“I’m not afraid of failing, why would you think that?”
This is a common response when I suggest to people who are afraid of taking action that what is really stopping them is a fear of failure. They explain that they aren’t thinking about failure; they are only aware of a vague sense of fear just before they are about to take some action. Nonetheless, let me explain why a fear of taking action is always a fear of failure and what you can do about it.
How I know fear of taking action is a fear of failure
I’ve worked with hundreds of people who had an intense fear of public speaking. Often they have told me that their fear is just a physical reaction. Their hands sweat; their heart pounds; they can’t remember what they had planned to say. But when I ask them to look inside and see what’s really going on they mention that they are afraid of not performing well and of everyone seeing that. In other words, they are afraid of failing and this fear is most intense for them when everyone would see their failure while speaking in front of a group.
Many procrastinators seem to not be aware why they procrastinate at first. They “just put things off “ as long as they possibly can. But when I ask them what they are feeling just before they put off doing what they had planned to do, they almost always reply, “fear.” And when I then ask, “What are you afraid of?”, they answer: “I won’t do it right” – in other words: I’ll fail. That’s what they really are afraid of and why they put off doing what they need to do.
Men who are afraid to approach women and start a conversation are afraid of a lot of things, but the most important is that they will be rejected. And when I ask such them what it means if they attempt to start a conversation with a woman and she clearly indicates she is not interested in talking to them, they usually reply: “I’ve failed.”
In other words, any time you are afraid of taking almost any type of action, a significant source of your fear is a fear of failure.
The fear of failure is not human nature
Because so many people fear failure it is often considered to be human nature. I disagree. Yes, it is common, but this fear is not inherent in being a human being. How do I know this? Because I’ve seen so many people totally extinguish this fear once its source has been eliminated.
What causes fear of failure?
In order to understand why a fear of failure is so common you first need to understand the cause of the fear. The primary cause is three beliefs and one conditioning. The beliefs are: Mistakes and failure are bad, if I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected, and what makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
Let me explain how these three beliefs—which most children form in childhood—necessarily lead to a fear of failure. First, if you think it is bad or wrong to fail, you will be afraid to do it. Second, merely thinking you will be rejected if you fail is not sufficient to cause fear. If, however, you base your sense of self-worth on what others think of you, then thinking others will reject you when you make a mistake will lead to you feeling something is wrong with you as a person—and that will cause fear.
The conditioning is: fear associated with failure, in other words, you are conditioned to automatically feel fear when one fails or even thinks one might fail
Obviously, if every time you didn’t live up to mom and dad’s expectations as a child they indicated you had failed at doing what you were supposed to have done—and then they got upset with you—you would condition any type of failure to produce fear. For details on how stimulus conditionings are formed please see how to eliminate your negative emotions.
How to get rid of fear of failure
Once you recognize the source of the fear, the solution is simple. Eliminate the three beliefs and decondition the conditioning. You can eliminate Mistakes and failure are bad on our free belief-elimination program at http://recreateyourlife.com. You can eliminate the other two beliefs on your own using a modified version of the Lefkoe Belief Process, which you can find here. And you can de-condition failure as a stimulus for fear using the steps of the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.
Thanks for reading my blog. Please post your questions or comments about the how the fear of failure is the major reason people fail to take action and how that fear can be easily eliminated. Your comments will add value for thousands of readers. I read them all and respond to as many as I can.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to my free belief elimination program where you can eliminate several limiting beliefs free.
Copyright © 2013 Morty Lefkoe
Hi,
I enjoyed your podcast on your daughter: (not taking no for an answer). So I’ll keep pressing even though you didn’t say no.
This is tangential, but you said in your blog:
“a fear of taking action is always a fear of failure and what you can do about it.”
I quote “always”. But maybe I misunderstood
Are you saying its a “sometimes” situation. That’s cool. I’m just looking for more explanation around the discrimination between the two. I figure that could help me and also the LBP thrive with others.
I would also add, I currently believe (open to change in belief) fear is an emotional response to events that don’t just threaten our survival, but threaten our happiness.
