with a little bit of curiousity as to what may be going on. LOVE IT!!

–Renee Maxfield

“I’ve continued to shift my occurrings fairly quickly”

This week I’ve continued to shift my occurrings fairly quickly. If something happens that triggers a negative feeling, I’m able to distinguish that it is due to my occurring. I then look at alternate meanings, preferably positive ones, and am able to shift to feeling pretty neutral or sometimes more positive. Practicing this technique definitely puts me into the creator space, where I know that I’m creating my reality at every moment.

–Raechel Morgan

“In the past I would have been angry.  This time, nothing.”

I experience negative occurrings less frequently now and those that do arise are often removed with little or no conscious effort. Here are some examples from this week’s experiences.

My body is shocked by an unexpected loud noise caused by someone dropping a heavy object. In the past I would have been angry. This time, nothing. No occurring. No emotion. Just awareness of the noise and the bodily sensation. Pleased by this I take the chance to put in place a positive occurring – I’m getting good at this.

I’m about to buy the latest igadget when the occurring that is pushing me to do so, the sense that it is a must have, just dissolves leaving me easily able to make the more reasonable decision to not buy. (The ability to dissolve occurrings and the habit of dissolving ones that aren’t useful provide great protection against increasingly sophisticated and manipulative marketing strategies)

–Robert Macfarlane

“It has made my life a lot easier”

So much has happened with my husband and our relationship. He is very negative about everything and is feeling powerless. His eyes are going bad and his walking is very bad as well. He feels his control is gone. [He just turned 91.] The more powerless he feels the more control he needs over me and everything happening to us.  My occurring is always that he thinks I am dumb or can’t do anything right when he berates me or tells me what to do all day long.

 Then I remember what he is going through and he doesn’t mean it to hurt me. He need to feels some control. Then I feel better and know it’s not me.  All day long different things happen and I think what is the occurring and it is always negative. Then I think of other interpretations and the feeling disappears. It has made my life a lot easier and happier. Thank you Morty.

–Hilda Fogel

You can learn to do what these people have done. Learn how to control the meaning you give to meaningless events and you control your experience of life.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on how, by changing the meaning you give events, you can control your experience of life.

For information about my next Lefkoe Occurring Course, where you learn how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve your occurrings and your negative feelings, please check out: http://occurringcourse.com/discover.

For information about eliminating 19 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings, please checkout: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Early last year a good friend and colleague, Marci Shimoff, contacted me and told me she was writing a new book to be titled, Love For No Reason.  She said she had read a post I had written about my unconditional love for my wife, Shelly.  Marci asked if she could interview me for the book and use what I had written.  Of course I agreed.

Her book has just been published and I want to strongly recommend that you read it, because she explains, in a way that I had never thought of, how to create a life of unconditional love. Because I’ve been able to love unconditionally, I know how incredible that experience is, so anything you can do to have that experience yourself is worth doing. http://www.thelovebook.com

The book opens with an inspiring story about love for no reason that sets the tone for the entire book.  I was hooked from the start.

Early on Marci uses part of her interview with me, where I described my experience of unconditional love.

When I married my wife, Shelly, almost twenty-nine years ago, she asked me why I loved her.  I answered, “Just because I do.”

She didn’t like this answer.  She wanted to know which qualities about her made me love her.  But I kept insisting that I simply loved her, not for any particularly reason.

I explained: “If I love you for specific reasons, then my love is conditioned on you being a certain way.  If you stop being that way or you aren’t that way at a given time, I may not love you.  But if I love you ‘just because,’ then my love is unconditional and I can and will love you no matter what you do or don’t do.”

If I don’t feel love toward Shelly at any given moment, I realize that I’m not experiencing love inside myself and that it’s up to me to figure out why and to start experiencing it again.  I’m not blaming her for anything and I’m not waiting for her to change in some way.  This gives me complete control over the way I feel about her.  In other words, there’s nothing she has to do to make me love her, and there’s nothing she can do that will lead me to not love her.

Marci’s book is filled with many inspiring stories about love and she also offers some useful tips regarding what it takes to learn to love unconditionally.

For example, she points out that you need to be able to experience self-love before you can truly love another.

Almost all of us carry around this same underlying belief of “I’m not good enough”—or some variation of how we are flawed or inadequate. Yours might be “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not worthy,” or “I’m not loveable.”  It really doesn’t matter which edition of the “I’m not Okay” manual you have, when you don’t love yourself, you hold yourself back from receiving life’s richest experience: Love for No Reason.  It’s like having a winning lottery ticket and not showing up to claim the millions.”

Marci describes a meeting she attended with the Dalai Lama, who radiates love for no reason:

Just sitting within ten feet of this great spiritual master was transformational.  His presence was incredibly calming, bathing the entire room in an aura of quiet, unconditional love.

The Dalai Lama graciously welcomed us to the meeting, and before taking our questions, he shared a few words that put us instantly at ease.  He said that whether he is addressing the president of a nation or a homeless person on the street makes no difference to him, because he treats everyone the same.

“Differences in religious beliefs, politics, social status, and position are all secondary,” the Dalai Lama explained.  “When we look at someone with compassion, we are able to see beyond those secondary differences and connect to the primary essence that binds all humans together as one.” (Emphasis added.)

He added that when we are in this state of being, we feel love for ourselves and others, not because of what we do, but simply because we are.

Marci identifies one of the biggest barriers to unconditional love:

One of the biggest blocks to experiencing Love for No Reason is being judgmental, which is different from exercising good judgment or voicing an opinion.  Being judgmental is condemning another person or situation, which creates tension and separation in our relationships, effectively cutting off the flow of love.

I was excited that she also discussed love for no reason at work.  She quoted from an interview she had with another one of my friends and colleagues, Stewart Emery.

When you’re living in a state of love, it automatically brings the ability to “be a good one” to whatever you are doing.  It’s love that causes that to happen.  Without love for your work, you can’t get good at it.

What’s interesting is that if you ask people who love their work why they love it, they’ll invent reasons, because we’re socialized to have reasons for everything, but the truth is that the love we’re talking about “passeth all understanding”: it’s beyond reasons.  And it’s this love that produces the greatest artistic, scientific, and business achievements.”

Near the end of the book Marci has a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. that is especially relevant in today’s world, where there is conflict wherever we look.

Though it’s tempting to reject or even try to destroy the people we feel are hateful, Dr. King said that returning hate with hate “only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the universe … It just never ends … The strong person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil … and inject within the very structure of the universe that strong and powerful element of love.”

Although these words were spoken more than fifty years ago, we still face the same challenge today: to love people we don’t agree with and who don’t see the world the same way we do.

There is nothing like the experience of loving for no reason.  I’ve had that experience many times and it usually is accompanied by a feeling of bliss. If you want to know more about it and learn how to create it yourself, read Marci’s book. To order the book on-line, please click on the following link (I don’t earn an affiliate commission, I just think you should read the book) or go to your nearest book store.  http://www.thelovebook.com

Please share below your thoughts and questions on unconditional love.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Everyone knows that success in life is a function of your “intention.”  Right?

I just read an excellent blog post by Joe Vitale (http://blog.mrfire.com/why-i-gave-up-intentions) that challenges this point of view.  Joe’s perspective makes a lot of sense to me and, because New Year’s Resolutions are usually all about our intentions, I thought I would use my first blog post of the new year to take a fresh look at this topic.

Joe questions the value of intention

Joe makes this point: “Today I realize that most intentions are limitations. Intentions come from your ego and can actually limit what is possible for you to receive.”

He goes on to explain:

STAGE ONE:

In the first stage you are a victim. We’re all born into it and most of us stay there. With coaching or the right books or the right movies, you one day break free.

STAGE TWO:

In the next stage you realize you have more power than you ever thought before. In this stage intentions are fun and exciting and useful. You aim your life where you want it to go. It’s exhilarating to manifest things like new cars or a new house or anything else you can imagine.

But there’s a stage after that.

STAGE THREE:

In the third stage you realize you have choice but you don’t have control. You realize you don’t have all power. This is where you surrender. This is where you can receive inspiration from something greater than your ego awareness.

I was filmed for two more movies last week. One of them is all about letting go to inspiration.

For me, I want inspiration.

When it comes, that becomes my new intention.

But the intention comes from inspiration, not from limitation.

The intention comes from the Divine, not my pipsqueak ego.

In short, when I receive an inspiration to do something, it becomes my intention.

So I still believe in intentions, but not those of the ego, but those of the Divine.

A distinction between intention and inspiration

Joe made an important distinction between inspiration, which comes from who we really are (the “creator”) and intention, which comes from who we think we are (the ego, the “creation”).

Because our creation is pretty much run by our already-existing beliefs and conditionings, our intentions are not really freely chosen.   Our intentions are determined by our past, or, to be more precise, the meaning we gave past experiences.  In other words, our intentions are limited by our beliefs.  We can’t intend to achieve more than our beliefs will allow.

Inspirations, on the other hand, are created out of nothing. Inspirations don’t depend on anything and they are not limited by our beliefs.

If you were asked: What is the source of any goal you might have—and you explain why you have the goal, you probably have an intention that is a function of your beliefs.  If your answer is, “just because” or “why not” or “just because I said so,” you probably have an inspiration that was created independent of your beliefs.

As soon as I realized the power of The Lefkoe Method (TLM) about 25 years ago to make a profound difference in the world, I said to myself: I intend to spend the rest of my life using TLM to make a difference in as many lives as possible.  A worthwhile intention, isn’t it?

But when I first created this intention about 25 years ago it mattered to me.  I used it to define who I was.  It became my identity.  I had to do it.  It was a better way to spend my time than how most other people spent their time.  The world needed what I had to offer.

My intention became an inspiration

And then about 10 years ago there was a shift from: I need to do it, to: I choose to do it. And I would be okay if I didn’t do it. The world didn’t need me; it would be okay without me.

My intention had shifted to inspiration and it no longer defined who I was.  My ego was no longer involved.

I’ve actually been thinking about what to do with the rest of my life (I’m now 73 years old) during the past two weeks while I was on vacation in Hawaii with Shelly and my two daughters.

On the one hand I felt I could stay on vacation for the rest of my life. Either my associates or I have worked one-on-one with well over 13,000 clients and over 70,000 people have used an online and/or a DVD program to eliminate at least one belief.  Most of these people experienced a freedom that they had never experienced before.  One of my daughters pointed out that very few people in history had helped so many people.  I felt that was okay to stop.

On the other hand I felt excited about getting back to work. I was looking forward to implementing the many ideas I have for 2011, including a way to reach a few hundred thousand more people in 2011, leading a new occurring course, and  creating several new products.

After weighing each possibility, I choose to go back to work.  I don’t need to help people for ego reasons.  I am okay whether I continue to make The Lefkoe Method available in the world or not.  However, for me this is still the best game in town and I am interested in playing for at least one more year.

Look at your own intentions

Take a look at your intentions for 2011 and see if they are freely chosen or not.  Are they something you are choosing to do or something you need to do to be okay?

If you discover that the source of your intentions is your beliefs, get rid of any negative self-esteem beliefs so that you realize you are okay just the way you are and that you don’t need to do anything to be okay.  Make sure you get rid of any survival strategy beliefs, so that your sense of okayness is not dependent on anything outside yourself.  Do the Who Am I Really? Process and experience that you are the creator of your life, not a creation.

Allow yourself to ruminate about the question:  What do I want to do with my life, just because I want to do it—not because of what it means about me or because of what others will think?

When you discover what you choose to do, not what you need to do, what you would do even if no one else ever knew that you did it, you are probably in touch with divine inspiration, rather than ego-driven intention.  At that point the universe likely will support you in manifesting your inspiration in the world.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on living out of inspiration versus intention.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2011 Morty Lefkoe

 Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions last year?  … What about the year before? …

If you are like most people, you worked on them through the middle of January and by early February you had forgotten you ever made them.  Or, perhaps after several years of failure, you stopped making New Year’s resolutions at all.

Why don’t we do the things that we say we are going to do?  Things we really want to do?  Things that truly would benefit our lives?

The answer is simple.  Our behavior is not the result of our desires or even our commitments.  It is the result of our beliefs and conditioning.  And if there is a conflict between our beliefs/conditioning and our commitments/desires, the beliefs/conditioning  usually will win.

Let me give you a few examples.

I’m going to stop procrastinating

A few years ago I had a friend named Johnny whose problem was that he procrastinated a lot of the time.  He almost always left work projects go until the last minute. As a result, he was anxious much of the time and sometimes he would turn projects in late, which resulted in an upset boss.

At some point he decided he must change, so he made a New Year’s resolution to stop procrastinating the next year.  Because he was really committed, he did everything he could to insure his success.

• He prioritized his activities, assuming that it would help him focus on the most important projects.
• He made a schedule that helped him allot time during the month for work on the projects.
• He put up reminders in prominent places.
• He created rewards to give himself when he finished a project—a special dinner or a new item of clothing.
• He asked his friends to support him.

And yet—despite this detailed strategy for keeping his resolution—by early February he called to tell me the problem was as bad as ever.

I put on my “Lefkoe Method Facilitator” hat and asked Johnny what thoughts he had when he was about to do what he knew he should do at work, just before he put it off and did something else instead.  He gave me the following list.

• What I do might not be good enough.
• People might judge my work badly.
• I feel uncomfortable when I think about doing the project.

Can you see that these thoughts and feelings were keeping him from acting? That most people with those thoughts and feelings probably would procrastinate, especially with important projects?

After a short discussion we found a number of beliefs that were causing the thoughts and feelings, including these three:

• I’m not good enough.
• What makes me good enough is having others think well of me.
• Mistakes and failure are bad.

These beliefs (and several others) led to the thoughts and feelings that caused Johnny’s procrastination.  After I helped him get rid of the beliefs, the procrastination stopped … totally.

If you resolve to stop procrastination, eliminate all of the relevant beliefs and your New Year’s resolution will finally manifest.

I’m going to find a great relationship this year

Here’s another story that will explain why it can be so difficult to stick with our New Year’s resolutions.

Years ago I had a friend, Jennifer, who really wanted a great romantic relationship.  In fact, it was all she could talk about.  But she either went months at a time without any relationship at all, or she would get into disastrous relationships that didn’t last more than a couple of months and then ended with a lot of upset.

One year she made a New Year’s resolution to create a great guy in the coming year.  She made a list of all the qualities she wanted, visualized what he looked like, and imagined spending time with him as he did all the things she imagined this great guy would do.

But after February came and went, she, too, asked if I would put on my professional hat and help her.  We quickly identified the following beliefs, among others: I’m not good enough.  I’m not loveable.  I’m not deserving. Men can’t be trusted.  Men are jerks. Relationships don’t work.  I’ll never get what I want.

What were the chances of a nurturing long-term romantic relationship with beliefs like these? … Slim to nil.  So I helped her eliminate these and a few other beliefs and conditionings.

By June she was in the relationship of her dreams and by the end of the year she was married.

I’m going to lose weight

With about 70% of American adults obese or overweight, the resolution to lose weight is probably a common one.

Unfortunately, the reason people have a difficult time losing weight is the same reason they overeat and gained the weight in the first place.

As I explain in detail in my eBook, The Secret to Ending Overeating For Good, (http://emotionaleatingreport.com) overeating—in other words, eating when you aren’t hungry—is caused both by conditioning and beliefs.  And most people’s weight problem is the result of overeating.  In other words, if you only ate when you were truly hungry—and not for emotional reasons—and you ate healthy food with a modicum of exercise, you would not gain weight.

Overeaters have conditioned eating as the “drug of choice” whenever certain “triggers” occur, such as being lonely, bored, anxious, feeling unlovable, depressed, stressed, or rejected.

Many also have beliefs like: If I don’t eat the food in front of me now, there won’t be any later. If I can’t eat “bad” foods, I’m missing out. The way to keep food from running my life (like it did my mom’s) is to eat whatever I want to eat.

What are the possibilities of keeping your resolution to lose weight if you have conditionings and beliefs like these?  Again, not too good.  On the other hand, if you get rid of all the relevant beliefs and conditionings, your overeating will stop naturally and automatically, and losing weight will be relatively easy.

2011 is the year you can achieve all your resolutions

As you make your list of what you resolve to do in 2011, take a look and see if you have any beliefs or conditionings that might be barriers to achieving any of your goals.  If so, get rid of them and then notice that, perhaps for the first time, you keep your New Year’s resolutions and you achieve all that you want.

Happy Holidays!  May you continue to dissolve the barriers to your “creation’s” happiness and well-being and may you continue to experience yourself as the “creator” you actually are—with nothing missing and anything possible.

Let’s have 2011 the year you make all your dreams come true.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on keeping your New Year‘s resolutions.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

The more we work with clients who have a problem of overeating, the more convinced I am that we have come up with an effective solution to a major health crisis.

Over 70% of American adults are either overweight or obese.  That is a disastrous situation for those people who have an eating/weight problem and a serious crisis for society as a whole.

As more and more clients de-condition eating as the compulsive response to emotional triggers and as I better understand the role of beliefs in overeating, it is clear that a long-term solution to overeating now exists that does not involve dieting, drugs, or will power.

These are all attempts to deal with the symptoms of the problem.  Our approach is to deal with and eliminate the cause.

So 25 years after creating the Lefkoe Belief Process we now have all the processes we need to help millions of people totally stop their overeating problem.  I don’t yet know how to create a DVD that will do the job, but hopefully I will figure out a way eventually. In the meantime, we can help people in one-on-one phone and Skype sessions.

I’ve written an eBook that describes the true causes of overeating and presents an effective solution.  The eBook is free and is available at http://emotionaleatingreport.com.

In addition, because this issue is so crucial and affects so many people, and because we have a real solution to the problem, I intend to create a new blog that I will post to weekly that will focus solely on the causes and cure for overeating problems.  It will be shorter than my blog at http://mortylefkoe.com and may include reviews of books that I think might be useful, comments on news items involving food and weight, case histories from clients I am working with, new insights I have about the problem, etc.

If you or a friend or a loved one have an eating/food/weight problem, please take a look at the free eBook and at the same time sign up to get the blog weekly.  You can see the existing posts and sign up at http://emotionaleatingreport.com/blog/.

Please share below your thoughts and questions on my decision to write an emotional eating weekly blog.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

The Placebo Effect

One of the best proofs that beliefs have a powerful impact on our health has existed for years right under the noses of every physician in the world: the placebo effect, “a change in a patient’s illness attributable to the symbolic import of a treatment rather than a specific pharmacologic or physiological property.”  In other words, it is your natural healing ability triggered by belief in a treatment, doctor, or institution.

Every new drug is tested for safety and efficacy before it is put on the market. Part of all testing involves giving the drug to human subjects to determine if it is effective in dealing with the condition it’s intended to alleviate. At the same time, a pill containing an inert substance, sometimes sugar, is given to other subjects with the same illness. The drug is approved for distribution if it is determined to be safe and significantly more effective than the placebo.

As Deepak Chopra points out: “By giving a placebo, or dummy pill, thirty percent of patients will experience the same pain relief as if a real painkiller had been administered. But the mind-body effect is much more holistic. The same dummy pill can be used to kill pain, to stop excessive gastric secretions in ulcer patients, to lower blood pressure, or to fight tumors. (All the side effects of chemotherapy, including hair loss and nausea, can be induced by giving cancer patients a sugar pill while assuring them that it is a powerful anticancer drug, and there have been instances where injections of sterile saline solution have actually led to remissions of advanced malignancy.)”

Chopra and many others explain the placebo effect as an example of the power of suggestion.  I don’t think it is the suggestion as such; it is the belief that results from the suggestion that affects the body.

Cancer

An excellent example of the mind-body connection is cancer. The old saying, “Many a truth has been spoken in jest” was never more true than when Woody Allen said in the film Manhattan, “I don’t get mad, I grow tumors.”

Cancer is a disease caused by a failure of the immune system. What causes the immune system to fail in some people and not in others? Increasingly, scientists and cancer specialists are reaching the same conclusion Norman Cousins wrote about in Head First.

