“Why don’t you have a belief-elimination package that will help me get or improve my relationship?” we are asked regularly. Most of the eight packages we offer will significantly improve your sense of yourself, which obviously will help you improve your relationships, but none of the existing packages deals specifically with relationships.
We aren’t holding out on you. If we could create such a package, we would. But let me explain why it is so difficult to create a relationship package (at least given our ability to create pre-recorded belief-elimination packages right now).
The programs we currently have—such as procrastination, worrying what people think of you, lack of self-confidence, and stress—are caused by roughly the same beliefs for everyone. Each problem is very specific and the beliefs that cause it are the same for about 90% of the people with the problem.
A relationship problem, however, can be different for different people. For example, you can be shy and afraid to approach someone for a date, or if approached feel uncomfortable about talking to the person approaching you.
Or you can have a problem initiating a conversation or keeping one going when on a date. Or once you are in a relationship you can sabotage it. Or stay in a bad one despite it not working. Or leave as soon as it gets difficult and never really trying to make it work. Unfortunately, there are numerous ways you can screw up a relationship.
As a result we would need at least 10 different relationship packages, each with different relationship beliefs (anywhere from 5-20). And some beliefs would show up in several different programs and some would be unique to each program.
Take a look at just some of the beliefs that could negatively affect relationships that you might have (in addition to the negative self-esteem beliefs that underlie almost any relationship problem) to get a sense of what I mean. I’ve listed over 30 and there are even more that show up from time to time.
Men/women can’t be trusted.
Men/women are unfeeling/controlling/unreliable/unpredictable/emotionally unavailable/always cheat on their partner/etc.)
Relationships are difficult/don’t last/don’t work/are suffocating/etc.
The type of man/woman I would want wouldn’t want me.
I’m unattractive.
I’m too heavy.
Men don’t want heavy women.
I’m not what men/women want.
I have to be thin to have a man want me.
I’ll never get what I want.
Men have all the power.
There are no good men out there; they’re all taken.
Women/men are evil.
Men/women are selfish.
If I don’t take care of myself no one else will.
The way to survive is to always be in control.
The way to have power is to control and dominate.
Nothing good lasts.
If I get into a relationship, I’ll be abandoned/smothered.
To be in a relationship I have to sacrifice myself/what I want.
What makes me good enough is working hard/achieving/being successful/having a lot of money. (These beliefs will keep you at the office and away from your partner.)
Anger is dangerous.
Confrontation is dangerous.
It’s dangerous to express my feelings.
Any man/woman who would want me, I wouldn’t want.
It is highly unlikely that anyone would hold all these beliefs, but depending on which ones you do hold, different relationship problems would show up.
As I mentioned earlier, our negative self-esteem beliefs also inhibit nurturing long-term relationships. If you think, I’m not lovable/good enough/worthy, you are unlikely to think that others could find you lovable/good enough/worthy. And what if you believe Life is difficult or I’ll never get what I want? Or, No one is interested in what I have to say, I don’t matter, or What I want/think/feel doesn’t matter?
The inability to form a nurturing and lasting relationship and the inability to make an existing relationship work are the result of beliefs, just like any other problem. But because there are so many difficult types of relationship problems, we can’t (at least at present) offer an on-line or DVD program. In our one-on-one phone or Skype sessions we are able to pinpoint the exact nature of your relationship issue and then help you identify and eliminate the specific beliefs causing that problem.
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Copyright © 2009 Morty Lefkoe
Thanks for this great post. The big question is when to decide if a belief is a limiting one or one that actually mirrors reality.
For example, an older woman may feel that men generally prefer younger, attractive women and this is not a false belief, in fact, it is biological fact. However, that does not mean that an older woman cannot ever find a suitable partner and if she believes that, then it is a limiting belief. The odds against older folks in this area are real though.
Another big question is how does a person decide whether to stay or leave a relationship. As for the ‘negative’ belief that relationships do not last, that is a fact, isn’t it? They either end through death or separation.
It is important to first distinguish between a belief and statistical facts.
Hi Shlomit,
Thanks for your response to my blog post.
I think your last paragraph is the most important. I’ve told my daughters that the most important thing to look for when they choose a husband is the commitment to grow, to change, to work on themselves, etc.
If a spouse has that, most things can be fixed as you go along. Without that it won’t take long before the relationship is in trouble.
Regards, Morty
This is all very important for people to consider. Firstly, I believe that every experience one has in life is there for a reason and something the person must learn from, so even relationships that didn’t work out are not necessarily ‘failures.’ Still, the ideal would be if people worked on being happy with themselves and their lives before they got into romantic relationships, particularly to settle down for marriage. Otherwise, if they have issues they haven’t properly dealt with, or worse, are even in denial of, they will most likely bring those into the relationship. Having a partner doesn’t magically make things go away, and the couple may actually serve as sort of mirrors for each other and show things more openly.
Also, low self-esteem can create abusive relationships. People cannot be counting on others all the time to fulfill voids within them or solve their issues. It’s not fair to the other person and is not healthy. This goes for any type of relationship. Healthy relationships are built on trust, openness, and respect for one another. A healthy level of assertiveness is also important.
The difficult thing is that it could take a long time to get to a place of true love and joy for oneself and one’s life. Should people have to wait so long before they allow themselves to get into romantic relationships then? I guess at least having the self-awareness and making an effort to work on oneself, and knowing your partner has or is doing so, is most important.
Morty,
Everything you write about is what I believe. I wish I could put my thoughts to words as beautifully as you.
Lori