Have you been trying to “get better”—to make a significant improvement in your life—without real success?

If so, then you are one of the tens of millions of people who either are in psychotherapy or part of the personal growth movement—reading books, attending workshops, and using digital products—in an attempt to reduce your anxiety and suffering and increase your happiness.

Unfortunately the success rate for these people is not very high.  Although there is often some improvement, the negative self-talk, some noticeable anxiety, and an obsessive concern with the opinions of others usually continue after years of therapy and many courses.

Let me offer a possible explanation

Most therapies and personal growth systems assume that we all live and deal with the same objective reality, and that some of us need better thinking and/or additional skills and information to deal with it more effectively.

I think the reason for their poor success rates is that their basic assumption is flawed: we are not all dealing with the same objective reality and our biggest problem is not our inability to deal effectively with that reality.  Instead, the problem is that we are all dealing with different realities (based on our beliefs) and our problems arise primarily from our mistaken views of reality.

Let me elaborate.  Beliefs are statement about reality that we feel are the truth.  “I am ….”  “People are ….”  “Life is ….”  Beliefs like these describe our reality.  We think it really is true that I am not good enough, or people can’t be trusted, or life is difficult.  If you hold these beliefs, for you they are actual descriptions of the world you live in.  The problem for you and others holding such beliefs people isn’t merely an inability to cope with the world as it really is, their real problem is that they are trying to deal effectively with a world that exists only in their mind.

For example, if you believe that mistakes and failure are bad and that if I make a mistake I’ll be rejected, then that is a fact in your world.  That is an accurate description of the way the world really is, for you.  That view of the world will inhibit you from trying new things, it likely will make you afraid to speak in public, it will result in anxiety that you will do something wrong and get rejected, and other dysfunctional behavior.

If in the “real” world mistakes and failure are only good learning experiences, if really successful people consider their “mistakes” and “failures” to be merely building blocks for later success, then people with the two beliefs just mentioned don’t need to think more effectively, to learn how to handle their emotions better, or to devise more effective business strategies—they need to change their view of reality.  In other words, they need to eliminate their beliefs about mistakes and failure that constitute as aspect of their worldview.

Relationship problems are usually not due to a lack of interpersonal skills

Here’s another illustration of my point.  Imagine that in your world, it was a fact that you were not loveable, that relationships never worked out in the long run, and that men/women couldn’t be trusted.  For you, given the nature of your world, the possibility of a good, nurturing, loving long-term relationship would be slim to nil.  Not because of your fears or your lack of social skills, but because your behavior in relationships is shaped totally by your view of yourself, potential mates, and relationships. 

Learning more interpersonal skills, better understanding your childhood influences, and learning some behaviors that make for better relationships will do little to help you have better relationships if you have the beliefs I just named.

What will help you create and sustain a loving, satisfying relationship?  Changing your beliefs so that you live in a world in which you are loveable, relationships can work, and men/women can be trusted.

There obviously are times when having certain skills and information can improve your ability to make money, have better relationships, be more successful at whatever your do, and reduce negative feelings.  I am not saying that eliminating beliefs and changing your worldview will automatically provide you with everything you want, automatically.  Regardless of your worldview, some behaviors will be more effective in getting what you want than others.

The single most important factor determining your happiness

What I am saying—based on what we’ve learned after helping over 13,000 clients in one-to-one sessions and over 150,000 people in our digital programs—is that the single most important thing causing the behavioral and emotional problems we face is our beliefs.  And the single most important thing we can do to eliminate the behavioral and emotional problems we face is to eliminate the beliefs that determine our distorted worldview.

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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.

For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

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copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe

11 Comments

  1. Joseann May 30, 2012 at 5:56 am - Reply

    @Morty: “I’m not sure how to install positive beleifs so that you really believe them, however I think it is more powerful to complete the Who Am I Really? Process after eliminating beliefs and experience yourself as the creator of your life. ”
    This has got me thinking about what “creator” actually means. Basically, what WAIR process does is allow me to realize that I cannot be my beliefs, but the consciousness that formed the beliefs. Consequently, I can change them. But, if I am not able to form positive beliefs at will, how much of a creator am I for my creation? I can see that I can create a more pleasant experience by “uncreating” negative beliefs, which is lots in itself, but if I wanted to really create a life experience of my choice for my creation, I should be able to create any set of beliefs I want. So, how do I create a belief? How do we make a meaning true? What is the factor that makes us decide that something is true for us so we can experience how the world feels with that belief?