Cousins summarized research showing that “depression is a demonstrated cause of physical ill health, including deleterious effects on the immune system. Equally striking is the fact that liberation from depression produces an almost automatic boost in the number of disease-fighting immune cells.” Cousins concluded, “If you can reduce the depression that almost invariably affects cancer patients, you can increase the body’s own capacity for combating malignancies.”

Depression is experienced as an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Those attitudes are the result of such beliefs as I’m not good enough, I don’t matter, I’ll never get what I want, I’m powerless, I’m alone in the world, I’m worthless, Life is difficult, and I’m unlovable. By eliminating beliefs such as these, depression can be eliminated and the immune system can be strengthened.

Dr. Sandra Levy of the Pittsburg Cancer Institute conducted research that led her to conclude: “Perhaps the course of cancer can in part be altered by changing the emotions associated with depression, helplessness, and the failure to cope.” (Emphasis added.)

There are many additional studies showing the impact of the mind on cancer other than the impact of depression.

Heart Disease

Another example of the mind-body connection is heart disease. Scientists have long been puzzled by the fact that, although the “risk factors” for heart disease (like high blood cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, and cigarette smoking) are well known, more than half the new cases of heart disease occur when none of these risk factors is present. Something else is going on.

Scientists have also learned that the most reliable factor in determining survival rates for patients with heart disease are job satisfaction and a sense of “overall happiness.” Those who were alone and depressed had the poorest survival rates.

Lynda H. Powell, an assistant professor at the Department of Epidemiology and Public Health at the Yale University School of Medicine, has done extensive research on the relationship between mental states and heart attacks.

Dr. Powell points out:  “Hostility and cynical mistrust are consistently associated with coronary artery disease. The constant ongoing vigilance associated with being mistrustful appears to promote coronary heart disease by speeding up the disposition of the atherosclerotic plaques on the walls of the arteries. How we think this happens is that the hormones which enter the bloodstream during times of stress act to keep the sticky LDL cholesterol, which is considered the bad type of cholesterol, circulating in the bloodstream longer, and this increases the rate of blockage on the coronary arteries.”

The role of beliefs

In a well-researched book, The Health of Nations: True Causes of Sickness and Well-Being, Dr. Leonard Sagan concluded: “The data reviewed in this book demonstrate that those who are competent and have confidence in themselves and in their ability to control their own lives will experience better health outcomes than those who do not. … Another dimension that must be incorporated into our notion of health is an understanding and appreciation for the preeminent role of early childhood informing the attitudes and values that are fundamental in the formation of a healthy personality.

“… Our current biomedical paradigm focuses narrowly on adult behavior, on diet and particularly on physical fitness as the primary determinant of health, and largely ignores the fundamental role of our self-esteem, and our ability to form affectionate relationships with others, and finally, to feel ourselves in charge our of own lives.  It is in these qualities that true health lies.” (Emphasis added.)

Please share below your thoughts and questions on the relationship between our beliefs and our illnesses.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

In addition to the seven processes that can help free individuals from their limitations (which I’ve described in the last three blog posts), The Lefkoe Method has two additional processes that were designed specifically for use in organizations.

If you use them in your own firm, you will be more successful.  If you use them at a company where you work, you will become a more effective and valuable employee.

The Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities

The first process, the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities, was created when I discovered during my years as a management consultant that employees on every level in every organization were sabotaging themselves and their organizations with many beliefs that started with the words: We (I) can’t ….

Almost everyone in every organization—whether it be non-profit, for profit, or governmental—has a number of beliefs about what can’t be done and what must be done.  Based on my experience I contend that these beliefs are an organization’s biggest barrier to innovation.  In fact, they are probably the single biggest problem organizations face.

• “We can’t out-source that job.”
• “We can’t find the type of employees we need.”
• “I can’t get the support I need.”
• “We can’t possibly finish the project as quickly as the customer wants.”
• “We can’t afford to do that.”
• “That suggestion is crazy.  It can’t possibly work.”

Sound familiar?  If you work in an organization it is unlikely you get through an entire day without hearing, We (I) can’t …, at  least once.  And if the right someone (or lots of someones) believes something “can’t be done,” then the chances are slim to nil that it will get done.

Either this type of belief will stop a new initiative cold, or, if the organization manages to get it off the ground, the people with the belief will have a hard time supporting it, which will lead to the belief becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

When I first discovered the widespread prevalence of this type of belief, I realized that the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) could easily eliminate it.  The problem was that it was impractical to train everyone in an organization to use the LBP.  It would take much too much time.  So I had to revise the Process so that anyone could learn to do it very quickly.

At some point I realized that if you were eliminating a belief whose source was not childhood and that was always the same—namely, something hadn’t worked before—I could create an easy-to-learn-and-use variation of the LBP that only eliminated We (I) can’t … beliefs.

I call this process the Lefkoe Belief Process-Possibilities because when you eliminate a We (I) can’t … belief you create possibilities that literally didn’t exist before. The LBP-P can eliminate a belief in less than five minute and can be taught to groups of people in only an hour or so.

For more details about the LBP-P, including the actual steps of the Process, please visit http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-the-belief-%E2%80%9Ci-can%E2%80%99t-%E2%80%A6%E2%80%9D/.

Changing the culture of an organization

Right after I created the LBP in 1985 my associates and I did a lot of management consulting work.  One of the most exciting assignments we had was helping many of the newly-formed telephone companies that had just split off from AT&T to create a new customer-driven culture.

For about a hundred years AT&T had a culture that was focused on internal measurements for improvement.  Because the company had a monopoly and customers had no place else to go, it didn’t focus much on what customers wanted.  AT&T gave them what it thought they needed.  After AT&T split up into a number of “Baby Bells,” each operating company had to change its culture to focus more on customer service.

The Lefkoe Institute was brought in by seven of those companies to work with thousands of their employees.   I created a process that had employees in all the workshops realize that what they did on a daily basis made perfect sense given the beliefs they had created about what to do and how to do it.  They also came to realize that these beliefs made perfect sense given the environment that existed when the beliefs were formed.

So instead of telling the employees that what they were doing was wrong or that they needed to change, we validated their behavior and their beliefs.

Once they realized the many ways in which the “old environment” had changed, they were able to consciously create new beliefs about their jobs, policies and procedures  that were consistent with the new, current environment.  And obviously their behavior changed to be consistent with their new beliefs.

We were very successful both in helping change the behavior of employees and the culture in which they operated.

Important organizational distinctions

In addition to the two processes that were developed specifically for organizations, I have made several important distinctions that are very valuable for organizations, such as the distinction between first, second, and third order change.

Here is a short summary of the difference between the three types of change:

First order change is incremental and consists of improving what already is.  It is change consistent with existing beliefs.

Second order change is more fundamental and consists of creating a new set of beliefs that make behavior possible that had been impossible before.

One way to distinguish between a second and third order change organization is that the former creates a new and better culture in which to operate; the latter creates a culture that recognizes that there is no ”right” culture for all times.  A third order change organization is able to easily create new cultures as new environments require.

For examples and more details see my blog post: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/relationship-personal/.

Summary of The Lefkoe Method

In this and the last three blog posts I have provided a summary of the nine processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method and provided links to get additional information about each process.

It should be clear that not only is each process unique in what it does and how it does it, but all of them together as The Lefkoe Method offer a revolutionary approach to freeing us from our limitations and providing us with the freedom to create our lives exactly the way we want them to be.

Please share below any comments you have on the two organizational processes or any other process in The Lefkoe Method.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

The Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) and the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process (LDP) are the two newest processes that constitute The Lefkoe Method (TLM).  I’ve mentioned them before in other posts; today I will summarize each of them and describe how each offers a unique benefit not found in any other process in TLM or, to the best of my knowledge, in any psychotherapeutic or personal growth technique.  I also will describe the Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process, which helps you enter an altered state of consciousness.

The Lefkoe Occurring Process

Our beliefs are the meaning we gave to a series of events in the past, which we now feel is “the truth.”  For us, a belief is an accurate description of reality, which gives it the power to influence our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

We also give meaning to reality moment by moment and the meaning we give events determines how reality “occurs” for us.  For example, someone you know walks into a crowded room and doesn’t say hello to you.  That is a fact.  It may occur to you, however, that she doesn’t like you, or that she is being rude, or that she didn’t see you.  All of these “occurrings” are possible meanings for her behavior—that exist only in your mind.

But here’s the problem.  For most of us the way the world occurs for us is our reality, because we never distinguish between the two. And because the way we think reality “is” determines our thinking, our feelings, the possibilities available for our actions, etc., for most of us most of the time our responses to “reality” are really responses to our occurrings.

Because our emotions are usually the result of our occurrings and not reality itself (because events have no inherent meaning, they usually cannot cause feelings), the ability to dissolve our occurrings enables us to eliminate most negative emotions at will.

Unlike beliefs, which once formed become our reality forever (unless they are eliminated), our occurrings are only the meaning we have given transient events and then disappear either immediately or shortly after the events are gone.  As a result current occurrings rarely affect us in the future.

The single best, easiest, and fastest way to control your experience of life is to consistently make a distinction between reality and how reality occurs for you, and then to dissolve the occurring, so you are left with nothing but the facts of reality.

For more details on “occurring,” see a short video I made that visually explains how we create occurrings and how we can dissolve them: http://occurringcourse.com/how-occurring-works/.  See also a blog post devoted entirely to this topic: http://www.mortylefkoe.com/create-experience-life/.

Although eliminating beliefs and conditionings can make a profound difference in how you experience your life, you will gain more minute-by-minute control over it using the Lefkoe Occurring Process. (For information about the next course where I teach participants how to use it, see http://www.occurringcourse.com/discover/.)

The Lefkoe De-conditioning Process

This process has the potential to be used in a wide variety of problems, but it was created for and currently is only used for eating problems.

I discovered after years of trying to help people stop their overeating by eliminating beliefs that that approach was insufficient.

I had known all about “classical” conditioning, in which a stimulus is conditioned to produce a behavioral or emotional response.  So rejection or making a mistake can be conditioned to produce anxiety.  Or being told what to do can be conditioned to produce anger.  This type of conditioning was demonstrated by Pavlov’s dogs that were conditioned to salivate by the ringing of a bell.  The Lefkoe Stimulus Process can easily de-condition this type of conditioning.  But that type of conditioning didn’t seem relevant for overeating, which involves a behavior that seems compulsive.

There is another type of conditioning called “operant” conditioning.  This type of conditioning is the result of rewarding or punishing a behavior.  As a result you become conditioned to act in a certain way in order to achieve the “reward” or avoid the punishment. This also didn’t seem relevant to the way eating gets conditioned.

So at some point I realized that overeating was largely the result of a different type of conditioning.  Here’s how eating gets conditioned: When we have some type of negative feeling—such as anxiety, depression, neediness, and loneliness—and then eat, two things happen: we are distracted for the moment from the negative feeling and we have substituted a positive feeling (eating) for the negative feeling.  After experiencing a “pleasurable distraction” (or a comforting or a numbing feeling) many times when we eat, eating gets conditioned and becomes a compulsive reaction whenever the negative emotional “trigger” it was associated with shows up in your life.

Other behaviors could get conditioned the same way, but so far eating is the only compulsive behavior I have found to be conditioned this way.

The Lefkoe De-conditioning Process makes several distinctions that enable eating to be de-conditioned, so that it is no longer an automatic compulsive behavior whenever the trigger appears.

For more details, see an eBook I recently wrote about how overeating is caused by this type of conditioning and how it can be totally stopped using the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process and, in some cases, the Lefkoe Belief Process: http://eatingreport.com

These are my two newest processes and I’m very excited about them.  One of them will help people stop overeating for good without using will power.  The other will enable you to create your experience of life, minute by minute.  Do you know anything else that can do this?

The Lefkoe Method is both practical and spiritual

It wasn’t until several years after I had been using the Lefkoe Belief Process that I realized that it opened the gate to a profoundly spiritual experience of oneself.  After a while I created a process—that I now call Who Am I Really? (WAIR?)—that supports the spiritual part of the Lefkoe Belief Process.

WAIR? enables people to distinguish themselves as the creator of their lives.  This awareness is not merely a thought process, where you understand that you create your life.  It isn’t even merely the experience of creating your life.  It is a creative process, where you distinguish yourself as the creator of your life, at which point you know it on a very profound level that goes way beyond understanding or even experience.  In this altered state you experience that anything is possible and that nothing is missing.

All the other individual processes that comprise TLM help you change the “creation” you think you are in some way.  The WAIR? Process helps you realize that you aren’t merely your creation, you ultimately are the creator of the creation.

All in all, TLM is a profoundly spiritual method to improve your life.  It not only helps you in a very practical, day-to-day way, it also helps you distinguish yourself as the creator of your life.

You really have to do the WAIR? Process to get how powerful it is.  It is included at the end of the free beliefs at http://recreateyourlife.com and it also is a stand-alone process in all of the streaming video and DVD products we offer at http://recreateyourlife.com/store.

For an entire blog post devoted to a detailed examination of the WAIR? Process, see http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-into-an-altered-state-of-consciousness-in-minutes/.

Next week’s post will describe the final two processes of The Lefkoe Method.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Occurring Process, the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process, and the Who Am I Really? Process.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Last week I pointed out that The Lefkoe Method (TLM) includes nine different processes, all of them unique methods for transforming the quality of your life.  I described two of them—the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process—in detail. (See http://www.mortylefkoe.com/lefkoe-method-part-1/)

This week I’ll tell you how the Lefkoe Sense and Expectation Processes are revolutionary methods for removing barriers to you experiencing a level of joy and fulfillment most people have given up ever achieving.

As you read the following discussion of these two additional processes that are part of TLM, I want you to remember what I claimed last week:

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t another belief-elimination process out there that is guaranteed to eliminate fundamental beliefs permanently.  Moreover, I am quite confident that no one offers as complete an arsenal of processes to help you make any change you want in your life … and have it stick.  In fact, I’m not aware of any other process that produces the results that each of these processes achieve.

Have you ever heard of anything remotely like the two processes I describe below?

The Lefkoe Sense Process

The Lefkoe Sense Process (LSP) is useful after one eliminates all the relevant beliefs one can find and still has a negative sense of something.  This “sense” usually doesn’t exist in complete sentences, like beliefs.  A “sense” typically is described in bodily feelings, colors, images, short phrases, etc.  You actually can have a negative sense of anything, such as people, life, and work, but the most common negative sense that adversely affects our lives is a negative sense of self.

Try it right now.  Close your eyes and spend a moment looking inside for your sense of yourself. … If you find words, such as “not good enough” or “not important,” that is probably the result of beliefs like I’m not good enough and I’m not important.  But keep looking: Is there a sense that exists primarily in feelings and images?  If there is and it is negative, the LSP can help you get rid of it.

It appears that a negative sense of yourself is the result of conditioning and that the LSP de-conditions that negative conditioning.  The initial conditioning usually takes place in childhood.  Events around us—usually mom’s and dad’s behavior—lead us to have a negative feeling about ourselves.  Sometimes the feeling is a direct result of their behavior—as an example, we might have a sense of ourselves as isolated or alone in the world as a result of mom and dad not paying attention to us much of the time.

Sometimes the feeling is the result of the meaning we give their behavior—as an example, feeling not acceptable as a result of giving that meaning to mom and dad not being available much of the time.

Let me explain further.  Any child in any culture recognizes certain tones of voice and facial expressions as expressing “anger,” which most children would interpret as meaning there is something wrong with me.  Why that interpretation and not: What’s wrong with my parents?  Two reasons.

First, a child knows on some level he is dependent on his parents for his very survival.  If there is something wrong with his parents, then his survival is threatened.  Better that there is something wrong with him.

Second, children think that adults—especially their parents—have all the answers to dealing with the world; children also know they know very little about how to deal with the world.  Children are always saying, “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to … (or, then I’ll know what to do).”  So if mom and dad are angry, it must be my fault; there is something wrong with me.  Before a child has words this anger can be experienced wordlessly as: pushed away, overwhelmed, not acceptable, not okay, uncomfortable, etc.

To summarize, events in your childhood and the meanings you give those events are the source of the “sense” you formed of yourself at the time and that still exists today.

As a child we looked inside and always saw this same sense of ourselves; at some point we got conditioned to experience the sense as “who we are.”  The LSP works by getting us to realize that the sense is the result of events outside ourselves or the meaning we gave to outside events, and it never was inherent in us.  We realize our sense of ourselves is not who we are.

Although getting rid of the beliefs that constitute our sense of ourselves usually will get rid of any negative sense, sometimes there will be a conditioned negative sense that requires the LSP.  In such cases a negative feeling you’ve had about yourself for a lifetime can be extinguished in a matter of minutes.

The Lefkoe Expectation Process

The other process that might be necessary to get rid of negative feelings that often overwhelm us is the Lefkoe Expectation Process (LEP).  Sometimes, after all the relevant beliefs have been eliminated, one can still expect life to be difficult, to not get what one wants, to have anxiety in certain situations, etc.  The LEP can totally eliminate those negative expectations.  Like with the LSP, you should eliminate all the relevant beliefs first, because often that will eliminate the negative expectation.  But if the expectation is still there, use this process.

Again, to fully make real how useful this process can be, close your eyes and ask yourself what you expect regarding some area of your life, such as your relationships, career, wealth, or life in general.  … Try it right now. …

You should come up with a description of your expectation that is not necessarily in the form of specific beliefs—for example, you might expect your relationships to never work out, to never be able to make lasting change in your life, or to never accumulate wealth. All of these expectations could be caused by beliefs, but if you still had any of them after eliminating the appropriate beliefs, the LEP could de-condition them.

Expectations are formed by assuming that the future necessarily will be like the past.  In other words, if something has happened to you repeatedly (or even once if the event is really traumatic), then you will get conditioned to assume that it will continue to happen in the future.

The LEP works by having you realize that the circumstances that had something happen in the past are never exactly the same as your future circumstances, so it never makes sense to assume that your future will be exactly the same as your past, because all the relevant circumstances are never the same.

Why These Processes Are So Valuable

If, after eliminating the appropriate beliefs, you still have negative senses or expectations as a result of conditioning, the only way I know to get rid of them is to use the Lefkoe Stimulus Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process.  And if you don’t get rid of the conditionings, you will be stuck with negative feelings that will constantly sabotage you.  You might not need to use these two processes often, but when you do, they offer relief that nothing else can provide.

(To see the actual steps of the Lefkoe Sense and Expectation Processes, please see my blog, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/get-rid-of-negative-%E2%80%9Csenses%E2%80%9D-and-%E2%80%9Cexpectations%E2%80%9D/)

Next week’s post will describe additional processes of The Lefkoe Method that you might need to eliminate all your barriers to having the life you’ve always wanted.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Sense Process and the Lefkoe Expectation Process.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Many of you have used the Lefkoe Belief Process and found that permanently getting rid of beliefs has made a profound difference in your life.  Did you know that The Lefkoe Method includes eight other processes you can use to make significant changes in your life?

Depending on the problem you are trying to get rid of and what you are trying to accomplish, some of these other processes might be required.

Because recently readers have asked me to describe the difference between each   process and explain how each is used, I’ve decided to use my blog posts over the next few weeks to do just that.  I’ll provide a short description of each process, explain how it works, and tell you how it can be used to help you get rid of problems you face in your life daily.

This week I’ll discuss the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process. In future weeks I’ll write about the others.

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t another belief-elimination process out there that is guaranteed to eliminate fundamental beliefs permanently.  Moreover, I am quite confident that no one offers as complete an arsenal of processes to help you make any change you want in your life … and have it stick.  In fact, I’m not aware of any other process that produces the results that each of these processes achieve.

Here is a list of the processes that comprise The Lefkoe Method:

• Lefkoe Belief Process
• Lefkoe Stimulus Process
• Lefkoe Sense Process
• Lefkoe Expectation Process
• Lefkoe De-conditioning Process
• Lefkoe Occurring Process
• Lefkoe Belief Process—Possibilities
• Lefkoe Belief Process—Organizations
• Who am I really?

