The first time I really allowed myself to experience my anger I fainted.

I was about 36 and had successfully suppressed my anger since childhood. And there I was in a group therapy session, hitting a mat with a stick with foam wrapped around it, screaming: “Mom, I’m really angry at you.” When I started the exercise I was only mouthing empty words, but then at some point the words became real and the anger surfaced. It terrified me so much that I literally passed out on the mat.

I fainted the next couple of times I tried that exercise, but eventually I was able to experience anger toward my mother that I had never allowed myself to experience. And I was able to remain in an upright position.

Although there probably aren’t many people who first experienced their anger in exactly the same way I did, there are millions who are terrified of experiencing their own anger or being in the presence of the anger of others. Many people get in touch with that anger in therapy or some personal growth course, and millions never do.

In addition to the fact that suppressing your anger is suppressing a part of yourself—in other words, having a part of you be unknown to you—suppressed anger has been implicated in serious illnesses, especially heart diseases.

So if you want to discover why our anger is so scary that we need to hide it, even from ourselves, and if we want to be able to experience anger without fear, read on and let me explain how we can do that.

The Primary Source of Our Fear

The primary source of our fear of anger is three specific beliefs and two conditionings. The beliefs are: Confrontation is dangerous, If I’m angry I’ll lose control, and Anger is dangerous. And the conditionings are: fear associated with anger and fear associated with confrontation. There can be a several others relevant beliefs and conditionings, but it is my experience that when these five have been eliminated, most of the fear we have of our own anger and the anger of others will be gone.

The source of these five beliefs and conditionings is almost always a childhood where one or both parents frequently displayed extreme anger. (I’ll explain why some people frequently express anger in a minute.) If we are terrified by the anger of our parents as a child, the typical reaction is the five beliefs and conditionings I listed.

The group therapy I described above helped me get in touch with my anger and allowed me to experience it instead of suppress it so totally that I didn’t even know I was feeling it. But my fear of anger did not disappear totally until I eliminated the five beliefs and conditionings several years later.

Now what about people who aren’t afraid of anger, but who themselves are angry a lot and express that anger as verbal or physical abuse? What is the source of that?

People Who Get Angry Easily

Kids want affection, attention, and acknowledgment. When they repeatedly can’t get what they want, they are likely to feel powerless. Also, frequently being told: “Just do it because I said so” can produce the same feeling. This leads to the belief I’m powerless.

This is a basic self-esteem belief that makes us feel out of control and insecure, because if we are powerless then we don’t have the ability to do what we think needs to be done. In other words, on a subconscious level we know our survival is always at stake.

When we form such a belief as a child we need to find some way to deal with the ever-present anxiety it produces. As I explained in a blog post last year (https://www.mortylefkoe.com/how-do-beliefs-produce-%E2%80%9Cdriven%E2%80%9D-compulsive-behavior/), when we form a negative self-esteem belief as a child we need to develop some strategy to deal with it. For example, if we conclude I’m not good enough or important, the most common survival strategy is the belief: What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me.

And the most frequently-formed survival strategy when one concludes I’m powerless is, The way to be in control is to have everything be exactly the way I want it to be.

Think about this for a moment. Imagine you needed to have everything be exactly the way you wanted in order to feel in control. And if things weren’t exactly the way you wanted them to be—or if someone didn’t listen to you—you would feel powerless, which would lead to a profound anxiety. What would happen when someone or something kept you from having things the way you wanted them to be?

You’d feel lots of anger, probably rage. You would be angry at whomever or whatever you feel is making you feel powerless. And if it’s a child or spouse, the rage can easily turn into verbal and/or physical abuse. (This explains people like O.J. Simpson.)

(If you form the belief I’m powerless and don’t ever form the survival strategy belief, instead of exploding in anger you are likely to be a typical “victim.” You will always be talking about how people and events are “doing it to me” and you will allow people to take advantage of you.)