    • Morty Lefkoe May 30, 2012 at 7:52 am - Reply

      Hi Joseann,

      Beliefs are originally created by unconsciously giving meaning to meaningless events. I’m not sure how to consciously do that.

      But as I explain, I think it is more powerful to experience yourself as the “creator” than a creation with positive beliefs.

      Love,Morty

  2. Stephen May 14, 2012 at 2:16 am - Reply

    Morty,

    Let me be frank. I have been not merely struggling with these types of thoughts and feelings, but have been utterly failing at eliminating them for over thirty years of my life.

    Now, at 46, and having been married to a wonderful woman–who was worth waiting 30 plus years to find (sometimes it *does* take that long to find the right one), I am still ‘utterly failing’ and it has become a pain to my mate in our relationship.

    She doesn’t always say it, but she has listened to me many a time, and it all comes down to this: “I wish I could help you, I really want to help you.” What she’s intimating–and one doesn’t have to be a Freud or a Jung to figure it out–is that she’s, effectively, done all she can for her husband up to this time, and, although she will be there to support me emotionally, I’ve got to do the rest of the work.

    Also, I’m learning-disabled, on social security disability, and unemployed. I’ve tried going to college–in fact, am enrolled in a business administration program through an online school, using student aid–but I still struggle with all the issues I had whilst in high school–and am also re-living the emotional angst and traumas each day I’m logged in to the university.

    This creates a continual vicious circle/cycle of dysfunctional thought behavior that inhibits my innate creative potential from showing itself, completely, fully, totally. Now, my disability issues appertain to certain organizational and mathematical deficits. I also have A.D.D. My main strengths are that I learn visually instead of through direct computation, and I write like a demon–at least when I’m motivated. My main area of writing interest is fiction, although I do entertain some thoughts to technical writing.

    I’m also thoroughly enmeshed in computer technology, and have a fervent interest in a technically-oriented sub-branch of geography called geomatics, which is, putting it simply, electronic mapping and charting. It is also known as Geographical Information Science, or GIS.

    I have self-taught myself the GNU/Linux operating system, and have experience with several linux distributions. I use Windows, of course–who doesn’t–but my main focus is open source/free software. There are a lot of free mapping and charting programs to use, so I have them downloaded, to both OS’s.

    So, as you can see, I have some intelligence. Yet, I’m still unemployed, and have such a hard time getting through to a solution to what should be–relatively speaking–simple problems to solve within a given discipline, that I don’t see through to the solution, because all the negative emotions are forming a mental roadblock I just can’t punch through or tear down.

    It’s debilitating for me! I am looking for a new career, and this state of mind/being is devouring me inside, eating me up a little bit each day. I’ve taken an official leave of absence from school, both to reconsider my academic and vocational paths, as well as to “clean up the mess in side my mental house!”

    I have not found a solution so far. I also have money issues, and do not have good credit–as you might guess with all these emotional and belief issues: “I’m not able to get a loan, as I’m not good with money, and have bad credit–which I’ll never be able to change, as I haven’t been able to change it in the last thirty years, so it will stay the same. . .etc.”

    That’s the kind of internal self-talk that runs through my head all the time. I play the keyboard (electronic piano) for my own enjoyment (wish I could play at a professional level one day), and have music and song running through my mind a lot. Sometimes these negative thoughts work their way into my singing them out loud. What this does is synergize–as music is wont to do–through the music/negative thought energy patterns, a Complete Failure Mode, readymade, turn-key.

    Morty, I’m miserable. I do have positive moments, and can be very creative with my music, which tends toward the easy-listening/smooth jazz genre, and I love it! I feel very relaxed when I play, but I still can’t realize my truest potential for bringing tears to the eyes of thousands through my musical strains, especially when I am feeling so bad about myself all the time.

    I’ve “learned to self-sabotage ” my highest efforts with internal negative self-talk, and it’s more powerful than any “power of positive thinking” program, as it’s got thirty plus years of seniority inside my head. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a change!