The Lefkoe Belief Process

The Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP), which I developed in 1975, was the first of the processes and still is the most important.  Most of our undesirable behavior and feelings ultimately can be traced to our beliefs, so being able to get rid of beliefs will make the biggest long-term difference in your life.

A belief, as I use the term, is a statement about reality that is the truth for us.  It is experienced emotionally as the truth, because it is possible to intellectually disagree with something we believe.

For example, you may believe that I’m not good enough, even though you know intellectually that that is not true.  So the way to know you have a belief is to say the words of the belief out loud and then ask yourself: Do the words feel true? Do they resonate even a little bit?  Do they feel even a little uncomfortable?

Most of our core beliefs about ourselves, people, and life are formed in the first six years of life as a result of interactions with our parents.  Beliefs about other areas of life—such as work, politics, relationships, and aspects of society—usually are formed when we encounter them.

The steps of LBP consist mainly of questions that enable you to discover that something you thought was “the truth,” something you thought you “saw” in the world, is really only “a truth,” that exists only in your mind.  When you make that distinction, the belief is transformed into merely one interpretation you gave a meaningless series of events, and the belief disappears.

Typical common negative beliefs include I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m powerless, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.

Many day-to-day problems that we face—such as procrastination, selling ourselves short, and trying to impress others—can usually be resolved by eliminating the beliefs that cause them.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process

Many emotions are caused by beliefs, for example, the belief that Dogs are dangerous will result in an emotion of fear when confronting a dog. The belief People can’t be trusted will result in the feeling of suspicion around people. When the beliefs are eliminated, the emotions usually will be also. There are many adults, however, who experience emotions that appear to not depend on beliefs.

Very often we experience negative feelings in our life on a recurring basis, such as fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. We experience these feelings every time specific events or circumstances occur, such as fear whenever we make a mistake or someone gets angry at us, or guilt whenever we are asked to do something. In many cases the events that stimulate the feeling in us do not produce the same feeling in others, and vice versa. Why, for example, does an event that is not inherently fearful produce fear in some people and not in others?

What appears to have happened is anything that occurs repeatedly (or even once if the incident is traumatic enough) at the same time that something else is causing an emotion will itself get conditioned to produce the same emotion.

That’s how making mistakes, being criticized, not meeting expectations, being rejected, and a host of other non-scary situations get conditioned to produce anxiety (or some other emotion, such as anger).

The classic example of this was an experiment a psychologist named Pavlov conducted with dogs. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it gets associated with a stimulus that does produce a response. In other words, the stimulus gets conditioned.

Here’s an example I use with my clients that will make this very clear.  Imagine that I handed you an ice cream cone with one hand and made a fist with my other hand and drew it back as if to hit you.  What would you probably feel? … Some level of anxiety if you thought you might get hit.  Now imagine that the next few times someone handed you an ice cream cone, the same thing happened and you felt anxious each time.

What do you think you would feel the next time you were handed an ice cream cone, even if there was no menacing fist? … Probably anxious.  And yet it’s clear that ice cream cones are not inherently scary.  If this next time there was no fist, only ice cream, why would you feel anxious?  Because the ice cream cone got conditioned to produce fear when it became associated with the fist.  Something was scaring you (the fist) and ice cream just happened to be there every time you got scared by the fist.

Here is a real life example: Consider someone who experiences fear whenever he is asked to do something. When did he first experience fear associated with being asked to do something? Assume the original source of the fear was a father who always yelled, threatened, and terrified the client as a child. No matter what the client did, the father was not satisfied.

When the client reviews the cause of his feeling of fear, he discovers that the fear was not inherent in being asked to do something. What caused the fear was the meaning he unconsciously attributed to his father’s behavior: The person he depended on for his very survival was withdrawing his love. No love, no care; no care, no survival. That is what caused the fear. Can you see that fear is not inherent in not doing things perfectly or, in fact, any other specific thing you do or do not do?

In order to help people get rid of these emotional problems I developed a new process in 1997 that I call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimP).   It is simpler to use than the LBP and usually takes only five to ten minutes to completely de-condition the stimuli that cause such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt.

The Lefkoe Stimulus Process works by helping you to realize that initially “being asked to do something” never produced fear. The original cause of the fear was the meaning you attributed to the way you were asked to do something (the anger that accompanied the request), by someone whose survival you depended on (your father). You associated “being asked to do something” with a loss of love, which ultimately you experienced as “a threat to your survival.”

When the association is broken, when you realize that you made this arbitrary association, the events that got associated (being asked to do something) will no longer cause fear. When you consciously make a distinction between what really caused the feeling initially and the events that happened to be associated with it, the associated events (current stimuli for the feeling) will no longer cause the feeling.

It is important to realize that most of our emotional problems—such as anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness—cannot be eliminated totally merely by eliminating beliefs.  You also have to use the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

Next week’s post will describe additional processes of The Lefkoe Method that you might need to eliminate all your barriers to having the life you’ve always wanted.

Please share below any comments you have on the Lefkoe Belief Process and the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

For most of my life I didn’t want to be me.  In fact, I was so unhappy being me that I wanted to be someone else.  When I was in my twenties I wanted to be Fred Astaire, because I liked the light and joyful sense of life he projected when dancing on screen.  Later in life I didn’t care who else I was as long as it wasn’t me.

During my twenties and thirties I contemplated suicide, evidence of how utterly miserable I was at that time.

Unless you have personally experienced depression it is hard to imagine how debilitating it is.  It is all-encompassing and feels like being in a black hole from which there is no escape. Doing anything at all when you feel so hopeless and helpless is an effort.  Sometimes washing the dishes was my major accomplishment of the day.

I was so afraid of being alone that I put pressure on my two former wives to not leave me, as a result of which I lost both of them.  Like depression, being alone was more painful than I could bear.

Photo credit: worldislandinfo.com

Why am I telling you about how miserable I was for over half my life?  Because so many people today feel the same way.  And because none of those feelings are present in my life today.

I no longer want to be anyone else because I am thrilled with who I am and what I do.  The depression and neediness disappeared many years ago and never resurfaced, even a little bit.  I’ve had a blissful marriage to Shelly for almost 30 years. I live in the “creator” space most of the time, in other words, when I look inside I usually feel that there is nothing missing (although I still have goals, I am not attached to them), anything is possible, and I have no limitations.  I rarely give meaning to events and when I do I am able to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve the meaning in seconds.  In other words, I am totally satisfied with my experience of life and don’t feel the need to change a thing.

Brittany was feeling hopeless

My daughter Brittany was upset the past weekend about an illness that no one has been able to diagnose—a condition that makes her tired, nauseous, and very emotional much of the time.  She was starting to feel that it would never be diagnosed and cured, and that she would have to live with it forever.

So I described to her in detail how horrible my life had been for so many years and how it is today, as I’ve just told you.

I had this conversation with Brittany because I wanted her to realize that no matter how bad things might be right now, you can never make absolute predictions about the future.  And I’m repeating the essence of my conversation with her to you, because no matter how difficult your life might have been so far, that doesn’t mean it can’t turn out to be exactly how you’ve hoped and dreamed it would be.

Even if no doctor has been able to diagnose Brittany so far, that doesn’t mean we won’t find one tomorrow.  And even if all the personal growth courses and workshops haven’t given you the freedom and joy you’ve been seeking thus far, that doesn’t mean that there is nothing out there that ever will.

I’ve talked to a number of people recently who have given up on ever finding a way to get rid of the barriers to a happy and fulfilling life.  After 20 or 30 years of sitting through one course after another, reading one book after another, and going to one therapist after another—none of which resulted in a real change—they feel as if nothing is ever going to work.  And the despair that comes from concluding nothing will ever help them makes whatever problem they started with feel even worse.

My purpose for this blog post is for people whose perspective on life is: “I’d like to be truly happy but probably never will”—to shift to: “It is possible for my life to work—and if I never give up hope it will.”

Obviously I think The Lefkoe Method is one very effective solution.  It worked for me and for tens of thousands of others.  But regardless of what method eventually works for you, don’t ever give up hope that someday it will all turn out and you will achieve the happiness you’ve always imagined was possible.  Don’t allow frustration to destroy your dreams.

I persevered, never gave up hope, and finally created the life I had hoped was possible … and you can too.

Please forward this to anyone you think it might help.

Please share below any comments you have on having the life you’ve always dreamed of.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

We all know people who are “victims”—people who view their lives through the filter: “It’s not my fault. They (or it) did it to me.”  When you understand what the feeling of victimization really is, where it comes from, and how it affects people, you will discover it is even more widespread and debilitating than you might think.

The primary source of feeling like a victim is the feeling of powerlessness and, because we don’t like feeling that we are powerless, we tend to blame someone or something for causing that feeling. So we feel that we are a victim of circumstances or other people’s actions and we can’t do anything about it. Being a victim is experiencing yourself at the effect of something outside yourself.

Photo credit: jillallyn

Thus the single most important belief responsible for the feeling of victimization is I’m powerless. Other beliefs that could underlie this feeling include: I’ll never get what I want, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.

Why feeling victimized is so debilitating

The reason feeling victimized is so debilitating is that it undermines your ability to do anything about your situation.  If you are having difficulties in any area of your life, such as relationships or money, and you experience yourself as powerful and in control of your life, you can devise a strategy to improve your situation.  And if one solution doesn’t work, you can learn from your experience and try again.

But if you have a victim mentality—in other words, if you feel powerless to affect your circumstances—you are likely to feel that the world is “doing it” to you and that there is nothing you can do about it.

That’s why this is one of the most devastating problems you can have: If you have any other problem, but see yourself as responsible for your situation, you have the ability to look for and implement a solution.  If you have the problem of feeling victimized by life or other people, you are less likely to look for and implement a solution because you feel you can’t do anything about your situation.

Most victims can be identified by their conversation, which consists of a lot of “woe is me” and “it’s not my fault” language.  However, there also is the “stoic” victim. Such people do not complain and keep a “stiff upper lip,” but underneath they experience a sense of victimization.  Such people frequently don’t even let themselves know how they are feeling.

So victims are not just people who speak their victimization, but also those who have that experience underneath a veneer of confidence and “Everything’s okay; really it is.”

Typical characteristics of victims

Here are a few other important characteristics of victims:

• People who are victims usually don’t see that the only thing in common between all the people and situations they think they have been victimized by is themselves.

• Victims usually are people you can’t depend on, because they deny responsibility for their actions.  They are quick to blame other people and situations for anything that doesn’t work in their lives.

• Victims don’t have resilience, which is the ability to quickly bounce back after being knocked down.

• Victims generally are passive.

• Victims are usually angry at the people or events they think have “done them wrong,” and underneath the feeling of anger is almost always the feeling of powerlessness.

• Successful people are rarely victims.  One might be able to be a victim and still make money in rare cases, but usually it would be difficult for victims to be successful.  To be successful you need to learn from your mistakes and try again.  Victims are, by definition, people who do not acknowledge responsible for their actions and who blame outside forces.

So if you are a victim or know someone else who is, what can you do to help yourself or the other person?  Fortunately, the source of this problem is similar to the source of almost every other problem: your beliefs. Reality and other people are not causing you to feel like a victim; your beliefs are. Get rid of the beliefs that cause the problem and the feeling of victimization will disappear for good.

Please share below any comments you have on my thoughts about victimization.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/store/natural-confidence.php.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

I wrote about three types of organizational change in my book, Re-create Your Life, many years ago. Let me draw from several passages in that book because the business applications of this distinction should make the personal applications I wrote about last week even clearer.

Organizations, as well as individuals, require all three types of change to be successful.

First order change in an organization consists of improving on what already is. It usually consists of finding ways to do things a little better, faster or easier. It results in incremental improvements consistent with the existing culture of the organization (which is a function of the organization’s beliefs).  You can make a lot of money doing this well.

Second order change consists of creating something totally new. It is characterized by behavior change that requires a new culture.  In other words, the desired behavior is inconsistent with the existing set of beliefs and requires a new set in order to open up the possibility for the desired new behaviors.

An example of this would be a company where certain employees see themselves as “Service Technicians,” for whom fixing and installing equipment is their “real” job and for whom taking care of customers is an imposition. Giving such employees information about the importance of taking care of customers would be useless.  Such information is inconsistent with their existing beliefs about themselves.  They would need to change those beliefs so that they saw themselves as “Customer Satisfiers,” at which point taking care of customers would be natural and normal behavior.

Whereas first order change is incremental and consists of improving what already is, second order change is more fundamental and consists of creating a new set of beliefs that make possible behavior that had been impossible before.

One way to distinguish between a second and third order change organization is that the former creates a new and better culture in which to operate; the latter creates a culture that recognizes that there is no ”right” culture for all times.

A third order organization is always operating from questions rather than answers, such as, What makes sense today?  It is an organization that is willing to question and change its beliefs and culture at all times.

As Eric Hoffer, the San Francisco longshoremen philosopher, once stated: “In a time of drastic change [such as the world is currently experiencing], it is the learners who inherit the future.  The learned find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer remains.” (Emphasis added.)

Continuous improvement is, by definition, a process, not merely a state change.  Second order change substitutes one state for a better one.  An organization committed to continuous improvement requires third order change, which is a process, not merely a state change.

A third order organization would welcome change because change would be its biggest competitive advantage.  First and second order change organizations initially wouldn’t even see changes in the environment as they occurred.  Eventually they would acknowledge the environmental changes and try to deal with them.  They’d start with some first order change.  Eventually some of them might make second order changes.  By then what would have happened to the environment?  It would have changed even more.  Such organizations would never be dealing with the world as it is, moment by moment.  A third order organization would.

No limitations

When I lead workshops to help an organization create itself as a “third order” organization—in other words, an organization that creates third order change on a regular basis—I frequently ask participants: What limitations would a third order organization have?  The answer is always the same: “There wouldn’t be any limitations.”

This is exactly the same experience that individuals have when they distinguish themselves as the “creator” and not merely a “creation.”

Examples of second and third order organizations

It is relatively easy to identify a second order change organization. It usually is doing something totally different from what everyone else in its industry is doing.  Often it is something that everyone else says is impossible.

A good example of such a company is Southwest Airlines, founded by Herb Kelleher.  At a time when everyone in the airline business knew that you couldn’t possibly fly from point to point profitably and that the only way to run an airline was to fly in and out of major “hubs,” Kelleher decided that the conventional wisdom was wrong and created what has become the most profitable and successful airline in the U.S.

He challenged the existing industry beliefs and created a new set of beliefs about running an airline.

It is much harder to identify a third order change organization because it must be watched over time to see if one major challenge to conventional wisdom is followed by another.  In other words, because third order change consists of repeating second order change over and over as the environment demands, you need to observe a company over time to see if it makes fundamental change repeatedly.

One such company appears to be Amazon.  Jeff Bezos started by challenging the notion of retail as requiring physical locations and decided to sell retail over the Internet.  He started with offering a larger selection of books than even the super-sized bookstores with physical locations, such as Barnes and Noble and Border’s, at a substantial discount.

But his next second order change was even bigger than adding a lot more products, it was deciding that if a lot of people were interested in buying digital books, he would manufacture the Kindle, a digital book reader.  Whether he succeeds in the long run or whether the iPad or similar products defeat him is beside the point.  He and Amazon have observed the environment and continued to change as new opportunities arose.  They have created second order change at least twice, which probably makes it a third order change organization.

The relevance of change in business to personal life

How is the distinction between three types of business organizations relevant to personal growth and transformation?  I think the distinction between a second and third order organization is directly applicable to individuals: It is important to not only get rid of existing fears and barriers to action—so as to become a happier, more successful individual—but also to be constantly willing to grow, to learn, to change, to expand as your environment and experience require.

An individual who knows deep within that he is not his creation at any given moment, but the creator of any creation—in other words, someone who does not identify with his creation—would be willing to give up the creation he thinks he is at any given moment when he realizes it doesn’t serve him and create another one.

Second order change is reaching a better destination.  There is nothing at all wrong with that.  Run, don’t walk, to any opportunity to experience second order change.

A third order organization has a culture that holds there is no right way of operating at all times and under all circumstances, and is always open to change.

A third order individual distinguishes himself as the creator who creates his experience of life, minute by minute, always knowing that he is the creator of his creation, not any specific creation.

Please share below any comments you have on first, second, and third order change and my ideas on transformation in business.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

If you’re reading this blog post you probably are interested in transformation. But I suspect that what you mean by transformation is very different from what others mean by the same word.

I’m a member of the Transformational Leadership Council, a group of “transformational” leaders, and I’ll bet if I asked each member what he/she meant by the term transformation we would get almost as many definitions as there are members.

So I would like to suggest a definition of transformation, not as the last word on the subject, but as a starting place for a discussion that I hope you will join after reading this post.

A butterfly emerging from its cocoon. (Photo by Randy Read)

Three types of change

I’d like to start by distinguishing between three very different types of change. Let’s call them first, second, and third order change.  (I got my idea about three types of change from Gregory Bateson’s distinction between three types of learning in his book, Steps to an Ecology of Mind.)

First order change is a change in behavior that is consistent with your existing worldview, your existing beliefs, your existing “creation” (who you think you are). Let me give you an example.  If you believe exercise is good and you like to exercise and you have beliefs that lead you to exercise regularly—and then you learn about a different exercise routine that would be better for your health—you probably would start using the new routine.

First order change is a change in behavior that does not require a change in one’s beliefs, in one’s view of oneself, in one’s “creation.”  It only requires information you didn’t know before.

Second order change is a change in who we think we are in order to  implement a change that is inconsistent with who we think we are.

In an earlier post I made the point that information and motivation usually do not result in change because often information is inconsistent with your belief system.  And in the long run, it is difficult to act inconsistently with your beliefs.

So if we believe exercise is not necessary, that we don’t have time for it (because it is way down on our list of values), and that it is not fun, then learning about a new exercise or even learning that exercise is good for our health probably will not result in us using the new information we have gotten about exercising.

In order for that to happen, we need to change something about ourselves, probably our beliefs about exercise.

Second order change is a shift in your worldview, your beliefs, your “creation”—that opens up new possibilities for new actions that weren’t possible before.

If second order change is changing from one creation (our overall view of who we think we are) to a different creation, then third order change is being able to distinguish yourself as the creator of your creation. As such you have the ability to create a new creation at any time, which would create new possibilities and make any new information useable.

Categorizing offerings from the Lefkoe Institute

When I take a look at what we at the Lefkoe Institute offer people, I would say that my blog and most of my videos are representative of first order change.  In other words, they provide information that will be useful and used by people who already have certain beliefs and will not be used (or even understood) by people with different beliefs.

If second order change consists of changing your beliefs and your “creation,” then the processes that eliminate beliefs and conditionings on all of our streaming video and DVD packages and in our one-on-one sessions provide second order change.

For example, in the Natural Confidence program you change from someone with a low level of self-confidence to someone with a high level of self-confidence.  You also change from someone who is concerned about what others think of you to someone who is no longer concerned with what others think of you.

In fact, whenever you eliminate even one belief, you are changing your creation.  You can see possibilities for your life that you couldn’t see before and you can do and feel things you couldn’t do and feel before.

To make this real, ask yourself what are the possibilities for a nurturing, long-term relationship for someone with the beliefs: I’m not lovable, relationships don’t work, men/women can’t be trusted.  And what are the possibilities for someone with the opposite beliefs: I am lovable, relationships can work, and men/women can be trusted?  Can you get how changing a few beliefs can drastically shift your sense of yourself and change the possibilities in your life?

Helping people stop their emotional eating using the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process is another example of a second order change program.  Who you think you are changes from someone with an eating problem to someone who no longer has that eating problem.  For someone who struggles daily with the problem of overeating, being able to totally eliminate that problem is not a negligible thing.  This second order change program is life-changing.  So I am not minimizing second order change programs.

So what is an example of a third order change program?  The Who Am I Really? (WAIR?) Process, which is offered on all our streaming video and DVDs packages, and is a part of most of our one-on-one sessions, enables you to experience yourself as the creator of your creation.  In that state you profoundly experience that you are not merely any given creation, you are the creator of all of them.