I think this is an important distinction, and helps one see fear as a friend, a companion as a feedback device.
So then, these emotions are great tools for navigation.
What I am trying to figure out, from a scientific, and a very real practical level, is to what extent can I, or ought I, disconnect from the “meaning” around a fear and therefor, not feel.
You can tell me I ought to just act or try it to see, yet that is something we’ve heard through history. Ought I try CrystalMeth to see if i like it? Ought I do “physical abuse” to see how it goes. Ought I do “Buddhism” before evaluating it? Maybe. Yet I think a common sense approach is good. Look at the anecdotal, scientific, and personal data or experience to decide how to proceed in life. This I think is really important as I observe or project that others could use a solution!
Love,
Jon
A question I have is this, starts with a quick story:
So i was in Southern Africa years ago. Some friends were swimming at sundown, and I didn’t. I was afraid of sharks.
I’d done mountaineering training in Kenya previously, so i wasn’t shy to be eaten by a number of animals.
Later, I was told the spot they swam was risky to swim in, sharks were a plenty.
So…was that based on “fear of failure”. Or “desire to live”.
Can mammalian or human fear, which one might say has evolved over thousands of years be a wonderful tool for information not accessible by the rational mind?
Certainly our reptile brain can sabotage us in contemporary life at many time, yet what I am interested in is questioning generalizations, looking for efficacy studies, and long term evidence of efficacy that’s non-anecdotal as best as can be.
I figure that’s a wonderful driver, just like life, to take action. Use fear to take action, or take action by non-doing.
And that’s back to my point. Is it possible that fear can be belief in life? Can be a driver to survive and dance and enjoy, when sharks might eat you if you don’t listen to your body.
Perhaps we are saying the same thing thing.
When I imagine you morty I don’t imagine you not making choices and heeding rational fears or risks. What of fear that feels deep inside? I’d love to hear more about this.
Thanks!
-Jon
Hi Jon,
Fear is the emotional response to a perceived threat to one’s survival. That’s good.
However, we can give that meaning to events that really aren’t a threat, so that we feel fear in situations where there is no real threat to our survival. We also can condition situations to produce fear when there is no real threat.
Love, Morty
I’ve seen some good results in this in me as I’ve done your method the past month again. I think in me there are layers of beliefs.
But I’ve already been “rejected” by women pretty hardcore, and been, “Whatever” about it. Then I’m able to continue to engage with them and it’s great because they relax as they see I’m not really hurt.
Separating meaning from events is a tool I selectively use and im really interested in it also as a more fulltime endeavor.
I still have some philosophical, moral, and scientific curiosities…yet so far the experience has seemed quite positive.
I’d say that all that matters, and maybe it is, yet I’m aware of some research that points to human capacity for delusion around improvement therapies.
And, thanks for what seems to be some really amazing stuff. If it’s as effective as you believe it is and could be for the world, I hope it can be spread like a positive virus, infecting peace and incorporating within human thought and education.
“I’m not afraid of failing”, this is indeed a rare statement I have ever heard in recent time. Though I believe failure is mostly inevitable to success, but I have never thought it healthy for one to consciously anticipate a romantic feeling with the thought of failing and brace-up to its sequences even before it occurs. Thank you for your wise choice of words: “The fear of failure is not human nature” if only this can be taught at childhood stage to help build the courage and boldness in our children to embrace and confront failure as yardstick for success in all works of life. Shalom.
Perfect synchronicity. Just yesterday I was able to rid myself of the belief Mistakes and failure are bad. I was even able to shorthand it with my little self. I used the example of Edison trying 1,000 different attempts to create electricity. I got the idea from your “Don’t Give Up. Ever. No Matter What.”. She saw that by making mistakes it just showed that someone was “doing” something–that with quitting you wind up with nothing–and, worse. That quitting was more of a failure than attempting anything. Anyway, today I was thinking I need to de-condition–and, there it was in my e-mail! Thank you so much, Morty.
Hi Becky,
I’m glad I was able to provide just what you needed when you needed it.
Love, Morty