Based on over 25 years of experience I am now fairly certain that underneath all anger is a sense of powerlessness, because if you could do something about the situation you wouldn’t feel angry. And if the two beliefs I mentioned above were eliminated, a large part of one’s anger would be dissipated.

It’s amazing to think that merely getting rid of a few beliefs and conditionings could minimize one of the major sources of heart disease and getting rid of a few more could halt the epidemic of child and spouse abuse. Just one more example of the power of beliefs in our lives.

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29 Comments

  1. Stuart January 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm - Reply

    Very interesting… the similarities to David in the above post!

    My father was an orphan born in 1929… obviously a child out of wedlock was taboo back in those days. so I can accept it was a very tough and unloved childhood growing up in his shoes, which explains his anger from his complete and utter powerlessness!

    So subsequently he, as a father was very angry and strict on his own 3 children… my elder sister, my middle brother and me! Because mothering 3 kids under 7 years took his wife’s focus and attention almost totally away from him, I believe he was jealous of us… his own 3 kids. Our mother most probably spent more time with us than him!
    My father has never dealt with his situation of abandonment and rejection and has seemingly suffered terribly all his life. Self pity, selfishness, don’t think of any one other than yourself

    Even though I am 50 now and I admit I don’t really know who he is (even after sharing the same house for 25 years before I moved out of home) had a close relationship with
    He would say things like money doesn’t grow on trees, I never had that when I was your age and so the resentment went on and on… to the point of, we 3 kids were blamed for everything, including the eventual relationship failure, total breakdown of the marriage and finally separation and divorce. this created a build up of his own underlining rage!

    I have since found out from my mother

    • Stuart January 7, 2012 at 8:03 pm - Reply

      This is Part 2 of the above comment which should have read like this!

      My father has never dealt with the circumstances of his mothers abandonment / rejection… and has seemingly suffered terribly all his life. Self pity, selfishness, don’t think of any one other than himself, lack of empathy, unloved, not able to feel or show love…
      I know this because unfortunately I seemed to have inherit these traits for myself and there fore have struggled with relationship commitments both at work, with my girl friends and to some extent with my friends.

      I have never married and have no kids… yet! both by choice, as I have been dealing with my own health and energy problems and have struggled looking after myself… Let alone a wife and kids.

      Even though I am 50 now and I admit I don’t really know who he is (even after sharing the same house for my first 25 years before I moved out of home)…
      Strangely enough I never had a close or respectful relationship with him!

      Part 3 any one?

      • Morty Lefkoe January 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm - Reply

        Hi Stuart,

        We don’t “inherit” traits like those you mentioned. Self-pity, selfishness, etc. are the result of beliefs, not genetics. Get rid of the beleifs and the traits will disappear. I’ve seen it happen hundreds if not thousands of times.

        The events of your childhood, as unpleasant as they might have been then, are not having any influence on your life today. What is running your life today is the meaning you gave those childhood events, i.e., the beliefs you formed.

        Get rid of them and transform your life. I promise.

        Love, Morty

  2. Rebekah May 25, 2010 at 11:11 am - Reply

    Mr. Lefkoe,
    I learned through a great program called The Peaceful Solution Character Education Program that anger is a secondary emotion. Isn’t this the emotion we use instead of dealing with the primary emotions, such as fear, hurt, insecurity, anxiety, shame, etc.? Peaceful Solution is hosting a FREE Summer Seminar in Abilene Texas this summer. I want to invite YOU, Mr. Lefkoe and everyone else to attend!!! http://www.peacefulsolution.com Call 1-888-613-9494 or 325-672-9492
    Thanks,
    Rebekah

  3. David May 11, 2010 at 3:55 am - Reply

    My perception has been that Fear, wearing many masks, is the root of all my anger and frustration. Now I see that Powerlessness is the root of my fear.
    I can imagine a logical chain of events starting with birth, being prematurely weaned, my father’s depature from the home, my mother’s leaving me in care centers to find and keep jobs, and relocation from school to school later becoming the same pattern I inflicted on my children because I never found my power.
    Obviously, I still have not found it: my career is still unstabel, resentments and rage strike me blindside and my concentration is lost with minimal interruption.
    Where do we start to heal these wounds in ourselves and our families?