Our new Occurring Course is a good example of a third order change program because you learn how to change your experience of life at will by dissolving what you had thought was reality (in other words, how reality was occurring for you) and be left facing naked reality, without any meaning attached to it.  Learning how to use the Lefkoe Occurring Process (LOP) in this course enables you to shift how you experience life, to eliminate negative feelings in moments, and to create a host of new possibilities for your life.

Interestingly enough, using the LOP to dissolve your “occurrings” usually puts you into the same “creator state” as the WAIR? Process, where you experience no limitations and unlimited possibilities. In this altered state of consciousness you experience yourself as the creator of your life, not as a specific creation.

All three types of change can be extremely valuable

 Getting information you did not have before that you are able to use to improve your life can make a profound impact on your life (first order change).

Shifting your experience of yourself from one creation to another and creating new possibilities for your life that did not exist before can make a profound impact on your life (second order change).

And distinguishing yourself as the creator of your life—as opposed to a specific creation—and being able to change your experience of yourself and life at will can make a profound impact on your life (third order change).

So classifying change and programs that produce change into three categories is not at all meant to diminish one type or exalt another.  All are different and each can be useful in different situations.

However, I suggest that the term “transformation” be reserved for the third type of change.  This is change that results in you distinguishing yourself as the changer and not that which is being changed, that empowers you to initiate continued change on your own, and that enables you to create your experience of life moment by moment.

Please share below any comments you have on first, second, and third order change and my ideas on transformation.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, please check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

I am often asked: Can the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) be used to help children eliminate beliefs?

My answer is that it depends on the child: Is the child able to deal with the abstractions of the process?  If the child can, then the LBP should work.  One trick is to simplify some of the steps and use language that can be understood by a younger child.  I did that when we did our study with incarcerated offenders and the LBP was effective with teens as young as 14 to 15 years old.  Since then Shelly has used the LBP with several children 12 or 13 years old, who presented a wide variety of problems including ADD and ADHD.

The very youngest child who was ever successful with the LBP was my daughter Blake when she was only six years old.  I am going to summarize my conversation with her at that time because you will see how easy it can be to use the LBP with young children. (By the way, you’ll see from this example how easy it can be to use the LBP with adults when you know the belief and the source of the belief.)

On many occasions, Shelly and I had taken Blake to fairs and shows where there were hundreds of people and she usually enjoyed herself at these events. One Saturday we took her to a school that was having games, face painting, and a lot of other activities for kids. We had been inside only a few minutes when Blake screamed and exclaimed, “I’m scared! I want to leave!”

“What’s wrong?” we asked her.

“I don’t know. I’m just scared. I want to leave,” she repeated.

We tried to find out what was scaring her, but she didn’t know. The closest she could come to an answer was that there were a lot of people there. I reminded her that she had never before been afraid of crowds. What was it about this crowd that was so scary? She didn’t know. When we realized that the fear wasn’t going away, we left.

When we got home I sat down with Blake and asked, “Do you remember that Mommy and Daddy talk about the work we do with people in our sessions? How we help them with things that bother them in their lives?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like me to try to help you figure out what is scaring you? You’ve never been scared of crowds before.”

“Okay,” she said solemnly.

I started to help her identify the belief. Blake named it almost immediately. “Crowds are dangerous.”

“Okay, what happened that gave you that idea?”

She didn’t pause even for a minute. “Remember when we went to the Italian street fair? Remember the lady who burned me with the cigarette?”

I certainly did remember. The fair had been mobbed; we could barely walk. We had been there for only a few minutes when Blake had screamed in pain. A woman had walked by her, swinging a lighted cigarette in her hand, and had hit Blake’s arm with it. The woman then turned around, yelled at Blake, “Watch where you’re going!” and walked away. Fortunately the burn wasn’t bad and we had stayed for another couple of hours.

“So did you decide crowds are dangerous based on your experience at that fair?”

“Yes.”

“I can see why you decided that. It made a lot of sense to conclude that. A lot of people would have said the same thing, honey. Now we’re going to play a little game. What else could explain what happened to you other than what you said? It really could be that crowds are dangerous. But what else would explain what happened?”

She wasn’t sure what I meant, so I said, “For example, that fair was dangerous, but maybe not all other fairs will be dangerous.”

She got into the spirit of the game. I gave one interpretation, then she gave one:

* That woman didn’t care if she hurt you, but other women would.

* People carrying lighted cigarettes can hurt me; people without cigarettes won’t.

* That person wasn’t careful with her cigarette, but most people would be.

* I’ll get hurt at some crowded places, not others.

* The crowd at that fair was dangerous; other crowds wouldn’t be.

* I’ll get hurt at fairs, but not other crowded places.

* People who are not careful with lighted cigarettes are dangerous, not crowds.

Blake was having fun with the alternative interpretations part of the LBP.

“Okay, honey,” I said, “can you see that it made sense for you to conclude when you got burned that crowds are dangerous, but that there are a lot of other explanations for what happened?”

She understood what I was saying. She nodded.

I looked directly into her eyes and asked, “Didn’t it seem, at the fair, right after you got burned, that you saw right in front of you that crowds are dangerous and that you’ll get hurt?”

“Yes, that’s what I saw.”

“Is it clear now, honey, that you didn’t see that, you only imagined that? You did see one woman burn you, but you never saw with your eyes that all crowds are dangerous. Did you?”

“I know what you mean, Daddy, I didn’t see it. I only thought it.”

I had hoped the LBP would work with Blake, but despite her ability to deal with abstractions that she had shown in many conversations we had had previously, I still wasn’t sure she’d be able to do the LBP.  But she had. This was the first time I had worked with a really young child and she had used the LBP to eliminate a belief that could have negatively impacted the rest of her life.  I was really excited about the possibilities, but first I had to finish with Blake.

“Do you still believe that crowds are dangerous?

“No,” she said, smiling.

“Could you imagine being in a crowd that wasn’t dangerous?”

“Yes, I could, daddy.”

P.S.  The next time we went to a fair Blake experienced no fear and had a great time.

Using the LBP with children won’t always work, but you have nothing to lose if you try.  And if you succeed, you’ll be saving the child from a lifetime of fear, anxiety, etc.

Please share below any comments you have on using the LBP with children.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

We are almost ready to submit an article to a major peer-reviewed journal based on a just-completed independent university study of The Lefkoe Method and it made me realize that I’ve never blogged about our two prior studies.

All three studies are exciting because very few people in the personal growth area have ever submitted their work to independent researchers at a major institution and encouraged them to study their products and services.

We have now done this three times and each time the results proved that The Lefkoe Method (TLM) does make significant changes in people’s lives.

The first study with incarcerated offenders

The first study was conducted in 1995 with incarcerated offenders, both adults and teens, just before they were released. The purpose of the study was: “We propose to examine the efficacy of the Decision Maker^® Process [since renamed the Lefkoe Belief Process] as an intervention to improve self-esteem, enhance an internal locus of control, and to reduce hostility, social alienation and anti-social behavior in eight incarcerated criminals.”

What were the results?  Here is the conclusion drawn by Dr. Lee Sechrest, Professor Emeritus at the University of Arizona and the chief researcher:

“The simplest, and we think fairly compelling conclusion, is that the intervention resulted in generally favorable changes in self-concept in the Experimental group [the group that eliminated beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief process] and that without intervention, self-concepts would likely have deteriorated during confinement….

“All in all, this little experiment has to be regarded as a fairly remarkable success.  Certainly it justifies efforts to carry out further testing to determine whether the changes observed can be dependably produced.  If they can, the DM Process [the Lefkoe Belief Process] could have definite promise in helping young male offenders mend their ways.”

His comments, which were cloaked in academic jargon, don’t come close to revealing the effects of our first research attempt.  Here are a few statements from subjects at the end of the study:

“Last weekend I went home and was with my buddies.  They all carry guns and I felt like going home to get mine.  Normally I would have gone and gotten it.  Instead I just left.  I had gone with them deliberately just to see what I would do.  In the future I don’t plan to hang out with these guys anymore.”

“I no longer ‘rank’ on my little brother when I go home.  Now I feel like I’m getting healthy.  I’m going back to school and getting a high school diploma.  I can get somewhere.  You gave me a boost to get somewhere.  I don’t even think about selling drugs anymore.”

“I’m not straining like I used to.  I’m not self-destructive anymore.  It doesn’t feel like I have to bite the bullet.  My life used to be very strange, scary.  I was afraid life would be a bore.  I needed drugs to keep life from being boring.  Always lived for the moment.  None of this is true anymore.”

“I had thought about a career in drug and alcohol abuse counseling, but I liked easy money so I stayed selling drugs and never pursued it.  I never thought about the possible consequences of selling drugs: getting killed, prison, etc.  Before there was no worry, no fear.  Now I am aware of what I have to lose if I go back to negative ways of thinking and acting.  I used to solve all my problems with ‘F— it!’  Now money is not the greatest issue, happiness is.”

The second study with people who feared public speaking

Our first study was conducted with a few subjects and really was only a pilot.  But the results were impressive enough to get Dr. Sechrest to agree to conduct another study in 2006.  The purpose of this second study was to determine if The Lefkoe Method could totally eliminate the fear of public speaking.

The results of this study were published in a peer-reviewed journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy and stated:

“The large, positive changes on all outcome measures subsequent to treatment give strong support to the claim of efficacy of the TLM for reducing fear associated with speaking in public. … The TLM resulted in substantial decreases or complete eliminations of fear, accompanied by positive changes in confidence and reduced negative sensations felt during speaking in public in the experimental group. Overall, the TLM appears to have potential as an effective, quick, and convenient procedure to eliminate the fear of speaking in public.” (Emphasis added.)

Specifically, the mean level of fear for subjects before they used TLM at the start of the study was 7, with 1 being no anxiety at all and 10 being extreme fear.  After eliminating the relevant beliefs and conditionings, the mean level for fear was 1.5.

In a follow up six months later, the fear level was still only 1.9.

The third study is finally complete

The latest study, also conducted at the University of Arizona but by different researchers, is finally complete after over a year’s worth of testing.

We compared a group of people who purchased our Natural Confidence program (which eliminates 19 of the most common beliefs and 4 of the most common conditionings) with a group of students who used the same program, a group of people who used a Tony Robbins CD program, and with a control group.  We then compared the effects we found with those found in several different studies that used the same measures we did to evaluate the impact of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

The results, which I will not reveal until they have been peer-reviewed by experts in the field (this is standard practice in science), support most of the claims we have been making for TLM and Natural Confidence.  We observed significant improvements in virtually everything we measured, including improvements of almost 50% in one area.

I look forward to sharing specific results as soon as our work has been peer-reviewed and the journal article is published.

We want to conduct more studies

At this point we would like to initiate a number of other studies.

• I would like to validate our experience that emotional eating can be totally stopped in a matter of hours, despite the fact that nothing else has ever been able to do that.
• I want to prove that TLM can totally “cure” a number of specific psychological problems, such as social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression.
• I want to investigate and learn more about the profound results that have been produced during the Occurring Courses.
• And finally I would like independent evidence to prove that each of our programs does what we claim it to do, such as get rid of the fear of rejection, stop worrying about what people think of you, stop the little voice in your head that is often so critical of you, and end procrastination.

I have several reasons for wanting to get as many studies as we can get.

First, hardly anyone else in the personal growth field is willing to submit their work to independent researchers to see if their claims can be validated.  (The Hoffman Process is a notable exception.) We not only welcome it, we are actively seeking researchers to work with TLM.

Second, the only way to get the licensed psychotherapists to take The Lefkoe Method seriously and start to use it with their clients is to prove its effectiveness in controlled research studies.  We could help additional millions of people if TLM became an acceptable technique for psychotherapists.

And finally, the biggest problem the Lefkoe Institute has in getting people to try its products and services is skepticism: Many people have a hard time believing that beliefs can be permanently eliminated in a matter of minutes and problems that have existed for years can be permanently eliminated in a matter of a few hours.  Studies from independent researchers that prove our claims to be true might help to overcome this skepticism.

Please share below any comments you have on our research studies.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/store/natural-confidence.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

I’m beginning to think that the ability to dissolve our “occurrings” is almost as important to living a happy and successful life as the ability to eliminate beliefs.

Late last year I wrote several posts about the important distinction between reality and how reality occurs for us. Few people are aware of this distinction and even fewer are able to continually make this distinction throughout the day and then dissolve all their “occurrings.”

Let me briefly explain what I mean by the distinction between reality and how it “occurs” for us for those of you who haven’t read my earlier posts (see December 15, 22, 29, 2009) or seen my video explanation (http://occurringcourse.com/how-occurring-works/).  An example of “reality” is losing your job.  One possible “occurring” for that reality is a sense of victimization, a sense of disaster.  This occurring would result in feelings of despair and helplessness.  A different occurring might be: Being fired is an opportunity to discover what I really want to do with my life and then do it.  This occurring would result in feeling challenged and excited.  Neither occurring is the same as the literal event.

Earlier this year I offered a tele-seminar during which I taught 20 participants how to easily and continuously make the distinction between reality and how it occurs for us.  They also learned how to quickly dissolve how reality was occurring for them, so that they were left with nothing but reality.

How we experience our lives moment-to-moment is largely the result of how events and people occur for us.  So the ability to dissolve that occurring gives us the power to create our experience of life.  To make this clear, let me quote some of the participants in my current course who are mastering the art of dissolving their occurrings.  Here’s one:

I’ve also noticed that I no longer feel the need to defend my position when criticized or when faced with someone whose point of view is different from my own. I can listen to what is being said, without feeling as if one person is wrong and the other is right. The dissolving [of my occurrings] is instantaneous in most of these situations. I feel as if this makes it possible for me to genuinely learn from the other person’s perspective, where in the past, I’d have shut out what he or she had to say, focusing only on defending my point of view.

Here’s another:

One very positive thing to report: When I [dissolve my occurring] … the effect is very profound. I feel very relaxed. My thinking is clearer.  … Using the occurring process to identify what’s going on helps a great deal. I feel more energetic and clear-headed. I feel more present and “in the moment.”

And finally:

Petty arguments are decreasing because I am dissolving the occurring before it gets blown out of proportion. As a result I am feeling more confident and calmer throughout the day. I am also pointing out the reality in situations my oldest son is going through and he is beginning to grasp what I’m saying.

How you benefit from dissolving your occurring

There are several important advantages to being able to realize that how an event is occurring for you is the result of the meaning you are giving reality and is not reality itself, and then being able to dissolve the occurring.

First, because all negative feelings come from the meaning we have assigned meaningless events, by dissolving our occurring (meaning) we can totally eliminate negative feelings quickly on the spot.

As someone shared in my course:

Some things are dissolving either instantly or very quickly; I’ve noticed that more and more, that pleasantly calm, neutral feeling is becoming my default setting.

Second, because how reality occurs for us is how we think reality really is, it determines our behavior.  If we think someone is being nasty to us, uncaring, out to hurt us, etc., that occurring will lead us to be defensive and angry with that person.  And that will usually result in arguments and other types of unpleasantness.  Dissolving the occurring will dissolve the ground from which arguments grow.   Distinguishing between the meaning you are giving someone’s behavior and the behavior itself will enhance your relationships with people

As someone else shared in my course:

I am noticing that I am able to look at reality without any filter, which has enhanced my relationships with my husband and sons.

Another bonus is that when my husband says something that “hurt” in the past it is no longer “hurtful” because I do the distinguishing before I respond. This practice has nipped several potentially volatile situations in the bud.

Third, because it is easy to create positive meanings for events after you have dissolved the initial negative meaning (occurring), you are able to create positive emotions in your life almost at will.

We had to move recently and the event initially occurred to me as a problem: It would take us about a month to pack and another few weeks to unpack.  I immediately realized that I could hold the move as a problem or a great opportunity.  I choose the latter and, as a result, the event occurred to me as something very exciting and filled with opportunities.

As a result I did not resent the packing and unpacking.  And after being in our new house for less than a week I realized that having to move was the best thing that could have happened to us because our new home is so much nicer than our old home.

Fourth, more often than not with a little practice, clearly distinguishing between reality and how it is occurring for you will put you into a state where you have the profound experience that anything is possible and that nothing is missing.  This is the experience that results when you use my Who Am I Really? Process.

Fifth, because how reality occurs for us is how we think reality really is, our occurrings limit the possibilities that we are able to see.  If you lose your job and that occurs for you as a disaster, as a serious problem, as unfair, etc., your feelings and the way you view “your” reality will make it difficult to find a solution.  Looking only at the bare facts, namely you lost your job and now you need to find a way to make a living, you are more likely to be able to think clearly and discover possibilities you hadn’t seen before.

Sixth, and perhaps most importantly, you can easily dissolve the occurring of victimization, which is the biggest barrier we have to having our life be all that we want it to be.  If I’m a victim of someone or something, then I can’t be responsible for my life.  And if that’s the case, why even try?

At present I am only able to teach about occurring in a tele-seminar.  My goal is to figure out how to turn it into a CD course someday, but at present I don’t know how to do that. But five years ago I had no idea how to help people eliminate beliefs on-line and on DVDs.  And now over 60,000 have.

Please share below any comments you have on my thoughts on the value of distinguishing reality from how reality occurs for us and how to dissolve those occurrings.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/store/natural-confidence.php.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Thank you very much for the overwhelming response to my request last week for blog topics. The questions that seem to have universal appeal I will answer in my weekly blog.  Comments and questions that deal with specific personal issues I will respond to directly as soon as possible.

This week I will answer a question I hear frequently in various forms:  What should I do to get what I want?

To begin with, there is no single “right” way to accomplish anything.  What works for some people, won’t necessarily work for others.  And what is effective today, won’t necessarily be effective tomorrow.

Personal qualities determine success

One common technique people use to figure out how to achieve their goals is to copy the behavior of successful people. Unfortunately, more often than not that technique doesn’t work.  Why?

Because successful people are successful because of who they are, not merely what they do.  Obviously they do things, but their doing is a function of their being, not a function of “rules for success.”

So what “are” successful people?  In Success Built to Last, by Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, a must-read book about what is in common among over 200 “enduringly successful people,” the authors offer a definition of success based on what these people told them: “ … a life and work that brings personal fulfillment and lasting relationships and makes a difference in the world in which they live.”

I like what the book’s authors say about the conventional definition of success:  “Folks who chase a fantastic but vain hope for fame, wealth, and power—for its own sake—may even achieve it, only to become miserable and pathetic people.  … we think that the current definition of success is a potentially toxic prescription for your life and work.  It is a description that makes you feel more like a failure than a success if it’s the standard against which all meaning in your life is measured.”

Let me quote a few more passages from this book that describe these enduringly successful people so you can discover who these people are, rather than what they do.

These people “insist that success may never come without a compelling personal commitment to something you care about and would be willing to do, with or without counting on wealth, fame, power, or public acceptance as an outcome.”

“What you do must matter deeply to you ….  It’s something that you’re so passionate about that you lose all track of time when you do it.  … In fact, you could not be paid to not do it.”

Another essential element is “a highly developed sense of accountability, audacity, passion, and responsible optimism. …  Steve Jobs told us in an interview back before his famous ad campaign: Enduringly successful people ‘think different.’” (Emphasis added.)

They welcome failure

One of the most important qualities of these enduringly successful people is that they “drone on endlessly about learning from their mistakes. … Every experience teaches something.  They don’t use a weakness or a setback to distrust themselves.  … The question is not whether or not they won this round, but what do they do with the feedback. … [They] find it irresistible to try, fail, improve; they try again, fail again, and get even better.”  (Emphasis added.)

Although these people probably worked more hours a day than most people are willing to, they were not successful because they worked harder than others or even because they knew better than others what to do.  They operated out of their passion and commitment to make a difference.  They didn’t care what others thought.  They courted failure as a way to learn what to do better the next time.

What these people have in common is an absence of the negative beliefs that would cause them to fear failure and need acceptance, personal qualities that stop most people. “They just tolerate the risks, feel the fear, take the brick-bats, learn from failure, and do what matters to them anyway.”