    I have a few goals I’m working toward this summer, one of which is to purchase a new scooter for a trip back to my home state of Michigan this fall. The thing costs about $10,000.00 dollars, so it’s a lofty goal. I really need to re-visit some old places, as well as relatives, as I need a break. I want to find a good job and start saving. Whether or not I do it by my target date of Sept. 28, 2012–I’ve set it up as an event on my Facebook account–will depend on whether or not I can alleviate my ‘internal suffering’ and create a state of internal harmony which will allow me to either get a good paying job which will allow me to achieve that lofty motorcycle goal, or publish something that will set me up for a while, at least enough to start putting money in the bank.

    A lot on my plate… Some goals, both academic and material. A need for money. The usual suspects. So what can I do? I’m looking for an holistic solution, a one-off, one-time methodology that I don’t have to do too much thinking upon. I just want to “do it,” like in the Nike commercials.

    Well, that’s it. Thank you for reading this. If you can suggest some things, I would be deeply grateful.

    Warm Regards,
    Stephen A. Brown
    Jefferson City, Missouri

    • Morty Lefkoe May 30, 2012 at 7:49 am - Reply

      Hi Stephen,

      Thanks for taking the time to tell me your “story.” I don’t know of any easy “fix,” but eliminating the beliefs that have you self-sabotaging and feeling so miserable would make a profound difference.

      You can eliminate 19 of the most common negative beliefs at http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.

      I wish you the best and trust you will be able to turn your life around. My life was pretty screwed up for many years until I started eliminating beliefs.

      Love,Morty

  3. Ben May 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm - Reply

    Definately Morty,
    Trying to stack new stuff on top of those negative beliefs may help a little but the change doesn’t last as the negativity is still there. I’m glad there is other people out there starting to realize that beliefs are an important part of this changework. :)

    -Ben

  4. john kerr May 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm - Reply

    Morty, you asked if I were trying to get “better”. Not sure who said it, but I think it is what I am trying to do…..”Don’t strive to become a better you, just discover who you really are, and strive to become that.”. Not much different from your thoughts I think. I have appreciated you sharing your thoughts with me / us. Thanks! John

  5. Beau May 10, 2012 at 9:42 am - Reply

    Hi Morty,

    I loved Natural Confidence. I was amazed how easy it was to eliminate a deeply held negative belief!

    I am curious, though, you focus a lot on eliminating negative beliefs, but is there any process to install a POSITIVE belief?

    For example, I realized I had grown up with beliefs like “I am ugly,” “There is something wrong with me,” and “Nobody will ever love me,” which made it difficult for me to have a normal relationship. I’ve eliminated those, but is there a way to install a belief like “I am attractive,” “It’s normal for people to like me,” “beginning a new relationship is fun,” or other beliefs that would help motivate me to pursue a relationship?

    Thanks again for everything you do!

    • Morty Lefkoe May 10, 2012 at 10:30 am - Reply

      Hi Beau,

      I’m not sure how to install positive beleifs so that you really believe them, however I think it is more powerful to complete the Who Am I Really? Process after eliminating beliefs and experience yourself as the creator of your life. That is more powerful than being a better creation.

      Love,Morty

    • Joseann May 30, 2012 at 2:22 am - Reply

      Weird that a person who is named “Beau” has a belief “I am ugly”. Beau is French for “Beautiful”.

  6. Justin Mazza May 10, 2012 at 8:29 am - Reply

    So true Morty. The external World is an illusion but our experience of it is very real to us. We could all enjoy our lives if we had beliefs that encourage us to live and grow instead of sheltering ourselves from it.

  7. Matt May 10, 2012 at 6:59 am - Reply

    so that was the reason why all the years I hardly made any changes in my behavior and life: beliefs and thus the look (filter) on reality they created for me

    once I started approaching this issue from the POV that limiting beliefs can and are to be eliminated or reframed my blurred (and unrealistic) view on life, people, events, etc. became more clear and so far my mood, body language and posture, etc. have changed significantly in a matter of weeks or even days

    and I have to thank you, Morty, for your naturalconfidence program which plays an very important part in this (besides that I use Hypnosis, EFT, and other “energy medicine” techniques)

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