    • admin May 11, 2010 at 1:24 pm - Reply

      Hi David,

      Your childhood is not creating problems in your life now. The meaning you gave your childhood experiences is still with you in the form of beliefs.

      Get rid of the beliefs, such as I’m powerless, and your life will clear up. I promise. You really can get rid of your resentments and rage.

      Regards, Morty

  4. sonia April 28, 2010 at 1:00 pm - Reply

    a very helpful and insightful analysis.

    • admin April 28, 2010 at 4:24 pm - Reply

      Hi Sonia,

      Thanks for taking the time to let me know you found my anger post helpful.

      Regards, Morty

  5. Olga López April 20, 2010 at 4:43 pm - Reply

    yessssssssssssss I completely agree with you. I had not thought. Please enlighten me. To be for life, we should be changing the belief system that is at the end that produces all the frustrations in life. To have limiting beliefs. Thanks again, Greetings and Blessings million, Olga López

    • admin April 23, 2010 at 10:59 am - Reply

      Hi Olga,

      Thanks for the continuing dialogue.

      Please stay in touch as you eliminate more belief sot let me know how they change your life.

      Regards, Morty

  6. Olga López April 20, 2010 at 11:49 am - Reply

    Very true what is said, thousands of us never do group therapy to address these emotional disorders. Fortunately, in 1995 I did some workshops on human development that I loved and many could get away bad energies through what is called catharsis, and came out shining. I’m thinking about it again. I’ve always liked looking better person. Millions Greetings and Blessings, Olga López

    • admin April 20, 2010 at 4:36 pm - Reply

      Hi Olga,

      Thanks for sharing your own experience. Unfortunately, the workshops open things up, but don’t get rid of the problems permanently like when you eliminate the beliefs that cause the problems.

      Regards, Morty

  7. Janet April 19, 2010 at 6:37 pm - Reply

    Hello Monty,
    It’s Janet again. There are some people who are angry and have not been able to find the source of it. Do you have any suggestions for how they can pin point the beliefs they hold that cause the anger? Thanks

    • admin April 20, 2010 at 8:37 am - Reply

      Hi Janet,

      I actually list the primary beliefs in the article. In order to identify all the relevant beliefs for any specific person, we’d have to have a private session with that person.

      Regards, Morty

  8. Janet April 18, 2010 at 5:42 pm - Reply

    Thanks Morty,
    You really hit it on the head when you said that powerlessness can be a cause of anger.
    And sometimes we are powerless to make things different. But knowing when we can or can’t takes the anger away. We always have the choice in how we deal with things. The serenity prayer puts it all together so well. ” God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

  9. James Wadkins April 17, 2010 at 6:36 pm - Reply

    I enjoyed this post but I was wondering how I can release these beliefs and conditionings: Confrontation is dangerous, If I’m angry I’ll lose control, and Anger is dangerous. And the conditionings are: fear associated with anger and fear associated with confrontation. I did not see them on the list of beliefs at the http://www.recreateyourlife.com/store/beliefs-list.php website. I am hoping that these beliefs will be made available soon.

    Thanks,

    James

    • admin April 18, 2010 at 11:34 am - Reply

      Hi James,

      We don’t have these beliefs and conditionings available on the web site, but we can help people eliminate them in an hour or two at most in private phone sessions. We don’t have any intention of creating these as Internet products anytime soon.

      For more information, please call us at 415-456-3700. Thanks for your interest in our work.