Implement what emerges

But, you might still be asking:  What is their standard for deciding what to do?  With their vision and commitment as a context, their actions are driven by their answer to the question: What behavior is appropriate to further my passion?  They do whatever is appropriate at the moment, i.e., their behavior is a function of their vision and commitment, not something copied from others or from a list of “best practices.”

They take advantage of what emerges, moment by moment. You see, when you live your passion, you are always looking for how to manifest it in the world.  As opportunities emerge, act on them.  Some opportunities will prove fruitful.  Build on them.  Some won’t.  Learn from them.

Are you willing to do what’s necessary?

Are you starting to get a sense that people who are successful over a long period of time are not like most people? If you really want to be like these people, here are a few tips.  Are you committed enough to use them?

1.  Get rid of any negative beliefs and conditionings that impair your confidence, that have you worry about what others think, that have you act to gain “their” approval, and that have you fear failure and rejection.

2. Get in touch with who you really are, namely, the consciousness that always was and always will be.  In my terms, the creator of your creation.  You can use my “Who Am I Really?” Process to help you experience this state, where you also will experience on a very deep level that life has “already turned out” and that material success is not required for true success.

3. Discover what you are passionate about.  A book written by two friends of mine that should be helpful is The Passion Test, by Janet and Chris Attwood.

4.  Have your life be about living your passion and making a contribution to others.  Put more of your focus on the journey than on the destination.

5.  Learn how to distinguish between reality and how reality “occurs” to you, and then dissolve your occurring.  Because events as such have no meaning, they can never cause any feelings, including fear, the biggest roadblock to taking action.  So learning how to dissolve your occurring and deal only with unvarnished reality will enable you to banish fear from your life. (See http://occurringcourse.com/how-occurring-works/ for more details on “occurring.”)

If you do all of this, who knows, you might be featured in the next edition of Success Built to Last.

Please share below any comments you have on my thoughts on what you should do to get what you want.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase a DVD program that I guarantee to help you significantly improve your confidence and also eliminate the major day-to-day problems that most people face, check out http://recreateyourlife.com/store/natural-confidence.php.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Every week I sit down at my computer and ask myself: What should I write about that would be useful for you, my readers?

I usually choose a topic based on

• what I think you would like to learn,
• what I think would be useful for you to learn,
• my own experiences that I think you will find useful,
• general things about TLM that I think will be useful, etc.

I also want my posts to be consistent with our mission: To significantly improve the quality of life on the planet by having people recreate their lives and live as the unlimited possibilities they are.

My posts average about 1200 words and are written over the course of 3-4 days. I usually write a draft on Thursday or Friday and then make at least 5-10 complete edits over the next few days, posting on Tuesday. I spend about two to three hours total each week writing my blog post, except on complicated subjects like last’s week post on emotional eating, when I spent about five hours.

This week I want to devote this space to asking you if there is any specific topic that you would like me to write about.  What would you like to know that would make a real difference in your life?  Obviously anything I write about will be in the framework of The Lefkoe Method.

To see what topics I’ve covered already, here is a link to a table of contents for all of my posts thus far.  If you’ve just started visiting my blog, there are a lot of really interesting posts from the past couple of years that are worth reading.  I’ve included links in case you missed any of them or would like to revisit any that look interesting to you. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/table-of-contents/

Please tell me in the comments section below what you would like me to write about in the future.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Would you like to eliminate the core beliefs that keep you from having all the success you desire? Click here. http://recreateyourlife.com/store/natural-confidence.php

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

When I first started helping clients whose major complaint was emotional eating—eating for emotional reasons when they really weren’t hungry—I assumed that the problem was caused by beliefs and conditioning, like most other behavioral or emotional problems.

But when all the beliefs and conditionings that appeared to be relevant had been eliminated, the problem usually was as bad as ever. At which point I went back to the drawing board.

I knew all about “classical” conditioning, in which a stimulus is conditioned to produce a behavioral or emotional response. So rejection or making a mistake can be conditioned to produce anxiety. Or being told what to do can be conditioned to produce anger. This type of conditioning was demonstrated by Pavlov’s dogs who were conditioned to salivate by the ringing of a bell. The Lefkoe Stimulus Process can easily de-condition this type of conditioning. But that type of conditioning didn’t seem relevant for emotional eating, which involves a behavior that seems compulsive.

There is another type of conditioning called “operant” conditioning. This type of conditioning is the result of rewarding or punishing a behavior. As a result you become conditioned to act in a certain way in order to achieve the “reward” or avoid the punishment. Merely desiring the reward results in the behavior.

In an earlier blog post about eating (October 13, 2009) I pointed out:

“… if every time you got upset as a child your mom gave you food to make you feel better, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you got upset in order to feel better.

“Or, if your parents continually rewarded you for special things you did as a child by giving you a special meal with the food you really liked, you could get conditioned to eat whenever you wanted to feel acknowledged for something you did.”

I finally realized that almost all emotional eating involves both types of conditioning.

So in order to help people with an emotional eating problem, I had to create a process that would easily, quickly, and permanently de-condition both “classical” and “operant” conditioning.

I started working on a process in 1997 and it took six revisions over the next 11 years before I finally had something that worked in most situations. I call it the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process (LDP) and I’ll describe how it works in a minute. The reason it took so long is that I wasn’t working with many individual clients and, even more importantly, the problems presented by the clients I did have didn’t need operant de-conditioning.

Then toward the end of last year a friend asked me to help him with his eating problem. I decided then to figure out how to permanently eliminate emotional eating, not just for him, but for others as well. So I worked with him and a few additional clients. Much to my surprise, in most cases there were very few beliefs involved. Their emotional eating was caused primarily by a combination of classical and operant conditioning. No wonder emotional eating has been so hard to stop and will power is so useless in the long run!

Consider this: first someone with an emotional eating problem conditions eating to produce emotional “rewards” (relieving anxiety or any other negative feeling, feeling loved, a sense of celebration, feeling calm, etc). In other words, the mere act of eating automatically results in emotional rewards. This classical conditioning would make it difficult enough to stop over-eating.

Then the problem is intensified by operant conditioning, where the behavior is conditioned to occur whenever there is a desire for the “reward.” In other words, merely desiring one of the emotional rewards (such as feeling loved, a sense of celebration, or feeling calm) will result in emotional eating, because you’ve learned that you’ll get this feeling each time you eat.

Behavior is conditioned by attributing need to a behavior that is not really needed. There is a shift from a behavior that occurred and then was arbitrarily rewarded, to a behavior that now occurs automatically and compulsively whenever you desire the reward (even if there is punishment following the behavior, such as gaining undesirable weight).

Operant conditioning is the emotional equivalent of a belief: You have the emotional sense that the behavior in question is the only way to get what you want. It’s like an emotional, rather than a cognitive, conclusion.

I now have four clients who say that their emotional eating has stopped completely as a result of all the de-conditioning they have done using the LDP.

One client reports that he hasn’t eaten except when he was actually hungry for over five months. And he doesn’t need to use will power; he just doesn’t feel like eating most of the time.

Another client wrote me:

“This is a terrific victory to not feeling compelled to eat all of the time. I actually have half bags of chips and cookies that I have had opened for several weeks—I have no desire for them now. It is wonderful.”

And another:

“I think about some really good homemade food in the fridge that I would normally pig out on and I just blow it off and think ‘Great. I’ll have that WHEN I AM HUNGRY.’ It is awesome to not be controlled by food.”

Here is a specific example from a client’s files that makes clear how this type of conditioning is created. One of the common emotional eating “sub-patterns” is “eating in order to experience love.” (Emotional eating is not a single problem, but the desire for 8-12 different emotional rewards, each of which lead to emotional eating.) This woman fed herself when she wasn’t feeling loved and wanted to feel loved.

As a child she frequently visited her grandmother, who always cooked a big meal for her and her family. As a little girl she experienced being loved by her grandmother when she ate everything on her plate.

So she got rewarded (she felt loved) when she ate. As a result she would feel loved whenever she ate. This is classical conditioning. And eating became conditioned so that she then compulsively ate whether she was hungry or not whenever she wanted to experience being loved. This is operant conditioning.

The Lefkoe De-conditioning Process includes what the Lefkoe Stimulus process does, namely it de-conditions stimuli so they no longer result in emotional responses. For example, eating will no longer produce positive emotional responses (other than satisfying hunger or enjoying the taste of food). In other words, eating will no longer produce the “rewards” it had produced in the past. In addition the LDP de-conditions the behavior so that merely desiring the emotional reward no longer automatically and compulsively leads to eating.

The essence of what makes the LDP so effective is having the client experience that she wanted the “reward” (e.g., feeling loved), not what got rewarded (e.g., eating). In other words, you want to get rid of loneliness or boredom, you don’t want to eat. It’s just that the eating produced that reward earlier in life. You want to numb your pain, you don’t want alcohol or drugs. It’s just that alcohol or drugs numbed you out earlier in life. You want attention, you don’t want to be sick. It’s just that being ill earlier in life got you attention. The client realizes that the reward is not contingent only on that particular behavior, but can be found in other ways.

When people use the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process to make these and other distinctions, both types of conditioning are de-conditioned. And the unwanted behavior stops. Permanently.

I’m really excited about these two breakthroughs. First, I developed a new theory that totally explains emotional eating: It is not a single problem but 8-12 different “rewards” that you eat to gain, and the emotional eating itself is caused both by classical and operant conditioning.

The second breakthrough is a single process that quickly, easily, and permanently de-conditions both conditionings.

If you’d like more information about how you can stop emotional eating or how the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process works, please contact me either at 415-884-0552 or morty (at) lefkoeinstitute.com.

Please share any comments you have on the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process and how it can help people with eating issues and other conditioning problems.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://recreateyourlife.com/store/.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

After posting on my blog a couple of weeks ago about how I felt totally safe to experience and express the love I felt for people at the Transformational Leadership Council meeting, but not most of the time away from TLC, I received the following comment:

If you are the creator of the Natural Confidence program and I’m assuming you removed all the beliefs and conditionings on that program, then how could you not feel as safe expressing your love with anyone you run into? Please explain. Thank you.

Here was my reply.

I’ve not only eliminated all the beliefs on that program, I’ve eliminated a couple of hundred more.  But each issue or problem in our lives is caused by a different set of beliefs and conditionings.

And so while I’ve gotten rid of my depression and my neediness and my concern with the opinion of others, etc., I have still not handled every issue in my life. And not feeling safe to express love all the time is one of the issues I still have to work on.

And I plan to see what beliefs are causing that in the next week or so and getting this issue handled.

Thanks for asking.

Regards, Morty

I did work on this issue as I said I would and here is what I discovered.

I couldn’t find any relevant beliefs, but I did find two different types of conditioning.

Here’s how I identified the first one.  There is some low level of anxiety when I feel people are “not there” when I talk to them, when I feel they are not “fully present,” or when I don’t feel fully accepted.

The source of this conditioning was how my mom frequently acted when I was a kid.  She divorced when I was only three and struggled being a single mom with no money.  As a result of her constant stress and anxiety, and her frequent hysterical outbursts, I had a sense that she wasn’t really “with me” much of the time we were together and frequently felt rejected.

Feeling that my mom was not fully present or was rejecting me when I was very young meant to me that she didn’t love me, which meant I could be abandoned, which meant I would die, which caused my the anxiety.  So people not being fully present with me or withdrawn from me got conditioned to cause anxiety.  I eliminated this conditioning with the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.

The second conditioning required me to use a different process, the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process.  This conditioning arose as follows:  Because I felt fear when it seemed my mother seemed to be withdrawn from me, I shut down my body and my feelings to keep from feeling anxiety in that situation. Because the anxiety  diminished when I shut down, shutting down became a conditioned response.

In other words, when a behavior is rewarded (in this case, the anxiety stopped), the behavior gets conditioned.  In order to not feel fear when I feel people are not fully present around me, or when I don’t feel safe around them for any reason, my body and emotions shut down.   I eliminated this conditioning with the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process.

I think the issue is handled, but I’ll watch carefully over the next few weeks.  If there are any traces of the old behavior pattern, I’ll look to see what beliefs or other conditioning might still exist.  I am really looking forward to being able to “be myself” and experience and express my love for people without regard to how other people are acting.

For more details on the first type of conditioning please see two earlier blog posts, on 050509 and 032310.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on my difficulties   experiencing and expressing love in certain types of situations and how I dealt with that problem.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

For many years I had asked myself the questions: What is the real source of our negative emotions? Why do so many things cause fear in our lives that aren’t inherently scary? And why do some people experience negative emotions while other people don’t in similar situations?

About eight years ago I wrote a paper for myself on the source of negative emotions. Today’s post is a summary of that paper. I think you’ll find some fascinating material here and I’m excited to get your responses and start a conversation.

* * *

What is an emotion?

An emotion is the experiential, chemical, and neuro‑physiological response a conscious being has to a stimulus. (I am concerned here only with negative emotions in human beings.)

If specific emotions were created by specific stimuli, then a particular stimulus would produce the same emotion in every person. In fact, different people have varied emotional responses to the same stimulus.

Then what does cause emotions? Except for stimuli that are explicit threats to our physical survival, stimuli themselves do not have inherent meaning for adults. The meaning adults give to events is what triggers emotions. On the other hand, certain events can have inherent meaning for children.

A specific stimulus is a necessary condition for an emotion, but not a sufficient condition. An additional condition that has to be present is a meaning given to the meaningless stimulus—that entails either a threat to survival, or a sense of powerlessness or helplessness that is indirectly, but ultimately related to a threat to survival.

Thus for adults to experience a negative emotion, they require either (1) beliefs that cause a stimulus to be experienced as a threat to their survival or beliefs that produce a sense of powerlessness or helplessness; and/or, (2) conditioning, that occurred in childhood, that links a stimulus and an emotion together. (Phobias also are the result of conditioning, but that conditioning can occur later in life when there is a perceived threat to one’s survival.)

(If all negative emotions ultimately can be traced to a threat to one’s survival, then the ultimate source of negative emotions is the belief/perception that we are a separate creation, a thing, whose survival really is at stake. If that is the case, perhaps all positive emotions can be traced to a feeling of inclusiveness, wholeness, a lack of separation—to the recognition that who we really are is a non-dual consciousness whose survival can never be at stake.)

It is a child’s inherent dependency on others that makes it possible for him to directly experience a threat to his survival in the face of certain stimuli. Children also experience powerlessness and helplessness and these experiences are directly related to a sense that their survival is at stake.

The Cause of Specific Negative Emotions

Fear is our emotional response to something that we interpret to be a direct threat to our physical well‑being. All other negative emotions are the result of interpreting events as a threat to our mental/emotional well‑being. They are our response to something that is an indirect threat to our physical well‑being, namely, something that makes us feel powerless. Specifically, negative emotions other than fear are our response to something that is a threat to our efficacy, our “okayness,” our ability to act on our own behalf to do what is necessary to survive.

To summarize what we’ve seen thus far: the perception that something is a threat to our survival causes fear. The experience of powerlessness, the inability to take the actions necessary to survive, is the source of all the other “negative” emotions. (Guilt is the only exception, which is more directly related to fear, as explained below.)

Physical pain is a symptom of an underlying malfunction of the body. It is a sign of a dysfunctional physical/body state. It is a signal that there’s something wrong with the body, a potential threat to the survival of the body. Mental pain, which is experienced as negative emotion, is a signal there’s something wrong psychologically. It is a signal that we either are being threatened directly or that our efficacy (our ability to deal with threats) is being impaired, which results in a feeling of powerlessness.

Anger is the emotion we feel toward that which does something (or refrains from doing something) that results in our feeling powerless, helpless, and inefficacious.

Sadness, unhappiness, grief, and sorrow are emotions that result from feeling powerless in the face of not having (or not being able to have) what we want, or losing something we had.

Jealousy is the emotion we feel toward someone whom we experience as taking away from us something we want and we feel powerless to do anything about it.

Envy is the emotion we feel toward someone who has something we want—when we see ourselves as powerless to do anything to get it.

Shame is the emotion caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace, which makes us feel we aren’t okay. If we aren’t okay, there is an implied impairment of our power to deal with possible threats to our survival.

Guilt is the emotion we feel as a result of a judgment we place on ourselves. When we feel guilty, we experience ourselves as “bad” because we don’t think, feel or do what we should have or could have thought, felt or done. This judgment makes us feel we aren’t okay. Guilt is a function of thinking we have done something bad.

If guilt requires the concept of bad, what is bad? For adults, beliefs determine which behaviors are good or bad. For a child, good consists of doing what parents want and approve of. Bad consists of not doing what parents want and approve of. Therefore, for a child, bad is usually associated with withdrawal of love, which, for a child, necessarily produces fear. Thus fear always underlies and is the foundation for guilt.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame results from concluding: I am inherently flawed. Guilt results from concluding: I did something bad.

How fear occurs as a result of conditioned stimuli

The real cause of fear is always the perception that our physical survival is being threatened. The real cause of all other negative emotions, except guilt, is always the experience of powerlessness or inefficacy that is inherent in being a child. The real cause of guilt is the perception that our physical survival will be threatened because we are bad.

Let’s use this understanding of how emotions are caused to explain how certain stimuli directly cause emotions in children and how other, neutral stimuli become conditioned to cause emotions in adults.

When emotions are caused by conditioning, we have an emotion today whenever we are confronted with any stimuli that in the past we associated with the realcause of the emotion. Let me explain.

Pavlov’s experiments with dogs are the classic example of this conditioning process. When presented with food, the dogs salivated. Then a bell was rung just prior to presenting the dogs with food. After numerous presentations of the food with the bell, the bell was rung and no food was delivered. The dogs salivated anyway, because they had associated the bell with the food. In other words, a stimulus that normally would not produce a response does so because it becomes associated with a stimulus that inherently produces such a response.

In almost every instance of a stimulus that has been conditioned to produce fear, the stimulus itself did not cause fear in a child. The fear almost always was caused by the meaning the child gave to her parents’ behavior at the time the stimulus was present, namely, the parent’s behavior means the child will be rejected, which means it will be abandoned, which means it will die. Because children experience themselves as dependent on their parents for their literal survival, children inherently feel fear whenever their parents do anything that a child experiences as rejection or potential abandonment.

To show how childhood conditioning results in adult fear, let’s use as an example an adult who feels fear whenever he makes a mistake or even thinks about making a mistake. When did he first experience fear associated with making a mistake? Assume that as a child his parents usually got angry when he made a mistake (in other words, when he didn’t do what his parents wanted him to do). The anger (the parents’ response to his mistake) made him feel rejected, which to him meant he’d be abandoned, which to him meant he’d die. That perceived threat to his survival is the real source of the fear, not making a mistake. But because he almost always experienced fear whenever he made a mistake, making a mistake (a neutral stimulus) became conditioned to cause the fear.

Making a mistake didn’t initially cause the fear. The meaning the child read into the parents’ response is what really caused the fear. The child didn’t distinguish between what really caused the fear and an event that just happened to accompany what really caused the fear. Therefore the latter event became conditioned to cause the fear. Later in life, the conditioned event continues to cause fear even when the true cause of the fear is absent.

Phobias are the result of conditioning that can occur at any age. You can be conditioned to fear dogs, or heights, or even specific people. You had an experience (or observed someone having an experience with which you identified) with the stimulus that you interpreted to mean a physical threat to you. Now, even if the physical threat is absent, the stimulus produces the fear. Again, the neutral stimulus has been conditioned to produce the fear. It merely accompanied the fear earlier, just as Pavlov’s bell merely accompanied the food.

How the Stimuli for Anger Get Conditioned

Now let’s look at how childhood conditioning produces other emotions, where there is not a perceived threat to survival.

Let’s assume you experience anger whenever you are told what to do. Merely being told to do something does not inherently cause anger. Being told what to do has become conditioned to produce anger.

Imagine that as a child you experienced anger when you were told what to do. The real cause of the anger was not merely being told what to do. It was the powerlessness you felt because you had no ability to refuse. If you had been told what to do, but always had the option to negotiate and frequently ended up not having to do what you had been told to do, you would not have experienced anger when you were told what to do.

Being told what to do became conditioned to cause anger because you never distinguished between the real source of the anger—the powerlessness you felt when you couldn’t refuse your parent’s demands—and the demands themselves.

The same conditioning process occurs with all the other emotions, except guilt, which is more directly tied to a threat to one’s survival than to powerlessness.

Although this is far from the last word on a complicated issue, this theory does explain why fear and guilt are ultimately a function of a perceived threat to one’s survival, and why all other negative emotions are a function of powerlessness. Maybe our negative feelings won’t be quite as mysterious to us as they are now.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts about our negative emotions.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

I’m writing this from New Mexico just before I leave my bi-annual meeting of the Transformational Leadership Council (TLC).

Jack Canfield, the co-author of the Chicken Soup books, created this organization for transformational leaders (workshop leaders, authors, owners of organizations dedicated to transformation, etc.) such as John Gray, New York Times best-selling authors Marci Shimoff and Lisa Nichols, Rev. Michael Beckwith, and about 100 more. It is a place where people who have committed their lives to empowering others get supported and nourished. I am honored to have been a founding member about five years ago.

The two five-day meetings each year are my most eagerly-awaited times of the year. I always leave nourished and filled with new ideas. I am devoting my post today to some of the more-important ideas I am taking away from this meeting.

Is it really important to have goals?

I have always had a problem with goals despite the fact that for years everyone has talked about why they were important (“How can you possibly get what you want if you don’t know what you want?”). I always thought it was more important to live out of my vision, what I am here on earth to do—than out of goals.

Here’s a metaphor that I’ve used to explain my problem with goals. Imagine that my vision was to go east. Then I decided that my first goal was to go from my home in San Francisco to New York. So I go to the airport to get my ticket to New York and I am so focused on getting that ticket that I never notice a non-stop flight directly to Europe.

In other words, there are so many ways to manifest one’s vision. Goals can limit your possibilities and keep you from seeing ones you never would have dreamed of. Remember my post last week about living out of questions instead of answers. Both answers and goals limit possibilities.

Paul Scheele, creator of the Paraliminal courses and co-founder of Learning Strategies, said something that validated my position about goals. He made the point that organizations (and individuals) need to stop living in the past and in the future, and start living in the present.

Your goals are a function of your already-existing beliefs that were formed in the past. Your strategies ultimately are a function of the meaning you’ve given your past experiences and the meaning you are giving your appraisal of the future. So both our goals and our strategies force us into living in the past and the future, and inhibit us from living in the present.

Living in the present enables you to focus on what is emerging. I liked Paul’s use of that word: emerging. It is what arises moment by moment when you are living in the present.

Have your actions directed by “divinity”

Joe Vitale made one the meeting’s best presentations about living from divinity, from source, from inspiration. He made the point that every thought you have is the result either of inspiration (a message from your “higher Self”) or from your programming (your beliefs and conditioning).

It can be difficult to tell the difference between thoughts that arise from inspiration and thoughts that are the result of programming. Yet the more you are able to erase the beliefs and conditionings, the more your inspirations will reach consciousness without being distorted by your beliefs and the more you will be able to recognize the difference between the two types of thoughts.

Joe said that he generally knows the difference by the passion and excitement that accompanies his inspiration.

Joe said one other thing that I really liked: What is especially important is to act immediately on those inspirations. If you get a message from the divine and ignore it, it is worthless. Listen for those messages and allow them to move you to action … without delay. Stopping too long to judge your inspirations will kill them.

During a discussion of Joe’s presentation at breakfast one morning Paul pointed out that all judgment is the result of prior programming. To translate that observation into terms I’ve been using: Our judgments show up as the meaning we give to aspects of our lives, which in turn determines how events occur for us. And the major determinant for the judgments and meanings we give events are the beliefs and conditionings we have at the time. This explains how two people can have such different judgments of the same events.

During this conversation, I realized that the Lefkoe Occurring Process enables us to dissolve the meaning and the judgments and be left in the present, where we can more easily observe our inspirations and notice what is emerging.

Carry your safety with you

I saw Jack at breakfast the final day and told him that one of the things I love most about TLC meetings is that I am able to fully experience and express the profound love I have for people. I can hug, kiss, and verbally tell people how much I love them. I don’t feel nearly as safe elsewhere, except with a few very close friends.

Jack asked me why I could experience and express that love at TLC but not elsewhere. I said that I don’t feel as safe most of the time. Then Jack shared something about himself that was my most valuable piece of information of the meeting: As much as he also loves being at TLC, he feels safe to experience and express his love wherever he is because he carries his safety inside of him; he doesn’t wait for the circumstances to create safety for him.

I knew immediately that that was true and from now on it is incumbent on me to create my experience of safety and not wait for something or somebody outside of me to create it. I made a commitment to him and myself to fully express my love whenever I feel it. And to create the experience of safety so that I am able to feel it.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts from my TLC meeting this past week.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

What do you desperately desire, that the more you get, the harder it will be to achieve your goals in life?

Answers.

Let me explain.

It seems that nothing would make most of us happier than getting the answer to our questions, such as how to improve our relationships, how to make more money, and how to get anything else we want in life.

But answers are a type of belief. They are a solution to a problem, the way to do or get something.

And like all beliefs, answers are “a truth,” not “the truth.” Like all beliefs, answers are limiting, whereas questions are constantly pointing us in the right direction. In fact, answers actually prevent learning and change. Questions make them possible. Why? …

Learning and changing are relatively easy—when we don’t think we already have the answers. Most children naturally and effortlessly acquire such complicated skills as learning how to speak and read. For children, learning is a not a difficult task.

As we grow older something happens in most of us that severely hinders our learning: we think we already know the truth—we already have the answer.

To make this assertion real, consider this:

What do you ask a lot of when you don’t know how to do something? … You ask questions, right?

What happens to the questions when you discover how to do it? … They stop, don’t they?

If you think you already know the right way to do something, how open are you to learning a better way? … You aren’t, are you?

The history of corporate icons, such as GM and Lehman Brothers, is filled with stories of companies that thought they knew how to succeed, that were convinced they had the answer for how to succeed—and that failed while still proclaiming they were doing the right thing.

You see there is no “right” way to do anything at all times under all conditions. There is only the best strategy for the moment. And as circumstances change, the best way to deal with them changes also.

That gives us a clue to an alternative for “answers.” Instead of trying to find the “right” way to do or achieve anything, look for the best way at the moment. And then keep asking the same question regularly. If your reality doesn’t change much, the best way of dealing with it probably won’t change much either. But when reality changes enough, the best way of dealing with it will change, and the old answer will no longer be a good one.

This is why in a world that is changing rapidly strategies developed early in the year at a corporate retreat usually become inappropriate long before the end of the year. The same principle is true for individuals who are constantly looking for answers for how to achieve their goals. What worked yesterday or what worked for someone else, won’t necessarily work today or for you.

Don’t ever settle for the “answer.” Always hold your answers as working hypotheses, subject to constant checking and actual revisions when necessary. Live out of questions and observe what emerges. I promise you will be more successful than if you operate out of answers derived from what worked for you yesterday or what worked for someone else.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on why answers prevent new learning and actually can inhibit our ability to get what we want in life.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

There are two fundamentally different ways in which we can experience ourselves.

First, the way most of us usually experience ourselves: as a creation—a separate entity distinct from other entities, whose survival is always at stake. Some people call this the ego.

Second, as the creator of that creation—as consciousness, as Self, as non-dual awareness, as that which has always existed and always will exist.

The creation is experienced as an entity that is either “good enough” or “not good enough.” The creator, consciousness, Self is not experienced as someThing; rather it is a state of consciousness in which one experiences oneself as whole and complete, with nothing missing. On the other hand, because the creation is something specific, there is always something it is not, in other words, there is always something missing.

What is enlightenment?

Enlightenment consists of distinguishing yourself and then experiencing (as distinct from understanding) that you already are the creator, Self, consciousness—not merely the creation—it’s just that most people haven’t experienced it yet.

Therefore, transformation or enlightenment is not a place to get to; you are already there. And transformation or enlightenment is nothing more than (continually) creating that experience for yourself.

Why we need self-esteem

If we are going to experience ourselves as a creation, we need a high level of self-esteem. Why? Because when we experience ourselves as someThing whose survival is always at stake, we need to believe I’m able to survive (good enough, important, capable), and worthy of surviving. (Nathaniel Branden was the first person I know to point this out.) And a high level of self-esteem is more conducive to our survival than a low level of self-esteem.

But when you distinguish yourself as the creator of the creation (which you can easily experience with the “Who Am I Really?” Process), then a paradox occurs: you no longer need a high level of self-esteem (because your survival is no longer in question) and you experience yourself as whole and complete, as okay just the way you are, with nothing missing, anything is possible, and no limitations—which “feels like” a high level of self-esteem.

Although it is possible to change the creation (by eliminating our beliefs about ourselves, which changes how we act and feel)—the very fact of experiencing ourselves as a creation will necessarily result in experiencing something missing, some limitations, and, as the Buddha said: some degree of suffering.

Some suffering seems to be inherent in the experience of ourselves as a creation, an entity whose survival is always at stake. Let me explain why.

If some things are good for us (conducive to our survival), then other things are bad for us (a threat to our survival). And when we encounter anything that we consider to be a threat to our survival, we feel anxiety and suffer. Depending on our beliefs and who we think are, we can be threatened by people who are angry at us, not being liked by people, making mistakes, not reaching our goals—in other words, by anything that we consider “bad.”

In other words, when anything we consider ourselves to be (a good parent, a hard worker, a sexy person) is threatened, we feel anxiety because we think who we are is in danger of extinction.

When we experience ourselves as a creation with a low level of self-esteem, our lives become about acquiring self-esteem. We create survival strategies—which are substitutes for self-esteem—that run our lives, such as having people think well of us, taking care of others, or doing things perfectly. We think these survival strategies will make us good enough or important. Unfortunately, it’s an endless quest because they never really work, although they can ameliorate anxiety for the moment.

The Lefkoe Method has two purposes

This is why The Lefkoe Method has a two-fold purpose: to help you change your creation (for example, from not good enough to good enough) … and also to facilitate you to distinguish and then experience yourself as the creator of the creation.

As long as you have human form you probably will experience that that form’s survival is always at stake. But it is possible to transcend that experience and distinguish yourself as the creator at any time. In that transcendent state, you experience that you are the space in which reality and time show up, that you always were and always will be, and that survival is never an issue.

So although it is possible to minimize suffering by changing the creation (eliminating beliefs that lead to dysfunctional behavior and feelings), as long as you experience yourself as a creation, suffering is always lurking just around the corner. The best way to relieve suffering is to create yourself as the creator, as Self, as non-dual awareness.

An alternative method

There seems to be a second method that I’ve been exploring recently: to detach oneself from the dualistic world in which we live—to dissolve the meaning we impose on meaningless reality—and face reality stripped bare of all meaning. When the meaning is gone, anxiety and suffering will be gone too.

Suffering and any other unpleasant emotion are the result of adding the meaning: “bad for me” (as distinct from good for me)—to a meaningless event. That meaning causes the suffering. Human beings are always creating meaning because we need to know: good or bad for my survival.

So there appears to be two ways to relieve suffering: to experience yourself as the creator—as distinct from the creation, or to act very un-creation-like and dissolve all the meaning from events, to live totally in the moment. The Lefkoe Occurring Process was designed to do just that.

Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on enlightenment and how to relieve suffering.

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

When you realize that you never saw your beliefs in the world, that you only saw events that had no inherent meaning, it becomes clear that you create your beliefs—and, ultimately, reality as you experience it. Thus, everything we say is “out there”—other than what we sense (in other words, what we touch, see, hear, smell, or taste)—is a distinction we create that exists only in our mind.

Creation is the act of making distinctions

For example, you walk down the street and think you actually see “men” and “women,” when you actually only perceive what we have defined as individual human beings. You describe these human beings as “men” or “women,” but you have never actually seen “men” or “women”; they are only abstractions you have distinguished and imposed on reality. If you were to arbitrarily distinguish people into those taller and those shorter than six feet, you would eventually walk down the street and think you are seeing “shorties” and “tallies” as clearly as you now see men and women.

In Alternate Realities, Lawrence LeShan gives a simple example:

Consider how we make classes of things. “Surely,” we say, “we do not create classes. We take them as we find them ‘out there,’ male and female, animal, vegetable, and mineral. . . .  We are not creating anything. We are observing things and learning their relationships.” Why then, asked one philosopher, has no one made a class of red, juicy, edible things and included meat and cherries in it? Or a class of tall, dark-haired men and women with no earlobes?

It becomes clear, as we look at LeShan’s example, that we help create and maintain the reality we perceive and react to. So nothing is until you make it so. But once you do, it must be. You can no longer not see men and women.  (I once had the following printed on a t-shirt: “It isn’t until it is, and then it must be.”  Can you imagine me trying to explain what I meant by that phrase to everyone who read it and asked me?)

Here is a vivid example. In The Experts Speak by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, hundreds of experts are cited who were limited in their ability to see anything outside their existing beliefs. The following is just one of the beliefs that was generally accepted as “the truth” and that determined the believer’s behavior at the time.

Cerf and Navasky tell of how

in the 1850s, a Hungarian doctor and professor of obstetrics, Ignaz Semmelweis, ordered his interns at the Viennese Lying-In Hospital to wash their hands after performing autopsies and before examining new mothers. The death rate plummeted from 22 out of 200 to two out of 200, prompting the following reaction from one of Europe’s most respected medical practitioners:

It may be that it [Semmelweis’s procedure] does contain a few good principles, but its scrupulous application has presented such difficulties that it would be necessary, in Paris for instance, to place in quarantine the personnel of a hospital the great part of a year, and that, moreover, to obtain results that remain entirely problematical.” (Dr. Charles Dubois, Parisian obstetrician, in a memo to the French Academy, on September 23, 1858.)

Semmeiweis’ superiors shared Dubois’ opinion; when the Hungarian physician insisted on defending his theories, they forced him to resign his post on the faculty.

Today this example seems ridiculous. Doesn’t everyone know that proper hygiene is a lifesaving factor in hospitals? We tend to view this as an objective reality—as a  fact. But Dubois and his colleagues were operating out of a different worldview, from a different set of beliefs. Semmelweis’s theory did not fit with their beliefs about hospital care, and therefore it was not and could not be the truth for them.

The only thing that is “true” is that which you make true by definition. You create reality (truth) by making arbitrary distinctions out of nothing. Whatever you distinguish becomes real (true) by the very fact of your having made the distinction. The distinction brings something into existence. It also serves as the definition of what has been brought into existence. Our world is—but only because we said so. We are, by our very nature, conscious beings who distinguish, which means beings who create our perception of “reality.”

I want to emphasize that I am not saying we create our physical reality. Maybe we do and maybe we don’t; I’m not sure.  I am saying we create our perception of physical reality, and most people don’t ever make that distinction.   Getting fired or having a spouse leave us are facts in reality; the events actually do exist.  That they are a disaster or an opportunity for something better is a function of our beliefs and our occurrings.  So when I say we create our reality, I am saying we create our experience of reality and we can change it.

Once you have created a belief, you have created a reality (for you) in which your belief is “the truth.” (I am….  People are….  Life is….) And your life becomes consistent with that belief. You have constant evidence that the belief is true. You have a hard time even imagining possible behavior that is not consistent with your belief. It is difficult to eliminate or change the belief because you feel that you actually perceived it existing in the world. So your behavior continues to be consistent with your belief, even if it is dysfunctional and you try to change it.

When You Eliminate a Belief You Change Your Reality and Create New Possibilities

Because “things” only exist as a result of distinctions you make, when you dissolve or eliminate the distinction, that reality disappears. The following exercise demonstrates my point.

Let’s distinguish a two-dimensional figure with three straight sides from every other possible figure and call it a triangle. (A definition is nothing more than how you describe a specific distinction. It’s the “nature” of the distinction.) Now let’s change the figure by adding one more side and making it a four-sided figure with equal angles. Notice you no longer have a triangle. You now have a figure we have defined as a rectangle. The new figure no longer fits the definition of a triangle. You might say that the triangle has disappeared. It doesn’t exist.

From this illustration we learn that when the unique attributes of a “thing” are changed—when the distinction that makes it unique from other “things” is changed—that specific “thing” disappears.

This principle explains what makes a belief disappear during the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP). In the LBP you identify a specific belief, which is a conviction you have that your way of viewing the world is “the truth,” as distinguished from all other views, which are not “the truth”—they’re false. You then transform a statement that you consider to be “the truth” into a statement that you consider to be “a truth?’ Once you do that, the statement is no longer a belief. It has become merely one possible interpretation—one of many possible ways of defining reality. Thus, the belief no longer exists. It has disappeared! And when the belief is gone, your reality has changed. New possibilities appear that weren’t there before.

Conventional Psychotherapy

Most therapies assume that there is an objective world “out there” that the client is having trouble dealing with. Therefore, the conventional role of therapy is to help people cope better with that objective world. The LBP, on the other hand, assumes that there is no “reality” (for you) independent from your beliefs. Thus, altering your beliefs not only changes your behavior, your feelings, and how you perceive the world, it literally changes the world in which you function.

Because we create the world as we experience it, we can change it at will.

Do you have any suggestions or comments on these thoughts on how your beliefs create your experience of reality?

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Last week I explained how we live in a dualistic universe in which for any “thing” or concept to exist, we must distinguish between it and a not-that-thing or concept. Our most important tool for making distinctions and creating our reality is language.

As Edward Sapir, a noted anthropologist, has said:

Human beings do not live in the objective world alone, nor alone in the world of social activity as ordinarily understood, but are very much at the mercy of a particular language which has become the medium of expression for their society. The fact of the matter is that their “real world” is to a large extent unconsciously built up in the language habits of the group. . . . We see and hear and otherwise experience very largely as we do because the language habits of our community predispose certain choices of interpretation.

Language is far more than a tool for communication. The word “language” comes from logos, which means category or concept. With language we categorize, distinguish, and create the universe. Ultimately, we perceive the world according to our language. For example, when we think in English, we perceive a world made up primarily of objects: people, trees, and houses. These objects do things or have things done to them using verbs. We literally see everything in the world in this fashion. We don’t perceive “things out there” because there really are things out there. That just happens to be our worldview, because in our language there is a subject, which acts upon an object, which exists independently of the subject. In the English language, independent entities (subjects and objects) are primary, rather than processes or relationships. That’s not true in every language.

As Ralph Strauch points out in his book The Reality Illusion:

Some languages are structured around quite different basic word- categories and relationships. They project very different pictures of the basic nature of reality as a result. The language of the Nootka Indians in the Pacific Northwest, for example, has only one principle word-category; it denotes happenings or events. A verbal form like “eventing” might better describe this word-category, except that such a form doesn’t sound right in English, with its emphasis on noun forms. We might think of Nootka as composed entirely of verbs, except that they take no subjects or objects as English verbs do. The Nootka, then, perceive the world as a stream of transient events, rather than as the collection of more or less permanent objects which we see. Even something which we see clearly as a physical object, like a house, the Nootka perceive of as a long-lived temporal event. The literal English translation of the Nootka concept might be something like “housing occurs;” or “it houses.

In a discussion of this point, Nobel Prize winning physicist Werner Heisenberg said:

What we are observing is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning. And how do we question? All of our methods of interrogating nature depend on language—and it is the very nature of language to refer to things. We therefore think in terms of things. How can we possibly think of nonthings, nothings, nothing? In our very forms of thought we instinctively divide the world into subjects and objects, thinkers and things, mind and matter. This division seems so natural that it has been presumed a basic maxim of objective science.