      Regards, Morty

  10. Gloria April 17, 2010 at 4:33 pm - Reply

    This article is great. I’m often angry and I never knew it was because I was feeling powerless. When I look back I see that is exactly how I feel when I’m angry. Thanks Morty. Great Stuff

    • admin April 18, 2010 at 11:27 am - Reply

      Hi Gloria,

      Now that you know what causes it, get rid of the beliefs (especially I’m powerless) so you can get rid of the anger.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

      Regards, Morty

  11. Horvath Ernone April 16, 2010 at 7:07 am - Reply

    tHANKS YOU FOR PARTICIPATING INTHAT DISCUSS ABOUT ANGRINESS. I agree that it is some kind of impossibility,s feeling and that to give it out can be a relief pulsation and breath like to get rid off from somekind of posisoning thing and rahter more easy was to do that with sorroundings. It is better if we are need for that angriness only seldom. For a certain extent we have to rain our feelings when they are exceeding, don,t you think it so? “You can be angry sometime, but don,t mistaken” Don,t go to the bed with your angryness, ask for realiving from Your God for that feeling!

    • admin April 18, 2010 at 11:26 am - Reply

      Hi Hovath,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment on my post.

      Yes, do not go to be angry. Eliminate the beliefs and conditionings that cause the anger and it will disappear.

      Regards, Morty

  12. garry April 16, 2010 at 4:25 am - Reply

    thyanks mate

    • admin April 18, 2010 at 11:24 am - Reply

      Hi Garry,

      You’re welcome.

      Regards, Morty

  13. Marilyn R Williams April 15, 2010 at 3:56 pm - Reply

    Thanks for a new look at why people get angry – explains my father. He was raised by a man hating mother and very weak, abusive father and become a woman hating abusive adult as a result.

    I became a victim – wasn’t allowed to defend myself and always brought those situations into my life. Finally, I stopped just taking it – but now I have a different way of looking at the situation.

    Still not sure how to handle situations where I am powerless – like when someone steals from me….but I am trying to find ways.

    The email with this post came right at the perfect time – I was feeling some extreme anger!

    Now, I will just find a way to get my power back. Thank you, Morty.

    • admin April 18, 2010 at 11:23 am - Reply

      Hi Marilyn,

      Actually, you are never really powerless. There is always something you can do to improve any given situation. Your beliefs are limiting the possibilities that you can see.

      Eliminate a few more beliefs, especially I’m powerless, and see what possibilities open up for you.

      Regards, Morty

  14. Elsa April 15, 2010 at 4:22 am - Reply

    “Based on over 25 years of experience I am now fairly certain that underneath all anger is a sense of powerlessness, because if you could do something about the situation you wouldn’t feel angry.”

    That’s so much the situation for me – having learned in childhood I had to accept things, was powerless in many ways, especially if the other person was “nice” and in some way weak. Poor them. Rather than, hey, that’s just not fair. Why can they mess up and I have to accept things.

    And, though much less, that sense of powerlessness can still emerge, given the right specific trigger – and the response is still a (way smaller) surge of anger, until I say: wait a minute, no need for anger, the other person just has to be help responsible for his or her actions. And then, relief, calm, inner ease.

    Where I don’t feel powerless (no inner impulse to feel I need to take inappropriate care of another), there’s no anger.

    Will the last vestiges of the anger response disappear? I know most of the anger response is gone – even more, I intervene, move to a different course of action, and then no anger.

    Thanks for this entry.

    so the anger surge came from a sense of powerlessness – and I told myself, this is absurd, you don’t have to take the situation, so inside me came to the (very sensible) answer: he moves it, I pay someone else to move it, or he can come and take it away – his 3 choices, and absolutely no need for anger.

    he did in fact want me to help him move it – after trying to get me to accept where it was

    no, why help him undo something he had done totally against what was agreed – and no anger, just calm centredness

    • admin April 16, 2010 at 10:54 am - Reply

      Hi Elsa,

      I appfreciate your taking the time to describe how you’ve seen the connection between powerlessness and anger. I’m gladf you are getting it handled.

      The last vestiges of the anger response will be done when you eliminate the last of the beliefs.

      Regards, Morty

  15. Marc April 15, 2010 at 1:22 am - Reply

    Great stuff Morty.

    • admin April 16, 2010 at 10:51 am - Reply

      Thanks, Marc. Glad you liked it. Regards,Morty

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