A dramatic (and sobering!) example of how language determines the distinctions we make can be found in the specific technical language that is used to describe nuclear weapons and arms control. Carol Cohn, a senior research fellow at the Center for Psychological Studies in the Nuclear Age, Cambridge, Massachusetts, spent a year as a visiting scholar at a defense studies center. She published some of her experiences in the Summer 1987 issue of SIGNS: The Journal of Women in Culture and Society, ©1987 by The University of Chicago Press, in an article titled “Nuclear Language and How We Learned to Pat the Bomb.”  She wrote:

The better I became at this discourse [of arms control], the more difficult it became to express my own ideas and values. While the language included things I had never been able to speak about before, it radically excluded others. To pick a bald example, the word “peace” is not a part of this discourse. As close as one can come to it is “strategic stability’ a term that refers to a balance of numbers and types of weapons systems—not the political, social, economic, and psychological conditions that “peace” implies.

If I was unable to speak my concerns in this language, more disturbing still was that I also began to find it harder to keep them in my own head. No matter how firm my own commitment to staying aware of the bloody reality behind the words, over and over I found that I could not keep human lives as my reference point….

I was so involved in the military justifications for not using nuclear weapons—as though the moral ones were not enough. What I was actually talking about—the mass incineration of a nuclear attack—was no longer in my head.

As I learned to speak [this new language], I no longer stood outside the impenetrable wall of technostrategic language, and once inside, I could no longer see it. I had not only learned to speak a language: I had started to think in it. Its questions became my questions, its concepts shaped my responses to new ideas. (Emphasis added).

To reduce all this to the simplest possible statement: For us, reality is the way we experience it, which is rarely how it actually is.  And our experience of reality is largely a function of our beliefs about reality, how reality occurs for us, and the language we use to describe reality.

Do you have any comments on how our language determines how we perceive “reality”?

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Most of my blog posts present material I have a clear point of view on, such as how beliefs are formed, how they can be eliminated and how they determine our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  I don’t hold these as “the truth,” but as effective and useful “a truths.” A few posts—like the ones I wrote last December on occurring—present some half-formed ideas I am thinking about and trying to work through.  This post on some thoughts on manifesting is like that.

Let me start with two ideas I’ve been fascinated about for a few years.

Here is the first idea:

If you asked someone, “Do things exist?” the response would probably be, “Of course things exist! The world is full of things. Doesn’t everyone know that there is physical stuff out there—that reality is tangible and real?”

But what allows any thing—a hand, a chair, or any other object—to exist? One way to answer is to imagine a specific thing—say, a hand. What if the hand expands and keeps expanding until there is nothing in the universe except the hand. What would happen to it? … Really try to imagine this. … You wouldn’t see the hand anymore. But why?

It would disappear because there would be nothing in the universe that was not the hand. This thought exercise illuminates a very basic concept about reality: We live in a dualistic universe. In order for any thing to exist, there must also be not that thing.

Consider this for a moment. Can you see that any physical object is bounded by “not that object”? If an object did not have any borders— that is, if it wasn’t surrounded by “not that object”—it couldn’t be distinguished from everything else. In other words, it wouldn’t exist.

The same principle also applies to nonmaterial concepts. Love and hate, peace and war, strong and weak, beautiful and ugly—these only exist and have unique attributes because they have been distinguished from each other. For example, the state of war is distinguished from peace by the presence of armed conflict. When there is no armed conflict there is peace. But if armed conflict existed throughout the world all the time, and if the alternative (peace) was unimaginable, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish war from any other state. War, as a condition distinct from peace, couldn’t exist.

Now imagine the universe without any distinctions. It’s just an undifferentiated whole. Can you see that there would be nothing? That’s because in order for anything to exist, it must be distinguished from everything else. If no distinction is made between a specific thing and everything else, there is only an undifferentiated everything—which is another way of saying nothing.

Everything, without any distinctions, is the same as nothing.

Physicist Fred Allen Wolf once said that “the world is only a potential and not present without you or me to observe it.” I would suggest that what physical reality really requires is consciousness to make distinctions.

In making distinctions, we use our sensory apparatus (the five senses) as well as our perceptual framework (language, culture, paradigms, and individual beliefs). But the world isn’t really the way you perceive it. It isn’t any way until you perceive it that way—that is, until you distinguish it that way. In fact, you don’t even sense what’s “out there:’ because there’s nothing out there to be sensed. (Nothing, as we’ve seen, however, is the potential for everything to be distinguished.)

An example comes from a Time magazine cover story on human consciousness.

“A baby born with cataracts—an unusual but not unheard-of condition—and left untreated for as little as six months becomes permanently and irrevocably blind. If a sixty-year-old develops cataracts, an operation can restore full sight. The distinctions most of us make unconsciously and at a glance—foreground vs. background, moving vs. stationary, vertical vs. horizontal, and dozens more—are concepts that the brain has learned. It literally has to wire itself, with neurons growing out to touch and communicate with one another in an ever more sophisticated network of connections. And if those connections are not repeatedly stimulated in the first few months of life, when the brain is still in its formative period, they atrophy and die.”  (Emphasis added.)

In other words, moving and stationary or vertical and horizontal are not events “out there”: Rather they are “concepts that the brain has learned” (or distinguished) as a result of having a specific sensory apparatus, without which they couldn’t be distinguished. That means they literally wouldn’t exist. (This is only a brief summary of an idea that’s relevant to this post.  It could be developed further into a longer post or even a chapter in a book.)

Here is the second idea (this is actually a part of the Who Am I Really? Process).

There are three ways to “know” something:

First, by understanding it.  This is conceptual and involves language and explanation. You can understand that you create your life when someone explains it to you or when you read about it.

Second, by experiencing it.  You know you are the creator of your life in a totally different way when you experience it.

Third, by bringing something into existence by  creating/distinguishing it. When you distinguish yourself as the creator of your life as distinct from the creation, you know you are the creator of your life in this third way, which cannot even be described.

The following are some of my recent thoughts that appear to be related to the two ideas presented above, but I’m not sure yet how to tie all this together.  Any suggestions?

Understanding something as true or even experiencing it as true doesn’t make it manifest.  These two ways of knowing are ways of knowing what already exists. The third way to know reality—knowing by distinguishing/creating—brings what has been distinguished into existence.

Making a distinction is sufficient to bring something into existence as an idea. But it needs to be experienced and “brought into existence” for the distinction to actually exist in reality.  The fact that a distinction does not show up in physical reality immediately does not mean we haven’t created it.  What we’ve distinguished really does exist (as an idea); it just isn’t in physical form yet.

Wants and desires are a function of already-existing beliefs.  They arise from already-existing beliefs.  You look at what exists and want it to be the same or different based on your values, which are a type of belief.  The beliefs are from the past and the wants/desires live in the future.  You’re either satisfied with what already is or dissatisfied with what already is.  Neither generates or creates.  Creation takes place in the present.  You make a distinction and bring something into existence as a thought/an idea.

The very act of making a distinction brings it into existence mentally, that thought will then manifest when we act in the present consistently with it.

Behavior can exist in three totally different realms: (1) figuring out how to solve existing problems to reach a goal (focusing on the past), (2) creating a strategy to reach a goal (focusing on the future), or (3) taking advantage of opportunities as they arise consistently with a future that’s already been created/distinguished in the mind (focusing on the present).

How am I using these ideas in my own life? I created/distinguished 5 million people using The Lefkoe Method to eliminate at least one limiting belief by December 31, 2012. At the moment, I have no idea how to manifest 5 million users in just two and a half years.  I am doing whatever seems appropriate to manifest that “creation” as the opportunities arise: writing weekly blog posts, writing guest posts, creating a new course to teach people how to dissolve how the world occurs for us, supporting research on the effectiveness of The Lefkoe Method—especially on stress, joint venture mailings, using Twitter and Facebook, etc.  I expect that additional opportunities to reach my goal will emerge over time and what currently exists only in my mind will manifest in the world when the time comes.

Do you have any suggestions or comments on these thoughts on manifesting?

These weekly blog posts also exist as podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed or at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

I want to deeply thank the hundreds of you who shared intimate details about how your lives have been run by your fears and anger. Your stories were unbelievably honest and incredibly moving. They reminded me of how I described my own life in my journal years ago, just before I created the Lefkoe Belief Process (originally called the Decision Maker Process) and in the early months after I created it, before I had eliminated many beliefs.

Here are some excepts from my journal in the mid-1980s:

During the past few weeks I have been more and more upset, afraid, on edge. Nothing seems to be happening. I put articles, magazines, etc. out into the world, and nothing comes back. I am worried about money. I am troubled about the situation in which I have put my family.

It seems to be that there is something wrong with me, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel I am insufficient for the task I’ve set for myself.

Last night I was exhausted, crying when I got home, crying when I got up this morning.

I’m scared. And when I try to look and see what’s going on, my mind wanders and there’s a fog.

I just saw the thoughts: When all is said and done, I’m never going to make it. My life is not going to turn out.

If you didn’t know these comments were written by me many years ago, I’m sure you would assume they were among the many posts written last week describing the one area of your emotional life you would like to change.

Techniques That Didn’t Work For You

In your response to my question—What didn’t work to help you with your fear?—you said that most rational approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, positive self-talk, and rational thinking, failed. ”Just don’t let the fear stop you” also didn’t work for most of you.

Your responses were mixed on EFT, hypnosis, and NLP. Some of you said these techniques were useful, others said they dealt only with the symptoms and never got rid of the underlying causes, which made the fear and other negative feelings come back.

Why Most Approaches To Eliminating Fear Don’t Work

I promised I would explain why the approaches that didn’t work for you couldn’t work. Here’s my answer.

Imagine a person with the beliefs: I’m not good enough, mistakes and failure are bad, I’m inadequate, I’ll never get what I want, nothing I do is good enough, life is difficult, people can’t be trusted, etc. If this is his reality, can you see that he would be afraid much of the time? …

Our beliefs have the power they do because, for us, they are our reality. And that’s why most change techniques that deal only with symptoms produce only temporary relief. If the source of your fear (and other negative emotions such as anger and general upset) is your beliefs, then the only thing that will permanently get rid of the fear is to eliminate those beliefs.

Let me give you a few more examples: Our behavior and feelings are responses to our reality. So if my reality is that relationships don’t work, that I’m not lovable, and that women can’t be trusted, then being in a relationship or even having the thought of a close romantic relationship probably would produce some level of anxiety. Why? Because in my reality relationships are unpleasant and unlikely to last.

If we perceive something as threatening us, we are hard-wired to feel some level of fear. If in our reality rejection is a threat to us, rejection will cause fear. If in our reality we will never get what we want and life is dangerous, then we are likely to live with some level of anxiety almost all the time.

In other words those things that we experience as threatening will necessarily result in fear. But what determines which events are perceived as threatening to us? Interestingly enough, it’s not what is actually out there in the world. Instead, it is our beliefs about ourselves, people and life.

Tera posted a comment on my blog that clearly explains why most approaches don’t work:

“I just wanted to point out that the Lefkoe Method is the only way I know that actually gets rid of the cause of the problems ONCE AND FOR ALL rather then all those techniques that only treat the symptoms. EFT, meditation, NLP, false forgiveness and letter writing, could drastically improve the quality of our lives, but they can’t fix the beliefs that cause the problems.”

A Modification Of This Theory

Based on what I learned in the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment earlier this year, I’d like to slightly modify what I’ve just written.

There seems to be an additional step between beliefs (and conditionings) and our behavior and feelings. Let me explain. Remember I said that beliefs get their power because they are our reality and our behavior and feelings are determined by our reality.

In essence, our beliefs and conditionings are the primary determinant for how reality “occurs” for us, or “shows up” for us. And because we usually don’t distinguish between reality and the way reality occurs for us, the “occurring” is our reality and directly determines our behavior and feelings.

Here’s how it works. Say you believe I’m not good enough, I’ll never get what I want, life will never turn out for me, and other similar beliefs. Then you lose your job or your investments severely decline in value. Given those beliefs, the events probably would occur for you as a disaster, as a hole you will never get out of, as another in the many set-backs life keeps throwing at you. (I know because this is a description of my beliefs and the way life occurred for me before I used the Lefkoe Belief Process on myself.)

But can you see that all that happened in the world is that you lost your job or your investments declined in value? With different beliefs the same events would occur for you differently, such as, here is an opportunity to get an even better job, one that will be more fulfilling, or what can this experience teach me about investing that will make me a more successful investor in the future. (How do you think “set-backs” occur for Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates?)

The problem for most of us is that we rarely, if ever, distinguish between actual events in the world and how those events occur for us. For us, the way things occur for us is our reality. And even if we did notice the difference, most of us don’t know how to realize that the occurring is only in own minds and not in the world, which would make it disappear.

To Sum Up

Ultimately, getting rid of fear and other negative emotions (and undesirable behavior such as procrastination) requires eliminating the beliefs that cause the problem. Remember, however, because events as such have no meaning, they are unable to make you feel anything. So in the short-term you can get rid of negative feelings in moments by dissolving how the world is occurring for you. When you use the Lefkoe Occurring Process to dissolve the meaning you have given events (which determines how they occur for you), all your negative feelings disappear and you are left with nothing but the meaningless events.

If you eliminate the beliefs that are the source of your fear and other negative emotions and if you learn how to dissolve your “occurring world,” I promise you will be able to create your experience of life regardless of the circumstances. An experience that is free of anxiety and anger, that is instead filled with excitement, joy, and unlimited possibilities.

Now I Have Another Question For You

It’s become clear from your posts during the past week or so that a lot of you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life and yet you have a sense that something better is possible.

So in order to serve you best, please take a minute to post a comment below telling me how my team and I can best help you increase your love, happiness, success, and fulfillment in your life.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

There was a time in America when some people were treated as property, forced to do whatever other people wanted, abused without any ability to respond, and unable to obtain their freedom. Such behavior was legal and considered appropriate by the people practicing it.

When we look at the people who exhibited that behavior we think with repulsion, “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

I’m not referring to slavery 150 years ago. I’m referring to the abuse heaped upon millions of children daily by well-meaning parents who don’t realize the long-term damage being done by spanking and other forms of punishment.

Corporal Punishment Doesn’t Work

Research has shown that corporal (physical) punishment not only doesn’t stop the behavior it was intended to stop, it produces a host of negative consequences. These studies have linked corporal punishment to adverse physical, psychological and educational outcomes.

Researcher Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D., in a 2002 meta-analytic study that combined 60 years of research on corporal punishment, found that the only positive outcome of corporal punishment was immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment was associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment was linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, problems in relationships with their parents, and likelihood of being physically abused.

Time recently described a new study published in Pediatrics that confirms the results of many earlier studies, “As five-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the non-spanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals.” (Emphasis added.)

We’ve discovered from our work with over 13,000 clients that most self-esteem beliefs are formed from interactions with parents during the first six years of life. Spanking produces the dysfunctional behavior described in the studies quoted above because it leads to such beliefs as: I’m powerless. I’m bad. I deserve to be punished. There’s something wrong with me. The way to be safe is to have power over others. Violence is an acceptable way to handle disagreements. The way to keep from being punished is to not get caught. I’m not good enough.

Despite all the evidence showing the negative consequences of spanking, many people still argue that it is a useful and appropriate tool for parents. One such person is Dr. James Dobson, a psychologist who Time called “the nation’s most influential evangelical leader.” He argues "[P]ain is a marvelous purifier. . . It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely." (Emphasis added.) (From his book, Dare to Discipline, pages 6 and 7.)

Answering the question: “I have spanked my children for their disobedience, and it didn’t seem to help. Does this approach fail with some children?”, Dobson replied:

“The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t motivate a child to avoid the consequence next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a multi-diapered thirty-month-old is not a deterrent to anything. Be sure the child gets the message — while being careful not to go too far.” (Emphasis added.) (Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide)

Now you may be thinking, I don’t spank my child and I don’t know any parents who do; it isn’t really that common anymore. In fact, it is a lot more common than you might imagine. According to the Center for Effective Discipline, in the 2006-2007 school year, 223,190 school children in the U.S. were subjected to physical punishment. A recent survey in the UK showed that seven out of 10 parents used corporal punishment on their children.

Yelling Also Can Be Abusive

But that’s only half the story. A lot of people who would never physically abuse their children abuse them emotionally on a regular basis. Such people can grasp the brutality of hitting a defenseless child, but think nothing of screaming at their child, uttering such common phrases as: “What’s wrong with you?” “Are you stupid?” “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t you understand English?” “If you were a good child you’d obey me.”

Our work with clients also has showed us that such emotional abuse often leads to as many negative beliefs about ourselves as physical abuse, including many of the same beliefs that spanking produces, plus I’m not capable, I’m not competent. Mistakes are bad. I’m not loveable. I’m not worthy. I’m inadequate.

There’s an important distinction to be made here: Physical and emotional abuse, as painful as it might be in the moment, has no long-term consequences. But the abuse inevitably leads children to form negative beliefs about themselves and life, that in turn lead to a wide variety of behavioral and emotional problems for the rest of their lives. (Thousands of clients have stopped their chronic anxiety, eating disorders, needing the approval of others, lack of confidence, etc. by eliminating the childhood beliefs that cause such debilitating problems.)

Why do we hit or yell at our children? The answer most parents probably would give is “Nothing else seems to get my children to listen.” Would you hit or yell at your friends who frustrated you because they wouldn’t listen to your advice? And if that’s not appropriate, what makes it okay to do it to defenseless children?

Shouldn’t Children Be Disciplined If They Don’t Obey?

Think of a time when you were disciplined by your parents. … Did you think: I’ll never do that again, or did you think: I’ll make sure I never get caught doing that again. … Did you learn anything from the punishment other than to make sure you don’t get caught? … Did it instill a moral sense of right and wrong and the desire to do what’s right, or were you just angry with your parents? …

Research has shown that spanking and browbeating sometimes can work to produce immediately compliance, but there is no learning involved. If they really worked to permanently change behavior you’d only have to use them once or perhaps a few times. It’s weird to me that parents justify hitting and yelling as a way to get their children to listen, and then keep doing it over and over because their children don’t listen! That reminds me of the old saying: Insanity consists of doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result.

Do We Really “Own” Our Children?

Many parents feel they are legally and morally justified in forcing their children to do whatever they arbitrarily decide they want their children to do, just because they are the parents. They hate the question “why?” because they usually don’t have an answer. If their children disobey, it’s okay for them to punish their children until they “cry.” Their justification: “How can we possibly get our kids to do what we want if we can’t spank them or yell at them?”

If a master’s absolute dominion over his slaves was justified by the argument that the slaves were “owned” by their masters, isn’t that the implicit argument that justifies punishing children? (Obviously, parents don’t consciously think that about their children, but think about it for a moment, isn’t that the implicit assumption out of which most parents operate? Don’t they think: “Who are you to tell me how to parent? They are ‘my’ children.”)

If we ever are going to raise a generation of children who don’t have the negative beliefs and day-to-day problems so many of us have today, the first thing we are going to have to do is realize that physical and even emotional abuse results in lasting damage. Not the actual abuse itself, which is over in a few minutes. But the meaning children give that abuse results in crippling beliefs that stay with them and cause them suffering for the rest of their lives.

This post is not meant to make parents feel guilty who didn’t realize the consequences of their behavior or who just don’t have any effective parenting skills. It is meant to destroy, once and for all, the idea that parents “own” their children and have the right to spank or scream at them for disobeying.

Please help get this post into the hands of as many parents as possible. Let’s do whatever we can to hasten the day when everyone looks back at these early 21^st century parenting practices in America and says: “What could they possibly have been thinking?”

If you find this post useful, please click on the Digg button below, which will make tens of thousands of people aware of it. Thanks for helping us to help others.

We are now turning these weekly blog posts into podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts by providing a link from your own website or blog to http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

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copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

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Remember last December I wrote that I was about to have a breakthrough? Well, I did.

On February 16, 2010 nineteen people and I began the Lefkoe Freedom Experiment (LFE). Before we started I promised the participants:

“You will learn how to transform the way you experience your life. No matter what the circumstances. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Actually, I had never taught anyone to do that before, but I like to promise things I’ve never done before. That’s the exciting part: Figuring out how to do things after I’ve promised to do them.

The LFE was created after I noticed (and blogged about in three posts last December) that most people usually are not aware of the distinction between reality and how reality occurs for them. And because we are not aware of this distinction, we act as if the way reality occurs for us is the way reality “really is,” which is rarely true.

So the LFE was designed to determine if we could notice that distinction all the time and, even more importantly, dissolve the way reality occurs for us and be left with nothing but reality. Or as some gurus describe it, live totally in the present, without the past and future intruding.

We succeeded brilliantly! We met in a webinar for an hour once a week for ten weeks. Virtually everyone in the class who did their weekly assignment ended the experiment able to easily notice the distinction between “reality” and the way reality occurred for them at any given moment, and then quickly and easily dissolve the “occurring,” so that they were left either with only reality (without any meaning) or with a positive “occurring” that they choose.

Let me give you an example. Your investments lose a lot of their value. That is reality. That might occur for you as “a disaster, years of savings and struggle down the drain, how will we ever recoup our losses, etc.” That “occurring” would seem like “a fact,” “the way it really is,” and would result in you feeling upset, despondent, anxious, sad, etc. If you dissolve the “occurring” and observe only the reality—namely, the decline in value of your investment—the negative feelings would disappear. At which point you would have a choice to deal with “reality” and determine what you can learn from the experience and what you are going to do to replace the money. Or you even could create a positive meaning, such as “This is an opportunity to realize that my happiness is not dependent on material things and to grow as a spiritual being.” Giving that meaning to the events would result in positive feelings, such as pleasure and satisfaction.

Here are some more details of what we learned.

At any given moment we might have positive or negative emotions—joy and excitement, or anger, sadness, anxiety, and upset. Because events in reality have no inherent meaning (we have this profound realization when we eliminate a belief using the Lefkoe Belief Process), the events themselves can’t cause the emotion. What does?

The meaning we have given the events. And that meaning results in reality occurring for us in a specific way. So dissolving the meaning/the occurring immediately eliminates the feelings it caused.

Imagine that! Being able to eliminate any negative feeling you have in just moments by being able to eliminate the meaning you gave the events. This means that if you are in the middle of an argument with your relationship partner and you are getting angry, all you have to do is identify what meaning you are giving the situation and eliminate it, and the anger will stop.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I hear many of you thinking. “Do you really expect me to believe this?” Yes, I do. I know many of you are skeptical. “I’ve heard outrageous claims before but this is just too much.” Nonetheless, I personally have now done this many times and several people in the experiment did it also.

As Michael Scheibe, one of the participants put it: “The tools I learned in this experiment have transformed how I experience my life on a daily basis.

“Previous things that used to frequently upset me no longer do because through this course I truly got that my experience of life comes from the meaning I’m giving everything in the moment, and that meaning is not the same as what’s actually happening in the real world, and now I can also change that meaning whenever I want to something else I’d enjoy more.”

If my audacious claim really is true (and it is), you can understand why I think what we learned can totally transform how people experience their lives.

There is one caveat. Because how something occurs for us is primarily the result of prior beliefs and conditionings, as long as they continue to exist similar situations will continue to occur for us the same way. Ultimately, in order to be able to prevent negative occurrings, we have to eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause them.

We probably will offer another webinar like the last one shortly. Most of the participants in the experiment thought that the group participation was very helpful in being able to produce the result, but not absolutely necessary. So I need to find a way to teach the Lefkoe Occurring Process to everyone who wants the benefits it has to offer at a price everyone can afford, which means I’ll have to find a way to offer a training on CDs or DVDs, without group participation and without me having to be personally involved in every training. And because the weekly practice is so crucial, I need to find a way to get people to practice if they are not going to be showing up for a webinar with me weekly, where I am going to be asking about their weekly practice.

But we will find a way and it won’t be long before tens of thousands of people are able to dissolve negative feelings like anger, anxiety and unhappiness as they occur. Finding a way to help people do that is a goal worth getting out of bed for every morning.

If you find this post useful, please click on the Digg button below, which will make tens of thousands of people aware of it. Thanks for helping us to help others.

We are now turning these weekly blog posts into podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts by providing a link from your own website or blog to http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/recreateyourlife) where I answer your questions about the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

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People like you and I can make profound and lasting changes in our lives, if we have the right knowledge and support. To insure that you have ready access to that knowledge and support I’ve created a Facebook Page that is dedicated to providing them. It has been created for people committed to improving the quality of their lives …

who know that the “good life” requires constant growth …

who aren’t satisfied with a life of “here’s how it happened to turn out”…

who are always asking “what if …?” and “why not …?”…

who want to free themselves from their self-imposed limitations …

who believe that true satisfaction ultimately comes from contributing to others …

who are committed to, as one person said on my blog, “living the best life possible.”

Do you see yourself here?

If your answer is “yes,” if this message resonates inside you, I’m here to tell you that this site was created just for you. You can make lasting and dramatic changes in your life even if the methods you’ve tried before didn’t work for you. Together we can make it happen.

To join myself and hundreds of others on this journey “become a fan.”

Many of us know intellectually that we are spiritual beings living day to day as human beings.  But most of us don’t experience and act on that knowledge a lot of the time.  We forget who we really are.  We act as if we are only a “creation,” when really we are the “creator” of that creation.  It is possible to fully experience who we really are when we do the “Who Am I Really?” Process.  In that state we experience anything is possible and that we have no limitations.

Use the WAIR? Process and have this experience for yourself if you haven’t already.  You can find it at the end of the free belief-elimination process at http://recreateyourlife.com/free or as a separate downloadable program in any of our packages of beliefs and conditionings.

At our Facebook site (“become a fan”) we will remind you who you really are and give you the tools to be able to easily experience who you really are.

All of us need two things:

1.  the ability to free ourselves from our self-imposed limitations so we can live a more stress-free and satisfying life and

2.  the ability to regularly get in touch with the energy/consciousness/creator we really are.

We will provide you with tools to do both.

Use this site to ask your own questions and answer the questions of others.  What has helped you and what has disappointed you?  Books, workshops, CDs, DVDs, personal growth gurus.  Let’s create a site that will support all of us who really want to improve the quality of our lives.

How can we collaborate, cooperate, create what we want and need, explore and even enjoy ourselves?

The Internet now makes conversations possible that weren’t possible before.  Let’s learn from each other.  We no longer have to associate primarily with people in our neighborhoods, schools, or place of business.  Now we can find people with similar interests all over the world.  We’ve had customers in over 45 countries, all with a similar goal: to eliminate the barriers that keep them from being able to do what they’ve always wanted to do and live the live they’ve always wanted to live.

We at Lefkoe Institute see our job as supporting such people.  We’ve developed The Lefkoe Method that has proven itself repeatedly to make profound improvements in people’s lives.  Our mission is sharing it with the world, in order to help people free themselves from their internal limitations, so they can recreate their lives.

Moreover, the principles underlying the The Lefkoe Method explain many things about human behavior that weren’t clearly understood before.  That knowledge, which we are committed to sharing with you, enables you to better understand yourself and others.

Tell me what you want and need and we’ll do our best to provide it. Share about your own journey. Tell me what general topics you want covered and I’ll write about them in my weekly blog posts (which you can listen to as a podcast).  I’ll answer your specific personal questions on the Facebook/Recreate Your Life fan page.

Click here to “become a fan.”

If you find this post useful, please click on the Digg button below, which will make tens of thousands of people aware of it.  Thanks for helping us to help others.

We are now turning these weekly blog posts into podcasts.  Sign up for the RSS feed to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts by providing a link from your own website or blog to http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/recreateyourlife) where I answer your questions about the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

The first time I really allowed myself to experience my anger I fainted.

I was about 36 and had successfully suppressed my anger since childhood. And there I was in a group therapy session, hitting a mat with a stick with foam wrapped around it, screaming: “Mom, I’m really angry at you.” When I started the exercise I was only mouthing empty words, but then at some point the words became real and the anger surfaced. It terrified me so much that I literally passed out on the mat.

I fainted the next couple of times I tried that exercise, but eventually I was able to experience anger toward my mother that I had never allowed myself to experience. And I was able to remain in an upright position.

Although there probably aren’t many people who first experienced their anger in exactly the same way I did, there are millions who are terrified of experiencing their own anger or being in the presence of the anger of others. Many people get in touch with that anger in therapy or some personal growth course, and millions never do.

In addition to the fact that suppressing your anger is suppressing a part of yourself—in other words, having a part of you be unknown to you—suppressed anger has been implicated in serious illnesses, especially heart diseases.

So if you want to discover why our anger is so scary that we need to hide it, even from ourselves, and if we want to be able to experience anger without fear, read on and let me explain how we can do that.

The Primary Source of Our Fear

The primary source of our fear of anger is three specific beliefs and two conditionings. The beliefs are: Confrontation is dangerous, If I’m angry I’ll lose control, and Anger is dangerous. And the conditionings are: fear associated with anger and fear associated with confrontation. There can be a several others relevant beliefs and conditionings, but it is my experience that when these five have been eliminated, most of the fear we have of our own anger and the anger of others will be gone.

The source of these five beliefs and conditionings is almost always a childhood where one or both parents frequently displayed extreme anger. (I’ll explain why some people frequently express anger in a minute.) If we are terrified by the anger of our parents as a child, the typical reaction is the five beliefs and conditionings I listed.

The group therapy I described above helped me get in touch with my anger and allowed me to experience it instead of suppress it so totally that I didn’t even know I was feeling it. But my fear of anger did not disappear totally until I eliminated the five beliefs and conditionings several years later.

Now what about people who aren’t afraid of anger, but who themselves are angry a lot and express that anger as verbal or physical abuse? What is the source of that?

People Who Get Angry Easily

Kids want affection, attention, and acknowledgment. When they repeatedly can’t get what they want, they are likely to feel powerless. Also, frequently being told: “Just do it because I said so” can produce the same feeling. This leads to the belief I’m powerless.

This is a basic self-esteem belief that makes us feel out of control and insecure, because if we are powerless then we don’t have the ability to do what we think needs to be done. In other words, on a subconscious level we know our survival is always at stake.

When we form such a belief as a child we need to find some way to deal with the ever-present anxiety it produces. As I explained in a blog post last year (http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/), when we form a negative self-esteem belief as a child we need to develop some strategy to deal with it. For example, if we conclude I’m not good enough or important, the most common survival strategy is the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

And the most frequently-formed survival strategy when one concludes I’m powerless is, The way to be in control is to have everything be exactly the way I want it to be.

Think about this for a moment. Imagine you needed to have everything be exactly the way you wanted in order to feel in control. And if things weren’t exactly the way you wanted them to be—or if someone didn’t listen to you—you would feel powerless, which would lead to a profound anxiety. What would happen when someone or something kept you from having things the way you wanted them to be?

You’d feel lots of anger, probably rage. You would be angry at whomever or whatever you feel is making you feel powerless. And if it’s a child or spouse, the rage can easily turn into verbal and/or physical abuse. (This explains people like O.J. Simpson.)

(If you form the belief I’m powerless and don’t ever form the survival strategy belief, instead of exploding in anger you are likely to be a typical “victim.” You will always be talking about how people and events are “doing it to me” and you will allow people to take advantage of you.)

Based on over 25 years of experience I am now fairly certain that underneath all anger is a sense of powerlessness, because if you could do something about the situation you wouldn’t feel angry. And if the two beliefs I mentioned above were eliminated, a large part of one’s anger would be dissipated.

It’s amazing to think that merely getting rid of a few beliefs and conditionings could minimize one of the major sources of heart disease and getting rid of a few more could halt the epidemic of child and spouse abuse. Just one more example of the power of beliefs in our lives.

If you find this post useful, please click on the Digg button below, which will make tens of thousands of people aware of it. Thanks for helping us to help others.

We are now turning these weekly blog posts into podcasts. Sign up for the RSS feed to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts by providing a link from your own website or blog to http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/recreateyourlife) where I answer your questions about the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form.

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

Most of us would like to improve our level of confidence.

But why? How does a low level of confidence affect us and what changes in our lives when we gain confidence? What is confidence anyway?  Where does it come from?  Why do some people have more of it than others?

As someone who has helped literally thousands of people build more confidence, I think I am qualified to answer these questions.  (By the way, I had very little self-confidence for most of my life but now I consistently experience a high level of confidence.)

What is confidence?

Confidence actually exists on a continuum, ranging from a very low to a very high belief in our own abilities, a sense we can handle whatever life throws at us.  Very few people are totally lacking in confidence and very few feel confident that they can handle almost anything.  So the issue for most people is where they currently are on the continuum and how they can improve their confidence.

It is important to distinguish between confidence about being able to perform a specific task (such as fly a plane or speak a foreign language) and confidence in yourself. One might not be confident about being able to perform a specific task even though they have high level of self-confidence.  Such a person knows that her inability to perform a specific task means nothing about her as a person.

How to improve your level of confidence

The way to gain confidence about specific abilities is to learn those skills and practice a lot.  The way to improve our internal level of confidence that we apply to life in general is to eliminate our limiting beliefs.  Every negative belief we have lowers our internal level of self-confidence, beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m powerless, I’m not capable, Nothing I do is good enough, and I’m not worthy.

Once you understand that a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs lowers your level of self-confidence and getting rid of them raises it, you will understand the myth that self-confidence  comes from succeeding or failing at specific projects in life.

If you succeed at tasks as a kid and your parents constantly tell you that you should have done better, you are likely to conclude, Nothing I do is good enough and other similar beliefs that will lower your self-confidence.  On the other hand, if you don’t succeed at tasks a lot of the time as a kid and your parents say things like: “That’s okay, no one gets it right the first time.  If you keep practicing you will get better and better”—you are likely to conclude: If I keep trying I can do anything. That belief would raise your level of self-confidence.  In other words, your level of self-confidence  is a function of your beliefs, not your practical results.

And if you already have a bunch of positive self-esteem beliefs, failures later in life probably will be experienced as temporary set backs that have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Some of the consequences of low self-confidence

A low level of self-confidence can result in a host of other emotional problems, such as procrastination (we are afraid we won’t do a good job so we keep putting things off), worrying about the opinions of others (we don’t have confidence in our own opinion), a critical “little voice” in our head that constantly criticizes almost anything we do (because nothing we do is really good enough), and stress (because we are constantly worried that what we are doing is just not good enough).

Low self-confidence also can result in self-defeating behavior.  It can keep you from ever getting started.  Or it can have you quit at the first sign of a problem.  Or it can lead you to sabotage yourself when you get close to success because you feel you don’t really deserve to get what you want.  Or if somehow you manage to get some of what you want, a low level of self-confidence will keep you from truly enjoying your success.  The best illustration of this latter point is a study of large company CEOs done many years ago in which most of them admitted they were terrified that they would be “found out” and that it would all be taken away from them.

How building confidence improves your life

Some of the benefits of increased self-confidence include: You’ll take more chances. You’ll stop procrastinating.  You’ll do whatever you need to do to move your vision forward.  You’ll finally start things you’ve always wanted to do and never got around to doing. It will make social activity easier.  Talking to people and meeting new people will become easier and effortless.   Failure and mistakes will no longer be dreaded. And you’ll do what you want without worrying about what others will think.

Nothing I can say will provide as good a sense of what happens when you eliminate the beliefs that thwart a high level of self-confidence than a note someone posted on my blog.

First and foremost THANK YOU!

I thought I was confident before so I grab the [Natural Confidence] course just to see how it worked.  I starting doing them, I did the first one and when I said the belief, I could feel the charge inherent in it. I thought wow really. At the finish of the first belief, when we repeat the belief it was dead, no charge whatsoever. It was more observing the belief as if someone else said it not me believing it. That moment I was hooked.

I could not stop. I did the first 5 beliefs in a day. Each day I did 4-5 beliefs.

I love it. I don’t really know what I had before the course, it was not the confidence I thought.  But now I feel deep inside a calm assurance, a swagger if you will.  I am walking taller, chin up giving eye contact without instructing myself to. Before I would say to myself “you gotta make eye contact,” etc. There is no little voice telling me to act confident; it is just what I do now.  I just am Now.

They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear, I guess I was ready!

Thank you once again,

Giorgio

If you find this post useful, please click on the Digg button below, which will make tens of thousands of people aware of it.  Thanks for helping us to help others.

We are now turning these weekly blog posts into podcasts. Click here to receive them weekly. http://www.mortylefkoe.com/feed/podcast/

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

Please share my blog posts by providing a link from your own website or blog to http://mortylefkoe.com.

To purchase DVD programs that we guarantee to eliminate eight of the most common daily problems people face, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store.

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/recreateyourlife) where I answer your questions about the role of beliefs in our lives.

Finally, to receive notice of new blog posts, please fill out the following form. .

copyright ©2010 Morty Lefkoe

Note: There is an email link embedded within this post, please visit this post to email it.

It took me a long time to stop bragging.  About 50 years in fact.

As a child I always bragged about things that I thought would impress others.  How good my grades were.  Things I had done.  Popular kids I hung out with.  Having people think well of me was so important that I even lied just to impress others.

When I was 17 I was living in Miami Beach in an apartment with my mom.  From time to time I dated girls who visited Miami Beach on vacation.  One time I remember driving past my aunt’s beautiful house and saying to the girl: “That’s where I live.”  I would have been embarrassed to show her an apartment building and say I lived in there.  Living in the luxurious water-front house meant I was “someone special” and that’s how I wanted others to view me.

For most of my life I didn’t see my bragging as a problem.  I did it and most of the people I knew did it also.  It was just something that people did.

It wasn’t until I developed The Lefkoe Method about 25 years ago and started to figure out what beliefs caused which problems that I realized that bragging is actually a way to compensate for a low level of self-esteem.

Let me explain.

As I’ve written in the past, very few people escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs.  With few exceptions, parents aren’t aware how their behavior is instrumental in the beliefs their children are forming.  And as I said a few weeks ago in a post about parenting, parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet.  Parents for the most part want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them.

In other words, parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing.  They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.

The question is not, Do children frequently “disobey” their parents?  Children are developmentally incapable to living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do.

And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and abuse, with every possibility in between.  So we form negative beliefs about ourselves. (See http://mortylefkoe.com/031610)

Once we have a negative sense of ourselves, we need to find something that makes us feel good about ourselves, something that makes us feel able to survive and worthy of surviving.  I call these survival strategy behaviors, because they feel to us as if we need them to survive. They are formed early in life when we accidently do something and get a positive response from parents or some other person who is important to us.  That positive response makes us feel good about ourselves.  After a few repetitions, we conclude: What makes me good enough and important is … being successful, or doing things for people, or my accomplishments, or having people think well of me. (See my post on survival strategies, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/)

What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me is the most common survival strategy belief we’ve seen after working with over 13,000 clients in the past 25 years. And that’s why bragging is so common.

As I started to help clients eliminate this belief I discovered that I held it also.  Eventually I eliminated a lot of negative self-esteem beliefs and several survival strategy beliefs, including What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

After these beliefs were finally gone, I noticed one day that my bragging had stopped.  I knew I was okay the way I was and I no longer need the approval of others to make me feel okay.  I preferred that you like me, but your not liking me no longer meant anything about me.  So I didn’t have to do or say things to get your approval anymore.  A lifetime of bragging had stopped without me even noticing at first.

You might want to ask: Is every comment about one’s accomplishments “bragging”? Not necessarily.  Here’s how to tell the difference between someone bragging and merely stating facts: Are the “facts” repeated frequently; does there seem to be a need on the person’s part that you really get the importance of what they are telling you; does the speaker have a lot of energy on “the facts”? If so, you probably are hearing bragging coming from people who need you to think well of them to feel good about themselves.

If the accomplishments are presented as information, something the speaker is proud of but not “invested in,” without looking for or needing a positive reaction from you, it probably isn’t bragging.

Bragging isn’t bad and it isn’t wrong.  It’s merely the inevitable result of certain beliefs.  It’s not the bragging you want to get rid of, it’s the beliefs that have you brag to get the approval of others to feel okay about yourself.  And you can stop the bragging anytime you want by eliminating the negative self-esteem beliefs and the survival strategy beliefs that cause it.

If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the LBP, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.

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